your voice my world

Chapter 23 You Are Finally Back

What does despair feel like?
When Qiao Ze saw this popular Weibo, he was half lying on the big bed in the hotel room, a small county town in the northwest more than 1000 kilometers away from Ancheng.

He just rushed to this city from the last city, just came back from Gao Yuan's house, his mother who was mentally abnormal because of Gao Yuan's sacrifice, and Gao Yuan's sister's sentence: "I left a few months ago, I don't know where I went .”

This is the only news he has received about Lu Miao in the past three months, and it is also the last time she appeared in this world. It has been more than three months now.

More than three months, more than 100 days...

Rubbing the corners of the phone with his long fingers, Qiao Ze lowered his eyebrows and saw a short line of words on the screen of the phone—what kind of experience is despair.

One hundred and five days, fourteen hours and eight minutes, there was no news from her.

This is despair, he thought.

Her phone call never came through, her penguin profile picture turned gray forever, and the messages she sent were never answered.

That person may never appear again.

With a slight movement of his long finger, he clicked on the comment section of that Weibo.

The minute she disappeared, she told herself that she was just going to buy breakfast and would be back soon.

An hour after she disappeared, she told herself that she was just sad and wanted to be alone.

After she disappeared for a day, she continued to hypnotize herself. She just hid, and she would come back soon after she figured it out.

On the third day after she disappeared, she kept telling herself that she just wanted to give herself some space and she would come back.

Day [-]...

Day [-]...

Day [-]...

Now is the one hundred and fifth day, fourteen hours and eight minutes since she disappeared, and I finally have to admit that her farewell is a farewell.

It's not missing, it's never seeing you again.

This is despair.

The content of more than 100 characters was divided into two comments and sent out. In just a few minutes, hundreds of likes were received, and the private mailbox was also filled with private messages from strangers.

Qiao Ze took a look, turned off the phone, threw it aside, lay down with his hands on the back of his head, and stared at the ceiling in a daze.His long-term sleep-deprived head was throbbing and aching. He was very tired, but he didn't feel sleepy at all.

The room was empty and deserted.

The ringing of the mobile phone broke the silence in the house.Like the past more than 100 days, Qiao Ze took the phone reflexively, and all the hopes that had just arisen were instantly extinguished when he saw the word "Joe Shi" jumping on the screen.

"What's the matter?" He pressed the answer button and asked, although his voice was hoarse, it was as calm and calm as before.

"Can't you care about you?" On the other end of the phone, Qiao Shi tried his best to lighten his tone, but like the past few months, her teasing still failed to exchange for Qiao Ze's previous poisonous tongue.

"It's nothing, I'll hang up." Very calm voice.

"Wait." Qiao Shi smiled. She wasn't Lu Miao after all. The only one who could restore him to the old Qiao Ze was Lu Miao.

"Brother, is there still no news?" She asked softly, her nose sore.

She knew that Qiao Ze had been looking for Lu Miao these past few months, looking for her everywhere.

On the morning when Lu Miao left, his composure and calmness disappeared in his hurried steps.

He dialed the phone over and over again, and opened the door to find someone from room to room... On that day, he was flustered and anxious.

He called up all the traffic monitors that morning.Lu Miao left the hospital alone at dawn in the morning, walking aimlessly on the gray street.

She got on a passing bus and got off at the terminal, the outer suburbs of Ancheng, near the countryside and the drop-off area at the intersection of the expressway, and there was no news after that.

During those half a month, Qiao Ze searched almost all of that area and the entire Ancheng, and everyone who could inquire about it.But there is no news, no one has seen her, and there is no body.

He turned the direction of investigation to the passing vehicles. From the surrounding villagers to the passing vehicles in those few days, he personally contacted every vehicle and every driver, and took her photo to confirm whether she was on the road. pass their car.

Whenever there was any news that suspected her, he would go all the way to confirm it in person.Time and time again, each time he left with hope and returned disappointed.

Two days ago, he heard the news that Lu Miao was suspected from a long-distance passenger transport driver, and it was only a suspicion, not sure, but he drove there overnight.

Qiao Shi very much hoped that this time he could find Lu Miao as he wished, and she very much hoped that Lu Miao was still alive. She felt sorry for Lu Miao, and also for Qiao Ze.

He has walked this road alone for too long, lonely and long, finally met her, fell in love with her, it shouldn't be the ending of eternal separation.

But his answer quickly shattered all her begging.

"No." When the low and short words came from the other end of the phone, both sides of the phone fell into a suffocating silence.

