Practice being alone: ​​when I started to love myself

Chapter 3 I finally started to be myself (3)
His trust taught me a simple truth: It doesn't matter what is waiting in front of you, just move forward.Later, when I translated Burrell Markham's book, I read this sentence: "The future is hidden in the fog, which makes people look timid. But when you step into it, the clouds will clear up." Laugh knowingly .

And his silent protection let me know that no matter how far I go, there are people waiting for me to go back.

So I never hesitated before making a choice, and never flinched before setbacks. I just listened to my heart, wrote, and traveled far.

When I was packing up old clothes, I found the motorcycle jacket and jeans that my father wore when he was young in the closet.Only then did I understand why he would give me a motorcycle as a birthday present instead of a floral skirt.Sometimes I feel that he should have a son, and they must have more topics to communicate with.I talked to my father about this, but he said, "You are wrong. A daughter can be raised as a son, but a son cannot be raised as a girl."

Later, on a whim, I stopped writing and went to work as a white-collar worker in a foreign company. My job happened to be involved in the automobile industry. In my spare time, I would chat with him about cars, trying to pretend to be a boy, talking about engines, models, torque, chassis... But my father suddenly said: I think one of the inventions I admire most in car design is the central locking system.You're always missing things, you know that?

It was late at night when I returned to Shanghai on a business trip. When the car drove out of the airport garage, I heard a crisp click from the central lock.

Suddenly feel so safe.

farewell many times

Spring in the south of the Yangtze River.

Eat breakfast by the window.A piece of whole wheat bread, a small bowl of olive oil, a cup of tea before the rain this spring.The tea produced in the nearby mountains is the best before the rain. Due to the cold spring this year, the output is small.

Go to bed early and get up early, pay attention to diet, and live a regular life. John Bayley said "an adopted routine preserves sanity", this statement is true.

There were two little birds in the house.Last winter, one of them caught wind and cold because of its desire to take a bath, so its feathers became no longer shiny.In the rural dialect, a person with messy and upside-down hair is called "cang".So I named the sick bird "Xiaocangshan", and the other one was naturally called "Yuan Mei".

When "Yuan Mei" and "Xiaocangshan" first came to my house, they always took turns sleeping at night, with one guarding the side and the other burying its head under its own wings.After getting familiar with the environment, they will fall asleep together. When sleeping, they will cling to each other tightly, leaning their tails together, and looking from behind, it looks like a heart.

Yuan Mei has always been agile and active, and once flew out of the cage while changing water and adding food.But it flew back the next morning and waited outside the cage.

Now Yuan Mei is gone, buried under the tea tree in the courtyard.And Xiaocangshan was sent to the mountains to release animals. It turned out that she chose such a name for herself, which also had other meanings, as if she was foretelling her own destiny to everyone.

Grandma also went at this time of year.When sending her away, every time I turned a corner, every time I crossed a bridge, I told her loudly that I knew.Because if you send her away this time, you won't be able to bring her back.

For the rest of the journey, we will not be able to deliver it, and we will have to rely on her to walk alone.

Later I wrote a long letter to her, probably received it, and never dreamed again.

I still remember being exhausted after returning from the funeral, the heavy rain fell on the car window in an instant, and I couldn't see the road ahead.When I got home, I fell asleep.In my sleep, I dreamed that I was driving on the winding mountain road, the cliff was on the left, and the blue-gray sea water was sparkling under the cliff.

Then a city appeared by the sea, in the shape of a heart, jutting into the sea, and I heard something like singing, one after another.I knew it was the pebbly beaches of Nice singing.

When I woke up, I thought, I often say: Everything in the world is more important than a hair.In fact, it is time to finish the next sentence: no more sorrow than parting, no more joy to meet new acquaintances.

sycamore flower

grandmother:

I also dreamed that I was standing under the sycamore tree, looking up at its tallness, silence and loneliness.

