Human disqualification

Chapter 3 Setting Sun
一
In the morning, my mother was drinking soup in the restaurant, and just after drinking a spoonful, she whispered: "Ah!"

"Do you have hair?"

I guess something unclean got into the soup.

"No."

As if nothing had happened, the mother deftly scooped the second spoonful of soup into her mouth.Then, she turned her head to look at the wild cherry blossoms blooming outside the kitchen window, maintained this posture, and nimbly scooped the third spoonful of soup into her little lips.It is no exaggeration to describe my mother as "dexterous".Her dining style was nothing like what was described in the women's magazines.

Once, while drinking, my younger brother Naoji said to my elder sister: "You don't have a title, you can become a nobleman. Without a title, you have the quality of a celestial nobility. There are such nobles. You only have a title, but you are as poor as a pariah." It's not much different, just like us, and it's not aristocratic. Isn't someone like Iwashima (one of Naoji's earl classmates) more despicable than the pimp in Shinjuku Fireworks? That guy recently wore a tuxedo to Yanai (The second son of a viscount, another classmate of my younger brother) Is it really necessary to wear that kind of dress for my brother's wedding? Not to mention this, when speaking impromptu during the banquet, that fool actually used a lot of honorifics, pretending Yes, it's disgusting! He's just posturing and has nothing to do with elegance. The place name of Hongo Tokyo. You can see signs of "high-end homestay" everywhere, which means that most of the Chinese people lived in Japan from the Meiji Restoration to the end of World War II. The noble class. They are all just high-ranking beggars. Real nobles can’t do the pretentious behavior of Rock Island! For example, in our family, only mother is the only noble left! Mom’s behavior is the real noble. Can't compare!"

When we drank the soup, we all faced our respective plates, lowered our heads slightly, scooped up the soup with a spoon horizontally, and then put the spoon horizontally into our mouths.The mother, however, held the edge of the table with her fingers with her left hand, her upper body was straight, her head was not looking at the plate, she held the spoon horizontally to scoop the soup deftly, and then like a swallow—I really want to describe it this way—let the spoon and her mouth Form a right angle so that the soup flows from the top of the spoon into your lips.Not only that, while she was putting the soup into her mouth spoon by spoon, she also looked around casually.She fiddled with the spoon like she was waving her little wings, she definitely wouldn't let the soup spill a drop, she wouldn't make a sound of drinking the soup, and she wouldn't let the cutlery make any noise.This may violate formal etiquette, but I think my mother is very cute like this, and it is the purest way of dining.Incredibly, the soup is actually tastier when served this way.But I was what Naoji called a high-level beggar. My mother could use a spoon so lightly and comfortably, but I couldn't.So, I can only look down at the plate and eat according to the formal etiquette, which is not interesting at all.

Soup was one of the violations of formal etiquette in all the ways my mother ate.Every time she sees the meat being served, she picks up the knife and fork, cuts the meat into small pieces at a very fast speed, then puts down the knife, picks up the small pieces of meat with the fork in her right hand, and puts them into her mouth leisurely.When eating bone-in meat such as chicken, we are very careful when cutting meat from the bone for fear of making a sound.But my mother didn't care at all, she gently pinched the chicken bone with her fingers, separated the bone and meat with her teeth, and ate the meat, contentedly.Although not elegant, this way of dining made the mother look very cute and even charming.True nobles are indeed different from ordinary people.In addition to bone-in chicken, my mother often puts ham, sausage and other things into her mouth when eating lunch.

"Do you know why rice balls are so delicious? Because they are pinched with fingers." My mother once told me this way.

It may be more delicious to eat directly with your hands. I have thought about it, but I have never had the courage to do so.Because I feel that once a senior beggar like me does not imitate well, he will become more and more like a real beggar.

Even his younger brother, Naoji, said that he could never catch up with his mother.I also think that mothers are extremely difficult to imitate.Successful imitation of my mother seemed to me hopeless.One night, just after autumn, there was a good moonlight. My mother and I were in the pavilion by the pond at our home in Nishikata Town. We laughed and chatted while looking at the moon. We talked about the difference between the bride’s dress when a fox gets married and when a mouse gets married. .Suddenly, the mother got up and walked to the bushes of bearded branches beside the pavilion.One of her faces peeped out from the white flowers of the beetroot, whiter than the flowers.

She smiled and said, "Hezi, come and guess what mom is doing?"

"defloration."

Mother laughed softly, "I'm urinating."

I was surprised that my mother didn't squat down, but I felt sincerely that I would never be able to imitate such a lovely mother.

Funny how far it has come from this morning's soup.I recently read in a book that during the reign of Louis, the noblewomen would also urinate in the corner of the courtyard or corridor of the palace.They don't care about that.Mother should be the last real lady.

Speaking of my mother yelling "ah" after drinking the first sip of soup this morning, I hurriedly asked "do you have hair", and she said "no".

"Is it too salty?"

I picked out green beans from the cans rationed by the US military, and made today's thick soup, which looks like a Western food soup.I'm not very confident about my cooking skills.Although my mother denied it, I was still very disturbed and asked again.

"Your soup is delicious." Mother said solemnly.

After finishing the soup, she stretched out her hand to pinch the seaweed rice ball and put it in her mouth.

Since I was a child, I don't like to eat breakfast, and I don't feel hungry until after ten o'clock.Today, I managed to finish the soup, but I was not interested in rice balls.So, I put the rice balls on the plate and poked them into small pieces with chopsticks, picked up a piece, let the chopsticks and the mouth form a right angle, put it into the mouth like feeding a bird, and chewed slowly.This series of actions is like the mother's action of drinking soup with a spoon.My mother had already finished her breakfast, she stood up immediately, and leaned against the wall illuminated by the morning sun to watch me eat without saying a word.

"Kazuko still doesn't like breakfast. But you have to like breakfast very much," she said.

"What about mom? Does mom like breakfast?"

"Naturally, my mother is no longer a patient."

"Kazuko is not a patient either."

"You can't, you can't!" Mother smiled and shook her head, looking sad.

Five years ago, I was bedridden with lung disease.I am consumptive only because of my will, and I know it well.My mother's recent illness is really dangerous and worrying, but my mother is always worried about my health.

"Ah." I whispered.

"What's wrong?" It was my mother's turn to ask.

I look at my mother, and my mother looks at me.Then, I laughed, and my mother also smiled, as if there was a tacit understanding in each other's hearts.

Every time I felt ashamed and couldn't bear it, I would cry "ah" in a low voice, and I couldn't control myself at all.The incident of divorce six years ago suddenly emerged clearly in my mind.I was in so much pain that I couldn't help yelling "ah".But what is the mother for?My past made me ashamed, and my mother wasn't.Could it be that something happened to my mother that I know nothing about?
"Mom just suddenly remembered something, right? What is it?"

"I do not remember."

"Is it my business?"

"No."

"Is that about Naoji?"

"That's right," my mother said, tilting her head, "it should be."

My younger brother Naoji was drafted into the army when he was in college, and after arriving on the southern island, there was no news at all.When the war ended, there was still no trace of him.Mother said that she was mentally prepared that she would never see Naoji again for the rest of her life.And I have always believed that I will see him again sooner or later, and I have never been "mentally prepared" like a mother.

"I feel that I am completely disappointed, but when I drink the delicious soup, I still think of Zhizhi and feel very sad. When Zhizhi was still there, I should have treated him better."

In high school, Naoji had a strong interest in literature. He was similar to those troubled teenagers on weekdays, which caused his mother a lot of headaches.But every time she drank the soup, my mother would still think of Naoji and say "ah".I felt hot under my eyes and stuffed a mouthful of rice into my mouth.

"It'll be fine, Zhizhi will be fine. A bad guy like him won't die easily. Only well-behaved, beautiful, and kind people will die easily. Zhizhi is a person who can't be beaten to death with a stick."

My mother joked with me with a smile: "Then Kazuko will die early?"

"Oh, why? I'm sure I'll live to be 80 because I'm such a bad guy."

"Really? Then my mother will surely live to be 90 years old?"

"Yes."

As soon as I said this sentence, it immediately felt inappropriate.Bad men live long, but beauties are always short-lived.And I hope that my mother, a beauty, can live a long life.This made me very embarrassed.

"Mom is so bad!"

As I said this, my lower lip trembled, and tears flowed from my eyes.

Next, let's talk about the snake.

One afternoon four or five days ago, some children found ten snake eggs in the bamboo fence in my yard.

The children insisted that it was the egg of a adder.It occurred to me that if ten vipers were hatched among the bamboo hedges, I would not have the courage to go for a walk in the yard again.So I said, "Burn them all."

The children were so happy that they followed me to the side of the bamboo hedge.We collected leaves and firewood together, piled them up and lit the fire, and threw the snake eggs into the fire one by one.The snake eggs were not ignited. The children added leaves and twigs to the fire to make the fire bigger, but they still couldn't ignite the snake eggs.

The peasant girl at the bottom of the mountain stood outside the bamboo fence and laughed, asking, "What are you doing?"

"Burn the viper's eggs, otherwise it will be bad if the viper hatches."

"How big is the egg?"

"It's almost like a quail egg, pure white."

"This is not the egg of a viper, but an ordinary snake egg. It is not so easy to ignite a raw egg."

The girl walked away with a smile, thinking that we were very absurd.

After about half an hour, the snake eggs still failed to burn.I asked the children to take the snake eggs out of the fire and bury them under the plum tree.I used small stones to make a small grave mound.

"Come here, come and worship."

I squatted down and clasped my hands together.The children also squatted down behind me, clasping their hands together.

Afterwards, the children all left.I walked up the stone steps alone, and found my mother standing there under the shade of the pergola on the stone steps.

"It's so cold-blooded that you can do such a thing," said the mother.

"I thought it was a adder's egg, but it turned out to be an ordinary snake egg. It doesn't matter, I have buried them."

Having said that, I still feel that my mother should not see doing such a thing.

My mother was not superstitious at all, but she was very afraid of snakes.The fear began when his father died at his home in Nishikata [-] years ago.When my father was about to die, my mother found a thin black rope next to his pillow, which turned out to be a snake.The snake quickly escaped and disappeared down the corridor.No one saw the snake except my mother and Uncle Wada.The two of them looked at me and I looked at you, and they both refrained from talking, so as not to disturb their father who was about to pass away.So we, who were there at the time, had no idea that the snake existed.

But I witnessed a strange scene at dusk on the day my father died: every tree by the pool in the courtyard was covered with snakes.I am 29 years old this year, and I was 19 when my father died ten years ago.At that time, I had grown up, so I still remember that scene clearly ten years later.My memory is mostly correct.In order to cut some flowers for worship, I went to the pond in the yard, and unexpectedly found a coiled snake on the flower branch of a rhododendron.I was a little surprised, and turned to pick Ditang flowers, and also found coiled snakes on the branches.As for the rest of the trees, osmanthus, maple, gorse, wisteria, cherry blossoms... coiled snakes can be seen on every tree.I just felt that the snake was as sad for my father's death as I was, so I crawled out of the hole to pay respects to my father's dead soul.I didn't feel scared.After that, I secretly mentioned to my mother that there were many snakes in the yard.Mother tilted her head thoughtfully, looking very calm, but remained silent.

Because of these two things related to snakes, my mother has an extreme aversion to snakes.A more accurate term is not revulsion, but reverence, that is, respect and fear of snakes.

Seeing me burn snake eggs, my mother will definitely feel that it is a bad omen.When I thought of this, I suddenly felt that burning the snake eggs was indeed quite terrifying, and I was afraid that it would bring disaster to my mother.On the second and third day, I was still brooding.When I was in the restaurant this morning, I accidentally said such ridiculous things as "beauties die early", and the circle couldn't come back, so I couldn't help crying.After the meal, I cleared the dining table, feeling as if a terrible little snake had gotten into my heart, and it would kill my mother's life.It made me feel sick as hell.

On the same day, in the yard, I found the snake again.It was a sunny day, and after finishing the work in the kitchen, I wanted to move a wicker chair to the grass in the yard to do some weaving.When I moved the rattan chair into the yard, I saw another snake in the slender bamboo bushes next to the rockery.Oh, what a nuisance!But without thinking too much, I moved the rattan chair to the corridor, sat there and started knitting.

In the afternoon, I walked into the yard, intending to go to the Buddhist hall deep in the yard to look through the collection of books there, and find a copy of Laurent-Marie Laurent-san (1885-1956), a French "Cubist" female painter.album.Suddenly, I saw a snake that was exactly the same as this morning's snake, slowly crawling on the grass.The snake was slender and graceful, and as far as I could tell it must be a female.It silently crawled across the grass, stopped under the shade of wild roses, raised its head, spit out slender flame-like letters, looked left and right, then lowered its head and curled up, as if very listless.I just think the snake is beautiful.I went to the Buddhist hall to get the picture album, and when I walked back through the yard, I looked at the location of the snake and found that it had gone.

In the evening, my mother and I drank tea in the Chinese-style room while looking into the courtyard.At this time, I found that the snake had slowly climbed up to the third stone step this morning.

Mother saw it too.

"Could it be..." My mother got up and came to me, took my hand and stood there blankly.

I heard my mother say this, and I came to my senses: "Is it the mother of those snake eggs?"

"Yes, yes." Mother said hoarsely.

We held hands and stared at the snake, stopped breathing, and didn't speak.

The snake lay on the stone steps, very sad.Then, it shook its body slowly, and struggled to climb from the stone steps to the swallow bushes.

"It's been circling the yard since this morning," I whispered.

Mother let out a sigh and sank down on the chair, exhausted.She said sadly, "Is that so? It's looking for snake eggs, how miserable it is!"

I could only laugh a few times.

The mother's face was bathed in the afterglow of the setting sun, and her eyes seemed to be shining with blue luster.There was a touch of anger on her face, looking at such a beautiful mother, I couldn't help but want to hug her. "Ah!" Suddenly, I felt that my mother's face seemed a bit like the sad snake just now.There is a snake as ugly as a viper in my chest, and at some time in the future, it may kill this sad and beautiful mother snake.I don't know how, the initiation of this idea.

I put my hand on my mother's soft and thin shoulders, feeling very uneasy, but I don't know why.

At the beginning of December of the year when Japan surrendered unconditionally, we abandoned our home in Nishikatacho, Tokyo, and moved to this Chinese-style villa in Izu.Since my father passed away, our family has depended on my mother's brother, her only relative, and Uncle Tian for our livelihood.However, the situation changed drastically after the war.Uncle Wada told his mother that with his ability, he could not continue to take care of us in the current economic environment.He hoped that our mother and daughter could sell the house, dismiss all the maids, buy a decent house in the country, and live a leisurely life.Mothers are more ignorant than children when it comes to money.When she heard Uncle Wada make such a suggestion, she handed everything over to him.

Uncle sent us an express letter at the end of November, saying:
There was a villa for sale along the Bean Railway, owned by Viscount Kawada.The villa is on a high terrain with a wide view, and includes a piece of farmland with an area of ​​about 330 square meters.Plum blossoms abound there, and it is warm in winter and cool in summer.I think you must be very satisfied there.Please come to my office in Ginza tomorrow by all means, and you need to talk directly to the other side about this matter.

I asked, "Are you coming, Mom?"

"Of course it will pass. I entrusted your uncle to find a house." The mother smiled, looking a little disappointed.

The next day, my mother asked her previous driver, Matsuyama, to drive her there.Just after twelve noon, my mother set off.And it was about eight o'clock that night when she was sent home by Mr. Matsuyama.

"Decided."

My mother came into my room and sat down on my table, as if she was about to give up.Then, she said the above sentence.

"What's been decided?"

"everything."

"But..." I was taken aback, "I haven't gone to see the house yet, just..."

Mother rested one elbow on the table, rested her forehead in her hands, and let out a sigh.

"You told Uncle Tian, ​​it's very nice there, I think it's fine to move there with your eyes closed." After saying this, the mother raised her head and smiled, her haggard face was still very beautiful.

"That's right." I didn't want to upset my mother who trusted my uncle so much, so I agreed with her, "That's how it is, and Kazuko moved over with his eyes closed!"

Both mother and daughter laughed loudly, and after laughing, they felt strangely lost again.

Then, every day, workers came to pack the luggage, and we prepared for the move.Uncle Wada also came over to take care of everything and let us sell things that weren't worth keeping.The maid Ajun and I were busy, packing clothes for a while, and piled up the old things in the yard for a while and set them on fire.Mother stayed in her room every day and refused to come out, did not help us clean up, and did not give us instructions.

"What's the matter? You don't want to move to Izu anymore?" I went to ask my mother cruelly, with a harsh tone.

"No." Mother said absently.

It took about ten days in total to pack things up.

At dusk that day, Ah Jun and I piled up a pile of waste paper and straw in the yard and set them on fire.Mother went down the hall from the house and stood looking at the fire without saying a word.The cold west wind blows the smoke close to the ground.I looked up inadvertently, and saw my mother's complexion was extremely bad.I have never seen her like this before, and she yelled in surprise: "Mom, your face is so bad."

Mother smiled and said: "I'm fine." After she finished speaking, she walked back to the house quietly.

That night, Ah Jun slept on the sofa in the western-style room on the second floor because the mattresses had been packed away.As for my mother and I, we borrowed a neighbor's mattress and laid it in my mother's room, and the mother and daughter slept together.

My mother told me in a very old voice: "The reason why I went to Izu was because of Kazuko, and Kazuko was with me... and Kazuko was with me..."

I was surprised and couldn't help asking: "What would happen if there was no Hezi?"

The mother burst into tears and sobbed, "It's better to die. Your father died in this house, and your mother wants to die here too..." She cried more and more sadly.

This was the only time in my mother's life that she said such depressing words to me, and cried so bitterly in front of me.My mother has never acted so cowardly in front of me, even before my father died, I returned to my mother pregnant after marriage, gave birth to a dead baby in the hospital, and then became bedridden with illness, even Naoji did something wrong At that time, my mother never did this.Ten years after my father passed away, my mother was still kind and gentle, no different from when my father was alive.My brother and I have been loved by our mother since we were young, and we have never had any troubles.By now, my mother had spent all her money.For us - me and Naoji, she spent all her money, so generous.Because of this, we had to move from our long-lived home to the small mountain village in Izu. The mother and daughter depended on each other and lived alone.If my mother had been a bad person, had been mean to us, and secretly saved money for herself, she would never have fallen into such a desperate situation under any circumstances.Oh, no money is like falling into hell, horrible, miserable, and without help!For the first time in my life, this thought occurred to me, and I was so heartbroken that I just wanted to cry.This feeling is what the world calls the cruelty of life.I froze and lay there on my back, motionless as a rock.

The next day, my mother's face was still very bad.She seemed to want to stay at home as long as possible, and she always procrastinated in doing things.However, Uncle Wada came and told us to go to Izu today, and all the luggage was sent there.Mother finally put on her coat slowly, nodded to Ah Jun and the other servants who bid farewell to us, but said nothing.Then, mother, uncle, and I bid farewell to our home in Nishikatacho and set off for Izu.

There were not many people on the train, and all three of us found seats.My uncle was very happy all the way, humming songs from time to time.The mother seemed to be very depressed, her face was very bad, and her head was drooping.At Mishima we changed trains on the Jun Bean Railway.Arriving in Nagaoka, Izu, we got off the train and then changed to a car.After sitting for about a quarter of an hour, I got out of the car and walked into the mountain along a gentle slope, and saw a small village.There is a mountain villa on the edge of the village, which is Chinese style, small and unique.

"Mom, this place is really beyond our imagination." I said out of breath.

"That's right." Standing at the gate of the villa, a gleam of joy flashed in the mother's eyes.

"The air is fresh and clean. This is the most important thing." The uncle's tone was quite proud.

"It's really fresh, the air here smells sweet!" Mother smiled slightly.

All three of us laughed.

After entering, we found that the luggage sent from Tokyo had arrived and was piled up in the entrance and various places in the room.

"You can still see a beautiful view in the living room!" My uncle was very excited and pulled us into the living room.

At about three in the afternoon, the warm winter sun shines on the grass in the yard.Walking through the grassland and down the stone steps, there is a small pond with many plum trees planted on the bank.Below the yard is an orange orchard with a large area.After passing the orange orchard, there is a country road, and then there is a paddy field, then a pine forest, and then the sea.Looking at the sea from the living room, the sea level is almost at the same height as my chest.

"The scenery looks very soft," said the mother listlessly.

"Maybe it's the air. The sunlight here is so different from Tokyo's, the light seems to be filtered through silk." I said aloud emotionally.

There are two rooms on the first floor of the house, one is [-] square meters and the other is [-] square meters. There is also a Chinese-style living room. The entrance is about five square meters, and the bathroom is almost as big as the entrance.In addition, there is a dining room and kitchen.There is only one room on the second floor, which is Western-style, with a large bed, used as a guest room.I think there are only two of us—no, even if Naoji goes home and becomes three of us, these few rooms will not be enough.

My uncle went to the only hotel in the village to order takeaway lunch.After the lunch box was delivered, he opened it in the room, drank the whiskey he brought, and laughed and talked about some jokes he made when he and the original owner of the villa, Viscount Kawada, traveled to China.From start to finish, he was jovial.But my mother only ate a few mouthfuls of rice.As the sky gradually darkened, my mother whispered, "I'm going to lie down for a while."

