Jade Guanyin

Chapter 30

When the train was approaching Nande, I saw Nanmeng Mountain.

From a distance, Nanmeng Mountain has no precipitousness at all. The mountain is more than soothing, but not majestic. Perhaps only when you are on the scene, can you appreciate the hidden cliffs, dangerous valleys and abysses.Just after dawn, the rain came, and the thick clouds had swept away most of Nanmeng Mountain.Only when the train passes through the mountain pass can you see the turning point of the mountain range, revealing layers of rich and diverse vegetation and occasionally one or two mountain streams and waterfalls.

Coming out of the train station, looking back to the mountains, the green mountains have been dyed black by the half-cloud and half-mist miasma.But the small town that has been washed by the rain in front of me looks fresh.The air is clear and clear with almost no impurities.The transparent breeze makes people want to breathe greedily, greedily want to inhale the coolness in the rain into the lungs, as if every blood vessel and meridian in the body has been cleaned and unblocked during the breath .

I picked a wet stone road and walked towards the city. Every bumpy step under my feet exposed the vicissitudes of these old-fashioned streets and alleys.Those plain-faced women standing by the window in the small roadside shop are mostly silent with sentimental expressions, looking at every stranger passing by in the rain with their heads bowed alone.On rainy days, the city becomes extremely deserted, which is also one of the characteristics of the simple folk customs of the small town.This kind of charming desertedness is rare in big cities.No matter it is cloudy, rainy or snowy, the streets of big cities cannot escape the annoying noise and crowding.

The last time I left South Germany was in summer, and I vaguely remember that it was almost dusk, and the sun was setting in the west and it was still a bit hot.I was carried out of the hospital on a stretcher and into an ambulance.The ambulance headed for the train station with its blue overhead lights shining, to catch the evening direct train.

The young policeman who had been taking care of me accompanied me to Kunming, and stayed with me in the Kunming hospital for two more days before leaving.I was not able to speak freely and unhindered when he said goodbye to me.Before he left, he left me a few words of blessings such as recuperating well and recovering soon before my bed.I can only nod slightly, and can only say in a soft voice: "Thank you, brother." It is An Xin's father who will take over from him to take care of me.I cried when the young policeman brought him and said that he would take over and take care of me in the future. I sobbed loudly despite the severe pain in my chest and ribs.I have owed too much favor to An Xin's family this year!I don't even know when I will be able to repay these favors!
An Xin's father was very quiet, he wouldn't even say anything to stop my tears.He stood in front of my bed dumbly, without saying a word, but the kindness on his face reminded me of my childhood and my mother.

From An Xin's father, I learned the news of An Xin's injury, the news of Cub's murder, and the news that Mao Jie was shot dead by the police for resisting arrest.All of this is as unreal as a dream to me, a Beijinger who has come from the ordinary and uniform city life.I was the same then as now. After waking up from the nightmare, I only wanted to see An Xin and be with her.I miss peace of mind to a level bordering on madness.But I couldn't see her, she was injured, and I was lying on the hospital bed and couldn't move. I couldn't travel all the way across the ocean from Los Angeles, USA just to see her.

Yes, maybe I was looking for reassurance just so I could see her.She hadn't heard from me since she ran away from home, and I had hopelessly concluded that she was tired of our life together and the future I envisioned.But now, the firmness of my determination to find peace of mind, the twists and turns of the process, and the growing fantasy in my heart may have given me an illusion that once we find peace of mind, we will start all over again, the kind of friendship I have been looking forward to. Shou.At this moment, I came to Nande, walked out of the train station and walked into the rain. The cold rain made me suddenly wake up, and made me realize that my wishful thinking might be just a beautiful illusion, maybe An Xin didn’t change her mind at all, she didn’t want to Let me stay or come back with me.

There may have been signs of our breakup since last summer, but I didn't know it.I didn't even know that it was the hottest summer in Beijing. I lay in the cool spring city of Kunming and spent some peaceful days.My injuries were under control and gradually getting better.All the money for my hospitalization and medical treatment was brought by An Xin's father. I probably completely used up the rest of their family resources including treatment, food and nutrition. Just shook his head and didn't tell me anything.

He just said: "No, no, you take good care of it and don't worry about it." Among them, An Xin's mother also came to Kunming once to see me.She brought me reassuring news.She told me that An Xin's gunshot wound was almost sealed, but she lost a lot of blood and was still very weak.In addition, her mother vaguely revealed that An Xin has not been able to get out of the shadow of the death of the cub so far, and her mental state is worrying.

