Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 15 Am I someone who is not easily satisfied? (2)
From disgust to exhaustion, and then changing jobs again, I am very passionate at the beginning of each new job, and of course I have the ability, but it can’t last, because I am always dissatisfied, never satisfied, and I always feel that I can still pursue Go higher and change to a better target.Because I change jobs too frequently now, and start from scratch every time, so I am almost 30 years old, and I have never achieved anything, and I don’t even have a girlfriend.When it comes to women, my requirements are even higher. I have been on blind dates seven or eight times, but every time I don’t see eye to eye, I am afraid that I will miss the next better one, so I decided: wait a little longer, maybe I can meet someone more in a few days. suitable for me?In this way, I missed the very suitable girl in front of me.

I also know that a person can only focus on doing one thing in his life, and he must have self-knowledge and contentment, but I can't control myself.I am easily dissatisfied with the status quo and disgusted.At present, I am doing education and training work in a school in Hangzhou. Now I feel that it is certainly possible, but I have vaguely felt that the passion is disappearing, and the exhaustion and the urge to give up are coming soon.what to do?I am very worried. If I have to change jobs in the end, I really don't know what kind of life I should live and what kind of life I will have.

I hope you can help me and tell me what I really need.Thanks!
problem analysis:

Judging from Mr. Zhu's performance, the problem is actually not complicated. This is a typical impetuous mood at work.He has high ideals and strict requirements on himself, hoping to have a good career and a good development.But at the same time, he has higher requirements for the environment, and every detail must meet the "perfect standard" in his heart, so as to satisfy his desire, calm his emotions, and stimulate his motivation to adapt for a long time.

However, how is this possible?No one thing is perfect, and no one job is perfect.If Mr. Zhu does not change his mind—to adapt to the environment instead of forcing the environment to adapt to him, then his impetuous mood will continue and deepen, and it will be an inevitable result that nothing will be achieved in the end.

Adrian's experience on the rig described above also falls into this category.The perfect pursuit of emotional experience has led to a huge gap in reality in their minds.Therefore, it is not a good thing to increase appetite. Only by starting from a low point and starting from small satisfaction can we give us lasting motivation. Such people are more likely to succeed, and they are usually more calm and rational.

On the contrary, those who have broad interests, are intelligent and active, they are very proficient in handling various affairs, and they have high requirements. Instead, they always feel that they are not easy to satisfy, or: "I can do better!" Isn't it a pain to feel negative and bored at work?
When we change every new way of experience, what is the problem that makes you feel bored and impetuous?We can fundamentally change the current situation and find a real solution only by summarizing the commonality of the problems and adjusting our emotions.

Do you constantly feel dissatisfied with yourself or others, and therefore find fault with everything you or others do?
Do you often consider the needs of others at the expense of your own needs and opportunities?

Do you think you are doing your best in everything you do, but you often wish you could take it easy?
Do you often plan what to do today and what to do tomorrow, but often change the plan you have made?
Do you keep thinking that something might work better if it were done another way?

Do you often feel dissatisfied with your clothing or living room layout, so you change them frequently?
Are you constantly re-doing the work yourself because someone else didn't get it right the first time?
When you are working, if your attention is interrupted by other people's words or actions, do you feel angry and want to go up and teach them?
When you plan to shop, don't you want to ignore those who promote you, but find the information you need and then make a choice?

Do you feel disgusted by people who take things lightly and accuse them of being irresponsible behind their backs?
I sent these 10 questions to Mr. Zhu - they are established topics in the emotional management course, which are used to test a person's emotional self-control ability and reflect whether his requirements for life are easy, strict or perfect.Among these three levels, if the answer to more than 7 items is yes, it has reached the highest level of perfection, indicating that it is easy to have problems with emotional loss, and the root cause is that you are extremely dissatisfied with the status quo and always eager to achieve better status.

This requirement is both internal and external.Mr. Zhu's feedback tells me that he is between perfect and strict (6 questions gave positive answers), and the situation is not too serious.

He first needs to realize the practical significance of the work, not the ideal value.

Practical significance: to support the family.

Ideal value: self-realization.

I told him that only when you support yourself first, have a long-term stable income, and accumulate to a certain extent, can you have the capital to seek better development.Otherwise, everything you do becomes water without a source, like a child standing on the ground desperately trying to catch the moon.Although the ideal is perfect, the behavior is impulsive, impetuous and ridiculous.

Secondly, Mr. Zhu has to take strict restrictions on his behavior to control the kidnapping of his actions by desire.When he has the idea of ​​changing jobs again, he should decisively deny this idea at the first time, and then immediately list all the advantages of this job on a piece of paper:

The salary is good and I can save money.

My boss likes me and I have a bright future in the company.

Colleagues are friendly and I've made some friends.

……

If he can step on the first brake and successfully delay the idea of ​​resignation, he has taken the first smooth step.If he is still dissatisfied, and has psychological fluctuations of job-hopping or "seeking ideals" from time to time, it doesn't matter, list it as a fixed mechanism, and list the advantages of this job once a month (can't be shorter)-don't write down the disadvantages, Rack your brains to write all the good things about the company.