I unpacked the luggage, took out the quilt and spread it out, and let my mother lie down.I was very worried, and took out the thermometer from the luggage to measure my mother's temperature, it was as high as 39 degrees Celsius!

The uncle, who was also taken aback, hurried down to the village below to ask for a doctor.

"Mom!" I yelled.

The sleeping mother didn't respond.

I held my mother's slender hand tightly and sobbed.Mother was miserable—no, both of us were miserable!I couldn't stop crying.While crying, I was thinking, just follow my mother to die.We don't need anything anymore.When we left our house in Nishikatacho, our lives came to an end.

The uncle came back about two hours later, taking a doctor from the village with him.This is an elderly doctor, wearing Sendai satin culottes and white cloth socks.

The doctor made a diagnosis and uttered a vague sentence: "It may develop into pneumonia, but even so, there is no need to worry."

He gave his mother an injection and then said goodbye.

The next day, my mother still had a fever.Uncle Hetian gave me 2000 yuan and told me that if my mother needed to be sent to the hospital, I would send him a telegram.He returned to Tokyo that day.

The most urgent thing we need now is kitchen utensils. I unpacked the luggage and found them to cook porridge for my mother.My mother ate porridge while lying down, and she only ate three spoonfuls in total.

The doctor from the village below came back around noon, still wearing white cloth socks, but no skirt pants.

I said, "It's better to go to the hospital..."

"It's unnecessary. I'll give her another injection today, which is more effective, and it should reduce the fever."

He still didn't know what to do, and left after taking the more powerful injection in his mouth.

I don't know if it was because of the extraordinary effect of this injection. In the afternoon, my mother's face turned red and she was sweating all over.When I helped her change her pajamas, she laughed and said, "Maybe that's a doctor with great medical skills."

The mother's body temperature dropped to 37 degrees Celsius.I was so happy that I ran to the proprietress of the only inn in the village and bought ten eggs.After I came back, I immediately made the eggs into soft-boiled eggs and fed them to my mother.Mother ate three soft-boiled eggs and half a bowl of porridge.

The next day, the skilled doctor from the village came again, still wearing white cloth socks.I thank him for the injection he gave my mother yesterday.He nodded vigorously, as if to say that of course he knew it would work.He carefully checked his mother's body, turned his head and said to me: "The old lady has fully recovered, and she can do whatever she wants in terms of diet and behavior."

The doctor's speech is still sticking to words.I wanted to laugh so much, but I couldn't hold it back.

I sent him to the porch, and when I returned to the living room, I saw my mother sitting up.Her face was full of joy, and she said to herself: "In this way, he is indeed a doctor with excellent medical skills. All my illnesses have been cured."

"Mom, it's snowing outside, I opened the sliding door!"

It was snowing heavily outside.After opening the sliding door, my mother and I sat side by side, looking at the scenery of Izu in the snow outside the glass door.

My mother began to talk to herself again: "My illness is cured, and now I sit here and enjoy the scenery, I just feel that the past is like a dream. When I moved, I didn't want to move to Izu from the bottom of my heart. I hope to stay at home in Nishikatacho For a while, even for a day or half a day. When I got on the train, I felt like my heart was half dead. I was a little happy when I first got here, but when it got dark, I started to miss Tokyo. My heart was so anxious that I passed out. My disease is extraordinary. God killed me, woke me up, and turned me into another person. The me now is different from the me I was yesterday."

After that, our mother and daughter basically had no accidents in this villa.The people in the village are very friendly to us.We moved here last December and spent January, February, March, and now April.Except for three meals a day, we spent most of the rest of the time doing knitting work in the corridor, reading books and drinking tea in the Chinese living room, basically avoiding contact with the outside world.

In February, plum blossoms are in full bloom, and the village is flooded with plum blossoms.The weather in most of March was fine without strong wind, so the plum blossoms bloomed until the end of March and never withered.Whether it is morning, noon or dusk, day or night, the plum blossoms in full bloom are always amazingly beautiful.Staying in the house, opening the glass door under the corridor, you can smell the fragrance of flowers at any time.By the end of March, it was windy every evening.At this time, when I was setting the tableware for the upcoming dinner in the restaurant, plum petals would always be blown into the bowl and soaked.In April, my mother and I were weaving in the hallway, mostly talking about farming plans.My mother mentioned that she also helped me when I was farming.

Oh, writing this, it seems like what my mother said, we have died once and become a brand new person after resurrection.But it is impossible for human beings to resurrect from the dead like Jesus.Despite what my mother said, she still thought of Naoji every time she drank the soup, and couldn't help crying "ah".The wounds left on me by past experiences have also never fully healed.

Oh, I want to keep a record of everything and nothing to hide.What's more, I occasionally think that the stable life in the villa is all fake.Now under the protection of God, our mother and daughter can temporarily rest.But I can feel that an ominous shadow is quietly falling on this stability.My mother, who pretended to be very happy, is getting weaker and weaker, and a viper is entrenched in my body, which is getting stronger and stronger, and I can't stop its growth with all my strength, and it will eventually devour my mother.Oh, wish this was all due to the seasons.Because of this anxiety in my heart, I often feel that life is unbearable recently, so I have made some ridiculous actions, such as burning snake eggs.And it just makes the mother sadder and weaker.

When I wrote the word "love", I couldn't write any more.

two

About ten days after the snake egg incident, another ominous incident occurred, which made the mother more sad and brought her closer to death.

I started a fire.

I started a fire - I never in my life thought I would have such a horrible experience.

I should be the spoiled lady in the world, and I have never even noticed such a common sense: if you use fire carelessly, it will cause a fire.

Late that night, when I went to the toilet, I passed the screen of the entrance and found that the bathroom was bright.I accidentally glanced over there and saw that the bathroom window was red and crackling.I ran to open the small door leading to the bathroom, went out barefoot to check, and found a large pile of firewood burning blazingly by the stove that boiled the bath water.I hurried to the door of the nearest farmer's house under the yard and knocked on the door with all my might.

"Mr. Zhongjing, get up quickly, there is a fire!" I shouted loudly.

Mr. Zhongjing seemed to be asleep, but he still agreed: "No problem, I'll go there right away!"

I continued to yell, "Please! Please hurry up!" Then, I saw Nakai running out of the house in his pajamas.

The two of us ran to the place where the fire broke out, and took an iron bucket to scoop water from the pool.At this time, the mother's surprised cry sounded from the hallway of the living room.I immediately dropped the bucket and walked across the yard and into the hallway.

"Mom, don't worry, nothing will happen! Go back to sleep!"

Mother can't stand still.I held her, put her back on the bed, and ran back to the fire.I fetched water from the bathroom and handed it to Mr. Nakai, who poured it on the pile of firewood.But this efficiency is unlikely to extinguish the raging fire.

"It's on fire! It's on fire! It's on fire at the villa!"

The cry sounded from the lower part of the yard.Four or five villagers quickly rushed into the yard from the fence, filled buckets of water stored by the fence, and passed it one by one.In just two or three minutes, they put out the fire.If the fire burns for a while, it will burn the roof of the bathroom.

"It's so lucky!" When I was secretly rejoicing, I suddenly thought of why the fire broke out, and I couldn't help trembling.It was only at this moment that I remembered that at dusk, I took out the unburned firewood from the stove and extinguished it, and put it next to the pile of firewood.I almost cried when I thought of this, and stood there in a daze.A loud voice came from outside the fence: "The fire in the stove was not extinguished, and the bathroom was burned clean." It was the daughter-in-law of the Xishan family in front of my house who was speaking.

The village chief Fujita, the policeman Ninomiya, the police chief Ouchi and others all came over.

As usual, Fujita asked me with a kind smile on his face, "Are you scared? Why?"

"It's all my fault, I just thought the firewood went out..."

Halfway through the conversation, I couldn't continue.Thinking of my miserable situation, I couldn't help but shed tears, lowered my head, and stopped talking.I thought I might be taken back as a prisoner by the police.Right now, I'm barefoot and in pajamas, very embarrassed and ashamed.

"I understand. Where is your mother?" Mr. Fujita asked calmly, clearly reassuring me.

"She was terrified, I let her sleep in the house..."

"It's lucky that the house didn't burn down." The young policeman Ninomiya also comforted me.

Mr. Nakai, a farmer who lived below, came back after changing his clothes. He panted heavily to help me cover up my mistake: "It's not a fire, but some firewood was burned."

"So that's the case, I understand." Village Chief Fujita nodded repeatedly.

After discussing with the policeman Nigong in a low voice for a while, the village chief went on to say, "Then let's go back first, and say hello to the old lady for me."

After the village chief said this, he left with the head of the police corps and others.

Police officer Nigong stayed alone, walked up to me and said, "Then I won't report this matter tonight." His voice was as soft as breathing.

Seeing him go, Mr. Nakai asked worriedly, "What did Mr. Ninomiya say?"

"Say it won't be reported."

When I said this, a few neighbors standing by the fence seemed to hear me and said, "Is that so? Very good, very good." They all left one after another.

Mr. Nakai said "good night" and went back.I stood alone beside the pile of firewood after the fire, lost in thought.It was almost dawn, and I looked up at the sky with tears in my eyes.

I went into the bathroom and washed my hands, feet, and face, but I didn't have the courage to meet my mother.In this five-square-meter bathroom, I combed my hair procrastinatingly.Then I went to the kitchen to clean up the unnecessary dishes and didn't stop until after dawn.

It was full daylight.I walked into the living room lightly, and saw my mother was dressed and sitting on a chair in the Chinese-style living room. She looked exhausted.Seeing me, she smiled. Her face was pale, which surprised people.

I wasn't in the mood to laugh, so I went to stand behind my mother's chair without saying a word.

After a while, the mother said: "The firewood is for the fire, it doesn't matter."

I was suddenly happy, and couldn't help laughing out loud. The proverb in the Bible came to my mind: "A well-spoken word is like apples of gold in a silver net." God gave me such a considerate mother, and I am grateful.I won't let what happened yesterday bother me, it's all in the past.I stood behind my mother, looking out at the sea in Izu in the morning through the glass window of the Chinese-style living room.Eventually, my breathing completely merged with my mother's steady breathing.

I ate something casually, and began to gather the firewood pile after the fire.A Saki, the proprietress of the only inn in the village, trotted over from the wooden fence gate in the yard, and asked with tears in her eyes, "What happened? What happened? I just heard, ah, what happened last night?"

"Sorry!" I apologized in a low voice.

"Don't talk about it. The key is the attitude of the police, miss."

"He said he wouldn't report it."

"It's wonderful." She was delighted.

I asked her which way is more appropriate to thank and apologize to the villagers.

"It's better to take some money," she said. She also told me which households to take the money to apologize to.

"Miss, if you don't want to go alone, I can accompany you."

"Better go alone?"

"Can you handle it? It's best to go alone."

"Then I'll go alone."

Saki helped me clean up the scene of the fire.

I asked my mother for some money, wrapped one hundred yuan bills one after another in Mino paper, and wrote "Sorry" on each paper bag.

First, I went to the village office and handed the paper package to the girl at the door. Village head Fujita was not there.

"I'm sorry for what happened last night. From now on, I will be cautious, please forgive me. Please greet Mr. Village Chief for me."

Immediately, I went to the house of Chief of Police Chief Uchi.Mr. Ouchi greeted me at the entrance, smiled and expressed sympathy, but said nothing.

Suddenly, for no reason, I wanted to cry.

"I was really sorry last night..." I managed to say this, and left in a hurry.

On the way, I burst into tears, and my makeup was ruined. I could only go home, wash my face, remake up, and then go out.

When I was putting on my shoes in the porch, my mother came over and asked, "Aren't you finished?"

"No, there are many houses left." I didn't look up when I said this.

"You are tired." Mother said understandingly.

I drew strength from my mother's love, and walked all the people who should go, without crying again.

When we arrived at the district chief's house, he was not there, and it was his daughter-in-law who opened the door.Seeing me, she cried first.

Then, I went to the Ninomiya police house.He said repeatedly: "I'm really lucky! I'm really lucky!" Everyone was very kind to me.

Next, I went to several neighbors for a walk.They also sympathized with me and gave me relief.

Only the daughter-in-law who lives in the Xishan family in front—this daughter-in-law is actually a middle-aged woman, about 40 years old—only she scolded me mercilessly: "You must be careful in the future. You I don't know whether it's the royal family or some kind of nobleman. But I found out early on that you are living like children playing house, which is really worrying. The two of you are like two children living together. Strange. You must be careful in the future! Like what happened last night, if the wind is stronger, the whole village will be burned down, do you know that?"

When Mr. Nakai came to defend me to the village chief and Ninomiya policeman that "it was not considered a fire", it was the daughter-in-law of the Nishiyama family who shouted outside the fence, "The fire in the stove was not extinguished, and the bathroom was burned clean."But I think her complaints are justified.What she said was the truth, and therefore I hold no rancor against her.In order to comfort me, my mother joked that "firewood is for burning fire", but if there is a strong wind, the whole village will probably be burned down, just like the daughter-in-law of the Xishan family said.In this way, even if I lose this life, I cannot make up for my sins.And once I die, my mother will be left alone, and she will definitely not be able to live on.My father, who has passed away, will also lose his reputation because of me.Although we are no longer the royal family or the Chinese family, even if we cannot escape the fate of extinction, we must also be exterminated with dignity.If I died to make up for the crime of causing the fire, I would not be willing to die so bleakly.In any case, I must be careful.

The next day, I started to work hard.The girls from Mr. Nakai's family down below often come to help me.The fire damaged my face, and since then, I feel that the blood in my body has turned black and red.I feel more like a rough country girl, because I used to be nothing more than a poisonous adder in my heart, and now even the color of my blood has changed.When I was knitting in the hallway with my mother, I always felt depressed and miserable. It would be better to go to the field and plow the land for joy.

Is that what so-called physical work is all about?It's not the first time I've done this kind of work.During the war, I was called up to do the work of laying the foundations.Now, the rubber-soled tabi socks I wear on my feet when I go to work in the fields were issued by the army at that time.It was the first time in my life that I wore these tabi socks, and I didn't expect them to be so comfortable.Wearing them and walking in the courtyard is a joy. This brisk feeling makes me understand the feeling of birds and beasts walking on the ground.Other than that, the war leaves me with no happy memories.Thinking about the war is really meaningless.

Last year, nothing happened.

The year before last, nothing happened.

The year before last, nothing happened.

A newspaper published the poem after the war, and it was an interesting read.In retrospect, it was true during the war, that a lot seemed to happen and nothing seemed to happen.About the memory of the war, I don't want to talk about it, and I don't want to hear about it.During the war, many people died, but I still find it stale and uninteresting to talk about that memory.Maybe it's because I'm being too subjective.It seems to me that the only memory of all wars that is not old is that I was conscripted to put on rubber-soled stockings and pound the foundations.I was compelled to do the work, and despite the hardships and hardships, I gained physical fitness.To this day, I still think that if life is hard, in order to make money and make a living, I can lay down the foundation again.

As the war became more and more hopeless, we were welcomed to our home in Nishikata by a man wearing what appeared to be a military uniform.He brought a call-up document, a labor schedule, and handed it to me.I couldn't help crying when I saw the timetable stating that I had to go to work in the mountains of Tachikawa every other day from the next day.

I kept crying and sobbing, "Can someone go for me?"

"You must go in person, because you are the one recruited by the military." The man's tone was very stiff.

I can only be cruel and go by myself.

It rained the next day.At the foot of the mountain in Tachikawa, we lined up.The officer lectured us first.

"There is no doubt that this war will be won." He said, "There is no doubt that we will win. But if you don't follow the orders of the military, everyone will become an obstacle in the war and repeat the mistakes of Okinawa. The tasks assigned to you, please It must be done. You have to be careful with each other, there may be spies in this mountain. Be careful not to mention the situation of the position to outsiders, because you will go to work in the position next, just like soldiers. "

It was raining and foggy in the mountains. When the officers were giving lectures, nearly [-] team members braved the rain to listen, including men and women, and students from national schools.It was so cold that the students were crying.My raincoat was soaked by the rain, and the shirt inside was also wet. After a while, it was all soaked.

All day that day, I was picking dirt.On the way home by tram, I kept crying.When I went there for the second time, I was assigned what I thought was the most interesting job - pulling the rope to tamp.

I went to work in the mountains a few times, and I noticed that someone had been paying attention to me. It was the boys from the national school.One day, when I was picking soil, two or three boys walked past me, and one of them whispered, "Is she a spy?"

I was so surprised that I asked a girl shoulder to shoulder with me, "Why do they say that about me?"

"Because you look like a foreigner." The girl's tone was solemn.

"Do you think I'm a spy too?"

"No!" She smiled slightly.

"I'm Japanese." Speaking of this, I felt that my words were ridiculous, so I laughed out loud.

One fine day, I started moving logs early in the morning, and my workmates were all men.A young officer in charge of supervising us frowned and pointed at me and said, "Hey, you, come with me!"

Having said this, he hurried towards the pine forest.I followed behind him, my heart beating wildly, apprehensive and panicky.Into the depths of the pine forest, there is a large pile of wooden boards that have just been shipped from the lumberyard.Walking to the wooden board, the officer stopped, turned around and smiled at me showing his white teeth: "You must be tired from doing physical work every day, right? Your job today is to look at these logs."

"Just standing here and watching?"

"It's cool and quiet here. If you want to take a nap, you might as well use a wooden plank as a bed. Read this book if you're bored, but you may have already read it." He took out a library book from his coat pocket, shyly Throw it on the board.

"If you're bored, just read this book."

There are several printed characters of "Troika" on the cover of this library.

I picked up the book and said, "Thank you. I have a family member who also loves reading. He went to the south."

He seemed to have misunderstood: "Oh, so, is it your husband? It's your husband. The south is very dangerous." He shook his head and said with concern, "Anyway, you're staying here today to take care of these logs. I'll come back later to bring you a box lunch, you should rest first."

He turned and left quickly.

I sat down on the board and began to read.About halfway through the book, I heard the slap of the officer's leather shoes on the ground.

"I brought your boxed lunch for you. Isn't it boring to stay here alone?" He put the boxed lunch on the grass and left in a hurry.

I ate my box lunch, climbed onto the board, lay down, and continued to read.After reading the whole book, I felt groggy and started to take a nap.

After three o'clock in the afternoon, I woke up and suddenly realized that I seemed to have seen that young officer in the past, but I couldn't remember it anyway.Climbing down from the planks, I was brushing my hair when I heard the clatter of leather shoes again.

"Oh, you go home, I'm tired today."

I ran to the officer and handed the book back to him. I wanted to say thank you but couldn't, so I looked up at his face and remained silent.When I made eye contact with him, I shed tears and he had tears in his eyes too.

We parted without saying goodbye to each other.After that, the young officer never appeared in our working place again.Only that day, I was lazy once.Next, I still have to go to the mountains of Lichuan to do coolies the next day.Fearing that my body would not be able to support me, my mother was worried.As a result, my body is getting stronger and stronger.So far, I not only believe that I will be able to make a living by ramming in the future, but also believe that I can handle the work in the field without feeling particularly tormented.

I didn't want to talk about anything related to the war, and I didn't want to hear about it. Even so, I couldn't help but tell my "precious past".But other than that, I don't want to bring up any memories of the war, as the poem says:

Last year, nothing happened.

The year before last, nothing happened.

The year before last, nothing happened.

Everything seemed to me to be nothing more than a nightmare, utterly stupid.I got nothing from the war except these tabi socks.

Because of the tabi socks, I digress so many boring stories about the past.However, wearing these rubber-soled cloth socks, which are almost the only souvenirs of the war, to work in the field every day, I was able to expel all the apprehension and anxiety hidden in my heart.It's just that my mother has obviously been getting weaker and weaker recently.

snake eggs.

Fire.

Since then, my mother has gradually become a patient. Contrary to her, I seem to have become more and more rude.I somehow felt that I was getting stronger and stronger because I was constantly absorbing the vitality of my mother.

On the day of the fire, my mother told a joke that "firewood is for burning fire".In the days that followed, she tried so hard to comfort me that she never mentioned the fire again.But the blow to my mother must have been ten times heavier than that to me.Mother would sometimes groan late at night after the fire.If there is a strong wind at night, she will get up several times to check, and pretend to go to the bathroom.Not only that, the mother's face was gloomy, and she began to shake when she walked.She once told me that she would help me to work in the fields, but she couldn't hold on after doing it once.That time, she insisted on fetching water from the well with a big bucket, but it was useless for me to dissuade her.She transported five or six buckets of water to the field, and the next day she complained of shoulder pain and breathlessness, and couldn't get out of bed all day.After that, my mother became disheartened about going to work in the fields.Sometimes, when she came to the field, she just watched me bustle about.

"I heard that if a man loves the flowers that bloom in summer, he will die in summer. Is it true?"

My mother came to see me busy again today, and then suddenly asked me this question.I was watering the eggplants and realized that it was just summer.

"I love acacia trees, but there aren't any in this yard," my mother whispered.

"Aren't there a lot of oleanders?" I put on an indifferent tone.

"I hate oleander. I basically love all the flowers that bloom in summer, but oleander is too seductive."

