Cyber ​​Heroes

Last month, I went to the psychosomatic department to see a doctor because of physical symptoms, and then took a temporary leave.This was over a month ago.

At first I thought it would take a few days to adjust.Thinking about it now, I underestimated diseases and medicines too much.

I am currently on a drug called venlafaxine.Venlafaxine can solve thousands of worries, but there is one thing, it will eliminate the desire to express.

After taking this medicine, you will be relaxed and happy, but you will have no desire to express.I often fantasize about various stories this month, but I have no idea of ​​turning them into words.This function seems to have been completely extinguished.After taking the medicine, I fantasized all kinds of stories at home, silly.But they didn't come to my mind in the form of words, but something else.

I have a patient friend in the author group.My friend Lao Kong, who used the pseudonym Kong Fanduo, told me that he would be unable to write anything after taking this medicine, and he would definitely become a pigeon.That's what everyone who's tried it has said.

I thought I could write a little bit against the side effects.

I still don't believe in the "primacy of matter" enough.

I really can't write at all.I wrote [-] words a day when I didn’t take the medicine, but it took me a lot of effort to write a few words after I took the medicine.

The only advantage is that you won't spit out nervously facing the Word document.

Thinking about it carefully, it's somewhat...uncomfortable.

I went to see a doctor and took medicine in order to continue working, but the side effects of the medicine directly made me lose the ability to work.

Some readers were very worried about me and asked how I was doing in the middle of last month.I said it was fine.

Him: Aren't you worried about drug dependence?I thought you were bothered by this kind of... taking medicine.

Me: You have read my book for so long, you should be able to see it.I am a positive attitude towards the kind of "technology involved in the spiritual level" thing.I wish I could control my emotions.

He: In the group chat before, you were very worried about the dependence on psychotropic drugs
Me: Because I have no money and no medical insurance.

The stresses of life, the medications, and the feeling of being sick all ravaged me.I really hope that the doctor can change the medicine, but unfortunately the doctor said that I can't help it, and changing the medicine may not solve the problem.

Before I get rid of the disease, I probably won't be able to do it for a few days.

I thought I could write hundreds of words a day, and I updated a chapter last month.

Sorry, I still have to disappoint everyone for a while.

And the doctor said that I put it down for a while to help adjust my mentality.But I don't really want to let go for too long.

For me, the career of "network writing" is my source of livelihood, the greatest meaning of my life, and the most precious connection between me and the world and others.

Although the website has all kinds of bad things, there are terms that are not conducive to the author, and there are all kinds of weird and sensitive words.However, it also has two goodies.First, it is not limited by the version number, and you can write as you want.Second, it can get real-time feedback.

I still like this place a lot.At least it gives everyone a chance to write.

And I am also a person who relies on readers to create.

Just like what the famous Japanese novelist Kamiyama Toyama said, the author's well-written stories and the emotions conveyed will condense a new chapter in the readers' hearts.A work is only meaningful if you read it. [So even if it is not a novel from the starting point, even if it is an article I posted anywhere, please leave comments as much as possible. 】

Creating works is the meaning of my existence.Although the doctor felt that it was not good for me to hang the meaning of life on one thing, but "finding a meaning" is indeed much better than not being able to find it.

But after this matter is too heavy, I will feel pressure because of the fear of "not writing well", and because of the pressure, I will write slowly, and then I will be flooded because of deadlines and manuscript fees, and I will feel self-loathing because of flooding.

I have a low opinion of my work.As much as I'd love for someone to comment, I would rather feel... that it might be a little rude to say that if someone actually brags about my book.If someone really praised my book, I would think "ah, this person does not have good taste", "probably haven't seen better" or something.

I even instinctively feel that the comments that belittle my work are more justified.

Of course, if you want to say how good my work is, it's really not that good.I've read most of the top fantasy novels, and I know how far my work is from the top.

But well, this low evaluation seems to have become a mindset.It started eroding every aspect of my life outside of work.

Once again, a counselor asked me if I was proud of anything.I thought about it for a while, and my face turned pale, because I felt that although I wrote a lot, I didn't write very well.Other than that, it seems that they read more books and play more games.But that's nothing to be proud of either.I like reading, but it is broad but not deep.I lack deep patience.I play a lot of games but I am very good at it. Hearthstone has never been uploaded.I'm not much of a connoisseur...

The psychological counselor interrupted me bitterly, saying that I bought a house myself, and I still paid him the consulting fee without hesitation, which shows that my income level has exceeded most people.I have been very successful in a worldly sense.

Me: Oh, it seems so?

But I seem to have forgotten.

Open Moments and swipe, high school classmates seem to have a better life than me, successful career or happy family.But it's also possible that someone worse than me won't post on Moments?

I should change this damn way of thinking.

Hope to recover next year.

happy New Year to all.