got windy

Chapter 4 Winter

October [-], [-]

In the afternoon, as usual, I left the patient, left the nursing home, walked through the fields where the farmers were busy working and harvesting, passed through the weeds, walked down the narrow village in the valley, and passed the river hanging over the creek. The suspension bridge climbs up the low hill with many chestnut trees on the other side of the village, and sits on the slope of the top of the hill.Here I can continue for several hours, in a bright and quiet state of mind, immersed in the story that I will start to conceive in the future.Sometimes, in the direction of my feet, children shake the chestnut tree so that the fruit keeps falling.The loud sound echoing in the valley occasionally disturbs me...

I am in this situation, hearing and seeing everything around me, and I feel that they seem to tell me: "The fruits of our life are already ripe." At the same time, they also urge me to reap the fruits as soon as possible.I like this feeling very much.

Seeing the red sun dipping to the west, it is almost completely hidden in the shadow of the mountain full of miscellaneous trees opposite the village in the valley.I got up slowly, walked down the hill, passed the suspension bridge again, walked around the small village with the sound of waterwheels echoing everywhere, and then came to the edge of the larch forest extending to the foot of Mount Yatsugatake, thinking of Setsuko Possibly anxiously awaiting my return, I hastened to return to the sanitarium.

October 23
Near dawn, I woke up with a start when I felt a strange sound around me.After listening for a while, the whole nursing home was as quiet as death.Then I felt my eyes were clear and I couldn't sleep anymore.

Through the windowpane on which the little moths stuck, I could dimly see two or three morning stars shimmering.At this moment, I gradually felt an indescribable loneliness about the dawn.He got up gently, not knowing what he was going to do, and walked barefoot into the still dark ward next door.After approaching the bed, he bent down to look at Setsuko's sleeping face.Suddenly, unexpectedly, she opened her watery eyes and looked up at me like that.

"What are you doing?" she asked in surprise.

As I told her not to mind with my eyes, I slowly lowered my body and pressed down on her, as if I couldn't bear it anymore, I pressed my cheek against her face.

"Oh, it's so cold!" She closed her eyes and moved her head slightly.Her hair was faintly fragrant.In this way, we felt each other's breath, pressed our faces together, and remained motionless for a long time.

"Ah, another chestnut has fallen..." She opened her eyes, looked at me, and said softly.

"Ah, is it a chestnut?... So it was these guys who woke me up just now."

I raised my voice a little, let her go while talking, walked to the window that had gradually become brighter at some point, and then leaned against the window, letting the hot tears flow from which eye I didn't know just now, along the way Cheeks slipped.I stared blankly at several clouds hovering on the opposite ridge, and the clouds had been stained with a muddy red hue.Then I heard voices coming from the direction of the field...

"You'll catch a cold like this," she whispered on the bed.

While thinking about how to answer her in a relaxed tone, I turned my head to look at her.However, as soon as I met her wide, sad eyes looking at me, I was speechless.I can only be silent, leave the window, and go back to my room.

A few minutes later, the patient began to cough uncontrollably and violently.This cough has become a daily dawn routine.I got under the covers again and listened to the cough with an uneasy feeling that I couldn't tell what it was like.

October 27
Today I still spend my afternoons in the mountains and forests.

What I have been thinking all day has not deviated from one theme, the theme of the real marriage contract-how much happiness can two people make each other have in a too short life?Destiny is completely irresistible, in front of it, we can only bow our heads and resign ourselves to our fate, the figures of young men and women standing side by side with their hearts connected to each other and their bodies warming each other—as such a pair, our figures, who are lonely and unhappy, become more and more beautiful. Clearly jumped before my eyes.If I turn a blind eye to these things, what else can I describe now? ...

The seemingly endless foothills have been dyed yellow by the withered larch forest.At sunset, I quickened my pace and returned as usual.When I walked to the edge of the pine forest, I saw a young tall woman standing at the end of the miscellaneous forest behind the nursing home. She was bathed in the afterglow of the west-sloping sun, and her hair was shining brightly.I stopped for a while, thinking that the woman really looked like Setsuko.However, she was the only one standing alone on this occasion, so it was really impossible to figure out whether it was her or not.So I just picked up my pace a little bit more than usual.But as the distance got closer and closer, upon closer inspection, it turned out that it was really a knot.