"She seldom talks to me, she just thinks by herself." Her mother said to me: "Maybe only you can enlighten her. She doesn't talk to me about bears, but she talks about you. She urged me to come here very early. I'll see you." At my request, An Xin's parents went to ask the doctor for instructions, and the doctor agreed that they would help me out of bed and go to an office in the hospital to call An Xin.At that time, An Xin couldn't get out of bed. It was her mother who made an appointment with Captain Pan of the anti-drug brigade in advance to call Lao Pan's cell phone when Lao Pan went to the hospital to see her.An Xin's voice on the phone was a little strange to me, it became weak and hoarse, and she was so angry that she just said: "Yang Rui, I miss you..." and couldn't continue.With red eyes, I said a lot of things that I missed her and felt sorry for her. I also said that I hope she will take good care of her body, listen to the doctor's words, be cheerful and cheer up, and other encouraging words. I also said that we will meet soon. It's all over, it's going to be okay, I'll always love her and all that optimism.An Xin didn't reply, and she kept silent on the phone.Captain Pan took the call later, and he said An Xin was a little excited, do you have anything else to say? I'll tell her, or you can talk again when she calms down or gets better.I know that An Xin is crying, she is unable to talk to me anymore.I said to Captain Pan: I have nothing else to say, just tell her I'm getting better soon, and I'll go find her as soon as I get well!
Perhaps I was young after all, with a particularly high metabolism, so after two weeks I was able to get out of bed freely and move slowly in and out of the ward.On the day I was able to get out of bed and walk around, I asked to be discharged from the hospital so that I could go to Nande to accompany Anxin.It's unbearable that we can't meet again after such a catastrophe and trauma. Besides, I can't bear to spend the blood and sweat of An Xin's family so peacefully, endlessly in this bottomless pit of money kept up.

My request was finally agreed by the doctor and An Xin's father after repeated efforts.The day before I was about to pack up and leave the hospital, An Xin unexpectedly appeared in my ward in the early morning when the sky was just dawning.She came in, supported by her mother, and when they came in I thought it was a new female patient who had gone to the wrong room.

An Xin was so thin that I could barely recognize her, her complexion was very bad, so pale that it was almost gray-green.We hugged each other for a long time at my bedside, in front of An Xin's parents, and under the amazed gaze of all the patients in the room who had just woken up.We wept silently without saying a word.

We returned to Beijing just after the heat of that hot summer.An Xin's father went back to Qingmian because of family affairs, and An Xin's mother accompanied us back to our home.She lived with us for a month, taking care of our frail bodies and wounded hearts.

The recovery of the mind is the same as the recovery of the body. The most effective medicine is time.When An Xin's mother left us a month later to return to Qingmian, An Xin and I looked as healthy as ever.No one mentioned the past anymore, and there were no pictures of the little bear and other things related to the little bear on the walls, tables and bedsides at home.It is safe to put them away.She even volunteered to tell me that she was trying to convince herself that she had never been married, never had children, never been a police officer, never been through any complicated ups and downs.She tried to believe that she was a simple, unworldly girl in body and soul.

I know that she is working hard, trying her best to get out of that black hole-like shadow; I know that she is saving herself, she has realized that she is on the verge of collapse in the face of grief, and she doesn't want to destroy herself like this.As she tried to build up the desire to continue living, she had thoughts of extricating herself.This is good, everything is going in the right direction, I think.

I also thought, what can I do to help her?In addition to physical care and life care, what I can give peace of mind is love.I pay more attention than ever to making our days full of love, of countless small considerations, of sweet words and vows, ... but we don't talk about marriage, and neither of us mention it.I know that the little bear's bones are not cold, so it's too early to mention such a festive thing.

Fortunately, I got a job as the duty manager of the clubhouse at a jockey club.The salary is just over [-] a month, which is not too low.Expenses such as clothing, food and medical treatment are all covered by the club, which is relatively affordable.An Xin hasn't been looking for a job yet.Compared with the past, her personality has changed too much. She is always reticent and likes to be alone in a daze. I think it is better for her to not go to work for the time being.An Xin doesn't ask for much in life, and the money I earn is enough to provide the two of us with a simple and happy daily life.

