Out of Depression: A Depressed Patient's Successful Self-Help

Chapter 18 In-depth analysis of depression (1)
depression and perfectionism

As mentioned above, a person's views on things will affect his emotions, so by changing negative thoughts and beliefs, the emotional state can be improved.But sometimes negative thinking and beliefs are very stubborn and cannot be easily persuaded with reason. At this time, we need to further analyze the root causes of their generation.Only by truly understanding yourself can you change yourself better.

Further analysis of negative thinking and beliefs reveals that the emergence of negative thinking and beliefs often comes from a person’s “pursuit”—it is precisely because a person has the pursuit of being accepted by everyone that he is too much. Worry about what other people think; it is precisely because a person has the pursuit of making himself perfect that he will be worried about his own shortcomings; Failure and inferiority cannot be let go; it is precisely because a person has the pursuit of becoming an ideal self that he is critical and dissatisfied with the real self... The more severe the criticism and denial of oneself, it also indicates The bigger the "pursuit" is.Only when patients achieve this "great pursuit" can they stop self-deprecation and self-hatred.Negative thoughts and beliefs come from blocked "pursuit", or a punishment for not realizing the idealized self.Only by becoming himself in the fantasy, only by achieving the life in the fantasy can he truly stop this self-attack.So self-attack is sometimes a means to force oneself to achieve an idealized self.It's like a leather whip, although it hurts to be whipped, but only in this way can the "donkey" run like a "horse". If you give up this method, then the "donkey" can only be a "donkey".It is precisely because of the inability to face such a reality that patients will constantly criticize, attack, and hate themselves in reality, so that the fantasy of becoming a "horse" can always be maintained.For example, the negative belief "If I'm not good enough, then I'm a failure."In the past, I would only force myself to be "good enough", and would deny and criticize myself when I couldn't do it, but I didn't reflect on the mistakes of this value.What is "good enough" if it is "not good enough"?Does this kind of "good enough" really exist in the world?Has anyone else achieved this level of "good enough"?Is this "good enough" too idealistic rather than realistic.Is it because this "good enough" is too divorced from reality that it appears that I am "not good enough"?When I gave up the pursuit of "good enough" and the value of being a person and doing things, the feeling of "not good enough" gradually faded away, and my mentality gradually became peaceful.I later found out that this "good enough" was exactly what the inner tyrant wanted to turn me into a flawless "successful" who was welcomed by all.And this "not good enough" is just me in reality, that "slave", no matter how hard I try, I can't meet the tyrant's requirements.Only by giving up this "good enough" fantasy and breaking away from the rule of the tyrant can we truly live in peace with ourselves and truly love this "not good enough" self.

There is a saying that goes well: the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment.Negative thinking and beliefs appear to be self-deprecating on the surface, but they also contain great "hope".For example, I am lovable only when I am loved; I am valuable only when I am successful; Life is meaningful only when I am perfect; Only when I surpass others can I hold my head up; Only when I don’t make mistakes can I be accepted by others..." Hope" actually comes from the gap between "ideal" and "reality". It is better to live in the perfection of fantasy than the cruel reality.Just imagine, a person who has been criticized since childhood or has too many traumatic experiences in his growth experience will naturally be full of fear of reality and dissatisfied with himself in reality. If "needs" are not met in reality, they are easily met in fantasy.If you are dissatisfied with yourself in reality, it is easy to create a perfect self in fantasy to deal with this cruel reality.In his heart, he may think: If he is "good enough", maybe others will not treat him like this.A female patient is very concerned about other people's opinions, and is prone to internalize responsibility (when someone hurts her, she will not think it is the fault of others, but thinks that she is not good enough).She is always "kind" in relationships, afraid of offending people.Similarly, she tries to be perfect in doing things because she is afraid of being rejected by others.Even though she "works hard", she still lives in tension all day long, fearing that others will leave her after "understanding" her.From this, we can see that her "kindness" is just a means to win praise from others. It is precisely because she "hopes" to win everyone's affirmation and acceptance that she is so harsh on herself in reality, and even hides her real self to please. others.This "solution" has become her survival rule for dealing with reality, but sadly, this way of solving the problem has become part of the problem instead, making her live an unreal life and be in a state of tension all day long.

