David Copperfield

Chapter 120
Chapter 58 Diaspora

The long night came to me, and my heart was haunted by memories of hopes and mistakes, sorrows and regrets, and I couldn't sleep for a long time.

I left the UK, and so far, I haven't realized how much of a blow I've had to take.I leave all my loved ones behind, believing only that I have taken the blow and will move on from it.My immature heart didn't know how much pain it could bear when it lived alone.

That feeling didn't happen overnight, but gradually formed bit by bit.All the loneliness I had when I was abroad now widens and deepens step by step.At first, I only felt that sadness was weighing heavily on my heart, and I couldn't recognize other emotions.The feeling gradually expanded into disappointment that I had lost everything—love, friendship, passion; The vastness of the land and the despair of the wild stretching out to the dim horizon.

If my sorrow is only for myself, I don't know it to be that way.I mourn my wife, who died in her prime.I mourn her loss, who should have been loved and loved by millions like me.I grieve my broken heart that seeks peace in the midst of the storm.I mourn that simple family is now just drifting away.

I couldn't extricate myself from layers of deep sorrow, and I could no longer see the dawn of hope.I wandered from place to place, always carrying this burden.Until later, I felt its weight, and I was overwhelmed by it, worrying that there would be no future.

At the height of my depression, I just wanted to die.Occasionally, I just hope that it is best to die in my hometown in this life.So it was really on the way home.And for the rest of the time, I wandered here and there, going farther and farther, pursuing something that I couldn't tell what it was, and I also didn't know what it was that I hoped to get rid of.

I cannot describe the state of mind that I have experienced in this period of extreme mental depression.Some dreams can only vaguely remember some fragments now.If you let me recall my life, it feels like I am dreaming such a dream.I saw foreign cities, palaces, churches, monasteries, galleries, castles, tombs, fantastic streets--as if in a dream.I walked through them with pain, not aware of their appearance and passing.In my immature heart lie endless nights that drive me to care about nothing but sorrow.Now let me lift my head in such a dark night—thank God I did!—and pray for the dawn.

I traveled for months with the misery in my heart.Some inexplicable reasons made me give up the idea of ​​going home, and continued to travel.Sometimes, I walked restlessly from place to place, but never stayed; sometimes, I stayed in one place for a long time.But no matter when, I am always out of my mind.

I came to Switzerland.Heading north from Italy, I was led by a guide on the Alpine trails.

One evening, I was going to rest in a valley.As I descended the winding path and saw the valley glow softly, a long-lost sense of beautiful harmony, a tenderness inspired by tranquility, infected me, and I was almost expecting the situation to be Hope for better.

When I entered the valley, the setting sun was shining on some snow peaks surrounding the valley in the distance, and the snow peaks were shining like eternal white clouds.The green foothills formed a small village.The spruce forest cut off the old snowdrift like a wedge and stopped the avalanche.Above the cedar forest, there are layers of rugged cliffs.Gray rocks, dazzling ice formations.The sparse green pastures gradually melted into the snow on the top of the mountain.Dotted with wooden huts on the slopes, these huts look like toys against the backdrop of the peaks.The same is true of the small villages at the bottom of the valley.In the village there was a brook that ran over straggly stones and murmured among the trees.A wooden bridge over the creek.In the quiet air, the sound of singing can be heard in the distance - that is the singing of the shepherds.However, when the bright sunset drifted toward the hillside, I felt that the singing came from among the clouds, not a song from the world.In such a distant tranquility, I heard the voice of nature, it is soothing me.I'm in the grass, crying for the first time since Dora died!

A few minutes ago, I received a letter.I have not received a letter for a long time.After I left home, apart from reporting my safety and one or two lines to tell me where I was, I rarely had the patience and perseverance to write a long letter.

The letter is in Agnes's handwriting.

She's happy and a useful person, as she'd expect.That's all she said about herself.The rest is all about me.

She didn't simply persuade me or make me obligated, she just told me with her unique enthusiasm how much she believed in me.She understood that a person like me must be able to draw nourishment from suffering.She understood that suffering and affection would develop my character into a nobler and more steadfast side.Since she made it her business to improve my reputation, she knew I would try not to let up, and she knew that grief would make me strong.Brutal ordeals have tempered my patience.Then the suffering in the future will only prompt me to keep moving forward and improve myself.Suffering is a useful lesson, and what it teaches me not only helps me grow personally, but also generalizes to others.She entrusted me to Almighty God.She will always love me with the enthusiasm of a sister, even if I am in the remotest corners of the world.She is proud of what I have achieved, and she is infinitely more proud of what I may achieve in the future.