"That person is her." After a while, Qiao Ze's hoarse voice sounded again, "She met Gao Yuan's mother in the car and took her home personally, but there was still no news after that."

Qiao Ze thought of finding Gao Yuan's house by following the route in the afternoon, looking at the two-story building standing on the side of the road in the small county town, for a moment, his heart was filled with joy, he thought she was inside.

He parked the car in front of Gao Yuan's house, and Gao Yuan's mother came over and knocked on the car window with childlike, happy eyes.

She called him A Yuan, greeted him warmly, and asked him why it took him so long to come back.Gao Yuan's sacrifice greatly stimulated her, and she fell into a mental disorder.

Lu Miao met Gao Yuan's mother who was insane on that bus, and sent her home in person.

"That girl was a bit weird. She kept choking and saying sorry to my mother. She had to let me tie her limbs up when she went to sleep at night. She stayed for two days and left after seeing that my mother was better. But she was really nice. Well, the mood has been very low."

Sister Gao Yuan's words echoed in my ears over and over again.

Qiao Shi on the other end of the phone was also silent, she didn't know how to comfort him, Lu Miao's letter was already a farewell, and she might even be gone long ago.

"Brother..." Her voice was a little choked, and she wanted to persuade him to go home, but she couldn't say it.

Qiao Ze told her that in life he wanted to see people and in death he wanted to see corpses, even if he spent his whole life, he would still find her.

"I'm fine." Qiao Ze comforted quietly, "Don't worry about it. I'm dead."

The mobile phone was thrown back to the bed, and he took it again, habitually opened the photo album with his long fingers, paused for a moment, and then took it back.

There is no photo of Lu Miao on his mobile phone, he has not taken a photo of her, and he doesn't even have a photo with her.

He remembered that when she was in Macau, she said she wanted to take a photo with her, but he refused her.

Many people say that women are born with accurate intuition. Did she realize at that time that she couldn't accompany him to the end, so she wanted to leave him with a thought?
Lu Miao's face flashed in his mind, still looking up at him with a quiet and obedient appearance.

With some pain in his chest, Qiao Ze threw the phone aside again and got up to wash.

When he bent over to wash his face, the peace amulet hanging around his neck hung down slightly, drawing a shallow arc in the air.

This is the only thing Lu Miao left for him. He took it apart last time because of the chip, and then he sewed it up himself, and has been wearing it close to his body.

Qiao Ze stared blankly at the things in the mirror for a while, picked them up gently, and stroked the edges.

"It's said that people who love each other can have telepathy..." His hoarse voice came out slowly, "Daimiao, tell me, where are you?"

He was only answered by dead silence.

Qiao Ze smiled self-deprecatingly, let go of his hands, lowered his head to wash his face with water, and when he looked up again, his face in the mirror was still energetic.He couldn't let himself have the slightest chance of falling down. If even he fell down, who would go to her and who would accompany her?

Coming out of the washroom, Team Xing called and asked about Lu Miao's situation.

Team Xing knew that he was looking for Lu Miao. Lu Miao's application for compulsory medical treatment was rejected by the procuratorate, thinking that her condition should be treated under the supervision and company of her family.

It's just that the result is meaningless to Lu Miao, she just can't live anymore.

More than three months... For a person who has completely collapsed, there is no possibility of being alive.

Team Xing sighed.

"She won't be willing to abandon me." Qiao Ze stopped his possible persuasion, "Captain Xing, you don't have to worry about me."

After chatting for a while, he hung up the phone.

The phone screen switched back to the original Weibo interface, and it was still the comment area of ​​the popular Weibo, which had already been captured by tens of thousands of comments. The comment he sent casually was pushed to the top, and it was listed alongside his comment. is the latest comment.

At the age of five, he was thrown into a place he had never heard of, and could never return home.He was liked, coerced, kidnapped, and lost his only younger brother. At the age of 23, he lost his only brother.I always thought I was a victim, but I didn't expect to be a perpetrator.I don't know how to face everyone, I wander in this world like a wandering soul, I want to be free, but I can't let go of someone; I want to go back, but I can't face myself, I don't know where the road is, where the exit is.

The palm holding the phone suddenly tightened, Qiao Ze's eyes were fixed on the comment, and his Adam's apple rose and fell due to emotional fluctuations.With trembling fingers, he poked open the head portrait without a picture.

Her Weibo is the same as his, clean and without anything.

He sent her a private message: "Dai Miao, is that you?"

no reply.

He didn't know if she didn't see it, or if she didn't want to go back.But he knew it was her, and his strong intuition told him that it must be Lu Miao.

