childhood, on earth, my university

Chapter 19 My University (3)
I found that almost everyone has intricate contradictions, not only in words and actions, but also in emotions.When I feel the same way about myself, my mood gets worse.Because of all these contradictions, like a top, I was whipped around by an invisible and powerful hand with an invisible whip.I felt very bored and went to Rubtsov.He happened to be at home, mending his clothes, sitting at the table by a small lamp.Seeing me coming, he told me:

"Last Sunday, a coppersmith in our factory was arrested by the military police. He is really a clever coppersmith. It was Guli who introduced me to him. He has some contacts with college students."

He paused for a moment, then said:
"Have you heard? The students are having a riot, haven't you? Well, help me sew this coat, my eyes are useless..."

He handed me the rags and needlework, and paced the room, grumbling:

"The ghost blew it out as soon as there was a spark. It's a wretched city. Get out of here by boat before the river freezes. But where? Lived everywhere, all the same. Huh, This is also called life!'

He stopped, stood silently by the door for a while, as if listening to something, and then walked up to me:

"If you let me say that neither God nor the Tsar is a good thing. And people should also be indignant at their actions and give up this shameless life, that's the only way! Alas, I am old, unable to do what I want, and my eyesight Almost blind... oh, it's stitched. Let's go to the shop for tea..."

Along the way, he held my shoulders and continued to say:
"Remember my words: People won't endure to the end. There will always be an explosion, which will overturn everything and smash all troubles! People won't bear it any longer..." We walked halfway and met Factory workers and sailors were fighting.Rubtsov, recognizing his companion, pushed his way into the fighting crowd, instigating:

"Hold on, fellow workmen! Squeeze the water toads! Squeeze the little trout! Oh, what a blast!"

The scene looked ridiculous.Both sailors and workmen played very merrily and without malice, as if only to show their bravery.

The police came, whistles blowing, the brass buttons of their uniforms gleaming in the dark.Afterwards, five people including Rubtsov and I were taken to the police station.

"The people on the banks of the Volga are really nice!" Rubtsov said appreciatively.Then, he whispered to me again, "Run! Take the opportunity to run away! Why stay in the game?"

So, taking my chance, I ran into the alley, and a tall sailor followed me.I haven't seen Rubtsov since that night.

The school riots started.I didn't understand the guiding ideology of this student movement, and I was not very clear about the motivation of the students' behavior. I only saw a burst of pleasant confusion.When I came to Vasily?When I went to Semyonov's bakery, I saw the bakers preparing to gather to beat the college students.I quarreled with them.During the quarrel, I suddenly discovered that my defense for college students was so vague and weak.I left there exhausted physically and mentally, feeling an uncontrollable heartbreak.

That night, I was sitting on the bank of the Capone River, throwing stones into the dark water, and there was only one sentence in my head, which kept spinning like a revolving lantern:

"what should I do?"

In order to relieve the sadness and boredom in my heart, I started to learn to play the violin, but soon I gave up.

In December, I decided to kill myself.

3
I bought a ceremonial pistol that army drummers wear at the bazaar, loaded it with four bullets, and shot myself in the chest.I thought I had hit the heart, but it only hurt one lung.After a month, I recovered and returned to the bakery in a panic.I feel really stupid.

One night at the end of March, I came in from the bakery and saw Hohol sitting by the window, smoking a cigarette dully.

"Are you free?" He asked me straight to the point.

"Two 10 minutes."

"Please sit down and let's talk."

I sat down.

"Would you like to work with me? I have a small shop in the village of Krasnovydovo, and you can take care of the business for me. It won't take up too much of your time. I have a lot of good books and I can help You study, do you agree?"

"of course."

"Then come to the Kurbatov quay at six o'clock on Friday morning. I will wait for you there. My name is Mikhail Antonov, and my name is Romas. That's all."

After speaking, he took firm steps and left without looking back.

