The Devil's Conversation Learning: Instantly Become Friends with Strangers

Chapter 4

In modern society, if you don't know how to strike up a conversation, you will definitely lose the key to open the door of interpersonal relationship, and a person without interpersonal relationship will have a fragile career and life.We say that striking up a conversation is a normal way of socializing, which is not only very "serious", but also requires in-depth research and summary.The cuteness and value of the former US President George W. Bush is that he likes to strike up a conversation. He once concluded that his network resources basically come from taking the initiative to strike up a conversation.Many people actually don't know that the biggest function of striking up a conversation is social interaction, so they unintentionally interrupt their own career and give up the most basic way of socializing, striking up a conversation.

Traditional interpersonal communication is carried out in communities, such as neighbors, classmates, colleagues, circle of friends, business circle, and so on.We live in groups and pass countless people every day.The life of the community is like the traffic of trains and ships. We are assigned to each car and each cabin; but we are driving the car ourselves when we strike up a conversation.Since you are a driver, of course you need to know the traffic rules.In this sense, there are many details that need to be paid attention to in socializing, that is, enough respect should be given to personal space.

For example, there is an essential difference between the two sentences "I want to know you" and "Leave a contact information".In fact, mobile phone numbers are personal information with a relatively high level of security, and it is necessary to exchange them only if the other party is willing.Therefore, "I want to get to know you" is just to express the intention of coming, and to clarify the direction for the next chat, just like telling the other party that you are not a salesman; and "Leave a contact information" is a result that each other feels good after the chat.If there is no such process, then striking up a conversation becomes a "discussion" number, which is a bit annoying.

To give another example, striking up a conversation is like knocking on the door. After "Dang Dang Dang", the host will naturally ask "Who is that?"At this time, directly expressing the intention of coming is the minimum rule, only a fool would say "come out and see".And even after the host opens the door with a smile, you can't just go straight to the kang.From the front yard to the back yard, you should go step by step.

The role that strike up plays in social interaction is also reflected in conversation.We have to listen to the other person's implication when speaking. This is what the environment has taught us since childhood, but that is the routine for dealing with acquaintances.Interacting with strangers is actually not that complicated.Chinese people are not good at striking up a conversation, which may be related to strict community experience.Once upon a time, people's parents and leaders had the final say on love and marriage, and the organization provided all the security, and the consciousness of personal space was downplayed in collective life.Therefore, once interacting with strangers who have no relationship, most people become overwhelmed, because without the protection of the circle, individuals without personal space are as awkward and reckless as being naked.To really let everyone accept the behavior of chatting up, we must first give enough recognition to the existence of personal space.

The most important thing to strike up a conversation with is to treat the other person as an equal individual.Equality is one of the principles that must be followed in interpersonal communication.You have the opportunity to make a request, and people also have the right to choose and refuse. Being angry and stalking are all behaviors that run counter to the real strike-up, even if you use love at first sight as an excuse.Starting from the meaning of equality, we should also understand the concepts of "chat" or "discourse" from another angle.The essence of chatting up a conversation should be to express your true self, not to "manipulate" the other party.We can strike up a conversation with every interested person we meet, but we don't have to make ourselves accepted by everyone we strike up a conversation with.So, unless you have a hundred partners and have nothing to say to them, maybe you should reflect on it at this time and improve yourself.

Pick up conversations in social activities should be steady, and don't stumble on "seeking quickness".Don't think that being anxious will give the other person the impression that you care about him. The first time you strike up a conversation is definitely not the time to prove it.

Here is an example of a man and a woman: when talking about the opening remarks, it is not appropriate to be behind her, let alone block her way.If you are approaching her from behind, you can walk steadily to her left front or right front.You can also add gestures, such as reaching out to her at waist height, palms down.Then start your opening statement.It's best to get her to stop and talk to you, and it's best to get her to turn a little bit away from her original direction.For example, as you introduce yourself, take a step or two around her and let her turn and face you naturally.The change in body language helps her change roles: from rushing to do that to doing this (knowing you).Otherwise, even if she doesn't dislike you, she originally planned to do something. When you appear, her train of thought has not changed, and she has already walked a few steps away from you.If you are facing each other, don't walk towards her completely facing her, but face her diagonally in a misplaced position, probably facing her with your shoulders, and approach her slowly.These body language treatments are designed to reduce a woman's panic towards strange men and make her feel more secure.It's best if you can make her feel that you might leave at any moment, so she will be more confident that you have no bad intentions.When talking, if she leans back or even retreats, don't approach her, keep standing still, and slowly lean her upper body back a little while talking.You can only approach her when she leans over.And you have to be careful not to touch any part of her body when striking up a conversation.If she obviously doesn't want to listen to you, or even waved her hand and turned away, you'd better give up.

