Your loneliness is more moving than this world

Chapter 32 The Person Without Alma Mater (2)
It is said that the girl had two conversations afterwards, and they must all be boys from well-to-do families.But for some reason, it all ended in vain.In short, she also failed. She paid not only for her chastity, but also for her studies. The other girls in the same dormitory were all admitted to graduate students. A local rich second generation who weighs more than 200 catties.

A few years later, when I mentioned this girl from the Chinese department, the old classmates in the club bluntly said that it was not bad for her to have such an ending, but I still feel sorry for her appearance and temperament. As a rare intellectual girl, she should not Just get these.

The old classmates provided more gossip, saying that this girl gave birth to a baby, became a mother, and attended all kinds of parties by herself, and she still liked to put on a noble air.After drinking, she likes to complain to the people around her, complain about the past, complain about the present, and complain about all the things that have cost her.She has registered two QQ accounts, one of which plays the role of a good wife and loving mother, and the other is covered with black metal rock and ultra-liberalism paintings. She tells people over and over again that "marriage is to endure pain for a long time".

Some people say: Women are the biggest consumers of love.But in reality, many women are not superstitious about love, they are more superstitious about the life brought by material things.Women's emphasis on material things stems from China's patriarchal system that has lasted for thousands of years. The means of production are controlled by men, so it is not easy for women to be respected. Choosing a better man has become their only goal in life and their only sense of security. Xue Baochai is such an ice-snow and smart woman, she can only bet her future on a man.

So, I don't hate that Chinese girl, everyone has the right to choose life.I also no longer slander college students’ love affairs. This obviously underestimates the scheming of college students. Some college students have really given their hearts, such as me, and some college students are far more mature than I imagined, such as the Chinese girl who finally got money.

On the night I broke up with the girl from the Chinese Department, Shijiazhuang had the heaviest snowfall in 40 years. Looking at the messy snowflakes in the light outside the window, my heart was almost broken.The devastating impact of this premature relationship on my values ​​has affected me for many years. I no longer dare to trust women easily, and I dare not touch my heart easily. I have come to this day alone in armor.

4. Rumbling Ballad
Even though I had one of the worst sexual encounters ever, when I look back on college now, I still tell people that my college was happy because I had rock music.

Why do people always fall for this loud music in adolescence?Maybe it's really like what a friend said: These children's childhoods are terrible.The unfortunate life experience allows us to see the hypocrisy of human nature one step earlier than our peers, and also learn to think independently.For us, this strange music brings not only a sensory orgasm, but also a window to re-understand the world.No one listens to those Hong Kong and Taiwan pop music that moaned without illness, and no one believes in those hypocritical mainstream dogmas anymore. Everyone has their own poetry and philosophy, and their own way of pursuing happiness.

Hongqi Street is the most well-known college gathering area in Shijiazhuang, and it is also the most famous night market in the provincial capital. There is only one product in this place that is related to me, and that is phonograph records.As the last generation of oral youths, cassettes, CDs, audio-visual stores, underground performances, and rock magazines took up almost all of my spare time and spent all my pocket money.In Yuda at that time, there may not be five people in the entire Chinese Department who knew David Bowie, let alone understand why they spent money on these broken cassettes and CDs.

At that time, there were three famous outlets in Shijiazhuang, namely Yimeng, Extreme Music and Golden Melody.I have a deep affection for Yimeng, not only because the store is next to Yuda, but also because they openly display LPs on the shelves.Yimeng's clerk is the boss's wife's younger brother, and he is also a handsome guy who everyone loves. Every time he sees me, he will hand me a cigarette and say hello with a smile.He squatted on the ground, turned on the power amplifier, and accompanied me to listen to the album of Tiamat (Tiamat, a band in Sweden). Seeing the sky with this kind of music, how exciting!"

It's a pity that what we caught up with was just the tail end of the era of slapstick.Since 2004, MP3 has spread all over the world, and young people who love music have more channels to obtain foreign music.Soon, Yimeng began to provide download services for customers, and Golden Melody also provided blank discs and recorders. Cassettes and CDs were completely eliminated. We witnessed the fall of the record industry with our own eyes.

