three desperate women

Chapter 95 The Unexplainable Self

From the moment Pei Ziyang was discharged from the hospital, to his father Pei Zhongjiu's cremation, to the whole family returning to Bincheng, to the end of his father's funeral, and finally to his father's burial, he was in a state of bewilderment.

Her eyes have been red and swollen and half-opened and half-closed for the past few days, and the switch of tears can't be turned off no matter what, her mood is like this winter weather, every day is below zero.

After cutting off the bond between her breastfeeding with Xiaoshu, she didn't want to see Xiaoshu again, she didn't want to hug him and coax him, and she didn't want to hear his cry.

Even sometimes, she would have the idea of ​​abandoning Xiaoshu, and Xiaoshu was more likely to cry without her mother's arms. She always watched coldly until Mother Pei came over to take the child away.

She didn't even want to see Meng Haiyang, even if it flashed in front of her eyes, she would close her eyes tightly like a conditioned reflex.

She actually felt sick to her stomach when she saw a plaid shirt. He wore a plaid shirt all year round, either blue or green, whether he was a programmer or a taxi driver.

Whenever he wants to get close to her, she feels sick, she is tired of his submissive voice, the smell of his body, and lying on the same bed with him, she will feel uncomfortable all over.

Mother Pei knew that Meng Haixi hadn't come back from her hometown, so she followed Pei Ziyang to live upstairs in Runyu Supermarket, taking care of Xiaoshu every day.

She has only been separated from her mother for more than a month. Whenever she sees her mother's appearance, figure, or voice at home, she will not stop crying, because she often thinks of her father.

She often feels suffocated when she stays at home. She also tried to hide in the bathroom and breathe hard, but gradually this method was useless.

She also doesn't want to go to the supermarket. Looking at the crowds coming and going every day, and seeing Shi Jie and Zhou You who are working hard and earnestly, she feels more guilty about herself.

She avoided work, she didn't want to make money, she didn't want to take care of the children, she didn't even want to eat, she didn't want to be interested in anything.

Her face was getting thinner and thinner, and she looked decadent and tired. She walked aimlessly on the street, her eyes glazed over, even though her phone was vibrating in her pocket, she didn't want to care about it.

It wasn't until dark that she walked home slowly, and then hid in the bathroom, just sitting on the toilet in a daze.

"Da Yang, would you like to come out and have some food?"

Mother Zhong Xiuli knocked lightly on the door and called her. She panicked, stood up quickly, washed her hands, and came out to sit on the dining table.

The mother put the chopsticks in her hand, and the rice was in front of her eyes. She listlessly picked up the chopsticks and poked them on the rice.

She looked at the fried rapeseed with mushrooms on the plate, and there was a braised pork rib next to it, and her thoughts fell into her childhood.

There is a large canteen in the factory where my father works, and the dish of braised pork ribs is always on the lunch menu every Tuesday.

As soon as school was over at noon, she would rush to the cafeteria to line up for her father, who would run to her with a large aluminum lunch box.

Then, she would look at the people in the dining window with high spirits and shout, "Auntie, I want two braised pork ribs."

Holding the braised pork ribs in his hands, his father walked carefully on the way home, and she followed behind, both nervous and excited.

My father would set aside one portion for dinner, and he would tell her to eat the rest.

She sat at the dining table covered with white woolen tablecloth and ate it all with relish, while her father waited for her to finish eating, poured the rice into the vegetable soup, stirred it, and swept it away
Gradually, her tears had dried up, no matter how much she missed her father, how heartbroken she was, she couldn't squeeze a single tear, her eyes felt dry, astringent and itchy.

"Yang, can you eat a little bit? How thin do you think you are?"

Her mother's voice sounded behind her, she trembled, and the chopsticks fell on the table.

She slowly picked up the chopsticks again, casually took a few mouthfuls of rice, looked at the ribs again, sighed, and didn't move.

She put down the bowl and chopsticks, reached out and took out a piece of paper to wipe her mouth, then got up and took the fat down jacket, put on the shoes that were several sizes too big, and walked out of the house.

She had just walked down the stairs when she bumped into Meng Haiyang who was returning home from get off work, carrying a large water bottle.

"Wife, where are you going?"

As soon as the voice sounded, goosebumps appeared all over her body, and the more she heard it, the more disgusting she became.

She didn't pay any attention to it, and ran downstairs quickly, then her stomach was churning, she bent over and stood at the door of the unit, and vomited out all the mouthfuls of white rice she had just eaten.

"Are you all right? How are you? Here's a piece of paper."

Liu Yini's voice slowly approached her from a distance, and finally supported her arm.

