amazing stories

Chapter 24 Ashes of Shadows (2)

Many years later, I still clearly remember the expression on Cheng Yu's face at that time.I thought, maybe he was imagining that the organ on that coloring page belonged to that girl, however, Cheng Yu could no longer witness the true appearance of that mysterious area.As I think about it, I'm sitting in a nursing home, staring at the round buttocks of the middle-aged caregiver, who is swearing and cleaning up the feces that my father has pulled down her pants.My father was unashamedly showing his penis and skinny legs while grinning with a wide open mouth.

In fact, such a father makes me feel more cordial.In my impression, the word "father" just means the "squeak" door in the middle of the night, the neat uniforms in the closet, and the lingering faint smell of cigarettes in the living room.He seems to have been drifting away from my life, stubbornly turning himself into a part of the huge state machine.When the fully "machined" him began to age, wear out, and eventually be scrapped, my concept of my father gradually became clearer.He came back to me and re-entered my life 35 years after he created me.

This is a nursing home named "Sunset", located in the suburbs.In this small three-story building, there is an atmosphere of aging and decay everywhere, just like the name.I stood in the hallway, lighting a cigarette, looking at the mottled walls and cracked wooden door frames.From time to time, old people shambled past in the corridors, all wearing strange uniforms that resembled hospital gowns.Their eyes were dull and indifferent, and they seemed to hold inexplicable hostility towards me.I know that I am out of place here, even a bit of an eyesore, and I don't like to be surrounded by this dying atmosphere.Just as I was about to stub out my cigarette and leave, I heard someone calling my name.

It was Su Ya, and next to her was Su Kai who was carrying a bag.

Su Ya's expression was rather surprised: "Why are you here?"

I turned my mouth to the next room and said, "My father lives here."

"Oh." Su Ya turned her head and said softly to Su Kai, "You go first, I'll go and see Jiang Ya's father."

Su Kai looked at me, lowered his head, and walked past me without saying a word.

My father lay quietly on the bed, staring out the window, seemingly oblivious to our presence.Whenever he is full of food and drink, and cleans up his bowels and bowels, he looks indifferent to the world.

Su Ya walked to the bed, leaned down, and said softly, "Hello, Uncle Jiang."

My father turned his head slowly, his slack eyes widening slightly.He looked at Su Ya seriously, looked up and down, and sighed softly.

Immediately afterwards, he blurted out two words, turned his head away, and looked out the window.

"What did he say?" Su Ya asked me carefully in a low voice.

"I don't know." I shrugged, "It doesn't matter anyway."

I pointed to my head: "He's not clear here anymore."

Su Ya let out an "oh", and seemed to be filled with infinite emotion.

"I still remember Uncle Jiang's appearance back then, he was so heroic."

I smiled, noncommittal.I have never seen my father in court, and it is impossible to verify whether he was ever a hero.He is just a symbol or a symbol in my life, and the old man in front of me is obviously much more fun than the father in my memory.

Thinking of this, I suddenly realized a problem.

"Why are you here?"

As far as I know, after that incident happened, Su Ya's father died of alcohol poisoning due to long-term alcoholism, and her mother also passed away not long ago-who did she come here to visit?
"Oh, Cheng Yu's mother also lives here." Su Ya looked at me, hesitated to speak, "Me and Su Kai...you know."

I lowered my eyes and nodded, but didn't know how to continue.

At this moment, the door was pushed open.

Su Kai walked in, went straight to the bed, nodded to me first, and then said to Su Ya: "She has to take a bath."

This is the first time in 20 years that I heard Su Kai's voice, vague and hoarse.I know, it's from that broken vocal cord.

Su Ya gave a "hmm", then smiled at me apologetically, turned and walked out of the room.

Su Kai turned his head to me, and I tried my best to keep my eyes from slipping from that horrible face, and barely looked at him.

After a long time, a few wrinkles appeared in the pile of orange peels - I thought he was smiling at me.

"How long have you been back?"

"A month."

"How about it?"

"not bad."

"Are you still going?"

"No." I turned and pointed to my father on the hospital bed, taking the opportunity to let out a breath quietly, "I have to take care of my father."

