Wuthering Heights

Chapter 38

"Nellie, there is a strange change approaching, and I am in its shadow now. I don't mind my daily life, and I hardly remember to eat or drink. The two who just went out, only Having them left me with a clear and tangible image, and that image made me sore that I could cry. I don't want to say anything about her, I don't want to think about it, but I really hope she doesn't let me See, seeing her just drives me crazy. He moves me differently, but as long as I can do it and don't let people think I'm crazy, I'd rather never see him again! Maybe you think I It's going to be crazy," he continued with an effort to smile, "yes, if I try to describe the thousands of memories of the past that he awakens, or embodies! But don't you talk about what I tell you, my heart is long Confining myself, in the end, I can't help but confide to another heart.

"Five minutes ago, Hareton seemed to be the embodiment of my youth, not to say the image - I saw him with so many emotions that I couldn't speak to him rationally.

"In the first place, he resembles Catherine strikingly, which binds him to her. Maybe you'd think that's what captures my imagination the most, but it's the least -- because, what didn't make me Think of her? What doesn't remind me of her? When I look at the ground, her face appears on the stone slabs! In every cloud, in every tree, the night fills the air, and the day and everything One look, her image always surrounds me! The most common faces of men and women, even my own, mock me with sarcasm for being too like her. The whole world is a terrible memorial, Remind me that she really existed, remind me that I've lost her!

"Yes, Hareton's countenance was the ghost of my immortal love, and reflected how I struggled to cling to my power, my corruption, my pride, my joy, and my pain-- —

"But I'm really dizzy when I tell you these thoughts. I just want you to know that I have no choice but to stay alone for such a long time. Why is it not beneficial to have him as a company? On the contrary, it aggravates my unbearable torture .It's half of the reason, I don't bother to care about how he and his cousin get along, I can't keep an eye on them, no more."

"But what do you mean by 'change,' Mr. Heathcliff?" I asked, startled by his look, though I judged he was.Fairly strong and healthy, not in danger of losing my mind, nor looking like dying.And, as far as his mind was concerned, he had been fond of perching on dark things since he was a boy, and indulging in some queer fantasies.He may have developed a kind of paranoia about his long-gone idol, but in other respects his mind was as sound as mine.

"I can't tell, I'll just have to wait for it to come," he said. "I just have a vague impression at the moment."

"You don't feel sick, do you?" I asked.

"No, Nelly, I haven't," he answered.

"So you're not afraid of death?" I asked again.

"Afraid of death? No!" he replied. "I am not afraid of death. I have neither a presentiment nor a desire to die. Why should I die? I am strong in body, I live moderately, and I do not risk my life. Live in this world before everything turns gray. But I can't go on living this day! I have to remind myself to breathe, almost remind my heart to beat! It's like bending a piece of spring steel...  If it wasn't driven by that thought, I would do the smallest things out of compulsion, if it weren't for the ubiquitous thought, every time I look at everything, dead or alive, it would be out of compulsion... I have but one wish, and my whole life, all my faculties, have been expecting it to be fulfilled. They have been expecting it for such a long time, so much so that I am convinced that the day will come, and soon, because it has It's devouring my existence. I've been drowned in that premonition that it's consummated.

"My confessions do not relieve my pain. They do, however, explain aspects of my erratic temperament which would otherwise be unreasonable. Oh God! I have struggled too long, and I hope it sooner past!"

He started pacing up and down the room, muttering horrible things to himself, until I was inclined to believe, as he said Joseph believed, that he had a conscience that turned his heart into living hell.I really wonder how this is going to end.

Although it was rare for him to reveal this state of mind before, and he didn't even show his expression, this is his usual state of mind, I have no doubts.He said it himself now, but judging from his usual behavior, no one can guess the truth.You didn't guess it when you saw him, Mr. Lockwood.During the period to which I speak, he was the same as ever, except that he was more solitary, or spoke less often in public.

After that night, Mr. Heathcliff avoided seeing us at meals for a few days.But he would not admit it officially, and asked Hareton and Cathy to go away.He was unwilling to surrender completely and completely to his emotions like this, and would rather choose to be absent.One meal 24 hours a day seems to be enough for him.

