i'm not a bad man

Chapter 15 Sister 2
I don't want to talk about my family affairs with anyone, even Luan Yu, who I have been with day and night, I have never said anything... I have long thought that I was a duckweed in the world, rootless, drifting with the tide.

But on such a sad night, facing Ren Ran who could give me a sense of security, I really couldn't stand it any longer. I wanted to pour out all the deep pain in my heart; in this way, maybe I It will be easier.

Renran seemed to have noticed the change in my mood. She took out a box of women's cigarettes from her bag, handed one to me, and lit one herself. After she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, Said: "There are too many incredible changes in this world, just like me... Before I met you, I couldn't believe in my dreams that I would become like this... You know? From the first day I started school One day, I was recognized by everyone as a representative of both good character and academics... I am not playful, I don't swear, I don't indulge in any entertainment games, I put all my energy on my studies... My entire study life , I have won numerous awards and become the biggest pride in the eyes of my parents... But now, I actually learned to drink and smoke from you... If my former teachers and classmates saw it, they would be shocked..."

Having said this, Ren Ran smiled lazily, and then said: "But so what?... I really got a lot of happiness from smoking and drinking that I have never experienced before... I feel that smoking and drinking Wine has opened up my nature that has been suppressed, so this is a great decision for me... And a great decision must come from a brave attempt... So you don't have to suppress yourself so much, you If you have any unspeakable pain in your heart, you can try to tell me... If you never say it, you will never be able to let go... If you don't let go, how can you have a happy life?"

I looked at Ren Ran, and her eyes were full of encouragement: "You didn't come to me just to enjoy the sea breeze... I've even told you the shame my husband gave me. If you are willing to put your heart in Tell me your deepest secret... From the moment you tell it... we are the most intimate friends in this city."

After a while of silence, I finally said: "If you are really so curious, I will tell you... But, I don't know where to start."

"Don't be in a hurry, think about it and then speak slowly."

I closed my eyes and took a deep drag on the cigarette, and then thought of those days before I ran away from home. These days were like a piece of broken glass, and the sharp edges and corners stabbed me with blood.

I come from an unhappy family, full of contradictions and controversies.

……

There were only cigarette butts left in the cigarette in my hand. I finally said to Ren Ran beside me: "Before college, my life was actually pretty good... My dad is a local hydropower engineering boss. I heard from others that he I can earn 200 million a year, maybe more in reality... But when I was a freshman, a serious safety accident occurred at his construction site... Unfortunately, five workers died... In the past few years, he All the accumulated assets were used for compensation, and he was sentenced to three years for being responsible for major accidents... This was a disaster for a family that originally had no worries about food and clothing... During the three years he entered , my mother and I lived a very difficult life... Especially me, there was no way to adapt to this sudden change, because there are too many people in this world who make trouble... In order to avoid those bad words, I began to become Self-isolation... It was at that time that I fell in love with music... because I found that music is the only thing in the world that can bring me a little happiness... I started skipping classes and began to refuse all social interactions... every day I hid in my rented house, wrote songs, played musical instruments... As a result, I delayed my studies... In the end, I only got a certificate of graduation... In the same year that I dropped out of school, my dad came out... ...After he found out that I had dropped out of school, he became furious... He went to where I lived and smashed all the equipment I used to play music, and then locked me in my house for half a month until I promised him never to touch it again. music……"

"and after?"

