If you are still together when you wake up

Chapter 19 Xuan

In the midst of firecracker wreckage and sulfurous nitrous gas all over the floor, Su Ruhao drove Xia Huixi to the Hilton Hotel in this city. This time, the consultation was held in the hotel, which can be regarded as a guarantee between each other that it will not happen again The accident of last time.

When Xia Huixi stepped into the executive suite, it was still Assistant Zhang who opened the door for her.

This year's Spring Festival is a rare good weather, the curtains in the suite were opened, Pei Yueze put the notebook aside, stood up and said to her: "Have you received the flowers?"

His complexion looked much better than before, and his brows were not as cold as before. With a slight smile, he opened the chair for her again: "Sit."

Xia Huixi put his coat on the sofa and asked him, "How was the New Year?"

She noticed that the floral decorations in this suite were also irises, arranged in a patchwork manner, making the crystal vase extremely elegant and clean.His gaze couldn't help but stay for a few more seconds until he heard Pei Yueze's faint words: "New Year is no different to me from usual."

It was extraordinarily deserted, and even the sunlight in the room suddenly lost its warmth and light, and it was so pale that it hurt people's eyes.

Xia Huixi was silent for a while, and suddenly remembered that before she met Su Ruhao, she was also like this, spending the Spring Festival alone, the only difference was that the usually lively campus suddenly became deserted, and she was nestled in the dormitory, holding snacks and watching bored TV series, the sensory loss is particularly obvious.

Now Su Ruhao is by his side.When the Spring Festival Gala saw the early hours of the morning, he was forced to make sugar rice cakes amidst the deafening sound of firecrackers, and then the two of them ate a pot of fried glutinous rice until their mouths were full of oil.Or spend a whole afternoon making dumplings, the bright and tidy floor is finally covered with a layer of white flour, and then put batches of finished products into the empty refrigerator. Scoop a few in the pot to fill your stomach.Thinking about it this way, I suddenly feel happy from the bottom of my heart.

He observed her expression very carefully, and finally said softly: "What are you going to do today?"

Xia Huixi pondered for a moment, then spit out two words: "Meditation."

Pei Yueze frowned, slightly puzzled: "Meditation?"

"You just need to relax. Follow my instructions, and some scenes will appear in your mind, which may be things in the past, or things you are looking forward to-I promise you, it will be very easy, and it will be quite easy when you finish it." comfortable." She paused, "Besides, you don't need to tell me the scenes you thought of. I have no intention of prying into your privacy."

The texture of the sofa is very soft, and it is a bright yellow color that is pleasing to the eye.He lay there on his side, his body stretched out, like a fish, and like a plant in water, fresh and beautiful, with a sense of beauty beyond the dust.

Xia Huixi sat opposite him, leaning forward, looking at his face intently.His cheeks sunken slightly, he was clear and handsome, a strand of black hair fell on the side of his eyebrows, touching with the extremely long eyelashes, trembling slightly with his breathing.As long as you close your eyes and cover up that sometimes indifferent and sometimes unruly gaze, he will show his innocent posture like a child.

A few minutes later, Xia Huixi stood up slowly, squatted in front of him, gently stroked his forehead with slightly cool fingers, brushed away those messy hair, and said softly, "Did you see it? Did you see her?"

His lips were tightly pursed, as if a line of ink had been flicked, straight and sharp.However, after a while, it seemed to be melted away by her gentle little hands, and the arc gradually slowed down, until finally, she completely relaxed.

Xia Huixi tried hard to guess what he saw, put his left hand on his forehead, and relaxed slightly.However, Pei Yueze, who was in the stage of dissociated consciousness, suddenly sensed this, and reached out to firmly grasp her wrist, preventing her from leaving.

The pain in the wrist bone was severe, but she held it back very patiently, with a soft voice, and said over and over again: "I won't go. Don't be nervous. Have you seen two worlds? One real self and one copied self , are all there..."

It was like the crooning of a poet, and it was faintly like the low light of fireflies, which was soft and would not sting people's senses... She tried her best to let this feeling pass from her body until his tension was relieved...

Pei Yueze stood there, like a dream but not a dream.

When the light rain is hazy, the late spring is entangled with the early summer, a large area of ​​irises blooms, countless butterflies flutter in sight, and the thick smell of fresh grass envelopes the field.

She came up from behind carefully, and when he lowered his head, he saw her feet, white and soft little toes stepping on a pair of red sandals, like pearls.He froze for a second, then forced himself to look up.

