Old things in the south

Chapter 78 Family Affection · Friendship · Love——Read "Jian Diary"

"Xia Ji'an's Diary", which was serialized in "Human World", I had the honor to preview it first.A while ago, in order to publish "The Future of Literature", I exchanged letters with the author Mr. Xia Zhiqing. He once mentioned in a letter: "...you kindly want to sort out and publish our brother's letters early, and there is really no time at the moment. Last week I opened Ji’an’s old stuff and decided to publish his 1946 diary. I wrote to Gao Xinjiang, and he was very excited. It seemed that it must be published, and I had to write another introductory article...”

The so-called "brother's letter" refers to the correspondence between Mr. Ji'an and his younger brother during his lifetime. There are many literary discussions in the letter.Zhiqing once published some excerpts discussing folk literature in it, titled "Xia Ji'an's Views on Chinese Folk Literature".I like it very much and have read it many times. I have reminded Zhiqing many times that I hope that the couple will actively sort out his brother's letters and publish them together. It will be a book that is beneficial to readers.Unexpectedly, they couldn't sort it out for a while, but they "launched" this nine-month diary first.I think the fact that this diary was published in advance is not unrelated to my repeated urging to sort out the letters, right?

Recently, I was troubled by eye disease, but when I came back from Dr. Liu's eye treatment that night, I saw a thick stack of photocopied manuscripts of "Ji'an Diary", so I ignored the rest and wrote the [-]-[-]-word diary and the [-]-word preface overnight. Finished reading it.

Concealing the volume and taking a deep breath, the first thing that came to my mind was: Is such a naked diary really about to be published?What a cruel unrequited love!Infatuated, one-sided love, often tortured a big man to cry secretly.This doesn't seem like the bright and funny Xia Ji'an we saw more than ten years ago!Although everyone has another side hidden in the depths of their hearts, but this side of him seems to be a "angina pectoris"!
The editor-in-chief of "Human World" asked me to write a little bit after reading it. In fact, Zhiqing's preface already has a very detailed explanation.He has always respected and loved his dead brother. He believes that this diary is not only a personal history of love, but also describes the anguish of an upward and ambitious intellectual youth in the turbulent era (1946).Therefore, he believes that his brother's diary should be of great importance in the history of Chinese literature.But I think most of the readers are still more concerned and curious about this unrequited love, its process and result!

While reading this diary, the fragments recorded in the diary often lead me to think of Mr. Ji'an's appearance before his death, and recall several other articles that I have read many times—except the above-mentioned "Xia Ji'an's Chinese Customs In addition to Literary Views, there are also "Miscellaneous Memories of the Dead Brother Ji'an" and "Reminiscence of Teacher Ji'an" by Ms. Dong.Because these two articles, every time I read them, I am moved as much as when I first read them: the former is family affection, and the latter is friendship or love, both of which can be used as references for this diary from 30 years ago.

In Mr. Ji'an's life, we know that no matter there are three or four times, they are all "lost failure" loves (or should we say "unrequited love").He himself also said in his diary, "I have only unrequited love in my life, but no love" (see the record on February 2), this is predestined.He is an idealist, but when he really meets an ideal woman, he lacks the initiative to attack, which is why he is in a state of unrequited love.In his diary, he often said that he was suffering from "lovesickness".Lovesickness is a "disease" of Chinese-style love. He suffered from this "disease" and fell into the abyss of pain. He couldn't extricate himself, but he could analyze himself.Later, their brothers talked about lovesickness in their correspondence. For example, Xia Ji'an told his brother in a letter on June 1, 1958, that he was going to write a book called "Feng Hua Xue Yue":
... This book will have a wonderful chapter: On (suffering from) lovesickness.In Western romance (romance), there seems to be no lovesickness.Lovesickness is an extreme example of psychological impact on physiology. There may not be many actual medical cases, but the Chinese "believe" that there are. "The Story of the West Chamber" Zhang Sheng's illness, because of Yingying's letter, suddenly healed. In "The Peony Pavilion", Du Liniang died of lovesickness. Jia Rui in "A Dream of Red Mansions" suffers from "unrequited love", and the situation is different.People who suffer from lovesickness do become ill because of worry, and their illness can be cured quickly because of the fulfillment (with the fulfillment of wishes).There are also people who get "tuberculosis" because of "lovesickness", so it's not easy.I think this kind of disease only exists in Chinese romance; this point requires a lot of knowledge to supplement—including Chinese medicine, Greek and Roman medicine, and European medieval medicine, modern psychoanalysis (psychoanalysis), European romance and folklore, etc. , This topic alone can be written into a book. ...

The letter on August 8 of the same year mentioned "lovesickness" again:
... When talking about lovesickness, the Chinese advocate that "heart disease requires heart medicine". ...In the annotations to Donne's complete works edited by Grierson, there are more strange knowledge in it. There must be a lot of things about lovesickness in it. I have read this book briefly before, so I should read it carefully now. ...

