My Master Jinyiwei

Chapter 41

Liu Ling didn't want to think too much about her mother's death.

But for so many years, whether it is the people around her or herself, they have never forgotten this.

When Liu Ling was five years old, her mother committed suicide by throwing herself into a lake.

Later, Liu Ling was able to talk about those things with Shen Yan calmly, and Shen Yan asked her, "What kind of person is your mother?"

Liu Ling replied, "She is a weak woman, like a dodder."

Shen Yan asked again, "What kind of person is your father?"

Liu Ling replied, "He's a jerk."

This is Liu Ling's evaluation of her parents.Even after her mother died, even during her down years, she never changed her mind.

Her mother is weak, her father is a jerk, and the daughter she gave birth to has a personality that is not at all the same as the two of them.

Liu Ling's mother, her boudoir name is Zhang Minglan.Very elegant and gentle name, just like her own.

Zhang Minglan's father is Dingbei Hou, and her cousin is the late queen.She came from a noble family, fell in love with the not-so-favoured King Guangping, and took the initiative to marry Jiangzhou Prefecture.

Maybe there is love between Liu Ling's parents, but Liu Ling doesn't pay attention.Childhood memories are pure and simple, and they are forgotten in a blink of an eye.Sometimes bright, sometimes dark, it is very difficult for a child to understand.Liu Ling's memories of the past are mostly vague, and the first gate of her deep memory was opened by the death of her mother when she was five years old.

From then on, she began to keep everything silently in her heart.From then on, this memory was destined to torture her for the rest of her life.

On a rainy day, she had an argument with her mother.The mother's weakness in the face of her father again made Liu Ling look down on her.At that time, she was only five years old, but she could be the reliance of a weak mother.High-spirited, with sharp lips and teeth, nothing in the world can stop her.

Many years later, Liu Ling often thought: She should be softer, because she was too strong and hurt her mother.

She shouldn't be so tough on everyone.It is better to admit your mistakes and bow your head first when you meet someone, than to force them to death.

Liu Ling regretted it.

Because she was standing in front of the big lake in the courtyard with her mother, her mother looked at the lake in a daze, bent over and hugged her and cried, "A Ling, I think life is really boring. Would you like to jump down with your mother?"

"I don't want to!" The five-year-old girl already had her own opinion, "Mom, can you calm down? Even if it's for me, you can be tough, okay? Throw yourself into the lake... You make yourself so sad, does daddy care?" , you know? He is not worthy of you. If you still want to jump into the lake, then you jump! If you have the heart to leave me alone, you just go.

It was raining continuously in autumn, and she said something to her mother until she stopped talking.

Zhang Minglan has always been like this. She can't be her own master, and if her husband doesn't help her, she seeks her daughter's help.It's always been like this, and that day was like every time before, nothing out of the ordinary.Later, Liu Ling thought back, thinking about that time, the most unusual thing was that Zhang Minglan suffered more setbacks than before.Her dodder-like character made her unable to bear it.

But how can a five-year-old child clearly see all this?
What Liu Ling thinks is a waste of time, maybe her mother doesn't think so.

For so many years, Liu Ling has repeatedly speculated: Maybe her mother didn't really want her advice.The mother is just alone and lonely and needs her daughter on her side.

But her daughter is as sharp as a knife and too young to understand the thoughts of people like her mother.

So Liu Ling left.

She was especially worried about her mother. After walking for a while, she sneaked back to see how her mother was doing.She saw her mother sitting wet on the stone steps in front of the lake in the rain, with her head lowered, maybe wiping the rain or tears.In short, my mother didn't act like she really wanted to jump into the lake.

So Liu Ling was completely relieved.

At night, Liu Ling woke up and heard the chaos outside.Feeling something in his heart, the five-year-old pushed away everyone who was serving him, and ran towards the big lake.She ran in the right direction, where did everyone run.She was so frightened that her hands and feet became weak, she fell several times, and then gritted her teeth to get up and run again.

The rain is still falling, and the night is like the mouth of a terrible beast, devouring the children who run to it.Chaos, bizarre.The lights flickered, and the cold rain hit my face.The child stood by the lake and saw the body of his mother being salvaged.

The shoes and socks are placed on the shore, just like Liu Ling left before.

But her mother was no longer sitting on the stone steps, but lay dying on the ground.

Everyone was crying and they were all overwhelmed.

Her father suddenly pushed away the crowd, grabbed her by the hair, and lifted her to the cold corpse on the ground.She was thrown there severely by her father, and her knees were hit hard on the bluestone slabs, and she bled from the bumps, and she was swollen for a month before she recovered.But at that time, Liu Ling didn't feel any pain.