She was wearing a short-sleeved cotton T-shirt, which was a bit thin, and her bare arms were slender and smooth, as if it was the best silk, and the color seemed to be a thick fish soup that had been boiled for a long time, milky white and attractive.

Even the reserved and proud young man still lingers on the young girl's body.

Because of her development, her breasts made the folded fabric on her chest have a shallow curvature. The light rain soaked into the fabric, and her shoulder straps were looming, which made him curious. Under such cover, the girl is beautiful and green. What would a rough body look like?

Perhaps it was because of these thoughts that her face was a little red, so she anxiously touched his forehead with her palm, and said softly, "Are you...have a fever again?"

Her arm was obviously very cold, but to me at this moment, it was nothing more than a soldering iron, which made her whole body start to feel hot.Such panic made him feel at a loss, so he waved his hand and slammed her away, watching her take a few steps back, staggering and falling to the ground.

The piece of iris was pressed down by the slender body, and the flower juice may still be stained on her white clothing, blurring out irregular patterns of different shades, like tie-dye, or splashed ink.She half-raised her body, looking at the scraped knees and wrist joints, she only dared to shed tears timidly and silently.

In the end, I still walked over, leaned over and hugged her, with the girlish scent of frankincense, and her slender and soft body, burrowing into my heart little by little.And that patch of scratched and tender skin, scarlet blood streaks, brown soil, and white complexion all mixed together, shocking.

He frowned and looked at the wound, and looked at her biting snow-white lips, he could only use all his energy to control himself, not to imagine how it would feel if he bent down to kiss lightly at this moment.

He watched them pass by - just stood far away, watching the tall and handsome young man, holding a girl in his arms, walking through the blue irises.

Their white clothes are fluttering, blooming in the sea of ​​irises, pure and flawless.

……

When the fog lifted, he returned to the old mountain house.At first, it was only because she loved ancient gardens and even learned about them that he bought this house at all costs.

That day was sunny, and he watched her running back and forth between the corridor and the courtyard from afar, excitedly, like a little animal.With the cheers and joy at that time, how could she have imagined that just a few months later, this house would be like a prison for her.He imprisoned her here, like an ancient emperor, cold and domineering, only letting her belong to him.

He left behind the complicated affairs, devoted himself to being with her day by day.And she was always sitting there with her eyelashes drooping slightly, like two small, withered rose petals, with a dull tone and no bright breath anymore.

The hugs and intimacy he once had had melted away like snowflakes, and he could no longer find the warmth he longed for from such a beautiful young girl's body.

……

Xia Huixi looked at his fists, which were clenched tighter and tighter by his side, and because of his clenched teeth, his cheeks became more and more sunken, showing a faint hideousness.She didn't know what he remembered again, so she suddenly tensed up again, and could only stroke his brows over and over again, calling his name softly.

In the dream, Axuan's face seemed to be the drop of ice crystals attached to her fingertips, which was slowly melting. He knew that he was losing her, so even the strength to call was taken away in an instant... Then, miraculously, It was as if some power was re-integrating and hovering around him again, with a faint brilliance flowing.

He saw the face of another girl, as if reborn in a mirror, raised his chin slightly to himself, and smiled quietly.Just like what I am familiar with, neither humble nor overbearing, with a restrained look and clear eyes.

How could it be her?
Since when did the outline and silhouette she gave herself become so clear?

Xia Huixi watched him open his eyes from unconscious meditation, not like ordinary people who often have a moment of trance and confusion, but Qing Lingling looked at her, as if re-examining a stranger.

She quickly took away her hand on his forehead, stepped back, sat cross-legged on the ground casually, and asked him with a smile: "How is it?"

Under the dark handsome eyebrows, Pei Yueze's eyes flickered slightly, he looked at her for a long time calmly, and said lightly: "I saw her, and myself..."

Xia Huixi held her chin thoughtfully, nodded, and said slowly, "Well, it's normal."

He sat up from the sofa, leaned back lazily, looked up at the chandelier on the ceiling, and said leisurely:
"And you."

Xia Huixi stared at him blankly, and seemed to recover from the shock after a long time, and forced a smile: "This is also normal. Mr. Pei, according to what you said, you once projected your feelings on me. The body of me. I am in meditation, maybe my face is blurred?"

The corners of Pei Yueze's lips twitched slightly, and he didn't go into details, as if he accepted her statement.

"That you...I mean the subconscious you, is there any difference from now?"

He looked at her, his eyes fell on her fair neck from top to bottom, where the jumping sunlight and soft black hair were intertwined, making the goose-yellow sweater extra fresh and tender.