The above details all show that striking up a conversation is not so much a skill as an etiquette for interacting with strangers.That is to say, in social activities, the main role of striking up a conversation is reflected in etiquette.In the process of striking up a conversation, we should constantly absorb experience, improve our personal charm and language expression ability, strengthen the ability to grasp the psychology of interpersonal communication, and use etiquette to strike up a conversation to maximize the role of the conversation.

In short, only by following certain social etiquette to strike up a conversation can you meet all kinds of people.When you meet a variety of people, your options expand greatly.Only in this way can it be helpful for future life and career.

Further reading: Personal Charisma

Charm refers to a special attraction, fascination.Charm means to seduce and attract, and it is a term mainly aimed at people, such as the charm of laughter, the charm of voice, the charm of eyes, the charm of body, the charm of character, the charm of personality, and so on.In fact, not everyone has a beautiful appearance, but everyone has their own unique charm.On the big stage of society, beauty cannot withstand too much wind and rain, only the flower of charm can bloom forever!Each of us must start from the following aspects and strive to cultivate our own personal charm.

(1) Expressive power.When you are in front of many people, your ideas may be many and very clever, but if you can't say it, who will know?If your expression can be cadenced, relaxed and happy, and make customers like it, this is your charm.

(2) Listening ability.For those who are less educated or even less trained, listening more is also a key to communication. To make the other party feel that you value him, you must learn to listen to others. Listening more is your listening skills.

(3) Persuasion.This is a technique for encouraging people to accept your leadership, or to adopt your ideas.An idea, no matter how great it may be, is useless if it is not adopted.This requires a persuasive charisma.

(4) insight.It doesn't matter how powerful a rhetorician you are, how good a person you are at building relationships, how good your image is, or even how well you capitalize on the timing and location, you have to have a lot of it It can be right, otherwise you are just an empty shelf, so you have to constantly enrich yourself.

(5) Interpersonal power.It's impossible to form a connection without knowing someone else's style.Only by learning to see from the standpoint of the other party and adapt to others can you improve the adaptability of your behavior and establish good interpersonal relationships.

(6) Space-time force.This point is often overlooked by everyone. In fact, the space-time ability can not only promote the harmony of interpersonal relationships, but also break them.At different times and places, you can get along very happily with everyone, which is the ability to adapt to others.

Not every single factor can constitute personal charm. In fact, the reason why a top-notch master is attractive is because he has such a method or skill that is integrated.A person's charm is not born with it, nor is it based on IQ or genetics, nor is it based on how much money and property you have or how lucky you are in social status. The most important thing is that all of these Everything is earned through your personal efforts.

06．New strike-up doctrine: please be more direct

Simplicity, directness, sincerity, and politeness are the communication concepts of the new strike-up approach.The so-called new strike-up doctrine is relative to the traditional and conservative concept of interpersonal communication. Its purpose is to regard strike-up as the most direct and rapid means of communication between people.Under the guidance of this policy, the new strike-up doctrine has its own philosophy.Whether we can correctly understand these concepts determines our basic attitude towards strike-up.

The new strike-up doctrine seeks to abandon all redundant formulas, lies and nonsense.For example, "Hello, I saw you over there and thought you had a good temperament, so I came to get to know you." This combination of greetings, compliments, and intentions to come has never been a routine of the new strike-up approach.The new pick-up-ism starts with "Hi, I want to get to know you," with at most a little bit of kindness and an innocent smile.

Greeting plus indicating the intention of coming does not require additional praise at all; in other words, directly expressing the intention of coming is itself a kind of compliment.And "I think you have a good temperament", this sentence is too similar to all kinds of salesmen, and, do you really come to strike up a conversation because of the other party's good temperament?

New pickupism advocates telling the truth in a fun way.The opening statement above can be transformed into the following two ways:

"Hello, I saw you over there just now, and suddenly I really wanted to get to know you, so I came here as soon as I got thick-skinned."

"I don't know why I want to know you, but I ran over as soon as my head got hot."

Saying that you have a thick skin and a hot head is definitely closer to the truth than saying that the other party has a good temperament, and it is easier to be accepted by girls especially.In fact, this is also in line with the inspirational philosophy of "Being a man must be himself".

When chatting with strangers, being rejected is an unavoidable possibility. In essence, the methods and techniques advocated by the old stereotypes are nothing more than delaying the possibility of being rejected, while the new chat-up doctrine is to come up. Just face rejection calmly.But once you get past the first hurdle, the next steps tend to be easy.

