Secret Love · Orange Raw Huainan

Chapter 46 To Our Decaying Youth
Luo Zhi once watched Shunji Iwai's "April Story". The girl who studied hard because of her crush and miraculously got into Musashino University was much purer and happier than herself.If she is ignorant and ordinary, and only regards him as the goal and motivation to persist, then this forbearing secret love may be even more embarrassing.But she is not.She has her own pride and responsibility, and that "catch him up and become as strong as he is" belief just helps her go with more fun and motivation.After all, it was easier to think about him than to think day after day of her mother shrugging her shoulders as she cried behind her back.

He confidently took the lead in this way, while she liked and chased after her, without delaying both her studies and her love.

However, even though she didn't dare to say anything, she was still looking for some kind of opportunity to attract his attention.

Every afternoon in the early summer of the first year of high school, she would wander around the playground after class, just to see if he would play on the playground.The ridiculous thing is that she never dared to blatantly move near the basketball hoop where her class played, but instead avoided it, blushing and heartbeating in a distant corner, like a strange way of physical exercise.

It seemed that she was afraid that if she got closer, the whole world would see through her intentions and pierce her thoughts.

Every time Luo Zhi thinks about it, she will be very surprised, she is really innocent enough.

The Chinese teacher in her liberal arts class also teaches the third class, which makes her excited and uneasy.Luo Zhi knew that the only thing she was better than him was composition, but those old-fashioned topics, badly used arguments, pros and cons, parallels and metaphors... She guessed that he must be disdainful, otherwise that sentence would not have appeared. The famous "Who is Sheng Huainan, do you still want to go to university?"

Therefore, every time she takes an exam, she writes essays conscientiously, and spends her time refurbishing those lifeless clichés, from the realm of thought to the choice of words and sentences, so that the essays can be well-regulated and get high scores, and the reading is not overwhelming. Life is annoying—in this way, when the Chinese teacher takes the model essay to class three, or when she prints out the excellent composition as a model and distributes it during the school year, the essays he sees will definitely not be stereotyped essays that make him sneer.

However, she wrote it so carefully that he didn't read any of it.

Although they had never met each other, the one thing Luo Zhi wanted to know the most when he was in high school was, did he really know himself?At least heard of it?What was that impression?Talented?diligent?Or a lifeless nerd?He has heard of who is the number one student in the liberal arts class, has he read her composition, does he like it?
Later, on that so-called first date, she finally got an answer.

He had never read those compositions, they were just used for calculation paper.In class, the Chinese teacher read her composition aloud, and he fell asleep peacefully in the audience.

Zhang Mingrui said that Sheng Huainan "never paid attention to you".

There are many small thoughts in the time and space of memories, like floating bubbles, pierced one by one by the thin needle of truth.

Tired from walking, she jumped onto the window sill on the fourth floor of the administrative area and sat down, turning around to look at the deserted playground.

She has always liked this window sill, and has liked to come here to sit and think about things since the first year of high school.The wide rim allows her to sit sideways on it and stare blankly all night with her knees hugged.It's a pity that Sheng Huainan and Ye Zhanyan always came to occupy this place for some reason, and she often walked nearby to recognize two figures in the dim light, and could only turn back regretfully.

I don't know if it counts as a sad and ridiculous tacit understanding between her and him in a certain aspect.

Luo Zhi looked out of the window steadfastly.On the desolate playground, the fallen leaves are swirled by the wind. Occasionally, small sandstorms will roll up on the football field where the loess is exposed, hitting the windows and making a rustling sound.

It is still more beautiful at night, and everything during the day is so real and ugly.Luo Zhi suddenly realized that it was no wonder that when Sheng Huainan took her to the platform of the Like Building to see the night view that day, she felt so familiar—the night view of Zhenhua actually had twin faces.

A pure land surrounded by a bustling urban area, a black hole surrounded by thousands of bright lights.