He pondered for a moment: "It's not the same."

"Have you noticed...a disconnect between you and that person? For example, I guess, you were in love at the time, and you don't remember anything about it."

Pei Yueze was stunned for a moment, and repeated in a low voice: "Falling in love...yes...our relationship was very good at that time, and it didn't reach the point later..."

"So, what reminded you to come out of that world?"

Xu is not used to saying these words to her, Pei Yueze looked away, "In the end, those pictures disappeared, and I fully realized that I was meditating. Because suddenly I saw..."

He swallowed a word and didn't say any more.And her sharp eyes lit up, and she didn't ask any more questions.

"No matter what I saw that woke you up, I want to tell you... that lady is no longer here. Mr. Pei, if you think of her again, just think about the scene you saw today. You have to remind yourself of this reality Indulging in the past... is actually not a good thing." Xia Huixi's voice gradually became lower, as if thinking of something, she smiled warmly, "It's actually very simple, you can try it."

She looked down at the time: "ah, so soon, it's time. So, shall we make an appointment next time?"

Pei Yueze watched her stand up, picked up her coat and bag, and smiled back at him happily: "Happy New Year."

He didn't know why in an instant, his mood became a little bad again. Seeing her walking to the door, he suddenly became uncontrollable and stopped her.

His voice was low: "At that time, I couldn't help but want to kiss her, and I wanted to see her body under her clothes..."

Xia Huixi stopped there with a surprised expression. She quickly turned around and listened to him continue.

"She was very young at the time... I was older and I was full of thoughts like that and it made me feel uncomfortable and awkward. You know, I never force her, but her body is warm , and so soft..."

He didn't know why he wanted to tell her these most intimate thoughts, but he suppressed those thoughts for so long that when someone touched them a little bit, the huge urge to tell them would overwhelm him in an instant .

"It doesn't really matter. Freud believed that sex is the source of all libido. You thought that way at that time, there is really nothing weird about it." Xia Huixi turned back again, patiently explaining to him, "You Just remember that those memories are all in the past, and the reason why they are unforgettable is because you haven't let go of this complex. Our treatment can take your time, and those emotions you suppress can also be dissolved. Nothing It cannot be crossed.”

He frowned, and after a long time, he said, "Thank you, you are willing to listen to me."

She sat with him for a while, chatted something else, and then said with a smile: "I really have to go. My boyfriend is still waiting for me in the lobby."

The sound of closing the door sounded behind him, and after confirming that she had left, Pei Yueze stood up and stood on the terrace looking into the distance.

In the noisy city and the uneasy past, his soul seems to have been trembling in the darkest place.And at that moment when his heart was like still water, what he thought was out of reach, unexpectedly...found it just now.

In the lobby, Xia Huixi habitually looked towards the lobby bar.Su Ruhao was sitting near the corridor, focusing on a magazine in his hand.The room temperature was right, he was only wearing a shirt, leaning against him very relaxedly, as if he was enjoying watching, and she didn't even notice when she crept around behind him.

She sat down beside him, and took the cup of black tea on the table and downed it in one gulp.Su Ruhao put the magazine aside, and said to the waiter, "Please have a glass of lemonade."

The crushed lemon pulp gave off a sour taste between her lips and teeth. After she drank the last sip of water, Su Ruhao said slowly: "How many words have you talked? Are you so thirsty?"

"I didn't say much. It's just that the temperature of the air conditioner is too high, and I feel like I'm dehydrated." She put the cup back on the table, poured the big cup of cold water, and blushed on her cheeks, "I'm a little tired. Let's go later."

For a psychiatrist, on the one hand, it is necessary to go deep into the inner world of the counselor without reservation and fully accept the other party's emotions; It's not easy.

Su Ruhao stared at her for a while, stretched out his hand, and gently rubbed her temples, and asked gently, "What's wrong? Didn't go well?"

Xia Huixi shook her head subconsciously, glanced at him, and finally stopped talking.

He didn't rush her either, he just massaged her patiently, and after a long time, he said: "Go back. If you're tired, take a good night's sleep."

She didn't stand up with him, closed her eyes, and spoke very softly: "Su Ruhao, have you ever had such an experience...Some things, some people, seem to be true, but you don't know where they feel No...it always feels illusory...too illusory to make people doubt..."

He leaned down to touch her forehead, half-jokingly: "What are you talking about? The Matrix?"

She took his hand away, held it back, and looked at him intently for a long time: "I'm not joking. It's like you..."