In fact, on the premise of not making any self-introduction and without any situational topic, directly expressing intentions in a "naked" posture can also be used to examine the other party's first reaction to you. Continue, save time and effort, and exercise your psychological quality by the way.Therefore, in actual operation, the new strike-up doctrine pays more attention to one's own appearance. For example, it is more useful to wipe your shoes clean than to learn a few magic tricks.

The new strike-up doctrine focuses on observing the other party's state.Because the goodwill cultivated is often limited, but the goodwill unearthed is often full of surprises.In the short life, there will always be some people who know how to appreciate us and pass by. It is our greatest happiness not to miss them.

Some people like to infer the success rate of striking up a conversation by observing the other person's clothing and demeanor before speaking, or increase the success rate of striking up a conversation through eye contact, but according to a lot of practice, these are actually "intent".Success or failure can only be determined by speaking. Therefore, the new strike-up doctrine only pays attention to observing the other party's reaction after speaking.Before striking up a conversation, the only thing we should pay attention to is the progress of the other party to determine the timing of the shot, and the shot is affirmative.

The new strike-up doctrine follows the principles of protecting one's own safety and respecting the wishes of the other party.If the other party refuses to communicate after speaking, no matter what the other party's answer is, we will "withdraw" in one word, without explanation, persuasion, or even goodbye.Some people's approach is "would rather be entangled with a thousand than miss one", while the new strike-up approach is "rather miss a thousand than be entangled with one"!Only by realizing this can you truly become a new strike-up advocate who can afford to let go.

In order to avoid being abrupt when striking up a conversation, some people like to start with situational topics first, and then transition to the real purpose they want to know.We are not opposed to a natural opening, but the word "natural" must be true and natural.That is to say, if there is such a topic right there, it is of course good for you to have it at your fingertips.But if you want to pick up someone who is in a hurry, the most natural way should be to be honest and direct. "I want to get to know you" is much more effective than "I see you often".This is exactly the "direct and rapid" that the new strike-up doctrine has always advocated.

Some people think that it is unrealistic to establish attraction first and then express your intention.In three or five sentences, unless you are deliberately showing off, it is difficult to show high value.As for the language of humor and wisdom, even Qian Zhongshu, the master of humor, can't just open his mouth.Therefore, striking up a conversation is striking up a conversation, relying on the good impression of the first impression to leave a chance for future understanding, that's all.

In a word, the new strike-up doctrine based on the concept of simplicity, directness, sincerity, and politeness is a new way of making friends, and this is the true meaning of interpersonal communication.If there is still a need for a comment, it is to give convenience to others and leave embarrassment to yourself.

Of course, the idea of ​​new strike-up is just to provide us with an opportunity to get to know others, it is impossible to create others' good opinion of you through techniques.It just corrects some of your mistakes. Whether you can successfully meet someone you are interested in depends on various factors such as the person's personality.In the process of striking up a conversation with people, as long as you can be truly simple, direct, sincere, and polite, then you will definitely become a veritable master of striking up a conversation.

Further reading: How to communicate effectively

The term "greetings" is interpreted by the modern Chinese dictionary as: talking about the weather and other entertainment when meeting.To put it bluntly, it means asking about the cold and the warmth.Greetings are two-way emotional exchanges, and their basic function is to connect emotions.The first contact with a new person, it is a good start to establish an emotional connection for social activities.So, how to do an effective "greeting"?

(1) Take a positive stance.Generally speaking, people who go out to do errands should take the initiative to greet, salespersons should take the initiative to greet customers, juniors should take the initiative to greet elders when they meet elders, and superiors should adopt a positive attitude towards subordinates and take the initiative to greet them. It is also a manifestation of the good style of leadership.

(2) Be considerate and considerate.Entertainment is not only dual, sometimes multiple.Therefore, when meeting many people to greet each other, you can't just consider one or two of them and leave the others aside.

(3) Good at choosing topics.The topic of conversation should be a question that not only shows concern for others and their relatives, makes the other party feel warm, but also makes the other party happy to talk about and easier to answer.Such as: "Your work is busy", "The old man is in good health" and so on.Avoid topics that cannot be discussed in a few words, and never touch the hidden pain of the other party.

(4) Pay attention to flexibility.To distinguish objects, change the words of greetings according to the closeness, familiarity, familiarity of the objects; change the words of greetings according to the time of day, such as "good morning", "good night" and so on; you should also decide the exchange of greetings according to your own leisure time how many times.

(5) Pay attention to the method.Greetings when meeting strangers for the first time generally require two or three questions and answers, while greetings between acquaintances often only need a word or a greeting.If you haven't seen each other for a long time, there should be two or three questions and answers.

(End of this chapter)