Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 24
For most extramarital lovers, extramarital affairs are more than a play or embellishment to the dull life of the weekend.However, it is also a beneficial arrangement that can last for years.The flowering period of extramarital affairs is often between the extremes of physical completion and withering and aging.From our sample collection, although the data of men and women are slightly different, and the questionnaires and interview objects are different, generally speaking, they can be compared with each other, and can be summarized into the following points:
Between one in ten and one in four first affairs lasts only one day;
Slightly more than one-tenth lasts more than a day but less than a month;

Nearly half lasted more than a month, but less than a year;
About a quarter lasted more than two years, but only a handful lasted more than four years.

Blooming period of extramarital affairs
These findings contradict Kinsey's findings in the United States.Kinsey did not cite statistics to support his opinion. He believed that the most common form of extramarital affairs was a one-night spring dinner on weekends, while another scholar named Chubb believed that long-term, even life-long extramarital affairs were quite common.However, the population they sampled is different from what we have done in the major cities along the coast of China: Kinsey studied the lower social class, Chubb was limited to the upper middle class; and our data is very clear on this point, that is, the Among white-collar workers, most extramarital affairs last for weeks to years.

According to Kinsey, for most cheaters, extramarital activities happen sporadically, during vacations, runaways, etc.But our data and interviews show otherwise, with half of our sources saying they see their partner at least once a week on a fairly regular basis.But meeting the partner of an affair on a regular basis over a period of weeks to years entails many practical problems.

The first is contact.In the early stage of an affair, it is relatively easy for both parties to communicate, but after the physical union is completed, the need for communication and the risks of communication increase significantly.An affair never has the opportunity to learn skills from another person. The reason is that marital infidelity, unlike divorcees or opioid addicts, has no social subcultural group to identify with. groping.Occasionally, a few thoughts can be shared with similar men and women, and sometimes novels and dramas devoted to extramarital affairs also provide some hints on techniques, but most new affair lovers have to solve their own difficulties in communication, or learn skills from cheating couples.The latter is prone to the following troubles:
She: But what if he happens to be home when you call in, what if he answers?You know he comes in and out during the day, the time is not fixed!
Him: I'll say, "We're from Home Magazine Circulation, and we have a special offer for new readers..."

She: (sourly) You seem to know how to do it, you are very experienced.

Him: I made it up on the spur of the moment.

Her: Come on, I don't care if you've had many affairs.

Him: You care.I can hear it.Even if I am really experienced, so what?
Her: Do you want to fight without incident?
Him: Who started it?me or you?

She: Who started what?

He: Women are really unbearable, really unbearable.

She: I bet you know women perfectly.

Generally speaking, the two parties need to agree on a relatively safe time to talk on the phone, give a secret signal or warn the police, lest someone suddenly appear around you without any precautions.But most new cheaters feel awkward and uncomfortable talking about these kinds of issues.Even though lying and deception is a must-have skill for an affair person, both parties are reluctant to be easily seen by the other as a seasoned liar at the beginning of their affair.Therefore, when discussing these details for the first time, both parties of the affair were quite hesitant and fidgety.These uncomfortable feelings will gradually fade away after the two parties get to know each other, that is, they have gradually adapted to their emotional infidelity.

Men and women who at first shy away from negotiating phone-calling skills gradually become more or less comfortable with this sensitive issue, and take this comfort as a sign of a maturing extramarital relationship.

As the discomfort fades away, the ideas become bolder and the ways to deal with difficult situations more in-case.Both parties borrow or invent techniques with ease, so that they can respond calmly in moments of danger or when strangers suddenly appear in front of them.

Some people are so comfortable and bold that they even dare to speak on the phone in secret language.They have made it clear in advance that if the spouse answers the phone, it would be unwise to hang up, because this will make the other party who knew nothing about it suspicious, and finally confirm what had been slightly doubted.Therefore, countermeasures are needed, such as falsely claiming "the wrong number is dialed":
"Xinyun, is that you? I'm looking for Xinyun. Is there extension [-] at your place? No? I'm sorry!"

If the spouse recognizes the voice of the person on the phone, especially if they are still good friends, then obviously this method will not work.It stands to reason that using a false voice is a good way, but few people have this kind of special ability to cover up the past.Unless it is planned in advance before making the call, when the call is made, the spouse who answers the phone is likely to cause the other party's suspicion and doubts because of the vagueness of his/her words.