She slowly straightened her back, watching the worried Liu Yini handing a tissue to her eyes.

"Ziyang? Is it you? Why is it you? What's the matter with you?" Liu Yini's eyes were full of doubts, and her voice was raised once.

"Ni Ni, can I go to your house?"

Pei Ziyang looked at Liu Yini pleadingly, the grievance and distress in his chest instantly rose to his throat.

"Of course, I'm here to see you. Can you go? Still want to vomit? I'll support you."

With Liu Yini's support, the pale Pei Ziyang followed to Liu Yini's house.

She was sitting on the sofa in the living room, holding a glass of warm water in her hand, looking at the fragrant roses in the vase on the coffee table.

"Ziyang? Is the water cold? Can you warm it up?"

She froze for a moment, then raised her head to look at Liu Yini with doubts on her face.

"Add some hot water!"

Liu Yini stretched out her hand before she handed over the cup in her hand. She had nothing in her hands, so she could only hold each other nervously and rub each other.

"Here you are, Ziyang. Have you eaten yet?"

"Eat." She took a sip of the water and put it on the coffee table.

"Did you not eat well? I think you vomited it out? Are you feeling sick in your stomach? Or is there something wrong?"

"I don't feel well in my stomach. I feel better after vomiting. It's okay, Ni Ni."

"Wait a minute, I brought you a small gift from Sanya."

"it is good."

A small red gift box appeared in front of her eyes. She held it in her hand and gently opened the box. Inside was a pair of pearl earrings.

"It's beautiful, thank you, Ni Ni."

"You're welcome. Ziyang, what's wrong with you? How's your body? You look very bad, you've lost too much weight.

Didn't you go to your brother's house?What happened at home? "

"I, my father passed away."

"Ah? Why is it so sudden? Is uncle sick?"

"Well, advanced bowel cancer." After Pei Ziyang finished speaking, he took a sip of water, and Liu Yini followed suit with a sigh.

"Ziyang, the death of a loved one will inevitably cause sadness, especially the family members who have been together day and night.

You've been through it, I've been through it five times, and I know what it's like.

At this time, what other people say is of no use to you.

This feeling of grief can only be endured slowly by ourselves, and if we get through it, we may be relieved. "

"Ni Ni, what do you think is the meaning of life?"

"We also defeated more than a billion people at the beginning, and finally came to this world.

Come here, always go through some unforgettable things before leaving. "

"I don't know what's wrong with me, I always feel that life is so boring."

"Life is inherently boring, so you need to reconcile with yourself, that is, lie to yourself and tell yourself from time to time: life is beautiful."

"It is said that people who die will go to heaven, but does it mean that people who are alive will go to hell?"

"maybe."

Neither of them spoke, just sat on the sofa so peacefully, the only silence in the room was the ticking of the wall clock.

She looked at the small red box, reached out to pick it up, then slowly stood up and walked towards the door.

"Ni Ni, thank you for your gift, thank you for accompanying me, I'll go back first."

"Okay, Ziyang, if you have something to tell me, I won't comfort others, but I will listen carefully. Don't hold it in your heart alone, or you will get sick."

"it is good."

She put on her coat, put the small box in her pocket, then zipped it up, walked out of the unit door, and walked on the corridor of Runyu Community.

On both sides of the road are dead branches, and occasionally there are some pine trees that are still green in winter, but they look dusty and lifeless.

At the corner of the big tree, there is still some snow that has not completely melted, mixed with dead leaves and soil, black and dirty.

The weather was getting darker and colder, but she still didn't want to go home, she didn't want to hear the cry of the child, she didn't want to see her mother's gray hair, and she didn't want to see Meng Haiyang's disgusting face.

"Where should I go?" She said to herself as she walked, kicking small stones with her feet.

She walked to the supermarket immediately, and the phone started to vibrate regularly again, she didn't want to pay attention to it.

Shi Jie and Zhou You were closing the store, she stood in the corner without moving, and waited for them to walk away before walking back to the supermarket entrance.

She looked up at the door of the supermarket. The yellow tiles had begun to fade. When the snow that melted during the day was flowing down, it was frozen into ice cones by the cold air at night, hanging down one by one. Under the illumination of the street lamps, sparkling with light.

The phone rang again, and she took it out to see that it was her mother. The light of the phone hit her pale face in the dark night.

"Hello, Mom." She swiped the phone screen and picked it up, and her mother's voice flowed into her ears:

"Dayang, Xiaoshu has been crying and fussing. I just took my temperature and found that I have a fever, 37.4. What should I do?
Do you want to go to the hospital?Where are you?Why haven't you come back? Xiao Shi said that the supermarket is closed, so come back quickly. "

"I'll go upstairs right away."