Like Mr. Zhu, if you have the same thoughts and have always hated this job, then the advantages of writing on paper will become less and less. Then think about how to find a better job for yourself.The indicators of this new job should also be written clearly on paper and listed as mandatory requirements, if the new job cannot meet these indicators, or you are not sure that the new job has opened the door, just wait for you to complete the resignation procedures As long as you can go to work, you can't resign to your boss to suppress this harmful desire for lack of planning.

Emotional Self-Management Course
perfect pressure control
Relaxation requirements: Don't keep a straight face every day, and don't be too strict with yourself and others.Lower your standards and instinctively untie yourself, so that you can keep your mentality healthy instead of emotionally tense.

Take a break from work: Build a long-term peaceful relationship with yourself.For example, I have to understand that after leaving work, I still have many things to do. Work is not the most important thing, and other things are also meaningful.Although it is very difficult for us to do this in reality, if we establish a trust mechanism and persist in it for a long time, it will definitely improve our mood and make us more satisfied with life.

Don't invest too much: If you invest too much emotion in any one thing, once the return does not meet your expectations, we will suffer.Therefore, invest in what you can, and always establish a red line that can advance and retreat, so that you will not feel lost when the goal is not achieved, and you will not be led by the nose by your inner desire.

Ask for help: Realize that you, too, need help.To never be satisfied is to let yourself play a strong role and pursue perfection in everything. Then, when dealing with things, it is easy to go to the two extremes of A or B, and put yourself on the fire of tension.Therefore, when you need others, speak up in time, ask for their opinions, and "rescue" yourself.Remember, if you are not sure whether you need help, the attitude you should adopt is "don't refuse" rather than "run away".

Release, not suppress: It would be very bad behavior if we were always complaining internally, pressurizing ourselves and others, creating a tense atmosphere without taking constructive action.Sometimes you need to express your views, but more importantly, discuss solutions, which will make you develop a good habit of not avoiding problems.For example, when you feel that others have messed up the environment, suggesting that they restore the environment to its original state and do it together is more valuable than simply "swearing" and "spitting".

◎ Root: Find yourself outside yourself

In 2006, on the first day of our emotional management course in San Francisco, we organized more than 100 students to go to a farm in the suburbs for a "kowtow ceremony".I chose the venue for the ceremony on an open grassland near the farm, covering more than 2000 square meters and stretching as far as the eye can see. There is no shelter around, and cars and pedestrians coming and going on the opposite road can see us.

Here comes the question: yes, why is there a collective prostration in such an open environment, and what is the significance?
After getting out of the car, the students found the environment like this, and expressed their dissent in a hurry:

"I can't do it, many people are watching!"

"Is it appropriate to kneel here? My identity is not suitable!"

"Mr. Paul, are you sure we don't need to change to a closed space?"

"I can kneel at night, but not during the day!"

The students had different opinions and kept arguing. Some people were so excited that they turned around and planned to leave. They didn't want to play this game anymore.At that moment, they may feel that even if they go back to the company and continue to work with headaches, it is easier than bowing down. They would rather go back and suffer inner torture than make such a rude behavior and make people laugh.Our emotional consultants came out to maintain order and discouraged the students from staying for a few more minutes before deciding whether to quit.

My answer is: "Pow down your body, completely prostrate on the ground, let every inch of your body be close to the soil, let go of your body and mind, like a mountain collapsed."

"What mountain?"

I said: "The mountain of desire, the mountain of arrogance, the mountain of stubbornness, lie on the ground with the whole body, soothe the nerves, unblock the breath, open the door of the heart, release the distress, and vent the fire of desire. Otherwise, you don't know how tired you are, you You don’t know how bitter life is, and you don’t know how vast the world is. Even if your desires satisfy you, you can’t get rid of this endless suffering. But just get down, let go, let yourself fall off the mountain, and completely forget yourself, and you will be It is equivalent to a baptism of the soul, leaving behind all the stagnant bad intentions, fame and fortune, competition and restlessness, in exchange for a new life from the inside out."

This simple method, like a sledgehammer, smashes all concerns, face, identity, status and other things related to utilitarian desires, making our souls naked, without any weight, and can be stretched freely. Enjoy the tranquility and relaxation of returning to the earth and returning to zero.

"Where am I?" → outside of oneself

Everyone suddenly realized that they were willing to give it a try, and immediately a dozen people fell to the ground.The rest of the people hesitated a bit, but when they saw someone taking the lead, they all straightened their clothes, put down their bags, and followed them on their knees.We all made the same gesture, including me and everyone on the course team.

I felt the coldness of the ground, but more importantly, it was extremely comfortable and comfortable.I have never felt so relaxed like this time, and the backlog of work on the desk is no longer the pressure on my mind.I don't even remember them anymore, except that I was performing a sacred ritual that would bring me back to life.

(End of this chapter)