Funny: The Hilarious Life of a Wasted Taoist 1

Chapter 3: A Legacy From the Sky (3)
The freshly painted walls are snow-white, the furniture is all original, it has been repainted, and there is still a smell of paint, the incandescent lamp is dazzlingly bright, and the small alarm clock next to the bed is ticking.

I was a little bored and panicked, so I simply turned off the light and went to sleep.

Tomorrow, I should take down the portrait of the bearded Taoist priest on the second floor and put it in the house.

As soon as the light was turned off, the sound of the alarm clock became more obvious, and the ticking was annoying. I reached out to touch the alarm clock by the bedside, trying to turn it off.

It stands to reason that you can touch it with your hand, but when you touch it, you can't touch the alarm clock, but a hairy thing.

I was startled, what is that?
I boldly stretched out my other hand and touched the object. The soft touch was like skin. I went a little further down and touched two holes. I touched it again to confirm the shape. This time the whole back It's all cold.

That's a human nose!
Someone was giggling over there, I held my breath and looked over there, and found a man's head there, grinning at me!I'm holding his hair with one hand, and I'm sticking my fingers up his nostrils with the other.

The man grinned at me and said, "No, don't do this, I can't breathe."

Fuck your uncle's breath!
I grabbed the head reflexively and threw it out. When the head was about to hit the wall, it disappeared with a whoosh.

The room was quiet again.

I sat on the bed, gasping for breath, the smell of paint filled my nostrils, but there was still a faint smell of rust.

Rust smell?
I lowered my head, and a large puddle of dark liquid flowed from under the crack of the door.

Running water has certain scientific laws, just like if it is at the scene of a gun battle, the water on the ground must be gasoline.With my rich knowledge, and referring to the haunted history of this house, I can intuitively know what it is without even guessing.

I quickly stretched out my hand to pull the light cord, the transformer rang a few times, but the light did not respond.

There was the sound of little high heels walking outside the door.

"Da da da"

With that sound, more and more dark liquid was on the ground.

I desperately pulled the cord.

With a "snap", the light cord was broken by me.

Qiangzi said before that he could replace the light cord with a switch, but I would have to pay a little extra for reconnecting the wiring, but I refused.

Now I'm holding the broken light cord, my intestines are green!

"clatter"

The sound of walking stopped at the door, and there was no more sound, only the dark liquid kept flowing in.

I squatted down and found a place where I could roll under the bed the fastest to hide myself, then lay on the ground and looked out through the crack of the door.

I saw the legs of a woman in red high heels.

Those are a pair of very beautiful and well-proportioned calves, the skin is translucent white, so white that it seems to be able to shine in the dark night.

Such a complexion should have been very attractive.

If you remove the thin streams of blood dripping down from above.

The blood flowed to the ground and came in through the crack of the door.

I quietly backed away and climbed back on the bed.

The blood on the ground is still pouring in continuously.

It turned out that when playing online games, they always called bloody characters blood cows, and I always scoffed at them.

Now, I understand.

I slowly moved from the bed to the window, and was about to open the window and jump out of the window to escape, when suddenly there was a loud knock on the door.

I froze, and the action of pulling the window paused.

"Mr. Ma!" Sanniang called from the door, her voice trembling, "Mr. Ma, open the door!"

This room is too weird, I can't believe that the person standing at the door is Sanniang, maybe some ghost has changed its voice to deceive me.

"Ah!" Sanniang shouted again, "Help!"

In this situation, if I abandon the woman and escape, I will never be a man in my life, even if the door is a ghost, I will recognize it!

I gritted my teeth, jumped out of bed, closed my eyes and opened the door.

With a scream, Wen Xiang nephrite embraced her.

My mind suddenly froze, and Sanniang's panicked face magnified in front of my eyes.

"Mr. Ma, there are ghosts outside!"

While trembling, Sanniang pressed herself against me.