"I love roses. But roses bloom in all seasons, so people who like roses die once in spring, once in summer, once in autumn, once in winter, and die four times a year?"

We both couldn't help laughing.

"Take a rest," the mother still had a smile on her face, "I have something to discuss with Hezi today."

"What? I don't talk about death."

I followed my mother to the pergola and sat on the bench side by side with her.The wisteria flowers were withered, and the soft afternoon sun fell through the gaps in the leaves, dyeing our legs green.

"I've been meaning to tell you about this for a long time, but I've been putting it off until now. Because I wanted an opportunity to say it when we both would be happy. It's not a good thing, but I think today is the time to talk about it, you Just listen to me patiently. I want to tell you that Naoji is not dead."

In an instant, I froze all over.

"You and Uncle Tian sent a letter five or six days ago, saying that an old colleague of his came back from the south to visit him not long ago, and during the chat, he mentioned that he happened to be in the same team as Zhizhi. Zhizhi is safe and sound, and will soon Discharged and returned home. But the man also mentioned a bad thing, Naoji seems to be addicted to opiates..."

"The old disease has returned!" I tilted my mouth, as if I had eaten something bitter.

When he was in high school, Naoji learned to take narcotics from a novelist, and owed a large debt to the pharmacy.It took two full years before my mother paid off that debt.

"That's right, it should be a relapse of the old disease. But the man said that Zhizhi will definitely give up his opium addiction before going home, otherwise the military will not approve his discharge and return. In that letter, my uncle also said that Zhizhi always makes people Don't worry, even if you quit opium addiction and go home, you can't go out to work immediately. Today, Tokyo is in chaos, and normal people will inevitably become mentally abnormal when they go to work there. Patients who have just quit opium addiction can't bear it even more. Who knows what troubles will be caused. So after he comes back, he should be allowed to go to Izu Mountain Villa to recuperate for a while, and he is not allowed to go out. The first thing I want to say is this. Besides, Kazuko Well, my uncle also said one more thing. He said that our money is all spent. Because of deposit freezes, property tax collection and other reasons, it is difficult for him to send us money like in the past. So wait for Zhizhi After returning home, if mother, Naoji, and Kazuko do not work, it will be very difficult for uncle to bear our living expenses. Therefore, he gave us two suggestions. One is to let Kazuko get married, and the other is to let Kazuko work as a domestic helper. "

"Help someone else? Do you want to be a maid?"

"No, according to my uncle, it's in Komaba..." Mother said it was a royal family, "Uncle said that royal family is related to us by blood. If you go to his house as a helper, and at the same time be his daughter's tutor, Kazuko You won’t be so lonely anymore, and you can live more comfortably.”

"Other than that, can't you find a job?"

"Uncle said that Kazuko should not be able to do other jobs."

"What can't be done? What can't be done?"

Mother didn't speak, but smiled miserably.

"I do not want to go!"

I know I shouldn't have said that, but I can't take back what I said.

"I'd rather wear these rubber-soled tabi, wear such rubber-soled tabi..." I said as I burst into tears.Looking up at my mother, I wiped my tears with the back of my hand, thinking that I shouldn't be like this, I shouldn't.But the words kept gushing out of my mouth, as if they were not under the control of my consciousness and had nothing to do with my body at all.

"Didn't my mother say in the past that the reason why she came to Izu was because Kazuko was by her side, and Kazuko was with her mother, isn't that true? Didn't mother say that without Kazuko, she would die? Because of this, Kazuko didn't want to go anywhere, and wanted to be with her mother wholeheartedly. Wearing rubber-soled tabi socks, planting delicious vegetables for my mother, living a life like this... But when I heard that Naoji was going home, my mother immediately thought I was superfluous and disliked me, so she asked me to work as a maid in the royal family , It’s too much! It’s too much!”

I know these words are very cruel, but I can't restrain myself from saying them, they seem to have become another creature.

"If the family is poor and has no money, they can sell the clothes and the house. Isn't that the way to go? I am willing to do anything, even go to the township office as a female clerk. If I can't get into the township office, I can still I don't care about being poor. I would rather stay with my mother for the rest of my life, just asking her to love me. But now it seems that my mother loves Naoji more. In this case, I will leave and no longer Staying in this house. In the past, I couldn’t get along with Naoji. The life of the three of us was a torment for everyone. I have no regrets in this life. After all, I lived with my mother for so long. The following days , Mom, let’s live with Zhizhi, give Zhizhi a chance to show his filial piety. I’m tired, I’m tired of this kind of life. I should leave, leave today, leave now. It’s not like I can’t find shelter place!"

I stand up.

"And child!"

My mother yelled at me, stood up and met my eyes, that extremely stern look made her look taller than me, I had never seen such a look on her face.

I wanted to apologize but couldn't say it, instead I said something else.

"Lie to me... Mom lied to me! Before Naoji came home, mom was using me. I was just mom's maid. Now mom is going to drive me to that royal family's house, because I have lost the value of use..."

I stood there and wept bitterly.

"What a fool you are, child," the mother whispered, her voice trembling with anger.

Looking up, I couldn't help but say a long series of stupid words: "Yes, I am stupid. If I am not stupid, how can I be fooled? If I am not stupid, how can I be hated? I'd better leave This family, isn’t it? What is poverty? What is money? I don’t understand anything. I can live to this day because I believe in love, my mother’s love!”

Suddenly, my mother turned her face away and began to cry.

I really wanted to apologize to her and hug her hard, but when I remembered that my hands were dirty when I was busy in the field, I pretended to be indifferent and said: "I just want me to disappear, don't you? If that's the case, I'll leave. There's always a place to stay."

After saying this, I ran into the bathroom, sobbed and washed my face, hands, and feet, then went back to the bedroom, changed into Western-style clothes, and burst into tears again.I went up to the second floor, into that western-style room, and wanted to cry like hell.I flung myself on the bed, covered my head with a blanket, and cried loudly, exhausted and in a trance.At this time, I began to miss a person, and the miss continued to intensify. I desperately wanted to see him and listen to him.The feeling of missing is like the soles of my feet are being roasted. In the excruciating pain, I have a strange emotion.

When it was almost evening, my mother went up to the second floor lightly, entered the western-style room, turned on the light with a snap, and came to the bedside.

"Hezi!" she called me softly.

"Oh!" I sat up, stretched out my hands to push up my messy hair, and actually looked at my mother's face and laughed out loud.

The mother also smiled, and sat in the depths of the sofa under the window, saying: "For the first time in my life, my mother did not accept Uncle Hetian's suggestion... Just now, my mother wrote back to my uncle, saying that I should arrange for my own children. Hezi, Let's sell our clothes! Sell our two sets of clothes and live as richly as we want. I don't want you to work in the fields anymore. Let's buy expensive vegetables to eat. You don't want to work like this every day, too Thanks for your hard work."

Working all day, I really can't hold it anymore.I was just crying and screaming like crazy, also because the exhaustion and grief of farming made me hate everything.

I sat down on the bed without saying a word.

"And child."

"Ok!"

"Where is the shelter you mentioned?"

I felt my whole face go red.

"Is it Hosoda-san's place?"

I do not speak.

Mother sighed deeply.

"Can you talk about the past?"

"Let's talk." I whispered.

"When you returned from Mr. Yamaki's house to Nishikatacho's house, your mother didn't blame you, but said 'Mom is very disappointed in you'. Do you still remember? You cried... Mom also understands that the word 'disappointed' is too Harsh, shouldn't have said that..."

When my mother blamed me like this, I once gave birth to infinite emotion.The reason I cried was because I was so happy.

"At that time, my mother said 'disappointed', not because you ran away from Mr. Yamaki's house, but because Mr. Yamaki said that Kazuko and Hosoda fell in love. When I heard this sentence, my face changed with anger. How can I not be angry? ? Mr. Hosoda got married and had a child early in the morning, didn’t he? No matter how much you love him, it will be in vain..."

"He actually said that we are in love? It's too much. This is just Shan Mu's guess."

"Really? But you still miss Mr. Hosoda, don't you? Where is the shelter you mentioned?"

"Not at Mr. Hosoda's."

"Really? Where is that?"

"Mom, I've been thinking about something during this time. What's the biggest difference between humans and animals? Language, IQ, thinking, social order, these things humans have, animals also have. They even have beliefs. Humans claim to' "Primate of all things", but in essence, it is no different from animals. The only difference lies in one thing, mother, you probably don't know it yet. There is something that only belongs to human beings, and no other animals have it. This is the "secret". You say is that so?"

Mother showed a coquettish smile, her face flushed.

"Oh, Mom really hopes that Kazuko's secret will bear fruit! Every morning, Mom will pray to Daddy in the sky, let him bless Kazuko to be happy."

Suddenly, I remembered that I used to drive to Nasuno with my father.On the way, we stopped to enjoy the autumn countryside.I saw flowers and plants blooming everywhere in autumn, such as beetroot, quince, gentian, yellow dragon bud, etc., as well as green wild grapes.

After that, my father and I took a motorboat to Lake Biwa for sightseeing.I jumped into the lake and my legs met some small fish, which usually live in the algae.I saw my legs reflected on the bottom of the lake, the shadow was very clear and shaking.All these scenes broke into my mind suddenly, and had nothing to do with each other.

I slid under the bed, hugged my mother's knee and said, "Mom, I was so sorry just now!" I finally said it.

This past event in memory can be called the last happy time of our mother and daughter.Afterwards, Naoji returned from the south and turned our lives into a veritable hell.

three

I was anxious and felt like I could no longer make ends meet.The so-called "anxiety" is like this.Painful sea waves kept churning in my heart, as if after a thunderstorm, clouds quickly drifted across the sky, making my heart tense and loosen at times, making me feel that my pulse stopped, my breathing was weak, my vision was blurred, and all my strength slipped away from my fingertips , unable to do knitting work anymore.

It often rains during this period, making people lazy and unwilling to do things.Today, I moved the rattan chair to the corridor of the living room, ready to finish knitting a sweater.I've been knitting this sweater since spring and procrastinating until now.I used two types of yarn, one a light peony shade and one purple blue.This ball of pale peony-colored wool comes from a scarf my mother knitted for me.That was 20 years ago, when I was a schoolboy.The scarf has a pocket at one end. I put it on my head, and I looked like a little monster in the mirror.In addition, the color of the scarf is different from other students, so I don't want to wear this scarf at all.A rich classmate from Kansai praised in an adult way: "What a beautiful scarf." But I was even more ashamed because of this, and since then I have abandoned this scarf and never wore it again.

This spring, based on the consideration of waste utilization, I am going to tear down this scarf and knit a sweater for myself.But for this vague color, I didn't like it at all, so I put the scarf away again.I took it out again today, just because I just had nothing to do, so I started knitting slowly.But after knitting for a while, I suddenly found that this light peony-colored yarn merged with the rainy gray sky, forming a soft tone that is almost impossible to describe in words, and I didn't know anything about it before. !How important it is to know how to make clothes blend with the color of the sky, and I don't know it.The blend of colors is so beautiful and elegant!I was surprised and saddened by this discovery.Unbelievably, the rainy, gray sky and the pale peony wool blended into each other's gorgeous colors.Suddenly, I felt the wool in my hand warm up, and the gloomy sky became warm and soft like velvet.I can't help but think of Monet's painting of a monastery in the fog.If it weren't for the color of the wool, I still don't know what the French word gout (taste) means.

Excellent taste.

My mother has a deep understanding of how harmonious and wonderful the fusion of the snowy sky and the light peony color in winter is.So she chose this beautiful color just for me, and I'm so stupid to hate it.I was still young at that time, and my mother didn't force me to do whatever I wanted.For 20 years, my mother waited for me to really understand the beauty of this color, and she never explained it.

I know exactly how good my mother is.But this good mother is suffering because of me and Naoji, she is worried, she is getting weaker and weaker, and she may even leave us soon.Thinking of these, my heart was clouded with fear and worry, which was unbearable.The more I think about it, the more terrifying the future seems to me.I was deeply disturbed, as if I would not be able to survive.My fingertips became weak, I put the needle on my knees, sighed deeply, raised my head, closed my eyes, and couldn't help calling out: "Mom!"

The mother who was reading at the table in the corner of the living room was puzzled and asked, "What's wrong?"

I hesitated in my heart, and responded loudly on purpose: "Rose is finally opened, Mom! Did you see it? I just saw it, and it finally opened."

The rose beside the corridor of the living room was brought by Uncle Wada from afar, and I can’t remember whether it was France or England.My uncle transplanted it to the yard of the villa two or three months ago.In fact, I found a rose tree blooming this morning, but I pretended to have just discovered it, and deliberately raised my voice to tell my mother so that she would not find out my embarrassment.The rose flower is deep purple, lonely, resolute and inviolable.

"I see. This matter seems very important to you." Mother said calmly.

"Maybe so, isn't it very pitiful?"

"No. I mean, you've always been like this, kid. Glue a picture of Renard Jules Renard (1864-1910) to the matchbox in the kitchen, make handkerchiefs for dolls, these Don’t you like to do it? The tone of your voice when you talk about the roses in the yard is like talking about a living person.”

"Because I have no children."

The unexpected words came out of my mouth.By the time I realized what I had said, it was too late.I was very shy, and continued to knit the sweater on my knees with my head down.

It seemed that a man's clear voice sounded in my ears: "You are 29 years old." The voice was very low, as charming as on the phone.I was shy for a while, and my face was hot.

Mother continued to read without saying a word.It may be because my mother started to wear gauze masks recently, and my mother obviously talked less.It was Naoji who asked his mother to wear it.About ten days ago, Naoji returned from the southern island, his face was tanned.

It was a summer evening when Naoji came back, he walked directly through the wooden gate behind and entered the yard.He hadn't messaged us before that.

"Ah, it's so ugly! This room is so vulgar! Why don't you just put up a sign 'Lai Lai Xuan' and ask everyone to 'buy siu mai'."

After a long separation, when we met again, Naoji told me such words as soon as he opened his mouth.

Because of the tongue pain, the mother had been bedridden for two or three days.She said that when she moved her tongue, the pain was unbearable, and she could only drink porridge.But there was nothing wrong with her tongue.I asked her if she wanted to see a doctor, she shook her head and smiled bitterly, and said, "People will laugh."

I put iodine compound solution on her tongue but it didn't work.I am worried.

Naoji returned home at this time.He sat down next to his mother's pillow and nodded, said "I'm back", and immediately got up to visit the hut.

I followed him and asked, "How do you feel? Is Mom different?"

"It's different! It's different! It's thinner than ever. I wish she was dead. There's no way for a mother like her to exist in this world. It's terrible, it's terrible."

"Then what about me?"

"You're lower than ever. You look like you have two or three men. Have you any wine? I'm going to have a quick drink tonight."

I went to the only inn in the village to find the proprietress, Saki, and told her that my brother was back, and asked her to sell me some wine.A Saki said, "It just so happens that the wine is sold out." After returning home, I told Naoji this way.Naoji changed his face, showing a strange expression that I had never seen before, and said:

"Oh, you can't buy wine? What a fool!"

After asking me for the address of the hotel, he put on his clogs and ran away.I waited for a long time but did not wait for him.

I made Naji's favorite baked apples, eggs, and changed the light bulbs in the restaurant to brighter ones.

After a long time, Ah Saki suddenly showed her head at the kitchen door, staring at a pair of carp-like round eyes, and whispered fearfully: "Hey, hey, can he drink? He is drinking soju at our place."

"Shochu? Is it methanol?"

"No, not that thing."

"You won't get sick if you drink it?"

"No, but..."

"Let him drink whatever he wants."

Ah Saki wanted to say something, but she didn't say it after all, she nodded and left.

I went to my mother's room and said to her, "He drinks at Azaki's."

The mother smiled slightly and said, "Is that so, have you quit your opium addiction? Let's go eat. Put Zhizhi's bedding in the middle, the three of us will sleep in this room tonight."

I'm on the verge of crying.

It was already midnight when Naoji returned home with heavy steps.The three of us put up a mosquito net and rested together in mother's room.

I lay in the quilt and said, "Tell mom about the south."

"I forgot everything, it's boring. The only thing I still remember is that after I arrived in Japan, I sat on the train and looked out the window. The green paddy fields were so beautiful. Except for this, I forgot everything. Turn off the lights, the room is too bright, how can I sleep? Got it?"

I turn off the lights.The summer moonlight fell on the mosquito net like a flood.

In the early morning of the next day, Naoji lay down on the futon and smoked, looking towards the distant sea.

"I heard from my sister that your tongue hurts, is that true?" Judging from his tone, he seemed to have just realized that his mother was not feeling well.

Mother smiled and said nothing.

"This disease is caused by psychological effects. When you sleep at night, do you open your mouth? This is very indecent and you should wear a mask. Put the gauze soaked in rivanol solution into the mask, and that's it. .”

I couldn't help laughing.

"Where did this treatment come from?"

"It's called aesthetic therapy."

"You can wear things like masks, and my mother is very disgusted."

My mother has always hated wearing masks, eye patches, and glasses on her face.

"Mom, are you willing to let you wear a mask?" I asked.

"Okay." Mother said softly, her tone was very serious.

I was taken aback.She seemed to believe anything Naoji said and did exactly that.

After breakfast, according to what Naoji just said, I soaked gauze with rivanol solution, put the gauze into a mask, and sent it to my mother's room.Mother lay there without saying a word, just took the mask and hung the mask straps on her ears, just like an obedient little girl.I feel very sad.

In the afternoon, Naoji changed into a suit and said that he must go to Tokyo to see his friends and those literary seniors.He asked his mother for 2000 yuan and set off.He went there for nearly ten days and never came home.His mother waited for him every day and refused to take off the mask.

"The rivanol solution is very good. Putting on the mask, the tongue pain will disappear immediately." When she said this, the mother smiled.

However, I still don't believe her words.She said she was in no pain and got out of bed, but she still seemed to have no appetite, and she seldom spoke.I am worried.Naoji is still in Tokyo, what is he up to?It must have been wandering around Tokyo with the novelist Mr. Uehara, and fell into the vortex of Tokyo madness.Thinking of these, my pain deepened.I suddenly mentioned the rose blooming to my mother, and blurted out such a sentence that even I thought was strange: "Because I have no children." My emotions became more and more out of control.

I yelled "Ah" and stood up.Where should we go next?I couldn't figure it out, so I wobbled up the stairs to the second floor and entered the Western-style room, not knowing what to do.

Right now, this room should belong to Naoji.Four or five days ago, I discussed with my mother and asked Mr. Nakai, the farmer below, to help me put away the things that Naoji used to have at his home in Nishikata Town, including his European-style wardrobe, bookcase, five or six wooden boxes full of books and diaries, etc. Wait, all move into this room.Now, these things are being piled up in the room, and when Naoji returns home from Tokyo, he will arrange how to arrange them himself.Because of this, the room was in such a mess that it was almost impossible to find a place to step down.I casually opened the wooden box under my feet and took out a diary. On the cover was written "Another name for Xiyan gourd flower, which blooms in the evening and thanked the next morning. Diary".

This seems to be a diary written by Naoji when he was suffering from opiate addiction:

Pain like being burned by fire.Extremely painful, but unable to utter a single sentence. Since ancient times, there has never been such an atmosphere like a bottomless hell, and there is no need to hide it for this atmosphere.

Thought?Fake.doctrine?Fake.order?Fake.honest?truth?pure?All are fake!I heard that the wisterias in Ushishima are 1000 years old, and the wisterias in Kumano are hundreds of years old. The longest flower spikes of the former are nine feet long, while the flower spikes of the latter are more than five feet long.The only thing I like is the long spikes.

That is also the son of man, living in this world.

In the final analysis, "reason" is love for "reason", not love for living people.

In front of money and women, he was ashamed and ran away.

Dr. Faust has the courage to prove that all knowledge, including history, philosophy, education, religion, law, politics, economy, society, etc., is not as valuable as a virgin's smile.

Knowledge is just another name for vanity, and it is also the hard work that people pay to make themselves different from others.

I can write flawless articles, I can swear to Goethe.A perfectly framed piece of work, with just the right amount of humor, a piece of mournful prose that makes the reader cry, or a novel so respectable that one needs to sit up and read it, if read straight out, wouldn't it be a movie narration?How can I write such a shameful work.What I will say is that the consciousness of this kind of masterpiece is an act of pretentiousness.Only a lunatic would sit up and read a novel seriously.Once you have achieved this step, you should change into a dress when you are reading a novel.But the higher the quality of the work, the less pretentious it is.In order to make my friends laugh from the bottom of my heart, I deliberately wrote the novel very badly, adding such bad plots as falling down on my buttocks and running away with my head in my arms.Oh, my friend was so happy when he saw it.

What kind of people write what kind of articles.The stubborn person blew the toy trumpet and proclaimed: "This man is the number one idiot in Japan. As for you, it's okay, live with peace of mind!" What kind of love I can't wait to get?
The friend sighed proudly: "It's a pity that guy has such a defect! Someone loves him, but he doesn't know it."

Is there anyone in the world who is not bad?
It's so boring.

I want to get rich.

