Jane Eyre

Chapter 105

I knew there would be pleasure in meeting my master again， even though broken by the fear that he was so soon to cease to be my master， and by the knowledge that I was nothing to him： but there was ever in Mr. Rochester (so at least I thought) such a wealth of the power of communicating happiness， that to taste but of the crumbs he scattered to stray and stranger birds like me， was to feast genially. His last words were balm： they seemed to imply that it imported something to him whether I forgot him or not. And he had spoken of Thornfield as my home—would that it were my home！

He did not leave the stile， and I hardly liked to ask to go by. I inquired soon if he had not been to London.
“Yes； I suppose you found that out by second-sight.”

“Mrs. Fairfax told me in a letter.”

“And did she inform you what I went to do？”

“Oh， yes， sir！ Everybody knew your errand.”

“You must see the carriage， Jane， and tell me if you don’t think it will suit Mrs. Rochester exactly； and whether she won’t look like Queen Boadicea， leaning back against those purple cushions. I wish， Jane， I were a trifle better adapted to match with her externally. Tell me now， fairy as you are—can’t you give me a charm， or a philter， or something of that sort， to make me a handsome man？”

“It would be past the power of magic， sir；” and， in thought， I added， “A loving eye is all the charm needed： to such you are handsome enough； or rather your sternness has a power beyond beauty.”

Mr. Rochester had sometimes read my unspoken thoughts with an acumen to me incomprehensible： in the present instance he took no notice of my abrupt vocal response； but he smiled at me with a certain smile he had of his own， and which he used but on rare occasions. He seemed to think it too good for common purposes： it was the real sunshine of feeling—he shed it over me now.
“Pass， Janet，” said he， making room for me to cross the stile：“go up home， and stay your weary little wandering feet at a friend’s threshold.”

All I had now to do was to obey him in silence： no need for me to colloquise further. I got over the stile without a word， and meant to leave him calmly. An impulse held me fast—a force turned me round. I said—or something in me said for me， and in spite of me—

“Thank you， Mr. Rochester， for your great kindness. I am strangely glad to get back again to you： and wherever you are is my home—my only home.”

I walked on so fast that even he could hardly have overtaken me had he tried. Little Adèle was half wild with delight when she saw me. Mrs. Fairfax received me with her usual plain friendliness. Leah smiled， and even Sophie bid me “bon soir” with glee. This was very pleasant； there is no happiness like that of being loved by your fellow-creatures， and feeling that your presence is an addition to their comfort.
I that evening shut my eyes resolutely against the future： I stopped my cars against the voice that kept warning me of near separation and coming grief. When tea was over and Mrs. Fairfax had taken her knitting， and I had assumed a low seat near her， and Adèle， kneeling on the carpet， had nestled close up to me， and a sense of mutual affection seemed to surround us with a ring of golden peace， I uttered a silent prayer that we might not be parted far or soon； but when， as we thus sat， Mr. Rochester entered， unannounced， and looking at us， seemed to take pleasure in the spectacle of a group so amicable—when he said he supposed the old lady was all right now that she had got her adopted daughter back again， and added that he saw Adèle was “prête à croquer sa petite maman Anglaise”—I half ventured to hope that he would， even after his marriage， keep us together somewhere under the shelter of his protection， and not quite exiled from the sunshine of his presence.
A fortnight of dubious calm succeeded my return to Thornfield Hall. Nothing was said of the master’s marriage， and I saw no preparation going on for such an event. Almost every day I asked Mrs. Fairfax if she had yet heard anything decided： her answer was always in the negative. Once she said she had actually put the question to Mr. Rochester as to when he was going to bring his bride home； but he had answered her only by a joke and one of his queer looks， and she could not tell what to make of him.
One thing specially surprised me， and that was， there were no journeyings backward and forward， no visits to Ingram Park： to be sure it was twenty miles off， on the borders of another county； but what was that distance to an ardent lover？ To so practised and indefatigable a horseman as Mr. Rochester， it would be but a morning’s ride. I began to cherish hopes I had no right to conceive： that the match was broken off； that rumour had been mistaken； that one or both parties had changed their minds. I used to look at my master’s face to see if it were sad or fierce； but I could not remember the time when it had been so uniformly clear of clouds or evil feelings. If， in the moments I and my pupil spent with him， I lacked spirits and sank into inevitable dejection， he became even gay. Never had he called me more frequently to his presence； never been kinder to me when there—and， alas！ never had I loved him so well.
(End of this chapter)