Self-control 2: How to control your emotions and destiny?

Chapter 9 Put the impulsive devil in a cage (1)
An excellent person has his own way of dealing with emotions, rather than being at the mercy of environmental factors.If you are in danger, you must order yourself to calm down, calm down your mental activities slowly, and gain strong spiritual strength.

◎The Law of Impulse: Occurs at night and disappears after waking up

A month ago, Mr. Alex, who angrily fired his boss, packed his bed and returned home, suffering from insomnia. The regular sleep that he used to be the most proud of seemed to have left him.What's more serious is that he used to be a calm person who only got angry once in a long time, and now (since 30 days ago) he has become a person who likes to put his brain aside and only use his heart the one who makes the decision.

He said: "I don't know why, when I lie in bed at night, my head seems to be on full throttle, trying to associate various things. Sometimes it is good, some things that make me excited. For example Last night I was still thinking, I should go to the gym, and I have to get a fitness card early this morning. This idea makes me very excited, like the night when I received the interview notice for the first time after graduating from college, what should I say , I was so excited that I wanted to do it right away. This impulse lasted for a full month, and every night a new idea came up, but these beautiful ideas could only last for one night. When I woke up the next day, I was totally Lost interest. I looked at a messy room, a pile of bills that needed to be paid off, and fitness immediately became meaningless. Reality woke me up-I should have made enough bread first.”

How general is Mr. Alex's question!But why?

My institution has done a special research on "Night Impulsive Behavior". Judging from the report submitted by the subject researcher, we don't need to be too troubled, but we need to be alert to its sudden onset at critical moments.

People's consciousness is divided into two aspects: conscious and unconscious.At night, people don't have to assume social roles, and most of their behaviors are unconscious, completely dominated by personal will, just how to be happy.At this time, people's emotions will become romantic and emotional.Many people who do writing work especially like to work at night, because the night can give them more inspiration and more abundant emotions.

Emotional impulsiveness is the direct consequence of emotional abundance.That's why Alex had so many sleepless nights of excitement.The environment is relatively quiet at night, our body and mind are far away from reality, and all the problems during the day seem to be no problem.But once the sun rises and we open our eyes, we have to face reality, and all the worries and worries come back.

The night looks like a safe haven for rest, it is the transition from the conscious state to the unconscious state, you can be whimsical, you can boldly think and do things that you dare not think about or do during the day, precisely because In this way, many impulsive criminal activities mostly occur at night.

Impulsive behaviors are committed to a variety of targets, many of which are seriously destructive.As far as our research is concerned, these destructive behaviors are divided into two types: hurting people and destroying objects.Impulsive emotions always give priority to venting to external things to attack and destroy them.At the same time, in some specific situations and specific people, this kind of emotion may also be released inward to abuse oneself.

Erics said that he thought of the ugly face of his former supervisor many times during sleepless nights. He always let himself do those insignificant things, such as parking, going to the dry cleaning shop, going to the pet hospital to vaccinate the dog, receiving Cursing phone calls from difficult customers...but at the end of the month, talk to him about the results.Originally, these things had passed, but at night, anger, hatred, complaints, and grievances rushed into his heart, forcing him to forgive him without any reason.So he used that emotion to kick over the neighbor's fence and kick his beloved dog sleeping in the corner.When the day came, it all made him regret it, and it felt incredible.

Why do we become another stranger at night?

Unavoidable impulsive factors:
Characteristics of a typical impulsive person: young, male, single, unemployed, sick, chronically depressed, career frustrated.

Pathological Psychological Factors: Many serious emotional impulses are associated with mental disorders—sometimes without our awareness of the existence of the disorder.For example, schizophrenia caused by emotional problems such as hostility, agitation, hallucinations, delusions of persecution, mood disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, panic disorders, adaptive reactions, etc.

History of impulsive behavior: Especially if impulsive behavior has occurred recently, recurrence is likely because impulsiveness is always continuous and rarely fleeting.

Question 1: What do you think of an impulsive boss?

Question 2: Would you like to work under a boss who likes to be a "hero"?
We believe that good "success" should be a collective concept, not the success of a single individual, but the great achievement of the whole team.Such a team is a perfect team with lasting vitality, and its leader is worth following.The same is true outside of work. A successful man needs to make his family happy, and a successful woman must manage her marriage well and love her children and husband.So, success means you have to be comprehensive, broad-minded and full of great wisdom.

For an employee, if they want to be happy at work, the company must be worthy of his dedication and contribution.Without this group, he cannot find the same happy feeling in other places.This is a very high requirement for the boss. Now, many people have created their own companies, but they don't know why employees always change jobs frequently. The reason is that he is an impulsive manager with emotional decision-making and lack of skills The management ability to lead everyone to success.

It is conceivable that although this type of manager can take decisive action without losing the opportunity to seize some whimsy and burst out some inspiration, they are prone to act hastily.They often slapped their heads at night and made a decision to let their subordinates work overtime to do it together, but they regretted it the next morning and overturned everyone's work.

Not only do they do their own way, but they are also very easy to change, and they don't respect the contributions of others: "Oh, I changed my mind again, you can start all over again, right away!" This is a very failed work style.Not to mention the boss, even ordinary employees, this is also a behavior that should be absolutely avoided, and it is irresponsible to others.

For a person who wants to be successful, his most urgent action should be to be responsible for his own actions, instead of arbitrarily manipulating others to practice his own temporary ideas, but not paying for that idea.People are receiving external stimuli all the time, and the emotion caused by this is our most superficial reaction to external stimuli. You need to deal with this reaction rationally, and detect and deal with it as soon as possible before it influences your behavior.

