Use a little mind reading every day

Chapter 2

exercise your powers of observation

I don’t know if you watch romance or idol dramas in your spare time, what’s your biggest feeling after being sad and happy together or watching with a cold eye?Have you noticed that the heroine is always a little "little white", full of weed-like vitality, going through hardships, but still optimistic, to be precise, with inexplicable and bottomless joy, always innocent?Perhaps the weight of such joyful emotions varies in various works, so sometimes you may think that the heroine is too imbecile in life, and sometimes you think it is this kind of optimism that makes people like it.Of course, such a heroine will generally drive the hero crazy.Why is this?Answer 1: Because this is an idol drama.Answer 2: Such is life.

If you are aware of the above role settings, congratulations, you should have a deeper understanding in our study of this class, and you should master it faster.

In-depth communication between people is difficult, because the gap between people is deep-rooted. Maybe we have never given up the possibility of seeking understanding, but in fact, it is very difficult to truly understand a person.There is an experiment like this: you and your friend sit opposite each other, and you both write down a word that describes your mood at the moment on your own white paper.Then you use expressions to express the emotion described by this word to each other, fix your expressions for ten seconds, and make sure your friends understand what you want to express.Then you write the word that represents the emotion you think the other person is trying to convey to you.What will you discover then?Most of the testees may have been leaving their own data for a conclusion, that is, the gap between people is huge, even if you are face to face and are confidantes, you don't understand what the other person wants to express at all.Someone once said: the difference between people is no less than the difference between people and monkeys.

Even though understanding is so difficult, some people are good at understanding and reading others. Why is this?In fact, this is not completely impossible.What it requires is that you have enough enthusiasm to read a person, collect all the signals and clues you can collect like deciphering codes, and then use your patience, and you will learn from this book. sequential reader program.As long as you ask yourself to practice this way often, you will get better at it.It may be difficult to understand a person, but there are still rules to follow to grasp and understand him in general.

The following is a short story, maybe you can find something from it.It's time to put your observation skills to the test.

Neptune has twelve beautiful and kind daughters.They have a tradition that children can swim to the surface of the sea to see the world above when they grow up.Each sister came back from the upper world, chirping and telling what she had seen. They swam farther and closer to the land one by one.The youngest mermaid floats to the surface of the sea for the first time as an adult.She fell in love with the prince on the boat, and saved him who fell into the water.But she couldn't go ashore, so she just tried to lift the prince to the shore.In this way, she returned to the sea with a love for the prince.Her sister gathered around the little mermaid and asked her what fun she had met, but she just hung her head and remained silent.Who knows her wish?
She would often swim up to it.She knew where the prince lived.Here on the water she passed many evenings and nights.She swam farther to land than any other sister dared to go.Indeed, she even swam down the narrow river, down to the magnificent marble balcony, whose long shadows were reflected in the water.Here she sat and looked at the young prince who thought he was alone in the moonlight.

Several nights she saw him sailing the magnificent ship with its many flags to the sound of music.She peeped up from among the green rushes.When the wind lifted her long silver visor, if anyone saw it, they thought it was a swan spreading its wings.

Several nights she heard the fishermen say many words of praise about the prince, as they went out to sea with torches.She cheered up, feeling that she had come to save his life when the waves beat him half to death; she remembered how tightly his head lay in her arms, and how passionately she kissed him .But he himself knew nothing of these things, and he never even dreamed of her.

"Why can't we get an immortal soul?" the little mermaid asked sadly. "As long as I can become a human being and enter the upper world (the little mermaid uses this word to refer to the human world), even if I only live there for one day, I am willing to give up the hundreds of years of life I can live here."

So the little mermaid went to find the witch at the bottom of the sea.The witch agreed to help her, but on condition that she took away her voice, the most beautiful voice in the whole bottom of the sea.

"But if you take my voice away," said the little mermaid, "what have I left?"

"You still have a beautiful figure," answered the witch, "you have your light steps and expressive eyes. With these things you will easily captivate a man's heart. Well, you have Lost your courage? Stick out your little tongue, and I'll cut it off as a reward, and you'll get this strong potion."

"Let's do it like this," said the little mermaid.

