David Copperfield

Chapter 113 Looking Back Again

Chapter 53 Looking Back Again

I had to stop again.My childish wife walks around in my memory in a crowd, there is a quiet, innocent love and childish beauty among them, think of my childish little falling flowers Bar!

I just did it.Dora and I were back in our cabin again.I don't remember how long she had been ill.I felt so used to her illness, not very long in fact, weeks or months.It was a nasty time, though, in my habits and experience.

The doctors have stopped telling me to "wait a few more days" and I'm beginning to have a vague dread that I may never get the chance to see my boyish wife and her old friend Jeep race in the sun again.

Jeep seems to have aged all of a sudden.Perhaps because it could no longer get from its mistress a kind of encouragement which would have kept it young.It was dejected, its eyesight failed, and its limbs began to weaken.My aunt worried about him because he didn't hate her anymore.When he was lying on Dora's bed, he crept up to her sitting beside her and licked her hand tenderly.

Dora looked at us with a smile, and she looked beautiful in that way on the bed, and she didn't say a word of irritation or resentment.She said we treated her so well.She understood that her dear and attentive older child was too tired.My aunt didn't sleep very well, but she was always alert, and obliging, and kind, and sometimes the two aunts came to visit her, and we talked about our marriage, and all the good times.

What a wonderful peace and tranquility there is in my life—in all life, indoors and outdoors—as I sit in the quiet dark and tidy bedroom with the blue eyes of my boyish wife turned to me. Rest! I have sat like this for many hours.But of all those times, three of the most vivid still flash through my mind from time to time.

Once in the morning, when my aunt dressed Dora herself, she showed me how her beautiful hair rippled on the pillow, and how long and shiny it was.She also told me that she likes to keep her hair loose in the net she wears.

"It's not that I'm boasting," she said when I smiled, "but because you used to say it yourself and you thought it was very beautiful, and because, when I first fell in love with you, I used to look in the mirror and think See you want a lock of my hair so badly, David, what a fool you looked when I gave you a lock!"

"That was when you drew a picture of my flowers for you, Dora, when I showed you how much I love you."

"But I didn't have the nerve to tell you then," said Dora, "and I used to cry to the flowers like that, because I felt you really loved me! Dave, when I can go around like I used to And while we run, let's see those places again, where we used to walk like a pair of little fools in those old places, shall we? Reminisce about poor old Papa again, shall we?"

"Well, we'll certainly go, and have some merry days. So you should get well soon, my dear!"

"I'm getting better soon! Didn't you realize that I'm much better?"

Once, one night, we sat together in a chair.We were silent for a while, and she had a faint smile on her face.I no longer carry my wife, who is as light as a swallow, up and down the stairs.She lay there all day.

"David!"

"Dear Dora!"

"Last time you told me that Mr. Wakefield was in poor health, so you don't think I'm unreasonable when I say this now? I want to see Agnes, I want to see her very much."

"I'll write and tell her, my dear."

"Do you want to?"

"I'll write right away."

"What a sweet and kind child! David, pick me up. It's really not a whimsy, my dear. It's not a silly fantasy, and I'd really like to see her!"

"I am very sure that if I just tell her what you think, she will definitely come!"

"Are you lonely downstairs now?" Dora asked softly, putting her arms around me.

"How can I not be lonely when I see your chair is empty?"

"My empty chair!" She put her arms around me and was silent for a while, "You really miss me, don't you, David?" She looked up at me, smiling happily, "Although I'm So foolishly, and so capriciously!"

"My darling, who else in this world makes me think so hard? Besides you, who else?"

"Husband! I am very happy and very sad!" She put her arms around me and moved closer to me.She cried and laughed, then calmed down and felt very happy.

"That's right!" said she. "Say hello to Agnes for me, and tell her that I want to see her so badly that I can't hope for anything else."

"Except for quick recovery, Dora."

"Ah, David, sometimes I think--you see what a stupid little thing I am--never be like that again!"

"Don't talk like that, Dora! Dearest lover! Don't think like that!"

"I would never say or think like that if I could get it under control, David. But I'm happy now. Although my dear boy is so lonely looking at his childish wife's empty chair !"