From this point of view, Xia Ji'an is particularly interested in "lovesickness" and has a lot of experience. He thinks it will be a wonderful chapter in his book "Flowers, Snow and Moon", which is very similar to his own "lovesickness" example. relationship?The so-called "tuberculosis" caused by lovesickness is today's tuberculosis.However, Ji An often said that he was insane after his bitter love. He repeatedly mentioned in his diary that he explained his symptoms of insanity mainly because of the defensive line he had built up over the years. This happened on February 2 In the daily diary, there are detailed self-analysis.In fact, in this whole diary, he has not pursued women at all, and then retreated, and he retreated so badly and suffered so much.This has a lot to do with the personality he has developed since he was a child.His inner distress can only be expressed freely in correspondence with his younger brother.During this period, he wrote a twenty-page long letter, reporting to his younger brother how he fell in love with this girl, and Zhiqing's reply to his elder brother also mentioned the emptiness of their adolescent lives:
…When I came to Taiwan, I read the Tang poem "Lang Riding a Bamboo Horse", and I felt unspeakable bitterness in my heart. Our childhood (childhood) was so blank. We never had a sister or a playmate of the same age, or we treated the opposite sex unnaturally. At that time, my attitude was invisibly developed.We all have adolescence, whether in real life or on the screen, many beautiful images (idols) are gradually disappearing in the daily busy work, under pressure, in dreams; the real same flesh and blood On the contrary, there is an unspeakable terror when touching a woman, and this terror will inevitably hinder the communication of emotions.Although I have loved several women in Shanghai, I still can't get rid of this tense first love state; just like you, I seek spiritual happiness and analyze the psychological reaction of the other party in the frown and smile of my lover.However, is this sensitive spiritual enjoyment the greatest happiness for a lover?I doubt it now. ...

The two brothers often talk to each other like this. Every time I read Zhiqing's "Miscellaneous Memories of the Dead Brother Ji'an", I am very moved.The two brothers have been separated more often than together in this life, but no matter how far apart they are, the letters keep their hearts inseparable.According to Zhiqing's article, from the time he went to study in the United States at the end of 1947 to the death of Ji'an in 1965, there should have been as many as seven or eight hundred letters between the two of them.In addition to private life, many of them discuss and study literature, which is why I always hope that they will sort it out as soon as possible.And the elder brother's strong fear of the opposite sex he loves can be changed and relieved a little in the future, and the younger brother's comfort and encouragement also contribute a lot to the change of the elder brother's outlook on life.For example, when Ji An later taught at National Taiwan University and developed love for a female student in his class, it was not as self-sufficient as it was in 1946, although it was still a failed pursuit.After Ji'an's death, I read Ms. Dong's article "In Memory of Teacher Ji'an", and I can see that he has made a lot of progress in "taking the initiative".

One day, Ms. Dong and some classmates went to Teacher Ji'an's dormitory to discuss about writing a thesis, because he was the professor who supervised these students, but when they were about to leave after talking, Ji'an It is also very common for Miss Dong to stay alone, because she thinks it must be about her personal writing issues that need to be discussed.Later, I talked a lot, which had nothing to do with writing, but I wanted to invite her to dinner, and after the meal, I wanted to send her home, and set a date for the next meeting.In this matter, for a girl, no matter what, she will be very sensitive to see the clues of love.Therefore, in the situation of "received ashamed but disrespectful", Ms. Dong was inconvenient to go against the teacher's kindness too much. She had to try to let the teacher know until he told Ms. Dong that he would be her suitor (marriage suitor). , she is willing to approach the teacher because of admiration, not love.Therefore, Ms. Dong still feels deeply guilty for the teacher's sincerity.Love can't be forced, it's something that can't be helped.So Ms. Dong said for the article: "... I read those lingering letters that lasted more than ten pages, and I felt sympathy and self-blame at the same time. Tears often filled my eyes and I couldn't help myself..."

Ji'an didn't embrace celibacy, but he ended up being celibate.He also told Ms. Dong that he was an idealist and he could not accept a marriage without love.

The book "Fenghua Xueyue" seems to have not been completed, but if there are drafts that can be sorted out, we would also like to read this study of Chinese novels.Reading "Ji'an Diary", thinking of the connection of the other three articles I read, and also thinking of the readers reading "Ji'an Diary", and reading these three articles at the same time, will have a better understanding of Mr. Ji'an's personality learn.

Lala Zaza wrote what I thought of, but if someone asks me what my opinion is on publishing this diary, it is difficult for me to say that I fully agree with it.But since it's published, let's take a peek at it openly.What's more, in the "fireside chat" in the winter of 1974, there were indeed some more topics!

(End of this chapter)