She looked at her mother who could no longer open her eyes.

Listening to the roar of the father, "You killed her! You killed your own mother! How can there be a daughter like you in the world?!"

Before she was five years old, she often heard the word "death", but felt that it was very far away and had nothing to do with her.

It was only when she was five years old that she clearly felt for the first time that this word was scary.

The little child knelt in front of his mother's body, frightened and flustered, trembling.Her father kept yelling at her, and she was so shaken that her eardrums hurt and she couldn't hear a word.

In the following years, Liu Ling did a lot of stupid things.For this reason, she couldn't stay in Guangping Palace, and her grandfather took her to Yejing.

Her spiritual world became abnormal, and her grandfather sought imperial physicians and famous folk doctors to heal her injuries.And Xu Shijin also came over to accompany her through those years.

She is sometimes sad: her mother was killed by her.

Sometimes I hate: why do you want to die? !

Sometimes angry: Everyone blames me, but who ever asked me if I was willing to do this? !Don't you think it's cruel to add all your sins to me who is only five years old? !

Her father is a jerk.

But those other people may not be much better than their father.

She has been dreaming for many years, running in the dark night, watching her mother walk down the lake again and again in the autumn rain.The boundary between dreams and reality becomes blurred, and her memories are often tampered with as a result.It was very cold there and there was no light, so she wanted to hold herself until dawn alone.After waking up, it was still like a dream, chaotic, sluggish and hazy, unable to distinguish between real and fake.

Still a life without light.

She was always looking for the light.

After finally finding one, it was destroyed.

When I found another one, I was pulled back to the muddy past.

"A Ling, it's nothing. We all know that you don't have to force yourself." Seeing Liu Ling's current state, Lu Mingshan finally opened his mouth.

The maids were extremely impatient, they knew better than anyone else what the princess' heart was.This is something that cannot be comforted with words, and this makes him hate Lu Mingshan even more.

Lu Mingshan walked up to Liu Ling, "Since I've met old man Sun, it seems that Ah Ling doesn't feel any surprise, and I'm really terrified. Alright, let's go."

Liu Ling's mood had been brought into a slump. She didn't hear Lu Mingshan's words very clearly.It's just that someone pushed her to go out, and she instinctively followed.Looking back, she saw the old man with a desolate face and tears in the house. She opened her mouth, but still said nothing.

It might be better for old man Sun to follow Lu Mingshan than to follow her.

After all, old man Sun doesn't want to see her, she always brings bad luck to those around her.

This time, Lu Mingshan really took Liu Ling up the mountain.He said it was to clear her mind, but what was he talking about, "A-Ling, have you ever counted how many people died at your hands, directly or indirectly?"

The same up the mountain, the same road, the same physical strength.

Liu Ling and Shen Yan walked easily, even though Shen Yan walked in front of her, except for helping her occasionally, she didn't mention helping her up the mountain at all.She followed behind Shen Yan, looking at Shen Yan's back, full of tranquility.

Liu Ling and Lu Mingshan walked this road, even if Lu Mingshan supported her, even if he wished to walk this road for her, she still felt that every time she took a step, she was too heavy to lift her legs.Why is this road so long, why does she have to go down?

"A Ling, of course you have to go. You are stubborn and don't like to escape. Will you pretend that you don't see the lives of those killed by you?" Lu Mingshan said.

She said weakly, "Didn't you want to talk about the things between you and me? Why do you always turn around my things?"

He laughed, "Okay, let's talk about our business. You saved me back then, and I asked you to marry me. This was a good beginning. But I found out later, Ah Ling, you don't love me at all. You are just When looking for parasites, you need to find a support to help you get out of your mother's shadow. Just in time, I became that person."

"I am very good to you, and I am also trying to heal you. But it is in vain - you look at me, but you don't have me in your heart. This kind of love, based on your parasitism, I am already exhausted."

Liu Ling nodded, "Yes, it's my fault. It's still my fault. Everything is my fault. You are all poor people who have been hurt by me, and I am the only one who has committed a heinous crime."

"Do you think I'm making excuses for myself? No, Ah Ling, you know very well whether you have ever loved you in your heart." Lu Mingshan said softly, "You make me very tired and full of dust."

Liu Ling pursed her lips.

what is love like
If it was like Lu Mingshan and Yue Ling, she might not have had it.

But in her heart, she really regarded Lu Mingshan as everything.From the heart, to him without reservation.

It also made him tired.

In the end, it was still her fault.