"What's wrong?" I ran to her side and asked out of breath.

"I'm waiting for you here." She blushed a little because of shyness, and replied with a smile.

"What nonsense!" I looked sideways at her face.

"For once, it doesn't matter... besides, I feel very happy today." She tried to use a cheerful tone, and said so, looking straight at the foot of the mountain in the direction of my return.

"I saw you coming from a long distance away."

Without saying a word, I stood shoulder to shoulder with her, looking in the same direction.

She said cheerfully again: "As soon as we arrive at this place, Mount Yatsugatake can be fully seen."

"Ah."

I agreed a little perfunctorily.When I stood side by side with her and looked at Mt. Yatsugatake in the distance, a feeling mixed with incomprehension suddenly surged in my heart.

"Is it the first time to look at that mountain with you like this? But, I always feel that I have seen that mountain like this countless times before."

"Shouldn't such a thing be possible?"

"No, that's right... Now I finally remember... We, a long time ago, saw it together from the opposite side of this mountain, like this. No, when you and I saw it together, it was in the In summer, because it is always covered by clouds, I can hardly see anything... However, after entering autumn, I went there alone to see, and looked at the mountain at the end of the opposite horizon in the distance, from the opposite direction from the present Look. Even though it is not clear whether it is this mountain from such a far away place, it does look like it. It seems to be in that direction... Do you remember the grassland full of miscanthus?"

"Ah."

"But it's really strange. I've lived with you in this mountain foothill for so long, and I didn't notice it at all..."

Exactly two years ago, on the last day of autumn, I saw the mountains with a clear horizon for the first time from the lush grass of miscanthus.At that time, with a sense of happiness that could almost be described as sad, the figure of the two of us who dreamed that one day they would be together, clearly and nostalgicly appeared in front of my eyes.

We fell silent.Flocks of migratory birds flew across the sky silently.We stood shoulder to shoulder, looking out at the mountains with the admiration we had in those first days.Our shadows are gradually stretched and lie down on the grass.

Soon after, the wind picked up, and the weeds behind us made a noise.

As if I suddenly remembered something, I said to her, "It's time to go back."

We walked into the leafy miscellaneous forest.I stopped every now and then so she could get a little bit ahead of me.Two summers ago, when I was walking in the forest, I deliberately let her be two or three steps ahead of me just because I wanted to get a good look at her.Such miscellaneous and trivial memories filled my body and gripped my heart tightly.

November [-]

At night, a light brings us closer to each other.Under that lamp, we already had a tacit understanding not to speak to each other.I desperately wrote stories whose theme was the happiness of our lives.In the shadow of the lampshade, I could hardly be sure that Setsuko, who was lying quietly on the dark bed, was really there.Sometimes when I turned my head to look at her, I would meet Setsuko's eyes looking at me, as if she had been looking at me like that all along. "I'm happy to be by your side like this." She struggled to say this, looking at me with eyes full of love.

Ah, how it makes me believe in the happiness we now have.How helpful this would be to me in my struggle to make this happiness tangible!

November [-]

Winter is coming.The sky became wider and wider, and the mountains looked a lot closer.Above the mountains, it seems that there are only snow clouds that will never move, stagnating on the top of the mountains.In such an early morning, probably due to the disturbance of the snow, rare birds that are usually hard to see flew from the mountains, and the balconies were everywhere.After those snow clouds dissipated, one day or so, the top of the mountains was a little white.During this period of time, the tops of several mountains were conspicuously covered with residual snow.

I recalled a few years ago, with such a dream: in a similar winter, in a quiet mountain area, to live a life of two people with a lovely girl, far away from the world, deeply in love, and plunge into the reverie of love.I want to copy the infinite yearning for a better life that I have never lost since I was a child, without change, intact, and completely intact, into this terrifying and harsh nature for human beings.In order to achieve this goal, in any case, there must be a real cold winter and a quiet mountain area...

——At dawn, I quietly got up while the sick body of the girl was still asleep, ran out of the mountain hut, and rushed into the snow full of energy.The surrounding mountains were bathed in the rosy light of dawn.I got freshly squeezed goat milk from the farm next door and was almost frozen when I got back to the hut.Immediately, I added firewood to the stove by myself. After a while, the firewood crackled and the flame was burning vigorously.The sound made the girl wake up gradually.Although my hands were frozen at that time, I was still very happy and completely recorded our mountain life in this way...

