animal ferocious

Chapter 1 Ferocious Animals
I envy those children from the countryside. They always have a hometown with endless aftertaste in their memory. Although this hometown may actually be a poor, desolate and poetic remote place, as long as they are willing, they can imagine what they have lost. Some things are still reliably stored in that ignorant hometown, so as to forgive and comfort myself.

I left my birthplace at a very young age and came to this big city. I have never left since. I regard this city as my hometown.Everything in this city is changing rapidly—the houses, the streets, the way people dress and talk, and today it's completely transformed into a new, hip city by our standards.

There are no remains, everything has been stripped clean.

After I turned 30, I lived the decent life I had long wanted.My hard work has paid off.I have created a clear image in front of people, this image fascinates and marvels even myself, whether people like it or hate it, it is in my arms.If it was more or less a natural image at the beginning, then in the process of finally establishing it, I was swayed by many complicated emotions.I can ignore the outbursts of haters and become more stubborn and secretly happy, but I can't live up to the expectations and encouragements of lovers, just like water turns into beer and finally turns into vinegar.

I guess I should be honest.

Her face changed so drastically that I was completely indifferent when I saw her.That day I went to the train station to see off a close relative, and when I was waiting to enter the station in the soft-seat waiting room, my eyes met hers.She was sitting on a row of sofas diagonally opposite her, and her eyes followed a little girl who was running around on the ground playing alone. The little girl ran to the suitcase in front of my feet, so we met.

She rested her cheek on her hand and put her five fingers together, almost covering her mouth and nose. Her cheeks were as thin as olives, and there were many folds around her eyes, the white folds like paper flowers.

Purely due to the monotony of the scene in the field of vision, the moving little girl produced an irresistible traction, and my eyes fell on her face again, and I found that the look she had just stared at me was still continuing.

It was the probing gaze.

The little girl ran up to her and spoke in a coquettish voice, and her replies were almost inaudible, distorted by the imitation of a child's intonation.She lowered her hands covering her face, and I looked away to confirm that it was a stranger.

At this time, the electronic notice board on the door of the waiting room, which I had been paying attention to all the time, printed the ticket inspection notice for the train we were waiting for.

I stood up, carried the suitcase and accompanied that close relative out of the waiting room.

In the crowd on the escalator going up, I suddenly remembered who she seemed to be.I kept moving forward, sent my dearest relative to the car, and looked affectionately at her lifelike standing in the window smiling at me on the platform until the train drove away.

I doubted my own judgment as I walked through the tunnel leading outside the station.

When I hesitated and reappeared at the door of the soft-seat waiting room, neither she nor the little girl was there, and a sad-looking female officer sat in her place.

Thirteen days later, I went to a reunion of middle school classmates. When strange men and women walked into the room, shaking hands with smiles on their faces, and especially when one of them called out my name, I felt a sense of being out of reality.I talked a lot with a couple of guys I know are good friends from the past.I have no recollection of the past events which have been brought up, and which describe with certainty my countenance, manner, and tastes at that time.I am overwhelmed by the fact that I can clearly remain in the memory of some people.A classmate who presided over the party said loudly to everyone: "Let's get to know each other again."

As the names are spoken one by one, the dusty years gradually reveal their original luster and vivid outlines, and those unfamiliar faces become familiar and kind again.Many people have not changed, but we are separated from each other by a distance, and when we get together again, the old scene reappears without difficulty.

That old, haggard woman had a charming face like a fox back then. This face would not make people fall in love, but it could quite arouse a grown man's unreasonable desires.It was only later, many years later, that I began to appreciate women with such looks.At that time, she was not attractive to me. I have long been obsessed with that kind of moon-shaped bright and clean girl.

I was so impressed with her because she was always with Milan back then.

In the mid-70s, the city didn't have so many cars, luxury restaurants, shopping malls, and so many people.Except for a few small-scale commercial streets, most of the main streets only have a few food stores and department stores. Before the New Year's Eve, the goods on the shelves are also very monotonous, and most of them are basic daily necessities supplied by tickets.Four-wheel drive military jeeps and some old Soviet and Polish cars are common on the street.

During work and school hours, only some cadres on business trips from other places hang out on the street, and even buses and trolleybuses have few passengers.The lively scenes can only be seen on special celebration days, and the streets and alleys are crowded with parade crowds.

There are not many young people in the city, they have all gone to the countryside and the army.

I was 15 years old at the time, and I was in the third grade of middle school in a middle school far away from my home. I took a bus from Dongcheng to Xicheng across the entire urban area to go to school every day.This was an extreme measure my parents took to shield me from some of my old bad friends.The middle school I attended used to be a girls' high school. Since it began to accept boys, it has fallen into chaos and the school discipline has been abolished.In order not to be bullied, boys naturally formed a gang of unequal numbers.Every day after school, the gangs would brawl collectively in the alleys, using bricks, wire locks, and sometimes knives, until one of them was beaten to the point of bleeding, and then broke up. This scene made all decent parents of students terrified.

I am grateful for the era in which students were freed from having to learn useless knowledge that was later doomed to be forgotten.I sympathize with today's students, who can do nothing even if they realize that they are wasting their youth.I still maintain that young people are forced to study and lure them with bright futures only to keep them from making trouble in the streets.

At that time, I only went to class so that I would not be too embarrassing.I'm not worried about my future at all, it's already decided: I'm going to join the army after high school, and to be a platoon officer with four pockets in the army is all my dreams.I had no desire to end up in a high position because it seemed to me at the time that the old people who occupied high positions were immortal.

There is no need to fight for everything, I just need to wait, and it will be my turn when the time comes.

The only thing that can be called fantasy is the Sino-Soviet war.I eagerly look forward to being involved in a world war. I have no doubt that the iron fist of the People's Liberation Army will smash the war machines of the Soviet Union and the United States to pieces, and I will become a war hero that attracts the attention of the world.

I only bear the unshirkable responsibility for the liberation of the people of the world.

So my parents separated me from my comrades in arms, and transferred from that vibrant school to a dead school-this new school was one of the few remaining schools in the city that could still maintain order- You can imagine how bored I would be.

I found no comrades in the new school for a long time, and although I made a few friends later, I found them to be under the influence of the teachers.I am used to being brave and courageous. I have no allies, and I am also afraid of provoking the teacher alone and risking the disapproval of the world.It's as if the mouse was forced to compromise with its natural enemy, the cat, to accept and obey the authority of the cat, even though they are all famous breeds of cats, the distress of the mice is self-evident.

I think the reason why my vulgar tastes got out of control later has a lot to do with the situation at that time.

At that time, I mainly found pleasure in the insults and quarrels between people on the bus, and a lot of exquisite obscenity was realized during that period.

When man is forced into a life of mediocrity that conflicts with his own interests, as a gesture or a symbol, he must resort to a vice, because it is more passive than sickness.

I became obsessed with keys, and collected a large number of keys of all kinds from home, the street, and other classmates, and used tough wire cutters to make a so-called "master key".First, he legally opened all kinds of locks in his own house one by one, and helped those friends whose keys were locked at home. Later, he began to open the locked doors of other people's houses without invitation.

I like to use an ordinary key to finally open a lock with a complicated mechanism after careful consideration and continuous testing.The bolt snapped open with a click, and that moment brought me infinite joy. This feeling is familiar to people who love fishing, and it is also familiar to veteran Soviet soldiers who participated in the battle of conquering Berlin in World War II.

Isn't the key the natural enemy of the lock?
From this activity I have obtained strong evidence, enough to overthrow the near truth of the folk adage: a key to a lock.In fact, some keys can open many locks, and even infinite locks if you add patience and dexterity-such as "master key".

I swear I'm just picking the lock and not being a thief.In my short career of sledging, I have never taken anything worth more than ten yuan, and even if I did, it was purely out of love and not greed.People had no money back then, and household appliances that are now considered essential were unheard of.

Most of the general cadres of state organs lived in the building area in front of the school I frequented. Most of the homes were made of wooden furniture issued by the government, and even sofas were rarely seen.The most affluent family in my impression is probably a director. There is an old-fashioned black and white TV set made in the Soviet Union, with a wooden case.I did think about removing it for a moment, and then a thought occurred to me: this is a crime!
I can testify that at that time, apart from some cadres with questionable political qualities, there were very few corrupt officials.

The buildings are all the same from the outside, with five floors and built of gray bricks; the interior furnishings are also similar, wooden beds, three-drawer tables, large wardrobes, and bookshelves. The newer ones are painted in beige, and the older ones are dark brown.

During working hours, those buildings are often completely empty, so I wandered around in those unoccupied houses, lying on the owner’s bed, eating two bites of food left in the kitchen, looking at the furnishings in the room, and imagining how to live here. What kind of people are they living in? Satisfied or frustrated.

A few times I even fell asleep lying on the bed of a stranger's house, and I didn't leave in a hurry until I got off work at noon and heard people's voices and footsteps in the corridor.

I was sure I wouldn't get caught, people never slipped away during working hours in those days, and since almost nothing was lost, no one was alarmed.

Before I left, I sometimes cleaned the room for people who were too sloppy, and folded the quilts that I didn't have time to make in the future.

My literary imagination was cultivated at that time.

Next to this building area is a piece of bungalows inhabited by Muslims belonging to ethnic minorities. I never go there.

My stories always start in summer.Summer is a dangerous season in my opinion, the hot weather makes the crowd much more naked than other seasons, so it's hard to hide desire.

That afternoon, the teacher talked about the great significance of the Paris Commune and Thiers in class.The whole class was drowsy, listening to the teacher with their eyes wide open.So far, when I think back to my student days, the most unbearable thing to look back on is the first class in the summer afternoon. You just want to sleep and he wants to chatter.I didn't listen to a single word of the knowledge taught from two to three o'clock in those summers. Maybe because of this I missed the most critical enlightenment in my life, and now my spirit is empty.

In order not to fall asleep in public, I left the classroom in the second class.

I slipped out of the school gate, walked through the open space between the buildings against the scorching sun, and entered a dark and shady building.

The building is very quiet, and the "tick" of the clocks in the closed doors on each floor can be clearly heard.

I opened a few doors and walked in, and found that I had patronized these houses before, so I felt uninterested.

I opened the door of a house on the top floor of the building and walked in.I am very impressed by the diligence and cleanliness of the owner.The austere furnishings were in order, the concrete floors were spotlessly polished and mirror-smooth, and all the glassware gleamed; the walls were not sooty and peeling plaster like most houses, but had a light green paint, which was the norm at the time. Very luxurious.There is no portrait of the great leader on the wall, but a black and white silk embroidered landscape of Hangzhou hung in a frame, on which is a vast and sparkling lake under the moonlight, a small boat with a vague ancient costume on it There is an ancient poem embroidered on one side: [-] hectares of jade fields, and a leaf of my boat.

From an early age, I admired people's poise and contentment in difficult situations.

This is a two-bedroom unit. The room I entered first had a big bed, several camphor boxes stacked on top of the bed, and a group photo of young men and women with hairstyles in the 50s. Obviously, they were men and women. Master's bedroom.

The door of another room was ajar. I opened the door and went in, only to find that it was the girl's boudoir.The single bed is covered with a pink sheet with a pattern of goldfish playing in water, under the bed is a pair of red plastic slippers, a pipa with a cloth cover is hung obliquely on the wall, and there is a table and a bamboo bookshelf near the window with some Old and yellowed book, then I saw her.

I don't remember whether there was an obsessive fragrance in the room at that time, but there was in my impression. She looked at me with a smile in a plexiglass photo frame with a silver frame, and the fragrance came from a corner in her direction. Let Li Yi out.She is so bright that even though I know that there are no flowers in the picture, I can still feel the feeling of seeing flowers.I had the distinct impression that she was wearing a swimsuit, although she later denied it, saying it was just a plain calico dress, and confirmed it when I got the picture, but I still Can't get over my first impression.Why do I feel so deeply about her shoulders, her thighs and the moisture on her skin?Isn't it only in the summer sun on the beach that such dramatic, contrasty, high-definition effects can be produced?

Thinking about it now, her posture at that time was not very natural, rather showing off and posing, just like those little movie stars often do in pictorials.

But at that time I regarded this shallowness and vulgarity as beauty!Fascinated, fascinated, fascinated, and lost in the most clumsy poses!Except for the great leader Chairman Mao and his closest comrades-in-arms, it was the first time in my life that I saw realistic color photos.

Even with rational framing and factual verification, in my imagination, I couldn't help but enlarge that standard-sized color photo to the level of a large advertisement painting, so as to highlight the shock and impact I received when I saw her for the first time.

At dusk, I came out of that building unhappily, and passed by adults and children who came back from get off work and school. A female student in our class who also lived in this building saw me coming out of the building , stopped and looked at me thoughtfully.

In that dusk, I had already lost my normal reaction to the outside world, so the size of her image was as big as my field of vision; as much as my imagination was, so many hints were there in her expression.

In our city, which is located in the temperate zone and the diet structure of its residents is mainly herbivorous, the girls of this ethnic group develop very late.Most of the girls my age are thin and sallow, except for the length of hair and subtle differences in clothing styles, they have no characteristics.After the men cut their braids in the Republic of China, they inherited this ridiculous hairstyle. This is one of the reasons why some men grew their hair long again and girls untied their braids a few years later, which caused a public outcry. —The moralists think they have lost their only feminine traits.

The situation made me both pure and vulnerable.

Of course, my feelings have not been lonely and sleeping until that day, as if a person was suddenly awakened from a dream.Almost from the time when boys and girls in kindergarten were in love with each other, I have been changing my love object without interruption.It should be pointed out that I was not influenced by any adult and obscene books. At that time, there were more gentlemen among the adults than in previous dynasties. As for books, everyone knew that there were only "two newspapers and one magazine". Even the prejudiced cannot find obscenity.Later, when I actually read the famous manuscript "Memoirs of Manna", it was also out of the irresistible curiosity and natural need aroused by people's talk of tigers.It is the only way for young people to get lost, not the evil hand that drags me into the abyss.To be honest, the pamphlet's poor portrayal has for a long time caused me to dislike relationships between the sexes.Its main effect, in my opinion, is to desecrate the needs of human health, which is quite similar to the description in religious scriptures in order to exhort the world and make believers fear the flames of purgatory.

That year the International Communist Movement achieved impressive victories around the world, first in Southeast Asia.The Viet Cong, which our country has been assisting on a large scale, conquered Saigon, and then swept across Indochina with such force.The Khmer Rouge and Pathet Lao's Princes Sihanouk and Souphanouvong took power in their respective countries.America suffered a humiliating defeat.

But these glorious victories didn't excite me anymore, and I was faced with a looming personal obsession that needed relief.

I waited in front of that ordinary building day after day, eagerly looking forward to the appearance of the person in the painting.

I saw her parents more than once.They often came back from different directions on their bicycles in the evening, sometimes with a bunch of green vegetables on the rear rack or a few tomatoes in net bags hanging on the handlebars.

Her father was very thin, always wearing a half-worn Chinese tunic suit, and greeted everyone politely. Sometimes he stood at the door of the building, holding on to the handle of his bicycle, chatting with a few people for a while before going upstairs.He wears a pair of glasses, so he always looks at people with a blank look. Later, when I saw the photo of the famous Chen Jingrun, I immediately found something in common between the two of them.

Her mother was a late beauty, almost as tall as her father.At that time, people generally lacked maintenance, and women at her age were mostly haggard, but she still kept her fair skin and black hair.A pair of eyes also glow from time to time.Her face was soft, but her demeanor was cold. I never saw her talk to a neighbor. Every time she got off her bicycle, she went upstairs without even looking at her husband.

Her facial features actually resembled her father's, but at the time I thought she had inherited more of her mother's genes.

I never waited for her once.A few times I waited until night and every house was lit, but her window was always dark.Sometimes the light was turned on suddenly, but the figure that appeared at the window was either her father or her mother.

I ventured into her house several times during the day, and there were always some slight changes in the house: for example, a half-read book appeared on the table, a different brand of cream was changed, and the pillow was left behind. A few hairpins and a few long hairs, and the thin dust on the mirror was carefully wiped.

I don't know when she came in and when she left, she came and went invisible like a ghost, only leaving some traces and fragrance in my sense and smell to confirm her existence.

I extended the waiting time, and rushed across the city to get here before dawn, and left on the last train after everything was quiet, still nothing.

This unusual pattern of activity alarmed my parents, who thought I must be hanging out with bad friends again, because I couldn't explain why I was so famous.I was treated roughly by them, and from then on I had to leave and return strictly according to the schedule they set for me.

I forgot what day it was, and it seemed that it was not a celebration but a denunciation and a demonstration. I marched around the city for a day with the whole school's parade led by the drum team, waving paper flags and shouting slogans with the teacher all the way.

All government agencies, factories, mines, and schools in the city were mobilized that day, and red flags were waving everywhere in the streets, and drums and trumpets shook the sky.At every street corner, several teams can be seen coming from different directions, raising their arms one after another and shouting slogans.Some workers marched majestically beating drums pulled by tricycles.

This kind of demonstration is usually very tiring. You have to walk a long way to the central square, walk around the square for a week, walk back, and disband at the school gate.

There were no leaders on the Tiananmen Gate that day to inspect us, and there was nothing between the red lanterns and the white marble railings.

We walked around the arena majesticly chanting some slogans, created some momentum with other parade teams, and then walked back along the street.

On the way back, everyone was exhausted and the sun was very hot. The strongest physical education teacher in the school who led the slogans became hoarse and quiet.Everyone walked lazily, chatting back and forth, seeing an old lady selling popsicles on the side of the road, gathered around to buy popsicles, and then went to catch up with the team, looking around and eating popsicles in the middle of the queue.

In the afternoon, the streets were full of dejected and dejected workers and students walking back. Under the scorching sun, the dense crowd was silent and endless.

More than a dozen of them were wearing military jackets and loafers, sitting on the back seat of their bicycles, and gathered in front of the traffic police podium at the intersection, each with a cigarette in his hand and mouth. Swallowing clouds and exhaling while talking happily, it is very eye-catching and has a suave vibe like a hero standing on the street and looking forward to his own hero.

When the team of students of the same age passed by, their glances were full of indifference and contempt, which made those well-behaved peers feel a little embarrassed and uneasy, while the teachers pretended to turn a blind eye.

They were my friends, former schoolmates, the ones my parents forbade me to have any more contact with.

Gao Yang saw me first, and called my name with a smile. Others also turned their heads to look at me, pointed at me with a smile and shouted: "It's boring, it's boring."

I voluntarily left the school team and walked over generously, full of pride in having such a group of friends in my heart.Many students in the class looked at me and were urged by the teacher to walk away.