But I was shaking more than her, and for the first time I saw a real beautiful woman in silk pajamas standing in front of me.

Although I had fantasized about such things countless times before, I only feasted my eyes on watching them on TV magazines. This one in front of me is real!

I burst into tears, feeling that this life and death are without regrets!

Don't say it's a haunted house now, even if Godzilla reappears, I rushed over to fight him without saying a word!

If I die unfortunately, she will definitely remember me forever, and if I survive, we will definitely be together.

That's how it's done in movies, and it's the best plot to give birth to pure love.

I protected Sanniang behind me, and stretched out my head to look out the door.

The woman in the red high heels disappeared, and the hall was silent.

San Niang lay on my back and asked in a low voice, "Is it still there?"

When she spoke, she was facing my ear, and the breath made my heart stir silently: "It's gone."

"The one upstairs is gone?"

"Upstairs..." I looked up while talking, and the white hanged ghost was sticking out his tongue, slowly floating down from the second floor.

I quickly retracted my head and closed the door tightly.

Sanniang stuck to me tightly, and said delicately, "I'm so scared, I'm so scared that my heart is on fire, what should I do?"

I pressed against the door tightly and waved my hand to signal her not to speak.

Sure enough, Sanniang stopped talking and looked up at me silently. After a while, she started to heat up against my body because of excessive fear, and then she began to take off her and my clothes in order to cool off.

I was too shocked to move, I didn't expect her to do such an open-minded and creative move in such a thrilling situation, turning the original platonic romance into a B-plus harmony limited film ("Harmony", Sensitive vocabulary) development, immediately admired this strange woman beyond words.Although I haven't prepared myself yet, at this moment no man would refuse to use his body to comfort this weak woman who was so frightened that her face turned pale. Righteousness, let her do whatever she wants.

I am happy, no, I wait nervously for Sanniang's slender fingers to unbutton my clothes.

About the time the third button was unbuttoned, Sanniang suddenly let out a cry of surprise, and jumped against my body.

I opened my eyes in surprise, and saw Sanniang lying on the ground far away, staring at me resentfully.

The jade pendant on my chest glowed with green light, and then a lion-like monster jumped out of the jade pendant, and roared at San Niang: "Fox demon, catch it before you let go!"

Fox demon?

My mind was running at a slow pace, analyzing the situation in front of me.

Sanniang said in surprise: "I knew someone was protecting him, but I didn't expect that the one protecting him was a mythical beast of the level of Pixiu, I was wrong!"

The little girl who was snuggling in my arms and acting like a baby just now changed her face in a few seconds. I was so surprised and dumbfounded.

The monster said: "Monster, die!" After speaking, he roared, opened his mouth wide and rushed towards Sanniang.

"Ah!" Sanniang screamed, covering her face with her hands.

Seeing that Sanniang was about to disappear, I jumped out like a swallow, hugged the monster's leg and shouted: "The strong man will keep someone!"

The monster said: "As a descendant of the Ma family, you don't know Taoism and you can't distinguish between monsters and monsters, and even now you speak for monsters!"

Being stared at by that monster, my calves were shaking.But seeing Sanniang shrinking back in the corner, my heart softened, and I said boldly: "Strong man, since you can talk, you are also an intelligent creature, aren't you? Let's talk if you have something to say, don't come up Use your mouth, it's uncivilized..."

The monster opened its mouth and showed two sharp canine teeth to me: "You can't even tell that I'm a Pixiu!"

I was frightened by him, my voice started to tremble, and I said indiscriminately: "Picchu? I know, I know. Your brother is Pikachu. I know him very well. It turns out that the second girl who lives next door to me likes you. elder brother."

The room fell into dead silence.

Sanniang raised her head and looked at me, her gaze was unusually hazy and complicated.

"Since you are my master, I can only obey your orders. Don't regret that you let me let it go today!" the monster said, "Fox demon, I will spare your life today, so get out!"

