I am a writer in Tokyo

Chapter 52
When I woke up in the morning, I suddenly felt that everything yesterday was like a dream.

It seems that yesterday's first generation was a little different when they got along with each other on weekdays.

Maybe this is the original her, or the deliberate expression of her.

I always feel that everything yesterday seemed a bit abrupt and a bit unreal.

It's still raining today.

The pattering rain from yesterday gradually began to torrential, and the windows were knocking.

Some winds found out-of-the-way paths they knew, and got into the middle of the room to dominate.

Looking at the slightly gloomy room, Kita Koma, who likes rainy days, felt very comfortable.

It just made him recall what happened yesterday, and there was a wry smile on the corner of his mouth.

Why... It feels like a different person all of a sudden.

Crazy in the rain, the whole person is like a child who can't grow up, or did Kazuya Oshima say something to her?
After much deliberation, Ju decided to get up and go downstairs to have some breakfast.

He is used to getting up early.

Especially on a rainy day, after waking up early, I would stand by the window and look outside doing nothing, or stare at the ceiling in a daze under the quilt.

After getting used to being entangled in complicated things, a moment of tranquility seems hard-won.

"Morning, foal."

As soon as the door opened, she saw the first generation passing by. After seeing Ju, she stopped and smiled at him.

"Good morning."

Kou hesitated for a while, and replied somewhat uncertainly.

"I still drenched half of my body yesterday, and I even sneezed once or twice when I got up in the morning." The first generation said as he walked down, "How is the horse?"

"I'm okay, I took a hot shower when I came back."

"That's good. If you catch a cold at this time, it will be too troublesome."

"At this time, the wind is generally not strong, as long as there is no blowing, you will not catch a cold."

"The horse knows a lot."

……

When he walked to the kitchen, Bei Daoju suddenly realized that something was wrong.

It's so natural.

Originally, it was nothing more than saying good morning to each other, and each went their own way without any intersection.

now what……

Talk to each other, chat.

Suddenly awakened, when did I start to become like this.

Was it yesterday or this time...

"What are you thinking about?"

The first generation pushed the dazed Bei Daoju aside, and pointed to the two pieces of toast that jumped out of the toaster.

As if being guided to finish breakfast, Kitajima Koma found an excuse and got into his room again.

After being alone in a daze for a while, he began to think about things.

The brain turns a little slowly.

It's like a rusty gear that hasn't been lubricated for a long time.

My brain still hurts when I think about it.

What made him feel unbelievable was that his emotions were able to remain stable, and there were also ups and downs in a certain sense.

This feeling has never been there before.

The only consequences of bipolar disorder are mania and depression.

After taking the drug, the whole person is in a state of wanting nothing.

As for him who just came to this world, although he didn't get sick again, he was still emotionally ashes.

This is like a person who has completely lost confidence in life and is suffering. He will not immediately choose to commit suicide.

Suicide takes courage.

The cowardly will only survive in the world.

They are numb to all kinds of life, have no desires and desires, and beg that one day they can die quickly, whether it is a natural disaster or a man-made disaster.

When danger comes, what they choose is not to escape.

Instead, he embraced the next death with joy.

I can finally die.

That way no one would say I committed suicide.

Instead, he died in an accident.

At my funeral they will look at my picture and mourn.

"What a wonderful person, who could have enjoyed more, but just died like this."

"Yeah, look at the picture, how bright the smile is, but he can no longer see the world."

and so……

In their hearts, I am not a disabled person, nor a mental patient.

It's just a complete, unlucky guy who died in an accident...

Kitajima Koma exhaled heavily.

Feeling the violent beating of the heart in his chest, it was the first time he realized that he was still alive.

Such a sudden change made him feel that his limbs were a little numb due to the rapid flow of blood.

But that is the most powerful proof of being alive.

For a moment, the strong ups and downs of emotions prompted tears to flow out of the eye sockets.

The severe soreness blocked his throat, and he could only grin and say something empty if he wanted to speak.

All kinds of pasts from the past began to emerge in front of my eyes.

Although such strong mood swings come and go quickly.

It disappeared without a trace in an instant.

But the tear stains on her cheeks proved the fact that she cried just now.

……

"I just heard some movement in the room, did something happen?"

The voice of the first generation came from outside the door.

After opening the door, she looked at Ju with concern, her eyes full of worry.

Kitajima always wondered if Kazuya Oshima had said something to her.

She wasn't like this before.

But looking back, it seems that since we met, she also cared habitually.

Next, I will feed him, buy thick clothes, and then we will squat together in the backyard to chat by the fire and so on.

"Just dropped something."

"Aren't you hurt?"

"No."

Looking at Ju who has no desire to chat, the first generation understands that enough is enough.

I still remember that before Kazuya Oshima went to Snow Country, he found her specially.

Looking at Kazuya Oshima with a serious face, Hajidai was taken aback.

At first, I thought it meant that I had no hope of entering the trendy work, but Oshima Kazuya also said a word: "During this time, if you can, help me pay attention to Bei Dao... Bei Daoju."

"I also want to see the Snow Country described in the novel, but, I don't care about him, so I want to ask the first generation of you to come."

"But... why?"

"Before you asked me a question about who wrote those haiku."

Oshima Kazuya frowned, he originally promised to live in Bei Daoju not to speak out.

But the current situation is special.

One is that the editor-in-chief has specially taken care of him to keep an eye on Bei Daoju's situation at all times.

People who write books like Disqualification in the World are more or less abnormal.

Not to mention that after the editor-in-chief talked with Bei Daoju that day, one thing became more certain.

In fact, this guy doesn't have the so-called dusty temperament.

After all, this guy named Bei Daoju is actually an empty shell.

Very ill.

Kind of like dying.

Another one is...

It's not a problem to hide it like this all the time.

What's more, the first generation has more or less guessed it...

(End of this chapter)