Xu Xun handed me a "Evergrande" cigarette, and I also stood on the street and smoked it. I squinted and looked at the parade that was still passing us, and immediately felt a sense of superiority and incompatibility. A sense of superiority into the vulgar.

They were talking about women, which was a new topic.When we hung out in the past, fighting was the only thing we were interested in.At that time, anyone who wanted to have anything to do with a certain girl would not only lose his prestige immediately, but would definitely be unanimously humiliated and even mercilessly beaten by everyone. We thought it would be demeaning and tarnish the heroic spirit.I hadn't been with them for just a month or two, and they talked about women with such shamelessly knowledgeable prowess as if they were all sex hunters.From their conversations, I learned that they have met many people recently, many of whom are well-known in our circle, not only met some important boyfriends, but also established direct contact with some girls.

I felt the loneliness of being out of the organization and the sadness of being behind the trend.

I heard Milan's name for the first time that night, but I thought it was someone else and didn't draw much attention.

They carried me home on a bicycle, and the hard and protruding back seat made me very sensitive.

When I was eating dinner in the cafeteria, I saw them conversing in a low voice at a table, with such similar secret smiles on their faces, which made people feel that they were planning something together and looking forward to something.It was unbearable for me to be excluded from the pleasures of my friends again, but my father's presence forced me to appear indifferent to everything.

Most of their fathers worked in the field army or local military regions in other places, so they were happy and free like orphans.I have believed for a long time that the timing of my father's death would enable us to maintain our respect for him and to remember him with the deepest affection without being troubled by morality and guilt in shaking off his influence. , just like the deterioration of food can make us throw it away with peace of mind, and we don't have to force ourselves to eat it to avoid being charged with waste.

At the end of dinner, almost everyone in the cafeteria had left. When I was in a daze, my friends, for some reason, left the table and started fighting around a soldier in a white apron.The other fighters in the cafeteria showed no sense of team spirit or respect for honor, and stood timidly with spoons in hand to watch their comrades being mobbed.This soldier is a very strong young man, but a tiger can't fight a pack of wolves, and he probably has all kinds of problems about joining the party. .The cadres of the management department who were still eating in the cafeteria tried to dissuade them, but they were ignored, and they themselves were pushed aside.Later, Master Ren, the fat man who had worked in the cafeteria for many years and we ate his meals since we were young, came out and yelled and scolded the troublesome boys away. They walked out very quickly, as if they were afraid to avoid it.

I slowly swallowed the last few grains of rice in the bowl, stood up and walked out. The adults in the cafeteria were angrily condemning these unscrupulous bad boys. They also looked angry when they saw me. The grown-ups here know we're in the same gang.

At that time, my father had already stepped forward, otherwise, he would think that these accusations were also aimed at him, and then I would really have to bear the consequences for the actions of my friends.

I walked through the gate of the second main hall and walked to the veranda of the garden where peach blossoms, pear blossoms and crabapple blossoms bloom every spring. I saw a girl with a fox face flashing from under the fruit-laden grape arbor next to the moon gate. Come out and walk towards me along the veranda.Her attire looks like the kind of ostentatious girl who loves to show off. In fact, her attire is nothing special, not even a fashionable women's military uniform, but the two shoulder-length "brushes" have a distinctive appearance. meaning.

I was keenly aware of who she was looking for. It was still bright at that time, and there were many adults walking in the garden and well-behaved girls from the hospital chatting in a bunch. Everyone knew who she was looking for.

I passed her by without turning my eyes, and turned into the row of bungalows where the servants lived in my house without looking back.Maybe it’s my shy nature, or I’ve been used to lying in front of adults with firm moral values ​​since I was a child. I have always been able to hide my interests very well.Today, this has become a stubborn instinct, which often leads people to mistake me for being cold or deep.

When I got home, the room was already dark, and I was lying on the bed reading a torn "Song of Youth".This book was privately considered suitable for young people to read at the time, and the story of a bourgeois girl who became a revolutionary told in the book was once considered a truth and necessity before people's madness reached the level of hysteria.Similar books include "How the Steel Was Tempered" and "The Gadfly".I don't deny that the fearlessness and courage of the revolutionaries in the book made me very excited and fascinated. Although Paul Korchagin and Arthur didn't personally kill rows and rows of enemies, I felt that they were not legendary enough, but I initially His revolutionary romanticism and yearning for a dangerous and turbulent life were indeed inspired by them.

And what fascinates me the most is the romance between these revolutionaries and bourgeois women.When Paul finally lost Tonya, I was deeply sorry for him, and when Tonya and her bourgeois husband reappeared, I had a piercing pain. Find a solution for both in love.

When I read novels such as "Song of Youth" and "Bitter Cauliflower" for the second time, the pages involving sex in those books were like trump cards in poker, and they were all extremely old.

I was asleep when my father came in to inspect.When he returned to the room with confidence, I put on my clothes again, opened the window, and jumped out onto the wet and soft ground.

It was completely dark, and the sky at that time was not seriously polluted. It was more transparent than now, the moonlight was more penetrating, and the stars were denser and brighter than they are now.

I walked along the poplar forest in front of the windows.The silvery poplar leaves rustled like light rain pouring over my head, the human voice whispered in the dimly lit window, and the mossy land under my feet was slippery, and my footsteps made no sound.On the roof of the main hall in front, a black cat crept past.

I walked through courtyards, lanes, small squares, and gardens. When I passed the Bajiaoxiang Building, I saw the most beautiful girl in our courtyard and the female soldiers from the clinic playing table tennis from the illuminated basement window with iron fences.

I came to the abandoned swimming pool overgrown with weeds in the backyard wall, and saw from a distance on the dark rockery, there were a few flickering cigarette butts in the pavilion in the middle.

Sure enough, they were all here, the fox-faced girl was sitting next to Gao Yang, smiling and calmly coping with their cheeky jokes, she also had a cigarette in her hand.

They introduced me and the girl, her name is Yu Beibei, from the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.On this point, it was crucial at the time that we did not deal with people without status.I remember that we once met a handsome and chic young man who claimed to be from the "Bei Pao", but it was later revealed that his parents were actually from the Beijing Light Bulb Factory, and he disappeared from then on.

Yu Beibei was older than any of us. At that time, she should be considered a big girl, but her intelligence level was no higher than that of a fifteen or sixteen-year-old boy.

She has more experience than us, and she calls us "children" one by one, and always says "that child, that child" when referring to people who are not present.

She talked to me very casually, very affectionately, and joked with me as soon as she saw me, saying that I looked very good like a girl.This made me both happy and embarrassed. I, who was always eloquent, murmured at the time and didn't know what to say, and my face must have turned red.I've never been treated so affectionately by anyone but a buddy, let alone a girl, and I was instantly charmed by her nonchalant, casual attitude.

Because she was the only woman, everyone joked with her, but at that time no one dared to say anything too obscene.

Everyone asked her which of us she would like to be with, and which of us she thought was more beautiful.At that time, creamy boy was not a derogatory term, and was very popular among girls, and we were all beautiful and healthy boys. Later, I never had such a consistent and beautiful boyfriend.

She pointed indiscriminately, and even pointed at me.Although it was a joke, I was still flattered in my heart, and tolerantly put her in the category that could match me.She squeezed to the side, made an empty seat, and beckoned me to sit next to her. She didn't intend to seduce or tease, but just to make the joke more realistic and to make the atmosphere more active.

I sat there, full of pride.She put one arm around my neck, which made me breathless immediately. At this moment, I found that she was sitting with Gao Yang, shoulder to shoulder.

We sat hugging in the dark talking and smoking.Everyone chatted about the brawls that happened all over the city recently, who was crossed, who was chopped up, who was dishonest, and who was majestic and invincible in the brawl.We are always interested in these topics, and those powerful heroes who dominate one side are what we admire and fear in private, just like people worship those pop stars now.The biggest dream of all of us is to someday chop up the most famous strongman in his place.

After talking about heroes and chivalrous women, who has recently been transferred to someone's hands to "carry" them, which woman actually caused and called the famous fight, and then began to chat about which girl in the city's compound is beautiful and affectionate, Every once in a while there's a wonderful girl on that street who doesn't belong to anyone right now.

At this time, Gao Jin mentioned Milan's name. She was obviously Yu Beibei's girlfriend, and they had met her before.Gao Jin asked Yu Beibei to bring her "to get acquainted" next time.

Yu Beibei smiled and said that if you want to fall in love with her, go "shoot" by yourself, don't you claim that there is no one in the city that you can't "shoot"?

Gao Jin said that he really likes Milan and must ask Yu Beibei for a favor.

Yu Beibei said that Milan was quite serious, and she told her several times that she refused to come.

She held a cigarette in her hand on my shoulder, and she tilted her head and took a puff from time to time. At this time, she hugged me tightly, her face was almost touching mine, and I could even feel her blinking eyelashes on my face. The fuzzy feeling of catkins blowing on the cheeks.

The fragrance of lilac trees, Chinese toon trees and other plants planted on the rockery floated in the night. Yu Beibei's innocent behavior left me with only a vague memory of the real details of that night, but I have an unforgettable warm impression .

Later, when the night was late and the sky was getting cold, the lights in the overlapping windows in the courtyard at the foot of the mountain were all turned off.A few people were sleepy, smoked out their cigarettes, and dispersed one after another to go home to sleep.

It's time for me to go, and I worry about how Yu Beibei will go home so late, the buses and trams on the street are all stopped, but she has no intention of leaving, she sits there calmly, her eyes are shining in the dark shine.Whenever I look at her, she smiles with a very affectionate and focused demeanor.

That night, when Wang Ruohai and I went down the mountain together to go home, he told me that Yu Beibei had been "squatting" at Gao Yang's house for two nights.

I got on the No. 101 bus at Chaoyangmen, and after only one stop, I got off the bus opposite the gray building of the People's Literature Publishing House. The national flag of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs was flying behind me in the white refractory brick courtyard wall.

When I went to the current "Xideshun" restaurant, it was just a Muslim breakfast shop called "Hongri Snack Shop", bought a fried cake, and walked north along the North Street while eating.

I finished eating fried cakes in the public toilet at the entrance of Shaojiu Hutong. I guessed that there were no adults in the yard going to work on this road, so I went out and walked through Nangongjiangying Hutong to continue north.The middle school I used to be in was located in this alley. The school had already started classes, and only some students who were late or absent from class wandered around in the alley.

At the entrance of the "Sanyigong" grocery store, I saw the big brown-green car that the cadres in the courtyard took to work drove out of the courtyard, turned into Nanmencang Hutong at the entrance of an alley in front and disappeared.

I boldly walked into the courtyard, and a classmate I used to greet me stood at the gate of his courtyard by the side of the road. I asked him why he didn't go to class, and he smiled and said he didn't like to go.

The courtyard was empty and there were no people there, only a few soldiers from the official class unloaded sacks of rice from a truck. Some unemployed family members sat on small benches basking in the sun to hold a party group meeting. The woman who had been the president of the Women's Salvation Association read the newspaper to everyone.When I walked past them, they looked at me very unfriendly.

Every courtyard and every corridor is full of sunshine. So far, I am very impressed with the dignified mansion built in the Beiyang period, which is a combination of Chinese and Western styles. The warm, gorgeous, bright and elegant effect formed by the numerous large clusters of flowers and trees still feels dizzying and thrilling.

In fact, the mansion was already very dilapidated and dilapidated at that time. The vermilion paint was peeling off, weeds were growing on the eaves, many fruit trees were dead or no longer bearing fruit, the goldfish pond was covered by heating pipes, and most of the colored engraved glass on the door of the hall was broken. The building has been patched and flipped over beyond recognition.

I hurried to Gao Yang's house with anxiety and eagerness, thinking about Yu Beibei, eager to know the truth on the one hand, and fearful that my abruptness would not embarrass them but myself.

She slept at the house of Gao Yang and Gao Jin, which made me worry about her last night.

The side courtyard of his house is very quiet, and the neighbors' freshly washed sheets and clothes are drying in the sunny porch, and there is a strong damp smell in the air.

I knocked on the door twice, but no one answered in the room, and there was a dead silence.I was about to knock again when I suddenly lost my courage and backed out in a panic.

I stood with my head bowed in the courtyard outside the courtyard, which is called a small square, the sun was falling like dust, and I was at a loss in my heart.

Behind the small wooden railing in the corridor on the second floor opposite, a gray-haired old woman turned around to look at me pushing a stroller with two babies on it, her face blurred in the sunlight.

I walk away.Passing by the window of Wang Ruohai's house, he called him twice, but couldn't hear the answer, so he went to Fang Fang's house upstairs in the auditorium.He was sleeping, opened the door and lay back on the bed.

I lit a cigarette and sat on the side smoking. I choked and coughed as soon as I took a puff. I drank the remaining water in the glass on the table and smoked seriously one by one.

Fang Fang also lit a cigarette, smoked while lying in bed, and spit the smoke towards the ceiling.He asked me why I didn't go to school?I said I was bored early.I asked Wang Ruohai why they thought of going to school today.He said they would be back in a while.

Not long after, Xu Xun, Wang Ruohai and others came back with their schoolbags on their backs. After putting down their schoolbags, they grabbed cigarettes and fought with each other, swearing and swearing.

I also joined them in insulting each other, using the most obscene and nasty words, with no hidden meaning, just for fun.

Then we went out to Gao Jin and Gao Yang's house together.As soon as Xu Xun and Fang Fang arrived, they slammed on the door and kicked it with their feet. Wang Ruohai even jumped on the window sill and looked in through the window lattice, laughing, "I saw you, don't rush to get dressed."

So I hurriedly climbed up to the window, only to find that the window was tightly covered with curtains.

Gao Jin opened the door with a smile, let us in, and said, "These bandits."

After entering the room, everyone rushed into the back room. Gao Yang and Yu Beibei sat on the rattan sofa in full dress and looked at us with smiles, as if they hadn't slept all night and had been sitting there waiting for our arrival.

"What do you want to see?" Yu Beibei said, "Have you never seen it?"

Gao Jin followed me in and asked me, "Did you knock on the door once this morning?"

"No." I immediately denied.

"How did the three of you sleep last night?" Fang Fang asked them, "There are only two beds in the room."

"Sleep in this bed for the first half of the night, and sleep in that bed for the second half of the night." Yu Beibei dealt with it calmly, then giggled.

This tone of hers immediately made me feel relieved. The obvious joking tone and the attitude without the slightest bit of shame made me feel that she would not take anything seriously and had a clear conscience. Too absurd confessions often make people believe that everything is fiction .

I became more cheerful.

When eating at noon, I couldn't go to the cafeteria because I was afraid of being seen by my father, and it was inconvenient for Yu Beibei to show up in the cafeteria.So I stayed in the house alone with her and called us back after they had finished eating.

I knew her very well, but when we were alone in the big gloomy room, I felt as if someone had turned off the switch. I had no words and just smoked in silence.

"Are you a good boy at home?" She asked, leaning her face closer to stare at me, and sprayed a puff of smoke on my face.

"It's not at all." I waved away the smoke and spit it on her face again, "I was beaten the most in our family."

She smiled with her eyes open in the smoke, puffed her cheeks and tapped the side of her cheeks with a finger, exhaling a series of small smoke rings, "I really can't tell you look like a bad boy."

When she opened her mouth to speak, all the smoke came out, and she took another full puff, concentrating on making smoke rings.

I really want to pinch her round cheeks with two fingers, to have the effect of blowing all at once, and I feel itchy in my heart, but I dare not really stretch out my hands to do it.

"Actually, I'm bad, but I just look honest." I explained to her, "The teachers at school also liked me when they first saw it, and none of them didn't hate me afterward."

"Can you blow a big smoke ring?" She came over suddenly, grabbed my shoulder, and asked with a puff of smoke.

"No." I said, vomited one, and it really didn't take shape.

"I will," she said, exhaling in my ear several times, but without success.

"Two days ago I vomited out an extra-large one." She said, patiently insisting on vomiting.She thought it was windy near the window, so she sat on the rattan sofa in the corner and vomited towards the wall.

I asked her if she was in school or already working.She turned around and told me that she had been working for a long time. After graduating from junior high school, she went to work as a farm worker in an orchard farm in the suburbs, earning 16 yuan a month.

"I'm an apprentice now, and I can earn more than 30 yuan after I graduate," she added.

"Then you are rich enough." I expressed my envy for the wages she had earned.

Then I asked her "floating" outside all the time, isn't her father angry?Hang out with men every day.

"He was so angry, but there was nothing he could do." Yu Beibei said with a smile, "Several times he said he didn't recognize my daughter."

"Hit you?"

"Why don't you beat them? Bind them up and beat them up." Yu Beibei acted like his hands and feet were bound.

I seized the time to educate her, "Actually, you don't have to go home every day and live with the man. We are all pretty bad, if something really happens one day..."

"He wanted to hit me, but he couldn't. As soon as he hit me, I ran away." Yu Beibei heard my words clearly, and looked at me funny, "What's going to happen? I've already had an accident, and I'm waiting for you to have an accident again? "

She glanced at me with disdain, threw the cigarette butt on the floor and crushed it with her feet, then looked up and gave me another look.

I bowed my head in shame.

She suddenly became angry.

During the meal, she was very indifferent to me, and she kept joking with others, and the jokes were more explicit than last night, which made the whole room very excited, and the happy laughter almost lifted the roof.

She laughed out of breath, and picked out the fat meat from the dish with chopsticks, and threw it into my plate. I put the fat meat on the table piece by piece, and soon it piled up like a white flower. , Oily lump.

In the afternoon, we ran out of cigarettes, and everyone collected enough money for a pack of cigarettes to send me to buy them. The money was only enough to buy a pack of "Glory" or "Haihe".Yu Beibei took her military satchel and took out a red five-yuan coin for me to buy two packs.

At the gate of the courtyard, I ran into Xu Xun's mother, which made me very upset.The woman had a reputation for integrity in the courtyard.They treated us children like good Christians in the American South treated black people. They often stopped us and gave us a public reprimand.Although her son is as bad as we are, that does not hinder her integrity.I'm pretty sure she would tell my father about seeing me in the yard during school hours in all likelihood, from which it's easy to conclude that I'm playing truant.

This bitch has probably never suffered a loss in her life.

When I came back from buying cigarettes, they were secretly discussing something in the room. When I opened the door and came in, Yu Beibei suddenly yelled and rushed towards me with a smile. He put his arms around me and kissed me firmly on the right cheek.

Everyone cheered and surrounded me, looked at my right cheek and said with a smile: "No, there is no seal."

Only then did I realize that Yu Beibei was holding a tube of lipstick in her hand. She was going to apply it thickly to give my face a clear stamp, but halfway through it, I came back and ruined their plan , this was Gao Jin's idea.

