There is a feeling called heartache

Chapter 46
The world is full of the symphony of love, we listen, express, feel, and shock, but my dumb father let me understand that, in fact, the greatest music is silence, which is an undoubted force, and it pushes my understanding of love to the highest level. place.

There is a medium-sized city in northern Liaoning——Tieling. On the streets of Tieling Gonggong Street, almost every morning or evening, you can see an old man pushing a tofu cart and walking slowly. The battery horn on the car emits a clear female voice: " Selling tofu, authentic marinated tofu! Tofu—"

That voice is mine.That old man is my father.Dad is dumb.It wasn't until I was in my twenties that I had the courage to put my voice on my father's tofu cart, replacing the copper bell that had been ringing in his hand for decades.

When I was two or three years old, I learned how humiliating it was to have a dumb father, so I hated him from an early age.When I saw some children being called by their mothers to buy tofu, but ran away without paying for the tofu, and when their fathers stretched their necks and couldn’t make a sound, I would not catch up with them like my elder brother. The child was punched twice, and I watched the scene sadly, without making a sound. I don't hate the child, but my father is dumb.

Even though my two older brothers made me grin in pain every time they combed my hair, I still insisted that my father never braid me again.When my mother passed away, I didn’t leave a large portrait, only a photo of her neighbor’s aunt before she got married, a black and white two-inch piece. When my father was indifferent to me, he turned over the back of the square mirror to look at the photo, and saw that he had to do work. Only when it was time for a child did he leave silently.

The most irritating thing is that other children call me "dumb third child" (I am the third eldest in the family), when I can't scold them, I will run home and draw a circle on the ground facing my father who is grinding tofu , I spit in the middle, although I don't understand what it means, but other children do this when they scold me. I think this is probably the most vicious expression for scolding a dumb person.

The first time I scolded my father like this, my father stopped what he was doing and stared blankly at me for a long time. Tears flowed down like a river. I rarely saw him cry, but that day he hid in the tofu shop and cried all night.It was a silent weeping.

Because of my father's tears, I seemed to have finally found an outlet for my humiliation, so that in the days to come, I would often run to him, scold him, and then walk away, leaving him alone for a while.It's just that later on he no longer shed tears, and he shrunk his thin body into a smaller ball, leaning on the grinding rod or next to the grinding disc, showing an ugly look that made me look down even more.

I want to study hard, go to college, and leave this small village where everyone knows that my father is dumb!This was my biggest wish at the time.I don’t know how my elder brothers got married one after another, I don’t know how many new milling rods have been replaced in my father’s tofu workshop, I don’t know how many villages and villages have heard the copper bells that have lost their edge after the winter comes and the summer solstice... …just hating myself and reading like crazy. , I was finally admitted to university. For the first time, my father put on the blue jacket that my aunt sewed for him in 1979. He sat under the lamp in the early autumn evening of 1992, with a joyful expression and solemnly handing over a pile of banknotes that still smelled like tofu. When it came to my hand, my mouth kept "talking" wah wah wah wah, I listened blankly to his eagerness and pride, and blankly watched him inform relatives and neighbors with a satisfied smile.When I saw him leading his second uncle and brothers to pull out and slaughter the big fat pig that he had carefully reared for two years, and asked all his parents to congratulate me on going to college, I don’t know what touched my hard heartstrings. I cried.

When I was eating, I put a few pieces of pork on my dad in front of everyone, and I cried with tears: "Dad, dad, you eat meat." Dad couldn't hear it, but he knew what I meant. There was a light that had never been seen in the room, and I drank it with tears and bulk sorghum wine, and then ate the meat my daughter picked up. My father, he was really drunk, his face was so red, his waist was so red. Straight, the sign language is so chic!You know, in 18 years, 18 years, he has never seen me shouting "Dad" to him with my mouth!
Dad continued to make tofu hard, and used the banknotes with a faint smell of tofu to pay for me to finish college. In 1996, I graduated and was assigned to go back to Tieling, 40 li away from my hometown in the countryside.

After I settled down, I went to pick up my father, who had been living alone, to the city to enjoy the belated affection of my daughter, but on the way back to my hometown in a taxi, the car had an accident.

I learned everything after the accident from my sister-in-law—someone among the passers-by recognized that she was the third girl of Lao Tu’s family, so the elder brother, second brother, elder sister-in-law and second sister-in-law who were nimble and quick-footed all came, and looked unconscious with blood all over her body. I cried into a ball, confused.Finally, the father who rushed over pushed through the crowd, picked me up who had been judged to be doomed to death, and stopped a big car on the side of the road. He carried my body on his legs, and took out a large handful of tofu from his pocket with his free hand. I stuffed the change into the driver's hand, and then kept making the sign of the cross, begging the driver to take me to the hospital for emergency treatment.The sister-in-law said that my father, who was cowardly all his life, showed incomparable strength and strength at that time!