The flowering sycamore tree has a particularly grand sense of drama. The large purple bell-shaped flowers gather into a larger tower-shaped flower ball, which is heavily knotted on the top of the smooth twigs. Especially on cloudy days, it is indeed a more beautiful Suitable for plants that appear in eerie dreams rather than reality.

When the sycamore flowers fell, it was another grand finale. All the flowers chose to fall one after another in a short period of time. When you stepped on them when passing by, it seemed that you could feel the juice seeping from the thick petals, exuding a kind of calmness and beauty. A bewildering aroma.Purple gray.

When the spring is getting deeper and the sycamore tree grows thick green leaves, it turns back to a thick and steady tree that is close to people.

Grandma, when you left, the sycamore tree was blooming.

Mom said you want to eat grapes and asked me to buy them.It was mid-spring, so I drove to the city to look for it.On the way back from buying red mentions, wait for a red light.I found myself looking at the countdown red number on the traffic light, and burst into tears.

When you wake up from a coma, you will mention a certain food you ate in the past.So during the period before your death, I often drove around, looking for: grapes, pine nuts, plums, watermelons, longan and even cigarettes.It's like you're playing a scavenger hunt with me. If I complete the task, I can keep you as a reward.And how I want to keep you.

Once you suddenly said you wanted to smoke a brand I hadn't heard of.You have forgotten that you have quit smoking for many years.

I also know that the ones you bought are not the taste you remember.No one can buy back the old days.

But you keep silent and don't let me know your disappointment.Confused eyes, so want to smile because of my appearance.Tried for a long time, but couldn't.Then you fall into a coma for longer and longer.There are always tears in the corners of the eyes.

Cancer cells are eroding your body from the inside, depriving you of the ability to swallow and your sense of taste.When you couldn't control it, you let out a trapped animal whimper from your throat.

I just say in your ear over and over again: I know, grandma, I know it all.

I know it all.

Mom had two mothers, that's something I've known for as long as I can remember, and you were the one who gave her life.The decision you had to make because of poverty was a knot in your heart for you.

My mother also told me that when you were young, your mother remarried and your father remarried again. They were too busy worrying about their current lives and did not want to take on the responsibility of raising you.Later, your father died of stomach cancer, and your stepmother left her last words when she died: you are not allowed to wear white shoes at her funeral.In the customs of the country, this means not recognizing the daughter.

The misfortune of your youth made you try your best to love your children more, but in the end you gave up one of your daughters because of financial constraints and unable to take care of them properly.I can't imagine how hard this decision was for you and Grandpa.

But in life, there are many difficult decisions.Hundreds plus catties.

grandmother.The time we spend together adds up, is there a week?
We are neither good at talking nor good at approaching.Now I am writing to you, trying to finish the distance between us.I don't know if my efforts can be seen by you.

But it doesn't matter, grandma, I know you love me, I know it all.Did your concern for me carry some kind of heavier emotion from the beginning?At that time, I was young and didn't know why, I didn't like to approach you very much, because the occasional sadness in your expression would make people feel uneasy, they were too heavy, too heavy.

Now I know that you are just trying to do what you wanted to do but were unable to do.For a past that cannot be repeated, making unnecessary compensations.The last pair of shoes you made on your sickbed were also for me.Wearing it, I can't move my footsteps, as if every step is on your heart.

So I held them and wept bitterly.

You are suffering from stomach cancer, which was late when you were discovered, and it was complicated by bowel cancer.The disease inherited from his father seems to be a proof that God has been willing to give for a long time: you are really his flesh and blood, no matter how much he has ignored you and abandoned you.

And I don’t know if my good memory is inherited from you. I remember that when you were young, you were light and agile, good at smoking and drinking, and raised your head when you laughed, without a trace of reservation.Now you are trapped in a sick bed, unable to eat for a long time, and often fall into a coma.The breath gradually smelled of death, and when I woke up, the corners of my eyes were filled with tears.I sat down by the bed, relieved your pain, and gently stroked your stomach.The jagged ribs are as thin as the fragile wings of a bird.This is my grandmother.