In fact, this stamp has been imprinted on my face with no regrets.

In the following week, her lips stayed on my cheeks quite literally, and I felt that my right cheek was infected by her kiss, swollen high, heavy and heavy.

This was a powerful blow that was caught off guard.I was dizzy, confused, and incoherent that afternoon.But even in that situation, I still carefully kept my sense of proportion, so as not to let others see my agitation, just like a drunk person reminding himself more firmly to maintain reason.I talk about the kiss with a distaste above everyone else, as if a girl kisses me every day, and I'm used to it.

They still laughed at me, saying that my eyes were straight when I saw Yu Beibei, and that I fell in love with her.Yu Beibei also stepped forward and stared into my eyes and asked, is that right?
I pushed her away hard, and she rubbed her chest and said that I hurt her from pushing her.Instigated by others, she came forward to kiss me again. I twisted her arm to keep her from turning around, grabbed her other struggling hand, and cut her arms behind her back, forcing her to Bowing down, laughing shrillly and happily, she didn't let go of her until she was grimacing in pain.

She rushed up furiously to beat me, but she didn't really do it until others dissuaded her. She rubbed her painful arm and cursed endlessly. Others also said that my joking was too insignificant.

Later, she turned her anger into joy and went to kiss Xu Xun and Wang Ruohai. I sat smoking a cigarette and watched them tease me, my heart filled with shame and anger.

I was quite rude to my father's cross-examination that night, and as soon as he opened his mouth, I freely admitted that I didn't go to class that day.This seemed to disappoint him, and he presumably expected some slick sophistry from me so that he could expose me in a hearty way and increase the deterrence effect.

After such a serious incident, I don't give a shit about the consequences of playing truant!

"I've already admitted it, you can beat me up." I said to him impatiently.

I have no memory of that physical pain, I just remember waking up at night, unable to fall asleep for a long time, full of sweet memories of that kiss and deep nostalgia for Beibei.

The next day, I went to school honestly.This is a habit of mine: when I am under pressure, I instinctively choose to compromise and obey, rather than stand up and say no!Because I have never been persuaded, I am too lazy to seek understanding from others.People are stubborn and self-righteous, and the only way to get along is to cheat.

If in the past I was simply bored of going to school, now I am absolutely disgusted.The knowledge that the teacher instills in us with confidence is so superficial and empty, as if it really plays an important role in our life.I don't think this class is suitable for me at all, and even the posture of sitting here and listening to the lecture seems so childish.

I sat bored in the classroom all morning, thinking that I had given the teacher and parents enough face, and as soon as school was over at noon, I sneaked away with my schoolbag on my back.When I passed the gray building, I only thought about the girl in the photo that made me fascinated.

I found them at the south entrance of Wangfujing.They sat in a row on the railing under the shade of the trees in front of the "China Photo Studio", eating ice cream and staring at the girls passing by.

At that time, groups of young people in military uniforms gathered on the roadside at the south entrance of Wangfujing every day, chasing young girls in groups, or simply staying idle, making friends with each other, and some serious group fights often occurred there .

The young men and women who go there are all dressed in uniform.At that time, the fashion and sense of identity of military uniforms were incomparable to any brand-name fashion nowadays.Only military uniforms showed a variety of fabrics and colors in the era when people generally wore blue khaki or cotton uniforms.For the first batch of generals and officers awarded military ranks, the country made brown, beige, snow white and lake green khaki cloth, tussah silk, breeches, yellow woolen summer and winter military uniforms, and thin and Pointed high leather boots.

These are all worth showing off.What amazed me was how well these imposing uniforms with shoulder pads fit on the boys, since the officers were very short in stature, I imagine.

These boys and girls wearing the uniforms of the old officers of the army, sea and air force are very eye-catching on the gloomy streets more than ten years ago. They all feel good about themselves, respect each other, and look down on all sentient beings, just like the stars when the movie circle presents awards to their own people. It's like they gather together in gorgeous costumes and make-up.

Yu Beibei was with them, and at the same time there was another group of people, she knew both groups very well, and that group also had two women with them, and everyone mixed together and talked.

She saw me smiling very friendly, without the shadow of yesterday's unhappiness at all.I smiled at her too and we chatted like old friends.

A very juicy single girl passed in front of us, and everyone stared at her like a "red flag" car passing by.Gao Yang and one of the prettiest boys in the group chased after her, sandwiching her from left to right, and approached her with a playful smile.

The little girl just lowered her head and walked faster, without saying a word.They walked with her to the gate of the Xinhua Bookstore building and came back disappointed.

After a while, the little girl came back from the same way, hesitating as if she didn't dare to pass here anymore.We all looked at her and smiled, Gao Jin said to Beibei: "You go talk to her."

Yu Beibei jumped off the railing and walked towards the girl, stopped her not far away to say something to her, and looked back at us with a smile.

The little girl blushed, glanced at us and then timidly retracted her gaze.I figured she'd cross the street and walk across the street, but she just stood still.After a while, she shyly followed Yu Beibei and came towards us.

"Send it to you, you two have a chat." Yu Beibei said to me with a smile, pushing me off the railing.

I really like the shy and charming look of the little girl, she is younger than me, she is exactly the kind of girl I used to admire when I was in school.I asked where she was from, and she said it was from the Children's Palace Choir, and then asked her name, and what did she buy in Wangfujing.Her face flushed with shame, her eyes kept dodging, but she always had a smile on her face.In front of her, I feel very sophisticated, but I have no words to go on, I don't know what to say, I just look at her and giggle.

She quickly calmed down and was no longer shy.A plump boy from the other party struck her up in articulate conversation, and a word or two made her laugh out loud.

We didn't pay any attention to the changes in the situation on the street. When we realized that the men and women in military uniforms who had been scattered on the street in threes and fours just now suddenly disappeared, a policeman had already surrounded us with seven or eight workers' militiamen.

We were taken to the "Children's Cinema", which was the stronghold of the militia squad.They briefly searched our bodies, then asked us to untie our shoelaces and belts, and two militiamen escorted us to the "Dongfeng Market Police Station."

We walked through the bustling Wangfujing Street like a group of captives with our trousers and shoes on. Many adults stopped and looked at us curiously.Although Yu Beibei looked embarrassed with his trousers and shoes on, his demeanor was as strong and unyielding as us.The little girl cried and cried all the way, feeling extremely wronged, her braids fell apart at some point.I really think she's dishonoring our party, and I want to turn around and scold her.

In the courtyard of the police station, we were locked in the north room of the three-room building, and each of us was ordered to squat on the ground facing the wall and not allowed to speak.

The house was already full of boys and girls squatting around the wall, and most of the group who were so proud on the street just now were present.

The militiamen continued to relieve people in the house, and they could no longer squat by the wall, and the new arrivals squatted down in rows in the middle of the ground.Afterwards, they randomly found a place to squat down, and there were people facing all directions.Some people quietly move their feet alternately when they are tired from squatting, and put their hands on their knees to support their heads.

We looked down at each other and smiled quietly.

Someone farted, and there was a low chuckle in the room.Many people raised their heads to look around, and were reprimanded by the guarding police, and they fell down like felled wheat.

Just then, Milan and another girl were brought in.I heard a policewoman at the door scolding viciously: "Smell, you still wear lipstick!"

I turned around and saw Milan squatting behind me. The female police officer obviously scolded her. I saw her blushing and smiling, and her lips were really red.

She was taller than in the photo, and it was confirmed to me later when we all stood up: plumper, more rosy, and developed like a white woman, which made her look much bigger than herself in the photos I saw many.

Later, after looking at her again and again, I found an appropriate metaphor for her: she gave people the taste of the thick soup made by mixing cream and tomato juice in Western food.

To tell the truth, she may not be more intoxicating and dreamy in the pure sense of beauty than the image in the photograph.For a moment I also suspected that they were just alike.But the second I looked at her, this living, or rather hot, gorgeous image completely enveloped me, like sunlight giving color to everything.

Her eyeballs floated like two light grapes in the waves, which made her look at anyone casually with a kind of interested gaze and enamored attention.

She was smiling, and it was Yu Beibei who was squatting on the other side and giving her a sneaky wink.

I cried. As soon as I entered the police office, I was frightened and cried when I saw the policeman playing with a pair of shiny handcuffs.Although I told myself repeatedly before going in, even if they hang me up, I can confess as much as I want, but I must not cry!But as soon as I entered the door, people didn't even look at me, but I couldn't stand it anymore. It seems that I really can't inquire too many secrets of the party and the state in the future, otherwise I will be caught and run away and become a traitor.

When I cried, the policeman was very disgusted and looked at me contemptuously, "You are still planning to dominate our Wangfujing area? Tell you, what town is Dengshikou, poke Nanchizi, the whole town of the Public Security Bureau Say, where is it? What’s its name? What do you want to do in Wangfujing?”

I asked where I was from and what my name was. I came to Wangfujing to buy a dictionary.

"Go, blow your nose and go, and don't come to Wangfujing to play in the future." The policeman asked me briefly, asked me to take my belt and shoelaces, and told me to take the next one.

I hastily wiped away my tears, put on my shoelaces, tightened my trousers, and fled out of the police station dingy against the wall.

I didn't wait for the other accomplices, and went home by car first.On the way, I was very angry with myself, and felt that if this matter spread, I would not be able to be a human being.

That night, I didn't go out, I went to bed after dark like a girl, very tame to my parents.Now that I have bowed my head before one power, I would rather respect the authority of all powers. For a person who has lost his integrity, the worst and most contemptible thing is snobbery.

How I longed to meet a friend who was arrested together, so that I could observe from the way he looked at me whether I was exposed.If not, I swear that I will be the most steadfast and uncompromising member without changing my face or beating my heart, just like those good people who have only surrendered their comrades and have not betrayed their comrades or are determined not to betray them in the future.

The next night, as soon as I lay down, I heard someone lightly knocking on the glass outside the window. I lifted the curtains and saw Xu Xun and Yu Beibei smiling at me standing in the moonlight outside the screen window.

Yu Beibei leaned closer and whispered to me: "Why did you go to bed so early? Why didn't you come yesterday?"

Sad and happy, I quickly put on my uniform shorts, opened the window and jumped out.

When I landed, Yu Beibei gently grabbed my hand and helped me stand up straight.

"Is your father taking care of you again?" Xu Xun asked me.

"It's all your mother's complaint." Without thinking, I connected two irrelevant things together to make it a high-sounding excuse.

Yu Beibei held my hand tightly in the dark, and I didn't intend to let go, and soon my hands became sweaty and greasy.While talking to Xu Xun who was walking beside us, she gently stroked my palm with the tip of her little finger.

On the way, I quickly came up with a very ingenious explanation for myself, which could not only cover up but even highlight my wit: I pretended to cry at the police station to trick the police into taking it lightly, and thus escaped smoothly.

The old house with big gray bricks is very soundproof, and all the windows are pasted with black paper and the curtains are drawn stealthily cut from the auditorium. From the outside, Gao Jin’s house looks like there is no one in the house.

When I went in, I found a room full of people, the lights were bright and dazzling, and there were crowds of people and noisy conversations.

In summer, the doors and windows are covered in such a way that the indoors can be imagined to be stuffy.Most of the boys only wore a small vest, and their baggy military trousers rolled up to their thighs. Their faces were flushed with heat, and they were fanning desperately while smoking non-stop.The thick and pervasive smoke made people unable to hold back their tears.

They all looked serious, discussing something in dark low voices, someone was fiddling with the wire lock, and it was whistling.

I, too, immediately became serious, realizing that something serious must have happened.

At this time, Gao Jin and Gao Yang accompanied Wang Ruohai out of the back room. Wang Ruohai's face was scarred and swollen.

Gao Jin said to me with a gloomy face: "Wang Ruohai was intercepted by a few Xiaohuangs from 'Liu Tiao' at the gate of the courtyard just now, and took a few bricks, almost being 'flowered'."

Without saying a word, I turned aggressively and looked for the guy in the house.All screwdrivers, hammers or kitchen knives, including fruit knives, were held in hands and put into schoolbags.

Some middle-aged children in elementary school in the courtyard were mobilized, and they trembled with excitement for the honor of participating in this glorious attack for the trust of the older children.

"Let's go." Gao Jin ordered.I saw him put a Japanese [-]-gun bayonet into the military satchel slung across his chest.This was the most professional combat attire at that time. It was enviable that the leader of the peasant association who led a group of mud legs with hoes and sickles to fight local tyrants waved red silk pistols.

Everyone cheered and walked out.

"Don't go, girl." Gao Jin said to Beibei at the door.

We rode on our bicycles, and carried those without cars on the front beam and rear frame, and rang the bell all the way out of the courtyard under the night.

Some family members and soldiers enjoying the shade at the door stared at us with wide eyes.

"How to get there?" Gao Yang, who led the team riding in front, asked Wang Ruohai loudly.

Wang Ruohai, who was carried by Fang Fang on the girder with a "February [-]" manganese steel cart, pointed to the front right, "Go to Cangnan Hutong."

Outside the courtyard wall of the General Hospital of the Beijing Military Region, we saw two piles of red bricks. Unarmed children got out of the car one after another, moved the bricks down the asphalt road and broke them in two, took a half of a brick in each hand and ran on to the car to continue on. .

A residential compound next to the No. 24 bus station is being repaired. A pile of sand and white lime is piled up at the gate of the courtyard. Several shirtless teenagers are practicing wrestling on the sand.

"That's it." Wang Ruohai shouted.

We pulled up immediately under a lamppost.The sharp-eyed teenagers saw us and ran away, running wildly along the street, and burrowing into alleys when they saw them.

We swarmed after us, cursing and throwing bricks at the naked backs of the fleeing wild children.

A No. 24 bus came to a sudden stop in the middle of the street, and the driver, conductor, and passengers stuck their heads out of the windows to watch.

Some residents who played chess in the shade under the street lamps also stood up nervously from the bamboo chairs and small benches.

We are more and more energetic and arrogant.

Gao Yang, who won the third place in the city's middle school [-]-meter race, grabbed a child who was about to crawl into the courtyard gate at the entrance of Jizhao Hutong.

We then surrounded him tightly.

The child turned away panting under the street lamp, pale with fear, in sharp contrast to his black, unkempt hair.He yelled hoarsely: "It's nothing to me, I just came out of the house."

Then he caught sight of me and his eyes stayed on my face for a few seconds.He used to be a good friend of mine in our class, and his father was the manager of Liutiao Non-staple Food Store.

Gao Yang strangled his neck triumphantly, causing his head to fall back, and his voice became hoarse.

"Is there him?" He panted and asked Wang Ruohai.

Before Wang Ruohai could speak, Fang Fang squeezed up from the crowd without saying a word, and slapped the child hard on the top of the skull with the bricks in his hands. Mindlessly pumping.

Gao Yang let go, and the child collapsed against the wall.I silently smashed the bricks in my hand on him until everyone dispersed and ran away without stopping. Finally, I slapped the bloody brick vertically on the back of his head before running away .

They had already got on their bicycles, and disappeared through the dark streets like arrows.

I just remember that I was running desperately on the street, and some big shirtless men with fierce faces on the side of the road stared at me; under the dim light of the street lamps, there were crimson bricks that were completely smashed on the ground; The root of the wall is shaped like a short section of coke.

There seemed to be his almost convulsive running posture under the close pursuit of a group of people, his extraordinarily pale face, and his two tearing eyes of despair like a black hole. In fact, it was impossible for me to see him head-on from another direction. his expression.

We happily returned to the yard, and started to boast about each other as soon as we got off the car.My bravery is obvious to all, and everyone came over and patted me on the shoulder and praised me: "Everyone else has withdrawn and you are still fighting there, your hands are black enough."

I proudly puffed out my chest and smiled, bragging and stealing a look at Yu Beibei who was smiling at me.

Everyone found out half a box of crumpled cigarettes and shared them.According to our bragging record, the child who was beaten will definitely die.

Later, we took flashlights and jumped in from the bathhouse window to take a cold shower.

The cement floor of the bathhouse is very slippery, and some people fell barefoot and fell on the ground as soon as they entered.We flicked the beams of flashlights around to find the shower heads.

Cool water spouted from the showerheads, splashing cold water on our warm, sweaty bodies, prompting a yelp of joy that echoed humming in the empty bathrooms.

Crystal drops of water splashed on the hard concrete floor, which was glowing green in the moonlight from the skylight, like countless transparent and fragile glasses being broken one after another, and the fragments of the ground shone brightly.

While washing, everyone took photos of their lower bodies with flashlights and made fun of the well-developed ones.

"Straight up!" Everyone suddenly pointed at a half-grown child.

In the flickering flashlight, I saw a monstrous erection.

It's like being bumped by an elbow in the stomach, and I feel sick, like a sika deer's horn suddenly growing out of a person's head. I can't bear it, it's like hell!
"Why are you such a rascal!" Fang Fang raised his hand and gave the child a mouthful.

The child was beaten and cried, clutching his lower body and aggrievedly pleading, "I'm holding back my urine."

"Get out!" Gao Yang kicked the child's ass.

I was already late, so I was not in a hurry. I walked slowly along the shade of the acacia tree on the bicycle path, hoping to wait until the first class was over before entering the school gate.

She came out of the Muxidi subway station, came towards me obliquely, and turned into the building area at the intersection in front. At that time, there were no tall buildings on both sides of Muxidi Avenue, so she was always in my field of vision.

Her walking posture is very attractive, the twisting of each joint is very rhythmic, and the skirt fluttering in the wind seems to be deliberately teasing, giving people a hint of affection.She is indeed born with a charming temperament, and the word "sexy" did not exist at that time.

I was drawn behind her magnetic figure like a speck of iron filings.

After the night raid that night, I became very confident in myself.I feel that I am already a qualified little "joke" who can act like a real "hard boss", and a real "hard boss" is not afraid of being single-handed.

My trick to overcoming timidity is this: close your eyes.

I approached her quickly and called her from behind: "Hey, hello..."

She didn't stop, but turned her face slightly and glanced back quickly.

"Wait, I have something to tell you." I said to her in a childish voice, and rushed in front of her to stop her.

She walked past me, eyeing me curiously.

"Wait, don't go, listen to me!" I was in a hurry, my schoolbag slapped my crotch, and stopped in front of her again.

She stopped hesitantly, looked at me in bewilderment, and then she smiled.

Her smile broke, I blushed, and I forgot all the words I had memorized in my stomach. Knowing that it was a cliché, I had no choice but to recite it and said:
"I seem to have seen you somewhere."

"Come on, little hairy boy, how old are you to do this?" She held back a smile and continued to walk forward, after walking a few steps, she looked back at me with a smile on her face.

I laughed too, her smile encouraged me, I felt my skin suddenly thickened, I caught up with her and said to her:
"Aren't you from the building in front?"

