Secret Love · Orange Raw Huainan

Chapter 111 2014 Postscript: A Long Goodbye (3)
This was the straw that broke the camel's back.I was trembling with anger, but I told myself rationally, there was nothing wrong with ××.All the enthusiasm and kindness poured out of my pocket are voluntary and voluntary. Why should I blame others?

But I don't need to wrong myself to keep cooperating with his habit.I dialed his number directly, but he refused to answer as expected, and called again, but was rejected again.I did not contact him again after two phone calls.A day later, as if nothing had happened, he asked me about buying train tickets again, but I didn't reply.

At night, he sent a text message without thinking: "I am a terrible and selfish person, now you know, stay away from me."

It turns out that ×× is not stupid.

During the two months without contact, I joined a new club, learned to perm my hair and buy clothes according to the trend, and met all kinds of new classmates.College life unfolded lively, and I gradually stopped thinking about ×× every day, and I was finally able to evaluate him objectively and calmly.

The rumors are true, he does have a low EQ, and he is indeed not likable.

So, what do I like about him?Could it be that "it was amazing at the beginning, it was perfect, just because it was rarely seen in the world"?However, I will still read the text messages one by one at night.Every one of his bland replies, including the full stop that I hate so much, is squeezed into the small Nokia inbox, and I can't bear to delete it when it's full.

In the early winter morning near the end of the period, I suddenly saw his back at the end of a small road.

Countless early mornings in high school, when I came out of the cafeteria on time, I could always see his back carrying his schoolbag to the teaching building.There is a more arrogant self in my heart, as if it is about to rush out in the next second, shouting at the boy in front: "××! Hello! Let's get to know each other!"

Fortunately, she didn't rush out.Unfortunately, she didn't rush out.

Reminiscing like this, his name has been blurted out inadvertently, the voice is crisp and clear, as relaxed as if we have known each other for many years, and this is just an ordinary morning, encountering an acquaintance by chance.

He turned around, smiled a little shyly, and said, "I thought you would never talk to me again."

I said: "How come?"

The previous quarrels were kept silent. We chatted about our final exams, how to write essays for elective courses, and which cafeteria had delicious pancakes... Finally, I was no longer the only one talking endlessly.Maybe because I let go of my desire to express myself and connect, it made things easier.

We were doing self-study in the library together, and occasionally I would deliberately ask him questions that I could do; after self-study, I accompanied him to practice riding a bicycle, and he also tried to take me on the back seat, almost falling to my death; after jumping out of the car He said he was sorry, but I said I was too heavy; when I was tired from cycling, I sat by the lake, under the gentle moonlight. The way I look in his heart.

The back desk of the first year of high school chatted with him in the make-up class, but he no longer remembered this person.

It turned out that he had never made a three-pointer. If he had, it was probably the one I saw.

"It's true that I hate Chinese, but I have read your composition. There was an exchange of comments and revisions, and I was the one who commented on yours."

I suddenly remembered the composition with the three big characters of "I didn't understand" written on the paper, and I couldn't laugh or cry.

I finally got to know a real XX, not any one I imagined in my heart.He is an ordinary boy who likes to play but is not good at playing; he wants to go to the United States after graduation, like all boys who study science; he is very dependent on his mother, but finds her annoying; he has a sullen personality, few friends, and likes to watch animation I don't know how to get along with people, and I can't understand anything that is a little bit around the corner.

I no longer toss and turn holding the phone, thinking about every reply; when I am too lazy to send text messages, I will call directly, and he is finally willing to answer, although he is still a little nervous and stammering; he will still recommend him when he sees interesting things, But when he said "I don't understand", I no longer panicked and embarrassed, and passed it with a smile, and sometimes I would directly scold him for being stupid.

I'm not a naturally enthusiastic person, but I finally became his friend.

One unremarkable evening, after evening self-study, we rode to the lake and sat for a while.I suddenly said, "Sing a song."

He said: "I never sang, and my elementary school music teacher forced me to fail me, so I didn't sing either."

