Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 23 Are You Such An Emotional Geek? (1)
Many people lack the ability to manage emotions and are always psychologically unbalanced because they cannot see themselves.So pay more attention to yourself and be surprised by every progress you make, only then can you become peaceful and tolerant.

◎"I won't quarrel!"

Mary, a 23-year-old female midwife in a hospital in New York, "I really don't know how to quarrel!" Although I often cry helplessly in my heart, I am such a person--just because I don't quarrel with you doesn't mean I don't hold grudges against you.

I have always believed that quarreling is a kind of physical work, and it is also a technical work.People who can quarrel should first have a quality-narrow thinking, not paying attention to the feelings of the other party except themselves.

Linda and I had an argument about cleaning last week.Since she is lazy and I have a slight obsession with cleanliness, the division of labor for cleaning has become a very serious disagreement.

I blushed and said to her, "You one three five, I two four six, and Sundays are mine too. That's fair enough!"

Linda told me articulately and clearly: "I don't like cleaning, if you mind, then you can do it yourself!"

I was dumbfounded and didn't know how to refute her for a while, but I was already out of breath.Her words hurt me deeply, we live in the same situation, can't she contribute a little bit?What's more, maintaining environmental sanitation is a matter for the two of us. I am also very busy and tired when I go to and from get off work every day. How can I be responsible for cleaning alone?Did she blame me for being troubled by saying that?
But I didn't say those words, not a single word.I felt that I had suffered a great humiliation and slammed the door of the room hard.While complaining about Linda's laziness and indifference, I also blamed myself for being too slow and stupid.If those words could be said tit for tat at that time, Linda should be the one who is hurt now, right?God knows how much I wanted to hurt her once.But I would only be angry and silent alone when the dispute happened, and then shed tears silently. The next day, I would act as if nothing happened, and let time slowly resolve the embarrassment.

If you think I am so tolerant and kind, you are wrong.I felt that I was cowardly, so I willingly endured Linda's oppression.But anger builds up if it's not released, doesn't it?
A week later, I sneaked into Linda's room before she got off work, spilled a lot of tomato juice on her favorite dress, smashed her makeup box, and poured water in her room. A place of garbage.This is how I get my revenge, peacefully, but with eternal pain.

Some people never express their emotions, but keep them in their hearts.What will happen in these people's world if they are not released?For example, there is a couple in Iowa who never quarreled, and they never blushed. No matter how big the conflict was, they laughed it off; Respect each other as guests.In the small town where they lived, the two were model couples, and they were often invited by the church to introduce the wonderful experience of running a marriage.In all these public places, people will always see scenes of them kissing each other, not at all artificial.

The neighbor sighed and said: "They are really a match made in heaven!"

But just how dire is the problem lurking among them? Eight years later, the wife killed her husband peacefully, divided his body into a dozen pieces, and threw them into a river ditch 8 kilometers away from home.A week after the husband "disappeared", the police came and arrested the wife.At this time, almost everyone was stunned, and people couldn't believe it was true.Until 30 months after the incident, there were still neighbors who felt incredible and refused the interview of many reporters because they could not accept the facts.

Therefore, the emotions that will not quarrel must be suppressed, and what you have to do is to release them-even if it is a big fight.Otherwise, for such people, behind the calm expression, their hearts are already full of hatred.

◎"I dare not speak in public!"

Cen Xiaowei, a 25-year-old female clerk of a company in Beijing
I am a typist for a company in Beijing. I don’t know whether it’s because of my occupation or my personality. I never dare to speak in public, or even look into the eyes of others.In front of other people, I dare not speak, write, or do any movement, and even my breathing became very short.

Every year at the company's year-end summary, I get sick once, because I don't have to talk to so many people, and I'm even thankful that my body understands me so well.But later some colleagues discovered the problem, and they joked: "Why do you get sick at the critical moment! Are you afraid of losing face?"

Another time, when it was my turn to queue up for the public toilet in a shopping mall, I saw so many impatient people standing behind them, stamping their feet anxiously and complaining that the people inside were moving too slowly. Reminiscent of my situation after entering, my face was red, my palms were sweaty, my heart beat faster, and finally I passed out in the toilet.

what should I do?Do I need to see a doctor?
When a person's self-evaluation is too low, he will have low self-esteem, shyness, hesitation, guilt, and anxiety.This is an inevitable phenomenon. These emotions go hand in hand with "self-contempt" and never act alone.Inferiority is an experience of our own emotions, an unobjective evaluation of ourselves due to physical or psychological defects.

Over the years, I have seen many people with low self-esteem. They are like frightened little sheep. They never dare to speak up, dare not refute others, fear authority, look down on themselves, and worry about losing the respect of others.They are particularly vulnerable and eager to be recognized and helped by others, but because they cannot express themselves correctly, they often cannot make true friends.

Faced with this inferiority complex, we need to overcome it and regain our self-confidence. Are there any practical methods?

adjust your perception
In the process of expressing themselves at the beginning, people with low self-esteem were hit because of setbacks, and they were too sensitive to receive incorrect evaluations from others. Under the severe influence of these external factors (probably in a short period of time) , thus reversing and changing their self-cognition in one fell swoop.

That is to say, at first he thought he was not like this, but other people thought so, and he began to slowly feel: "Oh, maybe I am like this, I can't do anything, I am a person with very poor ability .”

As long as this unreasonable belief can be eliminated, inferiority complex will slowly disappear.Believe that you have value, and that everything in the universe has its rationality. Even if you have shortcomings, you must have advantages, and this advantage may be unique.