"Are you a student in that middle school?" She frowned and quickened her pace.

"I saw you at the Dongfeng Market Police Station." I said loudly to her.

She stopped immediately as if stepping on a nail on the sole of her foot, and turned to look at me, seemingly at a loss.

"Why is your memory so bad?"

She blushed like I did just now.I leaned up to her furtively and said:
"Shall we talk under the shade of the tree over there? There are people watching us along the way."

She quickly glanced at the passing old lady, and said to me coldly:

"If you have anything to say, just say it here."

"Can I meet you?" I said sincerely.

"I don't think it's necessary."

"Let's make friends." I said this sentence very old and skillful.

She laughed "puchi", probably she had heard this sentence thousands of times, and she found it amusing to say it solemnly from such a child half a head shorter than her today.

"You look like a bad boy at first glance."

"What's the harm in getting to know each other? You can be my sister."

"Go and meet your sister elsewhere." She turned around and wanted to leave.

"If you don't know me, I'll beat you!" I threatened her.

She looked at me mockingly, "Can you beat me?" After she finished speaking, she left me and walked forward.

I looked at her back in frustration and wanted to scold her a few words, but it was too close to the school gate and there were people coming and going on the road, so I was afraid of causing a dispute, so I might not be able to take advantage of it.

Just let her go like this?I know that if I let her go this time, I won't have the courage to strike up a conversation with her next time I meet again.

At this time, I saw her slow down, stopped more than ten meters away, turned around and beckoned me:

"Come here, kid."

I grinned and ran over almost bouncing.

"How old are you?" she asked me.

"Sixteen." I said an extra year.

"Are you lying to me?" She also laughed, "How can you be 16 years old? Are you one year old?"

"How old are you?" I asked her.

"Anyway, older than you, Nineteen." She looked at me thoughtfully, "Do you really want to recognize me as your sister?"

"Really. When I saw you... how should I put it, I thought you were like my sister."

She pursed her lips and smiled: "do you have a sister?"

"No, only one brother."

"If you want to recognize me as your sister, then listen to me."

"Guaranteed to be obedient."

"Don't mess around, don't go chasing girls on the street again from now on."

"This is really the first time for me." I'm telling the truth.

"Who would believe it!" She curled her lips, "You look like a little idiot—what's your name?"

I told her my name, and she also told me that her name was Milan. I didn't connect her with the name Yu Beibei mentioned.

I asked her if she was always away from home.

"How did you know?"

I was happy to play the role of omniscient and omnipotent at that age.I told her that I not only knew the unit and number of her house, but also what her parents looked like and what brand of bicycle they were riding.

"It seems that you really know a lot about me."

Milan told me that she works far from the city, so she doesn't come home very often.She was sick for a while, so she was at home every day.I asked her what illness she was suffering from, but she refused to tell me, and told me not to inquire.He also said that it was actually not a serious illness, but he just didn't like to go to work, so he gave a leave of absence to stay at home.She took the initiative to explain to me that she was arrested and taken to the police station that day, which was purely inexplicable.She had just returned home from the suburbs and wanted to go to Wangfujing to buy a catty of wool. When she met a classmate and said hello, she was arrested together.

"Are you wearing lipstick?" I asked her.

"I never wear lipstick." She pouted her lips to show me, "I'm just born red."

I didn't want to go to class at first, but after talking for a while, Milan kicked me away, telling me to go to play with her after school.I want to make an appointment with her for the time and place of the next meeting. According to my opinion, it is best to be at the gate of Beihai Park or Zhongshan Park.

Milan smiled and said, "Forget it, why go to that kind of place? Don't you know my family? If you want to find me, just knock on my door. I'm basically at home every day."

I said to her solemnly: "I don't like dealing with other people's adults."

"My parents are very nice people and never question my guests."

She put her hands on my shoulders, turned me around, and gently pushed me towards the school gate:
"Let's go, don't be reluctant."

I walked to the school gate and looked back.She stood in front of her building and smiled at me from a distance, one of the few touching smiles I've ever gotten in my life.

Every time, with excitement and joy, I climbed to the top floor and knocked on the door of her house in three steps and two steps.Either there was no one in the room after knocking for a long time, or her father or mother responded in response and asked, "Who is it?" I was so scared that I ran away on tiptoe along the stairs.

The steps of those stairs are full of filth and phlegm, and there are broken bamboo baskets and cardboard boxes piled up at every corner, and sometimes two children sitting there playing with cigarette boxes or popsicle sticks. humiliation.

It's like a thrifty leopard hangs its prey on a tree and stores it, but when it comes back again, the prey is gone.I am furious at Milan!I think this is her intentional deception and contempt for me!
In my teenage years, my emotions didn't flow like a graduated cough syrup bottle, and I often overreacted to the little things, either with indifference or gut-wrenching, with gaps between them.This is also similar to a beast, as long as it is kept in a cage, it is safe for viewing. Once released, it will immediately threaten all life.

The class that day is very important, and the teacher is assigning the review scope for the final exam.The reason why I didn’t attend many classes and passed the exams every time was all due to my attentive listening in these few classes and my follow-up afterward.That day I was drawing a text on the textbook that needed to be recited, and suddenly I couldn't hold back. The two circles and a straight line on the cover of the math textbook made me shake violently like a test tube in the hands of a chemistry teacher.It was a first-hand experience of the shielding and manipulation of human physiological functions by spiritual effects.I became deaf all of a sudden. I watched the teacher on the podium, and I could hear the birds chirping and the cars outside the window, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying.

I must see Milan immediately!Even if it's for a good grade.

That's all I can think of.This idea has even become an urgent physical need, like a person who is urgent to urinate or feels uncontrollable vomiting due to motion sickness.

Both the classmates and the teacher noticed my pale face, so they were not surprised that I hurried out of the classroom. The teacher even asked me if I wanted to find a classmate to accompany me to the school doctor's office, but I refused, and I couldn't say a word.

As I walked towards Milan's house, I was filled with disgust for her.I instinctively resist being in such a state of domination.I was not so much eager to meet her as I was trying to get rid of her, as we always have to see a dying relative for the last time.

She was home, I felt it without knocking.There was no sign, the smell, the music, the soft footsteps, helped my hunch, but I just expected it exactly.It's not actually an amazing intuition, it's just a strong expectation that I believed to be true, and the fact happened to coincide with this expectation.

As soon as I knocked on the door twice, there were rustling footsteps in the room that only young girls can be so light, and then she stuck behind the door and asked in a very close voice: "Who is it?"

She opened the door, hugged the door leaf and looked at me. After a while, she recognized me and said with a smile, "It's you."

Then she let me in.She was washing her hair and it was dripping wet from the kitchen to the door.

At this time, I heard her mother's voice from another room, "Who's here?"

"Is your mother home?" I immediately became nervous.

"She's sick and didn't go to work—it's me." She said loudly to the room, and then to me, "You go to my room first, and I'll finish washing your hair."

After she finished speaking, she went back to the kitchen, and the kitchen immediately heard the sound of running water from the faucet.

I went into her sun-drenched room and found myself smiling in the mirror, the embarrassing symptoms gone, healed of itself, without even the tiniest scar or mange, as if it had never happened.

I went to the kitchen and leaned against the door frame to watch her wash her hair.From another corner, in another room with the door open, her mother was lying on a bed covered with a mat, covered with a large towel.

Her hair is very long and plentiful. When she soaps and scrubs, she has to leave the sink, bend over and stand on the ground, holding the hanging strands of hair with both hands and rubbing them.All I can see is a black waterfall.

"Why didn't you go to class?" She asked me while washing.

"The teacher is sick, so I changed to self-study in the morning, so I slipped out." I said casually, without realizing that I was lying.

"Have you come to see me?"

"No." This was deliberately concealed, "Our courses are very tight recently, and the final exam is coming soon, so we don't have time to find you."

"I'm still thinking, how can I disappear after meeting someone once? Is it because I recognized my sister elsewhere and got stuck."

After rubbing her hair, she tossed her long hair up and grabbed it with one hand, revealing her pink face, straightened up and said with a smile, "I haven't met anyone recently?"

"From what you're saying, it seems like I don't do anything but walk the streets."

I took the initiative to take the kettle on the gas stove and said, "Let me wash it for you."

"Okay, add some cold water." She leaned down in front of the sink and waited.

I took a pot full of water and poured it over her pocket, "Is it hot?"

"Yes." She indicated the direction, "Pour it here."

Because of her tall stature, even though I was bent over, I had to lift the kettle very high with both hands to reach it. Fortunately, as the water poured out, the kettle became lighter and lighter.

She twisted the thick and heavy hair with both hands as if twisting a bed sheet, then twisted the hair out of the thread, stood up like a braid, and quickly coiled several times in front of her forehead to form an ancient girl's head. The whole movement is done in one go, and the twisting of the waist and arms draws dexterous and moving curves and arcs, which fascinates me.

This hair bun hanging heavily on her forehead refreshes her whole image, presenting a unique charm that is different from all modern girls, just like the different effects of Song porcelain and glassware.

"Look stupid?" She wiped my eyes with her wet hands.

"Why don't you usually comb your hair like this? How pretty." She mopped the wet floor to my feet, and I took a step back.

"What did that become? Did you see someone combing their hair like this on the street? If there is the first one, I will be the second."

She wiped the floor again, leaning on the mop leaning on her side, smiling at me as she stood on the wet ground where the sun shone brightly.

Back in her room, she untied her hair in a bun to let it dry as quickly as possible.She was barefoot wearing slippers and applying balm to her face, hands and forearms in front of the mirror, and the whole room was filled with a rich fragrance and the smell of damp hair.The afternoon sun was already a little hot, and she was a little fat, so she was afraid of the heat, so she drew the dark green curtains.Immediately there was a secretive and secretive atmosphere in the house, like walking on the street wearing sunglasses, feeling a bit calm and involuntarily giving birth to a bit evil.

I am ashamed of myself for extending this simple gesture to implied seduction.

She took off her shoes and went to bed, sat with her legs stretched out against the head of the bed, and vigorously fanned the folding paper fan in her hand. Despite this, she was still sweating from the heat, and she used her hands to tug at the neckline and sleeves that were attached to her body from time to time.

"Why is it so hot today? It's only a few months." She grumbled and complained.

"Can you swim?"

"No. I'm afraid of water, and I'll never learn it. Will you?"

"I'll show you someday."

"That's great, you can save me someday when I fall into the water."

We chatted one after another.I looked at the picture in the frame on the table and compared it to her sitting on the bed.I always feel that there is a difference between her and the photo. Although it is not quite a different person, I always feel that something is cut off and something is strongly highlighted.This is an indescribable misalignment, and the consistency found in parts of the facial features adds to the feeling of uncertainty.This may be caused by the difference in expression and posture between that moment and that, or the difference in color reproduction between human eyes and photographic paper, and the two different ways of processing materials with single focus and non-stop scanning, or it may be that what I see before and after is not the same. a photo.

"Do you have another picture?" I asked. "In a swimsuit."

"No, I haven't been photographed in a swimsuit." Then she wondered, "When did you ever see a photo of me in a swimsuit?"

"Yes, you must have one. It is also in color. It was placed on your desk."

"Nonsense." She laughed, thinking I was joking with her, "You can take pictures of me later."

I begged to see her album.She refused, saying she didn't have an album.

I sat on her bed and continued to beg. I didn't dare to get too close to her, and carefully kept a physical distance from her, lest this gesture be aggressive and arouse her resentment.

"You are so terrible, what is there to see, people are not enough?" She got out of bed and took out a satin-covered photo album from the drawer and threw it to me. She sat down at the table and looked at herself in the mirror. fan.

I flipped through the album page by page, and the photos inside were all black and white, most of them were photos of her and her family and friends in scenic spots, dressed in ordinary clothes, with a serene expression, many of them were frowning in the strong sunlight, none of them were Grooming and coy.

I took down a solo photo of her in front of my building and said, "Give this to me."

She glanced back and said briefly, "No, why do you want my photo?"

I put the photo in my jacket pocket, and she came over to grab it, "It's really not good, I'll just take this one."

I dodged her, like a martial artist, blocking her hand that was reaching out to my chest, "What's the matter with giving me a picture?"

"Don't do it, give it back to me." She was a little annoyed, grabbed my shirt collar, and pulled the photo out of my breast pocket.

She was so strong, and her push made me sit back on the bed.

"Not happy?" she asked me with a smile.

In fact, I'm not angry, just a little confused.

"Don't be upset, really." She snorted at my head, "You're not good at taking pictures of girls."

So I laughed, really wanting to grab that photo just to let her twist me again.

"I'll give you a ballpoint pen." She rummaged in the drawer, found a two-color ballpoint pen with a push button that was very rare at the time, and handed it to me.

I took it over happily, with a very aggrieved look on my face.

Her mother came in sickly, supported her waist, and stood at the door looking at me with some surprise.

I stood up from the edge of the bed, my face flushed red.

"Are you bullying other people's children?" Mom asked her.

"No, we were just kidding," she said with a smile.

I knew that it was dangerous for me to let it go on like this. Whenever I fooled around from her house, I fell into deep anxiety, determined to make up for the neglected homework with redoubled efforts.But when he got home, even if he sat in front of the textbook until late at night, he would spend it with his mind full of wild thoughts about her.Her every frown and smile became the equation I worked tirelessly to solve.This kind of dreaming day and night made me physically and mentally exhausted, and I often woke up listless after sleeping all night.Incapable of mastery, I must at last indulge myself, and experience at once the great pleasure of self-indulgence.

I treated that upcoming exam fatally.

I went to Milan's house to meet her almost every day.I took the smile she always wore on her face as a sign that she liked her, so I was extra chatty and beaming.Let's talk about Soviet Russian literature and two hundred popular foreign folk songs.In order to show my extraordinaryness, I often brag about the ridiculous things I did with my gang of cronies.I put a lot of things that other people did on my own head, exaggerated and exaggerated, and told them to make her smile.My only regret is that she never applauded me with amazement, having become such a daring brigand for my age.To know that these things have shocked all decent people ten years later.

During that time, I laughed the most times in my life, and some of the wrinkles on my face came out at that time.

Sometimes, we will be relatively silent, she seldom talks about herself, and I am like an inexperienced young teacher, talking about the content of a class in 10 minutes like a machine gun.

She stared at me, staring straight into my eyes with those eyes that were as sharp as an awl and as deep as a secluded pool.I often see my words dissolve when they reach my mouth, and I am at a loss with a smirk.I also tried to return her with the same gaze. At that time, our staring became a contest of wills. In all likelihood, I was overwhelmed and lowered my eyes.Until now, I have been quite flirtatious and have considerable control, but I still can't get used to being stared at.Too focused staring often makes me doubt myself, which always contains too complicated emotions.Even an unintentional and extremely clear glance will make the person being watched uneasy and even introspective, which destroys the tacit understanding.I take that as an offense.

She was content with the power of her eyes, which seemed to her a kind of tempering of her own charm, and it might be said that she demeaned me with her eyesight.

I just sat so pitifully, not daring to speak or look at her, expecting her to relieve my predicament with a warm smile.Sometimes she would do this, more often her eyes would turn to contemplation, and she would indulge in her personal reverie for a long time.Then I feel abandoned, I feel superfluous.If I had been more or less mature then, I would have walked away knowingly, but I cherished every minute and every second with her so much that I never thought of leaving voluntarily.

In order to give me more reasons to come and go to her house, I even abandoned my prejudice against adults to please her parents.I earnestly put on a well-behaved face, showing some naive and shy shyness.I tried my best to appear younger than my age in order to gain affection and kindness.

So far I don’t know if I’ve done it successfully. That couple has always been polite to me but never close. Maybe they saw through me at that time.

Summer noon makes people drowsy.Sometimes she fell silent while talking to me, and fell asleep lying on the bed, with the fan in her hand covering her face or falling under the bed.I just sat at the table and listened to the cicadas chirping outside the window, casually flipping through the books on her bookshelf, trying not to look at her unintentionally exposed body due to sleep.

At that time, I really thought of myself as her younger brother, living in the same room with her. I yearned for that pure, intimate and natural relationship. I imagined all kinds of scenes of playing, acting like a baby, and being attached and caring for each other.

I couldn't be more infatuated with this family.

After I met Milan, I hardly had time to play with my buddies.

Our fight had consequences.The child who was beaten had more than 30 stitches on his head. His father was very familiar with the police at the police station. The police officers from the police station arrested Wang Ruohai and Gao Jin and detained them for [-] days. child.I was spared because I went to another school and was away during the day.

After the courtyard found out about this incident, all parents of children who participated in this incident were named and reprimanded at the cadre meeting.Almost all the children were beaten when they returned home.Xu Xun and Fang Fang went outside to spend the night.One evening, I took the tram home and saw the two of them hanging out by the moat of the Forbidden City.

In the evenings of those days, we were all strictly controlled at home, and it was not easy to go out.

Yu Beibei also fled to other places on the night of the incident.

Soon, we started the final exams. I managed to pass the exams in Chinese, politics, and history with my understanding and nonsense skills, but I had to cheat in mathematics, physics, and chemistry by copying the papers of the students at the next table.In the end, I passed all of them, and some of them got high marks, which made me proud of my intelligence.

After taking the last class, I ran to Milan's house to look for her.An old lady came to her house, probably her grandmother, who spoke difficult southern dialect and said that Milan was away and went shopping for groceries.

I walked around the vegetable market with my schoolbag on my back, and found that she was carrying a net bag of eggs and two hairtails, and was standing in front of the vegetable counter picking eggplants and tomatoes.

"You still buy vegetables, like a little housewife." I said to her with a smile after seeing her.

"Little housewife is a little housewife, what do you eat if you don't buy vegetables?" She put the tomatoes on the weighing pan, and the salesman deliberately put a few bad ones on them, rolled her eyes and said, "The tomatoes sold here are not allowed to eat." pick."

She didn't care and paid the money anyway.

We walked out of the vegetable market, and she invited me to drink iced soda in front of the soda cooler.

"We have summer vacation the day after tomorrow."

"I'm still happy as a student, and I still have two vacations every year." She said, sipping her soda and looking at me.

"If I don't go to school, I may not be able to come every day."

"Where are you going to play?"

I was disappointed that she didn't show any regret that I couldn't come every day.

"Not going anywhere, swimming, playing basketball." I finished a bottle of soda and played with the straw.

There was still more than half of the yellow soda in her bottle.

"My leave is almost full, and it's time to go to work again." She seemed a little depressed.

"You go to our place to play." I invited her enthusiastically, and then blew to her about the fun of our courtyard and the fun of my friends.

"I don't want to know you little bad boys," she said with a smile.