This morning, I recalled this dream I had a few years ago, and the impossible, lithograph-like winter scene appeared before my eyes.From time to time, I consulted with myself and adjusted the position of the various styles of furniture in the log cabin.After a while, the dreamy background finally shattered and disappeared indistinctly.In front of my eyes, there are only slightly snow-covered mountains, bare trees, and cold air that have returned to reality from a dream...

Having eaten alone first, I moved the chair to the window, and I, caught up in that memory, suddenly turned to Setsuko.She finally finished her meal, and just stood up on the bed like this, staring blankly at the direction of the mountain with blurred eyes that always felt tired.I gazed at her with aching eyes at her uncharacteristically loose hair and haggard face.

"Is it because of my dream that brought you into this situation?" My heart was filled with emotions similar to regret.But the words were never uttered.I turned to the patient and said:

"Speaking of which, work has taken away my mind during this period of time. Even when I am around you like this, I have not thought about your affairs at all. Because of this, you have to say to yourself: I even I am working, and at the same time I will think more about your affairs. Then my mood will unknowingly improve. Compared with your affairs, my time is more wasted in those endless and boring dreams... "

Maybe because I noticed the look in my eyes when I said the above words, the patient on the bed did not smile at all, but stared at me with a serious expression.Recently, unconsciously, when encountering such a situation, we will spend a longer time than before, looking at each other as if we are getting closer. This has become our habit.

November [-]
In two or three days, my notes should be finished.If I keep writing about our life like this, I'm afraid it will never end.In order for it to have an end, I must write the end.Yet I am not yet willing to give any kind of closure to the life we ​​still go on.No, it should be said that it cannot be given any ending.Therefore, perhaps it is the most ideal to end with our current state.

Current status? …No matter what works I read now, I always think of a philosophical saying: "It is the memory of happiness that hinders happiness." At this moment, what we give to each other is slowly becoming very different from the happiness we once gave to each other.It is similar to the happiness I mentioned, but it is actually different, and it is the pain that holds my heartstrings even more.Such a true face has not yet been fully presented on the surface of our lives, but it has forced us to nowhere.Can I find the ending corresponding to our happy story?I don't know why, but I can't help but have a feeling that before I can clearly observe even one aspect of life, there is always something hostile to our happiness lurking...

Regarding these, I felt anxious and anxious, and while thinking about it, I turned off the light.When I passed by the sleeping patient, I stopped suddenly and looked at her slightly pale sleeping face in the dark.The slightly sunken eyes sometimes twitch like spasms.But I don't see what it is that threatens her.Could it be because of my own unspeakable insecurities that I thought she felt the same way?

November [-]
I have reread all the notes I have taken so far.My intention in doing this is to promote it to a level that satisfies me.

However, the difference is that when I continued to read the notes, I found that within myself, I was completely unable to appreciate our own "happiness" that constitutes the theme of the story.I began to feel that the unexpected, unsettling me had slipped away from the story itself.

"It's a story of us savoring the small, licensed pleasures of life, while remaining firmly convinced that we can make each other happy in our own way. At least that's all. I think my heart is bound .——But, is the goal we pursue too high or too far away? Furthermore, have I underestimated my desire for life too much? Therefore, is it because of this that my current spiritual shackles are about to burst? Woolen cloth?"

"Poor Setsuko..."

I let the notebook be thrown on the table and continued to meditate.

"My own desire to pretend to be careless was noticed by her in silence. But she deliberately didn't let me see her sympathy for me, so I was tortured mentally...why didn't I How can I completely hide this me from her? Why am I so weak..."

My eyes moved to the shadows beyond the lights.The sick man was lying on the bed with his eyes half-opened and half-closed from the very beginning.I felt like I couldn't breathe, so I left the light and walked slowly towards the balcony.

It was a night with a weak moonlight, and the outlines of mountains, hills, forests, etc. covered by clouds could only be vaguely seen.The other parts were almost completely melted into the hazy blue darkness.

But what I see in my eyes is not those scenes. I just hope that I can clearly reappear in my heart. At dusk in the early summer of unknown years, the two of them maintained our happiness forever with mournful sympathy until the last moment Mountains, hills, and forests that remain in memory without disappearing.Even we ourselves have become a part of it, blending into the scenery at that moment.These landscapes have been seen countless times before, and have become part of our existence unconsciously.Afterwards, it changed its appearance with the seasons, and in the passage of time, it became something that we can hardly see...

