If You Give Me Three Days of Light: The Best Collection of Helen Keller

Chapter 9 My Life (7)
I lay in bed that night, crying, and I hoped that no other child would suffer like I did.I was chilled and thought I would die before daylight, and there was some relief in the thought.I figured that if something like this happened to me when I was growing up, my soul would be broken beyond repair.But luckily this happened when I was little, so sooner or later the angel of oblivion will gather up all the sorrows of earlier painful years and wipe them out of my memory

Teacher Sullivan never knew there was such a book, nor had she heard of the story of "Snow Fairy".But she investigated the matter carefully with the help of Dr. Alexander Graham Bell, and at last she had some clues.Originally Mrs. Hopkins had a copy of Miss Kenby's Brady and Friends. I spent the summer with her in Brewster in 1888, when Mrs. Sullivan was away on vacation, and Mrs. Hopkins read to me all kinds of books to amuse me, but she has now remembered Don't know if I read the Snow Fairy story in Brady and Friends, and she can't find that book now, because she gave the house we used to live to Sold, and in selling the house, she dealt with a ream of teenage books, old textbooks and fairy tales, Brady and Friends likely being among them.

To me, the stories didn't make much of an impression at the time, but the odd spellings were enough to keep a kid who didn't have any fun entertaining for a while.Although I can't remember any plot related to those stories, I can't forget the hard process of learning words.After the teacher returned from vacation, I immediately asked the teacher to explain those unfamiliar words to me.But that doesn't include the words from the "Snow Fairy" story.

Maybe someone actually read Miss Canby's story to me once, and these memories are only temporary forgetting, and they come back quickly when I need them.I think these languages ​​have left an indelible imprint on my mind and eventually became part of my thinking, but I have never paid attention to this problem.

During those painful days, I received care and love from many people, and all my friends extended a helping hand to me and pulled me up from the trough.Miss Kenby wrote to comfort me herself: "One day, you will also use your own mind to write a great story. It will comfort many people and benefit many people."

Notwithstanding Miss Canby's statement, the prophecy never came true, for since then I have dared not play games of rhetoric for mere amusement.I was plagued by fear that what I wrote was not my own.For a long time, even when I was writing to my mother, I felt very nervous.I would spell sentences over and over to make sure I hadn't read them in a book.If Teacher Sullivan hadn't encouraged me all the time, I don't think I could even combine those words into sentences.

Later, I read "The Snow Fairy" again, and looked at the letters I wrote when I was writing "The Ice King", and the result was a letter dated September 1891, 9, addressed to Mr. Ananos The letter found evidence, the wording and viewpoints in this letter are indeed very similar to the language of "Snow Fairy".Of course, these languages ​​are words and sentences that can represent my own thoughts after I have mastered them.For example, I describe the golden leaves in autumn that my teacher said: "Yes, they are beautiful enough to appease our nostalgia for the lost summer." This is actually one of Miss Canby's stories. View.

This habit of being deeply assimilated by the surrounding things is something I am very accustomed to and like, and I have revealed the influence of assimilation factors in my early correspondence and initial writing.I have written in my articles about the ancient cities of Greece and Italy, and I have borrowed colorful and vivid descriptions from which books I no longer remember.

Because I know that Mr. Ananos has a soft spot for the ruins of ancient Greece and Rome, and he admires the ancient civilizations created by them.So I collected relevant poetry and history from all the books I had read, and later, Mr. Ananos praised my article on the ancient city as "poetically reproducing its inner quality".

Although I don't understand why he believes that an 11-year-old blind and deaf child's words and sentences are so advanced.But it made me recognize myself. I don't think I have the ability to create, because I can't create my own opinions, so my articles will inevitably be empty and boring.But one thing I must affirm to myself is that I can use clear and vivid language to comment on poetic thoughts and describe beautiful things.

Those articles were my early intellectual training sessions.Like all inexperienced young people, I translated it into my own thoughts and words by assimilation and imitation.Anything in the book that interests me, whether intentional or not, stays in my mind.

A young writer Stevenson once said that he was always driven by instinct to reproduce the most admirable sublime ideas to the best of his ability, and he would amazingly transform this sublime into kaleidoscopic text effect.That is to say, even a great person can gather an army of words to attack every thought path only after years of continuous training.