Sanniang smiled sweetly, and blew a kiss to me: "Thank you, Mashu, you are so kind." Then she took a deep look at me and walked out of the room.

I was overwhelmed by that sentence, you are so good.

Pixiu said again: "I am the mythical beast Pixiu. The ancestors of your Ma family have been kind to me, so Zhang Tianshi specially sent me to the world to protect you. From now on, you are my master. I usually hide in the jade pendant to help you slay demons and eliminate demons." .”

It turned out that this guy was my summoned beast. I thought about it and was happy.

This is awesome. In the future, when others walk their dogs, I will walk Pikachu. If the guards in the neighborhood stop me from going in and post small advertisements, I will let a lion bite him. This will be invincible all over the world. Standing in this industry Peak.

All the ghosts and monsters in this house, all stand aside, let the little ghost serve me tea and water, let the hanged ghost give me a massage, and use that head as a bowling ball!

Just as I was thinking this way, the monster's body suddenly emitted a burst of white light, and it turned into the size of a kitten.

The Pixiu said: "From now on, my ability is directly proportional to your magic power. If you are strong, I will be strong, and if you are weak, I will be weak."

Then, it proved its current ability to me with practical actions, and slapped a fly on the ground fiercely with its claws.

After it took its claws away, the fly flew away leisurely.

This evening, Pixiu and I had a long talk.It took me one night to brainwash me, combined with what I saw and heard in the past few days, it abruptly changed me from an atheist to a skeptic.

According to it, Pixiu is an auspicious holy beast, one of the nine sons of the dragon, and besides catching ghosts, it has additional functions—because it has no excretory organs, it can only eat, and it has the function of attracting wealth.

Hearing this, I actually feel a little sympathetic to it. Its father didn't know what evil he did to be cursed for giving birth to a son.

But I was not happy for too long, and then Pixiu told me in a pitiful and sarcastic tone, because I am so useless, so now his fortune function can guarantee that I will win five yuan if I buy three lottery tickets.

I was very offended by his attitude and regretted sympathizing with it before.

Pixiu said: "This room is in a very dark place, it is a good place for monsters to cultivate, it will constantly attract evil spirits and ghosts, mortals will die or be injured if they stay for a long time, I will do my best to protect you."

The three words "do your best" are very subtle, just like what the doctor said to the family members of the patients who just finished playing "peek-a-boo".

But our IQ is the same as that of the President of the United States, no matter what we do, we also know the principle of moving the dead and the living. After listening to Pixiu's explanation, I jumped up and packed up my things and prepared to escape.

"You don't need to move out of here," Pixiu said again, "because you are no longer an ordinary person."

Startled, I stopped what I was doing.

According to the routines of previous TV dramas, generally the masters who say this will start to exercise their kung fu, and then spontaneously ignite, with a few puffs of white smoke coming out of their backs. The small bottle of elixir said: "Now I will pass on all the magic power to you, and after learning these, you will not be a mortal, but an invincible god-man in the world!"

Basically, as long as you have this beginning, you will be able to meet countless beautiful younger sisters in the future.

I looked at Pixiu full of hope.

As if seeing through my thoughts, Pixiu snorted coldly, and said: "You are a Taoist priest now, and you have stayed in this room for too long, and your body has been contaminated with yin energy, so it is useless even if you move it away. Taoist priest, your magnetic field is different from that of ordinary human beings. Now you are hundreds of times more likely to encounter those dirty things. Yin and Yang are mutually restraining, and you will be more unlucky than ordinary people. Besides, your mana is not strong now. The second floor of this house is enshrined Daoist Zhang can still protect you, if you leave, I'm afraid you will die unexpectedly in a few days."

I felt like crying, thinking that if I didn't, I'd move the bearded Taoist statue and hang it in my house tomorrow to ward off evil spirits.

Speaking of which, the sky was already slightly bright, and there was a rooster crowing in the distant village, and Pixiu turned into a green light and returned to my jade pendant.