Two days later, I left the bakery and took a boat to the village of Krasnovydovo.The Volga has just thawed.Gray, brittle chunks of ice floated on the murky water upstream.The boat sails through the ice.The ice creaked under the impact of the ship,

It turned into crystal-like sharp pieces and scattered in all directions.The upstream wind blows, pushing the waves to the shore, the sun is dazzling, and the light blue glass-like icicles reflect bright and white light.The ship sailed forward, and the ship was full of barrels, bags, and boxes.At the helm is the young peasant Pankov, well dressed and taciturn, not quite a farmer.Kukushkin, the hired man in a ragged coat and a crumpled priest's cap, pushed the ice away with a penny in his hand.

I sat side by side with Romas on the box, and he said to me softly:

"The peasants don't like me, especially the kulaks! You can experience this hatred yourself."

Kukushkin put the penny under his feet, turned to us, and said excitedly:
"I don't like you very much, Antonov, and the priest bothers you too..."

"Indeed." Pankov at the helm also said the same.

"But I also have many friends, and you will too," Romas said to me again.

The bow of the ship slammed into the ice floe.Kukushkin staggered and picked up the penny.Pankov said reproachfully:

"You have to be careful."

"Don't talk to me!" said Kukushkin, pushing away the ice floe, "I can't talk to you while I'm working..."

They argued without malice, jokingly.

Romans said to me:

"The land here is not as good as ours in Ukraine, but the people here are much kinder. They are really capable!"

I listened to him carefully and believed his words very much.I think he is very knowledgeable and has his own standards for judging people.I was especially relieved that he didn't ask me why I killed myself.I really don't want to think about everything in the past.

The boat sailed along the shore, and on the left was the wide river that stretched down to the grassy sandy beach.The waves beat against the small jungle on the shore.The sun showed a smiling face, and the feathers of the yellow-nosed rooks were cold black under the sun. They were chirping and busy building their nests.In sunny places, bright green grass happily emerges from the soil and grows against the sun.My body is chilly, but my heart is warm.How pleasant the earth in spring is!
At noon we reached the village of Krasnovydovo.On the high and steep hill stands a blue-domed church, and the beautiful and solid wooden houses are arranged one by one along the side of the hill. The yellow wooden roof and straw roof are shining, simple and beautiful.

When I was unloading with Kukushkin, Romans threw me a bag over the side of the boat and said:
"It seems that you are still very strong!"

Then, without looking at me, he asked:

"Is your chest still hurting?"

"It doesn't hurt at all."

This tactful question touched me very much, because I especially don't want the farmers here to know that I have committed suicide.

A tall, thin farmer walked down the mountain along the mountain road.When he got to the shore, he said in a loud and friendly voice:
"Welcome back!"

Half an hour later, I was sitting in a clean, comfortable room with wooden walls that still smelled of pine resin and sawdust.A nimble woman is clearing the dining table.Romans took the books out of the box and put them on the shelf by the stove.

The room I lived in was in the attic of the wooden house, and I looked out from the window: facing a depression, beyond the depression was the black earth of the orchard, and the smooth hillside rolled up and down, extending to the blue treetops.The carriages creaked, the cows mooed when they were tired, and the brook ran happily.Two little boys were blocking the flow of a creek with stones and earth.An old woman in black came out of a door.The two little boys saw her and ran away.She lifted her feet and smashed all the children's masterpieces, and then walked downstream along the river.

How am I going to live here?I'm thinking.

dinner time.Izot, the tall, thin farmer who came to pick us up from the shore, was sitting at the table talking, but stopped when he saw me.

"What's the matter with you?" Romas frowned. "Tell me."

"It's over. That is to say, it's decided: we'll take care of everything ourselves. You must take a pistol with you when you go out, or a thicker stick." Izot said, looking at me again. "Young man, Do you like fishing?"

"do not like."

Romas said it was necessary to organize the farmers and the scattered individual growers and free them from the control of the collectors.Izot heard this and said:

"The rich peasants will not let you live in peace."

