The 128 most classic philosophical essays in the world

Chapter 102 The Former Mother

[China] Xi Murong

Day by day, the old mother is changing day by day, and she has never been able to come back!
Kyle, who will be in the fourth grade after the summer vacation, started watching Sherlock Holmes these days.He can be seen everywhere studying intently with a book. By the wall, under the shade of a tree, and in the corner of a big sofa chair, my little boy has entered the weird and mysterious world of Sherlock Holmes. Around him, he didn't even have time to pay attention.

However, occasionally he would suddenly call out loudly: "Mom, mother." After I answered him, he stopped talking.Sometimes, when I was in another room and I didn't hear him calling, he would call over louder and louder. There was a little anxiety and fear in his voice. When he saw me, he would smile and say a word. Without saying a word, I turned around and went back to read his book. I chased after him and asked him what he wanted from me.He said, "Nothing, just to see if you're there."

I can't help but smile, this little boy!He must have been terrified by the plot in the book, and refused to reveal it to me, so he had to return to the real world at any time to seek my company.As long as he knows that his mother is by his side, he can follow Holmes to explore again with great courage.

Therefore, in these hot afternoons, I deliberately found something to walk around beside him, feeling very peaceful in my heart, knowing that my little boy still needs my company, and I am a happy mother.

I used to think that my mother didn't love me.That's because, I have always felt that I am the least worthy of love among the five children.I don't have the intelligence and beauty of my two older sisters, nor the quiet, gentle and lovable younger sister, nor my younger brother who is the only boy in the family.I am stubborn and suspicious, and I am really a redundant one in this family.However, I really hope that my mother can love me and say to me: "You are my favorite baby."

However, my mother has always been a silent woman.As far back as I can remember, I was always by my grandmother's side, and my mother never seemed to hug me.She always holds a younger sister or younger brother in her arms, and smiles at me from a distance. I never seem to be able to get close to her.

When I grow up, sometimes I feel unwilling, and sometimes I will cling to her like a baby, hoping that she can turn around and give me a hug, or kiss me.However, no matter how much I pestered her, hinted at her, or even begged her with a playful smile, my mother never gave me any warmer response, and she would always say: "Don't make trouble! You are such a big person, and you are not afraid of being seen by others." Laughing at you!"

Every time I quietly leave her and retreat quietly to my own corner, there will always be a familiar feeling of uneasiness and resentment in my heart, which will not disappear for a long time, until I have a child myself.

In the first few months after the baby was born, he lived with his mother and learned how to care for the baby.One day, my mother put on a wind-shielding bonnet for my child. The pink brim was adorned with tiny flowers, which made my child's face more like a fragrant rose. My mother suddenly laughed: " Rongrong, come and see, this little guy is exactly the same as when you were a child!" After finishing speaking, she took my child, my sweet and soft baby, into her arms, and kissed her several times .

I was standing at the door of the room at that time, feeling as if I had received a heavy blow in my heart. For a moment, I was sad and happy.What I long for so much, what I have been asking for but have not been able to satisfy, my mother gave it to me from the very beginning!But, why did it take me so many years to let me know and let me understand?Why is it arranged like this?

When I tidy up the desk or the suitcase, Ci'er likes to stand by and watch, because sometimes something she likes will come out. If she begs softly, I will probably give it to her. Sometimes it is a Spanish fan. , sometimes it is a beautiful notebook, sometimes it is a string of glass beads, after she gets it, she will always be ecstatic, as if she has found a treasure.

Today, she came to see the excitement again. I was sorting out those old photo albums. She picked up an enlarged photo and asked me: "Who is this?"

"This is Mom! It's the photo of me winning the first place in a dance competition in Europe!"

"Nonsense! How could it be you? How can you dance the ribbon dance?"

The dancer in the photo is gracefully waving two long ribbons, standing in the middle of the stage, her face after makeup is three parts shy and seven parts proud.

"It's me! At that time, not long after I arrived in Belgium, I participated in the international student dance competition held by the University of Leuven. I was the protagonist, and there were eight other female students dancing with me. We..."

Before she finished speaking, her classmate came roaring forward on a bicycle outside the window, calling her name loudly. The daughter jumped up and replied loudly to the window: "Come! Come!" Then she turned around and waved to me. , and ran out happily.When I walked to the door, I happened to see the backs of this group of girls. They were only middle school students, but they were all tall and big, and they were riding fast.