After carefully cleaning the wound, the doctor transferred me to another hospital, and hinted to my brothers that I was no longer worth saving, because at that time, my blood pressure could hardly be measured, and my head was swollen like a squashed gourd.

Dad tore up the mourning clothes that my elder brother bought for me in desperation, pointed to his eyes, stretched out his thumb, gestured at his temples, pointed at me with two more fingers, and stretched out his thumb again, shaking Shake your hands and close your eyes, which means: "Don't cry, I didn't cry, don't cry, your sister will not die, she is only in her 20s, she will do it, we will be able to save her !"

The doctor still said that there was nothing he could do, so he asked the elder brother to "tell" his father: "This girl is hopeless, and even if she wants to be saved, it will cost a lot of money. Even if it costs a lot of money, it may not be possible."

Dad knelt on the ground at once, then stood up immediately, pointed at me, raised his hand high, and then did the postures of planting the land, feeding the pigs, mowing the grass, and pushing the mill pole, then took out his empty pockets, and stretched out his hands again. He gestured with both hands anyway, which meant: "I beg you, save my daughter. My daughter is promising. It's amazing. You must save her. I will earn money to pay for the medical expenses. I know how to feed pigs, plant land, and make tofu, I have money, and now I have 4000 yuan."

The doctor held his hand, shook his head, and said that the 4000 yuan was far from enough.Dad was in a hurry, he pointed to his brother and sister-in-law, clenched his fists tightly, and said: "I still have them, we work together, we can do it." Seeing that the doctor was silent, he pointed to the roof again, lowered his head and stomped his feet, Put your hands together on the right side of your head, close your eyes, and say: "I have a house, I can sell it, I can sleep on the ground, even if I lose everything, I want my daughter to live." Pointing to the doctor's heart, put Put your hands flat, and said: "Doctor, please rest assured, we will not default on the debt. Money, we will find a way."

The elder brother cried and interpreted his father's sign language to the doctor. Before the translation was finished, the doctor was already in tears--whoever saw his father's quick gestures, deep and accurate expression, would cry!

The doctor also said: "Even if the operation is performed, it may not be able to be cured. In case I can't come to the operating table 247..."'

Dad patted his pockets affirmatively, and then compared his chest, meaning: "You try your best to rescue, even if it doesn't work, you will still have a lot of money. I have no complaints."

The great father's love not only supported my life, but also supported the doctor's confidence and determination to rescue me.I was pushed onto the operating table.

Dad was guarding outside the operating room. He walked back and forth in the corridor uneasily, and even worn out the soles of his shoes!
He didn't shed a single tear, but his mouth was full of blisters during the ten hours of waiting!He kept making chaotic movements of worshiping Buddha and praying to God, begging God to give his daughter life!

God is also moved!I survived.But for half a month, I was in a coma and had no sense of my father's love.Facing me who has become a "vegetative state", people have lost confidence.Only Dad, he stood by my bed, waiting for me to wake up firmly!He carefully massaged me with his rough hands, and he kept calling to me with his unpronounceable voice, he was calling: "Yun girl, wake up, Yun girl, daddy is waiting for you Drink the new soy milk!"

In order to make the doctors and nurses treat me well, my father made a big plate of hot tofu while my brother was in bed with him, and sent it to almost all the medical staff in the surgery. Faced with such a simple and sincere expression and request, they took it lightly.Dad was satisfied and more confident.He gestured to them and said: "You are very good people, I believe you will be able to cure my daughter!" During this period, in order to raise medical expenses, my father traveled to every village where he sold tofu, and he spent half his life His honesty and kindness won enough support for his daughter to cross the line of life and death. The villagers gave out money one after another, and the father was not sloppy, but he wrote it down with a pencil crookedly: Zhang Sanzhu, 20 yuan; Li Gang, 100 yuan; Mrs. Wang, 65 yuan... half a month later, one morning, I finally opened my eyes, and I saw an old man who was so thin that he opened his mouth wide because he saw me. Waking up and yelling loudly in surprise, her white hair was soon wet with sweat from excitement.Dad, my father who had black hair half a month ago seems to be 20 years old in just half a month!
My shaved hair grew out slowly. Dad stroked my head and smiled kindly. Once, this kind of touching was such a luxury for him.Half a year later, when my hair could barely be tied into a small brush, I took my father's hand and asked him to comb my hair. My father became clumsy. He combed strand by strand, but he couldn't do it for a long time. He came with a satisfied look.I took my messy little brush and went to the street in a small cart that my father's tofu cart was converted into.Once my father stopped, turned to me, made a gesture of hugging me, made a gesture of tossing me, and then twisted his fingers to show that he was counting money. It turned out that he was going to sell me as tofu!I covered my face and cried on purpose, and my father laughed silently, looking at him through the gap between his fingers, and he squatted on the ground laughing.This game has been played until I can stand up and walk.