After he had gone, Romas said thoughtfully:
"He's smart, honest, and reliable. It's just that he's not well-educated, and reading is hard. You'll have to help him with that."

All evening Romas was telling me the prices of the various items in the shop, saying:

"My goods are cheaper than those of the other two in the village. I'm not in business here to make money, which seems to be the intention of your bakery..."

I've guessed this from everything I've seen and heard.Am I close to that kind of serious business?Will I be working with people who are doing real business in the future?Thinking of this, my mood became excited.

After the shop closed, we went back to Romas' bedroom.

"I have noticed you for a long time. You are a man of great talent, honest nature, and good intentions!" He looked at me and said, "You can't waste your youth for no reason.You should study, just don't let books separate you from the world. "

He pointed out his books to me, almost all of which were scientific works: works by Bolik, Lyayeri, Spencer, Darwin, Russian writers Pisarev, Dubrolyubov, Cheryl Works of Nyshevsky, Pushkin, Goncharov and Nekrasov.

He stroked these books with his broad palm and said with emotion:

"They are all good books!"

While drinking tea, he briefly talked about his own experience: he was the son of a blacksmith and worked as a train oiler at the Kyiv station.There, he met revolutionaries and organized self-study groups for workers.He was arrested for this, served two years in prison, and was exiled to Yakutia for ten years.

He talked to me for a long time, into the night.He obviously wanted me to be on his side.I've had low self esteem since the suicide, and he opened up to me so kindly and honestly, and it lifted me up.

Immediately after Sunday Mass, the villagers flocked to the steps of our shop.The first to arrive was Matvey Barinov.He was dirty and his hair was unkempt.It has long arms like two monkeys.His eyes were beautiful, but their gaze was light and inattentive.As soon as he came, he began to talk about everything.Then the farmers kept coming.Romas sat on the steps by the shop door, smoking a pipe, listening quietly to the peasants' chat.

Kukushkin and a peasant named Migon were arguing over which was more ruthless, the merchant or the lord.The bearded Suslov and Izot were talking about serfdom.

I waited for Romas to speak.But he seemed indifferently silent.The more the farmers talked, the more depressed they became. I also felt a little depressed, and couldn't help but think of the noisy city.

Over tea in the evening, I asked Romas why he wasn't part of the farmers' talk. "Talking about what?" he said, "You know what? If I talk to them on the street about that, I'll be sent to exile in Yakutia..."

He lit his pipe, and said calmly:

"Peasants are timid, cautious, suspicious people. It has been less than 30 years since the abolition of serfdom, and it is difficult for them to understand what freedom is. Maybe one day the Tsar will tell them what freedom is, because the Tsar was from the landowners. The peasants were liberated there. The peasants believed in the tsar very much. In their minds, the tsar was the sole master of the entire land and all the wealth. Therefore, we must arouse the peasants so that they gradually learn to take power back from the tsar..."

Later, Romas went out.At about eleven o'clock, I heard a gunshot in the street.I jumped out of the door and saw Romas walking towards the door of the shop.

"You, what's the matter? I shot it..." He asked in surprise when he saw me.

"Who?"

"Some people with sticks came straight at me, and I shot into the sky..."

I admired his contented air and the slightly obstinate look in his gray eyes.

Here, I gradually live happily.Every day brings me new feelings.I devoured books on natural science.Romans often pointed out to me:

"It should be known that the best wisdom of mankind is condensed in science."

Izot comes three nights a week and I teach him how to read.At first he didn't quite believe me, and always looked at me with a mocking look.But after several classes, he said to me sincerely:

"You speak well, boy, you could be a teacher..."

He studied very hard and made rapid progress.During class, he often took out a book from the bookshelf, read two or three lines with difficulty, then looked at me with a blushing face, and said in surprise:

"I can read!"

