i'm not a bad man

Chapter 322 About life, about death

I didn’t want to be resented by Zuo Xiaowei, and I didn’t need her thanks, so what Ren Ran said to me didn’t stir up much excitement in my heart, so that after Ren Ran and I ended the call, I Stop focusing on this matter...

But the moment I was lying on the bed, listening to the howling wind outside the window, I still thought of Zuo Xiaowei, and what she said to me just now, she said: The wind in the small town is very strong this year. I blew away a lot of people and left a lot of regrets...

After I calmed down, I felt inexplicably afraid because of these words. This fear made me feel upset, so I sat up from the bed again, looking at the dark and empty world, and lost my mind for a while...

……

I don’t know what’s wrong, but it’s very quiet upstairs today. Usually at this time, Qiao Jiao will be walking up there non-stop, making various noises. She has never been in the habit of going to bed early, so she probably hasn’t come back yet. .

I remember she chased Lu Xi. Could it be that she was still with Lu Xi?
After having such questions, I couldn't sleep anymore, so I took the initiative to call Qiao Jiao to ask them what the situation was like there.

The phone rang for a while before Qiao Jiao answered the call. It seemed very quiet over there, so quiet that it seemed like it was in a closed space.

I first asked Qiao Jiao, "Are you still outside?"

"Well, I won't go back tonight."

"What's going on? Are you going to live with Lu Xi?"

Qiao Jiao on the other end of the phone hesitated for a while and then replied: "No, we drove back to Qingdao overnight."

I was so surprised that my voice was a little higher: "Is something urgent happening? Why are you rushing to Qingdao overnight?"

Qiao Jiao's voice was heavy: "A friend... a friend had an accident and may be dying... Lu Xi and I will go back and have a look."

Qiao Jiao and Lu Xi’s friends are no more than 30 years old at most and are in the best stage of their lives. But they were told such bad news. My heart couldn’t help but become heavier, so that I didn’t know what to say for a moment. What.

After a long while, I said to Qiao Jiao: "I will definitely feel uncomfortable when encountering this kind of thing... But don't be too distracted by this. There are a lot of big cars on the way to Qingdao at night. You two must pay attention to safety when driving. .”

"Ah."

"Why didn't you call me when you were leaving? I used to drive on highways all over the country. It will save you a lot of worry if I help you drive."

Qiao Jiao's voice was still low: "Don't you have to talk to the aboriginal people in Danangou about changing your name tomorrow... I don't want you to waste time with us... You should do your work there. This time, I might It will take several days to come back.”

"Well... don't be too pessimistic. Miracles can happen in this world. Maybe your friends will turn the corner."

"There's little hope... That's it, I'm going to drive in Luxi later."

After Qiao Jiao said this, she hung up the phone...

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m obviously a friend of Qiao Jiao and Lu Xi, and I’ve never met them, but I still felt uncontrollably upset, and then I lit another cigarette. Standing by the window, taking deep breaths and shallow breaths...

I didn’t think about anything in particular. My mind was in a mess. I even thought about the time before my family was in trouble, my guitar, my beloved motorcycle, and then inexplicably. The puppy that was cruelly thrown down from the building by my parents and died...

I began to think about life, the origin of life, and the destination of life.I was suddenly very afraid of death. To be precise, what I was afraid of was not death, but the possible reincarnation. I was afraid that I would become a baby and come to the world again, and have to learn Chinese, mathematics, English, and all those unfinished things all over again. Gone are the physical and chemical formulas...

These are obviously things that I have already learned, but I still have to spend decades to learn them all over again, as well as the principles of life. After understanding the principles, I have to adapt to the joys and sorrows of the world. My parents They will leave me one day. If I were an only child and met relatives with weak affection, I would be alone in this world.

Maybe, I will start a new family with a woman, but I have seen examples that tell me that marriage is a tomb. After entering, those trivial matters are like ants that drink blood and eat flesh, and one day they will eat me up. No bones are left...

I became pessimistic and came to a pessimistic conclusion: life is actually meaningless!If there is reincarnation, it will be even more meaningless, because the new life is just a change of soup without changing the medicine. I will still be miserable and pessimistic, and then spend my whole life pursuing the meager joy in the gap between pain and pessimism. Enjoy...

……

The cold wind outside the window was still raging against everything, and along with the shrill sound of the wind, I fell deeply into the thinking trap I had set. It wasn't until my phone vibrated again that I suddenly woke up...

I didn't try to guess who was calling me. I just stiffly took the phone out of my pocket, and then I realized that it was a video call from my first girlfriend, Zhao Yingrou.

She is such a troublesome woman, always harassing me in this way that I have to face to face on the phone screen.

I switched the video call to voice, and then said to her impatiently: "Do you really have no sense of boundaries? Why are you making a video call in the middle of the night!"

"Why are you so irritable?...Didn't you say before that if I become a doctor, I must show you what I look like in a white coat? Today I am working the night shift, so I want to fulfill this promise, but you cover my face. You said something about me..." After saying that, she said with emotion: "I haven't seen you for several years. Is it really overwhelming? Our director doesn't even dare to speak about me in this tone!"

After pondering for a while, I replied: "I admit that I'm a little irritable...but couldn't you send a message to ask before making a video call? Aren't you afraid of my inconvenience?"

"Do you have a girlfriend yet?"

"Not yet..."

"What's the inconvenience?" Zhao Yingrou seemed to be very interested in the topic of girlfriends, so she asked again: "Tell me...how many girlfriends have you had since we broke up?"

When she asked, the images of Luan Yu and Zuo Xiaowei suddenly appeared in my mind, but I didn't intend to answer her boring question, so I took the initiative to change the topic and said to her: "Don't You keep asking me questions... I'm also quite curious about you. Haven't you always emphasized that you are a doctor? So what department are you a doctor in? You are not a veterinarian, right?"

"Yes, yes... I am a veterinarian who specializes in treating beasts like you."

I'm a little speechless...

Zhao Yingrou laughed for a long time, and then said to me seriously: "I'm not kidding you anymore, I'm a doctor in the Department of Thoracic Medicine at the Cancer Hospital..."

I was stunned for a moment and replied: "It sounds very technical!" (Follow the author's Weixin public account: *** to view the latest chapters)
"It's quite technical... However, once someone is transferred to our department, it means that one foot is already on the doorstep... In this year of practicing, I have really seen too many lives and deaths. Parting...sometimes I feel particularly numb to life, and sometimes I feel inexplicably afraid of death..."

I didn't expect that late at night like this, Zhao Yingrou and I, who had never had a common language, would have a common understanding of life. But just when I was about to have an in-depth discussion with her, something suddenly happened to her. Then he hung up the phone in a hurry...

I was in a daze, and 10 minutes later, she sent me a selfie of herself. I finally saw her in a white coat.

But I was even more confused for no reason. She is a doctor who treats malignant tumors. As she said, as long as a patient is transferred to her department, it is equivalent to stepping into the gate of hell; then, her white coat , is it the hope of life or the call of death?
(End of this chapter)