On the surface, our life has returned to the way it used to be, stable and peaceful.I go to work every morning and usually get back by eight o'clock in the evening.An Xin and I usually eat our own food, and we cook and clean the house with her when I am on vacation.An Xin is the same as in the past, and she takes care of me in every possible way in life, even washing my hair, washing my feet, putting on my clothes and socks, she does everything for me.She probably not only regarded me as Yang Rui, but also as a little bear. Sometimes her attitude and tone of voice towards me was like doting on a young child.

Our life has returned to the way it used to be, the only difference is that An Xin's personality has changed, and I can't understand her.It's okay if you can't figure out a girl, it's okay if she doesn't like to talk and has no desire to communicate, as long as you believe that she still loves you.She likes to be silent, so I try to adjust myself to follow her. We can't say a few words when we are together every day.But the crux of the matter is: she is not happy!I can see, she is not happy!She had too many worries in her heart, and she couldn't solve them or get rid of them.All her smiles, all her relaxed expressions, all her statements about forgetting the past and starting over, were all done deliberately, and they were all for me to see.

Regarding her changes, I deliberately didn't ask or expose her.Once she squatted on the ground to wash my feet, and she cried silently while washing, and I didn't ask.I just helped her up, took the water from the basin to the bathroom and poured it out, and then I said to her, "It's so good that you wash my feet." I think she wouldn't say even if I asked her why she was crying, why cry?Do you even need to ask?Another time, I took her to KFC to eat a hamburger, and the fast food restaurant happened to be playing her favorite song - Chen Xiaodong's "Happier Than Me", she listened very attentively, I bought a hamburger and a milkshake When I got to the table, I saw her crying again.I still didn't ask, just sat down and said: "This song is really good, very nice, if you really like it, go buy a tape of this song." Then An Xin lowered her head and wiped her tears as if awakened, and said: "No need." I thought, let's believe in time, maybe only time can heal her wounds and soothe her pain, I have to wait patiently.

But the development of things was not as routine as I thought. Now that I think about it, there were actually various signs before the final result appeared, but these signs were ignored by me.Because I believed in the omnipotence of time, I ignored other possibilities, so that I didn't seize the opportunity to make timely counseling and remedies in case of adversity.

It was Wednesday, my weekend, and I decided to take An Xin to the Qinglongxia Reservoir in Huairou the next day.Boss Xia, who often comes to our club for horse riding, is a shareholder of a resort there. He often comes to our club and he is familiar with me. He told me to take my girlfriend to play with him several times.Because I have never dared to take advantage of customers, I just promised and didn't really go.Later, when I talked about it with the sales manager of our club, the sales manager agreed and even encouraged me to go.He said that you go and you go, and you become friends with the customer when you go, and it is more conducive to holding him as a friend.Our kind of club relies on regular customers. Every employee has to make friends with customers. As long as you don’t insist on asking customers to invite you or hint to customers to invite you, it’s fine.He asks you several times and if you ignore him, he will feel that you actually don't like him or put on airs, which is not good.To make friends, you must come and go, and if you come and don't reciprocate, it is indecent.

So when Boss Xia came to ride the horse again on the weekend and asked me if I would go, I said yes, just because I was afraid of troubling you.Boss Xia smiled: "What's the trouble? I won't accompany you. If you go, I'll arrange it for you. You can play by yourself."Our place is not the same as yours.Our place is full of natural scenery, mountains and rivers, very comfortable.I'll give you a chance to kiss your girlfriend's ass.I made a happy face and said: Then thank you, Boss Xia.

I was really happy that day, and I came home after work in a high mood at night. I don't think we have ever gone out happily since we came back from Yunnan.I envisioned what it would be like to be happy in a place with mountains and rivers, let the mood return to nature and feel at ease. I was particularly excited because I imagined and foreseen the happiness of Anxin.

On the way home, I bought some drinks and food to take to Qinglong Gorge the next day, and I also bought a plate of Chen Xiaodong's "Happier Than Me".I borrowed a Walkman from our colleague and planned to listen to it for An Xin on the way the next day.I remembered that we had quarreled over Chen Xiaodong in the past, so I specially bought this imaginary enemy of mine to please An Xin.I think I'm such a fucking bitch that I'll do anything to make An Xin happy.I bought that tape, and seeing Chen Xiaodong's lover-like face printed on the cover of the tape, I felt like I was pimping An Xin and this kid.