There was a beautiful, touching innocence about him that made me think he was the epitome of the good farmer described in the book.Sometimes, he looked at the stars and said:
"Romans said that there are people living on a certain planet in the sky. Do you think it is true? We should send them a signal and ask them how they live. Maybe they live better than us..."

In fact he is very content with his life.He was an orphan, but like all fishermen, he was poetic and loved the Volga.He didn't get on too well with the farmers, though.He also told me:

"Don't think they are very affectionate to you. These people are very cunning and hypocritical. Don't trust them!"

Still, Izot admired Kukushkin.He said:
"Look at this farmer, he's a good man! People don't like him, well, it doesn't matter! Of course, he is a bit talkative and gossiping, but every animal has its own shortcomings."

Kukushkin married a drunken wife who worked as a servant.He rented his house to blacksmiths, lived in the bathhouse himself, and worked for Pankov.He likes to tell the news very much, and when there is no news, he will make up various stories by himself, but the story is always the same: if the bad guys in the stories don’t want to do evil anymore, he always sends them to the monastery , like sending garbage to the dump.

Everyone in the village thought Kukushkin was an empty and boring person.His invented stories and his strange ideas always angered the peasants, aroused their ridicule and abuse, but at the same time they listened with relish.

In fact, Kukushkin is a very capable hired worker, who can hoop barrels, build stoves, keep bees, and do carpentry very delicately.Although he doesn't like to work, he can do a good job when he does it.

He used to know how to read, but he forgot it later, and he doesn't want to learn it anymore.But he was naturally intelligent, quicker than others, and always the first to capture the most substantial things in Romas' narration.

He, Izot, and Pankov often came to our place in the evening, and sat there until late at night, listening to Romas talk about the situation in the world, the lives of foreigners, and the twists and turns of the revolution.

Pankov was very fond of hearing stories about the French Revolution.His father was a rich peasant.He and his father separated two years ago.He later married Izot's niece, an orphan.He rented the house to Romas, and despite the opposition of the rich peasants in the village, he built a small shop next to it, and the rich peasants hated him very much.Country life troubled him, and he used to say:
"If I have a skill, I'll move to the city."

In the beginning, Pankov was not very friendly to me, even a little hostile, and he often put on an air of master to order me around.But he quickly changed his tune.Still, I sensed that he was secretly wary of me.

I liked Pankov a little bit about the fact that he never objected to the foul language of his hired man, Kukushkin, and that he listened carefully to all the amusing anecdotes of the visionary.

Life in the village did not unfold its happy side in front of me.I have heard it said many times, and I have read it in books: country people live healthier and more sincere lives than city people.But what I saw with my own eyes were peasants who toiled all day long and worked like hard labor.Many of them were unhealthy, exhausted by labor, and few were very happy.I don't think the life of a farmer is simple, it requires intense tending of the fields, tact and cunning in dealing with all kinds of people.This impoverished, irrational life is not desirable.

People in the village are groping for life like blind men, but they don't like Romans, Pankov and all those who hope to live a more reasonable and better life.

In contrast, I clearly see the advantages of the city. People in the city yearn for happiness and boldly pursue their ideals.This reminds me of two city folks from time to time: Fu?Kalugin and z?Nebeyi.The two of them opened a watch repair shop and also repaired various other machines, appliances and equipment.I'd love to be there all day and watch them work, but I'm too tall to block their light.So they waved me away.As I walked away, I thought to myself:

"How happy a man can be in everything!"

I envy them very much, thinking that they understand the mysteries of all kinds of machines and instruments, and can repair everything.This is real people!

I don't think I like the countryside.

Although Romas advised me not to go out at night, I still walked through the vegetable fields to the banks of the Volga one night, or sat under the willow trees on the banks.The flow of the Volga River is gentle and spectacular. The surface of the river is covered with the golden glow of the setting sun and reflects the pale moonlight.Watching all this, my mind became extremely active and sharp.

(End of this chapter)