endless roses

Chapter 23 Fetters
A few weeks ago, I went through a big upheaval in my heart.At that time, my mother was blaming me for not being able to let go of my father, so I just said "I don't care anymore".

For a while, she probably thought of her own hard work, how difficult life is, and bombed again. The loneliness, the misfortune of marriage and motherhood, and my mother, I am a willing emotional trash can, all kinds of violence and insults can be tolerated, and how to slowly forget my father, treat him as a friend, and then forget.As well as my views and regrets on my mother's works when she was young, I was eloquent, but I created myself as a bystander, one who can analyze calmly, with sympathy and irony.And added words such as "A lot of things are actually unspeakable to you" and "I don't expect you to understand". The purpose of saying this is to restore peace.

As expected, she extracted key words on the first or second day, and still said how I was sorry for her, and still missed her father so much, kept his surname, and did not want to sever the relationship.

I said, "Mom, what I care about the most is you, not because you gave birth to me, but because I have known you for more than 20 years. I don't love my father, I don't love my mother, and I don't love myself", so I deleted my mother. I knew I was angry, but it was very smooth, so I was alone, wandering around, and met Fang Xue by the way.

After many days, my mother sent me a text message. I thought it was another round of bombing, but I covered the last few words at night and read it again. Her few messages only told one thing: "The one at the door often comes The yellow cat is gone, although that cat is hateful, it is also very pitiful."

I think she is working very hard. When I was at home, the yellow cat often bullied the domestic cats, and even ran up the stairs. I couldn’t bear to bully the cats when I entered the house. It was the first cat that dared to "swear" with me in cat language .In this way, I am also trying to communicate. Recently, I sometimes ask me about some things in the book.

The girl who liked romantic poetry and Jin Yong 20 years ago gradually became narrow-minded and philistine in a failed marriage in 20 years, and became a paranoid wife and violent mother.

I always look at the older generation with regret. As a child, I should be sensible, accompany, and care about me when I am outside.But I always try to talk to them beyond my capacity, and even bring in some small conflicts and episodes in the early days of friendship, and I will feel depressed because I don't understand.I want to understand these two unfortunate people, because there will be many years of intersection in the future, and I don't want them to be just parents, imagining a kind of equality in communication.

There are photos of her 18-year-old on her dressing table, with gorgeous dance skirts, English-style caps, glitter and bright eyes, which is the smile of a teenager, very beautiful, like a star in the 90s.However, the dressing table is very simple, and there is a computer next to it. She taught herself several software.I dyed my hair a few years ago, but now I have shoulder-length black straight hair. I am reluctant to use good skin care products, and one day I said with a smile, "I don't dress up anymore" and "My wrinkles are terrible", although I think she has more of a plain beauty now than in the past, but it still hurts to hear.

In a room at home, there are clothes from more than ten years ago, several coats, several dresses, boots and old bags, just like there are still dad’s books on the bookshelf in my hometown (the cover is dirty and I Do not touch), it is a trace of the youth of their generation.

When did these people accept the change of their roles?

It's not that they have become parents and have a sense of responsibility. They didn't do this very well.I just wonder, since when did she gradually forget that she was once young, and even define herself as a philistine, when did she break away from a girl and completely accept herself as a mother.It seemed that all she had left in her life was this failed marriage, and the hateful man who brought her to this situation, and he, my father, isolated himself again, satirizing himself on how he became slippery, only knowing Circling around, drinking to paralyze.Will life really destroy people like this, or they chose this path by themselves.

The fetters between parents and children, there is no escape in the world.There is always a tendency to be friends with your parents, and it doesn’t matter what the result is. After a long time, the two of them seem to have been led to a distorted rhythm. ", her "the yellow cat that used to come to the house is gone", all seem to be a kind of attempt and response.

I read "Little Logic" at a loss, and sometimes I felt sleepy, thinking, what is this Hegel talking about.At the end of the month, it is estimated that two books will be returned intact, and I will start a few more interesting books in a leisurely manner. I will read how the ancients ate, lived and cooked, and how to write articles. Bailu Palace can’t remember the history. It's easy to chat lively and buy desserts.

After checking the weather, it won’t be raining later, and I won’t be able to read a book. I’m going to bring a small notebook and a pen to observe the buildings in the surrounding area. Many strange designs in Suzhou are quite interesting.

(End of this chapter)