I went home, went upstairs and opened the door.To my surprise, the lights in the room were dark.It is rare for me to go home and the lights are dark in the house. I don't know if An Xin fell asleep or went out.I called out, "Don't worry!" No one answered.I turned on the light and found that the room was cleaned up for some reason, almost spotless, everything was neatly arranged, even the kitchen and bathroom were clean.I was a little puzzled, why did An Xin do such a thorough job of sanitation today.I walked from the living room to the bedroom. At this time, I saw the letter An Xin left for me on the bedside table on my side.

The letter was in an unsealed envelope, which looked like an ordinary thing lying around.But when I saw An Xin's family keys on the envelope, a sense of foreboding immediately enveloped me. How could I have imagined that it was the farewell between An Xin and me in this life!
Yang Rui: I'm gone, and I'm not coming back.Don't look for me, you can't find me.

I'm telling you, I've loved you since the first time I saw you.I couldn't stand how nice you were to me afterwards, no matter how nice a guy like you is to any girl, how could she not be tempted!It is a pleasure to be loved by you. I have always imagined that I can spend my whole life with you like this.I really like the home you gave me, and when I'm about to leave now, I find that I really miss it.I especially like to wash your hair, feet, clothes, and cook for you. I really want to take care of you for the rest of my life.When I think that no one will take care of you after I leave, I feel very sad. When I think of you being alone at home, I feel so sad that I want to cry.Today, I cleaned up this house for the last time, and I couldn't help crying when I wiped everything.Everything in this home tells me a story about us, and everything screams loudly for me to stay!But Yang Rui, I have to leave, I am destined not to have love, not to have a family.I was destined to live a life of incognito.I was destined to be alone.You may not know how much I love you, I love you more than Tie Jun, that feeling is different from Tie Jun.But Tie Jun is my husband after all.I can't talk about love after my husband died and my son died again. I really can't bear to talk about love like this.I feel that I should be responsible for them, do something for them, even die for them!I can't bear to leave them alone to live a happy life.Every day I feel that they are looking at me, looking at me, telling me that they also want to live such a peaceful and happy life.I can't comfort them, I can't wave them goodbye!I couldn't turn my back and never look at them again!They used to be my relatives, they loved me, they gave me happiness, they helped me, they died for me.I couldn't turn around and never look at them again!
I know that I will hurt you and make you angry if I leave you like this, so I followed you back to Beijing from Yunnan.I've been trying to forget the past and be a person with no memory forever, but I can't.Apart from my parents, among the three people who love me the most, only you are still alive, and you will enjoy many, many joys in life in the future.I believe that there will be many kind and beautiful girls who will love you, as long as you forget about me, you will immediately have new happiness, think about it, it's really that simple.

I'm leaving Yang Rui, I can no longer accompany you and take care of you, I'm sorry.You forget me quickly, the sooner the better.If we all have an afterlife, maybe we'll meet again, maybe we'll recognize each other!Then wait for the afterlife.At that time, I hope you are still as good as you are now, and love me as much as you are now.

Let me hug you again, kiss you again, the most perfect Yang Rui in my heart!
peace of mind that no longer exists

I burst into tears halfway through reading this letter, and I cried while reading: "Why are you doing this, why are you doing this..." I subconsciously ran out of the house, kicking up and down I ran downstairs and rushed to the street, I ran blindly trying to find An Xin's lost figure, I knew it was impossible but I still frantically searched all over the street.On a summer night, the streets are bustling with people, and the doors of many shops are still open. Gorgeous lights diffuse from those shops, reflecting the faces of passers-by who are both excited and tired, focused and indifferent, leisurely and in a hurry ... That night I sat blankly on the floor of the living room until dawn.I really don't know what happened.Why did An Xin write such a letter, why did she run away from home so suddenly.Does she not love me?But she said she loves me.Is she tired of living like a housewife?But she said she hated this home.And I didn't keep her from going to work.I don't know if she feels that she will never get out of that shadow, or she is not in the mood to get married and is afraid that I will force her to marry, but I didn't force her, why should I force her!Her letter didn't say where she was going, and she told me not to look for her, but she didn't want to think about how I couldn't look for her when she left without knowing why!