Letters may be safer than phone calls if the parties live far apart, or if the cheating spouse is home a lot.But letters also have some obvious risks: An unfamiliar return address (even if anonymous) is sure to arouse suspicion in the spouse.Not including the return address is even more suspicious.Many people then come up with another workaround, which is to rent a post office box, and any private secret letter can be sent there.However, this method also has its dangers, that is, you often encounter the problem of acquaintances when you go to the designated post office.If you rent a PO Box, sooner or later someone will discover the secret of how he or she gets letters from the PO Box.In our country, almost all households use postmen to deliver letters, and the above-mentioned practice seems quite peculiar.Besides, going back and forth to a certain community center every day to pick up a letter that I don’t know if it is available is really a lot of trouble, and the time and experience costs are both problems.

It is quite safe to send the letter to the office and indicate "private letter".But the secretary is a discerning person, and he can tell at a glance.The letter marked "private letter" gives the secretary unlimited room for imagination.This method isn't necessarily dangerous, but it can be uncomfortable.

"Good morning, Mr. So-and-so, your letter is on your desk," said the secretary.

He took a look, and saw a large pile of letters, official letters, all opened up and spread out one by one.There is also a small pile of two strange, feminine handwriting, and the envelope is marked "private letter", which has not been opened.He glanced at the secretary outside the glass door, and the other party gave him a knowing look and a subtle smile, and he had a tacit understanding.

Burning love letters or tearing them up and flushing them down the toilet is a pain.But keeping it(s) is absolutely foolish.The refrigerator, the Encyclopaedia Britannica, the underwear drawer, the carton of last year's bills, which seemed like ideal places to stash love letters, turned out to be extremely unsafe in hindsight.

Even writing love letters at home can be risky, because at any moment your spouse can appear in front of you, looking at the paper you are writing and asking questions.

The second type of practical problem faced by cheaters is finding suitable places for sexual activity.Going to a hotel may discourage sex.What if an acquaintance sees it in the lobby?Staying in a hotel with nothing in your hands is tantamount to declaring your intention to come without asking yourself.Almost every novice pretends to carry a small suitcase, so as not to face the silent knowing smile of the counter staff, which looks like revealing the privacy of the body to them.

If one party in an extramarital affair is single and has his own residence, many accommodation problems can be easily solved.The major remaining issue is the arrival and departure of spouses.The smaller the community, the greater the risk of being recognized.If both are married, but one spouse is away all day, then perhaps the marital bed can be used exclusively as a place for sex.Sometimes early in the morning, the husband and children meet together as soon as they leave the house.But they prefer to take their lunch break, when the extramarital man can leave the office without arousing questions.But no matter what time you choose, meeting during the day also carries risks.Neighbors can see people coming and going, and the good mood of a lover's tryst can be ruined at any time by the sudden ringing of the phone or doorbell.

The third problem is timing.Most office workers have extramarital affairs, and the distance between the two is relatively long.Especially for housewives with children, dating during the day can be difficult, if not impossible.A date on the way home from work in the evening can be an occasional thing, and there must be an excuse for being late.Even if such appointments are successful, the frequency should not be too many.

In contrast, excuses for irregular dates are easier to come up with, such as going home late for a business meeting, gathering with old comrades; for women, participating in aerobics, going to Kraoke with company colleagues, etc.But for a long-term extramarital affair, both parties must find some regular excuses, such as official business that needs to leave home regularly, and does not need to be explained every time. Among them, tolerance is a better excuse.Or the lawyer or insurance agent needs to meet with the client in the evening, the male partner who has not played bridge for many years proposes a regular opening, the housewife falsely claims that she has signed up for a half-year flower arrangement home economics class, and the teacher needs to stay in the office to guide the soon-to-be graduate A college student's graduation thesis, and so on.

Affair people use various methods to get each other to see each other often, even if only for a short time.They even meet in the presence of their spouses at parties, taking a twisted pleasure from being close but unable to satisfy lust.At this point, the spouse becomes the safest cover for them to be together.The fleeting eyes or blown kisses, the whispers that pass by each other while dancing, the hints or gestures of mutual understanding, all of these make this meeting both bitter and gratifyingly sweet .

When recognizing these difficulties and seeking solutions, both parties to the affair are clearly aware of the urgency of keeping secrets.But as they mastered their affair skills, they became more prepared for what might happen.They find that many mistakes are the result of their own failure to give due consideration.For example, a man started to exercise to lose weight, wear fashionable clothes, and pay attention to his appearance in the mirror. A series of unusual actions have already aroused the suspicion of his extremely sensitive wife.The always cheerful woman who had extramarital affairs suddenly became silent in marriage and family, and often sighed involuntarily.The unintentional husband asked her why she was so upset, and she realized that she had not carefully controlled her emotional exposure.