I didn't sleep all night, and I can't sleep now. I have nothing to fear when it dawns. I simply opened the door and rushed to the second floor to kowtow to the Taoist statue. I secretly made up my mind to go out and fuck some paper beauties. Burned for a long time.Then I went out with the paste and the small advertisement.

I didn’t sleep last night, I didn’t feel refreshed after posting the ad this day, and now it’s a hot day, and the sun made me dizzy when I posted it in the afternoon. I couldn’t hold it anymore, so I decided to call it a day and go home. call me by name.

"Horsepower! Horsepower!"

I turned my head and saw that it was Lao Wang, standing in the shade and waving at me.

But I didn't see him for a day, and the man bent even more.

"Horsepower, come here, let's chat."

I didn't go there. Behind him was an [-]-story office building. When it was first built, it became a landmark building in the city. Many people who couldn't think about it had a special liking for this place. They liked to jump off the building to commit suicide because the floor was the highest. Guaranteed to die in one jump.

Now I can see those ghosts jumping down one by one like cooking dumplings.

Lao Wang couldn't see it naturally, but he trembled and sneezed when the ghost passed through him.

Seeing that I didn't pass by, Pharaoh walked over by himself.

"How is the new house?" Old Wang took out a pack of cigarettes, handed it to me, and beckoned me to take it.

Generally, Pharaoh asks you to smoke a pack of "White Sha" for five yuan. If you ask someone, you will give him a pack of "Hongtashan" for ten yuan. Today I saw that the skin of the cigarette was "Zhonghua", and I knew this guy in my heart Ask me if there is any difficulty, and it must be a very powerful thing.

I didn't have the nerve to take more. If I took too much, it seemed that we had never seen the market, so I took out three and put them in my pocket for fear that they would be squeezed. Lighted the lighter, took a puff, and said slowly: "It's good."

Old Wang looked at me, hesitant to say something, with the expression that he wanted to say something but was too embarrassed to say it, then he patted my shoulder and said, "Come on, today I'm going to treat you to my house for a drink."

As I said before, Lao Wang’s small advertisements for his clinic were posted by me along the way, and he never paid me.

From my point of view, he has no major advantages other than saving money.

I have lived in his small bungalow for so many years, and I have posted small advertisements for him for free for so long. He has never invited me to dinner, but today he suddenly wants to invite me to drink. steal.

Alarm bells rang in my heart, I shook my head and said, "Forget it."

Old Wang grabbed my arm: "I'm treating you! Buy some more cold dishes! Just tell me what you want to eat!" I felt disgusted by those dead children on his body, and kept a distance from him all the time. After looking at him, he found that his face was pale, with two big dark circles under his eyes, and his eyeballs were covered with red threads, as if he hadn't slept for a few days.

Before I could reply, Pharaoh ran to a nearby lo-mei shop and bought a catty of beef and a roast chicken.

He's paid for it.

Seeing how generous he was, I was very moved, and decided to let him go and see if there was anything I could help, since I was alone, and I couldn't think of anything he wanted to do with me.At that time, I feel that I can't help him because of him, so at most, I will reciprocate courtesy and invite him to live on the second floor of my small school for two days.

This is not far from the high-end small bungalow residential area. We walked all the way back, Lao Wang was wobbly, and the children on his back trembled and were bloody when walking. Those children couldn't even open their eyes. Crawling on Lao Wang's body, wriggling from time to time, it looked like he was carrying a red turtle shell.

When we entered the house, Pharaoh immediately turned around and locked the door behind him.

I said, "Why lock the door?"

Lao Wang said: "You go out from there in a while, I won't be open tonight... Can you see clearly, my door is locked?"

"Lock it up." This man was indeed old, and he was worried about what he had just done.

The bungalow of Lao Wang's family has been remodeled. The front is the clinic and the back is the living place, with a door on each side.

(End of this chapter)