I said, "Okay."

But after a moment of silence, he suddenly began to sing.The voice is clear and not out of tune, but it's not very pleasant.

It is "Seven Lixiang" by Jay Chou.He took my hand and sang.

We seemed to be waiting for the other to say something, but in the end we fell silent together.

I remember when I first entered school a year ago, the only thing he promised me was to join the sign language club with me.The reason I encouraged him was that I heard that the teacher would teach everyone to sign "I love you" in the first class.

The classroom with 200 people was packed, he couldn't hold on, frowned and said, "It's so boring, I'm leaving."

I didn't even have time to stop him, and he didn't even greet me.As soon as he disappeared at the door, the president standing in front said with a smile: "I know that everyone is looking forward to this the most. Come, let's learn the most important sentence."

I love you.

Later, he texted me and asked me: "What did you learn later, is it fun, did I miss anything?"

I said, "No."

My [-]% enthusiasm was burned in the past, I really regret it, I regret it.

At that moment, I finally understood my own mind.I am still connected by blood and share the same memory with the high school girl who pretended to be walking by the basketball hoop, and I also worked hard for her ignorant love.It's a pity that there is such a long time gap between longing and obtaining, it has changed me unconsciously, and I don't want to pay for her fantasy anymore.

Maybe this is what she wants, but I can't go through Homecoming and bring her to the moonlight at this moment, saying, I will give you everything.

After all, it's still a little late, and I'm not her anymore.

I still gently withdrew my hand.

At the age of eighteen or nineteen, life is so lively.I still gently withdrew my hand.

And we gradually faded away.

I was going to go abroad for an exchange throughout my junior year, so in the summer before my departure, he invited me out for dinner and said that he would see me farewell.

My first thought was that his phone had been stolen.What a joke, how could XX do such a humane thing.

But I'm still in high spirits, and I'm still dressing up with my heart.The weather in August was frighteningly hot. We went to see Jay Chou's "Slam Dunk". Half an hour before the movie opened, we sat outside in the shade of a tree and chatted, saying that he did well in the GRE test, and that I should pay attention to safety when I go out alone... I Suddenly asked him: "Do you remember the last time we watched a movie together?"

We watched three movies together, and the middle one, also in summer, was Jay Chou's "The Unspeakable Secret".He didn't know why he bought a movie ticket for me to watch, and he didn't ask me if I had time.As for me, I got off the train on the way back from Tibet, and it took me an hour to run from Beijing Railway Station to the Haidian Theater and Cinema, and I even went back to school to change clothes on the way.

×× surprised: "You didn't have time, why didn't you tell me?"

I smiled and said, "Who made me naturally enthusiastic?"

After the movie, we had lunch together, and he ordered more than 400 yuan of dishes by himself.I said, "Can you let me look at the menu and die?" He realized that he was rude, and said embarrassingly: "My parents and I ate these when we came over, and I just ordered according to the dishes that day."

My heart is full of sour tenderness.

After the meal, he didn't know how to go home, so I sent him to the car again dumbfounded, and saw him sitting in the back row and waving at me.Under the blue sky and white clouds, my back merged into the traffic, and I stood there for a long, long time.

Who is this farewell party for whom, I thought with a smile, but tears flowed out.

"Goodbye." I said silently in my heart.

This story is flat and boring, but it has a good ending anyway.

However, after half a year of no contact, I suddenly received an internal letter from him on the Xiaonei website, which contained only a short line: I have a girlfriend.

The proud part of my heart is spouting wildly-why tell me?Does the old lady care very much?
But it was just a flash.The news didn't make me sad, not at all.I quickly replied to him: "Congratulations, I wish you happiness."

A few minutes later, a strange girl also sent me an internal letter: "He is mine now, I will take good care of him for you, don't worry."

An awkward malice rushed over my face, and I froze.

Almost at the same time, XX replied with a letter: "She sent the message about having a girlfriend just now using my account. If she insists on doing this, I can't stop her."