Or let me die in my dreams!
Nearly 1000 yuan has been credited to the pharmacy.Today, I secretly brought the pawnbroker to my room and said to him, "I'm in a hurry to use the money. You can take whatever is valuable in this room." The boss didn't even look at it, and said, "Come on. , These things don’t belong to you.” I didn’t want to be looked down upon by him, and said, “Well, I bought some things with my pocket money, and you just take these things away.” As a result, the one I gave him There is not even a single thing that can be pawned in the pile of junk.

The first is a plaster cast in the shape of a hand, the right hand of Venus.This hand is placed alone on the pedestal, its whole body is white, like a dahlia.If you observe carefully, you will find that Venus is naked, being peeped by a man, frightened and overwhelmed, her face is blushing, her whole body is hot, and her waist is twisted. At this time, her hands are in this position.This white, slender right hand, without any fingerprints or palm prints, presents in a sad way the shyness that Venus felt suffocated by being peeped at naked, which is regrettable.But the boss only paid fifty coppers for this useless rag.

In addition, there are large maps of the suburbs of Paris that I bought home as treasures in the past, a celluloid spinning top with a diameter of nearly one foot, and a special nib that writes characters thinner than silk thread.

The boss smiled and said, "Then I'll go first."

"Wait!" I hurried to keep him.

In the end, I got a measly five yuan for a bunch of books.The books on my bookshelf are not worth much, and they are basically cheap library books bought from second-hand bookstores.

The debt was nearly a thousand yuan, and the pawn only got five yuan.That pretty much represents my power in this dunya.This is no joke.

Depressed?But if I want to survive, I can only be depressed.So those who blame me are not as good as those who let me die, which makes me happier.But very few people let others die, the world is very hypocritical, selfish and cautious.

justice?This is not the essence of class struggle.justice?What a joke.I know it well, it's just to knock down and kill others in order to seek my own happiness, it's just to let people die, isn't it?Otherwise what else?Let's face the truth!
But people of our class are all ugly.All are fools, ghosts, misers, mad dogs, big talkers, shams of politeness, pissers in the clouds.

They are not even entitled to be asked to die.

war!When Japan started the war, it was actually seeking its own death.

I'd rather die alone than die in this kind of self-defeating war.

When talking big, people will pretend to be serious.Such is the so-called "serious face" of the leaders.Pooh!

I would like to associate with people who are not respected.

It's a pity that such a good person refuses to keep me company.

I pretended to be precocious, so everyone thought I was precocious.I pretended to be lazy, so everyone said I was lazy.I pretended that I didn't know how to write a novel, so everyone said I didn't know how to write a novel.I pretended to deceive others, so everyone said I was deceiving others.I pretended that I was rich, so everyone said I was a rich man.I pretended to be very indifferent, so everyone said that I was indifferent.But when I really moan in pain, people say I'm faking it.

In short, they are incompatible with each other.

In the final analysis, is suicide the only way to go?

It was precisely because there was nothing I could do but kill myself that I suffered so much.When I thought of this, I couldn't help crying.

It is said that there was a young student in Heidelberg who secretly hanged himself on a branch with two or three plum blossoms in the sun on a spring morning.

"Mom, please scold me hard!"

"What are you scolding?"

"Call me as cowardly as a mouse!"

"That's it, you're as cowardly as a mouse!...Is that all right?"

Mother is so kind.I want to cry when I think of her.I deserve to die, if only to make up for my mistakes to my mother.

Please forgive me!Forgive me one last time!

The little crane was born blind, how pitiful it is, and year after year, it is still pitiful when it grows into a big crane. (New Year's day practice pen)

What is pride?What is pride?

Does a man, no, a man have to think "I am better than others" or "I have my own advantages" in order to survive in the world?
Hate others and be hated by others at the same time.

A battle of wits.

Prudence equals stupidity.

In short, people can't help but do hypocrisy while living.

I wrote a letter to my sister and asked her to borrow money.

please reply!

please reply!

And it must be good news.

I groaned alone, imagining all kinds of humiliation.

I am not acting.It's not a show by any means.

I implore you.

I feel so ashamed that I can't go on living happily.

There is no exaggeration in these words.

Every day, I am waiting for your reply.Day and night, my whole body was shaking.

do not let me down.

In the middle of the night, I heard someone snickering next door, and I tossed and turned on the bed, unable to fall asleep.

Don't humiliate me.

elder sister!

After I read this, I closed this "Xi Yan Diary", put it in a wooden box, went to the window to open the window, and leaned over to look at the yard, only to see the rain and mist.That part of the past surfaced in my memory.

Six years ago, I got divorced because Naoji was addicted to opium.No, that's not the case. Even if Naoji didn't have an opiate addiction, one day I would get divorced because of something else.It seemed to me that this fate was destined for me at birth.

Unable to pay off the debts at the pharmacy, Naoji often asked me for money.At that time, I had just married into Shanmu’s family, so I couldn’t spend money casually, and felt that it was not good to secretly use my husband’s family’s money to support my natal brothers, so I discussed with Aguan, the dowry, and sold my bracelets, necklaces, and skirts.

My younger brother wrote me a letter, asking for money and writing:

Right now, I'm in a lot of torment and feel ashamed, and I'm too embarrassed to see or even call my sister again.Therefore, my sister sent Aguan to take the money to the house of the novelist Mr. Jiro Uehara.My sister has probably heard of him, and his home is in the Chino Apartment in Kyobashi × Street × Chome.Mr. Uehara was known by the general public as having a low character, which was by no means the truth, and there would be no problem sending money to his house.Mr. Uehara will call me as soon as he receives the money.Please be sure to transfer the money to me in this way.I don't want my mom to know I'm addicted.Before word of this gets to my mother, I will try my best to kick my addiction.Once I receive the money from my sister, I will immediately pay off the pharmacy debt, and then go to Shiobara Villa to wait until I recover before returning.No lies!On the day I paid off the debt, I said goodbye to narcotics.God can prove it for me, trust me, don't tell mom no matter what.Please send Aguan to send money to Mr. Uehara's Chino apartment, please!

Such is the gist of this letter.According to his request, I ordered Aguan to secretly send the money to Mr. Uehara's apartment.As a result, the younger brother did not go to the Shiobara villa, and his drug addiction became deeper and deeper.In every subsequent letter asking for money, he said these deceitful oaths, saying "I will definitely quit drug addiction this time", his tone seemed to be crying and wailing, which made people feel unbearable.So I knew that he was probably lying again, so I asked Ah Guan to sell the brooches and other jewelry for money and send them to Mr. Uehara's apartment.

"What does Mr. Uehara look like?"

"He is not tall, has a bad complexion, and looks very indifferent." A Guan said, "Basically only his wife and a six- or seven-year-old girl are in the apartment, and he is probably not at home. The lady is not beautiful, but she has a good temperament. Gentle, very self-cultivated. Give her the money, and you won't have any worries."

Compared with who I am today, what I was then—no, the two are so different that there is no comparison—was muddled and innocent.But my younger brother kept asking me for money, and the amount kept increasing, so I was still worried after all.One day, I watched Noh, a traditional Japanese musical.When walking back from Ginza, I told the driver to drive back, and walked alone to the Chino apartment in Kyobashi.

Mr. Uehara was reading the newspaper in his room, he was the only one at home.He was wearing a striped jacket and a navy blue jacket with white flowers on the outside. He looked like an old man, a young man, and a rare monster.This is the impression he left on me when I first met him, which is really strange.

"My wife... took the children... together...to get rations..." He said intermittently in a slightly nasal voice.

I told him that I was Naoji's older sister.He laughed out loud and made a "hum".For some reason, I trembled.

"Let's go for a walk outside."

He had already put on his kimono, took out a pair of new clogs from the clog box, put them on his feet, and hurried out from the corridor of the apartment.

Winter had just entered, it was evening, and the cold wind seemed to be blowing from the surface of the Sumida River.Mr. Uehara walked towards Tsukiji against the wind without saying a word, the right side of his shoulder was slightly higher than the left side.I followed him closely, trotting all the way.

There is a building behind the Tokyo Theater, and there is a tavern in the basement, and we entered the tavern.This is a long and narrow room with a total area of ​​more than 30 square meters. The guests sit around four or five tables and drink without talking.

Uehara-san drank from a glass and poured me a glass too.After two glasses of wine, I felt nothing.

Mr. Uehara remained silent throughout, drinking and smoking.Although I had never been to such a place before, I was calm and happy.

"I wish he could drink."

"What did you say?"

"I said your brother, I hope he's not doing drugs, but drinking. I was addicted to drugs in the past. People are very afraid of that stuff. People are very tolerant of alcohol, even though alcohol is not a good thing. .Why don't we turn your brother into a drunkard."

"I've seen a drunkard. During the New Year, I was about to go out and found a friend of my driver's driver sitting in the passenger seat. He was flushed, like a starving ghost, and snoring loudly. I was very scared, Mr. Called. The driver told me that this is a drunkard, and no one can do anything about them. The driver dragged his friend out of the car and walked away on his shoulders. I saw that the man was so limp that he seemed to have no bones , muttering something. Before that day, I had never seen a drunkard, and I thought it was 'really interesting'."

"I'm an alcoholic too."

"Really? Can't tell."

"And so are you."

"Impossible. The drunks I've seen are nothing like me."

Uehara-san laughed.It was the first time I saw him so happy.

"Then your brother may not become an alcoholic, but at least let him start drinking. Go back! Is it not good to go back too late?"

"fine."

"Ahem... To be honest, I can only drink here, and I don't bring any money. Miss, pay the bill!"

"Is the wine expensive? I have some money on me."

"That's it, then...you will pay for it."

"That may not be enough to pay the bill."

I glanced into my wallet and told Mr. Uehara the amount.

"Are you kidding me, with so much money, I can go to two or three more!"

Mr. Uehara frowned, and immediately laughed again after saying this.

"Where are we going to drink next?" I asked.

"Forget it, enough to drink. You go home, I'll call you a taxi." He shook his head seriously.

We go up the stairs in the basement.When we reached the middle of the dark stairs, Mr. Uehara, who was walking in front, turned around abruptly and gave me a quick kiss.I accepted the kiss, but kept my mouth tightly shut.

Since then, the "secret" has been hidden in my heart, even though I have no love for Mr. Uehara.Uehara-san went up the stairs with a "clack clack".I also walked up the stairs slowly, feeling unbelievably happy.Stepping outside, I was comfortably blown by the wind blowing from the river.

Mr. Uehara flagged down a taxi for me.We said goodbye without speaking to each other.

I was shaking with the body of the car, and suddenly felt that the world was as vast as the sea.

"I'm having an affair."

One day, listening to my husband's nagging, I felt very annoyed, so I blurted out this sentence.

"I knew it early on. Is it Hosoda? Even today, you still have hope for him?"

I was silent.

We bring it up every time we have an argument.I feel like our marriage is out of the question.It's like cutting fabric to make a skirt, and then something goes wrong, and the scrap fabric has to be thrown away.

"Could it be that the child in your womb is his flesh and blood?" the husband said one night.

I was so surprised that I shuddered.

Looking back on this now, my husband and I were too young at the time.What is love?What is love?I simply don't know.I am obsessed with Mr. Hosoda's paintings, and I feel that being his wife will lead a wonderful life every day.Marriage is meaningful only if you marry such an elegant person.In front of everyone, I said that so that everyone misunderstood.But I still acted like a normal person, openly talking about my love for Mr. Hosoda, refusing to take back these words, completely unaware of my ignorance of love and love.The matter became suspicious, and eventually, my husband even became suspicious of the baby in my womb.Although neither my husband nor I directly filed for divorce, the attitudes of people around me have become very indifferent to me.Afterwards, I went back to my natal home with Aguan who was a dowry.I gave birth to a dead baby and was bedridden, so I severed ties with Shanmu.

Naoji seemed to think that he should bear some responsibility for the breakdown of my marriage, and kept crying, "Let me die!" He cried bitterly.I asked him how much he had on credit at the pharmacy, and it wasn't until I realized that it was an astonishingly large amount.Later, I also learned that my brother had underreported a lot, and this amount was not true.The real number is exactly three times that.

"I met Mr. Uehara. This person is very nice. According to me, you can drink and have fun with Mr. Uehara from now on. It doesn't cost much to drink. Whenever you want money to drink, I can give it to you .The money owed to the pharmacy can always be paid back, don't worry."

My brother heard that I met Mr. Uehara and heard me praise him for being good, so he seemed very happy.That night, my younger brother asked me for money to play with Mr. Uehara.

Poisoning may be a kind of mental illness.In addition to praising Mr. Uehara, I also asked my younger brother to borrow Mr. Uehara's works to read. "He's great," I said.My younger brother immediately said, "Sister, you don't know anything." But he continued to borrow other works by Mr. Uehara for me, and said happily, "Read this one." Gradually, I really fell in love with Mr. Uehara's works.In the days that followed, I often chatted with my younger brother about Mr. Uehara.Almost every night, my younger brother would go to Uehara's house to play openly and aboveboard.He gradually developed alcoholism, as Mr. Uehara had planned.

I secretly discussed with my mother how to pay off the money owed to the pharmacy.Mother covered her face with one hand, lost her mind for a long time, and finally raised her head and smiled sadly: "It's pointless to think about anything. Pay back some every month, take your time, I don't know how many years it will take?"

Six years passed like this.

Xi Yan, oh, my younger brother must have suffered a lot too.Up to now, he still can't see the future and feels at a loss.He didn't know what to do other than drink non-stop every day.

What if he made up his mind to be a real bad guy?His stress should be relieved.

"Is there anyone in the world who is not bad?" In that diary, he wrote such a sentence.However, this means that I am bad, my uncle is bad, and even if I look closely at my mother, she is also bad!Isn't the bad guy a good guy?
four

I hesitated for a long time whether to write this letter.This morning, Jesus’ words, “Be gentle as a dove, and wise as a serpent” popped into my mind.This actually cheered me up and made up my mind to write to you.Do you remember me, Naoji's older sister?If you forget, just remember.

I'm really sorry, Zhizhi went to disturb you again these days, it must have caused you a lot of trouble (but I also understand that it's funny that I say sorry to you on behalf of Zhizhi, Zhizhi should be responsible for what he did).However, I am not writing to you for Naoji's sake.I have something to ask for your help.Naoji said that during the war, your apartment in Kyobashi burned down, so you moved to your current home on the outskirts of Tokyo.I originally planned to visit you, but I couldn't leave my sick mother to go to Tokyo, so I could only ask you for help by writing to you.

Standing in the past, "Women's University" is a popular book about women's self-cultivation and self-cultivation in the Edo period of Japan.Judging what I am about to discuss with you from your standpoint may be a very cunning, base, and even grave crime.But I, no, our family, if we don't change the current situation, it is really difficult to make ends meet.You are the most respected person in Naoji, I want to tell you my thoughts without any concealment, please advise.

I can't stand the life I'm living at the moment.It has nothing to do with likes or dislikes. If our mother and son continue to live like this, it will be difficult to make ends meet.

Yesterday, I had a fever all over my body, I was short of breath, I was at a loss, and it was very painful.After lunch, even though it was raining, the peasant girl below came over with a bag of rice on her back.According to the previous agreement, I exchanged a piece of clothing with her.

We sat face to face in the restaurant drinking tea, and the girl asked frankly, "How long can you last by selling your belongings?"

"Maybe half a year, maybe a year." I covered half of my face with my right hand and said, "I'm so sleepy, I can't hold it anymore."

"You're so tired. Do you have a nervous breakdown, so you're always sleepy?"

"Maybe so."

Tears welled up in my eyes.Suddenly, I thought of the words "realism" and "romanticism".Realism doesn't exist for me.When I think of the problem of making a living, I can't help but feel chills all over my body.Your mother is already half ill, and your brother is terminally ill psychologically, as you know.After he came to the villa, he went to the next hotel and restaurant to drink every day, and went to Tokyo for "travel" every three days. The travel expenses were the money we got from selling clothes.But that's not what saddens me the most.I have a clear premonition that in this ordinary life, my life will just stand and rot like a banana leaf that rots on a tree before it withers.I was so scared I couldn't stand it!So I want to escape from this life, even if it violates the moral rules of "Women's University".

That is why I would like to consult with you.

Right now, I want to make one thing clear to my mother and brother.I am going to tell them clearly that I have loved someone for a long time, and I am going to be his mistress for the rest of my life.Chances are you know this guy, whose first name is MC.Every time I'm in trouble, I want to go to the MC.I miss him so much, I will never forget him.

Like you, MC also has a wife and children, and seems to have a mistress, his mistress is younger and more beautiful than me.But I feel that I have nowhere to go, and I have to go to MC.I have never met MC's wife, but I heard that she is very gentle and pleasant.Every time I think about her, I feel so mean.But I have to go to the MC because this life is scarier for me right now than doing it.To get my love, I need to be as dexterous as a serpent and gentle as a dove.But no one would approve of me doing this, including my mother and younger brother.What is your opinion on this?I have no choice but to think and act alone.I thought about it with tears all over my face.It was the first time in my life to do such a difficult thing.I have no idea how to get the blessing of the world in this matter.Like solving an extremely complicated factoring problem, I have been thinking about it as hard as I can.Occasionally, I have a feeling that a breakthrough can easily resolve this chaos, as long as the breakthrough is found.Thinking like this, I will become very happy in no time.

But MC being the most important person in this matter, what will he think of me?When I think of this, I feel disheartened.I'm supposed to be the kind of self-indulgent person, right? ...how should I describe it?It's not appropriate to say "the wife who offered to send it to your door", it is almost "the mistress who pretends to be passionate".If the MC resolutely refuses, I will no longer have any hope, so I want you to help me find out his attitude.One day six years ago, a shallow rainbow appeared in my heart.Even though it wasn't love or affection, the rainbow grew brighter and brighter, and it's still in my heart.The rainbow in the sky after the thunderstorm will disappear quickly, but the rainbow in my heart will last forever.Please help me find out what he thinks of me.Is it like a rainbow in the sky after the rain?Has it disappeared completely?

If this is the case, I should also erase the rainbow in my heart.But if I want to erase this rainbow, I must first bid farewell to the world.

Looking forward to your reply.

Mr. Jiro Uehara (My Chekhov, My Chekhov, MC)

During these days, I gradually gained weight.I became more human than animal woman.I haven't read anything this summer except one Lawrence novel.

You did not reply to my letter, so I can only continue to write to you.You should have seen through the cunning and snake-like tricks that permeated my last letter!I did hide tricks everywhere in that letter.But you must feel that I just wrote that letter to ask you to support me, to ask for money.

I have no intention of denying this.But please don't mind, if I just want to find a man to protect myself, I have other men to choose from.It seemed to me that quite a few older, wealthy people were very fond of me.Not long ago, such a wonderful marriage came to my door.You may have heard of that gentleman's name.He was over sixty years old, lived alone, and heard that he had joined a certain art academy.In order to propose to me, the master came to the villa.His house is not far from our home in Nishikatacho.During the war, our two families were assigned to the same neighboring group. A non-government self-government organization vigorously promoted by Japan during World War II and abolished after World War II.We have met a few times because of this.I still remember that one autumn, in the evening, my mother and I passed by the door of his house in a car, and saw him standing alone by the door, at a loss.Mother nodded slightly behind the car window and greeted him.The gentleman's tense black face turned red all of a sudden, even more so than red leaves.

"Is he in love? Is he obsessed with his mother?" I joked.

The mother was calm and said to herself: "No, he is a great man."

Everyone in my family seems to have a deep respect for artists.

Hearing that the artist lost his spouse a few years ago, he proposed to his mother that he would marry me, and that he would sing ballads and Japanese Noh plays with Uncle Wada in his spare time.The Japanese royal family can establish their own palace after they become adults or get married, and then the emperor bestows the palace name, which is equivalent to dividing the family.Be a middleman.My mother asked me for advice: "You just tell him what you have in mind." I didn't want to think about it at all, so I didn't think about it and wrote him a letter right away, telling him that I had no intention of getting married at the moment.

"If I refuse him, there will be no problem?"

"Of course not...I also think it's very inappropriate."

I sent the rejection letter to the artist's villa in Karuizawa, where he was living at the time.On the second day after I sent the letter, the gentleman had not read the letter, so he rushed to the door.He said that he was passing by here to deal with business in Izu Onsen, so he stopped by to visit.Artists, no matter what their age, seem to be bound by such childish behavior.

I went out to greet him, because my mother was in poor health and it was inconvenient to go there.In the Chinese-style living room, I poured him a cup of tea and said, "The rejection letter should have been sent to your villa in Karuizawa. I wrote this letter...the result of careful consideration."

"Is that so?" He was a little flustered, wiping his sweat, "but please think again. I don't know how to tell you, in terms of spirit, I may not be able to give you happiness, but in terms of material things, I will make you very happy."

"I don't understand what you mean by happiness. Please don't mind my rashness. In a letter to his wife, Chekhov said: 'Give me a child! Give me a child of ours.' Nietzsche I also seem to mention 'a woman who wants her to give birth to a child' in the essay. I want a child. I don't care much about happiness. I also want money, but once I get enough money to raise a child, I will Don't want any more."

The artist laughed, a queer laugh.

"No matter who you are in front of, you can speak your mind frankly. Few people can do this. I live with you, maybe I can get new creative inspiration."

An old man of his age would generally not say such pretentious words.He's a great artist, and if I could actually bring him back to life, it would be really meaningful.But what it would be like to be in the arms of this artist, I really can't imagine.

