Self-control: How to take control of your time and life?

Chapter 20 Where Does Stress Come From (1)
Truth: the world we live in

The first problem we face is survival.To survive, there must be competition; as long as there is competition, there must be pressure.Therefore, at the beginning of this course, the first sentence I said to the students was: "As long as you choose to live instead of die, you are destined to bear all kinds of pressure brought by survival." What is the truth?A student Essen complained to me: "I can't afford a house, my monthly salary is only two thousand dollars, and I can't even afford a medium-sized private car. I am full of envy when I see rich people getting drunk. I work hard and hardly have any rest. Time. Sometimes I think, I’m going to break down, what am I going to do? I’m sure there’s something wrong with my mentality.”

Essen works in a supermarket, a poorly paid job.He faces tremendous pressure every day, running around to survive, and fighting with his colleagues.Essen's urge to rob banks or deal drugs was dangerous at times.In my opinion, this is exactly what a person cannot explain the inevitable phenomenon of stress: in order to meet the needs of competition, in order to divert the pressure, people will inevitably take out of control actions in their lives, so that the self-control system in the body Fall apart.

Don't the rich have stress?Cadet Richard said: "I have to tell lies every day, which makes me sometimes confused: What is wrong with this world? The life I want is definitely not like this. It runs counter to the dreams I made in college. I don't want to I live a hypocritical and selfish life, but I can’t do anything about it, because if I don’t, I won’t be able to maintain my current quality of life.” Richard is the head of a financial institution, and his work is wonderful, but there is only one thing to sum it up : Use your rich deception experience to defraud customers of their money.He often racks his brains on how to deceive customers next time, and then hand over the defrauded money to the company.All financial institutions in the world (including securities companies and banks) can roughly be summarized as a similar workflow.Richard has reaped huge rewards from it. He lives in a big villa, drives a luxury car, has two months of paid vacation every year, and travels overseas with his family.But he was not happy, and his stress was inexplicable.Therefore, he found that his emotions were unhealthy, and he had a problem of declining self-control.

He said: "The symptom is that I got angry with my boss last week and dropped a file folder on the ground. The boss was not angry with me. He picked up the folder and slowly handed it back to me. Then he looked at me helplessly, shrugged, and said nothing. Didn’t he face similar problems to me? I think so! We are all slaves to stress.”

Yes, this is the world, a confined space of stress from which you cannot escape and can never be its master.But you can definitely be your own master!When you know the truth of the world and are ready to suffer from stress, what preparations should you make?

1. Recognize the inevitability of stress.In this highly competitive modern society, if you naively expect yourself to be in a utopian environment, that is daydreaming.That's the reality, and we just have to face it.You can't escape it, and you can't ignore it.Only by acknowledging the reality and accepting the reality can you have the opportunity to integrate into the reality and release the pressure.

2. Recognize the need for stress.Not too much pressure, but not without a little pressure.If there is no pressure, the human heart will become empty, and the inert side will start to expand.This is also a precursor to loss of control.Necessary stress can act as a catalyst to unleash potential and allow us to approach our lives in a positive manner.

3. You must identify your major stressors.The manifestations of stress are similar. For example, Essen and Richard are completely different. The former is extroverted (he is almost going to rob the bank), while the latter is introverted (he uses the way of getting angry to oppress Own).However, each person's top stressors are different.To reduce stress, you need to find your main source of stress.Only by finding the most important and critical factors that cause stress, and then solving it, can the excessive pressure in the heart be relieved.If your stress is always in the water without a source, and you don't know where it comes from and why it formed, the problem will become more and more serious, because you don't know how to cut off its root cause, and any attempt to solve it will only treat the symptoms and not the root cause , How can it be effective?

4. Improve your work ability and adjust your values.Stress is often about our abilities, which in turn are about our values.Essen's situation fell into the former category, and Richard's clearly the latter.For the former, the more capable a person is, the less pressure he will feel, and vice versa.For example, driving a car, a person who can drive a car thinks that reversing is a trivial matter.But the non-driver thinks otherwise. He is so confused about how to start the car, let alone reverse the car into the garage flexibly.Therefore, Essen needs to improve his earning power to release the pressure caused by lack of money.

Where is Richard?When real life and values ​​collide, this pressure is often more dangerous than the former.In many cases, the pressure comes not only from our unfamiliarity with the things themselves, but more importantly, our disapproval of some things and some phenomena.People experience extreme pain when their lives and the world they see violate their inner values ​​(this is often the case for those who end their lives by suicide).At this time, you have only two choices: either integrate into reality and change your values; or leave reality and find a life that is consistent with your values.So my suggestion to Richard is the latter: "If you are convinced that you cannot tolerate your current job, quit immediately and find another career that meets your requirements." Richard has such capital, even if he is unemployed and stays at home Yes, the bank deposit can also make him worry-free for the rest of his life, so he can completely give up the source of stress and truly control his future.

5. Good at transmitting pressure to the outside body.

Don't take the pressure on yourself, no one is a "hero" who can do everything, and this is not a role model to follow.You have to learn to break down the pressure and pass it on to your team or other people.Believe me, this is by no means an excuse. Maybe someone else is trying to help you and share your stress.In short, don't think you're the only one who can do this job well and take on this job.