In this way, the little mermaid turned into a human form and came to the side of the prince.She is so obedient, always only looking at the prince, people love her graceful dance.It's just that no one knows what kind of pain from stepping on the blade is tormenting her when she dances lightly.

The prince loved her more and more every day.He loved her like a good, loving child, but it never occurred to him to make her his queen.Yet she must be his wife, or else she would not have an immortal soul, and would be foam at sea on the first morning of his marriage.

"Are you the one who loves me the most?" the little mermaid's eyes seemed to say as he took her into his arms and kissed her forehead.

"Yes, you are dearest to me!" said the prince, "for you have the kindest heart of all men. You are dearest to me, and you resemble a young man whom I once saw woman, but I will never see her again. I was in a boat--it was sunk. The waves pushed me ashore by a temple. There were some young women working there. Pray. The youngest of them found me on the shore and saved my life. I've only seen her twice: she's the only one in the world I could love, and you're like her, You have almost taken her place in my soul. She belongs to the temple, and it is my fortune to send you especially to me. Let us never part!"

"Oh, he doesn't know that I saved his life!" thought the little mermaid. "I lifted him out of the sea and sent him to a wood where the temple is. I sat behind the foam to see if anyone would come. I saw the beautiful girl—he loved her more than me. ’ Then the little mermaid sighed deeply—she couldn’t cry. "That girl belonged to that temple--he said it. She would never come into this world--they would never meet. I was with him and saw him every day. I To look after him, to love him, to give my life to him!"

However, the prince got married anyway, and the bride was the beautiful girl from the temple.It turned out that she was a princess from a neighboring country, and she was only in the temple because of her practice.On the night of the prince's wedding, the little mermaid's sisters found the witch, cut off their long hair and exchanged a knife for the witch.They told the little mermaid that as long as she stabs the prince's heart with the knife before dawn and makes the prince's blood flow to her leg, the little mermaid can restore her fish tail and return to the sea, and live a carefree life again. .Otherwise, she will turn into foam after dawn and disappear forever.But the little mermaid looked at the happy prince and threw himself into the sea.

Some people say that fairy tales are the cruelest torture in the world.After reading this story, what do you find out?
Some people thought the prince was a fool, some said the little mermaid was out of his depth, and some observed that the prince only loved himself.But then again, why on earth should you read this story?The most important thing is to hope that everyone will find one thing from it, that is, the little mermaid is dumb.Naturally, we are not just talking about the little mermaid being dumb, but the important thing is that the little mermaid's expressive eyes express her love for the prince. What she cares most about is that the prince will marry her, and the prince only wants to marry the woman who saves him. , but do not know the little mermaid is.Did the little mermaid tell the prince?No.She can express a lot with her body, but only this most important thing she can't tell him.This also artificially led to a tragedy.So what we have to learn here is to be honest with strangers and tell everything you can.Only in this way can he minimize his defense against you.Of course, there is a question of scale to be grasped.If you are overly enthusiastic and let people increase their defensiveness because you "don't treat yourself as an outsider", it will be self-defeating.

make a good impression
Each of us is defensive when facing strangers.Just pay attention to the indifferent expressions of everyone in the public space, and you will know how tightly everyone wraps themselves up.Maybe you will say that you are just too tired to talk.But you can't deny that on top of your tiredness, you are still wearing a piece of armor with great effort, and you are ready to stand up and fight at any time. This is another meaning of the indifference on everyone's face.What we want to talk about here is never to be intimidated by this indifferent mask, go forward bravely, talk about the weather with others lightly, talk about yourself, and talk about your own things.In this process, maybe you will be able to discover each other's common concern, and maybe you will knock on the other side's door from then on.

Here we might as well refer to the "hedgehog effect" in psychology to take care of the scale problem when dealing with people.

The "hedgehog effect" comes from a Western fable, which says that in the cold winter, two hedgehogs have to cuddle up to each other for warmth.At the beginning, because the distance was too close, their respective thorns pierced each other's blood dripping with blood.Later, they adjusted their postures and opened an appropriate distance from each other, which not only kept warm, but also protected each other well.This is also known as the "porcupine effect".Although the animals are different, the story is the same thing - the same animals with spines, the same huddling together to keep warm, and the same getting hurt by each other's spines.It can be said that this "hedgehog" or "porcupine effect" well reflects one thing: that is the sense of proportion in interpersonal relationships.