One night when the whole family was asleep, I heard him come downstairs and out the front door.I did not hear him come in again, and in the morning I found he still hadn't come back.

It was April, and the weather was warm and sweet. The grass was bathed in spring rain and sunshine, and it was green. The two short apple trees near the south wall were already full of flowers.

After breakfast Catherine made me take a chair, and take my work, and sit down under the fir tree at the end of the house.She urged Hareton, who had already recovered, to dig and arrange the little garden for her, which, because of Joseph's complaints, had been moved to that corner.

I was comfortably enjoying the fragrance of spring around me, and the blue sky above my head was so beautiful, when suddenly my young lady came over. She ran all the way to the gate of the gate, trying to gather some primrose roots to surround the flowerbed, but now she has picked half of them He ran back and told us Heathcliff was coming.

"He talked to me," she added, bewildered.

"What did he say?" asked Hareton.

"He told me to go away, the sooner the better," she replied. "But his expression was completely different from usual. I couldn't help stopping my steps and looked at him for a while."

"How?" he asked.

"Oh, almost beaming. No, almost nothing--very excited, wild with joy!" she answered.

"The evening walks are good for him, then," I said, pretending not to mind.Actually.I was as surprised as she was, and wanted to confirm whether what she said was true or not, because seeing the master in high spirits was not a daily phenomenon, I found an excuse to enter the house.

Heathcliff stood by the open door.He was pale and trembling, but, true enough, there was a strange joy in his eyes which changed the expression of his whole countenance.

"Would you like breakfast?" I asked. "You must be hungry, wandering around all night!"

I want to find out where he went, but I don't want to ask him directly.

"No. I'm not hungry," he replied, turning his head away, speaking with a little contempt, as if guessing that I was trying to speculate on the origin of his good mood.

I was rather dismayed.I don't know if this is a good opportunity to give him some advice.

"I don't think it's right," I said, "to go out and walk around when you should be in bed. Anyway, it's not advisable in this wet season. I dare say you're going to have a bad cold if you don't." Fever - now you have some symptoms!

"Nothing, I can bear it," he answered, "and I'm happiest if you leave me alone. Come in, and leave me alone."

I obeyed.As I walked past him, I noticed that he was breathing like a cat.

"Yeah!" I thought to myself, "we're going to have a big sickness. I don't see what he's done!"

At noon that day he sat down to eat with us, and at lunch he took from me an overcrowded plate, as if intent on making up for the previous fast.

"I don't have a cold or a fever, Nelly," he said, alluding to my morning remarks. "I'm here to deal with the food you gave me."

He picked up the knife and fork and was about to start eating when his appetite seemed to disappear suddenly.He put the food on the table, looked eagerly toward the window, then got up and went out.

We saw him walking up and down the garden when we had finished eating.Earnshaw said he thought of going up and asking him why he wouldn't eat, thinking we were hurting him by being there.

"Hello, is he coming?" asked Catherine when her cousin returned.

"No," he answered, "but he wasn't angry, and he seemed to be very happy. It's just that I asked him twice, which made him impatient. Then he told me to go away and come to you." , he doesn't understand how I want company from anyone else."

I put his pan on the grate to keep warm.After one or two hours, he came back again. At this time, there was no one in the room, but he seemed calmer. It was also very unnatural, really unnatural joy flashed on his black eyebrows. Down.Also bloodless.His teeth are clearly visible from time to time, as if smiling.His body was trembling, not the kind of trembling caused by cold or weakness, but like a taut string vibrating, a strong shock, not a shiver.

I should ask what's going on, I thought, or who will ask again?Then I cried:
"Have you heard any good news, Mr. Heathcliff? You look unusually excited."

"Where is there good news for me!" He said. "I'm excited and hungry, but it seems that I can't eat anymore."

"Here's your lunch," I replied. "Why don't you take it and eat it?"

"I don't want to eat right now," he grunted hastily. "I'd like to wait till supper. And, Nelly, just for once, I beg you to see Hareton and the other get away from me. I don't want to be disturbed—I want to be here alone."