Maybe until now, I still haven't finished this journey.Because I can't tell from my thoughts which are my own thoughts and which are what I read from books.And in fact, what I've read has become my food for thought, it's become part of me.So, in almost all the articles I write, what I create is something like the colorful patchwork clothes I sewed when I first learned about women's reds.The patchwork was made of all sorts of rags, and although there were fine silks and velvets, the patchwork was never satisfactory.Similarly, my articles also have my own vulgar opinions, but there are also insights from some literary masters.

In my opinion, the biggest difficulty in writing is that we have to use rational language to express immature emotions, naive concepts and our own chaotic thoughts.It is as complicated as putting together Chinese Tangram and Nine Links.We have a picture in our mind that we want to express in words, but often times the words don't fit the picture, or the words don't fit the picture.Nevertheless, we still persevere and try hard, because we know that others have succeeded, and we have seen hope from this. How can we easily admit defeat?

Maybe one day my own thoughts and life experiences will come to the fore.With this belief, I am full of confidence, persevere, and try not to let the painful memory of "The Frozen King" become an obstacle on my way of learning.

But from another point of view, this miserable experience is not a bad thing. It made me think more deeply about the problems exposed in the composition.My only regret is that I have thus lost the friendship of Mr. Ananos, who was once my dearest friend.

When "My Life" appeared in the Ladies' Home Journal, Mr. Ananos made a statement, referring to the "Frozen King" incident in a letter to Mr. Macy.He believed me innocent, and according to him, the investigation team consisted of eight members, including four blind and four normal.Four of them believed that I had read Miss Canby's story, while the other four did not support this view.Mr. Ananos said that as a member of the investigation team, he voted for me.

In fact, no matter what the outcome of this incident is, and no matter which side Mr. Ananos voted for, it is no longer important. I remember that at that time, he had already noticed that someone was suspicious of me, and I also felt that there was a wave of suspicion around me. There was a certain sinister atmosphere of hostility, and subsequent events finally confirmed this ominous foreboding.In the past, whenever I walked into his office, he would play with me on his lap and make me forget about all my troubles.But after this incident, he never did this to me again.

I believe that Mr. Ananos has always believed in Mr. Sullivan and me during the whole two years.But why his position was obviously deflected later, I don't know.Likewise, I don't know the exact details of the investigation, and I don't even know the names of the "jury" members, nor did they ever speak to me.At the time, I was too emotional to think about other things, and I was too terrified to protest.By now, I can hardly remember anything I said, or anyone else said to me.

The reason why I describe the ins and outs of the "Ice King" incident in such detail is because it is very meaningful in the process of my education.I hope that I will not be misunderstood again. If there are similar misunderstandings in the future, I will clarify the facts calmly, neither justifying nor complaining.

visit the world's fair

After the events of The Frozen King, I spent the summer and winter of that year in Alabama with my family.It feels so good to go home, it makes me forget the unhappiness before, and the incident of "The Frozen King" passed away quickly like a passing cloud.

In autumn, the earth is covered with crimson and golden-yellow foliage.Musky vines shade the gazebo at the end of the garden.Bunches of grapes turn a beautiful reddish-brown in the sun.It has been more than a year since I wrote "The Snow King" when I started to outline my life with a pen.

But the horrific experience left an indelible mark on me, and I am still cautiously skeptical of anything I write.I am very afraid that what I write is not entirely my own. This kind of neurotic and weird psychology has been tormenting me, and it is hard for me to let go.Except Mr. Sullivan, no one knows my inner psychology.

It often happened in the course of my conversations with my teacher that whenever an idea occurred to me, I would spell out to her the sentence: "I'm not sure it's mine." , when I write a certain text in the middle, I will say to myself: "The things you wrote may have been written before!"

This lingering dread grips my hands, and every time I think about it, I won't be able to write anything for a day.Until now, I often feel such anxiety and anxiety.

Teacher Sullivan tried every means to help me out of the predicament. In order to rebuild my self-confidence, the teacher persuaded me to write a short and concise life autobiography for "Friends of Youth".I was 12 years old that year. Looking back, the process of writing that short story also experienced some inner struggles, but I think I must have foreseen that I would benefit from this writing, otherwise I would not write it out.

Although I was still a little apprehensive when I wrote, Teacher Sullivan told me that if I persevere, I will definitely find my spiritual foothold again and regain my writing talent, so I persisted in writing unrelentingly.

Before, I was ignorant and ignorant like a child, but after the "Frozen King" incident, I became restrained and looked at things more deeply.Gradually, I came out from the shadow of this incident, and faced the true meaning of life, I passed the rigorous test. After the test, my mind became clearer, and I had a deeper understanding and understanding of life .

