Jane Eyre

Chapter 69

“A very rich and powerful one： she sang delightfully； it was a treat to listen to her；—and she played afterwards. I am no judge of music， but Mr. Rochester is； and I heard him say her execution was remarkably good.”

“And this beautiful and accomplished lady， she is not yet married？”

“It appears not： I fancy neither she nor her sister have very large fortunes. Old Lord Ingram’s estates were chiefly entailed， and the eldest son came in for everything almost.”

“But I wonder no wealthy nobleman or gentleman has taken a fancy to her： Mr. Rochester， for instance. He is rich， is he not？”

“Oh！ yes. But you see there is a considerable difference in age：Mr. Rochester is nearly forty； she is but twenty-five.”

“What of that？ More unequal matches are made every day.”

“True： yet I should scarcely fancy Mr. Rochester would entertain an idea of the sort. But you eat nothing： you have scarcely tasted since you began tea.”

“No： I am too thirsty to eat. Will you let me have another cup？”

I was about again to revert to the probability of a unionbetween Mr. Rochester and the beautiful Blanche； but Adèle came in， and the conversation was turned into another channel.
When once more alone， I reviewed the information I had got；looked into my heart， examined its thoughts and feelings， and endeavoured to bring back with a strict hand such as had been straying through imagination’s boundless and trackless waste， into the safe fold of common sense.
Arraigned at my own bar， Memory having given her evidence of the hopes， wishes， sentiments I had been cherishing since last night—of the general state of mind in which I had indulged for nearly a fortnight past； Reason having come forward and told， in her own quiet way a plain， unvarnished tale， showing how I had rejected the real， and rabidly devoured the ideal；—I pronounced judgment to this effect：—

That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life； that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies， and swallowed poison as if it were nectar.
“You，” I said， “a favourite with Mr. Rochester？ You gifted with the power of pleasing him？ You of importance to him in any way？ Go！ your folly sickens me. And you have derived pleasure from occasional tokens of preference—equivocal tokens shown by a gentleman of family and a man of the world to a dependent and a novice. How dared you？ Poor stupid dupe！—Could not even self-interest make you wiser？ You repeated to yourself this morning the brief scene of last night？—Cover your face and be ashamed！ He said something in praise of your eyes， did he？ Blind puppy！ Open their bleared lids and look on your own accursed senselessness！ It does good to no woman to be flattered by her superior， who cannot possibly intend to marry her； and it is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them， which， if unreturned and unknown， must devour the life that feeds it； and， if discovered and responded to， must lead， ignis-fatuus-like， into miry wilds whence there is no extrication.
“Listen， then， Jane Eyre， to your sentence： tomorrow， place the glass before you， and draw in chalk your own picture， faithfully， without softening one defect； omit no harsh line， smooth away no displeasing irregularity； write under it， ‘Portrait of a Governess， disconnected， poor， and plain.’

“Afterwards， take a piece of smooth ivory—you have one prepared in your drawing-box： take your palette， mix your freshest， finest， clearest tints； choose your most delicate camel-hair pencils； delineate carefully the loveliest face you can imagine；paint it in your softest shades and sweetest lines， according to the description given by Mrs. Fairfax of Blanche Ingram； remember the raven ringlets， the oriental eye；—What！ you revert to Mr. Rochester as a model！ Order！ No snivel！—no sentiment！—no regret！ I will endure only sense and resolution. Recall the august yet harmonious lineaments， the Grecian neck and bust； let the round and dazzling arm be visible， and the delicate hand； omit neither diamond ring nor gold bracelet； portray faithfully the attire， aerial lace and glistening satin， graceful scarf and golden rose； call it ‘Blanche， an accomplished lady of rank.’

“Whenever， in future， you should chance to fancy Mr. Rochester thinks well of you， take out these two pictures and compare them： say， ‘Mr. Rochester might probably win that noble lady’s love， if he chose to strive for it； is it likely he would waste a serious thought on this indigent and insignificant plebeian？’”

“I’ll do it，” I resolved： and having framed this determination， I grew calm， and fell asleep.
I kept my word. An hour or two sufficed to sketch my own portrait in crayons； and in less than a fortnight I had completed an ivory miniature of an imaginary Blanche Ingram. It looked a lovely face enough， and when compared with the real head in chalk， the contrast was as great as self-control could desire. I derived benefit from the task： it had kept my head and hands employed， and had given force and fixedness to the new impressions I wished to stamp indelibly on my heart.
Ere long， I had reason to congratulate myself on the course of wholesome discipline to which I had thus forced my feelings to submit. Thanks to it， I was able to meet subsequent occurrences with a decent calm， which， had they found me unprepared， I should probably have been unequal to maintain， even externally.
(End of this chapter)