Su Ruhao's black jade-like eyes suddenly moved slightly, and his face and lips were unconsciously tightened, and he said in a cold voice: "What's wrong with me? Isn't this nonsense? I'm by your side, how could it be true?" Imaginary?"

Maybe his sudden reaction caught her off guard, Xia Huixi said slowly after a while, "I just want to say, you are by my side, it makes me feel so wonderful...it's not real... "

He froze for a moment, his expression gradually softened, his irritability and displeasure gradually faded, and he smiled slightly: "How could it not be true? I will always be by your side and will never leave."

Xia Huixi grabbed his hand, stood up with that strength, and deliberately suppressed a smile: "Then why were you nervous just now? Did you hide something from me? Tell me now while I'm in a good mood, or... Huh !"

A trace of hesitation slipped across Su Ruhao's expression, and then he smiled nonchalantly: "If I really hide something from you, what will you do?"

"Well, it depends on the seriousness of the plot..." Her eyes rolled and shone brightly, "If it's a previous romantic affair, I don't care if you have changed your ways; if it's murder and arson... I'll think about it..."

It was rare for him to be serious, he stopped, grabbed her hand and asked, "What will happen to you?"

Xia Huixi reminded him "hey": "You broke your finger!"

After a while, she pursed her lips and said with a smile: "I also admit murder and arson, let's stay with you..."

As soon as the seven days at the beginning of the year passed, the holiday immediately seemed much shorter.Xia Huixi had to cheer up in the last few days and began to complete the tasks assigned by her instructor.And her plan to move back to her dormitory in the last two days of the holiday caused a rare cold war between the two.

Su Ruhao didn't speak for a whole afternoon, watching her pack her things, she suddenly said sullenly: "I won't send you back, if you want to leave, you have to figure out your own way."

She didn't even look back: "Okay, then I'll take a taxi myself."

He hummed heavily, and strode up to her: "What's wrong with living here? Will I eat you or what? Tell me, you've lived here for almost a month, have I touched you?" ?”

This passage was spoken so fluently that I think I have been resentful for a long time.Xia Huixi couldn't help it, and laughed out loud.

Finally, on the way to send her back, he still didn't look at her directly, but just carried her luggage and strode ahead.

No one lived in the dormitory for nearly a month, and there was a faint smell of dust. Xia Huixi opened the window, and students began to walk on the boulevards of Nantah University one after another.

She was about to turn around, but someone hugged her body from behind. His voice sounded low, as if unwilling and helpless: "I don't want to go back, what should I do?"

She wanted to make a joke, but when the words came to her lips, she swallowed them again.Xu Shi was greedy for the warmth of this embrace, she leaned on it softly, stretched out her hands to cover the hands around her waist, and explained in a low voice: "It's more convenient for me to live here after all."

At the beginning of the new semester, Xia Huixi no longer served as a teacher, and was a team member in a psychological research project sponsored by the national scientific research fund led by Peng Ze, responsible for the data collection and analysis of some psychological experiments.As usual, she still had to make a summary and value assessment of the predecessors' materials. She almost went through all the files in the reference room, and occasionally encountered former students in the reference room. She was a little embarrassed to hear those young people asking about : "Mr. Xia, why don't you have any classes this semester?"

It's hard to say anything, I can only vaguely deal with the past, and only say that it is for research needs.

There are also students who stop greeting her when they see her, and sometimes she can read some complicated thoughts from the faces of such young people, such as blinking eyes and evasive eyes—this made her feel that Professor Peng no longer let her The decision to continue with the class was the right one.After all, she couldn't explain that to everyone.

For the dead, no matter what happened during the lifetime, only silence is the only respect.

"The ego is a bit of consciousness floating on an ocean of dark things."

Xia Huixi stared at this sentence for a long time, savoring it carefully, and always felt that it was extremely mysterious.She pulled out from the pile of data, and had time to read a few books on psychology, without memorizing or extracting, without asking for a deep understanding, she just felt infinitely relaxed.The eyes were sore from looking at it all the time, and the phone at hand finally woke me up.

It's Teacher Wang from the reference room: "Mr. Xia, the materials you asked for last time are already here. But now that the semester is starting, many new books are being sorted out. If you are free, come and look for them yourself."

Xia Huixi said "Oh": "Okay, I will come over in the afternoon. Please."

In order to write a thesis, she wanted to find several experimental reports from a few years ago. She squatted in the reference room for a long time a few days ago, because some years were borrowed by others, and the information was always incomplete.Until today, there was a call from the other side, asking her to go and have a look.