The next day I wrote a letter to An Xin's parents, telling them about An Xin's departure.Ask them if they knew beforehand.I told them I love An Xin so much and I don't want to lose her.I begged them to tell me what I should do now.I don't know the phone number and mailing address of An Xin's parents, but the letter was sent to the mass cultural center in Qingmian, Yunnan.I also called Lao Pan, the captain of the Nande Narcotics Brigade, and I knew Lao Pan's mobile phone number.It took several calls before they got through. Lao Pan said that he didn't know that An Xin had the idea of ​​running away from home, and he had no contact with An Xin. He promised to notify me immediately if there was any news about An Xin.

Eight days later, I counted every day, so I remembered it very accurately, and my parents wrote back with peace of mind.They said that they also received a letter from An Xin a few days ago, telling them that she wanted to live alone for a while, and told them not to worry about her, and they didn't know anything else.An Xin's parents sent their contact numbers and the An Xin letter to their parents.The letter couldn't be shorter, only two and a half lines, it also said that she loves them, and told them not to look for her, don't worry.An Xin's parents told me that they also contacted the South German Anti-drug Brigade, and the answer they got was almost exactly the same as the one I got.

I called my work unit for three days in a row and asked for a leave of absence. The loss of peace of mind almost made me useless, restless, unable to work and see people.It wasn't until the fourth day that my mood barely stabilized that I managed to go to class.I don't work and no one supports me.After I got to work, my immediate superior, the female manager of the reception department of the clubhouse, told me quietly that the manager Lin of the clubhouse was very dissatisfied with me, saying that I was such a big man and still acted like a child. Things are too lacking in quality.

I was a little dazed, I didn't know why the manager was dissatisfied, I asked dully: "What did I do wrong?" The female manager of the reception department has always been nice to me, and asked me: "When did you put that Boss Xia, who comes here often, cooked a dish? When Manager Lin told me about this, he was drinking tea with Boss Xia. It seemed that Boss Xia said something about you. When Manager Lin told me about you, Boss Xia was still smoothing things over. Say it's all right, it's a trivial matter, let us not criticize you. When did you offend that Xia?" I blinked for a long time before I remembered something, bowed my head and said: "Fuck, I really love him Mom is dizzy!" Yes, I was really dizzy those few days, I don't know what was going on in my mind.But how can I explain it to others, how can I say that my lover, my girlfriend ran away from home and disappeared.I want to say that they will definitely laugh and say that you are still in a daze after being dumped, how did you become a man!

Those days I was really dizzy, I had no intention of going to work, and I was always in a trance after going to work every day, and there were all mistakes in my work. Fortunately, the female manager helped me with everything, wiped my buttocks, and helped me cover up and deal with the aftermath.Every night, when I come home, I dare not turn on the lights, for I am afraid of seeing these two empty and lifeless rooms.A few months ago, there was still the sound of An Xin being busy in the kitchen, and the sound of me and the bear playing in the living room.Now, I am alone, from the inner room to the outer room, facing the four walls alone.

In those days, I lay alone on the bed almost every night, listening to Chen Xiaodong's new song "Happier Than Me".Maybe it's because Chen Xiaodong is a man, so at first I always felt that I was singing to An Xin, and I was pouring out my feelings to her: hugging you at this moment can be regarded as a beginning and an end.

There are many kinds of blessings, but the heartache is all in words.

... I thought, could it be that our love really ended without a problem like this?Could it be that the person I love left such a simple blessing to our present life, and then left me alone to wait for the reunion in the next life?
I listen to the song "Happier Than Me" every day.After listening to it for a long time, I found that it was more like An Xin's confiding to me.I suddenly understood why she cried when she heard this song at KFC that day. She probably had the idea of ​​running away from home at that time, and this song just coincided with her state of mind.

... Please be happier than me, so that I won't waste my embarrassing exit.

No matter how painful it is, don’t say it’s bitter. Love doesn’t need to be sorry to make up for it.

Please remember that you have to be happier than me to be worthy of my cruelty to myself!

... Yes, she thought of withdrawing from our love at that time, and she had already decided to make such a cruel choice, both for herself and for me.She said she was sorry in the letter, but she already knew at that time that love cannot be made up with an apology!
... Don't worry about chasing your happiness, don't care if I want it or not, whether I'm alone or not, don't care, please be happier than me.

I cried again, with tears running down my face.In the dark, I saw An Xin's staring eyes, and she told me with her eyes that I must be happier than her.Let me never look for her again, don't care about her anymore, don't care if she is lonely or not, don't care!I looked into her staring eyes hard, listened to her distant heart, over and over again, crying like complaining, and kept repeating the earnest exhortation:... Please be happier than me!

(End of this chapter)