Now, apart from the occasional headache, I look perfectly healthy.Dad is so proud of it!
We worked hard together to pay off the debts, and my father moved to the city to live with me, but he had worked so hard all his life and couldn’t take any time off, so I rented a small hut nearby to make a tofu workshop for him.The tofu made by my father is fragrant and tender, and the pieces are big. Everyone wants to eat it.I installed a battery horn on his tofu cart, even though my dad couldn’t hear my crisp cries, he knew it. Whenever he pressed the button, he would raise his head with a face full of happiness and contentment. He didn't hold the slightest grudge against my discrimination back then, so much so that I couldn't bear to confess to him.

I often think: the world is full of the symphony of love, we listen, express, feel, and shock, but my dumb father let me understand that, in fact, the greatest music is silence, which is an undoubted force, and it brings my love to the world. Understanding sent to the highest place.

be with love
Maybe my mother will never know that my eldest brother is long gone, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I know that the people we love will never die, and that there are more important things in life than grief.

One winter, my grandfather passed away suddenly, and an unspeakable sadness almost engulfed my life.

On a snowy night, my friend suddenly offered to drink with me. When I was drunk, he told a story of his own experience... When my elder brother died of illness, my mother was already 70 years old. My mother was overly sad, and after discussing with my siblings, we decided to hide the bad news from my mother.Since the elder brother lived in other places during his lifetime, he would only reunite with his mother during the New Year and holidays. I believe my mother would not notice it.

Although we all avoided mentioning the eldest brother, after a while, my mother still started talking about why the eldest brother was the most filial among the children, why she hadn't come to see her for so long now.We had to use various excuses, saying that my eldest brother was not in good health or too busy to leave. In order to convince my mother, we even wrote a letter from my eldest brother and read it to her.At first, it was easy to deal with it. After all, my mother is already 70 years old, and her reactions are no longer so sharp. But as time went on, all the reasons became pale and powerless. Mother's longing for her eldest brother became more and more urgent. She began to yell that we must take her to take the train to the eldest brother's house.We had no choice but to use the fact that she was too old to go out, and every time I saw the disappointed expression on my mother's request after we rejected it, my heart felt as if it was being cut by a knife, and I even felt guilty. Facing my mother's eyes, at that time, I really wanted to tell my mother all the truth, but reason stopped me from doing so after all.Gradually, we began to get used to our mother's nagging, and my mother also got used to our rejection, and her health was getting worse and worse, so she didn't make any exorbitant demands anymore. However, the grief of losing a loved one But it often grabs our hearts longing for tranquility.

In the winter of that year, on the eve of my return to school after my winter vacation, my mother suddenly stopped me and took out a woolen vest from under the pillow with her bony hands and handed it to me.I have seen this vest, it was my father's favorite when he was alive.I looked at my mother puzzled, and after a while, my mother said to me tremblingly, before you go back to school, go to your elder brother's place anyway, and take this woolen vest with you. Among the brothers and sisters, your elder brother has suffered The most, the longest time away from mother, the eldest brother has not come for such a long time, he must have suffered from back disease... A hot current surged into my heart, I took the wool from my mother's hand with mixed feelings Vest, at that moment, I suddenly felt a sense of relief. The elder brother really didn't pass away. Isn't the whole family missing and caring for each other as before?Brother just went to a more distant and more beautiful place, one day, we will meet again there!
After that, I was finally able to calmly face my mother's worried face, and finally I was able to calmly recall my father, my eldest brother and many relatives and friends who were far away from me with my mother. Maybe my mother will never know that my eldest brother is no longer there. This life is irrelevant, what matters is that I know that the people we love will never die and that there are more important things in life than grief.Four years later, my mother left us. When she was dying, she held the hands of our brothers and sisters and said with infinite joy: I can finally see your father and elder brother... The story of my friend is over, and my eyes are full of tears.That silent night suddenly gave me a deeper understanding of the parting of life and death that I have always feared the most.

As long as there is love, life is immortal.

(Hu Jianguo)

(End of this chapter)