"Come on." I begged her, "If you don't want to know them, just say they are looking for me. Really, our courtyard is like a park. Hey, you can take pictures." My eyes lit up.

She smiled, "Let's talk." She returned the soda bottle, took the deposit and walked home.

I went to the scorching sun with her, "Stop talking, it will be difficult to contact by then-sure!"

"Okay, let's say some day." She agreed with a smile.

Two classmates from our class came in front of me. I quickly avoided her and pretended not to know her.

Back in the courtyard, it was not yet two o'clock in the afternoon.There was no sound in the courtyard, and every household was taking a nap.

I saw Wei Ning coming out of his house wearing slippers, passing through the palace gate and rushing along the veranda to the backyard.

I call him.He kept walking and said to me, "Gao Jin and Wang Ruohai are back."

I hurriedly followed him and came to Gao Jin's home together. All my buddies were there, and I was listening to Gao Jin's performance in the detention center with great interest: "The prisoners in our cell are all fighting, and only one of them dumps food." One of the offenders on the ticket made us squeeze right..."

Gao Jin shaved his bald head in the detention center, and now he has grown a layer of green stubble. His thick head and thick head are ridiculous, and his expression and posture are completely heroic.

He sat on the three-drawer table, his legs dangling, dusting cigarette ash all over the place.

"Wang Ruohai, I already know him, Te Chuer, I'll pay for it as soon as I go in. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be able to break it at all."

"It's his business..." Gao Yang said angrily.

"Forget it, it's from the same hospital." Gao Jin said tolerantly, "It's over if we don't have trouble with him in the future."

"Did you go in and get beaten?" Wei Ning asked.

"Dare!" Gao Jin glared, "The police are very polite to me. As soon as I went in, I told them: 'If you want to beat me, I'll bang my head against the wall for you to see'. It scared them all."

After Gao Jin finished smoking a cigarette, everyone took out their own cigarettes for him to smoke.

I also wanted to smoke one from Xu Xun's cigarette case, but was reprimanded by him: "You always smoke cigarettes, and I have never seen you buy one."

I think after two days and two nights of brushing, each of them has become a bit arrogant.

"What's the matter, I'll return you a box later." Not to be outdone, I insisted on taking a cigarette from Xu Xun's hand and lighting it.My heart was pounding, for fear that he would turn against me.

"What have you been up to lately? Why haven't I seen you for so long?" Gao Yang asked me.

"I can't find you, I'm just playing by myself." I acted like a lone ranger, "I made an appointment for you guys tomorrow, and I just took a photo at Xidan shopping mall."

In fact, I call Milan the "circle", without the insulting meaning contained in this derogatory name itself, but just as a third-person pronoun for women.At that time, there were no more pleasant titles for women. If I didn't call her "lesbian", I had to call her "that woman" dryly.

Sure enough, everyone's attention and interest were transferred to me, and I became a hero who made a difference during this period.

If I don't want to be regarded as a good boy who only obeys and does what adults tell me, I have to show the abilities that mark a mature adult man: bravery in combat and irresistible appeal to the opposite sex.Fake it if necessary.

When I waited for Milan at the gate of the courtyard, my vanity was greatly satisfied.My friends had no doubts that I was acquainted and controlled this "circle" in the usual way.

I anxiously waited for the shuttle bus to go to work in the courtyard in the afternoon to leave as soon as possible. I didn't want my father to see that I had hooked up with a woman.

The shuttle left on time.I became confident and stood at the gate with my neck stretched out to look around.I even hope that the girls of the same age in the courtyard who pass by will stay and watch my date with such a tall and beautiful woman.

Twenty or ten minutes after the agreed time, she appeared at the other end of the alley in a direction I hadn't expected.At that time, I was already thinking wildly, taking all kinds of accidents, natural disasters and man-made disasters into consideration, and Wei Ning, who was waiting with me at the door, also laughed at me for being "spoofed".At this time, I saw her, strode to the center of the gate, raised her right arm high, and stood there like a goddess commonly seen in European and American port cities.

It took her a while to notice me, and she walked straight towards me.I lowered my arms and looked at her with mixed emotions: I was expecting her to have a dazzling reappearance, at least she should be heavily made up and gorgeous, and it would be enough to give my friends the same fascination as I did when I first saw her.But she didn't appreciate my painstaking efforts at all, and she came here dressed in a mess in my opinion, and she didn't wear an umbrella or sunglasses, and her face was so red as a boiled crab all the way. Call me How can I do it?

I really don't like how she is so ordinary, the effect is all gone.

She approached me with a smile on her face, "Sorry, I was on time, but I got lost, the alleys here are so hard to find."

I looked at her critically, without showing any enthusiasm, and introduced Wei Ning to her coldly.

"Hello." She lowered her head and shook hands with the short Wei Ning.

The two of us took her to the courtyard, and she looked at the garden buildings all the way and praised, "Your place is really beautiful."

The adults and children we met on the road all looked sideways at us.She didn't realize it, "This courtyard is quite deep, and there are quite a lot of people living there."

Wei Ning quietly said to me: "Yes, it is enough to float."

"She didn't dress well today. You haven't seen her in the usual way, so she's just floating—otherwise I wouldn't shoot her!"

We took her to the rockery, and they all smoked in the pavilion above, and I swear they saw us go up the hill before they put on such a casual pose.

When Gao Jin saw Milan, he said, "I've seen you."

The others were haughty, and they masked their agitation with heavy smoking and rough manners.Milan is big in terms of height and size. Our gang includes Fangfang No. [-], who is the strongest. Sitting between us is a bit like a giraffe mixed with a herd of sika deer.

"Are you on the same farm as Yu Beibei?" Gao Jin asked.

"Yes." Milan nodded, she seemed a little reluctant to mention her work unit.

"Yu Beibei knows us very well," Gao Jin said.

"Really, she knows a lot of people." Milan smiled and turned to look at the scenery around the rockery. "This rockery is big enough, and there are two pavilions over there."

The popsicles from the popsicle shop in the courtyard were made, and the old lady selling popsicles passed down the mountain with a popsicle cart.I went down the mountain and bought half a carton of red bean popsicles, and I went up to share with everyone.

Xu Xun and Fang Fang were fighting, and saw some children playing slingshots in the pavilion over there, so they went to grab a slingshot gun each, and shot each other among the rocks and trees, chasing the children. You have to run all over the mountain.

I also went to another pavilion and snatched a child's slingshot gun, searched out all the paper bullets in his pocket, and led a group of children to start a confrontation with Xu Xun and Fang Fang.

I hoped that Milan would be appreciated by her friends, and I would be more satisfied if they could conceive the idea of ​​seducing her.I also hope that Milan will be interested in my friends, and I hope they can talk more and get to know each other better.I have good reason to believe that my position is unassailable, so I am happy to be generous and chic, and let others think that I don't care.

I was relieved to see Milan and the two Gao brothers who stayed in the pavilion chatting calmly and with great interest.

A kid under my command ambushed Fang Fang according to the principle of fighting, hit him in the face with a paper bullet, and hurt him.Fang Fang became anxious, caught up with the child and slapped his ears left and right. The child was beaten and cried, and the slingshot had to be stopped.

A few of us went to another booth to smoke and catch our breath.They looked at Milan who was chatting with Gao Jin and Gao Yang in the pavilion in the middle, and commented frivolously and meanly: "It's a circle at first glance, and my ass has been fucked."

I thought their comments were extremely unfair and selfishly felt that even my feelings were tarnished, but you can't defend a woman in front of your buddies, so I laughed along.

"Do you think she is pretty?" Xu Xun asked me.

"That's it." I said with my face up.

"There are gangs of women like this in Tiananmen Square."

"Hey, I just think she's rich. Every time we go to the ice room, she invites me."

"Did you move her?"

"Do you think I'll be idle?"

"Hey, I'll send you one tomorrow." Xu Xun patted me on the shoulder and said, "It's much better than this, Teshui."

Milan laughed in the distance, with his head thrown back, his face full of joy, while Gao Jin and Gao Yang had smirks on their faces.

After a while, laughter came, and they were talking affectionately again.

Milan gesticulated and said something, looked around, glanced at us, and continued to talk to Gao Jin and the others.

I suddenly felt uneasy. "Let's go there?" I suggested to everyone.

"What were you doing in the past? It's so boring, I might as well just sit here." Fang Fang started fighting with Xu Xun again.They compared each other's physical strength, stood up and dragged to the center of the pavilion, finally Fang Fang twisted Xu Xun's arm behind his back, and asked with a smile, "Are you convinced?"

Xu Xun jumped around in circles with one arm behind him and shouted loudly, "I've got it, I've got it."

As soon as Fang Fang let go of his hand, he counterattacked and locked Fang Fang's throat, calling me: "Come up and help me." I put the cigarette in my mouth, and stepped forward to hold Fang Fang's arm that was desperately pounding backwards. , twisting his wrists backwards, while kicking his forked foot hard on the ground.

That foot was finally kicked loose by me, Fang Fang lost his balance and sat on his buttocks.

Xu Xun and I let go of him and ran straight to the pavilion in the middle, with Fang Fang chasing after us.

We laughed and ran into the pavilion in the middle, and Fang Fang chased after us.I beg for forgiveness first: "Shut it up, don't make trouble."

"Play a bowl."

I stuck out my head and let him flick it hard on the forehead. Wiping my sweat, I sat down next to Milan with a smile and watched him go after Xu Xun.

He caught up with Xu Xun in front of the stone steps of another pavilion, twisting him so that he rushed back screaming "Ouch".

"Convinced everyone—speak louder!"

"Convinced!" Xu Xun jumped up.

Milan watched us making trouble with a smile, and when he heard what Gao Jin said, he moved his head forward and pricked up his ears: "What did you say?"

"Someday you can play the pipa for us."

"Okay." She sat up straight and said, "I'll recite the pipa someday."

"If you can play the violin, that's fine. My dad and his military art troupe are short of violins."

"Can you play the pipa but not the violin?" Wei Ning asked.

"Two things," Milan said, "one is a plucked string instrument, and the other is a string instrument, which makes a bow."

"You don't want to go to his father's art troupe." Xu Xun said, "You have to let his father ruin it first."

Milan just smiled, and Gao Yang grabbed Xu Xun's arm and asked Fang Fang, "Do you still have to treat him?"

Xu Xun jumped away and fled to the side, "The arm is twisted off the ring." Then he said to me, "Do you think his father is more expensive than them?"

"That's right, it's a lot of flowers." I said with a smile.

Gao Yang chased and beat Xu Xun, but Xu Xun punched him with various uppercuts and swings, "Come on, come on."

Gao Yang also used various boxing moves to parry, and the two fought back and forth for several rounds, smiling and closing their moves together to light a cigarette.

Gao Yang sat back with a cigarette in his hand and said, "The real one is actually Fang Fang's father. Has your father been demoted because of his style?"

"Forget it, my dad doesn't have that ability." Fang Fang said.

"Anyway, I know your father and two wives, and you have a big brother in your hometown."

"Then Wei Ning's father married three times, and one of them was the daughter of a landlord."

"Dad is dead, why are you still talking about him?"

"You have to criticize that thought even after you die." Everyone laughed and said.

"Do you want to be a soldier?" I asked Milan, who was listening and smiling.

"Hmm." She said flatly.

"Why don't you test 'comrades in arms'?"

"I'm still taking the general administration exam."

I made a fuss about it, and kept silent.

"Hey, you can play the pipa, so you must also play the guitar?" Xu Xun said to Milan.

"Then it's okay to play a few chords and sing along."

"Then I have a guitar at home, let me bring it and you play "The Hawthorn Tree" for us."

"Okay, are you making trouble?" I said Xu Xun.

"At night." Gao Jin stared at Milan and said, "Don't leave at night, let's go to the rockery to sing."

"You can't stay home at night, can you?" I asked Milan.

"That doesn't matter. I told my family to go back to the farm when I came out today. The problem is, where will I stay if I don't walk at night?"

"Don't worry, we have plenty of places to live here." Xu Xun said with a smile, "You can live in whoever you want."

"Then I'll pick one." Milan smiled.

"Just pick me." Xu Xun patted his chest, "It's cool in my place."

Everyone laughed, and Milan also laughed, giving Xu Xun a wink.

"Hey." She turned her head and said to me, "Can your house wash your face? I think my face is very dirty, and the wind has been blowing all afternoon."

"Why did you say you want to live with us so casually?" I complained to her on the way.

"What's the matter? Isn't it good?"

"Of course not." I said, raising my voice.When I entered the house, I washed her face with water. There was not much hot water in the thermos. When I poured it into the basin, I accidentally poured water and alkali into it, "Do you know who we are here?"

"I see that all the children in your yard are quite honest." She washed her face with the clean water on the top, slid the soap bone in her hand, smeared soap foam in one hand, and rubbed her fingers carefully, "I heard you said that I thought How bad they are."

"You think, oh, bad has to be written on the forehead?"

She remained silent and began to wash her face.

"Do you often live with men you don't know?" When I handed her my towel, I couldn't help but sarcastically said to her.

She was startled for a moment, took the towel and gave me a sharp look, then wiped her face, "Are you angry?"

"No." I said angrily, "I just feel..."

I wanted to say that she was frivolous and cheap, but I felt that it was too heavy to say, and I might offend her, so I asked instead:

"What did Gao Jin talk to you about?"

"I didn't talk much, just said that I want to be a soldier and he can help me."

"Why didn't I know you wanted to be a soldier? You never told me. Why did you tell him the first time you saw him? You know him quickly enough."

"Let's talk nonsense, let's start talking. What do you want to do? Why sit? You asked me to come, and you ignored me when I came. You went to play slingshot with the child by yourself, and you still said it."

What she said made me feel very comfortable, and I couldn't help laughing, "I don't have the nerve to talk to you in front of them."

"What's the matter? We have nothing to do with each other." She picked out the facial oil box on the window sill, "Which one did your mother make?"

I pointed out a brand of cream, and she opened the cap and sniffed it, then dug a finger and applied it on the tip of her nose, forehead, and cheeks.

"Actually, I also think it's quite boring. Since he said he can help me, I'll take advantage of him. I really want to be a soldier. I have wanted to since I was a child. Unfortunately, our family is from a local area and there is no way out."

She rubbed the dots of cream, turned around and asked me: "Do you think he will help me?"

"Yes." I said, "As long as his father nods, it should be no problem to join their army's art troupe. I'll ask you later—how do you play the pipa?"

"The problem is that I don't play the pipa well." She turned around and said to me with a smile.

At this time, I heard the door knock, my father came in, and Milan appeared behind him with a briefcase.

At that time, my head buzzed, and the blood all over my body splashed densely on my face like a stone thrown into a dye vat.Why didn't he come back early before get off work time?
Milan gave me a surprised look, then turned around and saw my dad.She was also a bit embarrassed, but she was basically calm and said hello to my father with a smile: "Hello, uncle."

I stammered and explained, "This is, this is our teacher."

Milan gave me a strange look and said nothing.

My father took a look at Milan, looked at me with that kind of calm and insightful eyes, and said to Milan:
"You come with me."

Milan gave me a puzzled look, and there was nothing I could do. She bowed her head and went with my father to his room.

I heard faint conversations coming from my dad's room.Father's voice is very thick, word by word, sounding very organized and confident; Milan's voice is murmured and incoherent, sometimes jumping out a few clear words.

I was ashamed and anxious, and gradually developed a kind of uncontrollable anger. I really wanted to pick up some heavy and solid thing and throw it in, expressing my feelings with an astonishing "clang" sound and the result of smashing the ground.Of course, in stark contrast to my raging emotions was my physical immobility.

After a while, they came out of the room, both very serious.

"I'm leaving, Uncle." Milan said politely to his father.

Father nodded, turned and went back to the room.

I hastily stepped forward and whispered to Milan who opened the door, "What did he tell you?"

"Teach me a lesson." Milan whispered, and hurried along the corridor.

I turned around and saw my father coming out of his room with a stack of documents, pointing at me and saying, "Don't go out, I'll talk to you when I come back tonight."

After all, he went out and went to work again.

I hurried back to the room and opened the window to call Milan, who was walking to the bottle-shaped door leading to the backyard from the garden veranda, "Hey, hey."

She looked back and saw me, walked down the veranda, walked over the moss-covered ground, stood outside my window and looked into the house:
"Your father is gone?"

"Let's go, are you coming in?"

"I don't dare to go to your house anymore." She stuck out her tongue and said with a smile, "Your father is really amazing."

"Is he good with you?"

"That's not true, the attitude is quite kind. Ask me what relationship I have with you, how I met, who are my parents, and where do I live?"

"My dad is so annoying!" I said through gritted teeth. "Did you tell him?"

"What's there to hide?" She smiled and said, "He also cares about you, and is afraid that you will learn from others."

"Why don't you say it's my teacher?" I blamed her.

"Then how can I cheat? It doesn't look like it. Besides, there is no need to deceive people."

"Oh." I sighed and stamped my feet in the room, "I was caught by him again."

When the neighbor's window slammed, a piece of glass was thrown.Milan turned his head and walked away, pointing to the window next door, "Someone is listening."

"You go..." I opened my mouth silently, and pointed to the direction of the rockery.

She nodded and disappeared around the cypress bushes.

I nodded too, kept nodding, and then turned around in my own home.

In the evening, after dinner, I had a long talk with my father, mostly listening, occasionally being asked to explain my motives.I thought my father would criticize me, but unexpectedly his attitude was sincere, and he didn't speak harshly. He was basically eloquent and persuasive.He warned me not to get a girlfriend too early, and to devote all my energy to studying when I was young.We must set up lofty ideals and have our own goals in life. Of course, this goal is nothing else, but the only one at that time: to be a reliable successor to the revolutionary cause.He said he and a lot of other people I didn't know had big expectations of me.It seemed that they decided that I would be a great person in the future, which at the time I was not at all sure of myself.

I was not moved at all, not because the teacher was not sincere or the reasoning was not convincing, but I couldn't be moved anymore.I have heard similar words no less than a thousand times from different channels, and I have been moved at least one hundred to two hundred times.It's like a magician who just pulls ducks out of empty boxes, you can't always be amazed at him.In addition, I don't think that excessive flattery and high expectations are good for a teenager. It is suspected of forcing a weak person to bear heavy burdens. The best result is to create a large number of careerists and megalomaniacs.

I waited patiently for him to use up all the rhetoric, shed a few fake tears, and went to bed with a "think it over" task.

I spent a long time in bed thinking about how to lead a large army to fight against the Soviet mechanized corps in the plains, how to fight tanks, how to fight planes, and how to master fighters and put them into the reserve team for strategic counterattack.Of course, my thinking can't be separated from Comrade Mao Zedong's people's war thought, although I doubted at the time whether tunnel warfare and landmine warfare could still be as effective under modern conditions as they were when fighting devils.