"The moment of happiness we have, as long as we have it, is it worth living together?" I asked myself this question.

There was a sudden sound of light footsteps behind me, it must be Setsuko.But I didn't turn around, I still stood motionless.She also didn't say a word, standing at a certain distance from me.I could clearly feel her in close proximity and feel her breathing.Occasionally, the cold wind would pass over the balcony silently, and the dead trees located somewhere in the distance made rustling sounds.

"What's on your mind?" Finally, she said.

I didn't answer immediately, but suddenly turned around and smiled in a coping manner. "You know that, right?" I asked back.

She looked at me cautiously as if she was afraid of some kind of trap.

"Naturally considering my work." I said slowly, "I can't think of a good ending anyway. I don't want to end with our mediocre and meaningless life. How about it? Come with me How about an ending?"

She gave me a smile, but there was a hint of uneasiness in that smile.

"But what exactly you wrote, I don't know," she whispered.

"That's true." I smiled copiously again and said, "Then, I will read it to you in the next few days. But it is still only a first draft, and it has not yet reached the level that can be read to people."

We go back to the room.I sat down by the lamp again, flipping through the notebook I left there casually.She just stood there behind me, with her hand lightly on my shoulder, looking over my shoulder at the notes.I turned my head suddenly and said in a dry voice, "You'd better go to bed early."

"En." She replied docilely, after a little hesitation, she let go of my shoulder and returned to the bed.

"I always feel like I can't fall asleep." Two or three minutes later, she lay on the bed, seemingly talking to herself.

"Then, how about I turn off the light? I'm fine too." As I said this, I turned off the light and got up to get close to her pillow.Then he sat on the edge of the bed and held her hand tightly.We remained like this, silent in the dark.

The wind was stronger than before, causing the surrounding forest to make noises, and it also blew on the buildings of the nursing home from time to time, blowing a certain window in an unknown location.Finally, the strong wind also passed the window of our room, making a lot of noise.She held my hand for a long time and didn't let go, as if she was afraid of the sound, and at the same time closed her eyes tightly, as if she was focusing on the inner function.After that, she slowly let go of her hand, and by the looks of it, she should have fallen asleep.

"So, this time it's my turn." I whispered, and I walked into my dark room in order to lull myself, who was as sleepless as she was, to sleep.

November 26

During this period, I often woke up with my eyes open at dawn.At that time, I would get up quietly and stare at the sleeping face of the patient without blinking.This has been done many times.The edge of the bed and the vase have gradually been stained with the golden light of the morning, but her face is always so pale. "What a poor man." This sentence seems to have become my mantra, and sometimes even though I say it, I don't realize it.

This morning, I woke up just before dawn again.After staring at the patient's sleeping face for a long time, he stood on tiptoe, left the ward, and came to the completely withered and bare forest behind the nursing home.Each tree has only two or three dead leaves, fighting against the cold wind.When I leave the empty forest, the sun, which has just moved from the top of Yatsugatake for a while, will stretch from south to west, and the stagnant clouds hanging low above the juxtaposed mountains will shine bright red. .However, the dawn has not been able to reach the ground. At this moment, the forests, fields, and wastelands withered in winter between the mountains look as if they have been completely abandoned.

When I was walking among the dead woods, I would stop occasionally, but the cold made me walk again, wandering around in that place.There was no clue in his head, and he was thinking about it blankly.Inadvertently, I looked up at the sky, only to see that the sky had lost its brilliance at some point and was being completely covered by dark clouds.As soon as I noticed that the sky was changing, I lost interest immediately. Until just now, I was looking forward to the beautiful glow like a flame shining on the earth, but now I have no hope of seeing it.So I hurried back to the nursing home.

Setsuko woke up with her eyes open.But even seeing me as I had just returned was only a melancholy glance in my direction.Her face was paler than when she was asleep just now.I moved closer to the pillow, stroked her hair, and made a gesture of kissing her forehead.She shook her head weakly, and I remained silent, looking at her sadly.And she didn't seem to want to see me, no, it should be because she didn't want to see my sadness, so she looked at the sky with empty eyes.

(End of this chapter)