When the second semester of high school started, Sheng Huainan met Ye Zhanyan.

Luo Zhi's uninterrupted diary was blank for ten days.

Her sadness is not because he has a girlfriend, but because his girlfriend's personality is very different from hers.Only then did Luo Zhi suddenly understand that no matter how positively she behaved, she was not his cup of tea.

Before that, she originally thought that youth could stay there, he moved forward safely, she chased after happily, carefully collected everything about him, even in understanding some small details of him, she was more confident than him himself .What's more, the bond between them has lasted for so long, what might this so-called fate mean? Isn't it always written like this in novels?Her fantasies were not without foundation.

She wrote in her diary:

I have never been confident, however, for some reason, I always feel that he and I will be together one day, or that we have always been together before.

Facts have proved that it is better for her not to be too confident.

Several times, before she fell into a dream, she told herself that one day she would open the diary openly for him to read, and say to him, I can see when you are really happy, when you are polite, and when you are happy. impatient.I think you're lonely and I hope you can trust me because I...

Luo Zhi seldom has the little pink dreams of girls of that age, if the "showdown" just now counts as one.

But it's not needed now, Ye Zhanyan will understand his secret emotions.Even if Ye Zhanyan doesn't understand it very well, he doesn't have to observe and figure it out secretly like Luo Zhi - he will take the initiative to tell her.

Forget it, Luo Zhi.

She spread the diary on the table, blank, but did not cry.

People's obsessions can't be cut off as soon as they want to. You can swear to forget it to your heart's content, but afterwards you can only condemn yourself for incompetence and backtracking in vain.

When Luo Zhi spread out the diary again and carefully wrote down, she found that it was too tiring to pretend to be free and easy.It is very important to be honest with herself, otherwise, she will only be more lonely.

Just like she once stubbornly told Jiang Baili "don't be a passerby in other people's stories", she implemented this point in her diary.Ye Zhanyan seemed to be mentioned only once in the three-year diary—that rainy day, the pink and green raincoats, and the little frog he was wearing were her father’s unfulfilled promises, how ironic.All kinds of emotions are intertwined, Luo Zhi expressed her deep envy for their happiness in the diary for the first time!In this kind of envy, there is an infinite sense of exhaustion for one's own life.

This is the only time.Luo Zhi leaned her head against the cold glass, glanced at her blurred shadow from the corner of her eyes, and smiled self-deprecatingly.

That diary is full of him eating with three chopsticks, the shredded Mekong River that he didn’t receive, several fixed collocations of his clothes, and the washing powder she smelled when he squeezed past her in the senior three P college admissions meeting And the smell of fabric softener, and what time does he wear when he appears at the corner near the school every morning, he always holds a schoolbag in his left hand and hangs a white earphone... Even if it is repeated, she can still write differently.

One content, one name, one perspective.

That's how she spent her three years.

Sometimes the pure description becomes boring, then she will pray and make a wish in the diary, for her achievements, her future, and his.

For example, when he went to take the recommended admission test, she wrote very girlishly in her diary:

You just have to play as before and you'll be fine, right?And you're never nervous, I know it.

Another example is when he inexplicably fell out of the top three in the first monthly exam of the third year of high school. She laughed at him for a long time in the diary, and finally concluded lightly:
Being ridiculed and gloating so well by everyone is actually because you are so powerful that we are convinced.

She gained a lot of color from him, but he never lost anything because of her request, but got a lot of understanding and blessings.

It's just a pity for that diary.

Before the college entrance examination, the school is completely closed to let senior high school students go home to prepare for the exam.On the last day of war and chaos, everyone needs to take a lot of things home together.When Luo Zhi squeezed the bus with big and small bags, she suddenly wanted to ask Sheng Huainan if he had ever tried this feeling.

When she got home and checked her things, she found that her diary was missing along with a large stack of papers and a copy of "Huanggang Question Bank".