In 1893, the main event in my life was the trip to Washington during the inauguration in Cleveland, when we visited Niagara Falls and the World's Fair.

I still remember when I stood on the edge of the American Falls and felt the vibration of the air and the trembling of the earth, I was so excited that I can't express it in simple words.

Many people don't understand how I was moved by the majestic beauty of Niagara Falls.They always ask me: "What does its beauty and its sound mean to you? You can't see the waves crashing on the shore, and you can't hear the roar of the huge waves." Actually, I think the most obvious feeling is that it represents everything.Indeed, I can't fully understand its meaning and explain it clearly in words, but it is like fraternity, religion and benevolence, none of us can express it completely accurately, but we can appreciate the meaning, which is not It can be said clearly in one or two sentences.

In 1893, Teacher Sullivan and I visited the World Expo with Dr. Bell.I still remember that happy time, when a thousand innocent imaginations became beautiful reality.Every day I travel around the world in my imagination, and I have seen many wonders in the world - great inventions, amazing industrial technologies, and colorful human life - I touch every exhibit with my fingers, and touch these hardworking and intelligent human beings of crystallization.

My favorite place is the International Pavilion of the expo, which is full of all kinds of whimsical ideas like the Arabian Nights.I can feel the Indian style described in the book, the strange bazaar is full of statues of "Shiva" and "Elephant God", as well as the pyramids and the landscape model of Cairo City, the mosque and the long-distance camel caravan run through it, and then A little further on are the waterways of Venice, where we sailed nightly between the illuminated city and its fountains.

I was still outside the miniature city, and boarded a Viking ship. I had boarded a ship before when I was in Boston, but I liked this pirate ship better. I watched Viking with great interest. How the sailors of the ship set sail and face the storm calmly.Their cries echoed in the ears of the people: "We belong to the sea!" Their weapons against the sea were flexible minds and strong physical strength; Under the stupid mechanical civilization, they are like the old saying "A man should only do what a man should do."

There is also a replica sailing ship "Santa Maria" next to the pirate ship. The "captain" showed me the cabin where Columbus lived. Among them, an hourglass on the table left a deep impression on me.This small instrument reminds me of the great test that this great navigator endured. In a state of physical and mental exhaustion, he had to watch the sand drop by drop and fight tenaciously against the despair in his heart.

The chairman of the fair, Mr. Higgin Bowham, was an easy-going man who allowed me to touch the exhibits at will.So, like the insatiable Pizarro robbing Peru's treasures, I "absorbed" all the essence of the exposition with my fingers.It was a bit of a tactile kaleidoscope, and everything was so new to me, especially the French bronze statues.These lifelike statues are like reproduced angels. I think the artists must have really captured an angel and molded these statues in his image.

I learned a lot about the diamond mining process in the "Cape of Good Hope" exhibit.Whenever possible, I touch the machine in action so that I can get a better sense of how heavy the ore is, how it was cut and polished.I also personally fumbled in the cleaning tank for a diamond that I was told was the only real diamond exhibited in the US.

Dr Bell has been with us on all the places and he kept describing to me the most interesting exhibits.At the Electronics Building, we experimented with the telephone, the walkie-talkie, the phonograph, and other inventions.Dr. Bell made me understand how information breaks through the fetters of space and time and spreads on wires, which is as great as Prometheus bringing fire to the world.

We also visited the anthropology exhibition area. In this exhibition area, what interests me the most is the ancient Mexican cultural relics. The rough stone tools are the only records left in that era, and they are also the crude relics of the childhood of uncivilized humans (this is How I feel when I touch it with my finger).The merit books of generations of kings and sages fell apart in the dust of history, and were buried in the dust of death in Egyptian mummies, but some relics still survived to the present.Through the touch of these relics, I learned more about the entire evolution process of human civilization, which I couldn't comprehend just relying on other people's explanations and readings.

The mere three weeks I spent at the expo brought my vocabulary to a whole new level never before possible, and I went from being a kid obsessed with fairy tales and toys to a caring person who loves the real world and the mundane.

Latin learning

By October, 1893, I had taught myself a great deal, off and on.I read Greek, Roman and American history.I have a French grammar book in Braille and have learned some simple French.For my own amusement, I often do little exercises in silence in my head.I make sentences out of new words that come to mind and pay little attention to grammar rules and other technicalities.I also found explanations of the pronunciation of all the letters and syllables in this book, so I even tried to master French pronunciation on my own without help.

(End of this chapter)