- First Love -

I felt so... exposed in the position I was sitting in. The doctor tried to explain the procedure to me, but I tuned her out. I didn't want to hear it; how she was going to kill my baby. She didn't stop talking though and at some point, I found her voice a soothing background noise. Not that it prevented me from sobbing the whole time. The physical pain was mild, the emotional one was atrocious.

After what felt like an eternity, but in reality it was fifteen minutes or so, the nurse took me to a different room. I had to use a pad and they gave me some pain killers. I waited for about thirty more minutes before they allowed me to leave. My tears were still unstoppable. I was afraid that they would go dry forever.

Jiro ran to me as soon as he caught a glimpse of me. His face was weary and pale. I wiped my tears and threw my arms around him. He hugged me back and squeezed me against his warm body. I noticed for the first time that I was cold.

"How are you feeling?" Jiro asked me, his voice confirmed how worried he was.

"It doesn't hurt." I answered.

With his arm around me, Jiro and I walked out of the clinic. I inhaled the fragrance-free air for the first time in hours. It was a beautiful day. The afternoon sun welcomed me and enveloped me gently in it's warmth. We walked for a few minutes until we reached a restaurant. Jiro stopped.

"Come on, let's have lunch before we go home." He led the way and I didn't object. I was starved.

We sat at a small table by the window. The place was relatively empty since we were having a really late lunch. As I sat there reading the menu, I felt a wave of relief wash over my body. In my mind, I knew that was the right decision; Kei didn't want the baby and I couldn't take care of it alone. But my heart, my heart was another story. It was heavy and grieving. My heart would never let me forgive Kei nor myself, that was a fact.

"What are you having?" Jiro's voice was back to being calm. I scanned the menu.

"A burger."

The food was really good, adding that to the slow music in the restaurant, they were the perfect therapy. Jiro ate his pasta in silence which I was grateful for. He just knew when to give me space. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to listen to my thoughts and they were slowly calming down.

We took a taxi home and got there around seven. I went straight to bed.

The next morning I woke up to knocking on my door. I looked to my phone, it was eleven twenty. It was Saturday so I didn't care.

"Hey Sam, it's me." Jiro's voice came from the other side.

"Come in."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm much better." And I was feeling much better. "Thank you for everything, Jiro."

"Don't mention it. I have a dance this afternoon so mom is driving me. Breakfast is on the table, you should eat." He was so sweet, I just wanted to hug him to show my gratitude.

"Thank you Jiro. I will."

"Alright, see you later."

Jiro left and I heard them drive away a few minutes later. I stayed in bed staring blankly into space. Then, when my stomach growled, I got up and washed my face. I walked straight to the dining room. The table had a few covered plates; Waffles, eggs, fruits, and cheese. It looked delicious. I poured myself a glass of orange juice and started wolfing down the food. I had a huge appetite for some reason. I ate until I was ready to throw up. I waited a little bit for the food to go down before bringing the dishes to the kitchen. I was busy putting everything away.

"Good morning." I dropped the glass I was holding. It was Kei. I didn't even hear him come. I didn't look his way. I couldn't. I grabbed the broom and started cleaning the mess. "I'm sorry, let me help you." I felt his hand on the broom stick but I yanked it away from him.

"I'm fine. I can do it."

Kei stood there watching me as I threw the pieces of glass in the trash. My heart was pounding really hard. I think it was from anger.

"Sam." I heard him say. "How are you?" I couldn't believe the nerve of this guy. I didn't utter a word, I was too livid to speak. I put the last plate in the dishwasher, the soap, closed the machine and turned it on.

"So you're just not going to talk to me." I felt my jaw about to break from how hard I was clenching my teeth. "Please, I want to explain about yesterday." He added.

I had to get out of there. I didn't want to hear any explanation. I just needed to get away from Kei. As I walked by him, he grabbed my arm while calling my name again.

"Don't touch me!" I heard my voice echo in the house. I glared at Kei and felt him tense next to me. He slowly removed his hand.

"I am sorry, Sam."

"Sorry is not going to cut it this time, Kei." I was shaking with anger and other emotions.

"Can you let me explain about yesterday--"

"Why?"

"Why?" He repeated with surprise.

"It happened already. You weren't there and I don't want to hear your excuse. It's done. I hope you're relieved now."

"Relieved?" He repeated again like he was trying to figure out the meaning of the word.

"Yes, relieved. The baby is gone. I killed it." The pain in my chest was back. Kei winced at my words but that didn't stop me. "Now you can have the bright future you want, or sorry, you're grandfather wants." He was silent but his eyes burned into mine. His green was dark and hurt.

"I sent Jiro to be with you yesterday." His words made my head hurt suddenly. I couldn't understand how his brain worked. I felt the tears on the verge of letting loose.

