It's a diary

Chapter 53 c7
For a long, long time, whether in school or outside, whenever I saw a girl with ear-length hair, I would be so frightened that I would step back and hide away subconsciously.

In fact, if you include the week of military training, it is really twelve weeks.

Time flies so fast, it always passes by inadvertently, and you can't catch it every second.

Those days seemed like just yesterday.

At the end of August, just after more than a month of home isolation, I flew back to my grandma’s house in the countryside to stay for a few days.The price for me growing up and becoming more sensible is that the people I love grow older.

I stayed leisurely for a few days, chatting with my cousins, telling them to be sensible and obedient, and I would be back soon.

A certain poltergeist even told his sister that he missed me, but ended up not sending me a single message.What a badass.

Then, I returned to Beiyu.

The next day I went to do nucleic acid tests with Hippo.That day, I treated her to wontons, which was quite luxurious. A bowl of wontons cost fourteen and a half dollars (the taste was just average, woo woo, blood loss)... That's why I kept chasing after her to treat me to it. The aftermath of wontons.

During the Mid-Autumn Festival, I didn’t wait for the wonton meal.

On National Day, that value-for-money store closed down.

The next day, I came to Qingzhou, where I once wrote my works.

With the fearlessness of my youth and the sincere blessings of my mentor, as well as the affirmation and recognition of all my friends... I left Beiyu and arrived in Qingzhou.

Just as I wrote in a question: I want to see what kind of place makes her so gentle.

The train started, and outside the window, there were mountains, many, many, many mountains.So I have no idea when the train left the area under the jurisdiction of Beiyu City and arrived in Qingzhou.

The sun was so bright that day that it blinded my colleagues and made me worry that it would tan my exposed skin.

Then, then I cried so hard.

But at first, it was not because of fear of this strange city, but because of military training.

I'm a slacker, so I'm very sensitive to how much work I have to do and how tiring it is to do something.

Secondly, it is not fake that I am sick.Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to get an exemption certificate for the physical exam at the end of May.

I'm afraid, and so is she.

I was afraid that I would be embarrassed if I couldn't do it, and she was afraid that I would never go back to Beiyu.

In the days that followed, almost every day, you all knew.

After transferring to Somking ①, I felt that my whole body relaxed.

The look in her eyes when she looked at me was filled with dissatisfaction, provocation, ridicule... It's hard to describe, but it would be very uncomfortable to be looked at by such a person.

To be honest, I'm not afraid of her doing anything to me.But I am afraid of this kind of look and this kind of scrutiny.

Fake.I'm afraid she is real.

Eleven weeks.Counting twelve weeks of military training.I didn't see her for almost nine weeks.

The same building, the same classroom, the same training building... we can't meet each other, emmm, I don't know whether I should say it's luck or no luck.

Two days ago, I was wondering whether someone like her, with her virtues, might not be able to continue reading and leave.

Then last night I saw her name in the disciplinary list document published by the school.

Even more, tm, suffocating.

Today at noon, I also met her on the way back from the canteen.

The body is tilted, the legs are shaking, the eyes are narrowed and looking at me, the smile on the corner of the mouth is vague...

silly x.

I didn't squint or panic. I hugged the book and walked forward leisurely without looking back.

Afraid?Afraid.

I'm afraid that she will do something to me, but I'm also afraid that she won't do anything to me.

I have always thought people are terrible.For a period of time, I was depressed because I was human.In fact, I am not depressed because I am a human being, but I am depressed because I cannot be like other people.

Now, I don’t pursue being like others.

If you can, be yourself, if not, just go with the flow.I am a complete coward, too timid to speak.But I am also bold. You see, I am alone, in my teens, sick, and have gone out of my comfort zone.

I dare not express or speak.

Compared to my sister, I'm a total coward.No, compared to everyone around me, I am a coward.

It's the same accommodation, but my cousin, who is so much younger than me, can adapt better than me.During those few days when I went back, I often asked her if she was afraid, and she would reply to me in a helpless tone: No.Can you please stop being like this? There is nothing to be afraid of. You are older than me.

My sister can play basketball, shoot archery, and ride a bicycle throughout Beiyu...

I can not.I'm a slacker and a coward.

Even later, I didn’t dare to say that I wanted to learn guitar.I'm always afraid, worrying about this, thinking about that.

In this regard, I am like my uncle, who loves to overthink things.

I also have things like my younger uncle. For example, my older uncle said that I am as lazy as him.And that time, the two of us squatted at the door, each holding Lao Huan, who was gnawing on a green, raw mango.

I don’t like to tell others anything, and I still don’t like it. There are many, many things that I haven’t said.I don't know what to say, I'm afraid, I'm afraid of everything.

The distance between people is really far. I tried every means to tire myself out and keep myself busy, just because I didn’t want to remember these things.Not wanting to think of it is not escaping reality or not facing it.

Just like, I won't take the initiative to bother others.It doesn’t matter who you are, whether it’s a teacher or a classmate, it’s the same for me, and even for my family.

But I've done my part, so there seems to be no need to talk more.

In today's physical education class, I watched everyone else go up and take the 50m test. I lingered for a long time until the teacher called on me at the end.I just said, "I can't run."

He was already prepared to be scolded, but he said nothing more and just asked one more question.

It turns out that's the case.It's not that scary. :
Tsk, I'm still scared, not for any reason, just because I'm still stupid.

I'm a coward.It's okay, there's no shame in it.

Just like I am sick, it is a fact.

I don’t want to be ashamed of being a coward, and I don’t want to be ashamed of being sick.

If you can do it, do it. If you can't, do it. If you ask me what's wrong, I will tell you openly: "I'm sick. I'm terminally ill and dying."

You ask me what disease I have, but I don’t want to tell you.Because everyone has secrets.

Tonight’s calligraphy practice is Li Yu’s Poppy.I can write this poem silently with my eyes closed.

I still remember that in September two years ago, I returned to the hospital and chatted with my doctor for an afternoon.

Among them, the doctor from Inner Mongolia took a pen and paper and asked me to write a poem that I liked.

What I silently wrote down was Li Yu’s poppy poppies.

He took it and took a look and said: "I knew you were passionate when you wrote this poem. There are so many celebrities throughout the ages, but you chose such a subjugated monarch."

My doctor is very, very good.

But then, I never went to the hospital again.It’s not that I didn’t go, it’s that I couldn’t find him.I asked the nurse and she said that the doctor was not available for consultation.

I was shocked. During that year, I kept looking for him...

That day, I got my resumption certificate.

He asked me: "Do you still want to study?"

I smiled and looked at the sky outside the window behind him. I didn't answer his question and said to myself: "No matter what, I should finish studying in the past few years..."

He pushed up the glasses on the bridge of his nose and said, "Okay, okay. Let's study then and go back to study."

……

I did it.

I did it and left Beiyu.

This is another story.

(End of this chapter)