"Later... I was like living in hell... Not only him, but also my mother, they all developed an almost perverted desire to control me... They hoped that I could take on the responsibility of reviving the family. heavy responsibility... I hope I can find a woman to marry as soon as possible and continue the family tradition... They began to force me to pursue a woman I didn't like at all... That woman didn't like me either... She was in front of me more than once They laughed at my family... They laughed at my father who was in prison, they laughed at me for not graduating from college, they laughed at my mother for being uneducated... I really couldn't get along with her... So, it was very painful for me. I told my parents this. At that time, they didn't understand me, they just blamed me for not being able to coax... But this was really a naked insult... Could it be that just because her father can arrange a decent job for me, I can lose my dignity? Don't you want them all?...Besides, this is just wishful thinking of my parents. Her father looks down on my family even more than she does. He may simply accept me, let alone arrange any bullshit job for me...Later, my parents After realizing this reality, I began to force myself to find a job again... I tried to find a job, but at that time I was so autistic that I didn't know how to get along with others, and it didn't take long for me to find a job. I lost it... My dad started scolding me for being incompetent, calling me a disgrace to the family, saying that I was not worthy of being his son... At least, he had succeeded... and I was nothing... During that time, It was really painful, and I felt that my body and mind were on the verge of collapse... I even wanted to die!"

"Then how did you get through it?"

"Smoking, drinking..."

"Isn't that worse?" "No... maybe God is blessing me... When I felt like I couldn't hold on any longer, I picked up a stray dog ​​in our community and fed it a piece of ham. It was no longer willing to separate from me... It was raining very heavily that day. It could have found a place to hide, but it kept following me and getting wet in the rain... I stopped and looked at it , it was very happy and kept wagging its tail at me... At that moment, I suddenly felt that I was also needed... Even though it was just a dog... I decided to adopt it... I gave it a name, Called Arhat..."

"Why is it called Arhat?"

"Because Arhat means that the six roots of body and mind are pure, free from life, death and worries... That was what I needed most at the time. Calling it Arhat is actually a kind of spiritual sustenance... Arhat did heal me to a certain extent. It really It is very cute and cares about me... We sleep together every night, and I talk to it a lot... It is very sleepy, and every time, before I say a few words, it has already fallen asleep... ...This made me feel that my worries were not worries... As long as I can fill my stomach and sleep peacefully like it every day, it is happiness... I gradually let go of the burden in my heart, and later, I I found a singing job in a bar. After all, this is what I like and what I am best at... However, in the eyes of my parents, keeping pets and singing are both signs of not doing their job properly, and they are going crazy. ...One day, when I was on my way to work at the bar, they did something that I can never forgive...They threw Arhat out of my room...My dad moved his hand, and my mom slapped it. video, and then sent the video to me and issued me the most serious warning..."

Ren Ran looked shocked, and after a long time, he sighed: "This!"

"After I returned home, I didn't argue or make a fuss... because I had given up completely... I buried Arhat, packed my luggage, deleted all contact with them, and left the twisted family... these For years, I have been proving to them that I don’t have to work or stand out, and I can still live happily... Moreover, there must be a woman in this world who is willing to accompany me for a happy life... We don’t have children, Don’t get married, just seize the day.”

"Have you succeeded?... Or in other words, have you been really happy in the past few years since you ran away from home?"

After a short silence, I smiled and replied: "I was happy and met a woman like that on the road... She has a very lively and cheerful personality. It is precisely because I have been with her for a long time that I have changed." To be like this now... is what you often call glib... Unfortunately, even she left me later, quietly and without any explanation..."

"That's why you waited so long in Qingdao."

"It's been a year and a half. If you wanted to come back, you should have come back long ago..."

Ren Ran had been silent in the wind for a long time, and I also saw her tears in her silence. She finally choked and said to me: "Qingdao is a big city with many people...so, everything... I can't use the word "most" to describe it... But after listening to what you said... I'm afraid there is no one lonelier than you in this city... You are the loneliest person I have ever seen... But you hide it very well He is always the happiest and most heartless one among us."

"Not lonely, it's nothing."

"From now on, it doesn't matter whether you are lonely or not...Give me your hand."

I was a little confused, but I still stretched out my hand in front of Ren Ran... The next moment, she held my hand tightly, and then said softly: "From now on, I will be your sister... As long as you want to be with me... There is a home here...just hold my hand...I will take you home!"

(End of this chapter)