"Do you have any new reason for humiliating yourself like this?" I asked. "Tell me why you are so queer, Mr. Heathcliff. Where were you last night? I am not asking out of idle curiosity, but—"

"You're asking a boring and curious question," he interrupted me with a laugh. "But I will answer it. Last night I stood on the threshold of hell. Today I saw my heaven, I saw it with my own eyes, and it was within three feet of me! Now you'd better go away You won't see or hear anything to frighten you, as long as you keep yourself from peeping."

Sweeping the stove and wiping the dining table, I left more confused than before.

He didn't come out of the hall again that afternoon, and no one crashed into his silent world, until eight o'clock, when I thought it was time, though he hadn't called, to take a candle, take his supper, and give him sent.

He was leaning against the sill of a latticed window, which was open, but he did not look out, his face was on the dim light of the room.The fire had burned to ashes, and the room was filled with the damp mild air of a cloudy night, so still that not only the murmur of the brook at Gimmerton could be heard clearly, but could even be heard rushing over the pebbles and across it. The gurgling sound of a big rock that cannot be submerged.

Seeing the dying stove, I couldn't help but let out a cry of dissatisfaction, and then I started to close the windows, one after another, until I reached him.

"Do you want to close this door?" I asked, deliberately telling him to stand up, because he refused to move.

The candlelight fell upon his countenance as I spoke.Oh, Mr. Lockwood, I cannot express the horror of my surprise, but just glanced at him!Those sunken black eyes!That smile, that ghostly pallor!It seemed to me that it was not Mr. Heathcliff, but a ghost.In my fright, the candle fell sideways and hit the wall, and I was suddenly plunged into darkness.

"Yes, close it," he replied, in his usual voice. "Look, what a clumsy hand! How do you hold the candle sideways? Come on, and get another one."

I hurried out, foolishly frightened, and said to Joseph:
"The master wants you to bring him a candle and light the stove again." Because at that time I really didn't dare to go in again.

Joseph put some fire in the coal scuttle and went in.But he took it out again in a second, holding the dinner plate in his other hand, and explained that Heathcliff was going to bed, that he didn't want to eat anything, and that we'd have to talk about it in the morning.

We heard him go straight up the stairs, but instead of going to his usual bedroom, he turned the corner and entered the room with the paneled bed, which had wide windows, as I said before, anyone could Crawling in and out, it occurred to me that he had planned another late-night outing, and this time he didn't want us to be suspicious.

"Is he a ghoul, or a vampire?" I wondered to myself.I have read of this kind of hideous horror, the devil in human form.Then I thought about how it must have been absurd to be so scared now that I had cared for him as a child, watched him grow up, and followed him almost all my life.

"But where did he come from, that little nigger, to be raised by a good man till he dies?" I muttered suspiciously, and drifted off to sleep.I began to think about his biological parents half-dream and half-awake, and I was so tired of thinking.I went over the reflections I had just had in my waking hours, recalled his life again, and added some frightening changes.In the end, I dreamed of his death and funeral, but now I only remember that I was dying of anxiety, because the inscription on his tombstone and the sexton in the church fell to me. on the head.And, as he had no surname, and we couldn't tell how old he was, we had to be content to stamp him with "Heathcliff."That dream came true, and we really did.If you go to the cemetery, all you can read on his stone is that word, and the year he died.

Dawn restored my daily senses.I got up, and as soon as I could see clearly, I went into the garden to see if there were any footprints under his window.No footprints.

"He's staying in the house," I thought, "he'll be all right today!"

I prepared breakfast for the family, as was customary in me, but I told Hareton and Catherine to have it first, before the master came down, for he was a late sleeper.They took their breakfast outside and enjoyed it under the tree, and I set up a small table for them.

Going into the house again, I found Heathcliff downstairs.He and Joseph were talking about the fields.He gave clear and detailed instructions on this topic, but he spoke very quickly, kept turning his head to one side, and his expression was equally excited, or even more intense.

(End of this chapter)