Strengthen the sense of self-success

Experience is always the most precious-failure experience will accumulate inferiority complex, and successful experience will accumulate self-confidence.Only with a certain amount of successful psychological accumulation can one become bold and confident.Therefore, you should always do those things that are within your power, those things that are small but have great grasp, and can make you succeed easily.Accumulated piece by piece, you will find that you are not bad, and the joy of success will help you regain your confidence little by little.

Of course, we can't act too hastily.We must know that building self-confidence is a long process, and it cannot completely solve the problem in three or two days or only a short period of time.You need to be patient, slowly increase the difficulty, and accumulate successful experience until you can boldly challenge yourself and realize the transformation from quantitative change to qualitative change.

try something scary
What is the quickest way to help us gain self-confidence?Sometimes, when the conditions are right, going all out—doing what you fear the most until you succeed—helps us gain a huge "confidence potential."For example, if you are afraid of speaking in public, you should speak more in front of people, give speeches, debate, and express. One day you will find that these things are no longer difficult problems, but a very easy and casual thing.

get help from human interaction

For those who are not confident, they usually lack enough interpersonal communication, lack of communication with others, and even few opportunities to meet each other, so the social support they can get is very limited.In fact, interpersonal communication is a basic condition for judging mental health. If you want to build self-confidence, you must first start by making friends.

How to get enough interpersonal help?
1. Attend more gatherings of friends and never miss the opportunity to enhance friendship with each friend.Every time you reject a friend's invitation, it is equivalent to losing 6 times the friendship.Because you're rejecting not just one friend, but everyone at this party, and all the connections they represent.

2. Seize any opportunity to communicate and fully express your views.Communication means expressing opinions, and it also shows that you have the confidence to express them.A person who is afraid to communicate and communicate with others will not have too many friends.The more successful a person is, the more he is a master of communication, and he is also a master of expression, such as outstanding leaders such as Jack Ma and Buffett.

3. Join as many social teams and clubs as possible.It is necessary to find a communication platform for yourself, which can save a lot of communication costs, because the social club itself will continuously help you introduce more and wider network resources, so that you can interact with each other in a transparent and safe environment Exchange resources.The important thing is that such a platform allows you to clearly see your own position, and it is also more conducive to the accumulation of self-confidence.

positive self-suggestion

You must always encourage yourself, instead of retreating at the slightest problem. "I can", "I will do it", "I'm no worse than others", implant these positive hints into your brain as a belief, don't be proud when you succeed, and don't be discouraged when you fail.When this correct self-concept and way of thinking is established, our emotional health will be greatly improved.

Intensive training in six steps

People with low self-esteem usually have some obvious characteristics in personality, such as being very introverted, afraid of interacting with others, sensitive and vulnerable, and more suspicious.For this reason, I will recommend an intensive training to you, which is an important part of our emotional course. It can not only improve self-confidence, but also effectively strengthen self-awareness and enhance superiority.

1. Find four acquaintances you like and ask them to write down their impressions of you. After that, ask yourself objectively: Do I like their answers?Why would I leave that impression on others?What things and performance can reflect it?

2. If you were a drama actor and you were asked to play a role, which character would you most like to be?Why does this role appeal to you?

3. Write down the person you admire or recognize the most.Why does he make you worship?What qualities in yourself would you like to be like him?

4. At this time, you can summarize your favorite personality according to the second and third items, and you will become a person with this personality in the future.

5. Write down who you are now, including your image, behavior, way of doing things, personality, etc.Mark what you dislike the most, get rid of it, and strengthen and expand the traits of your self-identity.

6. If everything goes well, you can show your new self to your heart's content, don't be shy.

◎"I am full of hostility towards the whole world!"

Sincerely, a 24-year-old male employee of a state-owned enterprise in Guangzhou

If you asked me to pass a judgment on my relationships, my answer would be very poor.Moreover, I don't think there are absolutely good people in this world, everyone may hide an ugly side, especially those who do charity, they must do that for fame and fortune.

There are often some colleagues around me who express their kindness inexplicably. They care about your life, take care of your work, and sometimes they are very loyal to muddle through for you.Are they really that kind?I have seen a lot of intrigues in the workplace. They either want something from me, or they want to frame me.In short, I just want them to stay away from me, don't pretend.

I hate the "nice guys" the most - they never offend anyone, they just do what's right.But this way of life is a big mistake in my eyes.I hate gray. In my world, there is only black or white. I think either white or black is the truth of the world. That is, we are right. You don’t need to consider other people’s positions, because everyone is selfish.If I see someone less successful than me, I put him in the "enemy of mine" category.What's so great about him?I don't think there's anything worth associating with people who suck up to leaders all the time. I hate these people to the bone.

Just like this "Mr. Sincerity", why would someone be hostile to everything in the world?
First, it must have been caused by real problems in his world.He may have experienced many changes in human relationships, became extremely disappointed, did not receive timely warmth and help, and thus had no illusions about everything.

Secondly, after his initial ideals were frustrated in social practice, he failed to adjust in time, and gradually formed a stubborn mentality of confrontation, which aggravated the antagonism.

For example, it is often difficult for us to understand why some people are particularly obsessed with violent games?A news website in the United States gave a conclusion: these players are full of hostility and violence to the world, and players even hope that other game participants behave aggressively, so that they can strengthen their defenses and fight back better.

(End of this chapter)