"Do you mind if I don't love you at all?" I smiled.

The artist solemnly replied: "For women, this is already very good. In life, there is no need to think too much."

"But I'm the kind of woman who requires marriage to be based on love. After all, I'm an adult, and I'll be thirty next year." Speaking of this, I couldn't help but want to cover my mouth.

thirty!Suddenly, I recalled a French novel I read in the past, which wrote: "Before the age of 29, a woman still has the taste of a girl, but at the age of 30, a woman loses all the smell of a girl." I thought of this I feel very lonely and hard to let go.I looked out the window, and the sea was shining brightly like broken glass under the high sun.When I read that novel, I recognized it very much, but I never thought of myself.I had no qualms about believing that a woman's best years were over when she hit thirty.I really miss myself at that time.My girly taste will also slowly fade after I lose things like bracelets, necklaces, skirts, kimono obi, etc.A middle-aged woman with a hard life, oh, I don't want to be like this!But the lives of middle-aged women do not completely exclude women's lives.Over the past few days, I've gradually figured this out.When I was 30 years old, my British teacher was going back to China and said something to me, which I still remember now: "No matter what, don't fall in love, or you will suffer disaster. Wait until you grow up and fall in love, wait for you After turning 19."

At that time, I had no idea what she meant.At that time, I had no idea what happened after the age of 30.

"I heard that you plan to sell this villa?" the artist asked suddenly, with a malicious tone.

I couldn't help laughing and said: "Sorry, I suddenly thought of the play "The Cherry Orchard" written by Chekhov. The main content is that the brothers and sisters of the fallen nobles Gayev and Langevskaya sold their ancestral cherry orchards to new upstarts Lobassin. Do you want to buy this villa?"

He was sensitive to find that there was something in my words, he is a master after all.He was very annoyed, his mouth was crooked, and he stopped talking.

Indeed, a royal family wanted to buy and live here, bidding 50 Singapore dollars, a kind of banknote issued shortly after the end of World War II in Japan.But I won't mention it anymore.Artists may have heard the rumors.However, we regard him as a person like Lobassin in "The Cherry Orchard", he seemed to find it difficult to accept, and was very unhappy, so he chatted casually and left.

Let me tell you plainly that I am not asking you to play Lobassin at the moment.I just want to ask you to do one thing, don't reject this middle-aged woman who took the initiative to go to you.

Six years ago, I first met you.At that time, I knew nothing about you except that you were my younger brother's teacher and your reputation was not very good.Do you still remember how you teased me once when we drank out of glasses together?The only thing I felt was that I was going to float, but I didn't pay much attention to it.For you, I have no feelings, no likes, no dislikes.I once asked my younger brother to borrow your works to read, in order to cater to my younger brother.I am not your loyal reader. When I read your works, I find some interesting and some boring.But in the past six years, you have gradually penetrated into my chest like smoke.Suddenly, I recalled clearly our experience that night on the basement stairs.I always think that this is a big event, which affects my fate.Because of this, I start to miss you.Realizing that this might be love, I became distraught and bewildered, and cried alone.You are a whole different kind of person compared to other men.I don't like "The Seagull" Chekhov's play, which tells the story of the young girl Nina and the writer Tripolev.Nina, who is obsessed with a writer.I have no admiration for people like novelists.If you regard me as a girl who loves literature, I really don't know what to do.In fact, I just wanted to have a baby with you.

If I could have met and married you earlier when you were unmarried and I was unmarried into the Yamaki family, I might not have suffered as much as I do today.At this point, I no longer expect to marry you at all.In any case, I will not drive your wife away.Instead, it's sleazy.I don't mind being your concubine (I really don't want to say this, but the so-called lover is a concubine in the eyes of the world, so it's better to say it directly).However, the concubine's room often leads a miserable life.I heard that as long as the concubine's room loses its use value, it will be abandoned.Any man who reaches the age of 60 will return to his wife.Because of this, you must never be a concubine.I overheard the elderly housekeeper in Nishikata Town chatting with the wet nurse.But in my opinion, this is not the case between us, what they are talking about is just those ordinary concubines.I think work is the most important thing in your mind.If you like me, my company will be good for your work.Your wife will also understand our extramarital affair.This statement may seem far-fetched, but I think it is true.

Your response is what matters.Do you like me, hate me, or have no feeling for me?Although I am afraid to face your reply, I still want to ask clearly.I mentioned in my first letter that I was a "self-confident mistress", and in this letter I said that I was a "middle-aged woman who took the initiative to go to you".But if you think about it seriously, if you don't reply, I don't even have a basis for taking the initiative to seek refuge, so I have to endure the torment of feelings, alone, helpless, at a loss, and increasingly haggard.I can't do anything without first asking your permission.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that the reason you're seen as an unruly villain is because you often tell stories of impassioned love adventures in your novels.However, you should really be a gentleman.What is a gentleman, I know nothing.In my opinion, the good life is doing what you want to do.I want to have children with you, not anyone else, and that's why I want to talk to you.If you can understand what I mean, please write your opinion clearly in a letter and send it to me.

The rain stopped and the wind picked up.It was already three o'clock in the afternoon.I had to go out and get my ration of first cru (one liter).I took out two empty rum bottles, put them in a bag, put this letter in my breast pocket, and went down to the village in ten minutes.I would keep the wine for myself and not let my brother drink it.Every night, I drink a glass of wine by the glass.Shouldn't drinking be done in a glass?

Mr. MC, would you like to come and visit me?

It's raining again today, misty and rainy.I am looking forward to your reply at home every day, but I have not expected it so far.What are your concerns?Are you upset about the great artist mentioned in the previous letter?Don't you think I mentioned his proposal to make you jealous?But the marriage proposal was over. My mother and I were talking about it just now, and we both laughed.During these days, my mother said that her tongue was sore and treated with an aesthetic therapy, which was suggested by Naoji.It worked out, her tongue didn't hurt and she seemed refreshed.

A moment ago, I was in the hallway watching the smoke and rain billowing in the wind, imagining your emotions now.

"Come and drink milk, the milk is hot!" My mother called me in the restaurant.

"I boiled the milk on purpose, it's too cold today."

When my mother and I were drinking hot milk in the restaurant, we talked about the artist a few days ago again.

"Is that gentleman not suitable for me at all?"

"Yes." Mother said nonchalantly.

"I'm so willful. I don't dislike artists. I heard that he can make a lot of money. It would be nice to marry him, but I really don't want to marry him."

"Hezi is too bad!" Mother laughed, "Since I don't like him, I still chatted with him for so long when he came over. I'm at a loss as to what you were thinking."

"Well, it's very interesting to chat with him, and I want to chat with him more! Am I rude?"

"No, you're just thick-skinned. Hezi is really thick-skinned!"

Today, my mother is in high spirits.

She finally noticed my bun, which I did just yesterday.

"If you have less hair, you can wear it in a high bun. This kind of bun is not suitable for you. It seems to be wearing a small golden crown, which is too serious."

"What a disappointment! Mom, didn't you say that Kazuko should show her fair and beautiful neck?"

"You can't remember anything except this kind of words."

"As long as it is a compliment, I will remember every word for the rest of my life. I am so happy to remember these!"

"Did that gentleman also praise you that day?"

"Need to say? I have a thick skin because of this. His words are too nasty. He said that if he is with me, he can get creative inspiration. I don't hate artists, but I really can't stand him." The kind of no-nonsense guy."

"How is Naoji's teacher?"

I startled and shuddered.

"I don't know. I heard that he is a notorious villain. He is indeed Naoji's teacher."

"Notorious?" my mother whispered, with a smile in her eyes. "How interesting is this description. Notorious people are nice and give people a sense of security. This kind of person is very flattering, like a little girl with a bell around her neck." Pussy. Really scary villains don't get notoriety!"

"Really?"

I was so happy that my body seemed to be turning into smoke and flying into the sky.Why am I so happy, can you understand?If you don't understand...just expect to be beaten.

Are you really not going to come to my house to play?It is deliberate and contrary to common sense for me to ask Naoji to bring you here.That being the case, you can pretend to be drunk and pass by on a whim, or let Naoji bring you here.But you'd better come alone when Naoji leaves home for Tokyo, otherwise Naoji will definitely entangle you, take you to Saki's place for a drink, and stay away all night.

Every generation in my family seems to love artists.We lived in Kyoto in the past and had the painter Korin Korin (1658-1716), a famous Japanese painter.Living at home for a long time, he painted beautifully on our sliding doors.Therefore, I think that mother will welcome you.At night, you should stay in a western-style room on the second floor, please remember to turn off the lights.I'll find you up the dark stairs with a short candle.Is this too impatient, would you say no?

I love bad guys, especially notorious bad guys.It would be nice if I could be the notorious bad guy too.I can only choose this way of life.Recently, I like you more and more, because I heard from my brother that many people hate you and call you shameless and debauched.Your kind of amie is French for girlfriend.There must be countless more, but from now on you will love no one but me.I insisted that it was so, but could not understand why.Plus, with me, your everyday work will be a joy.I have been praised since I was a child: "You make people forget their hard work." I am a good boy in everyone's eyes, and no one hates me, so I don't think it is possible for you to hate me.

I just want to see you.I don't care anymore whether you write me back or not.I wish to meet you.The most convenient way is for me to go to Tokyo and visit your home directly.But I can't travel far now, and I have to be my mother's personal nurse and maid, after all, my mother is already half a patient.Please come to my house once.I want to meet you, and then you will understand everything.Please look at the wrinkles at the corners of my mouth, the wrinkles brought about by the sorrow of this age.No matter what I say, I can't express how much I miss you like these wrinkles.

As I said in my first letter to you, I have a rainbow in my heart, but its light is not elegant and beautiful, not like the light of a firefly or the light of a star.If this is a kind of indifferent and distant miss, I can forget you slowly, and I don't have to endure so much suffering.This rainbow in my heart is a bridge of fire, with strong emotions, like a burning fire.The pain I have endured probably surpasses that of a narcotic addict who desperately wants narcotics and cannot get them.I don't think I've made a mistake, I'm not a bad woman, but I'm terrified at the thought that what I'm about to do might be stupid.I often reflect on myself, whether I have gone crazy.But I'm also making plans, and I'm unflappable.You are welcome to visit my house at any time, please be sure to agree to come down.I will always be at home waiting for you, not going anywhere, please believe me!
Please meet me again.After meeting, if you have no love for me, please confess to me.It was you who lit a fire in me that I alone cannot put out, only you.Anyway, meet me again, and you can save me.I beg you to do such a thing, in the "Manyoshu", the earliest collection of poems in Japan, most of which are written during the Nara period in the 8th century AD.Or "The Tale of Genji", a novel by the Japanese female writer Murasaki Shikibu, which was written in the early 11th century AD.Times are also unusual.I desperately want to be your beloved concubine, the mother of your children.

Anyone who ridicules this letter is tantamount to mocking women's efforts to survive and women's lives.The air in the harbor was cloudy and suffocating.I can't bear it anymore, and I must set sail to sea, and I am willing to face the storm outside the harbor for this purpose.The sails of the landing are all dirty, and all the people who laugh at me are the sails of the landing.No matter what these people do, they will never succeed.

This woman is really difficult to deal with!However, in this matter, I was the one who suffered the most.Those outsiders are simply ridiculous. They have never experienced this kind of suffering, but they hang their ugly sails and point at others.If others casually force a certain idea on me, I will not agree.I don't have any thoughts, and whatever I do, I don't base myself on any thoughts or philosophies.I know very well that those who are admired and respected in society are all hypocritical liars.I don't trust this society.I only see the notorious villain as the same kind, and I am willing to be crucified on the cross of the notorious villain.I would retort when I was slammed by countless people: "You are the more notorious and dangerous villains, aren't you?"

What am I talking about, can you understand?
I have explained too much, but love has no reason.It seemed to me that I was merely imitating my brother's tone.I just want to wait for you to come and see you again.

wait!Oh, life is full of various emotions, joy, anger, sorrow, and joy, but these emotions only account for 90.00% of life, and the remaining [-]% is waiting, isn't it?I waited for the sound of happy footsteps to sound down the corridor. I was full of expectations and anxious, but my wish failed.Oh, how miserable life is.Everyone felt that if they knew the reality was so cruel and ruthless early on, there was no need for them to be born.Spending every day waiting, but waiting for nothing, it's so miserable.I just want to enjoy life and the world happily, and I feel lucky to be able to come to this world for a while!
Why can't you get rid of the constraints of morality?
MC (That's short for My Child, not My Chekhow. I'm not obsessed with writers.)
五

This summer, I wrote three letters to a man and never got a reply.In those three letters, I expressed all the intensity of my heart because I couldn't think of any other way to survive.When I send a letter, I feel like jumping off a cliff into a rolling ocean wave.However, no matter how much I waited, I couldn't get any reply.I inquired about the man from my younger brother Naoji in a devious way, and learned that he would go out drinking every night, write more immoral novels, be despised and hated by others, and everything was the same as before.He persuaded Zhizhi to set up a publishing house, and Zhizhi was very interested.Naoji found several advisers, besides him, there were two or three novelists.Naoji also mentioned that he has found a sponsor.When I heard Naoji's words, I felt as if my breath had never penetrated into the life of my beloved.In addition to being ashamed, I also felt that the world was very different from the world I knew.People in this world seem to be a kind of magical creature. I seem to have been abandoned by this world in the wilderness in the autumn evening. There is not even one person I can turn to for help, so I am full of sadness.It's a feeling I've never felt before.Is this what falling in love is like?Thinking that I could only stand in the wilderness and wait for the darkness to come, and then be frozen to death in the cold night, I burst into tears, but I couldn't shed tears.My shoulders and chest were shaking so violently that I couldn't breathe.

No matter what, I have to go to Tokyo again to meet Mr. Uehara. It is impossible to continue waiting like this.Now that the sail has sailed out of the harbor, it must sail towards the established destination and cannot stop there.I started secretly preparing for the trip to Tokyo, when my mother suddenly became ill.

One night, my mother coughed profusely.I measured her temperature reached 39 degrees Celsius.

"Maybe it's because it's too cold today, but it will be fine tomorrow." Mother whispered, still coughing.

And I made up my mind that I must go to the village below to find a doctor tomorrow. I don't believe it's just a normal cough.

Early the next morning, my mother's temperature dropped to 37 degrees Celsius, and her cough subsided.But I still went to the village to ask the doctor for a visit. I told him that my mother's health had suddenly deteriorated during this period, and she had a fever again last night and coughed, which was different from the cough caused by common colds.

"Understood, I'll go over later. They gave it to me." The doctor took three pears from the cabinet in the corner of the living room and handed them to me.

After noon, a doctor in a thin floral coat with a white background came to my house.It took him a long time to auscultate and percusse as in the past, and then he turned to me and said, "Don't worry, take some medicine and you'll be fine."

I suddenly wanted to laugh, so I couldn't hold back and asked him, "Do you want an injection?"

"No need. She has a cold, just rest and recuperate for a while." He said seriously.

A week later, the mother no longer coughed, but the fever had not subsided. In the morning, her body temperature was about 37 degrees Celsius, and in the evening it rose to 39 degrees Celsius.

The doctor stopped seeing him because he had diarrhea the day after his last visit.When I went to get the medicine, I asked the nurse to tell the doctor that my mother was seriously ill.But the doctor said: "Don't worry, it's just a common cold." He prescribed some medicine and gave me the powdered medicine.

As usual, Naoji went to Tokyo again and did not return for more than ten days.I had no one to rely on, lonely and panicked, so I sent a postcard to Uncle Hetian, explaining the changes in my mother's body.

When the mother had a fever for about ten days, the doctor in the village finally stopped the diarrhea and went to the doctor again.

He carefully checked his mother's chest, and suddenly shouted: "I understand, I understand."

He turned to me and said, "I've figured out why you have a fever. It's because of the infiltration of the left lung, but don't worry too much. Your mother will continue to have a fever, and it will take a while for her to recover. She just needs to rest."

is this real?I don't quite believe it.But with the doctor's diagnosis in the village, I can feel more at ease, like a drowning man grabbing a straw.

After seeing the doctor off, I told my mother, "That's great, Mom, you've just had a lung infiltrate, which is very mild. Most people get it. It won't take long for you to recover, but keep your spirits up." It’s okay. It’s all due to the weird weather this summer, and I hate summer and the flowers that bloom in summer.”

My mother closed her eyes and smiled, "I heard that if a person loves the flowers that bloom in summer, he will die in summer. I thought I would die this summer, but I survived until autumn, all because Naoji came home."

I was very frustrated, Naoji was so useless, and my mother had to rely on him to survive.

"Finally survived the summer, and my mother has also passed the dangerous period. Mom, the yard is already full of autumn scenery, and the sage branches are blooming, and the yellow flower dragon buds, Burnet, Platycodon grandiflora, yellow-backed grass, and dog's tail grass are also in bloom. You're sure you won't have a fever by October."

I pray so, I hope that this hot September, that is, autumn tiger, will end soon.When the chrysanthemums bloom and Xiaoyangchun arrives, the weather will be suitable, and my mother will definitely have a fever and recover.At that point, I'll be able to meet that person.My plan may have a huge harvest, just like a chrysanthemum blooming big flowers.Oh, how I look forward to coming to October soon, and my mother's fever will disappear soon.

A week after I sent the postcard to Uncle Wada, the former Imperial Physician Miyake came from Tokyo with nurses to treat my mother under the introduction of my uncle.

My mother was very happy to meet the old doctor who had dealt with my dead father.Mother also liked his informality.After they met, they chatted happily, and they didn't even care about their illness.I made the pudding and sent it from the kitchen to my mother's room, only to find that the old doctor seemed to have finished his diagnosis.He was sitting on a wicker chair in the corridor outside, with his stethoscope slung over his shoulder like a necklace.

"I also often go to the ramen stall and order bowl noodles, and finish eating standing up. As for whether it is delicious or not, it doesn't matter at all." He is still chatting with his mother, looking very leisurely.

My mother looked at the ceiling and listened to him, calm and calm, not like she was seriously ill.I finally feel relieved.

"Mom, what's the disease? According to the doctor in the village, she has left lung infiltration." I cheered up and asked Mr. Miyake.

"It's all right." The old gentleman whispered, with a nonchalant look.

"Oh, that's great, Mom!" I was very happy, and said loudly to my mother while laughing, "The doctor said it's all right!"

Mr. Miyake seemed to want to say something to me, so he stood up from the rattan chair and walked towards the Chinese-style living room.I followed him lightly.

Walking to the decorative wall in the living room, the old gentleman stopped and said, "I heard snoring."

"Is it lung infiltration?"

"No."

"Is it bronchitis?" Tears welled up in my eyes.

"No."

It's tuberculosis!I really don't want to see this result.If it was pneumonia, pulmonary infiltrates, bronchitis, I would definitely try to cure my mother, but tuberculosis is incurable.I suddenly felt the ground under my feet collapse.

"The voice is abnormal? Snoring?" I was so scared that I couldn't help crying softly.

"Both left and right."

"But my mother seems to be in good spirits, and always says the food is delicious when eating..."

"It's hopeless."

"No! It can't be like this, can it? If I can eat a lot of cream, eggs, and milk, will my mother recover? When the body has resistance, the fever will go away, isn't it?"

"Yes, let her eat more anyway."

"Yeah, am I right? Mom eats tomatoes every day, maybe four or five."

"Oh, you should eat more tomatoes."

"In this case, is it all right? Can you recover?"

"But you should still be mentally prepared. This illness might take her life."

For the first time in my life, I felt the so-called "wall of despair", that is to say, there are many things in the world that cannot be undone only by human strength.

"Two more years? Or three years?" I asked in a low voice, trembling all over.

"I can't tell. Anyway, I can't help it."

On the same day, Mr. Miyake left with the nurse. He had already booked a room at the Nagaoka Onsen Hotel in Izu.I saw them off at the gate, turned around and ran back to the house, sat next to my mother's pillow and forced a smile, as if nothing had happened.

"What did the doctor say?" asked the mother.

"They say they will recover once the fever subsides."

"What happened to the chest?"

"It should be fine. It's the same as last time. After the weather cools down, it won't take long for you to recover."

I tried to forget the horrible words that there was no cure, and I was willing to believe the lies I made up.In any case, I don't want to see my mother die of illness, otherwise I will be left alone, and my body will disappear with my mother.From this moment on, I will forget about those things and cook a lot of delicacies for my mother.Such as fish, soup, canned food, liver, gravy, tomatoes, eggs, milk, rice, rice cakes, etc. If you have broth and tofu, you can also make tofu miso soup.I'm going to sell all my belongings, exchange them for delicious food, and dedicate them to my mother.

I got up and went to the living room and moved the recliner there to the corridor so that I could see my mother at all times.I sat on the recliner and carefully observed the face of my mother lying there resting.Her eyes were bright and pretty, her face was flushed, and she didn't look sick at all.Mother would get up on time every morning. After going to the toilet, she would go to the five-square-meter bathroom to comb her hair. After dressing up, she would return to the room and sit on the bed for breakfast.For the rest of the day, she would sleep and wake up, and so on.In the morning, she either reads the newspaper or reads a book.Only in the afternoon did she have a fever.

