Human disqualification

Chapter 6
I've been fighting alone, and now it always feels like I might lose, so I'm depressed.It was impossible for me to bow down to those who looked down on me, let alone join them.So I can only fight alone while drinking bad wine.

What is my battle?It is a struggle against the old, against the hypocrisy that people have come across, against flattery, but also against villains and miserly people.

I swear to the Lord, I have lost everything for this battle.I'm addicted to drinking now and feel like I'm going to lose at any moment.

There are some people who stick to the same old routine and never let go. Such people are really hateful.When they encounter problems, they only know to move out a bunch of rotten theories, criticize those sprouts that are trying to germinate, and pretend to be innocent afterwards.Even if you are going through wind and rain, they will not waver in the slightest.They are very stingy with money and life. In order to highlight their talents, they do not hesitate to please their wives and children, and woo others to bully those who are fighting alone.

I can't hold on anymore.

When I was drinking outside the other day, three elderly scholars suddenly sat next to me.I had never met them, let alone knew them, but they suddenly surrounded me and began to criticize my novel with a mouthful of alcohol.I don't like people talking nonsense with alcohol.At that time, I listened to their condemnation with a smile on my face.When I got home and had dinner, the more I thought about it, the angrier I became. Finally, I just threw away the bowls and chopsticks and cried to my wife.

"This group of people is too much to have fun with what I've worked so hard to write. They're ten years older than me, maybe even 20 years old, and they only know how to condemn me. This is to destroy me. How despicable, really Sly, I've had enough! I'll never give them a good look in the future. Even if they are my seniors, I can't indulge them blindly. It's really too much."

The more I cried, the more aggrieved I felt, and in the end I frightened my wife: "Go and rest for a while."

She helped me onto the bed.I was still crying in bed, full of annoyance.

I don't want to live a life like this again, and it's especially sad to be born a man.No matter what comes your way, be prepared to fight, and no matter what, you have to win.

After crying for a few days, a young reporter from a certain magazine came to my house and said a lot of strange things to me.

"There are many homeless people in Ueno, are you interested in meeting them?"

"tramp?"

"Yes, I want to take some group photos."

"Is there a picture of me with the homeless?"

"Correct."

The attitude of the other party is very calm, and the tone is very sure.

Why are you looking for me?Do people think of homeless people when they mention Dazai, and Dazai when they mention homeless people?
"Okay, I'll go."

At that time, I had just finished arguing, and my anger was not smooth, and I just wanted to confront the other party.

I got up and put on my suit, urging the young reporter to leave.

It was very cold that morning, and I walked on the road with a heavy heart, blowing my nose with a handkerchief from time to time.

The young man took me to take the provincial line from Mitaka Station to Tokyo Station, and then changed to the city line to their headquarters.I went to the reception room and they brought out a bottle of whiskey to entertain me.

The other party should know Dazai's character. If he doesn't drink alcohol, he won't be able to have a good conversation with those homeless people.Although I am not a good drinker, this was the first time I drank whiskey alone.I've had a lot of weird drinks in the past, and this one seemed particularly weird.The label on the bottle looks quite foreign, but the wine inside is a little cloudy, which can be called a bottle of whiskey cloudy rice wine.

However, I still insist on drinking.A lot of reporters gathered in the reception room, and I invited them to have a drink together, but all of them refused with a smile.I've heard it said that these journalists can drink very well, but now they won't take a sip.It seems that these people don't like whiskey turbid rice wine either.

I was very drunk.

"What are you doing? Don't you think it's too much to entertain guests with this kind of wine that you don't even drink?"

Those reporters heard me say these words with a smile, and understood that Dazai was already drunk, and they had to take him to see the homeless while it was now.So a few of them helped me into the car, and when I arrived at Ueno Station, they took me into the tunnel.This is known as the homeless den.

Although those reporters carefully planned this out, it was still not a success in the end.When I entered the tunnel, I walked forward regardless.When I got to the skewer restaurant near the exit of the tunnel, I saw four teenagers smoking there.This made me feel a little unhappy, so I went up to them and said to them:
"Stop smoking, the more you smoke, the more hungry you will be. If you want to eat skewers, I'll buy them for you."