He called Zhu Qi and asked her to help find the login IP of Weibo, and tried his best to find out the IP.

Zhu Qi was very efficient in his work. After an hour, he asked someone to find out the IP address, and pinpointed the specific location, a small hotel in a small town in the northwest.

A friend from Qiao Zeto's side went to the small hotel to check on her, and made sure she didn't let her go. He booked a ticket and flew there overnight, took a bus, and arrived at the small hotel after eleven o'clock the next night.

As soon as Qiao Ze entered, the friend he entrusted had already pointed out the room number to him. The guest's name was indeed Lu Miao, and his appearance and ID photo also matched.

Qiao Ze went to knock on the door, but there was no answer after knocking twice, so he opened the door with the key.The lights in the room were not turned on, and the moonlight poured in from the window, falling on the bed against the wall.

Qiao Ze saw Lu Miao lying on the bed at a glance, curled up slightly, sleeping peacefully, breathing shallow and long.The air in his chest that had been suppressed for more than 100 days suddenly released and rushed to his throat, making him choke.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, and his movements were very light, so as not to wake her up.

We haven't seen each other for more than three months, and she has lost a lot of weight, but she is peaceful in her sleep.

His long fingers brushed lightly across her thin face, and the choking in his throat became even worse. He lowered his head and pressed his lips against hers.

She groaned, but didn't wake up.

Out of the corner of his eye, Qiao Ze saw the sleeping pills on the table.

He paused, quickly grabbed the sleeping pills, and unscrewed the bottle cap. When he saw the almost full pills in the bottle, he let go of the breath he just raised, and his eyes fell back on her face.

She didn't wake up, and the effect of sleeping pills made her fall into a deep sleep.

Joze didn't wake her up. After watching her quietly for a while, he turned his attention to the computer in the room.

Qiao Ze turned on the computer, and saw her Weibo account in the history of opening the webpage, which was indeed the one he privately messaged.

He remembered what she said, but she still couldn't come out.

She couldn't get out, his appearance was just pressure on her.

Lu Miao slept soundly that night, this was the first time in a long time that she really fell asleep, even with the help of sleeping pills.

For more than three months, she has traveled to many places without a destination or direction, and she goes wherever she goes.

It is not so much a vagabond as it is an exile.

At the moment, she is walking on the Xinjiang-Tibet Line, which is said to be the most dangerous and difficult road among the routes into Tibet. It is desolate along the way, with hundreds of kilometers of no-man's land stretching across it, and the dead man's ditch that everyone has heard of.

She didn't know if she would get lost in the no-man's land and never get out, or would sleep forever in the ditch of the dead, or if she would survive by luck.

No matter what kind of ending, Lu Miao thought, she would accept it calmly.

She didn't dare to end her life easily, but she didn't know how to get out of this predicament. Fate pushed her to this position, and she could only hand herself over to fate.

On the day she left the hospital, she sat alone by the reservoir for a day and a night.

She didn't know where to go, what else to do, every minute and every second she was conscious was a torment for her, she felt stomach upset every day, and couldn't sleep all night.

She knew that all the pain would end once she jumped down, but she couldn't take that step after all.

She got on a passing bus, not knowing where she was going, and that was where the bus took her.

Lu Miao did not expect that she would meet Gao Yuan's mother in the car, holding Gao Yuan's photo, crying and laughing for a while, saying that her son was coming back, and saying that she had brought a lot of souvenirs to her son and would send them to him in person. .

She was very sad, the stability they defended with their lives, but secretly she was destroying it all.

Along the way, she helped every passer-by she could help as if she was atoning for sin.It seemed that only in this way could she feel less guilty.

Her state of mind also gradually calmed down in this kind of atonement and exile, but she still felt sad and confused, and she couldn't find her way.

There is no way home, and no way to the future.

Waking up from sleep, looking at the empty and unfamiliar room, Lu Miao's mind was also blank.

Then, like the past more than 100 days and nights, she slowly got up, washed step by step, and when she returned to the bed, she saw the sleeping pills on the table and a letter under the sleeping pills.

She was slightly startled, thinking of another self.

In the first half month, she could clearly feel that the two selves in her body were talking. It was no longer the fierce quarrel in the past, and there was no tit-for-tat. Instead, it was peaceful and friendly. It seemed that they were slowly accepting each other, and then the voice slowed down. slowly disappeared.

When she was in Gaoyuan's hometown, she went to a psychiatrist once, and the psychiatrist gave her a hypnotic conversation, saying that she could no longer talk to another person in her body, and she might have merged into one.

