David Copperfield

Chapter 105 Housework (2)
Chapter 48 Housework (2)
I'll start right away.When Dora was childish, and I wanted so badly to coax her to play, I tried to be serious--displeased her, and displeased me.I talked to her about what was on my mind, I read to her Shakespeare--tired her out.My idea is that I often, in an accidental way, tell her bits and pieces of useful knowledge or reasonable opinions-when the words come out, she avoids them as if they were firecrackers.However inadvertently and naturally I tried to cultivate my little lady, I could always see that she had an instinctive sense of my motives, which made her extremely disturbed and frightened.It was especially evident that she thought Shakespeare was a very strange eccentric.This edification proceeded slowly.

I did not make an appointment with Traddles, and forced him to help.Whenever he came to see me, I exploded all my "mines" on him, in order to educate Dora indirectly.The amount of housekeeping I have taught Traddles in this manner is very large and very high.But this education produced no other result than to disturb Dora lest it should be her turn next time.I only felt that I had fallen into the position of a schoolteacher, a snare, a trap, forever treating Dora like a spider to a fly, and always making surprise attacks from my hole, thus making Dora panic.

Nevertheless, I hope that after this period there will be perfect harmony between Dora and myself, and I will mold her mind to my complete satisfaction.So I persisted for several months.In the end, however, I felt that, in spite of all my determination, during this period, I was getting no effect at all.I thought that Dora's thoughts had been cultivated.

When I thought about it deeply, the situation seemed so improbable that I gave up the difficult plan, and resolved to be content with my child's wife and never reform her.I'm bitterly weary of this self-righteous upbringing of myself, and of seeing my darling restrained.So one day, I bought her a pair of beautiful earrings and a collar for Kip, and went home to please and courteous me.

Dora was very happy.But there is a cloud among us, and I am determined to remove it.If there must be such a shadow no matter where, I can only keep it in my heart, and I will talk about it later.

I put earrings on her.Then say, we haven't been as close as we used to lately, and it's all my fault.I really think so.

"The truth is, Dora, my lifeblood," said I, "I've always been wise."

"Make me smart too," said Dora timidly, "don't you, David?"

"It's no use at all," said Dora, "you know what a little thing I am, and you know what I wanted you to call me in the first place. If you can't do that, I probably don't think you ever will." Love me. Dare you say you sometimes don't want to, and it's better when—"

"What's best, my dear?"

"there is nothing!"

"there is nothing?"

She put her arms around me.

"Do I sometimes think it's better not to groom my petite wife at all?" I said. "Isn't that what you're asking? I really do."

"Did you really think so?" said Dora.

"I'll never do that again though," I said. "I love her the way she is."

"No lie—really?" asked Dora, creeping closer to me.

"Why should I change something I've loved for so long!" I said. "It's best if you're just as you are, dear! Let's go back to the old ways and be happy."

"Be happy!" replied Dora, "yes! Be happy all the time! Things go a little awry sometimes, and you don't mind, do you?"

"No," I said, "we must do what we can."

"And you won't tell me we've spoiled other people, will you?" Dora coaxed, "because to say that would be to throw a tantrum again."

"No more," I said.

"I think it's better to be stupid than unpleasant, don't you?"

"Dora for what she is is better than anything else in the world."

"In the world! David, that's a big place!"

She scratched her head, turned her eyes to me, gave me a kiss, and went off to give Kip a new collar.

So ended my last attempt at changing Dora.I was unhappy during my trial.I just can't stand my own wisdom.I wanted to improve our behavior as quietly as possible on my own, but I saw in advance that my strength was very small, otherwise I must degenerate into a stalking spider, always waiting for an opportunity.

That shadow is no longer among us, but stays in my own heart.How did it disappear?

The old unpleasant feeling permeated my life.If the feel has changed in any way, it's heavier.But this feeling is vague. I love my wife so much, and I am also happy.But the happiness I once looked forward to is not the happiness I enjoy now, which always lacks something.

In order to fulfill the constraints I have imposed on myself--to reflect my thoughts in this book--I have examined it carefully and revealed its secrets.What we lost, I still think—I have always thought so—was what I had dreamed of as a child, what was impossible, and which I (like all men) discovered with a natural pain that it was impossible thing.But I understand that it would be better if my wife could give me more help and share my many thoughts about being alone.And it's possible.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Dora hadn't known me? But Dora and I had become completely one in life, so that thought was illusory.

I have always loved her, and what I am now describing will have no effect on anything I say or do.All the trivialities of the two of us, all my hopes and expectations, are borne by me alone.And Dora just got me the pen, so that we both felt that we were just what we needed to be and what we were doing.She does love me and is proud of me.When Agnes, in her letters to Dora, sometimes wrote a few earnest lines expressing her pride at hearing my growing reputation, and reading my work as if in a doctrine book, Dora felt I said, I am a smart, well-known big kid.

"The first false thought of an undisciplined heart." Mrs. Strong's words often came to my mind at this time, and they were always present in my mind.For I understand now that when I loved Dora I was undisciplined, and if I had been disciplined I would never have felt in the deepest part of my being what I felt when we were married up.

"There is no greater difference in marriage than the difference of thought and purpose." I was reminded of this saying too.I tried to make Dora fit myself, but then I realized it was impossible, so I had to get used to Dora, share everything with her, and be happy.Carry upon me all that I must, and be merry.When I started to think, this is what my heart is going to be tested.Thus my second year of marriage was much happier than ever, and Dora's life was much happier.

But during that year, Dora was not doing well.I wish someone smarter than me could help her shape her character, I wish she might turn my Mrs. Children into grown-ups.But that hope did not materialize.The little angel flapped its wings for a moment before the door of its little prison, and then flew away unfettered.

"If I could run about as I used to, Auntie," said Dora, "I'd have Jeep race me. He's grown very lazy."

"My dear, I suspect," said my aunt, "that's not what's wrong with him. He's getting old, Dora."

"Do you think it's old?" said Dora. "It's amazing that Jeep can grow old!"

"It's inevitable when we get old, little one," said my aunt cheerfully. "To be honest, I'm feeling older myself than I used to be."

"But Jeep," said Dora, "even little Jeep can't escape!"

"I think it'll last a long time, little flower. It's going to have a flannel in its nest this winter, and I'm sure it'll be smooth and moist next spring when the flowers bloom. God bless it." cried my aunt. "If he had nine lives like a cat, and was about to lose them all, he'd bark at me too, I'm sure."

Dora repeated thoughtfully: "Even Little Jeep can't escape!"

"He's got plenty of strength," said my aunt cheerfully, "and he's got plenty of bark. He'll live for many years, no doubt. But if you want a dog that can race you , little flower, it is no longer suitable for doing that, I can get you one."

"Thank you, Auntie," said Dora, "but I don't want it."

"No?" said my aunt.

"I can only keep Kip," said Dora, "and, besides Kip, I can't be so affectionate with any other dog, who never knew me before I was married, or when David first came to our house." Call him from time to time. I only like Jeep."

"Of course, you're right."

"Aren't you angry?" said Dora.

The aunt said: "You actually think I will be angry, you are too sensitive!"

"No, I don't really think so," answered Dora, "I'm just a little tired, which makes me confused for a moment--I've never been a little fool. But when it comes to Jeep, I'm still more confused. It Knows all the things I've been through, don't you, Kip? I don't look down on it because it's a little different, do I, Kip?"

Jip nodded in agreement with Dora.

(End of this chapter)