"You are the same now," Lu Mingshan looked at her, "You don't love Shen Yan. You look at him in your eyes, but you can't hold him in your heart. You are still looking for sustenance, looking for someone to support you. Not only can you not get out Your mother's shadow can't get out of my shadow either. Mr. Shen looks like me in a certain direction, don't you know? His scar makes you lose your mind, don't you know the reason? Ah Ling , you are looking at him as my shadow. But Ah Ling, Lord Shen is different from me. If he finds out the truth, guess what you will do?"

Liu Ling's face was pale.

Different.

she thought.

It must be different.

But she was trembling again.

It was wrong for her to pursue Shen Yan at first.This wrong beginning answered all of Lu Mingshan's words.So even if she was really moved afterwards, from people's point of view, from her own point of view, it would be hypocritical.Then there will be misunderstandings and quarrels... This makes Liu Ling panic.

She seems to be very bad at arguing with people.The consequences of every dispute were too heavy for her to bear.

Will Shen Yan leave her too?
"You can't tell him," Liu Ling murmured, "or I'll kill you."

"Kill me?" Lu Mingshan smiled, "Then let's do the math, how many lives do you have in your hands?"

"There are three in total."

Liu Ling's eyebrows twitched, trembling extremely slightly.

"Your mother is one. Sister Ling's child is one. There is another..." As Liu Ling's black eyes stared, he took out a letter from his sleeve, "Your brother's death."

He threw the letter to Liu Ling.

It has the imprint of Quang Binh Palace on it.

Lu Mingshan said, "Your father wrote you a letter, but he didn't know where you went. He sent the letter to me and asked me to bring it to you."

Already at the top of the mountain, the rain is still falling, but it is slightly silent, and there is no need to prepare an umbrella.

Lu Mingshan walked away politely, "Go and read the letter yourself, I won't disturb you."

"Princess..." The maids wanted to stop her, because every time she received a letter from King Guangping, the princess would be in a bad mood.Lu Mingshan is forcing the princess to die. In such a powerless state, he still gave the prince's letter to the princess!
Lingxi Lingbi was anxious, and gradually felt Mr. Lu's bad intentions: he is driving the princess to a dead end!

The Lu family's status in Yejing was stable, as long as it wasn't the princess he personally killed, he would have a way to clean himself up.And the maids like Liu Ling... are just servants after all.If the upper class wants to operate, it is not something they dare to shake.

They want to tell the princess Lu Gongzi's conspiracy, and ask the princess not to be fooled.

But what's the use of this?
Now that the princess is mentally dull and confused, she can't listen at all.

"Go down, let me be quiet." Liu Ling asked the maids to stay away from her.

Liu Ling opened the letter numbly, she recognized her father's notes.

"You unfilial and rebellious daughter! What's the use of me giving birth to you, and what's the point of raising you?!" At the first glance, it was his father's habit of abusing her.

Even in front of her father, he could still spit on her face.And Liu Ling often retorted, making her father fall down on the chair in anger.

Her father's next words made Liu Ling's expression freeze, "Ping'er is dead, you killed him!"

Liu Runping, the youngest son of the current Princess Guangping, is Liu Ling's nominal younger brother.

This is what Lu Mingshan said, the third person she killed.

Liu Ling thought of that young man who was born with the same father as her, and his mother was also related by blood.

Liu Ling has always played an arrogant and vicious role in the Guangping Palace. The King of Guangping dared to contradict her, and the Princess of Guangping was even less important to her.She thought that everyone there hated her, but in the end there was a child who liked her very much and always followed her.Liu Ling is very annoying to this child, she has no affection at all.But the fate between people is sometimes irresistible.

When she went to live in Yejing, only Liu Runping would hold her sleeves and cry, "Sister, can I go with you? When will you come back? I will miss you very much."

When she was scolded by her father, everyone else was watching the show, and only Liu Runping would rush forward, filled with righteous indignation, which made Liu Runping's own mother very annoyed, "Don't bully my elder sister! Don't hit her! If you want to hit me, hit me!"

Liu Ling treated this child carelessly, because of blood relationship, she really couldn't like it.But even so, compared to her enemy-like relationship with other people in the palace, she and Liu Runping can be called "love each other".

Such a child who was devoted to her was not favored by the servants and fell from the rockery.It's just because the person he wants to find is her, but she doesn't want to.It was her fault again.

She was angry then, anxious to leave the house, and didn't want to care about it all.

She thought that Liu Runping would be fine with the presence of a genius doctor.

But my father said that Liu Runping was dead.

It was still her fault.

How ridiculous and sad.

The sky was gray, with a bluish-white shimmer in the rain.Liu Ling raised her head, and the wind blew towards her, blowing her empty eyes.There was no blood on her clean face, just a paper-like whiteness.