Lu Miao tends to believe that they have gradually merged, but this letter...

After staring at the letter for a long time, Lu Miao stretched out his hand hesitantly, and pulled out the letter.

Qiao Ze's familiar handwriting came into view.

Dai Miao, if this kind of life can make you feel better, then go on.But as I told you before, no matter what the result is or how difficult the situation is, you must remember that I am right behind you, and I am still waiting for you to go home.

Don't give up easily at any time, it's not your fault.

A choked sob rolled out of her throat, Lu Miao covered her mouth with her hand, suppressed the choked sob, and opened the door.

There were still old furnishings in the corridor, and she didn't see Qiao Ze.She looked around in the corridor, but still didn't see him.

Lu Miao couldn't say that he was disappointed, but he was relieved. He stood alone in the corridor for a while, and then went back to his room.

When checking out, someone had already settled the room fee for her.

"Is that you, Qiao Ze?" Lu Miao asked softly, looking down at the note in her hand, her throat a little choked.

Leaving from the small town, she went to the next city.

She didn't see Qiao Ze. The note seemed to be something she imagined, but the words in the note were warm and painful like sunlight that had split the haze.Her state of mind, which had been barren for a long time, seemed to come back to life.

In the hotel in the next city, the next morning, Lu Miao received a second note from Qiao Ze.

Dai Miao, when you said goodbye to me, you said that you hope I can find a girl who is really kind, tolerant and considerate of me.But I haven't had time to tell you, apart from you, there will never be such a person, even if there is, it is not you.I only want you, only you.

I will give you time to slowly find your way home, but you have to promise me that when you find your way, you will give me back a healthy and happy Daimiao.

Tears wet the eyes again.

The third day, the fourth day, the fifth day... No.40 Nine days...

In the next month or so, Lu Miao received a total of 49 notes from Qiao Ze, some of which were encouraging, comforting, or enlightening. The number of words was small, but every word and every sentence, Lu Miao could feel his intentions.

He has been tolerant of her all this time, but she has never given him reciprocal pay, and even got stuck in her own world and wanted to leave.

Lu Miao was very sad, she never seemed to have thought about him properly, and he didn't know what kind of torment he was suffering during the days when he couldn't find her.

She wanted to find Joze, but she couldn't find him.He easily found her out of the vast crowd, and she was close by, but she couldn't find him.

At that time, Qiao Ze's note did not appear.

Lu Miao was restless in the hotel room. She turned on the computer in this restlessness, and logged into the Weibo account that she hadn't logged in for more than a month. A private message popped up, with an unfamiliar name and a familiar title.

"Darkness, is that you?"

She clicked on the Weibo post "What kind of experience is despair?", and saw the familiar vest in the popular comments at a glance.

The minute she disappeared, she told herself that she was just going to buy breakfast and would be back soon.

An hour after she disappeared...

Day Four... Day Five... Day Six...

Now is the one hundred and fifth day, fourteen hours and eight minutes since she disappeared, and I finally have to admit that her farewell is a farewell.

It's not missing, it's never seeing you again.This is despair.

With a choke, it rolled out of her throat, and Lu Miao cried uncontrollably.

She grabbed the hotel's phone and dialed Qiao Ze's number, this time it was connected by accident.

"Hello?" Qiao Ze's hoarse voice came slowly from the other end of the phone.

"Where are you?" Lu Miao asked, her voice also hoarse from crying.

The other end of the phone was silent for a while, and gave her an address, the same hotel, the same floor, but a different name to check in.

Lu Miao went to knock on Qiao Ze's door, and while waiting for him to open the door, her palms were slightly wet.

The door was quickly opened, and Qiao Ze's tall figure appeared at the door.She looked up at him. She hadn't seen him for nearly half a year, but he didn't feel strange to her at all.

"Joze..." She bit her lip slightly and said awkwardly, "I want to go home, is that okay?"

She watched his Adam's apple roll up and down, and then looked at her without moving.

She also looked up at him, her deer-like eyes were full of apprehension and embarrassment, as well as a hint of timidity, just like in the past.

He raised his jaw slightly, forcing back the heat in his eye sockets, and a hoarse voice came out from the rolling Adam's apple.

"Welcome home!"

Stretching out his long arms, he had already hugged her tightly into his arms.

Her tears burst suddenly, she hugged him tightly, and said "I'm sorry" to him repeatedly.

Qiao Ze lowered his head, searched for her lips, and kissed her eagerly.

The fullness of the person in the arms, the chest gradually became warm.

His girl, finally came back.

(End of this chapter)