6. Be your own master and manage stress.You can't manage stress, you are your own master.You have to arrange the time to do things, not let things fill up your time.If you arrange the time to do things, you are the initiative of the work, and everything will be dominated and controlled by you. You may be very busy and time is tight, but you will not feel particularly tired, nor will you feel such a big pressure pressure.Only by being your own master can you enjoy the fun from being busy.If things occupy your time and you become a slave to stress, you have only one result: you are exhausted in the busyness, and great pressure fills your heart.

stop before the limit

You must not think that only you are the most stressed person in the world. This is also the common mentality of human beings.A mistake people often make is to regard their own pain as the greatest pain in the world, and their own misfortune as the greatest misfortune.

"Is there anyone more unlucky than me? Of course not!" You will sigh in self-pity.This is self-abandonment under pressure.

Others say: "I have high goals, no one can match me; I am pushing the limit, but others are mediocre." This is self-pressurization.

We must have stress and troubles, but everyone in the world has these. There are countless people who have more stress and troubles than you. Plummeted and jumped off the building.At this time, will you still lament that you are underappreciated and sympathize with your experience like yesterday?If you can think this way, you will suddenly feel a burst of relief in your heart.

Don't go after perfection.Perfection is just an ideal state. We can only approach the limit state, but it is impossible to achieve it.For example, at work or in your career, if you always demand a perfect state, you will inevitably face overloaded pressure.You always feel that you are still a little bit worse: "I have to work harder, otherwise I won't be able to satisfy myself at all." In this way, you are under tremendous pressure, and you can't make yourself happy!

As the former president of the United States, Roosevelt frankly admitted to the public that if his decision-making rate can reach 75% correct, he has reached the highest standard he expected.This shows that Roosevelt has a calm and peaceful attitude towards work, and he does not demand that he must do his best.If a great president is like this, why should you pursue the highest realm that is difficult for others to surpass?
Whenever people complete a job, they are used to summarizing and reflecting on their shortcomings.This is of course a good thing and should be encouraged, but you should not blame yourself for a little regret.The lessons of work can be learned, but the pressure needs to be released in time.When you fall into the vicious circle of self-blame due to excessive pursuit of perfection, you must not have much energy and a good attitude to improve your work, and this will have a negative impact on your self-control system.

I said to Miss Zhu from Shanghai: "As long as you arrive at your destination on time, few people care whether you drive a Rolls-Royce or a walking tractor."

Ms. Zhu is an excellent lady. She is good at hosting, acting, singing, dancing, etc. She was once known as the "Girl with Thousand Faces" in China.She won the talent TV competition at the age of 23, and then became a channel host of a TV station.She was very excited and wrote in her diary: "I see my dream is ahead, and I want to be the best host in the country."

For this reason, she worked day and night, and for quite a long period of time (at least half a year), she slept only three hours a day (sometimes all night).The overload of work pressure finally induced affective psychosis, and Ms. Zhu was sent to the hospital.While in hospital, he also kicked a colleague who came to visit and almost pushed another hostess from the window on the 16th floor.

Ms. Zhu's parents brought her to the United States after hearing about our self-control courses.We arranged a bedroom for her, let her live in the training center, and treated her for two hours every day.There are only four words at the core of the whole treatment, and we need to input this new command into her brain: give up quickly!
1. Give up the fruit you shouldn't eat "Pick up the apple on the table, do you want to eat it?" I asked.

Ms. Zhu replied: "I want to eat, I'm a bit thirsty." I said: "You just ate a banana half an hour ago. Now you can throw it away, and then we will have dinner together when it's time for dinner." Ms. Zhu He hesitated, took a bite, and put it back on the plate on the table.On the second day, she had a relapse. When the training consultant asked her to put the fruit back, she lost control and suddenly rushed up to fight him.But on the third day, she calmed down, and when the same request was made, she threw the apple back without hesitation.

What does it mean to give up fruits that should not be eaten?Her subconscious will tell herself in this process: "I have been satisfied, and I don't need extra fruits anymore. It doesn't make any sense for me to possess them. It's better to ignore them." Fruits represent temptation, and Ms. Zhu's stomach has reached its limit (Just finished eating fruit as planned half an hour ago).Repeated training will improve the working patterns of her subconscious mind, so that she has the ability to resist unnecessary temptation.

2. Questions and answers about gains and losses: Possession does not necessarily bring happiness. We must learn to give up and give up to get.This is the order we instilled in Ms. Zhu in further treatment to awaken her inner contentment and peace of mind.We have provided four questions for Ms. Zhu to conduct question-and-answer exercises:
The first question: "In the past few years, have I gained more or lost more?" Ms. Zhu replied: "I lost more."

The second question: "What do I gain?" Ms. Zhu replied: "All I got was pain, and the pressure made me suffer every moment." The third question: "What did I lose?" Ms. Zhu Answer: "I lost everything, family, love, friendship, self, all lost." The fourth question: "In the future life, what should I give up?" Miss Zhu replied: "Give up my career, I will give up I hope to start my own life again.” Obviously, the culprit causing her current predicament is her inner pursuit of “possession”.In life, most people think this way. People are thinking about how to "own" more, such as face, money, status, power, trust, knowledge, experience, ability, education, and interpersonal relationships.These seem to be indispensable, and everything must be done to the best.

People try to pursue the limit in vain, stimulate all potentials, occupy more material, and gain a greater sense of accomplishment.What happens in the end?The more you want to have, the greater the psychological burden and the heavier the pressure.If the ability to withstand stress is not strong enough, sooner or later one will collapse, just like Miss Zhu.

We must have some that are most important and necessary to ourselves, and we must give up some that are not so important and not so necessary to ourselves.Only by adhering to this principle can we travel lightly and establish a stress release mechanism-eliminating those secondary goals on a regular basis.

"I'm fine like this"

(End of this chapter)