At this time, I found that my father had turned his head and was staring at Su Kai intently.His face was no longer the usual silly expression, but his brows were tightly furrowed, his eyes were piercing, and his nostrils fluttered rapidly, as if he saw something familiar and frightening.

I was surprised and understood right away.

"I'm sorry, Su Kai." I tried my best to stand between him and my father, "My father..."

Before the words were finished, my father jumped up from the bed like a leopard and reached out to catch Su Kai.However, he only did half of this action and exhausted all his strength, so he could only collapse on the side of the bed, with a skinny hand relentlessly grasping.

"I know, I know." Su Kai took a few steps back, the wrinkles in the orange peel deepened, "Hehe, I scared him, I'm sorry."

After that, he waved at me, turned and walked out the door.

Su Kai used to be the most handsome and smartest boy in our area. Although he was two grades younger than me, he was almost as tall and strong as Cheng Yu, the sports committee member in the class.It's just that he often uses these advantages to bully his half-sister, so I have always hated him.The strange thing is that Su Ya never complained. Whenever she came to school with bruises on her face, her expression was still calm and calm.The grown-ups understood this very well. They said that a widow with a two-year-old daughter can find someone who is willing to raise them, which is already very good.However, this did not alleviate my dislike of Su Kai in the slightest.As my friend, Sung Woo felt the same way as I did, even more strongly.

Once, on the way home from school, Cheng Yu and I saw Su Kai waving a tree branch, hitting Su Ya, who was carrying two schoolbags, constantly shouting "Drive...drive! "...Cheng Yu became angry at that time, rolled up his sleeves and was about to go up and beat Su Kai.But when he rushed in front of them, Cheng Yu lowered his fist and walked back with his head down.I asked him why he didn't do it, but Cheng Yu refused to say.A few days later, he told me that he saw Su Ya's eyes.That look clearly said, no.

From that day on, I believe that human eyes can speak.So, 20 years later, I know that Su Ya must have read my eyes.And I also read her.

The father's restlessness attracted the middle-aged female nurse.Under her intimidation and comfort, my father finally recovered his calm.She wondered why her father, who was always honest and docile, suddenly became so irritable.In fact, I also wondered that during my father's long law enforcement career, he had already seen all kinds of crimes, so he wouldn't be so frightened by a broken face.Among the criminal files of the condemned prisoners he had reviewed, any picture of the scene was more terrifying than that face.

At this moment, I found that I really didn't understand my father, just as he didn't understand me.

Before he got sick, he never understood why I didn't choose to study law and become a judge as glorious as him.What he didn't even understand was why I insisted on changing schools when I was 15 years old, and even forced me to go on a hunger strike.

The next afternoon, I suddenly received a call from Su Ya, asking if I could accompany her to visit her mother's grave.I hesitated, but I agreed to her, because I also want to go to that place.

When I saw Su Ya, I was a little surprised.After returning to City C, I met Su Ya twice, and every time Su Kai was by her side.I went to worship their mother today, but only Su Ya was waiting for me.

Su Ya put on light makeup today, and the sorrow between her brows disappeared.She hopped briskly into the car and patted me on the shoulder.

"set off!"

The weather was cloudy, but Su Ya was in high spirits and kept talking to me.I originally thought that I should behave solemnly and solemnly, but I couldn't help being infected by her, and my emotions gradually rose.

During the years I have been away from home, City C has changed a lot.The car drove through those brand-new streets and alleys, and I couldn't feel the taste of my hometown at all.Fortunately, Su Ya pointed out to me those old things that still exist, so that I can still vaguely recall the past bits and pieces.

The pork pie at Xinggong Hotel, the ice cream at Chongqing Road, the roller skating rink at Shengli Park, the comic book store at Cultural Square...

And the youth that ended abruptly 20 years ago.

Xinglong Cemetery is the only cemetery in C City.The "only" advantage is that we are neighbors in life, and we can still watch each other after death.Compared with the urban area, this place is still extremely crowded, but it is much quieter.