After thinking about the fierce battle, I imagined a triumphant return and a scene of joy.In addition to the chest medal of the Soviet general style, I also eagerly fantasize that I can hang stippling, hanging an arm and so on, but I will never wear a good defense green, and the worst thing is a pair of breeches!

After that, I jumped out the window.

I walked to the foot of the rockery, and heard a gentle chorus of male voices from the pavilion on the mountain, accompanied by faint guitar playing.They sang the popular Russian folk song "Troika" at that time, with simple lyrics and sad tune.In the middle of the night when the moon is bright and the stars are sparse, and the surrounding mountains and forests are rustling, the sound makes people suddenly emotional, and they can't help sighing, there is a feeling of losing pearls and jade for no reason.I am still puzzled: the national experiences of China and the Soviet Union are so similar, why the spiritual essence conveyed by the folk songs of the two countries is so different?Our folk songs are always cheerful, or they are soft and sad, and occasionally sad, but they are expressed in joy, probably all of our people are born optimists, so it is so.

I went to the pavilion, and they were singing the song "Small Road" during the Soviet Union's Great Patriotic War.They didn't stop when they saw me. Guan sang intoxicatedly, shaking his head and smiling. Everyone's eyes shone in the night, as if singing turned their eyes into phosphorous crystals.

Gao Jin pulled me to sit down beside him, motioning for me to join in and sing with everyone.Milan sat across from me, shaking his body, playing the guitar, and singing happily, encouraging me with his eyes.

They went on song after song, every song we knew.Their voices are rough, and their singing is uneven, but there is a touching and contagious atmosphere in that forgetfulness.

Although I didn't open my mouth to sing, my heart was full of passion, and the melody of each song was lingering, as happy as singing.

I noticed that Milan and Gao Jin kept looking at each other while singing, but I didn't have any jealousy or unhappiness, and singing together made each of our eyes full of affection.

I don't remember what I said that night, only the joyful impression of singing all night was left.From the fact that we didn't get up until noon the next day, we sang until the wee hours at least.I don't know whose house Milan ended up sleeping in, and it didn't seem to lead to the slightest suspicion of obscenity or erotic imagination, as evidenced by the fact that no shadow of distrust was cast between us the next day.In fact she wasn't there when we met the next day, maybe she didn't live here at all and left on the early bus.I vaguely remember that we were sitting and chatting at Gao Jin’s house, drinking very bitter and strong tea, and Milan was cuddling sleepily on the rattan sofa, looking at me or others present with dim but bright eyes.But this memory is unreliable, the scene is real, and the time may not be accurate, because she came to our hospital many times later, and we had long chats all night at Gao Jin's house or Fang Fang's house, sometimes at Wei Ning's house .

I asked Gao Jin on the veranda, maybe standing there watching the children play football, "Are you really going to let Milan go to your father's military art troupe?"

"I'm going to do her that," he answered me with unprecedented seriousness. "I think she's a good fit."

In the days that followed, my memory of the sequence of things happened was a bit confused, and the opportunity to induce the behavior was not very clear, but the scenes were undoubtedly real, although nine out of ten were incomplete.

Most of the locations of this scene are in various corners of our courtyard, some of them are on the streets, and the only ones I remember are: Dongdan, Dongsi North Street, Xisi T-junction, and Wenjin Street between the two lakes of Beihai and Zhongnanhai.

She made a phone call from the window of the reception room next to the cast iron gate with stone arches and patterned spear points in our courtyard. Gao Jin, Wei Ning and others were standing beside me.

She beamed into the microphone and said something out loud, giggling.With one hand, she tugged at the black cord, stroking it back and forth unconsciously as she listened to the other person speak.

Under the shade of the grape trellis, she stood on tiptoe to reach for a bunch of purple grapes hanging down, took off the tip one and put it between her lips to suck, looking around furtively.

I am at the other end of the corridor connected to the moon gate, and I am about to turn to the row of bungalows in my house.

On the top of the high arched ridge, we stepped on the horizontal drainage ditch, sat on fish-scale tile cylinders, and sat in a row wearing sunglasses.

In front are the large and small courtyards in the courtyard connected with each other, and there are many ridges with neat layout; in front of the right, there is a round of bright sunset trimmed with fluffy edges.

In the square below, two women were arguing, surrounded by a sparse circle of people, including soldiers and little girls.

Their vicious curses came up intermittently, high and low.

Milan is eating melon seeds, half of her face is covered by sunglasses, she looks leisurely and indifferent.

Leaning her back against the newly erected white fence at the head of the Beihai Bridge, she stretched out her hands to grab the two railings as far as she could, and stepped on the stone platform with her left foot, talking to Gao Jin intently.

Gao Jin was very close to her, with the strength to force her to stick against the iron fence.

She turned her head to one side with a dazed expression, then turned her head and smiled brightly.

The White Pagoda is extremely dazzling and huge, standing on the green Qiongdao Mountain on the other side of the clear lake behind her.

There are also some scenes whose meaning is too unclear, the images are blurred, and only the feeling stands out. I am not sure that it happened, maybe it came from the secret desire of my imagination.

I walked with her on the street on a rainy day, holding a light-transmitting sky-blue plastic umbrella, and the edge of the umbrella was dripping with weeping rain. My shoes and trouser legs were soaked, and her calf and naked body were soaked. The feet are also wet, pale and smooth as plastic in the hazy light.

I was shorter than usual, like a dwarf, and walked close to her waist.One of her hands hangs on my shoulder, her five fingers are slender like hooks.

I always want to look up at her face, but all I can see is the umbrella dome with a light blue halo formed by the sunlight, the silver stainless steel ribs radiating out, and a round, fleshy, pink and delicate chin that keeps trembling. It is in an insurmountable central position within the entire field of vision.

The cold of the rain still clings to my bare skin.

What remains are some personal memories: I opened the door of an empty room, tiptoed around the room, and took a few small denomination bills under the cold water bottle.Judging from the words written on the note pressed together with the banknote, the money was left by the mother to order milk for the child.

I probably also stole a Shanghai "Gem Flower" semi-steel watch and sold it to someone for 30 yuan, but I forgot who it was.

I needed money badly then, and I have never been so poor: broke and without any source of income.

I used the money to treat Milan and my friends to ice cream.We can't always let Milan pay for it, although she is willing to do so, and she is not as petty as some fashionable girls in gold and silver nowadays.I did have a period of soft food in the worst period, and it was quite easy to eat, which almost ruined me.But you can at least know what a sincere effort I have made to be manly in such a dangerous way.

We used to eat ice cream in a blue box with icebergs painted on it. Now this brand of cheap and good ice cream has disappeared from the market.We all love to eat a plate of creamy ice cream sold in the ice room upstairs in Xidan shopping mall. A scoop of ice cream is topped with a thick dollop of sweet cream. Later, I ate "whipped cream" in Shanghai, which tasted very similar to that.Although this kind of creamy ice cream has been sold for only [-] cents a piece, it is not something we can enjoy every day.If you can go to the "Peace Western Restaurant" in Dongfeng Market to eat an ice cream "Santoku" and "Snowman" mixed with fruit, it will be a great luxury, which is equivalent to eating a meal of Japanese food in a big restaurant. Drink a bottle of English wine and take a Finnish bath.

The two-storey western restaurant was burnt down soon, and reopened a few years later in a row of bungalows in Jinyu Alley. Later, it was demolished, and the "Wangfu Restaurant" was built on the old site.

I admit that ice cream may not be as important as steamed buns, but for some people, they would rather eat ice cream if they are hungry without steamed buns.At that time, the bourgeoisie was still coveting us outside the country.

My impressions of those days in Milan are so rich, dense, connected, intertwined, even overlapping and intertwined, inseparable. I think we often met during that time.

Why do I still have the loneliness that is hard to get rid of and the strong nostalgia that cannot be suppressed?
why am i so excitedso sensitive?so vulnerable?The sights and worlds that I have always been indifferent to, even the rustling of leaves, the whispering of birds, the shape of a cloud, the posture of a flower, a musical note, or even the silence of everything will move me deeply and bring tears to my eyes.

Is everything suddenly alive?

My father and some other staff officers in the Ministry went to Shandong Peninsula to see the topography.At that time, in addition to worrying about the Soviet mechanized corps assembled on the Sino-Mongolian border heading straight for Beijing, the military also seemed to attach great importance to the threat of landing from the sea.The landing of the Japanese army in Hangzhou Bay during the Sino-Japanese Songhu Battle and the landing of the US military in Incheon during the Korean War left a deep impression on the military personnel who made the homeland defense plan.In addition, there is another important psychological factor, which is the permanent shadow cast on the soul of every Chinese who understands modern history by the tragic experience of our country's sea defense in the past century.Chairman Mao said a famous sentence in the early days of the founding of New China: "In order to oppose imperialist aggression, we must build a strong navy!" A few years later, when I served in the naval fleet stationed in Qingdao, I saw The commanding heights are all over radar, artillery, anti-aircraft guns and missile launch bases.In the words of an important person at the time, "the navy has basically not formed combat effectiveness in the past 30 years."

Much better now!
My dad's business trip gave me a brief moment of freedom and liberation.

That day was the "August [-]st" Army Day, and there was a meal in the cafeteria, and each family gave out meal coupons.A group of us children also happily went to the dinner party and automatically gathered around a few tables.There is beer and red wine on the table, and the dishes are traditional braised pork elbows, Sixi meatballs, stewed yellow croaker and so on.We ate and drank with the soldiers and their families, toasting non-stop.At that time, my drinking capacity was very small, and I became dizzy after a few sips of wine, and everyone else was blushing and noisy.

After eating, it was already dark, I remember Yu Beibei came, and said something to Gao Jin with a straight face, it seemed to be for Wang Ruohai.She might be arguing for Wang Ruohai or Wang Ruohai asked her to speak up.After Wang Ruohai's cowardly behavior was exposed, we kept ignoring him.We have admired martyrs since childhood, can we tolerate a traitor living among us?Although he bowed his knees to the dictatorship of the proletariat, what we despise is only this kind of unfaithful behavior, just like the new dynasty, even though it also entrusted the former court with heavy responsibilities, it still mercilessly included them all in the "Second Ministers" pass".

Wang Ruohai naturally suffered from this unprecedented isolation, and he was forced to play with the younger children.Several times when we roared in and out in groups, I saw him standing aside with a group of children playing slingshots, looking at us enviously from a distance.

Yu Beibei was very excited, maybe out of sympathy, she is two years older than us, and she probably understands the words "forced by the situation" and "involuntary".I don't know how she persuaded Gao Jin, she spoke quickly, and I heard a few words, "You guys are really..." "It's too naive..." and so on.

Later, Wang Ruohai came, smiling timidly, and gave everyone cigarettes when they met.Seeing a friend who was once such a good friend become like this, we were all a little embarrassed. We wanted to be intimate with him, but we didn't know where to start, so we were all polite.

Yu Beibei showed more affection for Wang Ruohai, sat with him, lit cigarettes for him, took the initiative to find some happy words to seduce him, and even openly made out with him, touched and twisted, and for a while Put your arms around his shoulders and sit with him snuggled up to smoke.

The move now appears to have been a brave gesture.This image of her is the most vivid and indelible in my recollection.

I found out that Gao Jin was gone in the middle of the night. In fact, it was only when he came back and entered the door that I realized that he had been away for a long time.He was pale and haggard, but not drunk at all.At that time, we were all sober from the wine, hungry again, and were planning to go to the cafeteria to steal some leftover meat from the dinner.Wang Ruohai took the initiative to ask for a fight, and finally decided that he and Fang Fang would go in, and Xu Xun and I would go outside.Gao Jin did not plan and direct as usual, but went to the back room to lie down, and Gao Yang went in to talk to him. He was also very impatient with Gao Yang, and pushed him away with a rough voice.

I didn't know until a few days later that he rode to Milan's house that night.He was also drunk that day, and it took almost an hour to ride across the city to the downstairs of Milan's house.I don't know how he found the building where Milan lived.There is an unconfirmed statement that he started from the first building on the side of the road and shouted from building to building.

He yelled Milan's name presumptuously among the dark buildings. His loud and hoarse yelling sounded very scary in the dead of night. Due to the lack of response for a long time, he appeared mournful, desperate and almost morbidly persistent. .That night, many residents were awakened by this thrilling call in their sleep, lying in the dark bed distraught.Some of my classmates who lived in that building area still told me with lingering fear what they experienced and felt during a dark night during the summer vacation: when they fell asleep again, most of them fell into terrible nightmares.

The next thing was probably that Milan heard the call for her, and the light in her room was quickly turned on on the top floor of the building. This bright window that suddenly appeared in the dark buildings undoubtedly provided Gao Jin who was looking for it at a loss. Clear and accurate orientation and coordinates.Under that window, he meowed higher and higher like a wild cat called Chun.Even though I knew that posture was beyond the capabilities of human beings, my imagination still told me stubbornly: he squatted there with his upper body supported by his arms and called out.

The call died away as suddenly as it had first arisen.This meant that Milan had come downstairs in her coat, and with her her father, a gentleman who had come down uninvited.

It is conceivable that under such circumstances, it is impossible for Gao Jin and Milan to say anything.According to Gao Yang's suspicious description, the father did not severely reprimand Gao Jin, although his behavior constituted offense and shamelessness.He asked Gao Jin to go upstairs, and gave the depressed boy a cigarette to calm him down, and Gao Jin smoked it.I don’t know whether Gao Jin expressed apology, anyway, he soon sobered up from his drunken state, became quiet, and his expression was a little sluggish, he must have felt uncomfortable. The pale and exhausted face I saw later was already like a hepatitis patient at that time Jaundice appears.

Then he pinched his cigarette and left without saying a word.

Opinions vary on Milan's performance and reaction.Some say she was completely unresponsive until the end of the matter.Some people said that she showed dissatisfaction and anger towards Gao Jin at first, and after the three of them went upstairs and entered the room, she withdrew from the scene and stayed in her room until Gao Jin left.There is also a version that she was angry, but that anger was directed at her father.Her father's polite intervention was seen by her as unreasonable interference.She kept yelling at her father, trying to take Gao Jin back to her room to take care of him.I believe it was not because of her father's obstruction but because of Gao Jin's own wishes that he left anyway.

Although all three accounts have equal priorities and equally strong witnesses and vivid details that are difficult to fabricate, I immediately believe the last one.There is no unknown evidence, but I think it is more plausible that when her father sat opposite Gao Jin, she stood aside angrily in a coat.

Neither party has ever revealed a single word about the matter to me, as if it had never happened or was just a trivial hearsay and rumour.Of course, the truth of this matter has indeed become unimportant to anyone now, and they might have forgotten it if they were alive.

So far, I still have no way of guessing how real Gao Jin's short-lived relationship with Milan was.As far as I know, Milan did not join Gao Jin's father's army as an art soldier in the end. When we cut off contact with Milan two months later, they did not keep in touch with each other in private.At the end of the year, Gao Jin and Gao Yang left as soldiers.At that time, he already had a real girlfriend, a female soldier of the troops stationed in Beijing.After that, when we went to the society one after another, we went our own way on the journey of life, and went to different destinations, even if we met again, it was at most a smile and a wave—just like what we do now.

If I were Milan and had to choose something, I'm afraid I would choose Gao Jin.He really stood out from our group of kids then, tallest, mulatto handsome, and possessed of an unusual history which gave him a charming combination of bright, cruel, and innocent.Had his time been right, he could have been, like Depardieu, a movie star that women both adore and fear.Now he is just one of thousands of successful small businessmen.

At the time, there were indeed signs of their mutual attraction and their rapid approach to each other.When Milan came to our hospital, he didn't look for me first, but went directly to Gao Jin's house.Sometimes I don't even know she's coming, and I visit Gao Jin's house by chance, only to find that she's been here for a long time, and the two of them are chatting happily.I was almost completely left aside, even if I was present, I was still a bit of a role, and I only sat and listened, and I seemed to be quite uninterested in interjecting, often interrupting their lively chat suddenly, and the two of them smiled friendly together He stared at me blankly.

They all take good care of me.When I was present, Gao Jin didn't talk to Milan much, and cleverly tried to make the topic as close as possible to me so that I could join in the conversation.Sometimes he even took the initiative to announce to me, "Milano will come tomorrow, so you can come too."

Milan also intentionally looked at me differently. When I was sitting at Gao Jin’s house chatting with him, he immediately expressed extreme relief when he saw me come in. This expression often became a joyous gesture accompanied by dancing. Gao Yang or Gao Jin himself had to prove: "I really want to You, I'm very glad to hear that you'll be here soon."

She has always maintained a friendly and affectionate attitude towards me, and even her smile is so consistent and sweet.They are often rude to Gao Jin, and openly ridicule him for his excessive boldness and unrestrainedness.Because of his careless words and deeds, he had serious quarrels and got angry several times.Sometimes he even instigated him to run errands to buy her something she wanted to eat on the spur of the moment.

When I had a dispute with Gao Jin, she stood firmly on my side and forced Gao Jin to give in to me.

Although Gao Jin was also dissatisfied and complained about all this, he even ignored it or passively refused to implement it, but he never really got angry.His temper became submissive, and even Wang Ruohai sometimes squeezed against him, but he would smile and listen without saying a word.

That day, we went to Xinqiao Restaurant for dinner, and Milan was with us.Just as he was about to leave the table after eating, one of the big men sitting at the table by the door and window beckoned for Milan to come over.It was a famous "recalcitrant" who belonged to the "Old Pao" class and his equally famous gang.This person was famous in Ninetowns for his bravery and ruthlessness in Beijing, and his deeds were almost legendary, and many famous and powerful men fell into his hands.It has emerged since the very beginning of the "Cultural Revolution", and has been "playing" for nearly ten years.

I didn't expect Milan to know him, and he seemed to be very familiar.She went to stand and talk to the man.The man sat there, motionless, with no expression on his face, only his lips moved, as if he was asking Milan something.Milan answered with a straight face and awe-inspiring eyes.They said a few words, and Milan left proudly.The man's face was gray and he bowed his head in silence.

We were about to leave when he suddenly raised his head and pointed at Gao Jin with his middle finger, "You, come here."

At that time, we stopped together, and each of us became nervous.

Milan had already reached the door, turned back and shouted at the man, "What are you doing?"

The man ignored Milan and called Gao Jin again: "Come here."

"Don't pay attention to him." Milan said to Gao Jin.

"Go, get out of here, stinky circle!" Another person at the table cursed rudely.

I still can't remember Milan's calm face when he was humiliated, which is difficult for many of us men.