"Oh, mom will definitely recover, she is so energetic." I resolutely rejected Mr. Miyake's conclusion in my heart.

When the chrysanthemums are in full bloom in October... Thinking of this, I fell asleep drowsily.I came to the shore of a lake in a forest that looked very familiar.I often see this scene in my dreams, but I have never been here in real life.Oh here I go again!I walked with a young man in a kimono, and we didn't make any noise.The surrounding scenery seems to be shrouded in green mist, and there is a bridge submerged in the bottom of the lake, the bridge body is white and delicate.

"Oh, the bridge is sinking, and you can't go anywhere. Most of the hotels here have vacancies. Let's stay today."

There is an inn by the lake, which is built of stones.The stones are wetted by green mist, and the stone door is carved with slender gold letters HOTEL SWITZERLAND (Swiss Hotel).When I read SWI, I immediately thought of my mother.how is she nowDoes she live in this hotel too?Feeling puzzled, I entered the front yard through the stone gate together with the young man.Showy big red flowers bloom like hydrangeas in the misty yard.Hydrangeas are really red.When I was a child, I would feel sad when I saw bright red hydrangea patterns on quilts, and I didn't know why.

"Aren't you cold?"

"A little bit. My ears are wet with mist, and it's chilly." I smiled, "How is Mom?"

The young man laughed, a sad, pitiful smile."The lady is in the grave," he said.

"Huh?!" I whispered.

I see!Mother died, and yes, her funeral was over early in the morning.Oh, when I found out that my mother had passed away, I felt an unspeakable sadness, my body trembled, and I woke up from the dream in fright.

I learned from the balcony that it was evening and it was raining outside.There is a green and desolate atmosphere everywhere, like a dream.

"Mom!" I yelled.

"What are you doing?" Mother asked calmly.

I was so excited that I jumped up and ran into the room and told her, "I just fell asleep."

"Really? So you've been taking a nap, I thought you were busy." Mother smiled happily.

I saw my mother still so elegant, on the one hand I was very happy, on the other hand I was also very excited, and couldn't help but shed tears.

"What's for dinner tonight? What does mom want to eat?" I asked excitedly.

"No, I won't eat. I have a fever again today, and my body temperature has risen to 39 degrees Celsius."

I fell silent immediately, disheartened and overwhelmed.Looking around the dark room, I suddenly thought of death.

"39 degrees Celsius, what's going on here?"

"It's okay, it's uncomfortable before the fever, but that's all. First the headache, chills all over the body, and then the fever."

It was completely dark, the rain seemed to have stopped, and the wind picked up.I turned on the light and was about to go to the restaurant when my mother said loudly, "Don't turn on the light, it's too bright!"

"Wouldn't it be uncomfortable to lie in the dark all the time?" I asked as I stood there.

"I can't open my eyes when I'm lying down, and I don't feel lonely in the dark. What really disgusts me is the glare of light. From now on, don't turn on the lights in this room."

When I heard my mother say this, I thought it was a bad omen.Without saying a word, I turned off the lights in the room.Next to it was my room. I went in and turned on the lamp, feeling full of sadness.I hurried into the dining room, took out the cold rice, put pieces of salmon out of the can on top, and wept as I ate.

This night, the wind continued to increase.At about nine o'clock, it rained heavily.The real storm has begun.The bamboo curtain had just been rolled up two or three days ago, and it was crackling.In the room next to my mother, I began to read Rosa Luxemburg Rosa Luxemburg (1871-1919), a German female Marxist thinker and revolutionist, "Introduction to National Economics" is one of her masterpieces.I read "Introduction to National Economics" with great excitement.Not long ago, I went to the Zhizhi room on the second floor to get this book, and by the way, I also brought "Selected Works of Lenin", Kautsky Karl Kautsky (1854-1938), a German social democratic thinker and activist, "Social Revolution is one of his masterpieces.His "Social Revolution" was placed on his desk.

One early morning, my mother returned to the room after washing her face. When she passed by my table, she saw these three books. She picked them up and browsed them one by one.She didn't show any objection or disgust, but her eyes were full of sadness.On weekdays, what my mother reads are Alexandre Dumas, Alexandre Dumas, and Musset Alfred de Musset (1810-1857), a French romantic poet and novelist, whose representative works include the collection of poems "Stories of Spain and Italy" wait.Books by Dude, Hugo, et al.There is an air of revolution in these beautiful works, and I am well aware of that.As odd as "natural nurture" sounds, it's surprising how naturally someone like a mother might welcome a revolution when it comes.

Others will inevitably think that my reading of books by people like Rosa Luxemburg is a bit pretentious, but I still found my own interests.In "Introduction to National Economics", Rosa talked about the knowledge of economics, but it is really boring to read this book as economics.In fact, the content in the book is quite clear, and it is not difficult to understand at all.No, it could also be that I know nothing about economics.In a word, in this respect, I am not at all interested.The science must be based on the following: Humans are mean and never change.Allotments and the like don't have any appeal to people who aren't stingy.But when I read this book from a new perspective, I felt that the author was very brave, and he had the courage to break all old ideas without any worries.It got me high and it felt amazing.What's more, I also imagined a married woman running to her lover without any scruples, without any regard for morality.Break the mind.Breakdown is so bleak and tragic and wonderful.Destroy, then reshape, and finally turn dreams into reality.However, it is also possible that the remodeling work can no longer be completed after the demolition.But even so, it must be broken, otherwise love cannot be fulfilled.Rosa devoted all her love to Marxism, how heroic!

In the winter of 12 years ago, such a thing happened.

I returned to a friend unread Lenin.

"Up to now, you are still the kind of girl in "Genger Diary", an autobiography written by the daughter of the Japanese aristocrat Takahiro Sugawara in the 11th century A.D. in her later years, recording her experience from 13 to 51 years old? If so, there is no I need to say more." After saying this, the friend left.

"Have you read it?"

"Sorry, no."

We were standing on a bridge from which we could see the Nikolai Church.

"Why? Why not read it?"

My friend is almost an inch taller than me, and he is very good at foreign languages.She wears a red beret, which suits her very well.She has a recognized beauty, her face is like Mona Lisa.

"Because the color of the cover disgusts me."

"You are strange. Are you lying? Is it really you who are afraid of me?"

"Why am I afraid of you? It's all because the color of the cover makes it hard for me to bear."

"Really?" She was disappointed.Later, she said that I was like the girl in "Leveler Diary" and that I couldn't listen to anything other people said.

Together we looked down at the river in winter and fell silent.

treasure!If this is an eternal separation, then please cherish it in this life!Byron.

After reciting Byron's verses fluently, she gave me a gentle hug.

"really sorry……"

I apologize softly and feel ashamed.Immediately afterwards, I walked towards Ochanomizu Station.Suddenly I looked back and saw my friend still watching me on the bridge, lost in thought.

This is the last time we see each other.We are not in the same school, but we just follow the same foreign teacher when making up lessons.

In a blink of an eye, 12 years have passed, and I have always stayed in the "Genger Diary" period, never taking a step forward.What have I done during these days?I have no yearning for revolution.I don't know much about love either.In the past, adults in society always told us that there is nothing stupider or uglier than revolution and love.We believed this to be true both before and during the war.But after the defeat of the war, we gradually discovered that in order to survive, we must do the opposite of the views of adults, and we have lost trust in these adults.We realize that the most beautiful and sweet things in the world are revolution and love.The reason adults trick us into calling these things sour grapes must be because they're so good.Man is born for nothing but love and revolution, I am convinced of this.

Mother gently opened the sliding door, put her head in, and said with a smile, "Have you not slept yet? Are you going to sleep?"

I saw that the watch on the table was pointing to twelve.

"Well, no sleepiness at all. Reading about socialism is a thrill."

"Well, is there any wine? You will feel sleepy after drinking a glass of wine." My mother joked.She looks very charming, and this kind of charm is very close to listlessness.

October came soon, but it was hot and humid for several days in a row, just like the rainy season, without the sunshine of autumn at all.At dusk every day, my mother still had a fever, and her body temperature fluctuated between 38 and 39 degrees Celsius.

One morning, I saw that my mother's hands were swollen, which was horrible.In the past, my mother always said that breakfast was the most delicious.Now, my mother can only sit on the bed and drink porridge, and can only drink a small bowl.She can no longer eat strong food.One day, I specially made matsutake clear soup, but my mother couldn't even bear the aroma of matsutake.She picked up the bowl, had already brought it to her lips, but gently put it back on the table.At this moment, I found that my mother's right hand was swollen and round, and I was terrified.

"Mom, does your hand hurt?"

Mother's face also seemed swollen and looked slightly pale.

"It doesn't hurt. It's just a little swollen, and it doesn't hurt at all."

"When did the puffiness start?"

Mother narrowed her eyes and said nothing.I just want to cry a lot.This must be another woman's hand. How could the mother's hand become like this?Mother's hands are thinner and smaller, so beautiful, so cute, I can't be more familiar with them!Will I never see that hand again?My mother's left hand also made me unbearable to look at, but it was not as swollen as the right hand.I hastily shifted my gaze to the flower basket in front of the alcove.It was so sad, I was about to cry.So, I got up quickly and entered the restaurant.Naoji was there alone, eating a soft-boiled egg.He usually doesn't go home, even if he does, he will go to Azaki's place to drink soju overnight.The next morning, with a heavy complexion, he ate four or five soft-boiled eggs for breakfast, then climbed up to the second floor, lost in thought in his room, and did nothing.

"Mom's hands are swollen..." When I said this, I lowered my head, shook my shoulders and cried softly, unable to say a word.

Naoji said nothing.

I raised my head and grabbed the edge of the dining table, and said, "Didn't you realize that my mother is terminally ill? The edema is so swollen that there is no cure."

Naoji looked frustrated and said, "It seems that it will come soon, oh, the problem will come soon."

"I still want to cure her, and I must cure her." I stretched out my right hand and pinched my left.

Suddenly, Naoji started to sob and said, "Why isn't there anything that makes people happy? Why can't we have even one happy thing?" He rubbed his eyes with his fists as he spoke.

On this day, Naoji went to Tokyo to find Uncle Wada, told him about his mother's condition, and asked him what to do next.I would cry whenever I went out of my mother's sight.In the morning when I went to get milk in the mist, when I combed my hair and put on lipstick in front of the mirror, my eyes were always full of tears.I couldn't stop crying as I kept replaying the happy times I had with my mother.At dusk, when the sky darkened, I went to the balcony outside the living room to sob, and couldn't stop for a long time.In the night sky in autumn, the stars are shining brightly, and there is a cat quietly curled up at my feet, and I don’t know which family raised it.

The next day, the swelling on my mother's hands got worse.She couldn't eat at all, and couldn't even drink orange juice because her mouth hurt so badly from the canker sores.

"Mom, how about wearing the mask Naoji said?" I wanted to say it with a smile on my face, but a burst of sadness welled up from the bottom of my heart, and I burst into tears.

"You are so busy every day, you must be exhausted? Why don't you ask a nurse for help." The mother's tone was very peaceful.

What my mother worries most is not her own body, but mine.I knew this very well, and became more and more sad. I hurriedly got up and went to the bathroom to cry bitterly.

Naoji returned home in the afternoon and brought Dr. Miyake and two nurses with him.

The old doctor usually likes to talk and laugh, but now with a tense face, he walked into the mother's room with heavy steps, and immediately began to examine her.

"The body is getting weaker and weaker." He was talking to himself, not knowing who he was talking to.After speaking, he gave his mother a camphor solution.

"Where does the doctor live tonight?" Mother said dreamily.

"I still live in Nagaoka. Don't worry, the rooms are all booked. You are a patient, don't worry about others. Eat whatever you want, eat as much as you can. If you take in more nutrients, you will recover in a short time. I will come back tomorrow. If you have anything to do, you can ask the nurse for help, and I will arrange for a nurse to stay." The old doctor said loudly to the mother on the bed, gave Zhizhi a wink, and stood up.

Naoji goes out alone to see off the old doctor and another nurse.After a while, Naoji came back, looking like he was about to cry.I sneaked to the restaurant with him.

"There's no hope at all, is there?"

"There is no cure." Naoji curled his lips and said with a sad smile, "He said he would become very weak all of a sudden, and he said it was either today or tomorrow, anyway..." Naoji said so, tears streaming down his face.

Instead, I calmed down and asked, "Should I send a telegram to my relatives and tell them about this?"

"I discussed it with my uncle. My uncle said that we can't invite many people here, after all, today is different. Even if everyone comes, we can't accommodate them. The house is too cramped. There is no reasonable hotel in this area. The Nagaoka Hot Spring Hotel will not reserve two or three rooms for us. In a word, we can no longer invite those famous people over, we have become poor. Uncle will come soon. But we can't count on He, he has always been so stingy. For example, last night, he only cared about scolding me, completely ignoring my mother's illness. From ancient times to the present, there is no one in the whole world who would repent after listening to the cheapskate's scolding. That guy said he was mom's younger brother, but he hated him so much, he couldn't compare to mom at all."

"I'm fine, you will still need to rely on your uncle's care in the future..."

"Forget it, instead of doing this, I might as well go begging... It's my sister who will rely on my uncle in the future."

"I... I'll find shelter." I cried again.

"Married? Have you found a man?"

"That's not the case."

"You're going to support yourself? Go out and get a job? Come on, come on!"

"I'm not going to support myself, I'm going to revolution."

"What did you say?" Naoji looked at me in surprise.

The nurse left behind by Dr. Miyake came to see me: "Madam seems to have something to ask for you."

I hurried to my mother's room and sat down beside her quilt.

"What's the matter?" I approached my mother and asked.

She hesitated.

"Do you want to drink water?" I asked.

Mother shook her head slightly in denial.Later, she said softly, "I was dreaming."

"Oh, what did you dream about?"

"I dreamed about a snake."

I was taken aback.

"Go to the stone slab where the shoes are placed at the bottom of the corridor. There should be a female snake with red patterns on its body."

I felt chills, got up immediately, and went to the corridor.Through the glass window, I saw a snake lying on the stone slab.It stretches its body and enjoys the autumn sunshine.Suddenly, I just felt dizzy.

"I know who you are! When I first saw you, you were neither so old nor so old, but you were the female snake whose eggs I burned. For your child, you must Take revenge on me. I have already tasted the taste of being revenged. Get out of here, get out of here!"

I stared at the snake and said in my heart.The snake was motionless.I didn't want the nurse to see the snake, and I couldn't explain why.I stomped hard.

"Mom, no! How can dreams be believed?" I shouted intentionally.

I'll look at the slate again.The snake finally moved, and began to crawl down the stone slab, very slowly.

Seeing this snake, I was finally sure that my mother's illness could not be cured.I heard that a snake also appeared when my father died, it was a little black snake, and it was entrenched next to his pillow.At that time, I also witnessed the scene of snakes coiled around the trees in the yard.

From morning to night, my mother has been lying on the bed, in a daze.She has no energy left to get out of bed, and nurses are taking care of everything.Three meals a day, she basically didn't eat anything.

After I saw the snake, I calmed down, as if my emotions had overcome the deepest sorrow, and instead gained a calmness similar to happiness. I don’t know if it’s appropriate to say that.From now on, I just want to spend the most time with my mother.

The next day, I started knitting, sitting next to my mother's pillow.I knit and sew much faster than anyone else, but the quality of the finished product is terrible.In order to prevent me from making mistakes, my mother often demonstrates step by step.On this day, I didn't have the mind to do knitting at all. The reason why I was busy taking out the woolen box was just to make myself look more natural by my mother's side.

My mother kept staring at my hands and asked, "Are you knitting yourself a sock? You need to knit eight more stitches to keep the sock from tightening on your feet."

When I was young, I couldn't weave well, and my mother's teaching was in vain.Right now, I feel as if I am a child again, distraught and ashamed.The time I spent with my mother is really nostalgic.Oh, from now on, it is impossible for my mother to teach me how to knit.When I think of this, I can't help but shed tears, and I can't even see the eye of the needle.

During the bedridden period, the mother did not seem to be very distressed.She hasn't eaten since this morning.From time to time, I moisten her lips with gauze soaked in tea.But she was very sober, and often spoke to me softly.

"Show me the newspaper with the picture of the Emperor."

I helped my mother open the page with the photo in the newspaper.

"The emperor is old."

"The photo was badly taken. The photos of the emperor these days are very dynamic, he looks very young. The emperor should be very happy to welcome the arrival of a new era."

"why?"

"Of course because the emperor was also relieved."

Mother laughed, a sad smile.After a long time, she said again: "Right now, the Emperor probably won't be able to cry even if he wants to."

I suddenly realized that my mother was very happy at the moment.isn't it?Happiness is like gold sand that sinks to the bottom of the river of sorrow, it shines brightly, doesn't it?There is a wonderful peace in man when there is great grief.If this is happiness, then the current emperor, mother, and I are indeed very happy.On an autumn morning, the surroundings are peaceful, and the yard is filled with soft sunlight.I looked at the shimmering sea at the level of my chest, and stopped knitting.

"Mom, I used to know too little about the world."

The nurse was getting ready for the IV in the corner of the room, and I was afraid that she would hear me, and stop there when she was about to go on.

"Before..." Mother showed a faint smile and deliberately asked back, "You mean, you are already proficient in the world?"

I blushed for some reason.

"I don't understand the world," the mother whispered, turning her face away, as if talking to herself, "I don't understand. Who can understand? Anyone at any age is just an ignorant child!"

Even so, I must live on.I may still be a child, but if I want to live in the future, I have to fight against the world, so I can no longer act like a baby.Oh, my mother is the last person in the world who ends her life beautifully and sadly without fighting, grabbing or complaining.From now on, there will be no such person in the world.In my opinion, dying people are beautiful.Continuing to survive in this world is extremely ugly, bloody, and despicable.In a daze, I saw a pregnant female snake drilling a hole in the tatami.But I still can't be reconciled, I must live on, fight against the world, and fulfill my wish, regardless of how shameless it is to live.Before long, my mother will leave this world.My romance, my sentimentality faded away, and I felt like I was turning into an animal, cunning and sinister inside.

It was just after noon, and I was beside my mother, moistening her lips.Uncle Wada and aunt rushed over from Tokyo and parked the car at the door.After entering the ward, my uncle sat next to my mother's pillow and said nothing.The mother stared at her uncle, covered the lower half of her face with a handkerchief and wept, but no tears flowed, and her face had a mournful expression like a puppet.

"Where's Naoji?" My mother looked at me later and asked.

I hurried to the western-style room on the second floor to find Naoji, who was lying on the sofa reading the latest magazine.

"Mom let you go." I said.

"Oh, I have to worry about it again. It's amazing that you can stand there without moving. Your nerves are numb and your emotions have disappeared. I am in too much pain, my body is weak, and my hot heart can't let it go. I cheer up and accompany my mother." He put on his jacket while talking, and came to the first floor with me.

We sat side by side next to my mother's pillow.My mother immediately pointed at Naoji from under the quilt, and then at me, then clasped her hands together forcibly towards my uncle, but couldn't say a word.

"Oh! I understand! I understand!" Uncle nodded vigorously.

Mother closed her eyes slightly, and put her hands back under the quilt, as if relieved.

I couldn't help crying.Naoji also lowered his head and sobbed.

The old doctor Miyake came over from Nagaoka right now and gave his mother an injection.

After seeing my uncle, my mother seemed to have nothing to worry about, and said to the doctor, "Doctor, let me be relieved earlier."

The old doctor and uncle exchanged glances, both of them had tears in their eyes, but they didn't speak.

I got up and went into the kitchen, cooking my uncle's favorite noodle soup.I filled four bowls of noodles and sent them to the living room to share among uncle, doctor, Naoji, and aunt.My uncle bought a ham sandwich from the Marunouchi Hotel in Tokyo and brought it over. I showed it to my mother and put it next to her pillow.

"Is there a lot of things to be busy?" My mother asked me in a low voice.

In the living room, everyone chatted for a while.My uncle and aunt gave me a sum of money. They have other things to do, so they have to go back to Tokyo tonight.Dr. Miyake asked the nurse in charge of taking care of his mother to make all preparations, and he himself had to rush back with another nurse.On this day, they all drove back to Tokyo.Because the doctor felt that my mother was clear-headed and her heart was not too weak, and she could fully rely on injections for four or five days.

I sent them off and went back to my mother's room.Mother smiled kindly.She can only have this smile when facing me.She seemed to be whispering to me, and asked again in a low voice: "Are you busy with a lot of things?"

Her face was full of life, almost radiant.It must be seeing her uncle that made her so happy, I thought to myself.

"There's nothing to be busy with!" I smiled at my mother and replied happily.

Unexpectedly, this was the last conversation with my mother.

The mother passed away about three hours later.The last noble lady in Japan, my beautiful mother, passed away just as the nurse was taking her pulse on this quiet autumn evening.My two closest relatives, Naoji and I, were watching over her.

After her death, her mother's face remained largely unchanged.After his father died, his face changed drastically.After her mother passed away, she just stopped breathing and her face didn't change at all.Because of this, we don't even know when she stopped breathing.Before that, the swelling on her face subsided, her skin was as smooth as wax, and her thin lips were slightly parted like a smile, more elegant than before.In my opinion, the mother is like the marble statue of "Pieta" Michelangelo: Jesus was crucified on the cross, and his mother, the Virgin Mary, wept bitterly while holding the body of her son.The Virgin Mary is almost the same.