Because of my unique taste, I didn’t have many friends at school, and I basically met them through the small rock music circle, scattered in different colleges and different classes.In those years, I have been playing the role of the convener of rock fans, wearing heavy metal T-shirts and earrings, selling mouth tape at the campus second-hand market, publishing articles about rock music in the club newspaper, and Other college dormitories distribute rock magazines, and even accept school radio interviews with friends, and use the public platform to play Metallica (metal band) and Pink Floyd (Pink Floyd) songs to all teachers and students in the school.But all these actions were in vain. No one responded to us, and even the newspaper we edited stopped publication.

The last time I spread rock and roll in public was at the Farewell Party at the Academy.At that time, I walked to the center of the stage with a broken guitar on my back, and sang a ballad adapted from Bob Dylan with my head down. Dozens of juniors and seniors were all staring at me, waiting for me to make a fool of myself.Halfway through I sang, the audience began to buzz. Obviously, everyone didn't like this song, and they didn't like me either. How much they hoped that I was singing the song "You at the Same Table" on the Oolong program.On the second day after the performance, I was watching the video of the party in the computer room, and found that I couldn’t be more stupid on the stage. The lights made my face pale as if I had lost a relative, and the muscles on my face and legs followed the chords. Shaking up and down, it looks like a fat beggar singing a ballad.I couldn't bear to watch it again, so I went to the corridor and lit a cigarette silently, thinking to myself why bother, if I become a great man in the future, this video will not be spread like crazy.

Everyone is like this, only by looking at yourself from the perspective of a third party can you discover your own ugliness.Just like my complaints about all aspects of Yuda for a long time, if I change my position, these are just a paranoid prejudice. I am no different from other narrow-minded villains. I am even more hateful than them, because I have too much What a vixen's wishful thinking.

In the eyes of outsiders, is rock music not ugly music?We really don't need to share all the happiness with others.

I gave up my role as a convener of rock music fans, accompanied by endless loss, which was far more than the abandonment of that girl from the Chinese department.Because in my opinion, the negation of others is far less terrifying than self-doubt. When the things you are most proud of cannot bring you understanding and respect, that is when you are lonely to the deepest point.I returned my friend's guitar, threw away the rock magazines by my bed, went back to the third floor of the library, and slept on the thick books for a whole year, waiting for it all to finally come to an end.

In the winter of 2005, students from a university on Hongqi Street rushed out of the school gate with sticks in hand, and smashed up a civilian supermarket in the higher education market in broad daylight. Blue broken glass and white sneakers were scattered on the side of the street, and no one dared to clean them. In the autumn of 2006, a gang fight broke out at the night market on Hongqi Street. More than a dozen boys from the Design College chased and beat an off-campus vendor. In the spring of 2007, a female student flew down from the sixth floor of the Yuda North Dormitory, because she failed in her postgraduate study.On the same day, a girl from the University of Science and Technology also committed suicide because her boyfriend who had been in love for four years was tired of playing with her. In the summer of 2009, the real version of "Prince's Revenge" was staged on the stage of the Conservatory of Music Gala. The actress was stabbed to death by a boy who came up to present flowers at the curtain call.

Real life is far less sincere than rock music, but far more cruel than rock music.

In the senior year, it is the period of employment. There are no more classes to take. A few students who have a good relationship with the teachers are recommended. Most students make their own resumes and submit them at job fairs.I was favored by an advertising company, and I moved out of school for an internship. Before leaving school, I recruited all my classmates, opened the box of records I had collected, and said: "I am about to graduate. I have nothing to give to you. Everyone knows me from the beginning. These things started, take whatever you want.” Half an hour later, the box was empty, and my youth officially came to an end.

The last time I stopped behind the practice room of the dance department, I looked in through the lights. The girls were wearing uniform black tights and uniform ponytails, spinning and jumping, their slender fingers cutting through the fluttering The light, the blooming eyelashes provoke the flowing piano sound, like a group of weeping elves.Leaving the practice room, my clarity has turned into chaos. The Yuda children in front of me will take off their student outfits in the future and become white-collar workers, scholars, officials, and "capitalists". Learning various technologies and rules on the assembly line is just because we yearn for the same kind of beautiful life.