I still hold that photo in my hand, but I still have a lot to say to my daughter.I want to tell her how we rehearsed carefully, how we took care of each other during the performance, how the male classmates excitedly cooked us supper and took pictures around us when we found out that we won the first place: in fact, it was just a It was just a small school activity, but because it used the name of Chinese students, it won the first place among more than [-] countries, which made this group of Chinese students closely connected and had a very happy night .

I would love to share these happy memories with my daughter, but I haven't had the chance.At the dinner table, she was the one talking excitedly, and there were so many interesting and important things to say between her and her classmates that I couldn't get in.

All night, I could only smile at her from a distance.

After analyzing the condition to me in detail, the doctor suddenly said to me in a very gentle tone: "In any case, it is absolutely impossible for you to get back to the old mother."

The doctor was probably in his sixties, well dressed, with a gentle demeanor, as well as the wisdom and insights unique to the elderly.After he finished speaking, there was a very short pause, as if he knew that by this time I should have started to cry.

But, I'm not fooled, I just don't want to be fooled, and I didn't let it show with a single tear.I will not be taken lightly.In this world, there are some things you can believe in, and some things you absolutely cannot believe in.Never shed tears, one tear means that you believe his words, and one tear means that you also admit that the facts cannot be changed.

Although my mother suffered another stroke, since she has overcome the severe illness of the last time and can stand up again, who dares to say that she will not be able to recover this time?Who dares to tell me that I can never regain the strong and happy mother I used to be?I thanked the doctor with a cold bow, and then went back to my mother's bedside.My mother is in the sleepy period after a stroke, and she should gradually get better in a few days.After a little better, you can start to do recovery exercises. As long as you maintain confidence, there should be no problems.Both her father and sisters made long-distance calls and said they would come back to accompany her as soon as possible.I think that this doctor didn't know my mother very well, and didn't know her strength and perseverance, so he told me such a wrong conclusion.

At night, I left the hospital and drove home alone. I was still thinking about the words the doctor said during the day. Suddenly, something flashed in my mind, and I was stunned by this sudden idea. .What the doctor said was actually not wrong!
Day by day, the old mother is changing day by day, and she has never been able to come back!Which one is my former mother?Before the second stroke, in the countryside of Shimen, where was the old lady with white hair holding a cane in her left hand?Or a little earlier, before the first stroke, reunited with her husband and son-in-law in Europe, where was the luxuriously dressed woman at a friend's Christmas party?Or earlier, on the grass in front of the house in Xinbeitou, where was the mother who stood with the children and still smiled softly?Or a little earlier, in a photo studio in Nanjing, how about that young woman holding a newborn baby in her arms, surrounded by her husband and children, looking at the camera and smiling?Or a little earlier, in the mountains and fields in the countryside of Chongqing, dodging the enemy's air strikes hastily, while worrying not to scare the children around her, and not to crush the woman in the unborn baby?Or earlier, earlier, in an old yellowed photo, wearing a long black leather coat, standing in a snowy courtyard in Peking, where is the girl with black and bright eyes?Or earlier, earlier, I just heard about it casually, on the prairie of Inner Mongolia, what about the little girl who was about ten years old and loved to pick up some round stones on the river bed and go home to play?
The former mothers, the former mothers, the days passed day by day. For the sake of our five children, those former mothers were left behind day by day, and never came back!

Of course, the current mother can recover again, but she is definitely no longer the mother I used to be.

"Mommy mommy."

On the highway in the middle of the night, I called softly to my mother who smiled gently at me in those past years, all my mothers who could not come back, I couldn't help crying alone.

The car was driving fast, the road was so dark and dark!

Heart mark notes
Every dying mother was once a young and beautiful girl.It's just that the ruthless years, the heavy burden, and the child waiting to be fed have carved out wrinkles on the mother's smooth face, and dyed the mother's black hair from the roots to gray.

The mother in the past was also young and young; the mother in the past was also fluttering in her skirts; the mother in the past was also slender in willows; Her mother also used short-sleeved cheongsams...but at the price of losing all of this, she exchanged for the beauty of the next generation's youth.

(End of this chapter)