I am a literary giant in Japan

Chapter 55: I am sorry for being born as a human being - a suicide note from Yan Jing Takuya (34)

"Wait, Chief Senhara, are you saying Yan Jing-san committed suicide?"

It couldn't be said to be a bolt from the blue, but after hearing the bad news, Kitagawa Hide's heart still skipped a beat.

In the four months since he traveled through time, in order to write books and pay off his debts, Kitagawa Hide has not expanded his social circle much. There are not many people he can consider as friends, and Yan Jingtuo is one of them.

A 35-year-old man approaching middle age, with a similar background and experience to himself, living in poverty, but unlike his original self-destructive self, Yan Jing Takuya's passion for life is no less than that of Kitagawa Hide now.

He still remembers the glimmer of hope that flashed in the other party's eyes when he heard that the bar could be sold.

On the day of handing over the bar, Hide Kitagawa, Takuya Iwasui, and Masato Chihara sat together drinking, chatting, and imagining the future.

At that time, Yan Jing Takuya also said, "In the future, I will work hard and study hard like what you wrote in your book, and try to get rid of this terrible life!"

All of this seemed like it happened yesterday, and Kitagawa Hide, who suddenly received the news, felt even more that life is unpredictable. His mood, which had just improved, suddenly fell to the bottom.

"Yes, this is the exact news from the police station. Mr. Kitagawa, are you okay?" Seeing that he looked dazed, Masato Senhara couldn't help but walk closer and ask.

Beichuan Xiu shook his head and reached out to open the door of the cafe: "I'm fine, just a little sad, come in first and talk."

"Excuse me." Masato Senhara followed him into the cafe. Seeing the mess from last night, he quickly put down his handbag and helped clean up.

"Was it really a simple suicide?" Kitagawa Hide wiped the solidified wine stains on the bar with a rag and confirmed again, "When exactly did it happen?"

"That's the conclusion given by the police station. I also asked my colleagues to investigate and they confirmed that both of them committed suicide by hanging." Senhara Masato threw the empty cans into the trash can one by one.

"It happened around 3am. The body was found by the apartment manager. It seemed that the manager was late in opening the door when he came to collect the water and electricity bills. So,

"So." Kitagawa Hide couldn't imagine why the couple committed suicide. Didn't they say they were going to remarry? And with the 996 million yen he used to buy the bar, their daily life shouldn't be a problem for the time being.

"Oh, by the way, doesn't Yan Jing-san have a daughter?"

Kitagawa Hide suddenly thought of this.

Senhara Masato's eyes dimmed: "It is said that he also passed away."

"What's going on?" Kitagawa Hideshi's heart sank again.

Senhara Masato took out a piece of letter from his bag and handed it to him: "Teacher Kitagawa, please take a look at this. The police station summoned me because I recently had business cooperation with Yan Jing-san. This letter is written to you, and they asked me to give it to you by the way."

Kitagawa Hide took the letter and found that it was written in crooked handwriting: "To Mr. Kitagawa - your loyal but incompetent reader, Yan Jing Takuya". There were bloodstains and tear stains on the cover. It obviously didn't weigh much, but he felt it was unusually heavy in his hand.

When Kitagawa Hide opened the envelope to check the contents, Senhara Masato also told him what he had heard from the police station after simply piecing together the story.

Takuya Yan'ai's daughter Yumiko Yan'ai suffered from acute leukemia, and his wife, who had always believed in Aum Shinrikyo, foolishly sent her daughter to the Mahaposa Co., Ltd. affiliated hospital for treatment.

That hospital, like Mahaposa Co., Ltd., which produces and sells computer equipment, and the "Delicious and Cheap Tei" chain of tonkotsu ramen restaurants, is a physical business used by Aum Shinrikyo to make money.

Aum Shinrikyo sent its followers to work in these companies in the name of "spiritual practice". Because the followers were not paid any wages, the operating costs of these companies were very low and the profits were very good.

However, not all of these believers who were sent out had experience in related industries, and the doctors and nurses in the hospital did not even have a medical qualification certificate.

Yumiko Yan'ai's condition became increasingly serious after receiving treatment at that hospital, but the hospital's doctors claimed that there were special imported drugs from the United States that could treat her and there was no need to transfer her to another hospital.

Takuya Yan'ai's wife believed it and invested all her money. She then took 300 million yen in cash from her husband and gave it to them to treat her daughter.

But in fact, the treatment methods they use are just so-called yoga therapy and hot therapy.

Simply soaking a person in 50-degree hot water or drinking some 60-degree hot drinks can give people the illusion that "I am indeed feeling a little better."

