departure tomorrow

Chapter 10 The Long Years
"Ensu Nan, right... There is a psychological consultation at [-] o'clock this morning, remember to go there?" The nurse said while distributing medicine to Su Nan.

"Okay..." Su Nan, who just woke up, is still not very clear-headed.

"Go wash your face and wake up quickly!" Mom urged, patting Su Nan's face.

"Okay. Okay." Su Nan got out of bed in a daze and walked towards the toilet.

"Morning! Sister!" Zhu Hao walked past the ward with breakfast and laughed when he saw Su Nan closed his eyes and walked to the toilet.

Su Nan opened her eyes with difficulty and looked at Zhu Hao, "Morning...Zhu Hao. I'm going. I'm going to brush my face and wash my teeth."

Zhu Hao laughed loudly, "Listen, listen, what are you talking about?"

Su Nan was stunned for a moment and then laughed himself. It was really all about doing this, and he really woke up. "Okay, okay! I'm awake! Go back to your room!" Su Nan tweeted Follow Zhu Hao to go out.

"Okay, okay, I'll come and call you later, don't forget." Zhu Hao told Su Nan.

"Huh? Is it eight o'clock for the small brain computer?" Su Nan thought, then he must not go, because the time bumped into "I'm not going to the small brain computer."

Zhu Hao stopped walking back to the room and was a little worried, "What's the matter? Are you uncomfortable?" He reached out and touched Su Nan's head, "It's not hot. Hey, you haven't washed your face." Zhu Hao looked at the oil in his hand with disgust, Wipe on Su Nan's clothes, "Then why don't you go?"

Su Nan looked helplessly at Zhu Hao rubbing oil on her clothes, "I have psychological counseling at nine o'clock."

"Oh~ so that's the case, I got it, I got it, you go." Zhu Hao stretched out his hand to straighten Su Nan's hair again, "Your hair is messed up, it's really a girl. Hey. I'll go back to have breakfast first. "

Su Nan rubbed her head, it's okay, it's not messy.
After returning to the room to wash and eat breakfast, I went to wait at the door of the psychological consultation.

The floor of the psychological counseling is very quiet, with warmer tones throughout, giving people an inexplicable sense of security.

"It's Su Nan, right? Come in!" A doctor opened the door and said softly to Su Nan.

Su Nan followed in. There were two sofas, a tea table and a movable whiteboard. The heavy curtains were drawn, so no light could penetrate. The yellow light made Su Nan feel drowsy.

"Sit down." The doctor was very gentle.

Su Nan chose the corner of the sofa to sit down.

"What's the problem?" the doctor asked directly.

"It's just that I can't control my emotions, it's this year." Su Nan didn't know how to express her problem.

"It's okay, my dear, I'll listen to you." The doctor's gentleness actually made Su Nan feel a little wronged for no reason.

How should I put it, since I had this kind of emotional problem at the very beginning and then I realized it, it must have started five years ago.

For Su Nan, the past few years have been too long...

My parents didn't stay at home much since I was a child. They always let Su Nan live in this house for a day and in another house for a day. Sometimes I stay at home alone.Su Nan was only in kindergarten at that time, and she didn't know if it was the reason why she didn't go home often. She hated the feeling of going home, and she hated it for a long time when people told her that she was going home.

When she was young, she sometimes stayed at home with no one. She wanted to go to the bathroom at night, but she couldn’t open the door. Then she sat by the door of the bathroom, peed her pants, and cried for a long time until her aunt came to pick her up the next day. She found that she fell asleep sitting at the door of the toilet, and then peed her pants.So much so that Su Nan still remembers this incident, and still remembers it inexplicably when she goes to the toilet.It may also be because I lived in the old city when I was a child, and it was scary at night, but there was nothing I could do about it, so almost every day Su Nan cried and hid in the bed and fell asleep, but it was also very inexplicable. The feeling of falling in love with the dark, the unknown fear in the dark made Su Nan feel at ease.