The teenagers in front of me were only in their teens. After hearing what I said, they immediately threw away the cigarettes.I looked at these children and felt pity in my heart. I turned to the proprietress and said, "Give each of them a share."

Does this count as doing good deeds?What a tangled question.I suddenly thought of Valery's words, which made me feel very unbearable.If my behavior at that time had been considered good in the eyes of the common people, I would have been willing to bear it alone, even if Valery despised me.

Valery said that when doing good, you need to have an apology in your heart.Because doing kindness to people is the most hurtful thing in the world.

I suddenly felt very cold on my body, so I bowed and strode out of the tunnel.

Four or five reporters ran out after me.

"Is it like hell?"

Another added: "After all, it's a completely different world than it was before."

Someone asked: "Are you shocked? Do you have any thoughts?"

I laughed out loud.

"How could it be hell? I'm not scared at all."

I walked towards Ueno Park and started the conversation.

"Actually, I didn't see anything, I just felt like I was in pain. My eyes were staring straight ahead, and my feet hurried through the tunnel. I finally understand why you guys let me walk this way, it must be because I am a handsome man .”

Everyone laughed out loud.

"I'm not kidding you. Maybe you haven't noticed. Although I walked in a hurry, I still saw the homeless people lying in the corner. They are all good-looking men. This means, All beautiful men may end up living in tunnels. Especially a beautiful man with delicate skin like you, you must be more careful, otherwise it will be very dangerous. Of course, I will be careful myself."

These words made everyone laugh again.

I think that everything I say is right all day long, and I can't listen to what others say, and I only find myself in the tunnel when I wake up.I just hurried through the tunnel, and I already had that trembling feeling.

"Apart from the handsome man, do you have any new discoveries?"

As soon as he finished speaking, I said: "Cigarettes. Although those beautiful men don't drink too much, they all smoke. Cigarettes are not cheap things. If you have money to buy cigarettes, you should also have money to buy mats and shoes. But they But lying barefoot on the ground with a cigarette in his mouth, it shows that people nowadays, even if they don’t have enough food and clothing, they can’t stop smoking. I’m not just talking about others, but I feel deeply about this point. Discovery made my authentic journey closer to reality."

When I came to the square in front of Ueno Park, I saw the four teenagers making a fuss in the midday sun.I swayed and walked towards them.

"Everything is up to you."

The reporter yelled at me and took pictures of us with a camera.

"Please smile this time."

The reporter moved closer to the camera and yelled at me again.One of the boys looked at me and smiled.

"It's so funny looking at each other like that."

I was amused by him and burst out laughing.

Angels fly in the air according to God's instructions, and after their wings disappear, they float down to every corner of the world like parachutes.I floated to the white snow in the north, you floated to the mandarin fields in the south, and these teenagers floated to Ueno Park.That's the difference.Boys, no matter how many years you will live in the future, don't care about your appearance, don't smoke, don't drink alcohol on days other than festivals, just like those shy girls who are a little bit pretty.

Supplement
The reporter took two photos at that time.One is a photo of me and the waif smiling face to face.The other one shows me squatting in front of the waif, grabbing someone's foot, and making a very strange pose.Later, the reporter gave me these two photos.After I saw it, I thought, if the photo was published in the newspapers, some people might think that Dazai is a disgusting guy who says he is a Catholic but behaves like a disciple of Jehovah.In fact, I was just curious at the time, and wanted to see what the soles of the feet of those children who walked barefoot looked like, and it turned out to be like this.In order to avoid unnecessary misunderstanding, it is better for me to explain here.

Let me tell you one more interesting thing.When the reporter handed these two photos to me, I told my wife, "The person in the photo is a homeless man from Ueno."

My wife was surprised and said, "Is this what homeless people look like?"

After speaking, he began to look carefully.I was taken aback when I saw where she was looking.

"That's me. Don't you even recognize your own husband? The one next to you is the homeless man."

My wife is a serious person and never jokes. It seems that she really thinks of me as a bum.

(End of this chapter)