Luo Zhi panicked, remembering that she threw a large plastic bag of waste papers and homework exercise books into the trash can at the back door of the class, tidying up in such a hurry, did she bring the diary with her? ?

Luo Zhi's heart thumped, she stepped over several bags of review materials on the ground, rushed out of the house, raised her hand to hail a taxi on the main road, and said in her most imposing voice: "Zhenhua Middle School, please hurry up! "

However, when she rushed to the door of the class, she only saw Zhang Min locking the door.

"Zhang Min, that, that garbage dump...has it all been thrown away?"

Zhang Min looked at her blankly: "Yes."

Luo Zhi opened her mouth several times but ended up coughing: "Well, cough cough..."

"Don't worry," Zhang Min thought for a while with his mouth open, "The director said that there is a lot of garbage today, and told us not to pile it in the big trash can in the toilet. The classmates who just cleaned up carried all the garbage to the garbage station in the back playground. Yes. All the trash from the class seems to be there, all papers and calculus papers, it’s spectacular!"

After hearing this, Luo Zhi didn't catch her breath, and ran towards the back playground without saying a word.

The sky has turned dark blue, and the light is getting dimmer.She had to hold the paper close to her to see what was written on it.Luo Zhi stood in front of the garbage mountain, searching desperately.Although most of them are waste paper and old books, she accidentally caught dirty things a few times: half a bottle of Nutrition Express with no lid left, sticky banana peels... She held back her nausea, opened all the pockets, Use the information in it to judge whether it is the garbage of your class.

"Hey, Luo Zhi, it's here!"

Zhang Min didn't know when she followed, pointing to a big black plastic bag and waving at her.

Luo Zhi ran over, and the two of them pushed down the garbage bag completely together.Zhang Min accompanied her to turn the pages together without any distaste, and suddenly smiled embarrassingly in the middle: "By the way, Luo Zhi, what are you looking for?"

Luo Zhi has searched through all three bags, and there is not even a shadow of the diary.She raised her head and asked anxiously, "Are there just these three bags? Are there any more?"

Zhang Min tried hard to think about it: "I'm not in charge of garbage collection, I remember more than three bags, but I only found these."

Luo Zhi sat down gently, the nutrition express thread on her hand had dried out, it was sticky and sticky, and it was stained with ink again, turning black.She spread her hands in front of her face, facing the huge mountain of garbage, and smiled bitterly, pulling the corners of her mouth.

"Zhang Min, thank you. I won't look for it anymore."

She told herself, forget it if you can't find it, and throw it away if it's a burden.The college entrance examination is about to come, and she still has to work hard to get into his university. It's just a diary, and it's not a real person, so why cry.

Yes, why are you crying.She was sitting on the ground, her tears didn't seem to close the gate properly, and when her nose wasn't sore and her heart didn't hurt, it seemed that there was no warning of cold sweat coming out of her eyes.

She always felt that that diary was the key to go back.And now she can't go back.

The scrolls and calculation papers flying all over the place, some signed, some not, all kinds of handwriting were abandoned here by the masters, buried her diary, and buried her three years of youth that kept pace.They will be taken away tomorrow, and they will rot and ferment together with the nutrition express, banana peels and bread that has been bitten into a pile of stench.

She lay in Zhang Min's arms and cried loudly, but Zhang Min didn't ask anything, opened her chest that smelled sour and sweaty, hugged Luo Zhi, and patted her on the back lightly.

In this way, Luo Zhi abandoned her youth in the back playground, slowly decaying.

In a trance along the way, she finally reached the end, the empty top floor.

Back then she sat here and memorized New Concept 4.

Luo Zhi found that the walls were all freshly painted.The corners and corners were all cleaned up, so naturally I couldn't find that sentence.

After the graduation ceremony, she came here alone, and wrote earnestly in the corner with a ballpoint pen——

"Luo Zhi loves Sheng Huainan, no one knows."

(End of this chapter)