I stared blankly at the screen, my heart full of absurdity and anger.I quickly closed the page, picked up the bowl and went back to the dining table to continue eating, and exaggeratedly praised Bo, the American girl who lived with me, for frying potatoes well——Bo suddenly asked, "Why are you crying?"

did i cry?

The funniest thing is that the first time I completely told the story of XX with others, it was actually in English.

I kept saying to Bo, "You must be misunderstood, but I'm not upset because he has a girlfriend, I'm not jealous, that's not the reason."

Bo hugged me, patted me tenderly and said: "I know, I know, It shouldn't be like this."

It shouldn't be like this.
It shouldn't be like this.I used to be nice to him, and he also showed my sincerity.For this ambiguous relationship that can be written into the "Top [-] Failure Cases", we have said goodbye and have no contact.

I care so much about the ending.The final farewell should be calm. It should not be at the gate of the sweaty train station. Before you can say "goodbye", you will be bruised and swollen by passengers with big bags. When you look up again, you are gone.

The sense of form is so important, it allows us to try to live with a little dignity in our wretched and lost life.I need this sense of solemnity, not for ××.

But for her.

For the girl who threw her luggage on the ground and flew down the steps like a bird with her arms outstretched.

Fortunately, God was kind to me, and the ending I wanted was finally harvested a year later.

In the winter of my senior year, just after the interview, I walked back to school tremblingly in a nice but not warm windbreaker. I stood at the door of the store and bought a cup of burnt grass jelly and held it in my hand to keep warm.At this time, when I heard the sound of the bicycle falling to the ground, I turned around and saw XX, who fell to the ground together with his girlfriend.

It was a steep slope, and it was difficult for a bicycle to start uphill, not to mention that it was still winter and there was only one person with me.

I remembered that he used to take me with him on a bicycle. After a fall, we were polite to each other, and we almost bowed.

At this time, I heard him yelling at his girlfriend: "I told you not to let you jump up at this time, but you just wanted to do this, and you fell to my death!"

I can't help thinking, if such a scene happened to me, how would I react?I'm afraid he just apologized to him with a cold face, then picked up his bag, turned around and left? —How dare you yell at me?

However, the girlfriend tilted her head, smiled sweetly and said, "I want you to take me uphill."

He was still upset, but he stopped insisting, and said with a straight face, "Oh, come up."

I laughed out loud not far away, feeling sincerely that everything was fine.

This is the lover.No hypocrisy, no pretense, no boring egos in the way, everything is so natural and lovely.

There was nothing wrong with what happened back then.He met his real lover and wanted to confess everything about himself, including the names of the cats and dogs who had been inexplicably ambiguous back then, and then helplessly watched the girl he loved bared her teeth at these cats and dogs... How legitimate and sweet is this one thing.

There are thousands of ways to tell a story.I chose to accept their one as the ending.

I stood where I was, laughing out a whole long shot.

It was just a shitty crush, nothing to write home about, but I wrote every word with the utmost seriousness, trying to make it sound special.

Because I can feel that my 16-year-old self is sitting at the table, resting his chin on every word that is freshly baked, poking the screen with his index finger from time to time and saying: This is not well written, rewrite; you lied here, rewrite Write; here... don't write here, let's just know it ourselves.

I tried not to listen to her.It’s hard for people not to put a filter on their memories. Why do some things have to be so real, maybe others will mistake me for me, and I still remember ××, who can bear it?
But 16-year-old me said, "You have to be honest."

You have to be honest with me.

So I discarded the adult mask, fought hard against my vanity, and told the story of how her girlish heart crashed.

I heard her say thank you.

Thank you for fighting alone for so many years, and finally ushered in a 26-year-old me.

A comrade who was ten years late.

We hold hands and say goodbye to this adolescence together, the longest.

Since then, I have left the good things to her, and I am mature enough to digest the rest of my life.

August Chang'an
April 2014

(End of this chapter)