Hunter and Hussar

Chapter 87 "I'm Back"

I was born in the fifth month of the lunar calendar, the poisonous month in the traditional month.My parents were said to be not thrilled, especially Dad, that he had to get married.When I was young, I spent more time outside than at home. It was like a guerrilla war, changing boarding houses every few weeks—both were my parents’ friends’ houses.They were divorced before I could remember, and they were called uncle and aunt more than mom and dad every day.The longest I lived in an aunt's house was two months.My aunt is a teacher, and there is an older brother who goes to school at home.One night, my brother took me to watch cartoons. At 08:30, my aunt came home and found us playing. She kicked my brother like a ball, and he rolled a few meters away.I cried.Auntie said, don't cry.So don't cry, just shed tears.The next day, when my aunt brought the milk, she asked me if there was anything I wanted to eat, candy or snacks.I say small cakes.Auntie took us to eat, but I remember not wanting to eat at all.The milk that day was thick and mellow, and tasted like lime slurry.Cakes are mashed bricks.After leaving my aunt's house, I never saw them again.I don't know if my little brother will be kicked for watching cartoons again.

My dad found several new aunts later.The most recent time, just last week, I was woken up by my aunt, and I went to the mahjong hall to find him, probably after two o'clock.I was stunned, because everyone played mahjong with concealment, but my dad put all the cards upside down and arranged them neatly on the table, as if he had lost the game at the beginning, and moths hit the swaying light bulbs to applaud him .Every move is seen by the poker players, so it is naturally impossible to win.He lost money, losing in a hurry, not in arrears at all, as happy as the crisp collision when shuffling the cards.One loss is hundreds, one night tens of thousands.The court sentenced me to my mother, but my father occasionally took me to live for a while, gave me some food, and a little fatherly love.I can't pay more, and I always lose money. I can only transfer living expenses according to the minimum amount determined by the court every month.I heard that my father's friends said that once we broke up, my father would always leave the house and grandly give the bought house to the aunt who went to a stranger.I don't know if it's true or not, but my parents have been arguing for a long time over the division of property in divorce.

Mom never married again, and probably never will.Her love stopped after she met her father and before she got pregnant with me, there should be a few months or years.Since then, her life has been insulated from her youth.She became a single mother supporting me on her own.Even though the days are interspersed between two huts, utility bills and gas bills, she still leaves tenderness to her daughter in the photos.

But not so.My days with my mother have been dry and gloomy for a long time.She was painting on a rain-soaked wall, painstakingly applying bright colors that turned into a messy mess.Every time I take a bowl of milk, every time I light a firework, the warmth is still in my throat, and the brilliant fire has not cooled down in the air and turned into ashes, my mother will tell me that my father will not give you these.There may have been an afternoon when I was sitting alone on the couch at home munching on a biscuit.It's big enough for a child to chew until the next century.While swallowing, I suddenly found a worm that exploded fluff crawling on the other side of the biscuit, with a green head wandering around, as if wondering that there is another life doing the same thing as it.I threw the biscuit away without crying or screaming.Then I realized that this is life with my mother.I would starve to death without cookies.After eating, I found that the biscuits had been crawled over by bugs.I had been chewing for years when I realized it.I only know that my mother is kind to me, but I don't know that there are countless kinds of kindness in the world, and I don't know which kind I want.She I didn't learn how to love.Dad didn't teach it, and neither did Mom.Conceived and born at the wrong time, I was the beginning and continuation of their struggle.

I had a dream.In the dream, my mother went out and didn't come back for a few days.I begged an aunt to call her.The person on the other end of the phone was having a great time, laughing like she had never done in her life.But she ignores me.When I was about to starve to death, it was my father who brought people around to look for me.In fact, I have been waiting for them to love me, to teach me how to love.Maybe so.I waited for a long time and no one came.

Primary school is very sunny, and I always want everyone to feel that children who grow up in single-parent families can be very happy.Yes, there are quite a few healthy kids like that, but I'm not (well, I get it, know you have a friend who does).I couldn't stop thinking of them as normal parents, and I couldn't help but want a little love that other kids can reach out and reach.I once thought that my father was optimistic and my mother was strong, so I wanted to learn from them.It's not like this.One blind, one paranoid.Every time I want to say to myself, when I grow up, I will have the ability to build my own world, where there are stable relationships, sincere emotions, everyone loves each other, and they are truly like family.But I am not yet able to support myself, nor can I not love them and expect them.I always subconsciously stood there waiting, quiet and well-behaved, thinking that I was a daughter who would be truly doted on by them.Waiting for them to love me, waiting for them to fulfill my expectation of being loved.Time and time again, I don't know how many times, I want to wait like this, waiting for the kind of self-righteous, natural love that will come one day.It hasn't come yet.Maybe it will come tomorrow, maybe it will never come in a lifetime.

I thought, without me, they would not have to get married, and their lives would be better than they are now. (Well, I understand, so there are people around you who think so.) Yes, as you said, people cannot decide whether they will be born or not.Moreover, when we thought about this, we suddenly discovered that we have been born for so long, more than ten years, and there is no way to go back to the past when we didn’t understand anything.Everyone has nothing but the front.We have to live.

So, I think, my previous decision was right.In addition to waiting, I want to grow up, live independently, and find a way of life that belongs to me, a new way of life.It is not this kind of waiting, waiting in place with vain hopes.This stagnation is indistinguishable from death, it just robs my life of all meaning, even if I am still alive.We cannot choose whether to be born, but we must always find a way to choose how to live.Maybe it is easy for fate to destroy a person, and it will be destroyed in a blink of an eye.However, people should not give up the opportunity to choose their own life because of this, and they cannot leave all the rights of how to live, how to love, and how to die to fate.

