I don't like the world, I only like you

Chapter 5 The person in front of you is the sweetheart

The summer vacation after the college entrance examination was the most difficult summer for me so far. F went to England at that time, and we started a four-year cold war.The reason for the cold war is funny - he confessed his love to me, and I rejected him.In fact, it is not a confession, Mr. F is sullen and arrogant, even the confession is very graceful.

I was in a bad mood that day because I just learned that F was going to England, and I only learned about it from someone else, who didn't tell me anything before.Several boys said that the first thing to do in college is to find a girlfriend. Before the end of the freshman year, you must have a first love. Our monitor is very efficient and quickly established the "First Love Ending Squad", and F is also listed. for the players.

As a result, F said very calmly: "I already have a first love."

When he said this, his eyes were looking at me. Everyone booed at first, and then followed his gaze to see me who was dumbfounded, and suddenly fell silent.

I felt very angry at the time, you are going to leave, what do you mean by saying this now, is it fun to tease me?I answered him with a cold face: No, first love is a matter between two people.

This is probably the cruelest thing I have ever said in my life.

He stared at me for a few seconds, then bowed his head and stopped talking.Later, someone changed the subject, and no one mentioned it again.After the end, the birds and beasts dispersed and went home separately. Somehow, there were only the two of us left. He accompanied me to take a taxi on the side of the road. I could feel that he was angry. When the car came, I pretended to be relaxed and said to him: "When we get there Keep in touch."

He said blankly: "I won't contact you again."

He really walks the talk.For the next four years, he never took the initiative to find me again, and I left him a message, but he never replied.

I know many people can't understand why I turned him down.I thought about this very seriously, and at first I felt that I was angry that he had gone so far without telling me.

But assuming he doesn't leave and stays, will I accept it?
It seems not.

When I meet someone I like, I am cautious and dare not get closer to him. I don't quite understand what kind of mentality I have.Then I watched a movie where the main character asked his teacher, "Why do we always fall in love with people who don't care about us?"

His teacher replied: "Because we always feel that we don't deserve better love."

It dawned on me, yes, I don't think I deserve his love.

I have a deep-rooted inferiority complex in my character.When I was young, adults always compared me with my elder brother. Guan Chao was very smart, and I couldn't compare to him in every way.When I grow up a bit, and suddenly get sick again, I always feel that I am a burden to my family and have no hope for the future.When I was a teenager, I became sensible and began to realize that my family was different. The single-parent family made me weak and sensitive.

Once I went to F's house to play, and I fully understood what it means to feel ashamed.

It's not that his family's financial conditions are good, but that the family atmosphere makes me envious, open-minded, harmonious, and parents love each other.I remember that there was a large floor-to-ceiling window in the living room of his house, which was bright and majestic. At that time, I thought that the children who grew up in this house must be bright and open.

It was probably the first time he brought a girl home. His mother was very friendly and asked about my family and what my parents did at the dinner table.

It was really just an unintentional question, but it made me feel unprecedented embarrassment.

I don't remember how I answered it at the time, maybe I told a lie full of loopholes in a panic.

Before leaving, her mother gave me a jar of rose biscuits she made herself, and kindly said that she would come again next time.

I also smiled and nodded in agreement, but I know I won't come again.

I like his house very much, the floor-to-ceiling windows, and his mother, but I won't come here again, because I won't be able to lift my head, and I will be ashamed.

Yes, the dirtiest thing in the world is human self-esteem.

My adolescence is like this - low self-esteem, twisted, sensitive.

For a long time, I didn't understand why he liked me like this.

We had no contact like this, and after graduating from university, I worked in Changsha.During the 60th anniversary of my alma mater, I went back to my hometown and had a reunion with my high school classmates, only to find out that F is also back.

The squad leader called him and said, "We are at XXKTV, are you coming?" I had a premonition that he would come, and sure enough, the squad leader went out to pick him up after a while.

I was terribly nervous, fidgeting, and finally hid in the bathroom very cowardly.

I dawdled there for more than ten minutes, all kinds of psychological construction and self-comfort.Then tidy your hair, take a deep breath, and push the door open.

I saw him right away in the crowd.

It was very strange, we hadn't seen each other for four years, the lights in the KTV were so dim, and there were so many people, he wasn't sitting in the middle, but I saw him the first time I walked in.

His hair was cut short, he wore a black sweater that I didn't remember seeing, and he lost a lot of weight and matured a lot.

He raised his head, looked at me for a few seconds, then averted his eyes indifferently, without any intention of greeting me.

Because there was no room, I had no choice but to sit down beside the karaoke machine, bow my head and pretend to be busy. F sits two people away from me.

Ever since he appeared, I didn't know where to put my hands and feet, and my heart was in a mess.I had to find something for myself to pretend I didn't really care about his presence.It happened that there was a can of Coke on the table. I picked it up like a savior, but I didn't pull it away after picking it twice, so I had to put it back silently in embarrassment.