Everyone said that she had no memory when she was a child, but Su Nan remembered that when she was still in the middle class, a kind of long-tube mouth-clearing candy was very popular in the kindergarten, and it cost five yuan each. For Su Nan at that time, That was a sky-high price.But Su Nan doesn't care about these things, she is often immersed in her own small world, where everything is there.It's strange to say that at that time, a classmate in the class told Su Nan that there was a mouth-clearing candy on the table, no one wanted it, and it was fine to eat it.Su Nan was also stupid at the time, so she really took it and put it in her pocket.As a result, the owner of the candy could not be found, so he went to the teacher, and the classmate jumped out and said that Su Nan took it away secretly. And Su Nan was called a parent.At that time, Su Nan's parents were busy making ends meet, and for the first time because of Su Nan, they put down their work and rushed over.Su Nan felt hatred for the first time when she saw her mother, who was wearing construction work clothes, bow her head in apology.

When I grew up a bit, I entered elementary school, which was the best elementary school in the city.That was also the first time in Su Nan's life that he felt the gap between people.According to the current statement, Su Nan at that time was just a dog in the eyes of everyone.She has never seen a native dog in the market, but in Su Nan's heart, she knows that her parents have tried their best to give her the best, so she didn't take these things to heart.It's just that occasionally when I walk home alone, I feel a little lost when I see everyone being picked up by their parents.Because of her inferiority complex since she was a child, Su Nan dared not communicate with others, which left some wounds that she might never forget in her lifetime.She was stuffed with bread in a thermos and forced to drink it, she was kicked and taunted for being unworthy of wearing a nice white dress, and so on. It was full of acne, but fortunately it got better in the fourth grade, which was the most lively year for Su Nan.After that, acne broke out all over my face, and I became fat and dark when I reached puberty, and I inherited body odor.Almost everyone's laughing stock, even Su Nan himself looked at him with eyes full of disgust.Every day is a day full of negative energy.But Su Nan knew that if she erupted, the consequences would be even more unimaginable, so she could only suppress her eruption in her heart.

every day
"Wow, that guy is so ugly"

"What's the matter on the face, there is a face alive?"

"What stinks like garbage"

"leave me alone!"

"Just her? Also worthy?"

"Monster?"

Su Nan has long been used to all of this. Although she said she didn't take it to heart, she still felt sad.
Because she knows that her parents are not easy, she also hides these in her heart and lives step by step every day.Go to the market to buy vegetables and cook at home.I couldn't reach the cutting board and the gas stove, so I had to put a bench on it and make it slowly.One time, I wanted to make noodles with fried sauce. I was stupid. I put the stainless steel bowl on the gas stove and tried to pack it up. When I touched it with my hand, there was a scream, and a lot of blisters formed.I had no choice but to go to the balcony to pick some aloe vera for rubbing. This was also done by Su Nan at home alone. She was ten years old that year, not too young.I rang the bell on the bus, but the driver didn’t stop and didn’t dare to speak, so I had to get off the bus a few stops later, and it was already dark when I got home.

Su Nan's parents often quarreled and even shot. Once Su Nan took his classmates home to do their homework, they had an argument in front of Su Nan and his classmates and shot them. Su Nan was used to it, but he was surprised when he saw the eyes of his classmates. Su Nan didn't know what to do, and since then, Su Nan has never brought her classmates home again.

Dad also has a bad temper and is easily angry and irritable. Once he picked up the stapler and smashed it on Su Nan's face, and the corners of his eyes immediately bled.That scar still exists until now, but to Su Nan, it is only a trivial matter.

Afterwards, I enrolled in a cram school, and brought lunch boxes for everyone, carrying more than a dozen boxes of lunch back and forth every day.Like a food delivery person.

Su Nan hated herself who dared not speak up and resist to death, but there was nothing she could do.