So you understand why I was so angry with you just now, right?I understand your hesitation and hesitation, and even appreciate the attitude that you are being responsible to others.But you also have to take responsibility for your own life.Not just living, not just not hurting others, you have to find the meaning of your own life, instead of standing still and watching others.You are alive.You need to act.You can't be full of expectations of others, but you have no demands on yourself. "What do you want to do in the future, you have to think carefully; don't always stare blankly at the distance, don't always stare blankly at the distance and dream!"[1] Letters will come from afar, wake up from sleep Well, your blood is still circulating, your life is far from dead. [2] Don't find others, but lose yourself.

Meimei smiled and looked at me.

In fact, you have a very stable and harmonious family.Your family will be the envy of many people. Relatives can tolerate and tolerate each other. Even if you release each other's emotions and cannot understand each other for a while, you will not hold grudges.For Meimei or Li Bin, this is a luxury.Can you imagine?You lived in this atmosphere until three years ago.After that, your parents still want to restore that environment, but everyone knows that it is difficult to go back to the past, and they are just barely supporting each other.They can still hold on, and they can maintain their roles in the family, but you can't hold on anymore.

If there is no such thing, death is still far away from your life, you will probably not think about things that are too far away from you, grow up ordinary and healthy, and then be with most people Just like people, get into college, plan your career, start a family.You may be a qualified husband, or even a father, decent, gentle, stable, and understanding, and you will work hard even if you don't like things.In your mind, there is no other model than the family style that your parents taught you.Then you don't have to think about anything anymore, you can repeat your life for decades and be praised by others.

Everything is based on the integrity of this family.Once it is not like this, you will also find that many things are not so solid.

You are lucky to have so many people around you who care about you and love you.You are also willing to care for others.But you have been shrunk in your own little world for a long time.Have you ever really thought about what kind of life you want?You're just waiting for yourself to grow from a little boy to a grown-up, thinking you'll have the answer then, don't you?Maybe many people do too.

But you should be clear that even if you grow up, you may not have a real answer.Perhaps you have accepted your destiny.It would be too cruel for a person to see the decades before his death at a glance.Although many people can't even imagine the future, they have to work hard for their daily lives.But if you realized that your life would be so shrinking and static, wouldn't you consider any change?Even if it is difficult for people to really change themselves: living in the shadow of existence all their lives, it may be difficult to even know themselves.But in these three years, you can feel that you consciously want to discover yourself, you want to know who you are, and you want to find your connection with your past life.That being the case, why have you been hesitant to move forward?

Perhaps people exhaust all their efforts, and what they accomplish is just an ordinary life.But maybe on the day of death, when all the roles people play fade away, there will be a chance to feel what makes us who we are, what matters most.Everyone will die, but not everyone can find the value of their own life, the most precious value for themselves rather than others.You have other people's blood on your hands and your own sins, but that's no reason for you to give up improving yourself.You can calmly persuade others to live a good life and not let life down.What about yourself?You also said that we are still very young, and there are infinite possibilities.Is this just for Li Bin?You want to be better, but you don't know what to do, you are afraid that your behavior will implicate others again, and you doubt whether you can really live like a normal person.It is easier for you to pay with your own blood than for others.But you must know that when people exist, they will have an impact on the world all the time.You must accept this and then take responsibility for your actions.Only when life has completely lost its meaning, people don't have to be responsible, and life at that time has withered.

You should act, it's not running away, it's not self-forgiveness.With an unforgettable past, people can still take steps forward, no matter how difficult it is.This is valuable.The moment you move forward, life is running again, re-entering the endless flow of the world.Man is destroyed again and again, but as long as he puts his life on the track, he is not defeated.He cast a contemptuous and weary laugh at those visible and invisible disgusts, and hissed: I am far away from you, and you cannot catch up with me.

The day you meet your brother, make sure you can tell that there is something else in my life other than the crimes I committed against you.Something comes off like a dream, those joys and bitters that have been tasted and chewed over and over again.I put them away now, along with the unrecognizable shell, which has no meaning, but I still have a little memory.It tells me that there was a person like me and a person like you in the world.I didn't lose myself, and I didn't lose you who accompanied me in my life.Now that I am here, it is not too early, but I have kept you waiting for a long time.I have always loved you and accepted everything you will do to me.

It will be a long, long time before you meet him, long enough for you to find the meaning of your life and the way you live it.

Thank you, Meme.I figured out a lot of things.

You're welcome.Here comes your car, I see it.In fact, we passed several cars before, and we chatted for too long, so we missed it.However, you don't seem to be in a hurry, which is fine.Heading back to school?Is it to find someone, is there someone waiting for you there?
Both are.I am looking for someone, and someone is waiting for me.Bye now.See you next time.

We will see you again, and you will be happy too.Goodbye and get well soon.

Huddled in the back seat, after an unknown amount of time, I took out my phone.It's almost two o'clock, but I feel that the time has passed longer than I thought.

There were three missed calls, all from Mi Le.There are also a bunch of WeChat messages, he is asking me why I didn't answer the phone.

I decided not to go back to him now.Tell him when you get to the dormitory.It's just that there are too many things I want to say, and I don't know where to start.Fortunately, I still have time to think about it.Perhaps, our first words after meeting will be exactly the same - I'm back.

[1] Meimei's words are quoted from Feng Zhi's poem "Northern Journey · 12 · Memorial Service", and the following few sentences are also using this poem.

(End of this chapter)