Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 11 Put the impulsive devil in a cage (3)
From an aesthetic point of view, when there is a huge conflict between the fate of the characters in the play and the times, and the characters finally choose to perish, this kind of behavior is close to the sublime.For example, in the famous Chinese dramas "Du Shiniang Sinks the Treasure Box in Anger", "Farewell My Concubine" and so on, the audience will sigh, shed tears and sigh when the beautiful things in front of them disappear little by little. Hegel called this "sublime". beautiful".

Tragedy on stage brews a sublime aesthetic, but what happens off stage?The impulsive process of the people we see in our lives who are furious over trivial matters seems to be full of heroism, but what about the sense of beauty?If their affairs are performed on the stage, it will be a great comedy to the audience, and the more impulsive he is, the more the audience wants to laugh.

Therefore, heroism is just a beautiful illusion woven by impulsive people for themselves. The truth is that they have successfully corrupted their own image.

Everyone knows that impulsiveness is the devil, but there are still many people who can't hold their breath.Once the impulse comes up, those trivial things are enough to make them fight.

Mr. Huang, who was at home, was walking his dog on the lawn of the community after dinner one day, and Mr. Xu, who lived in the same community, happened to be playing with his pet dog here.The two dogs fought as soon as they met, and a dispute arose between the two.During this quarrel, the two sides clashed, and Mr. Huang injured Mr. Xu's arm.Furious, Mr. Xu threw Mr. Huang to the ground and punched and kicked him.As a result, three ribs in Mr. Huang's right front chest were fractured, reaching the level of mild injury.

After the incident, the two entered the courtroom.According to the judgment of the court, Mr. Xu's behavior had constituted intentional injury. Under the mediation of the court, Mr. Xu compensated Mr. Huang for 5 yuan in economic losses, and Mr. Huang finally forgave him.

Bitter fruit → face of loathing → torn happiness
Trivial things don't seem like a big deal, but why do they always lead to bitter fruit?

Our course center receives the most consultations every day, which is the family conflicts of some young couples.In the eyes of their parents, these trivial matters are no different from trifles, but in the eyes of young people, these things are almost unbearable and unforgivable, and a little thing may tear their new marriage apart.This is only the least of the consequences, because the most important is the death-in many cases, there are records of trivialities leading to murders.

Motivation - "I want to win!"

We are all curious, what is the motivation of an impulsive person when he acts impulsively?Is it because they have exhibitionism?Or are they narrow-minded?Or too self-respecting or selfish?

The answer is: both.

If our hearts were a piece of land, the soil layer on the field of an impulsive person would be very thin, as long as a little water is poured on it, it will leak down.Why can't this kind of soil hold water?Because there are a lot of gravel in the soil, there is no nutrition, and naturally no good plants can grow.

Compulsive impulse
There must be such a person by your side: he does not allow anyone to point out that his hair is a little bald, he does not allow others to say that he is fat, he does not allow others to discuss his age, and he does not allow others to find out that he has undergone plastic surgery secretly... In short, he Secretly formulate many terms that are funny to others, and force the people around him to follow his set, otherwise he will be impulsive.

selfish impulse
There is also a kind of person who thinks that if he does not take advantage of it, it is a kind of disadvantage.They will be overjoyed when they take advantage of it, and will be furious when they don't take advantage of it, thinking that the whole world owes him and it is only fair that he must pay him back. Such people are selfish and impulsive.

Inertial impulse

Like the properties of matter, impulse has its inertia.Once a person is impulsive once, there will soon be a second, third, and countless times until he pays a heavy price.This is because, when faced with an impulsive person, we are used to backing away, unable to provoke and hide, and then the impulsive person laughs:
"Are you afraid? I will use this trick next time."

Or, he experienced the pleasure of venting during the impulsive process, and completed the emotional balance in this extreme way-for his subconscious mind, this is a successful experience, so he will repeat it next time impulse.

Physiological impulse
In the field of Western medicine, those who are easily impulsive are usually more lenient.They will explain the impulsive behavior from a medical point of view, such as whether the person has an excess of adrenaline or a lack of B vitamins.But in China, the most basic thing about being a human being is that you must have self-cultivation—no matter what disease you have, you should have a broad mind. Even if the doctor prescribes you a prescription to explain impulsive behavior, everyone still thinks that you have problems in being a human being.

Therefore, impulsive people are often identified as suffering from "emotional illness" in European and American societies, and are often labeled as "narrow-minded" in Chinese society.

value impulse
Are impulsive people unreasonable?On the contrary, the impulsive person likes to reason the most, but only his own way.No matter how reasonable what you say, as long as it is not within his reasoning system, he will not listen to a word.Because in his view, he is the center of the universe: "If everything in the world does not revolve around me, I will be impulsive."

Is it a matter of temper?No, it's a matter of values.Therefore, values ​​must be corrected, otherwise he will be impulsive all his life and think he is on the standpoint of justice.

Emotional Self-Management Course
control quantity
Lovers: There should be no more than 10 quarrels per year, that is, no more than one quarrel per month on average. This is a threshold.Our research shows that couples who fight more than once a month are on average no more than seven months away from breaking up.When a man and a woman are together, they are so impulsive that they can't even tolerate 1 quarrels.