Last night, Yumiko Yanai unfortunately passed away due to a sudden worsening of her illness. The devastated couple was left with nothing, blamed themselves extremely, and then committed suicide in pain and despair.

Of course, these things were pieced together by Masato Senhara from various sources and are not official testimonies.

"After Yumiko-chan passed away, the hospital destroyed the body immediately, and the forensic doctor was unable to perform an autopsy. The couple committed suicide, and there were no other relatives in their family to sue the hospital, so..." Masato Senhara didn't say anything else, but Hide Kitagawa already knew the result.

He also saw these things in the suicide note that Yan Jingtuo left for him.

The accidental death of his daughter and his wife's self-blame and suicide evoked all kinds of tragic memories from his childhood to adulthood. Yan Jingtuo, who had been suppressing his pain and finally saw hope shattered in an instant, collapsed directly.

"I was an alcoholic, a prostitute, a parasite, and when I ran out of money I would even make clothes for women. But only I knew that I was a good child like God. After the bubble burst, I realized that I had lost the qualifications to be a human being in the first half of my life, but the fault was not mine, but my father's and even the whole world's."

After his collapse, Yan Jingtuo also dug deep into the pain he had experienced since childhood in his suicide note, as if he would feel more comfortable if he cut open his heart in such a bloody way.

From childhood to youth to middle age, he described his life as "a life full of shame and failure."

The feeling of despair seemed to be transmitted through the paper.

But at the end of the letter, he was like a child who had just vented his hysteria, saying that he longed for redemption, longed to be loved, and longed to return to his normal life, to a time when his wife was still a normal person, his daughter was healthy, and nothing was lost at home.

"Teacher Kitagawa, I tried very hard, but why is the result still like this?"

"Where did the pinball machine you mentioned in "Ball" end up? Did 'I' and 'Rat' find it? Did they find redemption?"

"How ridiculous! I clearly told you not to spoil the story the other day, but now I'm thinking about seeing the ending of Ball in advance."

"Oh, and there's a third part. You said it's a long novel. I'm really looking forward to it. I really want to buy a limited edition with your signature for Yumiko when the Youth Trilogy is finished and a physical collection is released. I heard from Hisako that she fell asleep listening to your novels while she was in the hospital bed."

"Mr. Kitagawa, I think it is this character flaw that ultimately led to my shameful life. You must be very disappointed in me. I'm sorry."

"So this is what it means to be born as a human being. I'm so sorry." Beichuan Xiu felt very upset.

This sentence comes from the work "Suicide Note" by Japanese poet Jutaro Terauchi. It was later used as the subtitle of "The Flag-Bearer of the 20th Century" by Dazai Osamu and widely circulated. It means that one's existence has brought trouble to the world and that one is not qualified to be a human being.

In his previous life, Kitagawa Hide had heard this sentence countless times. Later, it even became a popular Internet term and became an ironic joke.

But at this moment, looking at the suicide note left by Yan Jingtuo, he suddenly understood the true meaning of this sentence.

The pain hidden within, engraved deep in my heart.

"Teacher Kitagawa, are you okay?" Senhara Masato felt as if he had just heard something extraordinary. Seeing Kitagawa Hide shed tears, he quickly picked up a tissue and handed it to him.

In his opinion, these top literary writers are generally so sensitive and sentimental that they cry easily. It is said that their emotional perception is many times stronger than that of ordinary people.

"It's okay. Have the police read the suicide note?" asked Kitagawa Hide.

"They have seen it, but they think it was written when someone was mentally ill and cannot be used as evidence." Masato Senhara sighed.

"What about the body? If there are no family members or relatives, the police station will hand it over to the funeral home for handling." Kitagawa Hide asked again.

"I've had clients who do similar work before. It's said that unclaimed bodies like these will be handed over to university hospitals as cadavers, but in reality..." Senhara Masato lowered his voice. Even though they were the only ones here, he still found it difficult to speak. "It's said that there's still a great demand for some intact organs."

Kitagawa Hide didn't respond.

The two of them looked at the suicide note and fell silent again.

It is worthy of being the Japan of the 90s, which appears to be polite and bright on the surface, but is vicious and cruel behind the scenes, with muddy currents all over the place.

After a long while, Kitagawa Hide suddenly broke the silence: "Is Mr. Qianyuan free this weekend?"

"Eh? If there is no special business in the bank during the weekend, you should be free," said Senhara Masato.

"Then let's hold a small funeral for Yan Jing-san and the others."

"I want to tell him that he has not lost his qualification to be a human being. He has nothing to apologize for being born as a human being."

(End of this chapter)