Return to the small mountain village in 1986

Chat with everyone

Today I read the words of the author of the latest chapter of Kissing Fingertips, and I saw that he said that he took a self-assessment online and found himself mildly depressed.

After I read it, I felt a strong desire to talk.

I thought about my boring life, and finally I can only say that most women can withstand stress better than men.

If I have to suffer miserably, I am really miserable.I was abandoned by my parents who favored boys over girls when I was a baby. I grew up in a relative's home. I was bullied by children in the village during my childhood because everyone knew that I had no parents to control me.When I was a teenager, I stumbled and fumbled my way through my growth. I had thoughts of committing suicide countless times and spent many years in a state of confusion.

I was brought home by my parents when I was ten years old, but at that time, I felt like an outsider and in an awkward situation.My parents are also typical rural people. They are relatively ignorant, do not understand education, and do not understand love. This has also led to our family being unhappy.

I have a sister above me, and people are always more tolerant of the first child, but they hate me with the second child.I was born in 90, when the family planning policy was stricter. My parents wanted to have a son, so after I was weaned at ten months, I was given to relatives to raise.

I used to resent this, until later I learned about the past from other relatives. It turned out that my grandmother had strongly requested that I be thrown into a manure pit and drowned when I was just born.

It was my grandfather and my father who couldn't bear it and didn't take action. Later, my grandfather's sister's daughter's youngest son died, so they discussed that I should take over the household registration, and then send him to my biological sister-in-law to raise him. But from then on, In the name of her household registration, I called her mother-in-law since she was a child, which means grandma.

My parents were lucky enough to secretly give birth to a son as they wished while hiding outside.

Therefore, my sister grew up with my grandma, I grew up with my mother-in-law, and only my brother grew up with my parents. When I was ten years old, they settled in Huaihua, so they decided to take me over to study.

From the age of ten to now, I have been in an awkward state.I have experienced a lot of grievances, my heart is dark, and I have frequent thoughts of suicide, but I am still timid after all. Standing on a tall building, imagining jumping off and being bloody and bloody, I am still afraid.

I closed my eyes and crossed the road with traffic, but I was lucky enough not to be run over by a car. When I opened my eyes, I felt like I was surviving a disaster.

Let’s talk about why I want to commit suicide. Let’s not talk about favoring boys over girls and treating them differently. My parents are also very frugal. They will be criticized if they turn on the light for a long time. I am scared to use the washing machine even once. I am afraid of being scolded and I feel crazy inside. I think of reasons, such as clothes that are too heavy, difficult to wring out in winter, difficult to dry, etc.

As for summer clothes, all are washed by hand, and the washing machine is just a decoration.

There are countless such things.

So after the college entrance examination, my friends and I went to Shenzhen to work in an electronics factory.

My parents gave me more than 300 or 500 yuan, and a ticket cost [-] yuan. When I got off the train, my friend’s sister took a taxi to pick me up. I was not asked to pay for the fare. On the first day, I signed up for an interview and other things, and they were outside. We stayed in a hotel for one night, then packed our bags and headed to the factory.

After I joined the factory, my salary was not paid until the second month. I only had a little money from my parents and more than 100 yuan that I had saved before, so I ate instant noodles for a full month.

Before that, I always thought instant noodles were delicious. When my younger brother ate instant noodles, he was extremely envious.

Later I vomited after eating.

I went to a Sino-Japanese joint venture, and the corporate culture was very strict, so I suffered my first hardship there.

Later, when the results of the college entrance examination came out, my dad called me and asked me to go back and fill in my application form. I suddenly felt that it was better to study. Unfortunately, it was too late and I could only study in a junior college.

Because I was in a laissez-faire state in high school, I got sick before the college entrance examination. I took injections for three days and then went to the examination room.

After I got to college and stayed away from my parents, my heart gradually improved and I was no longer depressed.At that time, I had living expenses provided by my parents and money earned from my own part-time job, so I didn't feel so anxious inside.

But the sad thing is that because I desperately wanted to make money and stay away from my original family, during the summer vacation of my freshman year, I gullibly believed a high school classmate and was deceived into a pyramid scheme and was imprisoned for seven days.

But I am lucky again!
There was an elder brother from Shaanxi who pretended to be brainwashed and said he would call his parents to ask for money and report the news in his hometown dialect. So his brother and friends rushed over and teamed up with the police to rescue us.

At that time, I had strong bones and clear thinking. I was not brainwashed by them at all. I also found loopholes in my words many times, and the other party who questioned me couldn't speak.

So after being detained for seven days, when I was making a fuss about dragging everyone together to die, the other party pretended to agree and planned to transfer me to the place of detention.