Once at night, I was still with her.Agnes has come.She has spent an entire day and an evening with us.She, my aunt, and I, we sat with Dora from morning to night, we didn't talk much, but Dora was very satisfied, she was very happy, and now we were alone.

Do I realize now that my childish wife will soon desert me? The doctors have told me so.What they told me was no different than what I thought of myself.It's just that I absolutely can't believe that I have experienced this fact with my heart.I can't get it, I've been on the sidelines to cry several times today, I'm trying to be open-minded, trying to comfort myself.I hope that I can do this to some extent, but what I am not sure about is: the result will definitely come, I hold her hand tightly, I own her heart, and I can clearly see her love for me. love.I can't give up the fantasy that she can not die, that bleak shadow always appears in my heart.

"I want to talk to you, David, you don't mind?" She looked at me.

"Care? My baby."

"Because I don't know how you think. Or how you sometimes think, perhaps you have often. David, my dear, I'm afraid I was too young then."

I leaned back on the pillow and brought my face close to hers.She looked into my eyes and spoke softly.As she went on, I slowly felt with a broken heart that she was talking about her past.

"My dear, I'm afraid I'm too young. I'm not just talking about age, but thoughts and experiences and everything else. I'm such a stupid little thing. I think our love is a kind of The love of childhood sweethearts, let it stop here, and then we all forget about it, this is the best. I already think that I am not suitable for you as your wife."

Trying to hold back my tears, I said, "Dora, if you're not right, I'm not right to be your husband!"

"I don't know if that's the case, maybe! But if I'd made it better for marriage. I'd make you better for marriage too. Besides, you're smart, and I'm not."

"We are happy enough, dear Dora."

"I am very happy, but in time my dear child will hate his boyish wife. She will become less and less suitable for him as a companion. He will find something wanting in the house. Because she It's impossible to improve, it's good as it is now."

"Oh, Dora, dearest, dearest, will you not say that? Every word of yours is like an arrow in my heart!"

"Not at all!" she said. "My dear, you are never to blame, I love you too much. I would never take it seriously--except for being good-looking--maybe it's just you Thinks I'm good-looking--seriousness is the only thing I'm good at--a word of reproach to you. Aren't you lonely downstairs, David?"

"Special, very lonely!"

"Don't cry, David! Is my chair still there?"

"Still in the same place."

"My poor child is crying so much! Don't cry! Promise me one thing, and I'll talk to Agnes. When you go downstairs, tell Agnes to come to me. And I'll tell you No one is allowed to come while she's talking, and I'm going to talk to Agnes alone."

I promised her, and told her, Agnes, I'd be here right away.But I can't leave her because I'm so sad.

"As I said, let it be!" she whispered, putting her arms around me. "David, in many years, you will not love your childish wife as much as you do now. And, in many years , she will embarrass and disappoint you, and you may not love her half as much as you do now! I know I am too young and too stupid. Let it be!"

I go downstairs.I told Agnes what Dora had said, and she passed, and I stayed there with Kip.

The jeep's tower is next to the stove.It was lying on its flannel bed, feeling a little tired.The moon was high and bright, and when I looked out into the boundless night, my tears fell down, and my untrained heart felt a deep responsibility.

Beside the fire, thinking with a vague regret of the secret affections which had slowly grown since my marriage, I recalled all that had passed between me and Dora, that dear little wife whom I first knew The way I was when I was young, constantly emerging from the sea of ​​my memory, it was rendered by my own young love with her, and it had all the charms of love.Wouldn't it be better if we really loved like this, and then forgot about it? Answer me, untrained heart!

I don't know how time is wasted by me.I was finally awakened by my boyish wife's old companion.It was more restless than before, and it crawled out of its little house, whining and going upstairs.

"Don't go up tonight, Kip, please!"

It walked back to me slowly, raised its dim eyes, and looked at me.

"Oh, Kip, maybe you'll never go up again!"

It lay at my feet, stretched out as if about to sleep, gave a whine, and died.

"Oh, Agnes! Look, look here!"

—Her face full of sympathy, full of sorrow, tears like broken threads, solemn silence, solemn hand stretched to the sky!

"Agnes?"

Everything is gone.There was nothing but darkness before my eyes, and everything was erased from my memory.

(End of this chapter)