Unexpectedly, as soon as I put it down, the can of Coke was picked up again and opened with a snap.

It is F.

He opened the Coke with a calm expression and put it in front of me, while tilting his head to talk to the person next to him, without even looking at me during the whole process.

I suddenly want to cry.

After that, our relationship eased a bit and we started to get back in touch.It’s very interesting to say that I didn’t quarrel when I broke up with him, we didn’t cry a lot when we got back together, we didn’t confess when we were together, and we didn’t make a serious proposal when we got married. It all happened naturally... It seems that we all Know it will happen, it's just that the moment has come.

After that, our relationship eased a bit and we started to get back in touch.He went to work in Beijing, and I was in Changsha.Once he was on a business trip, and I invited him to dinner.

That day when I came out of the company, I saw him wearing a black windbreaker from a distance, smoking a cigarette alone under the street lamp, the autumn wind was rustling, he was frowning and thinking, and the colorful neon lights behind him made him even more lonely.

I only found out later.That period was the trough of his life. It should be his most desperate moment. He took the blame for his boss, lost his job and owed a lot of debts. He often suffered from insomnia until late at night and paralyzed himself with hard work. In my heart, there is no one to confide in or unwilling to confide in.

At that moment, I felt very sorry for him. I felt that he had a heavy burden on his shoulders, but I never shared anything for him. I didn't even know when he learned to smoke.

I went around behind him and patted him.When he saw me, he frowned all of a sudden, as if he was very happy, and put out the cigarette.

We talked a lot that day, mostly about memories and work, and avoided talking about emotional matters.

We sat until closing time, and when we came out of the restaurant, there were few people on the street and it was still raining lightly. We were not in a hurry to go home, so we walked slowly along the road.

I asked him a random question, and I said, "Is there something you are so sure you can do that you never doubt yourself?"

He said without hesitation: "Yes, a lot."

I said, "I'm the opposite of you. I've never had this kind of self-confidence. I'm not sure about many things."

He walked around to my right, let me walk inside the road, bowed his head and said: "Then you remember now, there is one thing you can be sure of - I will always be yours."

He spoke calmly.

Later, I decided to resign and go to Beijing.

At that time, I worked in a newspaper for a year. My leader was Lao Hu, who was well-known in the industry. He would often point my nose and scold me at conferences, and then stay up all night to help me reorganize interview plans. When Flying Dog jumped, he took me to the corridor to accompany him to smoke. He taught me to always maintain ideals and feelings. He is a very good person, and I have always regarded him as my mentor.I decided to resign and go to Beijing, and he was the first to object.

"What are you doing?"

"I didn't do anything wrong."

"What are you going to Beijing for?"

"I'm young, and I'm going to open up a wider world."

"You fart." He scolded me.

I had to tell the truth: "When I was studying, there was a very good boy who liked me. I don't think people should be too selfish. He walked 99 steps for me, and I should also take one step for him."

He asked bluntly, "Would you die without this man?"

"It's not impossible to die, but it will definitely be a pity. It's the first time I've grown up to feel that someone is worth my hard work to cherish. I don't want to lose him again."

He stopped talking and smoked white sand. I remember him waving at me in the smoky room and saying, "Go away, come back when you regret it."

I just dragged my suitcase and rolled to Beijing, and I have not regretted it so far.

I have changed a lot over the years, slowly becoming cheerful, confident, and fun.I was not like this when I was a student. At that time, I was a very humble girl—I always wore a fat school uniform, thick glasses, and a ponytail every day. It took a lot of courage to let my hair down and raise my hands to speak.

Later, I left home and went to study abroad alone. I met a group of buddies, all of whom were very lively and interesting people. After working, I met all kinds of people. Stand alone.Many people say that growing up is cruel, on the contrary, I think growing up is the most wonderful thing in the world - there is always hope, never afraid of losing, so many gorgeous scenery, only when you grow up can you touch it.

During the time when F was not by my side, I figured out one thing——

The question is not why he loves me, but whether I deserve to be loved or not?

I agree with Lin Xi’s point of view, liking someone is like liking Mount Fuji, you can see it, but you can’t move it away—the only thing you can do is to go there by yourself and fight for your lover.

It took me so many years to understand this truth. Fortunately, the person I thought would never forgive me in his life has been standing there waiting for me.

So I say, meeting F is the luckiest thing in my life.

When I was the most ignorant, I once said to him, you go, you will find someone better.

He replied with a sentence that still shocks me, he said: "I never want anyone better, I just want the person in front of me, when will you understand?"

Yes, I understand now, thank you for never abandoning me, thank you for being patient enough to wait for a girl to grow up slowly.

The bottom of the sea is the sky and the moon, and the person in front of you is the sweetheart.

(End of this chapter)