The reference room was indeed a mess, with new books and periodicals piled up all over the floor, and the teacher and several assistant students were checking the bibliographies.

Teacher Wang gave her a small key, and said, "It's in the room on the left. Those materials were just delivered by your institute. Go and see for yourself."

There is a fluorescent lamp on the top of the small room. Xia Huixi pressed the switch. The quality of the lamp is not very good. It flickers and flickers, and the eyes feel a little uncomfortable. Coded by year, it is the year I want to check.

She squatted down, opened the carton, and slid her fingertips over the files, and was very satisfied to find the data report she wanted.Just as she was about to stand up, she suddenly saw a corner of a portfolio in another carton, which must have not been stuffed properly—the little bit of perfectionism in her temperament was revealed, and she couldn't help turning around, wanting to pull it out again. Stack neatly.

Quite a coincidence, it was the information that Professor Peng gave me that time.One of the codes was missing, and the other party didn't notice it when it was returned, and the codes were put together, and they probably inserted it in casually.

By coincidence, she took out the next copy and flipped through the pages with great interest.These are the supplementary materials of that document, all of which are original materials, and at a simple glance, they are some materials of the subjects who participated in that experiment at that time.

The value is not great. Apparently Peng Ze thought so at the time, so he only reported the essence of the experiment to himself.

When she turned to number seventeen, Xia Huixi felt guilty again when she thought of the page she had lost.She rubbed her eyes, glanced at it casually, and was about to put it back in place.

However, with just one glance, she was stunned—the outside world, light and darkness, movement and movement, all disappeared in an instant.In her line of sight, there are all strokes, slender handwriting, and simple self-narration.

After struggling in vain for a long time, the fluorescent lamp finally went dark with a buzzing sound.

In the dark, the senses are unusually sensitive and clear, and one can smell the smell of scrolls, even with the dehumidifying air conditioner turned on, it still makes people feel a little damp.At the end of her line of sight, there was pitch blackness, but it was a piece of paper with black characters on a white background, those beautiful small characters were like dancing elves, vividly remembered.

A student walked by, with pattering footsteps and a strange sense of rhythm, Xia Huixi heard someone at the door saying: "Is there anyone in this room? Why is the door ajar?"

Immediately someone said: "No, right? The lights are not on..."

The sound gradually faded away, and no one came in to bother her—she let go of her heart, and sat down on the ground, leaning on the bookshelf, holding the piece of paper in her hand, and the chill rose up little by little.

For a moment, she remembered many things, many clues, and many fragments.

Finally, at this moment—the clues are connected, the fragments are pieced together, and the incident is restored.

Those vague uneasiness and anxiety found the answer.

A few days ago, she was still secretly thinking about how Pei Yueze felt for herself.Intuitively, she knew that he was not lying to herself.His expressions, his narration, and his emotions all show that he is in that story and cannot extricate himself.

And she is the only object he confides in, and she has been keeping calm on the sidelines: Those strong emotions, shocking images, and even the ubiquitous irises reveal his restraint and forbearance, and also reveal that he is in a certain way. Divide in degree - the split between the past and the present.

With regard to his state of mind, she did not think the timing was right, so she did not directly tell him the fact that there was a potential split.During the consultation process, I just used methods such as meditation to try to mobilize his positive imagination and overcome his existing cracks.

But in fact, when the last consultation was over, she came out of the hotel feeling extremely uneasy.

The scenes described by Pei Yueze are not like memories, they are almost illusory.She restored those images in her mind - flowers, girls, boys, kisses, love - until now, she finally fully understood what these represent.

Thinking of the phone ringing suddenly in the dark, Xia Huixi's body trembled, and he completely recovered from his reverie. Looking at the string of numbers flashing in the dark, his heart was complicated and inexplicable.

Talking to him again, even on the phone, still made her feel a little uneasy.

Pei Yueze was in a rare spring breeze, and he could tell that he was in a great mood.

"Tomorrow afternoon?" Xia Huixi nodded, "I have no problem."

"Can you tell me first, what will be the content of tomorrow afternoon? Or meditation?"

"It seems that you don't reject meditation..." Xia Huixi said lightly, "Do you feel comfortable?"

He didn't deny it, and gave a low laugh.

"Okay, then we'll see you tomorrow."

She suddenly didn't want to continue talking, hung up the phone in a hurry, and by the bright light of the mobile phone, she saw the small name on the file again: "Xuan".

(End of this chapter)