Many patients have an idealized self fantasy in their minds. If they become their ideal self and become a perfect person, then they can accept themselves and life will become meaningful.He is subconsciously critical of himself, which is also a mentality of "hating iron but not steel".It is precisely because of this morbid pursuit-to become a perfect person without failures and shortcomings-that this kind of "conditional" self-acceptance is formed.For example, I can only accept myself if I am affirmed by others.Under the effect of this "conditional" self-acceptance, a person is getting farther and farther away from the true self, and more and more trapped in the illusion of an idealized self.But the sad thing is: people can't escape reality.Unable to give up fantasy, the "War of Ego" was inspired.

We can't help asking: Why can't a person accept the real self, but force himself to reach the fantasy self?Why can't we live in peace, but always carry out "old city transformation"?In fact, this has a lot to do with a person's growth experience and guardians (mainly parents).If we analyze deeply, we often find that the patient has a father or mother who is easy to be critical and critical. No matter how hard he tries since childhood, it is difficult for him to meet the requirements and expectations of his parents.Of course, even if the parent is less aggressive, mere neglect or indifference can seriously harm a child.It is difficult for children who grow up in an environment lacking love to realize that it is their parents' fault. Instead, they will think that it is because they are not good enough that their parents do not love themselves.After that, he will try harder to do "good enough" to win the love of his parents, and he will be more and more unable to accept his true self.When there are more than one child in the family, if the parents prefer one of them (such as patriarchy), or if one of them is better and attracts all the attention, then the other child will feel neglected, that is, Will try to gain advantage in other areas.For example, if one child is good at studies, the other may become interested in sports or music if he cannot win in studies.When the balance of parental love is too tilted, the neglected child needs to work harder-try to be a "good girl" or "good boy", and seek parents' attention and attention by playing himself as a "sensible" child. agree.At this time, "he" is no longer himself. In order to please his parents, he has been "acting" since he was a child, and he is no longer his true self.There is also an opposite situation, when a child receives too much attention, attention, doting, or achieves "success" too early, he becomes the topic of discussion and the center of attention of people around him.At this time, he will think: I should be the "center", I should receive the attention of others, I should be better than others, and I should have a sense of superiority over others.Once this kind of conceit is formed, it is difficult for him to tolerate being surpassed by others, it is difficult for him to accept the fact that he no longer receives attention from others, and he cannot face his inferiority.When the morbid conceit is shattered by reality, and when the sense of superiority over others is hard to maintain, his "meaning of life" is to find the self that attracts attention, is different, and is extraordinary.

From the above analysis, we will find that: breaking away from the true self and pursuing an idealized self is an act of self-protection.After all, when a person does not get the affirmation and love of his parents (or other guardians), there will be strong anxiety and fear in his heart.And the pursuit of the perfect self in the fantasy can at least bring a little hope to yourself-maybe if you become the ideal self, you can get the affirmation and love of your parents.Gradually, this "pursuit" of self-protection has become the inner driving force of being a human being and the highest criterion of survival, even if it distorts the true self.For children who grow up in an environment of doting and attention, maintaining an idealized self is not self-protection, but "dream fulfillment"-if you are perfect enough, you can once again find the sense of superiority that dominates the world and is superior to others .He can't face reality, because reality will only let him know that he is just an "ugly duckling", not the much-anticipated "white swan".

Some people may ask: Shouldn't people become more perfect?Shouldn't people pursue a better self?Do people have to accept themselves as they are?People should be responsible for themselves and have pursuits instead of living in chaos, but we must reflect on the inner motivation of this pursuit, whether it comes from the love of things themselves, or from fear and efforts to escape reality.If it is the latter, then this pursuit itself is a tragedy like "Kuafu Chasing the Sun", because he is pursuing a result that will never be achieved.It is precisely because "reality" cannot be accepted and "ideal" cannot be achieved that he becomes a person living in the gap between ideal and reality, so he can never be satisfied with himself—he cannot be satisfied with the real self.