After going to junior high school, this kind of inferiority complex was brought along with her. In junior high school, everyone was more concerned about appearance, which made Su Nan dare not raise her head in front of everyone, but even so, those people did not let her go
After arriving in high school, these things are gradually getting better, but tomorrow's life is getting better, but Su Nan, who has been holding back for so many years, can't hold on anymore...

Because of this year after year, Su Nan felt that she was going to become a real monster.

When she becomes irritable, she is filled with the desire to destroy everything, but she is afraid of hurting others, so she has to hurt herself; when she is excited, the whole world is her own, happiness surrounds her, and she feels that she has nothing to do. No, talk endlessly, be terrified and excited, but don't know what you are happy about; when you are depressed, you lose your mobility, you can't arouse interest in anything, and you just want to destroy yourself.And all of these are held in my heart forcibly year after year.

Even with severe paranoia, she has another world. These people and things are real in Su Nan's mind and eyes. Ever since she discovered that these things are hypocritical, Su Nan has become even more afraid. Not clear about reality and imagination, she is afraid that others will think she is a monster
Those invisible pressures pressed on the bottom of Su Nan's heart, making Su Nan fall in love with the feeling of dreaming.Because the dream is real and has nothing to do with anything in real life. Even if it is a nightmare, Su Nan feels that it is extremely precious because it is far away from life.

Afterwards, Su Nan became so afraid of contacting people at all that she suspended all cram schools. Whenever she had any group activities to participate in, or wanted to enroll her in an interest class, Su Nan's first reaction was to collapse in resistance, because she had to contact unfamiliar people. If she is asked to speak or participate here, Su Nan will be inexplicably broken.She is afraid of being judged by others, she is afraid of not doing well, she is afraid of contacting others.
Gradually, there are also physical problems, endocrine disorders, it is common for my aunt to not come for half a year, oily hair must be washed every day, otherwise it will drip oil, hair loss is getting worse, except for hair not growing on the head, hair grows everywhere, stomach problems I couldn’t survive the six stomach medicines. When I caught a cold, I developed pneumonia. Once I had a cold that lasted for a month, my lungs became a bit dark when I went to take an X-ray. I was prone to rapid heartbeat, breathlessness, dizziness and headache.

Until one day, the news of his grandfather's sudden and unexpected death made Su Nan finally overwhelmed. On that New Year's Day, Su Nan finally summoned up the courage to perform on stage.She left school and took the car to a funeral home that she had never been to before, and saw her grandpa there for the last time, the tall and stubborn man turned into a small box like this
From then on, silent screaming and collapse, hysterical grabbing and knocking on herself, all of this is Su Nan's daily life.And all this broke out in that small bedroom, concealed for five or six years.

Until this time, Su Nan, who had her pulse cut and couldn't stop the bleeding, was sent to the hospital by the teacher in charge. She couldn't move like a convulsion. Su Nan, who collapsed and cried in the office and was about to lose consciousness, the first thing she thought of was what to do with her mother... I'm so sorry for my mother... I haven't made her proud or happy once in so many years.
Su Nan explained all this calmly. In fact, there are many more. She has always had a bad memory, but she remembers everything that hurt her. From childhood to adulthood, those people, those days, and those places are like brand marks. Usually engraved in the bottom of my heart, never erased, never forgotten.

Su Nan looked at the psychiatrist in front of her, looking at her with distressed face, this was the first time Su Nan felt really wronged and sad "For so many years, I haven't lived for myself, nor for my parents How wonderful, in fact, to be honest, if it weren’t for the existence of my parents, because of my departure, my parents might not be there in this life. So I stood on the windowsill again and again, stood by the river again and again, cut my wrists again and again, and finally They all gave up."

When Su Nan came out of the counseling room, she felt unprecedentedly relaxed. This was the first time she told others about these things that she never dared to tell others.

Let's make it what it used to be in these long years...

(End of this chapter)