Su Ya quickly found her mother's tombstone, and carefully cleaned the surroundings. I wanted to help, but she silently refused.I could only stand there with nothing to do, looking up and down at the last habitat of that miserable woman.The posthumous photos of her were probably taken not long before her death, her face was withered and haggard, and the sorrow on her face was more severe than that of 20 years ago.It's no wonder that she lost her husband when she was young, suffered disfigurement from her parents and children in middle age, and her husband died of alcoholism.I'm afraid she was still lamenting her ill-fated fate the moment before she passed away.

Su Ya finished cleaning the cemetery, took out the offerings and arranged them one by one, and then began to burn paper money in front of the tombstone.Her face was quiet and peaceful, and there was not much sadness to be seen.As the stacks of paper money turned into black ashes, she was also whispering something, presumably, it should be a daughter's longing and confession to her mother.I felt that I had completely become an outsider. After thinking about it, I picked up the broom I brought, turned and left.

The cemetery is not big, and the tombstones are densely packed, so I found his not far away.In the past 20 years, the only thing that has not changed is him.To my surprise, the cemetery was cleaned very clean, far from the long-term desolation and dilapidation I imagined.I looked up at Su Ya, who was still nestling in front of her mother's tombstone, looking into the distance in a daze.I lowered my head and stared at the several-inch-square photo on the top of the tombstone for a long time.That unbridled smiling face has unfolded to me without hesitation in countless sunny afternoons.At this moment, it can only be frozen on that cold stone tablet forever.However, I envy him very much. It is much better to die in youth than to struggle until death in the vortex of memory like me.

That day, he must have been in pain and scared, but I don't know if he thought of me.

Cheng Yu, forgive me.

There were light footsteps behind me, I didn't turn my head, I just felt a soft body approaching.

We stood side by side like this, silently watching Cheng Yu's tombstone.After a long time, Su Ya sighed softly.

"At that time, he was really handsome."

After that, she tugged at the corner of my clothes: "It's time to go."

The weather in early spring is as capricious as a child's face, and before you know it, the cloudy sky has cleared up.In the brighter daylight, the green leaves are greener, the flowers are redder, and the crowded tombstones no longer look gray.Su Ya was in front, and I was behind, walking through the increasingly lively cemetery.The sun cast my figure forward, covering Su Ya's body.I can't help picking up the pace, trying to cover as much as possible.

Suddenly, Su Ya stopped, and then turned around.

"Why?" The smile in her eyes sparkled, "Are you still like this after all these years?"

Cheng Yu looked at the collapsed bookshelves and books scattered all over the floor in surprise, and said with a smile, "You're fucking rebelling!"

I didn't speak, and stood watching him frantically repairing the bookshelf. After half a minute, I squatted down and picked up the books one by one.

Cheng Yu, my friend.I think, I know your secret, but you don't know mine.

My seat is next to a south-facing window, which is very sunny in summer, and I have to endure the cold wind coming in through the window cracks in winter.Cheng Yu once suggested that I go to the back row and play backgammon secretly with him, but I refused because I could enjoy the scenery by the window.In fact, from that window, I can only see the bare playground and the dark and low buildings. The reason why I like this seat is that on sunny days, the sunlight can cast my shadow obliquely in front.

That was another me, tall, slender, and mysterious with an indistinct face.Most importantly, "he" could touch the girl with the ponytail who was sitting across the row from me.

In the first class, "he" can touch the girl head to head, rubbing ears, and if he is lucky, he can kiss the girl's face lightly; in the second class, "he" can rest on the girl's back for a while, adjust In the sitting posture, you can still smell the fragrance of the girl's hair; in the third class, "he" has fallen far behind, but he can still gently stroke the girl's back and braids when he stretches out his "hand"; Near noon, the day was over, and "he" was just like me, huddled limply in a corner, short, depressed, and hopeless.

20 years ago, I hated all the days without sunshine.

"Actually, I know all about it."

Su Ya and I were sitting in a restaurant. She drank some wine, her face was flushed, her right hand rested on her chin, and her eyes were blurred.

"Don't underestimate a woman's intuition." She chuckled, "I know what you're doing without turning around."