六

The struggle has begun!

No matter what, I have to fight, not to be stuck in grief forever.Is this the new ethics?No, it would be hypocritical to say yes.This is love!Other than that, there is no other reason.Right now, I can only live on love, just as Rosa can only live on new economics.In order to expose the hypocrisy of the world's religionists, moralists, scholars, and rulers, Jesus revealed the truth of God's true love to the world.Without any hesitation, he also sent twelve disciples to various parts of the world.I do not think that the admonition he gave to his disciples before they departed is relevant to my present situation:
. . . Do not carry gold, silver, or copper coins in your pockets.Travel without a bag, without two coats, and without sandals and crutches... I send you as sheep among wolves, so be as dexterous as snakes, and as gentle as doves.Beware of men, for they will hand you over to the Sanhedrin and scourge you in their synagogues.And you will be sent before princes and kings for my sake...

When you are handed over, do not think about how to speak or what to say.At that time, the words to speak will be given to you.For you have not spoken it yourselves, but the Spirit of your Father has spoken it in you...and you will be hated by all for my name's sake.Only the one who endures to the end will be saved.If someone persecutes you in this city, flee to another city.I tell you the truth, before you have gone through all the cities of Israel, the Son of Man will arrive.

... Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; fear him who is the only one who can destroy both body and soul in hell...

Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace to the earth, but to bring swords to the earth.For I have come to alienate a man from his father, and a daughter from her mother, and a daughter-in-law from her mother-in-law.A man's enemies are his own family.Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Chapter 10 of "The Bible·New Testament·Matthew".

The struggle has begun!

If I vowed to strictly abide by these teachings of Jesus because of love, would I be blamed by Jesus?Since "love" is wonderful, why is "love" ugly?I don't see any difference between them.Someone who can destroy body and soul in hell for unreasonable love and love, and the grief they all cause... Oh, I dare say I am such a person.

We had a brief burial for my mother in Izu, and a formal funeral in Tokyo.Uncle and others helped us a lot.Afterwards, Naoji and I returned to live in Izu Mountain Villa. For some reason, we stopped talking to each other and got along very uncomfortable.Zhizhi took all of his mother's gems and sold them on the grounds that the publishing house needed money.He goes to Tokyo to drink every night, and returns to Izu Sanso the next day.When he came back, his face was pale, his feet staggered, and he slept all day.One day, he came home with a young dancing girl with a shameful expression on her face.

I asked: "Can I go to Tokyo today? I have a friend I haven't seen for a long time. I want to meet him. Maybe I will stay there for two or three nights. You can watch the door at home and ask the lady to help you." Cook."

With the dexterity of a snake, I grasped Naoji's weakness and exploited it.I packed my handbag with cosmetics, bread, stuff like that, and went to meet him in Tokyo, and it just came naturally.

When he arrived in the outskirts of Tokyo, he got off at the north exit of Ogikubo Station and walked for about 10 minutes to his new residence after the war.Before, I pretended to ask casually, and got the address from Naoji.

It's a cold day.When I got off the train at Ogikubo Station, it was already getting dark.Meeting a passerby, I gave the address and asked which direction to go.I wandered in the dark alleys in the suburbs for nearly an hour. I was so terrified that I couldn't help crying.There were small stones on the road, I tripped and the strap of my clog broke.I was at a loss and stood there in a daze.At this moment, I saw a simple house on the right, and there should be two families living in it.The house number of one family shone with a faint white light in the dark night, and the word "Uehara" was faintly visible.Although wearing clogs on one foot and cloth socks on the other, I ran quickly to the gate of the family.I can see clearly that the doorplate does say "Uehara Jiro".Looking at the room again, there is not even a little light.

I was stunned again, not knowing what to do next.After a while, I couldn't care about anything, I threw myself on the grid door of the porch, grabbed the grid and shouted, "Is there anyone? Mr. Uehara!"

I heard a woman respond.

Someone opened the door from the inside.In the dark hallway, I saw a smiling woman.She was three or four years older than me, and her narrow and long face had the charm of an ancient woman.

"Who are you?" Listening to her voice, there was no malice or guard.

"sorry, I……"

I didn't have the courage to say my name.Somehow, in the presence of this woman, my love shames me.

"Is Mr. Uehara not at home?" I asked in a cautious, almost humble tone.

"Not here," she looked at me, feeling sorry for me, "probably went out..."

"Have you traveled far?"

"No," she put one hand over her mouth, as if thinking it was very funny, "he went to Ogikubo. There's a tavern in front of Ogikubo Station, with a sign 'Shiraishi', you can find it by asking gone."

I was so happy I could jump up and down.

"Okay, I see." I was excited.

"Ah, the lace of your clog is broken."

Mrs. Uehara invited me to sit on a table in the entrance and handed me a leather rope.This is the so-called simple clog string, which can repair clogs quickly.After a while, I repaired the clogs.

While I was repairing my clogs, Mrs. Uehara lit a candle and sent it to the entrance to help me illuminate.

"Two lights at home happened to be out. There's nothing I can do about it. Lights are expensive now and they often go out. If my husband was home, he'd buy new ones. However, he hasn't been home since the night before yesterday. For the past three days, my children and I can only go to bed immediately after dark."

When she said these words, Mrs. Uehara was smiling without any worries.There was a girl standing behind her, about twelve or thirteen years old, very thin, with big eyes, who didn't seem to like meeting strangers.

haters!I have no hostility towards this lady and her daughter, but they will inevitably develop hostility and resentment towards me in the future.My love seems to have calmed down because of this.I hastily repaired the laces of my clogs and got up to dust off my hands.Suddenly, I felt very lonely, and I really wanted to run into the dark room, grab Mrs. Uehara's arm and cry bitterly.But how embarrassed am I when I'm done crying?As soon as I thought about it, I restrained myself.

"Thank you."

After thanking you respectfully, I braved the cold wind and left.I kept thinking, and the struggle had begun.Because for him, I love, like, and admire him.I'm from the bottom of my heart and I can't control it.His wife is indeed very good, and his daughter is also beautiful, but the reason why people exist is for love and revolution.So even if I have to accept God's judgment, I will not feel half guilty.I am by no means a bad person, so I will not be punished by God.I am so at ease, it is nothing more than because I love him from the bottom of my heart.I am willing to sleep two or three nights in the open, as long as I can see him.

After a while, I arrived at the Baishi Tavern in front of the station, but I didn't find him.

"He must be in Asagaya. Exit the north exit of Asagaya Station, walk about 150 meters forward, turn right when you see a hardware store, and walk about 50 meters to the Liushe Small Restaurant. There is a girl named Asher in the restaurant. For some time, Mr. Uehara has been very intimate with her. He drinks there every day and doesn’t come to our place anymore!”

I hurried to the station to buy a ticket and got on the tram bound for Tokyo.At Asagaya Station, I got out of the car, exited the North Exit, walked about 150 meters, found the hardware store, then turned right, and continued walking for about 50 meters to Yanasa.The store is very quiet and there are no drinkers in sight.

"Mr. Uehara just left, and brought Chidori who many people said was going to Xidi, and asked the proprietress to accompany him to drink until tomorrow morning!"

A girl told me.Compared with me, she is younger, more stable, more elegant, and more enthusiastic. Could it be that she is Asher who has been very intimate with Uehara recently?

"Chidori? Where is it in Xidi?"

I was disheartened, with tears in my eyes, and suddenly suspected that I had really gone crazy.

"I'm not very clear either. I've heard people say, take a bus to Xidiku Station, get off at the South Exit, and then walk to the left. Anyway, go there and ask the police and you'll understand. On weekdays, if he wants to drink, he won't Only go to one house, maybe go to another house first, and then go to Chidori!"

"I'll go to Chidori to have a look. Farewell!"

I went back to Asagaya Station by the same route, got on the bus bound for Tachikawa, passed through Ogikubo, then went to Nishi Ogikubo, and exited from the south exit.Facing the cold wind, I wandered around, finally found the police station, and asked the way to Chidori.According to the police, I hurried forward in the dark, and finally saw Chidori's blue lantern, and immediately opened the door and entered without any hesitation.

As soon as I entered the door, I entered a soil room, and the room connected to it was about ten square meters in size.The room was filled with smoke, and there was a large table on the floor. About ten people sat around the table, drinking and shouting loudly.Three girls mixed in, all smoking and drinking, and they were all younger than me.

I stood in the dirt and looked around, and when I found him, I felt like I was in a dream.Because of the absence of six years, he is different from before, like a completely changed person.

This is my rainbow, my MC, the one I live for?Six years later, he still has the same messy hair as before, but his hair has become very thin and reddish brown. His face is swollen and sallow, his eye sockets are rotten, his front teeth are missing, and his mouth is chewing badly. stop.He sat in a corner, hunched over like an old monkey.

A woman spotted me and gave Uehara-san a wink.He was still sitting there, just craning his neck to look at me, lifting his chin to let me come and sit down, with no expression on his face.As for the rest, they are still talking about it, as if they don't pay attention to me at all.Still, they squeezed out a seat for me, to the right of Mr. Uehara.

I sat there without saying a word.Uehara-san poured me a full glass of wine, and poured himself a full glass.

"Cheers!" he whispered, his voice hoarse.

"Guillotine, guillotine, Ziliuziliuzi." Someone took the lead in singing.

"Guillotine, guillotine, ziliuziliuzi." Another person immediately echoed.

The two clinked their wine glasses together vigorously and drank the wine in the glass.

Everyone in the room began to sing: "Guillotine, guillotine, ziliuziliuzi." The song seemed to be made up.

For a while, the sound of clinking glasses sounded one after another.From this point of view, they just want to increase the excitement of drinking by singing indiscriminately, so as to pour glasses of wine into their throats.

"Sorry, let's take a step first." A drunk person staggered away from here.

The new guest quickly filled his seat and pushed the crowd to sit down.Before sitting down, he nodded slightly to Mr. Xiangyuan.

"Mr. Uehara, there, Mr. Uehara, there, what should I say there? Yes, ah, or ah, ah?" Someone leaned out and asked Uehara.I remember seeing this person's performance. He is the drama actor Fujita.

"Yeah, ah. The tone is similar to ah, ah. Chidori's wine is not cheap." Mr. Uehara said.

"You only care about money," said a girl.

"Two sparrows sell for a copper coin. Is it expensive or cheap?" A young gentleman asked.

"The Bible says, 'If a penny is not paid, you will never get out of it'. It also gives an example, very complicated, to pay this person five talents and the ancient Greek currency unit. That person has two talents , and the third person is Tarranton. In this way, Christ is also very good at planning!" said another gentleman.

"The guy was also a drunkard. Lots of stories in the Bible have to do with alcohol. He even said 'look at these people who love wine!' Not 'drinking' but 'loving wine', which means he can drink a lot, You can drink at least one liter." The third gentleman said.

"All right! All right! Ah, ah, ah, ah, you are using Christ as a cover, for fear of violating morality. Qianhui, cheers again! Guillotine, guillotine, sizzling, sizzling."

When he said this, Mr. Uehara clinked glasses vigorously with the youngest and most beautiful lady, and drank the wine in the glass in one gulp.Drink dripped from the corner of his mouth to his chin.He was very angry, wiped it with his palm casually, and sneezed five or six times in succession.

I quietly got up and went into the next room.The proprietress was in the room, she was pale and very thin.I asked her where the toilet was.After using the toilet, I returned to the original room.The youngest and most beautiful lady, Qianhui, seemed to be waiting for me, because she was standing at the door.

"Are you hungry?" she asked me, with a kind smile on her face.

"I'm a little hungry, but it's okay, I have bread."

"Poor hospitality," said the sickly proprietress, who was sitting lazily by the long brazier, "get something to eat in this room. Those drunkards won't eat all night, don't wait for them. Sit down, please." Come here. Qianhui, come here too."

"Hey! Ah Juan, I've run out of wine." A gentleman shouted from the next room.

"alright, alright!"

Ajuan is a waitress in her thirties, wearing a nice striped kimono.She came out of the kitchen with ten flagon jugs on a tray.

"Wait," the proprietress called Ajuan, "leave two jugs of wine."

The proprietress smiled and continued, "Ajuan, please go to the street behind and order two bowls of udon noodles from Bell House. The sooner the boss, the better."

Qianhui and I sat side by side by the brazier to keep warm.

"It's getting colder every day, so let's put your hands under the quilt. Want to drink?"

The proprietress poured a glass of wine into her teacup, and poured wine into the other two teacups.

The three of us toasted without speaking to each other.

Then, the proprietress inexplicably said something very meaningful: "You all drink very well."

The door of the store was opened and rattled.

"Mr. Uehara, I sent you the money!" A young man said, "I can't help it. Our manager is so stubborn. I asked him for [-] yuan, but it took me a lot of effort to get [-] yuan."

"Is it a check?" Mr. Uehara said hoarsely.

"No, it's cash, sorry!"

"Okay, I'll write you a receipt."

While the two were talking, the rest kept singing "Guillotine, Guillotine, Ziliuziliuzi" and clinked glasses with each other.

"Where is Ah Zhi?" The proprietress asked Qian Hui with a serious expression.

I froze with horror.

"How would I know? I'm not in charge of guarding him." Qian Hui blushed in panic, looking very lovable.

"He used to be with Mr. Uehara, is there a conflict recently?" the proprietress asked calmly.

"I heard that he has been addicted to dancing these days, and he seems to have found a dancing girl as his girlfriend."

"A Zhi is too shameless, not only drinking, but also playing with women!"

"It was all brought down by Mr. Uehara."

"Compared to Mr. Uehara, Ah Zhi is even more outrageous. A son of a declining nobleman like him..."

"Hey," I felt that my continued silence was being rude to them, so I interrupted with a smile, "I'm Naoji's older sister."

The proprietress seemed taken aback and looked at me carefully.

Qian Hui was very calm and said, "You two look alike. I just saw you in a dark place in the earth, and I thought it was Ah Zhi standing there, and I was frightened."

"That's the case." The proprietress's tone suddenly became very polite, "You really thought about finding such a poor place, and I'm really sorry... In this way, you knew Mr. Uehara before?"

"Yes, I saw it once, it was six years ago..." I was about to cry, I hung my head and was speechless.

"Is everyone waiting in a hurry?" The waitress came back with a smile on her face.

"Eat it while it's hot," said the proprietress.

"Thank you!"

In the heat of the noodle soup, I buried my head in eating the noodles, sizzling.I seem to have a personal experience of what is the most miserable state in life.

"Guillotine, guillotine, ziliuzizizi. Guillotine, guillotine, ziliuzizizi."

Humming the song in a low voice, Mr. Uehara came to our room, sat cross-legged beside me, and made a muffled sound.Afterwards, he handed the proprietress a large envelope without saying a word.

The proprietress put the envelope directly into the drawer of the brazier without opening it to see what was inside.

"That's just a little bit, and the rest of the account has to be settled." The proprietress laughed.

"I will. Pay the rest of the bill next year."

"This is what you always do."

Take 1 yuan to buy electric lights, how many lights can you buy?If I can get this much money, I can live a good life for a year.

Oh, these people are not doing it right.But without drinking, they have nothing to love.This should be the same reason as I was dazzled by love.If it is said that after birth, people have to try their best to survive, then it seems that others should not despise their efforts to survive.To survive, to survive, oh, to survive is a gigantic project, unbearable, suffocating!
"Anyway..." a gentleman next door said, "From now on, if you want to live in Tokyo, you must learn to greet people naturally, and make such extremely frivolous greetings a habit. We must let us do this." This kind of person has the virtues of honesty, honesty, etc. What is the difference between pulling the foot of the hanged man down? Honest? Honest? Pooh! How can you survive on these alone? There were three options left: go to the countryside to farm, commit suicide, or let women support themselves."

"Some people are so pitiful that they don't know any of these three things, so there is only the last choice..." Another gentleman continued, "Jiro Uehara treats guests, and we will drink to our heart's content all night long!"

"Guillotine, guillotine, ziliuzizizi. Guillotine, guillotine, ziliuzizizi."

"You haven't found a place to stay overnight, have you?" Mr. Uehara asked in a low voice, as if talking to himself.

"Ask me?" Sensing an attitude bordering on hostility, I became wary, and I raised my head like a snake ready to fight an enemy.

"It's very cold today, can you sleep in the same room with everyone and make do with it?" Mr. Uehara muttered, turning a blind eye to the anger on my face.

"How can this be? She won't be able to bear it," put in the landlady.

"Tsk tsk," Mr. Uehara smacked his lips, "Then what are you doing here?"

I never spoke.After a while, I found out from his tone that he had really read my letter and loved me deeply.

"It's too difficult. Why don't you go to Fukui for help. How about Qianhui taking her there? No, it's dark, and it's too dangerous for two women to go out... It's not easy. Madam boss, please send her clogs to The back door of the kitchen, don't disturb the others. I'll take her there."

It was late at night, the wind was slightly weaker, and the sky was full of stars.We walked out the door, shoulder to shoulder.

"I can huddle with everyone for the night, it's all right."

"Oh." Mr. Uehara replied lazily.

"You just want to be alone with me, don't you?" At this point, I smiled.

"Because of this, it takes a lot of trouble. It's too much." Mr. Uehara smiled bitterly, his mouth tilted to the side.

He loves me very much, and I feel that deeply.

"You drink so much. Do you drink every night?"

"That's right, start drinking it early in the morning."

"Is the wine good?"

"Of course it doesn't taste good."

I don't know why, but when I heard Mr. Uehara say this, I couldn't help feeling horrified.

"How is your job?"

"It's not going well. Everything I do is very boring, almost sad, and I can't do anything. The twilight of life, the twilight of art, and the twilight of human beings are all posturing!"

"Utrillo Maurice Utrillo (1883-1955), a famous talented French painter, had a habit of drinking in his youth." I blurted out, almost a subconscious reaction.

"Oh, Utrillo, I heard that guy is still alive. He has become a living corpse due to alcoholism, and his works in the past ten years have been ugly vulgar works."

"Except for Utrillo, the other famous painters are also..."

"Yes, it's all destroyed. The new shoots are dead. Frost, frost, this unnatural frost seems to be all over the world."

Uehara-san gently hugged my shoulders and wrapped his coat sleeves around my body.I leaned on him and walked slowly, without any resistance.

The trees on the side of the road have lost all their leaves, and their branches are sharp, piercing towards the sky.

"How beautiful the branches are." I couldn't help admiring, as if talking to myself.

"Oh, flowers with dark branches." Mr. Uehara said, showing a slight embarrassment.

"No, this bare branch, without flowers, leaves or buds, is just what I like. It is not a dead branch, it has life."

"Nature is the only thing that never dies, right?" He sneezed several times as he said this.

"You have a cold?"

"No, no. I have a strange problem. When I drink to a certain point, I will sneeze and can't stop. It's like testing a drunken instrument."

"And what about love?"

"What did you say?"

"Do you have someone to love? A woman who can bring you to the top, too."

"What's that? Don't make fun of me. Women are not easy to deal with. Guillotine, guillotine, sizzling. Actually, there is one, no, half."

"Have you read my letter?"

"Looked."

"What about your reply?"

"Nobles are very arrogant and disgusting. I hate them very much. For example, your brother A Zhi, he is a very good nobleman, but he often behaves arrogantly, which makes people unbearable. I was born as a farmer. Passing by the shore, I will recall my childhood memories, including fishing crucian carp in the small river in my hometown, catching trevally with fishing nets, etc. So I have a lot of feelings.”

In the dark night, we are walking on the bank of the river with the murmur of water.

"But for our sorrow, you nobles don't understand it, and you still feel contemptuous."

"Isn't Turgenev a nobleman?"

"Yes, therefore, I don't like him very much."

"But "Hunter's Notes"..."

"Oh, that's his only good work."

"The content is exactly the sadness of country life..."

"To take a step back, that guy should belong to the country nobles."

"Now, I'm also a farmer, growing vegetables. I belong to the rural poor."

"Then do you still love me? Do you still want to have a baby with me?" He said very rudely.

I am silent.

He leaned towards my face like a rock avalanche, and kissed me wildly and frantically, his kiss was full of lust.I endured his kiss and couldn't help but shed tears.Bitter tears continued to flow from my eyes, as if with a feeling of humiliation and remorse.

We continue walking shoulder to shoulder.

"It's not good, I'm in love with you." He smiled.

I frowned and closed my mouth, unable to laugh again.

Nothing can be done!
That's how I describe my feelings in words.I found myself dragging my clogs along indiscriminately.

"It's not good!" he said again, "It's better to be where you go."

"Don't talk nonsense."

"You guys are real."

Mr. Uehara punched me on the shoulder and sneezed loudly.

Mr. Fukui's family seemed to have fallen asleep, and the room was pitch-black.

"There is a telegram! There is a telegram! Mr. Fukui, receive the telegram!" Mr. Uehara yelled while knocking on the door.

"Is it Uehara?" A man's voice sounded from inside the door.

"That's right. The prince and princess are here to spend the night! It's too cold today, and I'm sneezing non-stop. It's almost a joke to elope for love."