I put the letter away and began to think about what I was like an hour ago! The singing gradually faded, the peaceful sunset became gray, and the golden snow on the top of the mountain gradually merged with the gray sky.I feel that the night in my heart is about to pass, and the shadows are gone.My love for her was beyond description, and she was ever more dear to me.

I read her letter several times.Before going to bed, I wrote her a reply letter, telling her how much I couldn’t do without her help, and telling her that only with her support, I would pursue without hesitation the way she wanted me to be.

I tried to do it.In three months, my grief will be a full year.I decided that for these three months, I would just work as hard as Agnes told me, and not think about other things.

I decided to continue to stay abroad.For the time being, Switzerland became where I settled and I resumed my writing job.

I worked meticulously in the direction that Agnes pointed.I explore nature, and this exploration is by no means for nothing.I shall again be filled with an interest in man and life which I would not have allowed to perpetuate before.Before long I made nearly as many friends in the valley as I had in Yarmouth.When I go to Geneva before winter and come back in spring, their simple greetings, although not in English, make me feel at home.

I worked hard day and night.I wrote a novel out of my own experience and sent it to Traddles.He did everything possible to get it published on my terms.My reputation grew steadily, and my name was mentioned by travelers I met.Then, as I moved on to a new job, a new inspiration took hold of my brain, and the more I worked on, the more active my inspiration became.So I pulled myself together and kept going.That was my third novel, and I hadn't written half of it yet, when I suddenly thought of going back to China.

For a long time in the past, although I have been writing tirelessly, I have also developed a good habit of exercising.I was badly wounded when I left England, and have now fully recovered.I have seen many things, been to many countries, and no doubt amassed knowledge gradually.

During this period of going abroad, I have said everything that should be said, except for one exception.The reason why I have kept it until now is not to let it control my thoughts, but to write down my most secret thoughts.Now, let me write it down.

It is difficult for me to tell when I began to pin my earliest hopes on Agnes.Some time ago, when I felt an intangible loss, I believed in the thought that heard the distant call.And now, when I am so sad and so alone in the world, that thought comes to my mind with a new condemnation and regret.

If I had stayed with her too much during that period, I would have revealed this feeling weakly in loneliness.This was what I was most afraid of when I was forced to leave the UK.I couldn't bear to lose her sisterly warmth and care.And if I showed my feelings like that, it would undoubtedly create a barrier between us.

I remember that the feeling she had for me now took place when I had a free choice.If she ever used another emotion for me - I've thrown it away.Today, such love does not exist.When we were kids, I thought for a while that she wasn't a good match for a bohemian like me.Therefore, I put my affections on others.I didn't do what I could have done, and it was my irrationality and her noble heart that caused Agnes to me now.

When I was gradually changing, and wanted to know myself better, and vowed to be a better person, there was a time when it was vaguely suggested to me that I could write off the mistakes of the past and be happily married to her.But as time passed, this vague hope faded away from me.If she ever loved me, and because of my trust in her, she knew my wandering mind well, but she had to make sacrifices to be my friend and sister, she would be like a god to me people.And if she really never loved me, can I think she loves me now?

Compared with her strength and patience, I feel my own weakness.Now I feel more and more like this.Whatever she was to me and I was to her, even then I was worthy of her, but now it's different, she's not the same, I'm not the same, the timing is different.I, who lost my time, should have no complaints about her departure.

I thought about it over and over again, feeling very distressed.These contradictory thoughts have filled my heart with trouble and regret, yet I still have the feeling that I left her so easily when there was hope, and that naturally I should get rid of that and return to her when hope fades. The thoughts around me—the thoughts that come up every time I think about her—I adore her, and now I don't have to hide it.However, I strongly believe that it is too late now and that the relationship we have maintained for a long time cannot be changed.

Dora had described to me what might have happened in those happy days.In this regard, I have carefully pondered and made a conclusion. Some things that never happened, the results are often consistent with the facts.

All the above extremely confused and contradictory thoughts were fixed elements in my thoughts during the three years from the time I left home to the time I returned home.

three years have past.Although the time of each day is extremely short, it is extremely long overall.My homeland is dear to me, and so is Agnes—but she is not mine—never will.She could have been mine, but I've missed my chance!
(End of this chapter)