Gao Jin is also very calm, the only thing that can tell that he is not calm is his bright eyes.He walked towards the table.As if being pulled by a thread, the few of us followed.The cowboy with the gun who sat in the tavern drinking silently in the western movie recognized that look in the eyes.

At that time, every second could suddenly erupt into a bloody fight, and a look could trigger a desperate fight.At that time, we were used to carrying kitchen knives and military stabs when we went out.The military satchel containing the murder weapon was hung around our necks, the straps were shortened very short, and the position was right on the chest, so we could pull out and chop in an instant.Fang Fang has already reached into the satchel.

The men and women eating at the nearby tables turned their heads and stared at us nervously, and the restaurant fell silent.

Gao Jin probably knew someone at that table, so he nodded and said hello to that person.

"Your name is Gao Jin?" The man glanced at Gao Jin coldly and asked in a flat voice.

"Yes." Gao Jin was neither humble nor overbearing.

"Milan, what are you taking with you now?"

Gao Jin didn't answer, just stared at the man.

At this time, a small man who knew both us and the group came over from the next table, and said to Gao Jin and the man with a smile on his face, "Why, don't you know each other? Let me introduce you..."

"It's none of your business." The man said bluntly, waving his hand like a fly.

The little man didn't say another word, and returned to the table where he was sitting, drinking beer and looking at this side angrily.

"It's nothing, just asking." The man took the burning cigarette from his mouth and said while holding the wine glass with one hand.

"It's okay, let's go."

"Oh, goodbye." The man raised his hand holding a cigarette in greeting, and he and his deskmate continued the topic of conversation just now.

He never looked at the rest of us.

The lively and noisy atmosphere returned to the restaurant.

We blushed and walked out of the revolving door of the restaurant. Milan was standing on the steps in a daze, and turned to give us a cold look.

More than ten years later, not long after I finished writing this novel, I saw this man again at a banquet hosted by a friend.He is now the vice president of a large state-owned company that does everything. He has gained three times his weight, has a neat suit, and wears short-sighted glasses.During the whole meal, he talked a lot, laughing and joking, like a living treasure, and joked with the waitress.

He had no recollection of this little episode of the past that he mentioned to me, saying it had been through too much.I asked him about Milan again, but he avoided answering, and talked about him:
"I don't feel ashamed of anyone who is more famous and more famous. No matter how crazy he is, I dare to shovel him. I'm afraid of those sixteen or seventeen-year-olds!"

"You're fat enough." I said, looking at Milan in a swimsuit.

"Is your waist really thick?" She just came out of the women's changing room. Except for her feet which were dripping with disinfectant, her skin was very dry. Standing in the dark swimming pool, she was still dazzlingly white, like a shaved head. A clean big white pig.Some people were already diving by the swimming pool, and the water splashed into the pool made loud and empty echoes in the tall pavilion.

"It's not just the waist, look at your belly, your arms." I stretched out my hand and squeezed her shoulders cruelly, "Look at your back—it's enough to say."

She avoided me and said with a smile, "There's a little too much meat—do you think I look good in this swimsuit? Is it too revealing?"

She tugged at the straps of her bathing suit, looked down at herself, and stood upright with her feet together, smiling and looking at me for evaluation.She was wearing a red nylon swimsuit that was rare at that time. She showed off her curves, which should be said to be very attractive, but I said:
"Like a fool."

"You don't know how to say a good word?" She smiled and gave me a white look, then left me to face Gao Jin who was coming out of the men's locker room, wading through the disinfectant water in the sunken pool.

The two of them talked and laughed and walked to the pool.Seen from the back, they were about the same height, one with broad shoulders and narrow hips, the other with a plump figure, making them a good match like the couple in the advertisement.

Xu Xun, Fang Fang and others also came out of the locker room one after another by wading through the water.Xu Xun asked me:
"Why don't you go swimming?"

"Look at Milan." I stared viciously at Milan who was walking forward and standing on the edge of the white tiles of the swimming pool with clear water.I don't know if it's because of the design of the swimsuit or because of her body shape, but she looks like a piece of triangular cloth tightly held by a gymnast who has just undergone a somersault, with lumps hanging down on both sides like a heavy baby's face.

Gao Jin had already sat down, propped his hands on the edge of the pool, stretched his legs into the water, and raised his head to talk to Milan.

"The body shape is really ugly, as if you have given birth to a child."

Everyone laughed and walked to the swimming pool one after another.

I refused to give up and said bitterly: "As soon as I take off my clothes, I will find out."

Gao Jin plunged into the water with a "crash", swung his arms in the clear and transparent water like a fish, and swam briskly to the opposite bank.He has trained in the swimming class of Shichahai Youth Sports School, and his swimming posture is impeccable, and he is also outstanding among those who are swimming in the entire swimming pool.

I slowly descended into the water from the escalator on the other side.At that time, I just learned to swim, and I only knew one style: breaststroke.And it is very non-standard, can't enter the water to take a breath, and can only swim with its neck up like a goose.I remembered my bragging about Milan, so I tried to avoid her sight while swimming as much as possible.

There are many people crossing back and forth in the swimming pool. I often have to step on the water and wait for the person in front of me to swim past before continuing to move forward clumsily.

Milan sat by the pool with his hands supported and his shoulders shrugged, watching the people swimming back and forth in the pool intently.Gao Jin stepped on the water and wiped the water on his face and waved her down, but she smiled and shook her head to refuse.Gao Jin swam to the edge of the pool and grabbed her with one hand and pulled her into the water, splashing a splash of water.I was swimming slowly in the distance and heard a crisp scream.

When I came back after struggling to swim upstream, I saw Milan hugging Gao Jin's neck in the water, laughing and begging for mercy. of.

He unfastened Miran's arms around his neck, and Miran sank into the water.Holding the mosaic pool with my hands, I panted among a group of little girls and looked towards the opposite bank.

Milan was drenched all over, and crawled to the shore with his buttocks pouted, his bathing suit soaked in water was extraordinarily bright.Gao Jin supported her from below, and then she turned around and sat down by the pool, her wet hair sticking to her head, panting and laughing.

She was laughing out loud, her mouth like a high-wattage speaker.

They all gathered in the pool in that area to play, have water fights, irrigate each other, and stand on the bank and dive headfirst.

Gao Yang and Fang Fang went to the diving platform at the top of the pool and dived into the water in a swallow style. They competed in freestyle, causing splashes all the way.Milan and others sincerely applauded them.

I am deeply saddened that they did not notice my absence.

I swam towards them off the shore, and when I got close to the edge of the pool, I changed to backstroke, a backstroke that I mastered fairly well without being too timid.

When I swam to the edge of the pool and stood up, a row of people sitting by the edge of the pool were laughing and turning their heads to watch Xu Xun and Fang Fang fighting in the water. The water splashed by them splashed on my face.

"I swam about ten laps." I said to Wang Ruohai.

"That's right." He said with a smile, keeping his eyes on Xu Xun and Fang Fang who were entangled together.

"You swim very well, I saw it." Milan bent over and said to me.

I ignored her, and swam close to the edge of the pool to the escalator in the middle, and walked behind them with bare feet.

Gao Jin said something in Milan's ear, and Milan nodded while listening.A jet of water shot by Xu Xun hit the person sitting by the pool, and she dodged Gao Jin's shoulder.

I walked up behind her and kicked her into the water and stood there laughing.

Caught off guard, she fell into the pool with her arms open, and disappeared under the water straightly, with her long hair floating on the water like weeds.

With her eyes closed, she came out of the water with her mouth wide open, spitting water, her hair was quickly ironed and draped down her neck smoothly, she wiped the water from her face with one hand, and grabbed Gao Jin's outstretched hand with the other.

Gao Jin leaned over and pulled her ashore.

She caught her breath and stood on the bank laughing, and said to me: "You are so bad."

I glanced at her watery and wrinkled face with disgust, walked aside with a sneer and sat beside Wang Ruohai.

Gao Jin who was smiling gave me a strange look.

I find it difficult now to describe how I really felt at the time because I am so different now than I was then.The facts of memory are clear and unquestionable, but the values ​​that now govern my actions make me deeply resistant to this memory.A strong feeling that this remembered behavior is irrational, absurd, and therefore does not seem real.I am used to logically belittling people who differ from my standards, despise the strange existence of all people who are not of my race, and always think that they are unhealthy and surly people.And so, when I write against my formerly incongruous image, I feel a compulsive distortion, and it takes an excruciatingly unpleasant perseverance to remain true, like riding on a poor horse. Walking on the sleepers on the railway line.

My words to Milan were increasingly harsh, often embarrassing her.In my eyes, she no longer has the radiant demeanor she once had.I found spots, wrinkles, moles, warts and some thick hair on her face.There is a dimple the size of a licorice tablet on her temporal side, and a small scar at the corner of her lip; her forehead is very narrow and uneven, protruding like that of an orangutan. This narrow forehead is in perfect contrast with her thick chin, making her The face looks short like a cat.Her nose looked straight and straight from the front, but from the side it was mostly covered by the overly full cheeks, plus the protruding chin and protruding forehead gave her a crescent moon face.In addition, her waist is too thick, if it is not for the towering chest, which is like the belly of a three-month pregnant child, it will be as high as the chest.Compared with her heavy upper body, her legs are as thin as a racehorse, but not so long and strong.This made her feel unbearable when she walked slowly, as bloated and sluggish as a fat middle-aged woman.Then there is her smile, which is pleasant when she smiles, but once she laughs out loud, her voice has a sharp, hoarse and indescribable affectation. , It's goosebumps all over your body.Her eyes are also very dishonest. Although there is nothing to criticize from the outside, they are all lively and charming inside, even the tables, chairs and benches are not spared.In a word: pure shame!
I know I might be a little emotional, and I've tried to be objective about her, but the more I look at her, the more startling are the flaws and flaws.

I can even smell the hot bad breath coming out of her pickled mouth and the sour smell of sweat on her body.For a while, I also suspected that she had body odor, but I soon gave up this suspicion because it was too groundless.But I have solid evidence that she has athlete's foot, she wears sandals barefoot in summer, and the toes and heels are covered with scaly molting.

Disgusting.

I could no longer tolerate this ugly, nasty woman, and she could no longer tolerate me.

In addition to slandering and slandering her behind the scenes, I also personally attacked her more and more frequently in person.I laughed at her taste, her grooming, and her taste for bland food became an excuse for me to tease her.

"Why do you eat so much? Like a pig!" I said when she ate too much.

"Why do you eat so little? Why are you pretending to be delicate!" I said when she ate so little.

As soon as we met, we quarreled with each other and tried our best to tease and sarcasm.At first, no matter what they said, there was a smile on their faces, but the more they quarreled, the more anxious they became, and their faces changed. After a long time of quarreling, they still looked at each other with contempt.

I miss her more intensely than ever.Every day when I open my eyes, the first thought is to see her immediately, and every time I just broke up, I immediately want to turn around and continue to argue with her, insulting her viciously and cursing her has become my happiest thing every day.When I fall asleep, these splattered words still enter my dreams.I can't put anything else in my mind, only obscene descriptions and vicious curses, and more unheard and appalling obscenities are constantly pouring into my mind day and night.I've never been so inspired and thought-provoking as I was then.I felt that I had suddenly opened my eyes or had a psychic connection. The dull, boring, and irrelevant square characters became vivid and lively in my eyes, and they could produce extremely rich and endless changes. Hold me, cling to me, let me do whatever I want, learn how to use it and assemble it into a deadly weapon, throw the spearhead at the person accurately, and hit the gun.At that time, I was going to write novels, and I am afraid that I would be famous already.

Sometimes at night I would suddenly think of a new and clever curse word, and I would get up and go straight to Gao Jin's house, and use it on Milan when I found it.

I smiled and asked her, "Why do you have to go to a farm instead of a technical school after graduating from middle school?"

She looked at me vigilantly, knowing that I had ulterior motives, but she didn't know where the trap was set for a while, so she asked me: "Why should I go to a technical school? Going to a technical school is just going to a factory."

"No, won't you be able to enter a technical (prostitute) house after you go to technical school?"

I invited her to play a game with me.She was afraid of being fooled and refused at first.I told her that this game is to test whether a girl is a virgin, and if she dare not do it, she is guilty.

So she agreed to make the game.I told her that the game is that I ask her some questions and she answers, and the girl who is not a virgin will say something in the answer.The rule is that I have a coin between my fingers, and I have to pull out the coin every time before answering the question.

Then I held a nickel between my index and middle fingers and asked her the first question: "How old are you?"

She pulled out the coin and told me.

Then I asked her the second question: "How old were you when you met your first boyfriend?"

She also told me, her demeanor began to relax.

Then I clamped the coin and asked her the third question: "What did the first man say when you slept with him?"

She pulled out the coin, but because I clamped it hard, she couldn't pull it out no matter what, so she said: "You clamp it so tightly, how can I pull it out."

The audience roared with laughter.

That day, I had just finished playing tricks on her, and she was so angry that she left Gao Jin's house and walked on the veranda triumphantly.She came up from behind, her eyes were red, even the tip of her nose was red, she grabbed me and asked me:

"Why do you keep squeezing me? What do you mean?"

"Let go, don't touch me." I said to her with my neckline completely crooked by her, "It's not interesting, it's fun, just kidding."

"Are you joking like that? Are you kidding?"

"Why aren't you joking? You're not too funny, are you? You're in a hurry to make a joke. It's boring, it's boring."

"Your jokes hurt."

"Where did I hurt you? An arm or a leg? Hurt people? Are you still afraid of being hurt? You've already become iron-clad. These few words of mine are not even tickling you."

"When, when, and how did I recruit you? Made you treat me like this?"

"No, you didn't recruit me, it's fine." I turned my face away.

"But you're not as nice to me as you used to be."

"I've always been like this to you!" I said angrily in her face, "It's always been the same!"

"No, you weren't like this before." She shook her head, her eyes fixed on me, "Do you hate me a little?"

"What if you hate it? So what if you don't hate it?" I looked at her arrogantly.

"If you don't like me, come back, if you don't like me, leave."

"Then you go, don't come again." I stared at her coldly and said every word clearly.

She bowed her head in silence for a while, looked up at me, and whispered: "Can I ask why?"

"No reason, I just get annoyed when I see you, I hate you!"

She stared at me with awl-like eyes, and I neither flinched nor wavered, and stood firmly in front of her, standing on tiptoe unconsciously.

She sighed, looked back and turned away.

"Didn't you stop coming? Why are you here again?" As soon as I entered the "Moscow Restaurant", I saw Milan sitting there, smiling cautiously, and couldn't help feeling angry, and shouted at her.

It was Gao Jin and I's birthday, and we all chipped in together to have fun.We are not in the same year, but the same month and the same day, both are the "Fatherland Liberation Day" of the former Communist regime in Romania.

"I asked her to come here." Gao Yang said to me.

"No, let her go." I pointed at Milan and said to her, "Get out of here—get out of here!"

Everyone advised, "Why, why bother?"

"Are you fucking going to get out? If you don't, I'll slap you!" I said as I was about to go over, but was stopped by Xu Xun.

"I'd better go." Milan whispered to Gao Jin, picked up the sunglasses on the table and was about to stand up.

Gao Jin held her down, "Don't go, just sit here." Then he looked at me and said gently, "Can you tell her not to go?"

Ever since I fought against Milan, no matter how I squeezed against Milan, Gao Jin never said a word in Milan's accent.Even when he was in a hurry, it was Gao Yang, Wei Ning and others who tried to persuade him, but he didn't say a word.Today is the first time he speaks for Milan:

"For my sake..."

"I don't care about anyone's face. I'm in a hurry with whoever protects her today——she must get out!"

I have the impression that I should be a little drunk that day, but in fact, we just arrived at the restaurant and didn't start eating at all.I've rarely been so violent and rough when I'm not drunk, and I probably won't be like this when I'm drunk in the future.

The rest happened in an instant: I threw a porcelain ashtray at them both, Milan raised his arm to block it, and the ashtray hit her arm, she groaned, and her arm hung down as if it was broken, and she squeezed it. The sore spot left the seat and squatted to the side.I held a bottle full of red wine upside down in my hand, and the whole bottle of red wine poured out, soaking the white tablecloth and running down my elbows, staining my shirt and pants all red.

Xu Xun hugged me tightly, Gao Yang hugged Gao Jin, Fang Fang snatched the wine bottle from my hand, and everyone else stepped between Gao Jin and me.

With a white face, I gritted my teeth and said only one sentence: "I will kill you! I will kill you!"

Gao Jin raised his head and opened his eyes angrily, and he could see his body below the shoulders struggling under Gao Yang's embrace.He stood motionless and stretched his head forward, much like an insurgent soldier on the relief of the Monument to the People's Heroes.

For a second, our faces were so close we were almost biting each other.

……

Now my mind is as clear as the bright moon, and I find that I am imagining again.I opened this chapter with a vow to tell the story honestly, to give it back the truth.I always thought that I was describing truthfully from memory, even discarding some unreliable impressions, however much they contributed to the coherence of the plot and the turning of events.

But I still stepped into the inertia of weaving and rational derivation.I intentionally or unintentionally ignored some details, and at the same time exaggerated and whitewashed other reasons.Like a woman with a cleanliness, I can't help polishing everything. When I rely on the form of fiction to tell the truth, I make a fundamental mistake: how strong is my desire to tell the truth? How much text interference do I have.I sadly found that technically I couldn't restore the truth.Every word I use means more than the specific feeling I want to express. Even the most accurate adjective retains its meaning for other things when it is used for me. Like a hat, even according to your head It is custom-made to size and always leaves a tiny gap on your head.The accumulation of these gaps creates a huge space that separates me from the truth itself, forming a world of its own.I've never seen anything so self-expressive and liar-loving as words!

One more thing that betrayed me was my memory.It is as good at flattery as a courtier or a slave girl.When I tried to pursue the first dramatic effect, it put the honest and simple facts in a dark prison, and provided me with a beautiful and enchanting substitute.Now that I think about it, the first time Milan and I met was faked, and I never met her on the road.In fact, the situation at the beginning was: that day I came out of the police station full of shame and returned home, but Gao Jin did not leave immediately after coming out.He also saw Milan in the detention room, and knew that Milan knew Yu Beibei, so he invited Yu Beibei to wait for Milan to come out at the entrance of Dashuiche Alley, and they knew each other immediately, and Milan went to our hospital that night.In my later impression, Milan was standing in the reception room at the gate of our courtyard and making a phone call, which was exactly what I witnessed the next morning.