Friends: A quarrel between friends, even once a year, is enough to add moisture to the friendship you have, or even lose this friend forever.Therefore, among friends, you should not be impulsive, especially because of some trivial matters, which will irreparably damage friendship.

Colleague: If you are someone who likes to fight with your boss, is that a good thing or a bad thing?In my opinion, if the topic of your quarrel is positive and constructive to the development of the company, and you pay attention to the way of discussion - not hurting the boss's emotions, but also showing your talent, this number should be kept at a daily rate. Less than 2 times a month is advisable.Even if you don't piss your boss off, if you do it more than twice a month, he'll get bored sooner or later.

With yourself: Yes, you are not dazzled, and we have quarrels with ourselves, which is normal, but it is only limited to quietly and subconsciously playing games and contests between two "selfs".This number is 3 times - add up all the big and small things, we can't have more than 3 times of "dilemma" and "self-contradictory" every day, otherwise we may become a split personality that is both indecisive and extremely irritable and arbitrary people.

◎Test: Are you an impulsive monster?
Impulses of any kind—whether to others or to himself—carry potentially destructive consequences because his behavior itself is uncontrolled and emotional.This destructive consequence manifests itself when rationality is completely lost.

Do you consider yourself an impulsive person?

Have you impulsively done something that wasn't planned?
If you want to know if you are impulsive, to what extent, and how to improve, please answer the questions in the following test and find the corresponding answer.

1. Do you like mountain climbing?

I don't like it, I'm a little afraid of heights→2
Like, mountain climbing is a sport that exercises will and is adventurous→3
2. Who would you choose to ask directions?
same-sex or elderly→4
Not sure, I usually look for someone with a good face→5
3. Unfortunately, when you were in a hurry to go out, it suddenly rained heavily, what would you do?
What is rain?No delay→4
Let the rain stop! →7
4. It's hot and you just got a thirst-quenching drink, will you?
Drink it all in one go, have a good drink→8
Drink slowly, and no one will grab me→6
5. You were involved in a tragic car accident, how would you react?
Although a little uncomfortable, I still continue to watch what happens next→6
Immediately leave, unable to watch → 7
6. Would you buy a famous brand if your financial capacity allowed it?
I will definitely choose better quality ones, but I will not deliberately pursue famous brands→9
Be sure to buy famous brands, you get what you pay for→10
7. Do you often forget to bring your mobile phone or do not know where it is?
often→9
No, this is a very personal item→11
8. Are you sad because your favorite idol has a relationship?

Very heartbroken, someone actually snatched him→9
No, it was impossible, and I didn’t think too much about him→10
9. Do you have artistic talent?
None → Type A

Yes, even without special training, but I am sure there is → 10
10. Will you follow the male and female protagonists in the TV series?

Yes, I was moved to cry and laugh by the protagonist's feelings→C
Type Sometimes, most of the time not, there are not many TV dramas that can fascinate me→11
11. You live alone, what kind of clothes do you wear at home?
Wear it casually, don't pay attention → Type B

Maintain your image even at home → Type D

Impulse Hierarchy Analysis:

Type A people who are not easily impulsive
You are a very cautious person, you will carefully assess the risks before doing things, and you usually do not do things that are not planned out of impulse.However, this also leads to you thinking too much and doing too little, lacking initiative.You have a low impulsive index, but you are easily influenced by others. If someone instigates you, you may do things that you don't even expect.

Type B covert impulsive person

You look indifferent on the outside, but you are actually very enthusiastic on the inside. You are a real person who is cold on the outside and hot on the inside.Your impulsiveness is deceptive. At the beginning, there is no sign of impulsiveness, especially when you first meet a stranger, and others will think you are very serious.Once the other party has gained your trust, your inner impulsiveness will emerge, and you will even tell the other party very private things.You must be careful at this time, because this "familiarity" will make you more and more impulsive, and you will become more and more gullible.

Type C is very impulsive
Among your friends, you are a lively and cheerful person, outspoken, do not hide your thoughts, and say what you have.However, this character is the most prone to impulsive brewing.Sometimes you say things you shouldn't say and do things you shouldn't do in a flash of your head.At the beginning, everyone just thought that you might have been careless and made a slip of the tongue. Even you yourself easily forgave this behavior and found an excuse for yourself to be "careless".Over time, your "speaking without intention" will be upgraded to "open-mouthed". Friends will talk to you carefully and dare not disclose private things to you, because your impulsive inertia is doomed to keep your mouth shut.

Type D is never impulsive
You are very good at thinking, logical and clear.Whether you talk or do things, your behavior is thoughtful, which makes you look "regular".So, even if someone wants to frame you, it's not an easy task.Your impulsivity index is very low, and the behavior of doing what you say and walking away seems very immature to you, so you often act as a "blocker".However, you are a very trustworthy person with many friends, but because of your defensiveness, you don't have many people to talk to. Your friends even think you are a bit boring, so they don't talk to you about some very creative ideas.

(End of this chapter)