There is nothing inherited from my biological parents except this now dying body and incurable cancer.You had to grow up with your aunt since you were a child, and spent most of your life suffering in hardship.And the aunt who raised you had to marry a terminally ill middle-aged man at her prime in order to raise you.

She was a widow most of her life and never had any children.Heavy physical work and a rough diet have beaten her into a thin woman, but they have never changed her soft heart that is always loving.So when you are an adult, you are as optimistic and kind as her, and you can solve difficulties with your own hands.

Looking at your now skinny hands under the sheet, I realized that I, who looks nothing like you in appearance, actually inherited your hands, they are the shape carved out of the same mold.

Grandma, I still have some time in this world.I don't know what else I have inherited from you other than these hands. Is it the same stubbornness that refuses to bow?
I was seven years old when I entered school, and you took me to see a fortune teller and asked about my academic future.All the compliments at the beginning have been forgotten, and I only remember that the thin and frail old lady said later: This child is like a pomegranate tree.You laughed: Well, like me!
When I got the news of your death, I had just stayed in another place for work for four days, and I was already exhausted on the return trip.It was already late at night when I arrived at the residence, and I fell asleep sloppily.Wake up in the morning, the sun is very good.The phone rang, and Dad said on the other end of the phone that grandma was gone.

It's only been three weeks since I last saw you.Neither of us knew that that time was already a farewell.So, let go of it so easily.The moment you turn around, participate in Shang Yongjue.The dirty clothes accumulated during business trips are too late to be washed, so tidy them up and throw them in the trunk of the car.Then I went back to the company and sat down for two meetings. After dealing with the affairs of the day, I was finally able to drive the car onto the highway when the sky darkened. "Going home to wash guest robes", I thought it was something that I would do with joy during the long vacation, but unfortunately, fate often turned upside down, and I once again changed into black clothes and went home to attend the funeral.

On the day of the burial, the weather was fine, as if you were considerate of us.

We will see you off in white.Your coffin is at my feet, and I can no longer recognize your face.

Every time you cross a bridge, every time you go around a bend, it shouts to let you know.

We are afraid that you will not find your way back.But in fact, your love for us will never be lost.

Birth, old age, sickness and death are inevitable in life.After seeing more, I gradually forget to struggle.I also gradually forgot that what seemed ordinary back then was actually the happiness of Yangchun Baixue.

Because of death, we gradually lose sight of some things.

After your funeral, I rushed back to work overnight.The horizon disappeared into the darkness, and at that moment, it felt like driving alone on the dark sea at high speed. Among the vastness and heaviness, there was only this ray of light in my hand.Want to cry and feel sleepy and powerless without tears.What comes to mind is the sentence written by another person who was always wandering around the world as early as 300 years ago. Every time I think of it, I cry: "Is Ji Zi safe? I have been wandering for a long time..."

How are you?I, too, have been wandering in this world for a long time.

Grandma, I often think of you these years after you left, and I hope I can tell you about more changes in my life.When you left, I was 26 years old, I had just lost my first relationship, and I felt that my clothes didn't fit my body all day long.He was also young and energetic, dragging his suitcase to a strange city to find him, but he had already put his heart in the hands of another person.Listening to his flawed explanation, I feel like I've been blindly loving a stranger.

Grandma, on the day you left, grandpa slept on your sickbed with no clothes on.According to the custom in the countryside, all bedding must be changed.He only said: After so many years, what does it matter.

I think of my grandfather lying alone in the dark, watching the night for you.After you left, he became more and more reticent.When I passed him, he suddenly said: She left first.

So I packed my bags and left and never looked back.When I met again many years later, that person said to me: You gave up on me without saying a word.I nodded in agreement, without showing him the scarred wounds inside.

(End of this chapter)