Therefore, the solution lies in: give up the perfection in fantasy, give up the morbid pursuit, accept reality and yourself in reality, instead of blindly turning yourself into an ideal appearance; accept the limitations of yourself as a person, instead of living. In the pursuit of fantasy and the escape from reality.Below I will use the concept of "perfectionism" to elaborate on the above point of view.Of course, the "perfectionism" here does not only refer to a kind of over-seriousness and attention to details, but also a kind of perfectionism in a broad sense-unable to accept and face reality, and devote oneself to the pursuit and pursuit of idealized self. In defense, immerse yourself in the realm of fantasy.An illustration of the three self-concepts: idealized self, real self, and actual self.Idealized self.It is an idealized image built in the heart to escape reality.Therefore, for the individual, it is absolutely perfect and must be the highest standard of life.But the cornerstone of its creation is fantasy, not reality, a state of narcissism that takes fantasy as reality.

true self.It is part of the innate potential of the individual, the living, the center of one's true being.It enables people to develop freely and healthily according to their individual nature and natural potential, and grow along the direction of self-realization.

actual self.It is the synthesis of the conditions shown by the true self influenced by the environment. It is practical and realistic.In short, it is the outward expression of your authentic self.But sometimes it can also be distorted by the idealized self: forcing the real self to conform to the imagined image in order to achieve the perfection of the fantasy.

Exploring perfectionism
Life is not perfect, and it is impossible to be perfect. We are all imperfect people, and this is life.We have to walk into this imperfect life with imperfections, instead of expecting to become perfect before we start living.Because that moment will never come.

Everyone has expectations and longings for life. It is precisely because people have ideals and goals that human society can develop and continue. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies (hope is a good thing, maybe the best of all things. And good things never die). This line in the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" also expresses the importance of hope and pursuit.But people are people after all, some things are impossible to do, and some things are by no means perfect.When a person pursues perfection that does not exist, he will fall into the abyss.

Everyone has the desire to become a "better version of themselves", but we can also face our own limitations.So in life we ​​will pursue those achievable aspects and give up some goals that are beyond our reach.Under this kind of flexible effort, we have successes and failures; we have strengths, but we also have shortcomings; we have friends, and of course there are people who don’t like us; Of course, there are some things that are beyond our control.When we find our own balance between hope and reality, we will bring out our own potential and do what we can do well. Of course, we can also appreciate the excellence of others. Feeling ashamed of one's own failures or shortcomings.After all, we know that this is an inevitability of human limitations, not a lack of ability.In this state of mind, our efforts and pursuits are just an effort to realize our potential, a kind of interest and hobby, not a last resort.Therefore, we will be very happy when we succeed, and we can face it calmly when we fail. Even if some things do not develop in the direction we expected, we will not doubt our own value because of this.In reality, we can live freely and authentically.Because we don’t have to be afraid of failure, we don’t force ourselves to only succeed; because we know our own abilities and values, we don’t fear the negation of others.Therefore, we dare to express our ideas, express our emotions, dare to fail, dare to let others discover our shortcomings and deficiencies, dare to face the reality of life and the inevitability of life... But due to differences in growth experience, some people, despite their superficial In reality, we are also pursuing perfection, but the pursuit at this time is not for self-realization, nor is it because of hobbies, but to maintain the fantasy of idealized self through "I must be perfect", so as to satisfy the needs of pathological conceit in the heart (the so-called pathological Conceit refers to: combining the advantages of fantasy, and then finding a pretentiousness that is superior to others and superior to others).Because of his "purpose", he is extremely afraid of failure, of setbacks, of the uncontrollable, of imperfections.Therefore, he must be perfect, and must use perfect results to prove his "different".Even if he succeeds, he will not have a real sense of accomplishment, either a kind of temporary relaxation in which he has escaped a catastrophe, or he will fall into a kind of smug arrogance.

When "perfectionism" becomes a means, it becomes a pathological perfectionism.Either he's critical of himself, or he thinks he's great.When "I must be perfect" becomes the highest pursuit in life, he can't tolerate his own inferiority, and thinks that he should be superior to others in everything.When perfectionism becomes a pathological pursuit, a "must" and "should", this pursuit will become a heavy shackle for a person.At this time, in this contradiction between reality and fantasy, he often loses his true self.If he fails to achieve his ideal, he will be afraid. Driven by this anxiety and fear, he will constantly spur himself and work hard towards the "ideal".Under the influence of this kind of morbid perfectionism, he will be farther and farther away from his true self, unable to accept himself as he is.Then he will pursue honor and superiority, unable to face reality, develop morbid conceit, or feel inferior and self-hate because he has not achieved his ideal appearance, and fall into the abyss step by step.

(End of this chapter)