Hearing his mother's anxious crying voice, Pei Ziyang took a deep breath of the cold winter night, and suddenly felt that his chaotic brain became clearer.

She walked up to the second floor quickly, and Meng Haiyang had already opened the door and was standing at the door to welcome her.

"Honey, you're back, go and see Xiaoshu."

Before she entered the door, she heard Xiaoshu's cry, and her newly sober mind suddenly began to buzz.

Meng Haiyang, who smelt of sweat, rushed over, driving her even more crazy.

She quickly took off her coat, changed her shoes into slippers, went into the bathroom to wash her hands, and walked quickly into the bedroom.

"Dayang, what do you think we should do?" Pei's mother hugged Xiaoshu who was crying loudly, looking at her and said.

"Mom, don't worry, it's okay, it's not a fever, just go and wipe him with warm water, give him more water, and take his temperature again in a few hours.

It's okay, Mom, maybe it's because he's wearing too much clothes, the room is stuffy and hot, and he loves to cry a lot. When he cries, his body temperature easily rises, and he'll be fine in a while. "

"Oh, as long as it's okay, then I'll observe it carefully, if it doesn't work, we have to go to the hospital."

Mother Pei put the child on the crib, played with the little tree with a rattle, the little tree calmed down slowly, and fell asleep after a while.

Pei Ziyang walked out of the bedroom gently and closed the door. Meng Haiyang, who was sitting on the sofa, immediately put down his phone and walked towards her.

"Honey, why don't we go to the hospital now to see what's going on with Xiaoshu? He's always crying, is he sick, or what?"

Pei Ziyang, with a serious and calm expression, rolled his eyes up, stared at Meng Haiyang firmly and said:

"No, drink plenty of water and observe first."

After finishing speaking, Pei Ziyang quickly walked back into the bathroom, locked the door, sat on the toilet, and looked up at the front-loading washing machine.

The door of the washing machine was open, and there was a yellow-green plaid shirt inside that made her tired. She raised her head slightly and looked at the bathroom heater on the roof of the bathroom.

Because when Xiaoshu takes a bath in the bathroom in winter, the temperature can reach 24 degrees, so she bought a simple bathroom heater online. Although it has yellow lights, it is still dazzling.

Afraid of hurting the child's eyes, Meng Haixi finally decided to bathe Xiaoshu in the bedroom. Now the bathroom heater is covered with dust.

She suddenly felt that she was the abandoned Yuba, she turned on the switch, and the dim light shone on her face with high cheekbones.

She took off her clothes, stood under the shower, held her head up, and with a bang, the cold bath water rushed down.

She held her breath, and slowly waited for the water to gradually become warmer and hotter, becoming the temperature she liked.

She stroked her protruding collarbone, then her ribs, and then her hips. For the first time, she realized that her bones were so big.

With the fingers of both hands, she combed her hair along the water flow to the back of her head, and the fallen hair fell to the ground along her body.

After taking a bath, Pei Ziyang wiped her wet body with a towel, and she suddenly found that the stretch marks on her belly were unusually obvious, spreading out one by one.

The baby has been born for 4 months. Although my stomach has become smaller, the skin is loose like a deflated balloon.

Because of being stretched for a long time, her belly is like a dough pocket with a drawstring. When she puts on the trousers, the dough pocket just hangs out of the waistband of the trousers.

What's even more frightening is that this shriveled dough bag, which looked like it had been mended by a poor family, had a ten-centimeter-long protruding, red and black scar on it. She touched it gently with her hands, feeling mixed feelings. .

She put on a bath towel, tore off a piece of toilet paper, reached out to wipe off the breath on the bathroom mirror, and talked to the mirror.

"Pei Ziyang, Pei Ziyang, this is what happens when you insist on having a child.

The child was born prematurely and suffered massive bleeding. The mother and child were weak and their lives were hanging by a thread.

My own shriveled body, protruding bones, hair that is about to fall out, a deflated belly with patterns, breasts that look like insoles after feeding, hehe...

She didn't do her best to take care of her father when he was alive, and the gray-haired, skinny old mother in her 60s had to help her take care of her children.

There is also a husband in the family who gambled and lost all his property, was heavily in debt, and hooked up with others.

Hahaha, Pei Ziyang, take a look at your life in this place, what is the meaning of living, what is the fun in it?
What the hell did you do?What did you do wrong?Why does life treat me like this, Pei Ziyang?Why? "

After she finished speaking, she gasped, looked down and saw Meng Haiyang's razor, she took it in her hand without hesitation, and then carefully took off the blade.
(End of this chapter)