Temple Sword

Chapter 82 Agnes
I don't have that nightmare anymore.

I no longer wake up in the middle of the night sobbing in my sleep reliving the loss of my child.I stopped dreaming about the baby being born, and we lived happily ever after, only to wake up to a painful realization of the harsh reality.

I think about this only when I'm sober and trying to convince myself that my boy, our boy, didn't die in vain.I try to believe that God has a plan for him, and that he lives in heaven now, happier than he ever was here, among us.

Of course, I find this very hard to believe for me, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Lady Catherine is still at my door at night, ready to comfort me when I wake up crying and screaming.I haven't been like this for months, but she's still there, steadfast in caring for me.If only she knew I wasn't someone who really needed comfort!

Antal came home the day after that terrible night, pale and with tears in his eyes.I lay in bed, dazed and disturbed by Aunt Catherine's potion.By then my tears had dried up, I was no longer screaming for them to show me a dead fetus, I was tired of begging and crying by then.

Antal didn't say anything, just lay next to me, hugged me, and we stayed like that for days.Uncle Stephen and his wife fed us as paralyzed patients so we wouldn't die of grief.

Then Antal returned silently to Buda, as he had come, to the King.He kissed me before leaving, but I felt his lips were cold.His eyes were hollow too, and I couldn't see the flames in them that had been there since I'd known him.

To my amazement, he went away with Caesar, but it was not until a few days later that I learned from Lord Saipan that Saleche, my husband's only cherished steed, had passed away the night we lost our baby, and I My heart is also broken for him...

In the New Year month of the Mother of God, I still can't calm down.I acted like I was perfectly fine in front of my family, but as soon as no one noticed me, I picked up the shovel and went looking for my dead child.At such times Uncle Stephen would usually find me, frantically scratching holes in the frozen ground, sniffing for traces of fetal carcasses.This has happened more than a dozen times, and with the help of the Lord, I was able to calm down and say goodbye to my sweet baby.

In the end, I even accepted my fate that I would never know the sex of my baby.By spring, I was able to go alone to the market in Serdahli and talk to women my own age, and I figured I'd try again with Antal when he finally came home.

However, he has not been back for a long time.He always sends Umberto in his place and tells me he loves me and that one day we will be as happy as anyone in the world, but he has too much to do with the king right now.It wasn't until the end of the month of Pentecost that Umberto dared to tell me the truth: Antares had burned all his white clothes long ago and had the tailors in Buda make new black ones for him.He was speechless, angry, withdrawn.Many people called him the Black Knight, not only because of the color of his robes, but also because they said he had a black heart and killed without blinking an eye.

Umberto also told me that Antares had removed the crucifix from the wall of his room, and that he was not present at prayers except on Sundays to avoid running into church dignitaries.

Most wives are probably shocked when they hear such horrible things about their husbands.Most of them would be terrified and turn away from their husbands.But I've known my Antal too long to believe that he's turned profane, turned bad.His heart didn't turn black, he was just crying, crying in his heart.

He didn't take down the cross because he didn't believe in God anymore, oh, not at all.He took off his cross and didn't go to church because he was afraid of the Lord.He had tasted of His strength, and now he feared Him and believed in Him more than ever.

(End of this chapter)