The emergence of this fact has completely shaken the authenticity of all my storylines.In other words, Gao Jin didn't meet his dream person through me at all, but the opposite.Milan and I did not precede others, only the lingering relationship between the two of us, all of which was beyond my imagination.The only thing that has not been clarified is: Is it the impromptu imagination when writing or the kind of "ancient people imitating the past" that is often encountered in the painting and calligraphy world?
That noon, Wei Ning and I were appointed by Gao Jin to wait for Milan at the gate of the courtyard.That was the first time we met.This also explains why I went to another pavilion with Xu Xun and Fang Fang to play slingshots and didn't join the conversation. At that time, I didn't know Milan well at all.

I've never been close to Milan!

She is always with Gao Jin, and only when Gao Jin is present can I have the opportunity to sit and chat with her.Of course she is very friendly to me, I am Gao Jin's little buddy.And Yu Beibei, I forgot her in the middle of the story, but she always exists in the process of fact.After Gao Jin abandoned her and fell in love with Milan, she fell in love with the rest of us one by one, and finally I got involved too.The turn of events on the veranda was actually when I saw her with Wang Ruohai again after me, so I sent it to her.At that time, Milan was taking a nap at Gao Jin's house. Before I left, she lay down and fell asleep amidst everyone's chatting.

When "Lao Mo" ate western food for his birthday that day, there was no unhappiness.We drank well and had a good chat.Gao Jin and I took turns clinking glasses with Milan.If Milan was particularly fond of me, it was probably the only time when she stared at me frequently with those awl-like eyes.I ate a lot of tonkatsu and sourdough and bread with butter and jam, and I had a lot of wit and banter, and then I spit out on the grass by the fence when I left the restaurant.In the elephant room of the zoo on the other side of the fence, the baby elephant "Midura" given by Mrs. Bandaranaike is wagging its tail and grazing behind several tall African male elephants...

Gao Jin was more drunk than me, and he couldn't vomit, so he felt very uncomfortable in his heart.I supported him in the alleyway when he got off the tram and walked to the courtyard.He staggered all the way and talked incoherently about Milan and their relationship.That's when I knew they weren't as asleep as I thought they were.He said piteously that he had taken Milan off several times, but he just didn't know what to do next.He asked me, and I couldn't be his adviser, and I didn't know much about it. I thought it was very pornographic, and I was lucky not to have children.Thinking about it further, I shudder.Is Milan the girl in the picture I saw in that building?Now I have lost any evidence that they are the same person.She did give me a different impression than that picture.But is that photo real?Can I trust my memory on this?Why do I feel so similar to the girl on the "Sanyo" wall calendar pasted behind my house now?
Have I ever had a word that is honest?
Maybe nothing happened that summer.I saw a young girl and had some thrilling imaginations.I'm dying here, she doesn't know anything over there.Later, she disappeared along her own trajectory, and I added an unbearable experience for myself.

How to do?
This story, which began with a sincere desire, has, through my enormous, persistent efforts, become a full sheet of lies.I'm no longer sure what's real, happened, and what's fake, spoofed, or simply fabricated.

Either give it up and let it go for nothing, and don't show it to you, or... I can describe to you what I look like now (I promise it's true, because I have a mirror on the opposite wall - trust me) : I am sitting in a borrowed house by the Jingou River in the western suburbs of Beijing. It is cloudy outside and it has just rained a little, so I also turn on the lights in broad daylight.Upstairs, some workers were sealing up the balcony, and the sparks from the welding torches fell from the balcony like lava, and the tools in their hands shook the floor above my head.It is twelve o'clock at noon, and the golden song "Jiafei" is playing on the radio.I haven't eaten all day, and I don't have any hope of eating until six o'clock at night.I've been here for two weeks trying to write this novel--do you have the heart to tell me to give up?
Unless I get out of the deceitful business of literature, I will continue to deceive. What is the value of being honest once?This is also tantamount to self-destructive future.How do you tell me to live after smashing this job?I have a wife and child, and an eighty-year-old father.I dedicated my most pioneering and creative youth to literature, and it was too late to start a new life.How many years can I have?
I now very much understand the situation of those who persist in lies.It's so hard to be honest!

Well, it's decided, forget about the truth.I will try my best to tell the lie well, and it will be better if it is a little enlightening and educational.

The only honesty I can do for you is to inform you: I'm going to lie again.

No need for any errata, right?

I looked miserable, tightly clutching the handle of the spatula in my trouser pocket, and I could feel the sharpness of the knife tip through my thigh through my trousers.

It was in the garden at that time, and the strong midday sun was like a series of heavy bombs exploding continuously in the air, producing a blinding blaze.I remember the pear trees, peach trees, and crabapple trees all around me in full bloom, and common sense told me that at that season, these flowers were all gone.But I like the beautiful effect of bleeding to death and struggling among bright flowers.Now that we have been inauthentic in the big ways, there is no need to pursue the small details.

I was chilled all over, and I couldn't help shivering even in the scorching sun.I didn't look like a valiant fighter at all, but I looked like I was going to be slaughtered tremblingly.I calmed down from the rage a long time ago, and felt regretful in my heart.Why do I have to say "fork him" and "spend him" to relieve hatred and be safer after all.I am full of resentment towards my friends: if they persuade me a little longer, I will find a way to get down by myself.But they saw that I was really determined, so they took a stand-by attitude.How dishonest!
I reluctantly walked towards Gao Jin who was standing opposite.He was calmer than me, but he was also pale, staring at me nervously as he approached him. For the first time, I felt that his eyes were horribly large.

I looked at his body, hesitant to know where the knife was stuck.At my most frenzied, I didn't really want to kill him. "Cross him" means to prick a little blood on him with a knife, and the bleeding is over.Unless he doesn't stab me and fight, I'm afraid I won't be able to grasp the depth and location of the knife.

Why doesn't he turn around and give me his ass?

"Hurry up, the adults will be here soon." Fang Fang urged.

Let him do it first!I suddenly had such a knightly idea, and found an excuse not to use the knife and encourage courage.

I stopped.

"Hitch me, I won't do it." Gao Jin encouraged me.He took his hands out of his pockets and let them hang by his legs.

I cried, and tears welled up in my eyes.

He also cried, and yelled at me: "Fork me, fork!"

I raised my hand and wiped my tears hard, but I couldn't wipe away the tears, so I stood there stubbornly and motionless.

He also wiped away his tears fiercely, crying fiercely.

"Forget it, you two make up." Everyone gathered around to persuade.

Gao Yang tearfully hugged my shoulder and said repeatedly: "Let's make it up. We're all buddies, why bother?"

Gao Jin and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes, and then we stretched out our hands to hold each other. We all rushed forward, weeping with joy like women's volleyball players who won the world championship and put their heads on each other's shoulders to form a circle.

I spit out of this loving, breathless group embrace, then sink back into sobbing.At that time, I thought: I must be buddies with Gao Jin and everyone who is crying here forever!

Gao Jin and I wept and confessed our hearts to each other, scrambling to express our multiple feelings, showing more loyalty, and how heartbroken we were when our friends got into trouble with each other.Crying after talking, talking after crying, talking while crying, sobbing so hard that my face was dirty from crying.

Finally, tired of crying, she wiped her face with tears and walked side by side to a cool place.

A child ran across the garden and saw a group of us walking shoulder to shoulder with red eyes and sorrow, and stopped curiously, staring blankly with his mouth wide open.

"What are you looking at!" I roared angrily and kicked the child, causing him to roll and crawl away.

I'm very satisfied with the way this matter was resolved. There was no bloodshed, the dignity of both sides was maintained, and the friendship was enhanced. I'm still a little grateful to Gao Jin.

Only Yu Beibei once teased me, "I'm so young, I dare not cross anyone."

"You know birds, we are buddies!" I scolded contemptuously.

Needless to say, Gao Jin and I have become good friends again, I did not continue to be rude to Milan, and I was very polite when we met, but whenever she came while we were chatting, I would leave after a while to show my respect self-esteem.

Everyone understands my feelings and doesn't force me.

I started to hang out with Yu Beibei.We often go to Wei Ning's house to play, and he is also interested in Bei Bei.His father died three years ago, and his mother is a middle school principal. She is usually very busy and organizes teachers to study during holidays. Sometimes she is so busy that she doesn't even go home at night.Wei Ning's older brothers and sisters had all gone to the army, and he was the only one left in the family, so we made a fuss at his house.Gradually, Wei Ning, Wang Ruohai and Yu Beibei broke away from the group centered on the Gao family and formed a small circle.

Yu Beibei and I are so familiar that we can touch each other, but we have never been here for real.I really think that Yu Beibei is always teasing me, but she can't make up her mind to rush forward boldly.He often said all the obscene things, and finally left in a dignified manner.

Even Wei Ning, who was ugly and cowardly, moved her and came to mobilize me to do it. I could no longer prevaricate her by thinking that she was "not pretty" or "not interested".

That night, we went to Dongsi's "Qinghai Restaurant" at one o'clock in the middle of the night to eat steamed stuffed buns.After walking back, I was sweating all over, and went to the bathhouse to look through the window and take a cold bath.Yu Beibei insisted on going in to wash with us, of course she didn't care about us and had no reason to be shy, so she jumped in together.

Everyone agreed not to turn on the flashlight, and the black lights frantically undressed on both sides of the locker room partition.

We took off quickly, got into the bathroom first, and turned on the shower to wash up.After a while, she also came in, and the water in the outer bathroom "cracked" and rushed to the ground.

Wei Ning joked with her through the wall, "Have we passed?"

She replied over there: "Come here."

"Have we really passed?"

"You guys really come here."

"Wang Ruohai, don't peek." Wei Ning yelled deliberately.

Yu Beibei also said loudly: "You have to take a look and see clearly."

Later, when we were done washing, we filed out through the outer bathroom to the changing room.She stood under a spraying faucet in the dark bathroom and shouted:

"Whoever comes, I'll call for the gangsters."

We laughed and walked out of the bathroom without looking back.I sneaked a peek as I walked, only to see a pale shadow, but that was enough to make my heart skip a beat.

Coming out of the bathhouse, Wei Ning and Wang Ruohai walked in front, and Yu Beibei and I walked behind. I whispered to her who was exuding a cool breath:
"I'll find you tonight."

She squeezed my hand and gave me a radiant look.

That night, I had been sitting at Wei Ning's house chatting with them, and Yu Beibei had already gone to sleep in the back room.After staying up until four o'clock, it was almost dawn, and I drove Wang Ruohai home, and Wei Ning was also lying on the sofa drowsy, too sleepy to open his eyes.I told him that I would not go home and knock on the door, and I would just stay with him until dawn.

I turned off the light in the outer room, lay down on a bamboo recliner, and fell asleep until I was sure that Wei Ning had fallen asleep, then I quietly got up and went into the inner room.

The back room was dimly lit, and Yu Beibei's figure lying on the bed was very vague.She too fell asleep, snoring slightly.

I stood by the bed and looked at her motionless and peaceful sleeping appearance, and reached out to poke her.She turned over, opened her eyes and looked at me, "Who are you?"

"Be quiet." I leaned forward and brought my face closer to her.

She recognized me, closed her eyes and turned inside to make room for me, "Why did you come here? What have you been talking about for so long? I kept hearing the chattering laughter from the outer room."

I went to bed, pulled her body, she turned over with her eyes closed, and muttered to me, "I'm so sleepy, please let me sleep for a while."

"Sleep again and it will be dawn." I whispered into her ear.

"Then you can do whatever you want, I'm so sleepy that I can't keep my eyes open."

She fell asleep with her eyes closed.

I was a little annoyed for a moment, then cheered up again, went up and kissed her on the mouth, she smiled slightly.

I started to go deep, but I couldn't get the point.

"Stupid." She said something, reached behind her back to undo the buckle, and went back to sleep.

I fiddled with her for a long time, and finally I fiddled with her until she couldn't sleep. She opened her eyes and turned over and said to me: "You are so annoying."

I have to work harder, she said sternly: "This is not possible, you only want to do this when you are young."

She stood next to me and taught me in a low voice: "I want to let you. You are happy for a while, but you will hate me for the rest of your life in the future. You should say that I corrupted you. You are still young and don't understand feelings. You will get married in the future." , to be worthy of your future wife - just touch me." She grabbed the palm of my heart.

That was really the most vivid ideological and political work class I have ever attended.

Later I fell asleep, and when I woke up, it was broad daylight, and Yu Beibei fell asleep quietly leaning against the wall with a towel wrapped around her body.

I got out of bed and slipped away. Wei Ning was still snoring on the sofa in the outer room.

I feel like I'm at a loss!Whenever I see Milan, Gao Jin, and Gao Yang chatting and laughing from the rockery, verandas and gardens, staring at me or smiling slightly, I feel very disadvantaged.

Why did I make my relationship with her so pure?I had every chance to make my mark on her, but what did I do?He didn't even pull his hand.Ever since the night I spent with Yu Beibei, I have looked at women like animals.

When I read the Manna Memoirs in manuscript, I was filled with contempt and hatred for all the finer sentiments of man.I am particularly attracted to the sensual and beautiful Milan.In my opinion, her enchantment is full of evil.She is a terrible temptation, a blooming flower of evil, her existence is a provocation to morality and order, and a threat to all decent citizens with noble sentiments!
I followed her all the way that day.She was sitting idle at Gao Jin's house, and I stood upstairs by the railing post to monitor the exit of the courtyard.They went to a small restaurant in "Liu Tiao" for dinner, and I hid in the non-staple food store next to the restaurant.She ate with them for a long time, came out and stood at the door of the bicycle shop on the street and talked for a while, and then saw a No. 24 bus coming, she said goodbye to them, got on the bus and left. up.

When Gao Jin and the others entered the alley, I came out of the non-staple food store, rode my bicycle at the gate of the neighborhood committee, and rode vigorously along the North Street.

I caught up with the bus at the entrance of Yanle Hutong, and then followed it hidden among the crowd of cyclists.

After passing the "Lumi Cang" station, I saw her sitting on the back seat of the bus.

She got off at the entrance of Beijing Station with many people, then went to Chang'an Street, and got on a No. 1 bus.

I followed this No. 1 bus through Dongdan, Wangfujing, Tiananmen and Xidan, and saw outsiders standing on the iron fence in front of the new building of the Beijing Hotel to watch the automatic doors open and close, the national flag fluttering in the square and the crowd taking pictures. Yao Jinyun has not yet driven into the crowd, and there are no fences or isolation piers in the square.

When I passed the Telegraph Building, the chime clock on the building was striking twelve; there were many people queuing up to buy steamed buns in front of the "Qingfeng Baozi Shop", and "Chang'an Theater" had just finished a movie, and the crowd was crowded and occupied half of the street. On the road, people are talking about the demeanor of Prince Sihanouk.The sky was clear that day, and I was very happy to ride all the way.

She got off at the "Union Building" stop and walked along the boulevard, and I slowed down to keep pace with her on the street.

She turned into the building area, and I rode straight towards Muxidi Bridge, turned onto Sanlihe Road, passed the gate of Yuyuantan Park, passed the "Second Ministry of Machinery" under the building of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, and passed the Ministry of Finance and the People's Bank of China in front of the head office building. He rode to the front of her house and pinched the brake to stop.She happened to have just arrived by another road and entered the building door.

I smoked a cigarette, locked my bicycle at the entrance of an auditorium, and went upstairs. The hallway inside the building was empty.

I opened the door of her house with the master key.When passing by her parents' room, she raised the curtain and took a look, but there was no one inside.

She had just taken off her skirt and was sitting on the edge of the bed in her underwear to change her slippers. When she saw me suddenly barging in, she was taken aback and didn't even think of taking any cover-up actions.

I walked up to her with enthusiasm and a very solemn expression.

She only had time to let out a short cry before I threw myself onto the bed.

She fought me with all her strength, and I couldn't hold her back so I punched her hard in the face.I tore off her bra straps, and she was half naked. Then she suddenly stopped struggling and asked me patiently:

"Do you find this exciting?"

I ignored her, stood on the ground and said to her after finishing what I wanted to do: "You deserve it!"

Then he turned and slammed the door away.

With a contented grin, I rode slowly on the sunny street, with my feet turned out like ducks, and I kicked the wheel with a slack chain with my heels.

I saw her swollen eyes and lips, and her unkempt, hedgehog-like bristles.

Everyone on the road looks at me.

When I went home and looked in the mirror, I found that there were blood streaks scratched by her nails on my neck and cheeks, which were burning and painful to the touch.

Just let her hate me, I thought as I rubbed red syrup on the wound, but she'll always remember me!

One thing I can still remember that summer was diving in the Workers Stadium pool.

I've never jumped into water from a ledge.I got on the ten-meter platform, and when I looked down, I immediately felt dizzy.I went down the ladder to the seven-meter diving platform, and still felt the depth and narrowness of the swimming pool below.

I stood on the five-meter diving platform, looking at the clear blue sky, I really wanted to be one with it, disappear in its infinity, so that no one can find me anywhere, just like I have never been Been in this world.Will anyone be sad for me?I thought sadly.

I closed my eyes and jumped forward, my feet were suspended in the air suddenly, and my body fell irretrievably to the water surface, and I became deaf with a "hoo", and I splashed on the water surface with a "bang" in the silence and silence of all thoughts .The water waves hit me with a powerful impact, and exploded one by one all over my body. The sharp water jets pierced my nasal cavity, ear pinna and soft abdomen, engulfing me completely in an instant, Accepted me and hugged me with piercing coldness and boundless tenderness.I rolled and crawled on the bottom of the clear and transparent pool, waving my arms and kicking my legs in horror, trying to touch and step on something hard and solid, but wherever my hands and feet went, there was a tender emptiness.I can feel their heavy and flexible existence, but they can be gathered and dispersed invisible, and I grab them, and watch them spill out and slip away from my fingers.

The halo cast by the sun on the bottom of the water is dazzling.

I swam numbly to the shore.When I braced myself on the edge of the pool and was about to climb ashore, I saw the classmate who had been beaten by us standing in front of me wearing swimming trunks.He stepped on my face with one foot and kicked hard, and I fell back into the pool.

He and a few companions wandered back and forth on the shore, as long as I showed my head somewhere, they kicked me off.It was obvious that the game entertained and excited them.Whenever I fell back into the water in embarrassment, they laughed, only my classmate stared at me with gritted teeth, and kept uttering a series of vicious curses.

They used more and more force, and my face and shoulders were red from being kicked.I was exhausted swimming in the pool, and people who jumped off the platform one after another kept splashing high water splashes left and right behind me, and the sound of "plop" and "plop" fell into the water one after another.

I began to drink water non-stop, repeatedly sinking into the water and struggling to surface again.They didn't show any sign of giving up. Seeing that I would never touch the shore, they screamed to pour water on me, and several of them had already stretched their legs into the pool.

I sobbed and wept silently as I swam in despair.

(Originally published in "Harvest" No. 1991, 5)
(End of this chapter)