Even more difficult to control is the impact of extramarital affairs on an individual's sexual behavior in marriage and family.Most people do their best to maintain normalcy, but doing so is often not easy.As mentioned earlier, some people become impotent or apathetic during sex with their spouse because of guilt; others, despite their extra efforts to maintain a "win-win" situation, feel overwhelmed because they are struggling to cope with both sides. People, get physically and mentally exhausted.One can imagine the difficulty of a man who has just pulled out all the stops with his lover, and then comes home to find his wife in high spirits.Under the same circumstances, a woman may be relatively simple physically, but become extremely heavy psychologically.

There is another danger.When the extramarital parties return home, they will unconsciously reveal enthusiasm or new knowledge that makes the spouse unbelievable in bed with their spouse.This situation may be obvious, such as accidentally saying something like "Why are you different from others, you never snort", which arouses the suspicion of your spouse.

Although having an affair will inevitably encounter various risks and involuntarily reveal some flaws, there are also long-lasting extramarital affairs that do not conflict with marriage.Conflict avoidance is often credited to the "cooperation" of the cheated spouse, who refuses to heed or believe the signs.In both our samples, only one in six spouses knew at the time of the incident that their partner was having an affair, and many said in retrospect they should have known but refused to see what was happening in front of them.Even if the partner occasionally slips up, or receives a strange phone call, etc., the cheated spouse still refuses to pay attention to it, or feels suspicious but strongly rejects it, or doubts but avoids questioning, or questions but accepts him/ She flatly denied it.

Many secret affairs are eager to confess.They are full of warring emotions of love and loyalty, hoping to resolve the conflict without hurting anyone.They are eager to explain to their spouses that people may love two people at the same time, and hope that their spouses can understand and forgive them, and even allow them to continue their relationship with extramarital lovers, just like children hope that their loving parents will forgive their naughty behavior, At the same time, let them continue to do things willfully.But, just as few parents pamper their children, few ideal spouses are so generous as to allow their extramarital excesses.As a result, the urge to confess and hope to explain clearly stopped here for the time being.

limited emotional investment

Some affairs do not continue to grow after the physical completion, but remain in the early stages of development: the number of conversations, meals, and intercourse increases, but they do not become closer to each other, nor do they become closer in life.The flirting, flirting, refusal, and sexual excitement before the first sexual experience are still the main theme of their extramarital affairs.Although they are physically united, everything on the inside remains largely locked away.For most of these cheaters, limited emotional investment is what makes the extramarital relationship comfortable and satisfying.Here are two examples of how this type of relationship is expressed:

"The only thing he and I have in common is an unhappy marriage and an interest in chatting in a daze at the black tea house on Sunday. This is what our two families often do when we get together. We are neighbors and we are very harmonious. But neither his wife nor my husband knows In the long run, he wasn't right for me, but the current relationship is not bad: he is compassionate, good-looking, and our affair came easily. The affair was a marriage that I felt was a failure. It's like a magic bullet, it takes the pain away, but it doesn't cure it. And that's what I'm looking for."

"Whenever I travel, I'm with her. And she's seen me as a man who can tell her secrets and tell her heart. But I've never been in love with her. She'll say, 'Baby, as a lover' , you are impeccable, and your work in bed is awesome! But emotionally, you can't make my heart beat.' After she finished, she lit a cigarette and put it on the corner of her mouth. Exciting, but we seem to be missing something. I know you don't really care about me.""

Several behavioral scientists have begun to suggest that extramarital affairs may not only be harmless but helpful in certain marriages.According to Virginia Satir, president of the Esalen Institute at Big Sur, a family therapist, extramarital affairs are the key to keeping many contemporary marriages from becoming bland or even ruined. "Inevitable and necessary".Chubb and Harroff reported that some of their interviewees said their lives and their spouses' lives had been benefited by the affair rather than harmed by it.The anthropologist Bronislaw Malinowski, speaking of preliterate cultures, argues that extramarital activities are not a rival to marriage, but a complement to it.Other anthropologists also pointed out that in many societies, there are ritual or socially sanctioned extramarital sex, and its function can be changed to a limited extent to prevent harmful ambiguous relationships between men and women and to protect marriage.

(End of this chapter)