Someone opened the door from the inside.An elderly man came out to entertain us.He was a bald, short man in his fifties, dressed in fancy pajamas, with a strange, shy smile.

"Thank you."

After saying this to him, Mr. Uehara hurried into the house without taking off his cloak.

"The studio can't be lived in, it can freeze to death. Lend me the second floor, let's go!"

He took my hand and walked deep into the corridor, up the stairs, into a dark room, and turned on the switch in the corner.

"Like a restaurant."

"Oh, that's what upstarts like. He's just a bad painter and he doesn't deserve a house like that. But the bad guys are lucky that the house survived the air raids. It's incredible. We should come over more often .Come on, go to sleep, go to sleep."

He opened the closet, took out the bedding and spread it out, just like in his own home.

"You rest here! I have to go, and I will pick you up tomorrow morning! Go down the stairs, and the toilet is on the right."

He ran down the stairs until the stairs creaked and then there was no sound.

I turned out the lamp and took off my velvet coat.This was bought for me by my father from abroad.I undid my obi and fell asleep in my kimono.After a while, I fell asleep.Probably because of exhaustion, and drinking some wine, I have no energy in my whole body.

The man came to sleep next to me at some point... I resisted for nearly an hour, but didn't speak.Then, I gave up my resistance because I felt pity for him.

"Do you have to do this to feel relieved?"

"seems like it."

"Are you sick? Are you coughing up blood?"

"How do you know? I did cough up a lot of blood a few days ago, but I didn't tell anyone."

"I smell a smell from you, which is the smell of my mother before she died."

"It's all because I drink too much. It seems to me that it is too sad to live in this world. This deep sorrow is not a leisurely mood such as sorrow or loneliness. There are heavy sighs everywhere, and in this case, Where can we have our own happiness? What kind of emotions do people have when they realize that they can’t get happiness and glory in this life? The so-called hard work is just because hungry beasts need food. There are so many people They're all in a bleak situation... Do you think I'm showing off?"

"Do not."

"As you said in your letter, love is enough."

"really?"

My love is no more.

The light in the room is getting brighter.He sleeps next to me and I watch his face.It is a face of the dying, written with weariness.

This face also belonged to the victim, the noble victim.

the one i love.my rainbow.my child.A hateful person.cunning man.

This face is unique in the world in my heart, and it is extremely beautiful.I fell in love with him all over again and my heart was beating wildly.I stroked his hair and offered to kiss him.

In the end, I got my tragic love.

Mr. Uehara hugged me, but did not open his eyes.

"I haven't replied to you for a long time because I came from a farming family and feel ashamed."

I will never be able to leave him.

"Right now, I feel very happy. My happiness has reached the extreme, even if there are laments everywhere, it can't affect me. I am so happy that I almost sneeze." Mr. Uehara said with a smile, "Unfortunately, it is dusk, too late."

"It's early morning!"

Early this morning, my brother Naoji committed suicide.

Seven

Naoji's suicide note.

elder sister:

I'm leaving first, I can't take it any longer.

Why should I live?I really don't understand.

People who want to live can continue to live.

People have the right to live, and they should also have the right to die.

This point of view has been around for a long time.It's just that people in the world are very taboo about this natural and primitive thing, and they are unwilling to speak out directly.

Those who want to live must live strong. This is a wonderful thing, and they will get the glory of the world.However, in my opinion, asking for death is not a sin.

I think it is difficult for me, a weak grass, to survive in the air and sunshine of the world.Continuing to exist in the world requires something that I don't have.I did everything in my power to survive until now.

After high school, I started hanging out with people from different backgrounds.They are strong and unyielding grass, I don't want to surrender to their momentum.In order to resist them, I drugged myself to become insane.Later, I was drafted into the Army and continued to use drugs as a last resort.What kind of mood I am, my sister probably won't understand.

I wish to make myself a vulgar person, a powerful person, no, a tyrannical person.Because in my opinion, this is the only way to become friends with civilians.I must keep myself in a state of confusion for a long time, and for this I must resort to drugs, because alcohol alone is not enough.I must forget my own family, rebel against my father's blood, against my mother's elegance, and treat my sister with indifference.I have always believed that these things must be done in order to be eligible to enter the people's homes.

My person and my words have become vulgar.But half, no, sixty percent of it was my pathetic imitation, my petty little trick.In the eyes of ordinary people, I am still hypocritical, arrogant, and weird, and they have no sincerity in dealing with me.However, it is impossible for me to go back to the salon I gave up.Now, even if [-]% of my vulgarity is imitation, [-]% of my vulgarity is real vulgarity.The disgusting aristocratic qualities of the salons of high society make me sick and unbearable.This vulgar and barbaric image of me would also shock the so-called dignitaries of the upper class, and they would expel me immediately.Among the common people, I got only a malicious and respectful auditorium.At the same time, I can't go back to the world I gave up.

I am just a grass with no ability to earn a living and has defects. Maybe no matter what era I am in, I can only usher in the fate of self-destruction. Where can I talk about thinking?But the situation I perceive makes it hard for me to live, so I have to say something.

"Humans are all the same!"

Does this count as thinking?In my opinion, the person who said this unbelievable sentence is not a religious man, a philosopher or an artist.This sentence is a product of the common people's tavern. The time and identity of the speaker are unknown, and it burst out like a maggot, turning the world into chaos.

This strange statement has nothing to do with democracy or Marxism.Undoubtedly, this is a verbal attack by an ugly man against a handsome man in a tavern due to anxiety and jealousy, and it is not thought at all.

Jealous swearing in taverns can be packaged as thought, and it is popular among the public in an open manner.Originally, this sentence had nothing to do with democracy or Marxism, but it was often associated with political thought and economic thought. It was shameless to show up in disguise.Disguising such nonsense as thought, even Mephistopheles directs Faust's soul to the evil devil.Everyone will feel ashamed of their conscience and hesitate.

"Humans are all the same!"

This sentence is really humble. It looks down on others and on yourself. It makes people give up all efforts and lose all dignity.Marxism has never said that "all human beings are the same", and its view is that laborers have the highest status.Democracy doesn't say that either, it's concerned with the dignity of the individual.No one but a pimp will say, "Hey, everyone is the same, but you're just putting on a show!"

Why do you say that all humans are the same?Why can't you mention great people?This is the slave's bad nature taking revenge!

To me, this sentence is really wretched and scary.Because of it men fear one another, every thought is raped, effort is ridiculed, happiness is denied, beauty is trampled upon, and glory is insulted.It is this unbelievable sentence that gave rise to all the "panic of the century".

For this sentence, on the one hand, I was disgusted, and on the other hand, I was so frightened by its threat that my whole body trembled. I lacked confidence in doing anything, was full of apprehension, trembling, and didn't know how to live.In order to get a moment of peace, I drank and took drugs to get myself to this situation.

Am I very weak?Is it a badly flawed grass?Those pimps might laugh at me: "Born to be a fun-loving, lazy, lustful dandy, and making up so many excuses." I used to be silent and ashamed to admit it when others said that, but now I'm dying to leave a word of protest.

sister.

please believe me!
I indulge in pleasures all day long, but I am not happy at all.I may be a happy impotence sufferer.I am so indulgent and depraved, just to get rid of the aristocratic atmosphere that has always haunted me.

sister.

What crime have we committed?Is the charge our noble birth?Do we have to live with guilt and guilt just because we were born in this kind of family, like Judas' family?

If it weren't for missing my mother's love, I would have died long ago.When I think about it, I can't kill myself.Man has the right to live and the right to die.But as long as my mother is still alive, if I don't want to kill my mother, I can't exercise the right to die.

Now, no one will be saddened by my death.No, sister, I know how sad you will be when I die.However, you still give up this false sadness, it's unnecessary!When you receive the news of my death, you will cry bitterly, but think about the suffering I have suffered in this world, think about the happiness I will reap after completely getting rid of this hateful life, and you will gradually forget the pain .

Some people will accuse me of not cherishing life and think that I should try to live.These people just pretend to gossip and never give me any help.With the audacity of these great men, they would encourage the Emperor to open a fruit shop.

sister.

Death is a good thing for me.I don't have the ability to survive, or compete with others for money.I can't even take advantage of it.When I eat and drink with Mr. Uehara, I always pay the bill myself.Uehara-san dislikes me quite a bit, and thinks it is the boring self-esteem of nobles.But the reason why I do this is not to maintain my self-esteem.It's horrible that I can't spend his hard earned money drinking and playing with women.I have always said that this is based on respect for Mr. Uehara's work.Of course I'm lying, why would I?I am also at a loss.I am very afraid of being invited to eat and drink, and I don't know why.What made me suffer even more was that the money that others used to hire me was earned by their ability.

Because of this, I can only ask my family to give me money, or pawn my own things.Mom and sister were sad, and I wasn't happy either.The so-called establishment of a publishing house is just a cover-up, and I have no such plans at all.I didn't even dare to invite others to treat me. If I really wanted to set up a publishing house, I couldn't make any money.No matter how stupid I am, I still have this self-knowledge.

sister.

We have nothing left.I've always felt that I was born to treat others to food and drink, and now I have to live on other people's handouts, which is really unexpected.

sister.

I have been reduced to such a field, why should I continue to live?I can't take it any longer.I want to die.When I was in the army, I got some medicine that made me die so easy.

How will my sister live in the future?I wasn't worried at all, since my sister was so beautiful (I was always proud of my mother and sister's beauty) and so smart.I don't have the right to worry about this, otherwise I will feel extremely ashamed like sympathizing with others after hurting them.I think my sister will definitely get married and have children, and be supported by her husband.

sister.

For a long time, I have kept a secret in my heart.

I kept this secret for many years.I've always thought of her, even in war.I have dreamed about her countless times, and when I woke up, I realized it was just a dream, and wept.

I can't say her name to anyone, or I'd rather have my mouth rot.Right now, I'm dying, and I feel like I should at least share my secret with my sister.But I still can't say her name, for fear that if I say it, it will cause bad consequences.

But I have a premonition that if I die with this secret, after being cremated, this part of my heart will still remain, giving off a stench.Because of this, I was full of anxiety, and finally made up my mind to only tell my sister, and to use the roundabout and vague fictional way of writing novels.But this kind of fiction is just replacing her name with letters, and it's just a slight cover-up. My sister will definitely guess her real identity immediately.

Sister, do you recognize her?
You probably haven't seen it, but my sister probably knows her existence.She is a little older than her sister, with single eyelids and raised eye corners, and her hair is often combed into a common drop, and she has never been permed once.She was wearing old clothes, but she was very clean.She is married to a middle-aged painter husband.Her husband quickly became famous after the war published many popular paintings.The painter was very rude and uninhibited.His wife kept a gentle smile on her face and didn't care what her husband did.

"Then I'm leaving." I said, standing up.

She also stood up and walked to me, not guarding me at all.

"Why?" She looked up at me, her voice was neither high nor low.

She tilted her head slightly and stared into my eyes with doubts, but without any evil or pretense.In the past, when I met a woman's eyes, I always looked away in a hurry.Only this time, I didn't feel shy at all.Our faces are about a foot apart.For the full 60 seconds or more, I stared into her eyes and was delighted.

Finally, I smiled and said, "But..."

"He'll be back in a little while," she said, still serious.

I suddenly remembered that the so-called sincerity should be this kind of expression.The stereotyped virtues promoted by books that teach people how to cultivate their bodies and minds are not sincere at all.The true virtue of sincerity is that cute look, isn't it?
"I'll come back later."

"Really?"

Our conversation was uneventful from beginning to end.One summer afternoon I visited the painter at his apartment.The painter went out, and his wife asked me to wait inside, saying he would be back later.I went to the house and read the magazine for half an hour, but I still didn't wait for the gentleman.I got up to say good-bye to Madame, a trivial thing like that.But I fell in love with her eyes from then on, and I was crazy in love.

Her eyes might be called noble.Of all the aristocrats I've met, only my mother has her unguarded "sincere" eyes, and I'm sure of that.

Then, one winter evening, I became obsessed with her wonderful silhouette.It was still at the painter’s apartment, and the painter and I put our feet on the kotatsu and drank wine from that morning.With the help of wine, we joked about those people in the Japanese cultural circle and laughed.Afterwards, the painter got drunk, lay down and snored and fell asleep.I also lay down to take a nap, and vaguely felt that someone had gently covered me with a blanket.

Opening my eyes slightly, I saw the artist's wife sitting in front of the window with her daughter in her arms under the clear blue sky in Tokyo's winter evening.Against the blue and pure sky, the lady's beautiful and dignified profile looked like a sharp-edged Renaissance portrait.There was nothing seductive or lustful about her care as she rolled the blanket gently over me.Oh, the word "humanity" only comes to life if you use it for a split second, right?She is almost an unconscious way to show the indispensable compassion of human nature.She stared into the distance, silent, like a portrait.

I close my eyes.Love made waves in my heart.My tears welled up, and even my closed eyelids couldn't stop them.I hastily pulled the blanket over my head.

sister.

I often visit the painter's house.At the beginning, I was fascinated by his unique painting method and the passionate passion like the crucifixion hidden in his works.But as time went by and our relationship got deeper and deeper, I discovered another side of him--rude, indulgent, and obscene.In turn, I was fascinated by the kindness of his wife—no, I had an admiration for this really kind woman, I wanted to see her, and I couldn't suppress the feeling.So, I kept visiting the painter so that I could meet her.

Today, I even feel that if the artist’s works have more or less noble artistic temperament, it must be because of the kindness of his wife.

Now, at last, I can honestly say what I think of the painter.He was at best a businessman, drunk, lustful, and opportunistic.In order to keep up with the trend, he smeared the paint on the canvas with affectation, and then sold it at a high price to make money for his own entertainment.All he had was the brazen self-assurance of a countryman and the treachery of a businessman.

Most of the works of other painters, whether foreign or Japanese, he knew nothing about.He didn't even know what he had drawn.He was just smearing paint on the canvas for money and pleasure.

It is astonishing that he should have no doubts, no shame, no fear of his own absurdity.

If he didn't know what he had painted, how could he know what others had painted?Therefore, he has always been arrogant.Okay, let's not talk about this person.

All in all, he's pretty depraved.He often complained that he was suffering, but the truth was that this stupid countryman was lucky to succeed in the city he had long dreamed of.This was something he had never dared to imagine before.He was complacent and began to squander his days.

I once said to him: "If my friends don't study hard and just play, but I stay at home alone to study, I will be ashamed, afraid, and unable to concentrate on my studies. Because of this, I will definitely join in when my friends play, even if I am alone. Not willing."

The middle-aged painter said: "Is this so? Is this the so-called aristocratic temperament? I can't bear it. When I see others playing, I will have a good meal, otherwise I will suffer a lot."

His tone was nonchalant.From then on, I began to despise him from the bottom of my heart.He is the real dude.Not only did he not have any anxiety about living an unrestrained life, but he was proud of it.

Let's stop here about him.I said that these bad things about him have nothing to do with my sister.In addition, recalling my long association with him before I died, I no longer felt any resentment towards him, and I couldn't help but start thinking about him, almost wanting to visit him one last time.Furthermore, he is also very lonely, and he has many advantages.

I was obsessed with his wife, lost my soul, and suffered for her, and there was only one person I could tell my sister about.So after learning about this matter, my sister can't mention it to anyone, and don't try to help my brother fulfill his last wish, and do stupid things with good intentions.I just let my sister understand these things alone, and silently said "that's how it is" in my heart.I only have a little delusion, that is, let my sister hear these shameful confessions and have a deeper understanding of the suffering I have suffered in the past.In this way, I have no regrets.

I once had a dream where I was holding hands with the lady, and she said she liked me early in the morning.When I woke up, I could still feel the warmth of her fingers on my palm.I think I should be satisfied and relieved.I am not afraid of violating morality, but I have a deep fear of the painter who is already half-mad, no, almost completely insane.I hoped to transfer the fire in my heart to other places and stop thinking about her, so I started hanging out with all kinds of women.As long as it is a woman, I basically will not refuse.I was so depraved that the painter frowned at me one night.I tried my best to pretend that nothing had happened, trying to escape from the phantom of the lady and forget about her.I failed.Because a man like me can only accommodate one woman in his heart.None of the lady's female friends seemed to me handsome or lovable, of which I am quite sure.

sister.

Let me write her name before I die: Suga.

The lady's name.

When I came back to the Hills yesterday, I brought back a dancer I didn't like at all (she was born stupid).I didn't bring her back because I was going to kill myself this morning.I was planning to commit suicide recently, but I brought her back because she asked me to take her on a trip. I thought it would be a good idea to go back to the villa with this stupid woman for two or three days. After all, I have lived enough in Tokyo.So I brought her back, ignoring the trouble it would cause my sister.My sister suddenly said that she would go to Tokyo to find friends and stay there for a few days, and I immediately thought that I could take this opportunity to commit suicide.

A long time ago, I wanted to commit suicide in the deepest room of the former residence in Nishikatacho.If I die on the street or in the wilderness, my body will be turned over by onlookers, so I don't want to die in those places.Now that the old residence in Nishikatacho has been sold, I have no choice but to die in the villa.However, if my sister first found out that I had committed suicide, how surprised and frightened she would be.When I think about it, I feel too stressed to kill myself at night when it's just me and my siblings.

Therefore, now is a great opportunity to commit suicide.My sister is not here, and after I commit suicide, the first person to find me will be this retarded dancing girl.Last night, I had a drink with her, arranged for her to rest in a western-style room on the second floor, and then went to the first floor alone to lay a mattress in the big room where my mother lived when she died, and wrote this miserable suicide note with my own hands.

Sister, I am completely disappointed in life.farewell!

In the final analysis, my death is a natural death. After all, people who only have thoughts will not die.

I have one more request, which is embarrassing to say.Isn't my sister going to change a linen kimono left by my mother so that I can wear it next year?I want to wear this kimono and put it in my coffin.

It's almost dawn.My sister has suffered all these years for me.

farewell!Last night's drinking was over, and I was very sober when I killed myself.

Say goodbye again!

sister.

I am noble!

Eight

I had a dream!In my dream, I was alone and walking alone.

I held the funeral for Naoji, and lived alone in the winter villa for a month after that.

I wrote him a letter, which will probably be the last.When I write, I am very calm.

You seem to have abandoned me, no, gradually forgotten me.

However, I am very happy because I am pregnant and I got my wish.Right now, I feel that I have nothing, but with the little life in my belly, I will have happiness in my lonely life.

I will never think that I did wrong, and I will never be ashamed of it.Lately, I've been thinking more clearly about how things like war, peace, trade, unions, and politics come into this world.You don't know it yet, do you?That's why you're always out of luck.Listen to me, these things are all there to make women have good babies.

From the very beginning, I didn't have any hope for your personality and sense of responsibility.For me, it's just a matter of success in my desperate love adventure.For the moment, my wish has been fulfilled, and my mind is as peaceful as a swamp in a forest.

In my opinion, I have won.

The child Mary gave birth to was not her husband's flesh and blood, but as long as she was proud of it, she and the child would become the Virgin and Child.

I don't care about the old morality at all, my only wish has been fulfilled, I have a good child.

You're going to be living a depraved life, drinking and singing "Guillotine, guillotine, zizizizi" with gentlemen and girls, just like the last time we saw each other, won't you?You are fighting your last battle in this way, so it is not my intention to persuade you to change your life.

I don't want to say those boring polite words, such as quit drinking quickly, cure your disease, live a long life, and have a successful career.Rather than "prosperous", I hope that you will be desperate to indulge in this life of idleness, and posterity may thank you for it.

Victims, victims of the moral transition, of which you and I are a part.

Where exactly is the revolution?At least the old morals around us are still holding us back, without any change.The waves on the sea surface were rolling, but the bottom of the sea was motionless, as if very timid.In this case, revolution is simply delusional.

But I feel that in the first round of the battle that is over, I have defeated the old morality to some extent.In the following days, I will participate in the second and third rounds of fighting with my children.

By bearing and raising a child for the one I love, I have completed my own moral revolution.Even if you forget me or die of alcoholism, I will live strong enough to complete my revolutionary cause.

Not long ago, I heard many things from other people, and I learned about the despicableness of your personality.But I can become so strong, the rainbow of revolution can appear in my heart, and I can find the goal of survival, all because of you.

I am so proud of you.In the future, I will teach my children to be proud of you too.

The illegitimate child and his mother.

We will always fight against the old morality, we will continue to live, just like the sun.

How about this?You have to keep fighting.

The revolution has not yet begun, and more sacrifices have to be made. These sacrifices are regrettable, but they are also very precious.

Today, the most beautiful thing in the world is the victim.

And a young victim!
Mr. Uehara.

I have no demands on you.But in the end, I would like to ask you to promise one thing, and it is all for the sake of that young victim.

I want to ask your wife to hug my baby, one time is enough.I will tell her: "This child was born by Naoji with a certain woman." Please don't stop me then.

Why am I making this request?I don't want to tell anyone.No, even I don't understand why.But you must agree.You must agree, and it is all for the sake of the little victim, whose name is Naoji.

You should be unhappy, so please bear with me for now.Assuming this is the only unreasonable little request of the woman you abandoned and forgotten, please agree to it and let me fulfill my wish.

MC, My Comedian means My Comedian.

Showa 22 February [-]th
(End of this chapter)