Different from the inevitable gathering in which they must snuggle each other for warmth in winter, in the interpersonal relationship of modern society, the best way to understand his own character is to enter his personal space.Therefore, how to obtain permission to enter other people's personal space is very necessary.If we want to understand a person, we must collect all his information for decoding (if we can not contact him, that is naturally the best), in order to ensure the accuracy of decoding, the best way is to get to know him deeply.

According to psychological research, each person's acceptance distance is different, and everyone's relationship identification with the acceptance object will cause this distance to be different.I remember that in Zhang Yimou's "Heroes", the assassins took great pains to get closer to Qin Shihuang.This also reflects from one aspect that some things must be done at close range.

A psychologist once conducted an experiment on this, and the experimental site was chosen in a classroom that had just opened in a university.The content is to sit next to a classmate in such a large classroom with only a few people, sometimes to his left, sometimes to his right, sometimes to the front or behind.Although the person chosen and the sitting position were different each time, none of the 80 people in the experiment could tolerate a stranger sitting next to him in such an empty classroom.Everyone usually finds another seat and leaves.Someone even yelled at the psychologist, asking him what the hell he was up to.

It can be seen from the above that everyone has a presupposition of personal space, and this space corresponds to the psychological distance.When we recognize the relationship between everyone in our hearts, our physical space is reflected in the distance.

On this point, anthropologist Edward Hall gave a clear answer.Generally speaking, there are four kinds of areas and distances in interpersonal communication, and each distance is consistent with the relationship between the two parties.

Intimate distance: within 15 centimeters, between 15 and 44 centimeters.

Personal distance: 46-76 cm, 76-122 cm.

Social distance: 1.2-2.1 meters, 2.1-3.7 meters.

Public distance: 3.7-7.6 meters, 10 meters away.

So a more objective way of measuring your relationship with a person, maybe by looking at how far away you are from him, and how he reacts when you try to change that distance, you can get a concise picture of your current relationship Impressed.Let's discuss below: Under a certain distance, what efforts can we make to change this distance and make the relationship go further (what is needed here is your exposure, but you have to make sure that the other party is willing to accept. Through this kind of self-exposure, you can find the common points of interest of both parties, so that your favorability index in the other party's psychology will rise in a straight line).How to reduce the distance between us?

Public Distance - Social Distance: When our distance from a person is public distance, it basically means that no one knows each other, and one of them is a celebrity who is less accessible.They usually address more than one audience across a podium or crowd.For an indent of this distance, what we need is to move forward cautiously.When you have the opportunity, take the opportunity to achieve a minimum of eye and verbal contact with the other party.Over time, your relationship can naturally enter the category of social distance.

Social distance-personal distance: After entering the social distance, if you want to enter the personal distance, it depends on the wishes of both parties.Generally speaking, interviews and interactions with people in public are maintained within the scope of social distance.This distance usually reflects the process from unfamiliarity to familiarity between people.The far end of this social distance to personal distance is usually the distance between more familiar colleagues.

Personal distance - intimate distance: This is a process from casual to close friends.Usually if you can achieve this leap, the other party has really accepted you.To achieve this leap, what you need to talk about is not the gossip and innocuous parental gossip that ordinary colleagues would talk about, but something that really involves your personal privacy and is something you want to share with each other.Such a relationship change requires mutual interest and the necessary time to accompany each other.

(Most people will have a good or bad first impression of social celebrities who have no chance to see them. The influencing factors include their appearance and the media's evaluation of their public image. In addition, women are more emotional than men, so they are more likely to be preconceived; Men are relatively more rational and have an advantage in long-term insight.)
So, what kind of manners make a bad first impression?Experts point out that talking about your private life or personal problems when you first meet, telling stories or criticizing others, talking only about yourself, being overly lively or joking, acting reckless, speaking up without giving the other person a chance to speak, thinking you are always right, or being arrogant Make a bad impression.

How to make a good first impression?This requires a clear self-knowledge, self-reflection and timely correction, such as paying attention to whether your expression is stiff or whether your smile is unpleasant; paying attention to your own image and personal hygiene; keeping silent or changing the tone of your speech when talking; looking for yourself and the other person common topics, etc.Also, the ability to liven up a conversation is important because many people use their intuition to determine whether a conversation partner is worth befriending or not.