I can't meet her eyes, even today when I think I have matured after experiencing many people and things.I had to light a cigarette, trying to make each other appear more hazy.

The rising smoke is like those ungraspable past.She and I stared at each other 20 years apart.Not much dialogue.The memories we have together are too short, not to mention, a considerable part of it is unwilling to touch.

"At that time, I didn't believe that anyone would love me." Su Ya turned the glass in her hand, and the ice cubes in the beer jingled, "I was so gray, like a rag. Apart from living carefully, I can't expect anything else gone."

I looked out of the window, and a face full of lines was reflected on the glass window. I suddenly couldn't remember what I looked like 20 years ago.But at this moment, the night is engulfing the earth little by little, and there is no shadow to accompany me.

"I always feel cold, as if there is a big piece of ice in my body. No matter how much I eat or wear more clothes." Su Ya continued on her own, "Until one day, I Suddenly I felt very itchy, numb, and warm, I turned my head and found your shadow touching me..."

She laughed silently: "...and your shadow ran away quickly—why didn't you confess to me at that time?"

I didn't look back, and I didn't answer.

"Since that day, I have been looking forward to your shadow. It makes me feel needed, makes me feel that there is a place to hide. Most importantly, it makes me feel very warm..."

Su Ya suddenly grabbed my hand and gently pressed it against her cheek.

"...as it is now."

Cheng Yu became more and more unscrupulous.Not only did he often go to Su Ya to talk nonsense between classes, but he also brought Su Ya some apples or candies in front of other students.Su Ya seldom responded, and she remained calm even amidst the malicious laughter of her classmates.As for those small gifts, they were either enjoyed by Su Kai, or slowly shrank and melted on the desk.Yet I know that what should happen will happen.One day at noon, I saw Cheng Yu and Su Ya talking by the warehouse. He crossed his legs and held on to the wooden wall of the warehouse with an excited expression on his face that I had never seen before.Su Ya lowered her head, fiddling with the buckle on the schoolbag, and occasionally raised her head, with something soft but constantly involved in her eyes.

That day, I went home alone.As usual, I climbed into the attic and dug out the eighth volume of Criminal Case Studies.I distinctly remember starting at page 19, because when I closed the book, it was still page 19.It was almost dusk, and the setting sun cast my shadow on the wall.I tried to stretch my fingers to make various shapes on the wall.Meanwhile, a cockroach crawled across the wall, and I kept that shadow over it.It seemed panicked at first, but soon found that the shadow couldn't stop it at all.Finally, it ran away calmly and disappeared before the gap in the corner of the wall, not forgetting to wave its two tentacles to demonstrate to me.

A shadow is a shadow, and it can do nothing, not even destroy a nasty bug.

That evening, I masturbated to the setting sun for the first time.The semen sprayed on the floor was dyed pale blood by the afterglow of the setting sun, as if there was a deep wound in my body.

Since that day, I have never played a game of shadows again.

The human body is a wonderful thing, its toughness and endurance are often beyond our imagination.Like my father, everyone thought his time was numbered, but despite the general decline of his intellect, his other organs still seemed to be struggling.Sometimes I could even hear the gears and bearings creaking, yet he was alive, hungry and heartless.

I kept in touch with Suya so often that the middle-aged nurse thought we were in a relationship.Every time I wipe my father's body, I have to babble a few nonsense such as don't worry, your son is going to have a family.My father listened with half understanding, but never looked at me, as if it was something completely unrelated to me.

In fact, I don't know what the relationship between Suya and I is, but I don't reject contacting her, although every date makes my feelings quite complicated.She likes to listen to my stories after the age of 15, but she rarely mentions her life in these years. I only know that she has never left City C.I can understand her hardships. After her stepfather passed away, she had to take care of her mother and disabled younger brother. Su Ya was the pillar of the family.

"You don't know..." Su Ya lowered her eyes, rubbing her wrinkled and wrinkled hands, "... how much I want to leave here and run far away."

This sentence made us fall into a long silence, because there is an unavoidable name here-Cheng Yu.

(End of this chapter)