"Because that's the same thing?" My voice betrayed me. I turned away from Kei and wiped some tears. I took a deep breath and turned back to him. "You know what, forget it. Forget that there was ever a possibility to have a baby together, forget we ever dated, forget I ever came to Japan, forget I ever loved you, forget we ever met at your house when we were five. Forget I ever existed because that is what I am going to do, Kei. I am going to erase you from my life before you kill me. Because right now, I feel like I am dying." I didn't care that my words were cracking under the lump I had in my throat or that my eyes were pouring waterfalls of tears. I needed to end that madness.

"Why would you say that?" Kei breathed and took a step closer, I took one back.

"I don't want you to ever address me again. Don't ever talk to me again. Do you understand, Kei? We are done." I whispered my last sentence and hurried to my room.

I hid my crying under the covers all day. I felt as if someone had ripped off my heart from my chest. The idea of Kei forgetting about me and my feelings for him made me feel sick. After all I had to go through to be there. But I couldn't cave to my fantasies anymore. I had to move on.

The next couple of weeks in school were a drag. We had our grades back and I had, surprisingly, done a pretty good job in my exams. Kei stayed away from me and I from him. The date of my return to the US was getting closer and I was getting excited and sad at the same time. I wanted to go back to my home and my family, but I didn't want to leave my new family and friends. Amanda and Mr Kenji had been so nice to me. Jiro had become my third brother for sure. And Yoko was my first female best friend in my life. I was going to miss them all.

Even when I thought about what happened with Kei, I still felt like it was going to be hard to leave him and know that I would probably never see him again. The five months I had spent in Japan had been both the best and the worst months of my life. I found out that the guy I had loved for years loved me back, and we dated. The happy memories I had from that time would live inside me forever. The scars that I was bringing back would last forever too. But I was ready to embrace both the good and the bad. I realized that, unlike what I had been fed in my childhood, not every story had a happy ending.

On my last week, I had already started to pack because I knew it was going to take a long time. Our last day of school was kind of weird. Everyone was a little distant. There was no graduation, of course, because that was only the first semester in Japan. So after school was over, I wandered a little in the streets. The streets I had been taking for the previous few months. I knew I wasn't going to come to the school again so it was a goodbye in a sense.

When I got home, it was all quiet. I thought that nobody was home. I walked to the living room.

"Surprise!"

Everyone shouted. I was petrified. The living room was full of people. I spotted Amanda and Mr Kenji along with Jiro and Yoko. There were a few people from my class, I didn't even know all of their names. Amanda sensed how shocked I was so she walked to me and wrapped her arm around me.

"I see." I responded. I looked over to the table and saw a ton load of different dishes displayed on it. I was sure Amanda had done all of that. "Thank you." I muttered and Amanda hugged me again.

I did my very best to hide how the party was making me even more sad than I was. A huge and festive reminder of me leaving. Yoko walked to me and gave me a small box.

"Your farewell gift." I felt that I was on the verge of crying. I opened it to find a beautiful golden necklace. She pulled one from under her shirt. "I have the same one." She said with a smile.

"Thank you." I hugged her as tight as I could. I decided that I hated farewell parties right then.

Everyone was eating and drinking together. After about half an hour, the parents went out. We played games and then we shared thoughts about the teachers and classes. Kei had sat on the couch the whole time. Then, I noticed him when he got up and went upstairs. We hadn't talked ever since we had that argument in the kitchen.

We took the party to the close by Karaoke place. Of course, Kei didn't come. We sang and danced. We laughed at each other. It was fun. Everyone gave me hugs when they left. Some gave me small gifts, others gave me letters to read later. It was just a strange experience. I didn't know how I felt.

The next few days went by in a blink of an eyes. It was already the day I was leaving. I had everything packed and ready to go. Mr Ichihara had to go to Osaka the day before so we had already said goodbye. Same for Yoko, she had to do something with her family, so she wasn't going with us to the airport. Just like when I had traveled to Japan in March, Amanda and Jiro were the ones to drive me. Everything was in the car, I was ready to go. But I found myself dragging my feet to the car. Jiro and Amanda were already outside waiting for me. I turned around and looked upstairs. I was hoping to see him for one last time. 'Is he seriously not going to say goodbye to me?'

"Come on Sam, we're going to be later." Jiro called from outside.

"Coming!" I said a little too loud. I looked back again, but no sign of Kei. I walked to the car and off we went.

I hugged Amanda and Jiro over seven times. I didn't want to go anymore.

"You are always welcome here, Sam." Amanda said as she wiped her tears.

"I'm going to miss you." Jiro was also crying. I hugged him again. One last time.

"Me too."

I remember I cried a lot in the airport, and then on the plane.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our descent to Narita Airport. The weather in Tokyo is sunny and the current temperature is thirty two degrees Celsius. We'd like the flight attendants to prepare the cabin for landing, and we want to thank you for flying with us today."

'Well, here we go.'

~~The End~~