The expert concluded by emphasizing that no one person can make a good impression on everyone, so the most important thing is not to waste time and get to know people who are worthy of association.

In fact, sometimes we don't have to stick too much to the setting of this distance, and it's okay to jump a few levels when it feels right.But still the same sentence, when shortening the distance, please open your eyes wide, mobilize all your senses, and perceive the reaction of the person in front of you to your efforts-is he willing to shorten the distance between you? relationship further?
Well, you already know what you should do to let a person be read obediently by you, and what we are going to talk about next is the preparation for you to understand him in the future.

Okay, he's already sitting there, and your relationship may already be one that can be understood in depth.If you can't get useful information at this time, it's your fault.You can't expect the other person to obediently tell you what kind of person he is.Even if he tells you what kind of person he is, you have to carefully screen out: Is he really like this?Did he lie?Did he lie actively or unconsciously?Does he know the real himself?And to achieve this kind of screening, you also need to collect all the clues you can collect with curiosity to do an integrated analysis.

There is a study from Spanish experts that may provide you with a useful reference.They believe that people's first impression of others in daily communication mainly comes from non-verbal language such as actions, gestures, appearance, gaze and expression.According to research by Maria Avia, a professor of psychology at Compludon University in Madrid, non-verbal language can provide 60% to 70% of the information when talking to someone for the first time.

So see what you need to do?
Gather information from multiple sources
You are not very good at collecting clues to observe others. The best practice objects are yourself and the people around you.As long as you pay attention to collecting clues and analyzing them, you will find that you have a detailed report on the other party in a short time.There is a girl who is sensitive and analytical enough in a small matter to give us something.

One day, the girl and the boy she just met were passing by the tree-lined path, suddenly a dwarf beggar rushed over and hugged the girl's leg.The girl screamed, but the beggar never let go, shouting: "I will let you go if you give me the money." Seeing this, the boy raised his leg and kicked the beggar without saying a word, shouting: "Give me money!" Get out!" The beggar was kicked a few steps away and rolled on the ground.The boy spat on the beggar, turned around and saw the girl, and comforted her softly, telling her not to be afraid.

The boy's face change shocked the girl.Because of this incident, she did not develop with this boy. She felt that this boy was potentially scary, which made her feel extremely insecure.Later, I heard that the boy talked about his girlfriend again, and the two soon lived together.But it didn't take long for the boy's irascible temper to be fully exposed. He often beat and abused his girlfriend. His girlfriend couldn't bear it, and even alarmed "110" when it was serious.

In the above incident, the reason why the girl did not continue to associate with that boy can be said to be emotionally impacted.As outsiders, if we look at it, what can we discover from it?It can be said that from the fact that the boy kicked the beggar without hesitation, it can be seen that this boy has a habit of violence, strictly speaking, he has a serious tendency to violence.And judging from his response to this kind of incident, this boy has a consistent way of simplifying and roughing things up.And judging from his behavior of kicking people to the ground and still spitting, this person is not kind and tolerant enough, and has a tendency to hurt people.As the saying goes: Don't chase after the poor.The boy's behavior demonstrated his extreme intolerance and unforgiving style.In the blink of an eye, he can be kind to girls, which shows that he doesn't feel wrong with this kind of behavior at all, and he also knows that his behavior is definitely not a whim, but a long-term behavior habit, and he has been unaware of it.But the more his duality and cruelty erupt in such an understatement, the more it shows that his emotions are very intense, and various emotional gradients change quickly, and he is very likely to lose control of his emotions and even lose control of his behavior because of a disagreement.

This is just in the relationship between men and women, use your curiosity reasonably, collect clues, and make analysis.After all, we are more familiar with the behavior patterns of people who are close or close to us. Once they have any abnormal behavior or abnormal behavior, we can find it with a little attention.But for people we are not familiar with, we must strictly follow the rules of reading people, observe a little bit, collect data, and make our brains get used to such a set of analysis and thinking modes.If things go on like this, you will be able to develop a pair of "sharp eyes".

(End of this chapter)