5. Someone without an alma mater
The former college classmates are now engaged in all walks of life. Those who rely on their ancestors to commit themselves to wealthy families, those who return to their hometowns to be people's teachers, those who work as small managers in private companies, and those who open online stores to start businesses. Women began to lose shape. Those who had a house got married, and those who didn't have to get married. Then they worried about their children's household registration, anxious about their career prospects, angry about their lover's infidelity, and saddened by the death of their relatives. Danced and danced, some people stood on the edge of the bridge in despair.And only ten years ago, they were all the shy children who followed their families into the Yuda campus.

I have been thinking about a question, how can a man be successful?Men yearn for groups of wives and concubines, side-by-side garages, and entourage everywhere. What men pursue is money, status, and fame. What happens after they have money, status, and fame?Is life just eating, drinking and having fun, or is life all about eating, drinking and having fun?The buddies from the Academy of Fine Arts who played rock and roll together back then, threw away their drawing boards and cut off their long hair after graduation, and started selling women's clothing at a branch stand in the Higher Education District. Within two years, they opened a branch store, and three years later, they even bought what they had dreamed of. Astronomically priced limited edition electric guitars.But can he still play?Is there still time to play?Will he put on a disgusting face and tell people that he only bought this violin to prove that he can afford it?Xiao Gao, a poor student in the Chinese Department, chose to teach in the remote Saibei after graduation. He chose Saibei not because of the kumiss and roast lamb there, but because of the isolated environment. He hoped that the breeze on the dam would wash away the His past shame and pain.Five years later, he finished his washing, gained weight, and bought a local two-bedroom house with his provident fund, but then he ran to Beijing and told me that he was fed up with that place, and he wanted to develop in a big city. I am willing to quit my job as a teacher and sell my newly bought house for this, as long as I can get out of that grassland.

? ? In 2010, I met two boys born in the late 20s in Tongzhou District. One of them was the young owner of the company where my classmate worked, and he was also his immediate superior.These people show me their Audi cars at my place, show off their beautiful girlfriends, show off that they can sing Taiwanese pop songs skillfully, and steal vegetables from QQ farm skillfully, but they don't know who Jiang Wen is, let alone Liang Shiqiu , Akira Kurosawa, Buffett, Stephen Hawking, Milan Kundera, these floating names, they live very happily, and they will live happily like this for 80 years, until the building collapses.

In 2011, I returned to Yuda, which had already been sold to other schools. The signs of the library and the Faculty of Arts were gone, and the Faculty of Communication looked even more outdated.The dormitory area we lived in was taken back by the district government and turned into a ghost town. The doors and windows were rusted, the lampposts were broken, weeds were overgrown, and paper scraps were everywhere.Under the long shade of the tree, I was the only one walking slowly. I tried to recall the countless young and noisy souls here, but it was just a withered past similar to this place.On the train back to Beijing, I said to my friend: "Students from Peking University and Tsinghua University can still have their alma mater and youthful image when they are 60 years old, while some children from Yuda University no longer have it." They don’t exist anymore, and I, like many children in the urban-rural fringe area of ​​this era, officially became a “person without an alma mater”.

In 2012, I made an exception for the first time to participate in the reunion of old classmates of Yuda University, and it was the last time I was disappointed. All the people present were no longer what they used to be.Ironically, they also accused me of changing, saying I had become sophisticated, cold, hypocritical.I told them I was real, they just forgot.Just after drinking half of the wine that day, I left the hotel early and went to Houhai alone.At the end of Qianjing Hutong, I came across a pair of yellow and green socks. I stared at them for a long time, and couldn’t help crying when I left. They looked so familiar, and I couldn’t remember who had worn them before. Someone I've ever loved?They walked on the wind in these bright socks like a burnt-out flame.

On Christmas Eve in 2013, I finally dreamed of that Chinese girl.She stood far behind the practice room of the dance department and waited for me. She was still so young and beautiful. I walked over with a smile and told her that I would like to be her friend. She also laughed and asked me what my future plans were.I said I was going to Beijing, she asked why, I said maybe there is something special there, I will rent a house there, work there, even fall in love with a girl there, I will forget her, forget Yuda, Forget where you come from, because fate has an end.

In the criss-cross current and digital life, people have found the direction of survival again, and everything has returned to plainness, mediocrity and plainness.

(End of this chapter)