Liu Ling turned her head and saw Lu Mingshan and the maids standing far away.Lu Mingshan looked at her with a blank face, and the maids were yelling at her in a panic, as if they were afraid of irritating her and dared not come over.

The world is empty, the thrips are hopeless.

Liu Ling looked towards the bottom of the cliff, looking at the abyss covered by the billowing clouds.

There were eyes watching her.

She was so tired and had no thoughts at all.

She looked at the bottom of the cliff, unable to make any extra expressions.To stare into the abyss, is to wait for the same gaze into the abyss, or to wait for Nirvana, to wrestle with the evil dragon?She thought she couldn't wait for this answer.

"A Ling, I think life is really boring. Would you like to jump down with your mother?"

"You killed her! You killed your own mother! How can there be a daughter like you in the world?!"

"That woman Zhang Mulan was in vain the wife's own sister. After the death of the wife, she immediately became the new owner of the palace. And you, you have done nothing!"

Liu Ling looked down at the cliff, she was so close to it.The wind here was a bit strong, causing her body to shake and her hands and feet to be numb.

She walks and runs in the dark all year round.She escaped from a monster like a black hole and stepped out of the growth rings, but the illness in her heart could not be cured.I always feel that life is hopeless, and I can't help but blame myself when facing people, and I am always fascinated when I see death.She fell and crawled, she crawled forward, she wanted to find something.She wants to be nice to herself.

But nothing came out.

"It's too tiring to be with you."

"A Ling, why do you have to kill everyone? Isn't it enough for your mother to be..."

"A-Ling, have you ever calculated how many people died directly or indirectly at your hands?"

"You just love glory and wealth, and you don't want to be the number one princess. You are just drunk, greedy for life and afraid of death, and dare not pay for your mother's life. Have you lived for so many years, haven't you lived enough?"

She obviously put in a lot of hard work, and she has been making up for it.

She felt that she was right, she wanted to escape, she didn't fight to the death with the people in the palace, she cooperated with the treatment, and she didn't care about her grandfather's hesitancy to speak.Standing up in the mud, she pretended not to hear her mother's perennial call. She told herself, "It's the demons who want me to die, not my mother. Although my mother is weak, she will never be willing." Watch me die".She tried to forget those things and let herself live peacefully.She wants to see the stars in the night sky, wait for the dawn, and embrace the sunrise.She thought there was nothing wrong with being alive.

But she was pulled back again and again.

Lu Mingshan's betrayal, Yue Ling's miscarriage, old man Sun's accusation, Liu Runping's death...

The murderer pays with his life.

She should pay the price.

But just such a meager life, is it enough to repay all the mistakes?
Thinking in a daze, Liu Ling leaned forward.

She suddenly saw a crane flying out of the sea of ​​clouds, with holy white wings and a high neck.The rain wet its wings, and it flew swiftly.

The sudden appearance of the bird startled everyone.The body that made Liu Ling stand on the edge of the cliff also swayed, almost falling off.

At this moment, a tall and straight figure suddenly appeared in Liu Ling's mind, seeing his indifferent but handsome face turned towards her——

He took her to stand in the mountains, and pointed out to her the birds and fallen leaves;

He pointed at the starry sky, and the starlight merged into long lines in his hands;

He hugged her and sat on the top of the cloud, every bird feather flew high, and she kissed him.

Shen Yan said to her, "You don't know, I will protect you."

He will protect her.

If he saw her being forced to this point, he would be reluctant, right?
If she was forced to die, would he shed tears for her?
Liu Ling's heart calmed down.

Her body was trembling, her lips were trembling, and her nails were pinching the flesh of her palm.

Shen Yan.

Shen Meiren.

Lord Shen.

Every time she thinks about him, her courage increases.

His consciousness gradually recovered, and his eyes gradually became clear.Liu Ling was still standing on the edge of the cliff, looking at the bottom of the cliff in a daze: Shen Yan...how should I miss you?
Liu Ling closed her eyes, opened them again, took two steps back, and retreated from the edge of the cliff.She hugged herself, squatted down, and wiped the water from the corners of her eyes.

"Liu Ling!" She suddenly heard someone calling her.

She didn't hear it clearly the first time, but when it sounded the second time, she widened her eyes, was slow and puzzled, and looked up in disbelief.

Dressed in Tsing Yi, Shen Yan got off his horse.In the summer rain, he saw the girl squatting on the edge of the cliff.She tilted her head to look at herself in a trance, carefully avoiding the harm and blow of the outside world, slowly opened her black and white eyes wide open, facing fate, she showed a desolate and quiet smile, "Shen Yan, they bullied me."

Just this one sentence is extremely indifferent.

Shen Yan's heart ached suddenly, as if being torn apart.

(End of this chapter)