At that time, the elder brother's relatives and friends came to rescue me. If I had been transferred, I might have suffered a lot.

Afterwards, the elder brother said that because he knew that I had not been brainwashed, he was the first to bring someone to rescue me after he was rescued.

As I typed these words, I burst into tears and was very excited.I was grateful to him, but also asked myself, if I called for help, would someone come to save me?

On the train home alone, I asked someone for a cigarette and smoked my first cigarette.I hate the smell of cigarettes, but when I smoke, I don’t seem to smell the nasty smell.

This may have something to do with my state of mind at the time.

Later, in my sophomore year, my family bought me a computer because of my major, and I compensated by watching a lot of movies, TV series, and variety shows.

It was also at that time that I started writing books.

To be precise, I started writing novels in notebooks when I was in junior high school. I also wrote poems, lyrics, songs and so on.

But I actually wrote the book in the second semester of my junior year. I was an intern throughout the semester. Then I desperately wanted to make money, so I wrote a book with a thousand words and fifteen words.

I think I have some talent. I finished the first draft very smoothly. After that, I basically didn’t make a big deal, but I didn’t make a lot of money either.

Kissing Fingertips and I were in an online relationship, and we met in the author group, and then our brainwaves clicked.I am in Hunan and he is in Jiangxi. Most people may not marry far away, but in my case, marrying far away is an advantage because I desperately want to stay away from my original family.

After that, it was uneventful, the two otakus and otakus had nothing to say.

Let’s go back to the topic of depression.

Postpartum depression should be a familiar topic. Due to physical and psychological reasons, most mothers will suffer from postpartum depression. Naturally, I also have it, but it was fine during the first pregnancy. Apart from the panic and panic, it was fine.

But when I had my second child, my son was a crybaby at night when he was three or four months old. He made trouble every day and could not eat or sleep well. In addition, by that time, I had accumulated three years of fatigue, so I often went crazy in the middle of the night and the child cried. , after all my attempts to coax him failed, I could only yell along with him. If I didn’t vent the pain in my heart, I might not be able to support it anymore.

When my son was one year old, he was hospitalized for seven days with acute gastroenteritis. I stayed in the hospital alone day and night, suffering so much that I could only vent my emotions by beating myself.

But no matter how difficult it was, I still got through it.

I have always regretted giving birth to my second child. As for having a third child, I couldn’t even think about it.

Kissing the fingertips said he was depressed. I thought about it again and again. Most of it was due to his personal reasons. Of course, from his perspective, I may have also put pressure on him. I hope he can be stable. Four thousand words update. I hope He keeps his word and I hope he can make more money and buy a bigger house.

I didn’t have an independent bedroom when I was a child, so I hope my children can have independent bedrooms. The house is too small now, and there is only one empty room. If I have two daughters, they can make bunk beds.

No matter how much he earns, he keeps all the money himself. He pays for the mortgage and car loan, but I pay for the living expenses of the family. When I gave birth to the child, he had no money at all, not even the mortgage money. It was still the same as last year. Only after writing "Taoist Priests Fighting Swords at Night" did they start making money.

I usually ask him to take the children for a walk in the community and exercise on his own, but he refuses.I stay in front of the computer every day, reading novels, watching variety shows, and writing a few words.

Then I would go out for drinks with friends from time to time, leaving me alone at home to take care of the baby. Even so, I had requirements for myself, that is, I must write four thousand words after opening the book.

I'm a Taurus, so I care about making money, and I will never throw away anything I don't need if I work hard.

He is a Pisces, and I never know what he is thinking or hoping for, or that he has many ideas but few actions.

I was married to Jiangxi for ten years, but due to work and personality problems, I didn’t have many friends here. Before giving birth to the baby, I often mingled with the author circle. After giving birth to the baby, I concentrated on raising the baby. I didn’t write a book for a few years, and then I was no longer an author. There are no friends left.

Sometimes, I have a strong desire to talk, but I can't find anyone to talk to, because when I talk to Fingertips, he either doesn't listen at all or is not interested.

So many readers and friends know that I especially love to reply to everyone's words, because I need some daily conversations to maintain my normal psychological needs.

I dissected my heart and reflected on more than thirty years of time. Times have changed, and I have a lot of emotions.

At the end of the writing, I hope that friends who come to support me from Kissing Fingertips, please give him your precious monthly tickets. I hope he can enter the top ten of the new book monthly ticket list.

Previously, he was ranked at No. 6, No. [-], but due to his lack of updates and the release of Big Brother in the middle of the month, he was pushed out.

It's really sad. With his updates, he is already at his peak in the new book monthly ticket sales list. I hope he can get No. 10!
(End of this chapter)