There is one of the most effective ways-to fully consider the consequences of impulse: "If I make a mistake of eager for quick success and make an irresponsible decision, how will it harm people?" After understanding the pros and cons, you Only then can you make yourself restrained and rational-make the right choice after careful thinking, and let yourself gain spiritual freedom while doing things well.

For a manager with great ambitions, what can he do to stay away from impulsiveness?
1. Only after a goal is truly determined, people will not change at will.If he wants to win and doesn't want to change at will, he must determine a goal that can effectively help him win, and then don't change easily.

2. Full confidence should be built from the beginning, not found through trial and error and correction.

3. If he wants to give up, then the limit of giving up should be determined in advance, such as what his bottom line is.

An excellent manager should have his own way of dealing with emotions, instead of being at the mercy of environmental factors.But I have seen many leaders with poor emotional management ability. They like to yell, act recklessly, and think out as soon as they come up. want to act.

The truth is, impulses are both impotent and destructive.People usually do things that they regret unceasingly under the control of impulsive emotions.Therefore, we should take measures to control them.

Method [-]: Use silence to defuse impulse
We often cannot avoid the other party's provocation, ridicule, and sarcasm, and sometimes we cannot avoid it.In this case, if you rely on rage, arguments, and verbal abuse to resolve the dispute, the flames of dispute will burn more and more intensely.In fact, you don't have to get angry.The most important thing to do at this time is to calmly remind yourself to be rational and not to be irritated by the other party's emotions.Silence is the best weapon when a dispute occurs. If you express your position and hurt in concise language appropriately, the other party will feel embarrassed in the silent accusation.

Method [-]: Mind Control Impulse
If you are often impulsive, it may be that your self-control is not strong enough.You have to learn positive self-suggestion and motivation, and control yourself.For example, when you are about to participate in a very important event, silently recite words that can inspire you in your heart, and build a kind of strength for yourself in your heart.If you are in danger, order yourself to be calm and calm down your mental activities slowly, so as to gain strong spiritual strength.

Method Three: Effective Empathy Training

When people's emotional control power is weakened, the power of impulsive behavior will increase.If you take some action at this time, you usually regret it after the fact.When you feel that you have reached the edge of self-control, try to relax yourself: "I will enjoy the feeling of relaxation first, and then make a decision later." Let the subconscious mind issue orders to the body, temporarily forget the troubles in front of you, stretch your body, and do something Use relaxing movements such as massage and deep breathing to divert attention.

This kind of empathy training is simple and easy to learn, and we can strengthen it in our daily life.According to your own interests, you can choose some activities to exercise patience, such as playing the piano, painting, writing and so on.It can not only enhance your control, but also cultivate your own character and connotation.

Emotional Self-Management Course
Inspection and summary
★"I am prone to impulsiveness in the morning, because I always find that yesterday's work was not done well, so I have to temporarily change the plan, but the more I change, the more mistakes I make."

Check: Check the work of the day before going to bed every night, and bring forward the decisions that can only be made in a hurry the next morning to the night.

★"I often get angry, seven or eight times a day on average. I don't like big and small things. Sometimes I throw things. I don't know what's wrong with me!"

Summary: Every time you get angry, summarize the reasons immediately and write them down. After a week, you will know why you are always angry, and then solve the problem.

◎Why do we like to swear when we quarrel?

Venezuela's late President Chávez and Colombia's former President Uribe were victims of impulsiveness.At a Latin American summit held in Mexico, they pointed at each other's noses and scolded each other. In the process of accusing each other, insulting words appeared at one point, which made other people present sigh.

Later, the angry Chavez got up and walked away, but Uribe was still behind his back.He kept jumping, taunting that Chavez should "bear the consequences of a quarrel like a man."

What was the result of the quarrel? - is "doesn't work" and "makes things worse"

White, the development manager of Microsoft, told me that there were two subordinates in his team who had a quarrel due to official business. His way of handling it was, according to the company's regulations, no matter who was right or wrong, anyone who attacked or insulted the other party with vulgar language, to accept financial penalties.When the two subordinates quarreled, one of them used very serious insulting words, and the other did not show any weakness. As a result, both of them were fined, and later even the chance to compete for promotion was cancelled.

Lady Dany's situation - swearing is unacceptable
She said: "I would curse a few times when I was in a very bad mood, but this was rare, and it was limited to behind-the-scenes. I would not do this in public or in front of others. I was raised by Catholic parents. Education to be a lady, swearing is against my beliefs. But once I had a quarrel with my brother, he made a swearing, and I was shocked. In our growing environment, almost no one or very few people swear , and his bad words hurt me deeply, and our conversation ended in that sad vulgar language.

"The content of the quarrel between the two parties can be discussed, but if one party suddenly makes swear words the content of the quarrel, I will completely lose the mood to solve the problem."

Ms. Wang from Shenzhen agrees with this statement. She wrote an email to the emotional consultant Amory, telling her that she also has the pain.Therefore, her marriage was on the red light.Just a few weeks ago, she and her husband drove to their hometown to visit their parents.At that time, the car was driving on the highway, and Ms. Wang's husband answered a call, which was from the court.

The judge said on the phone: "Your wife has sued the court for divorce. Have you received a copy of the petition?"

The befuddled husband was stunned for a moment. He looked at his wife sitting in the passenger seat and didn't understand why she wanted a divorce. They never talked about it.

So why did Ms. Wang want a divorce?
She herself said: "I never thought that the gentle and gentle man before marriage could 'export dirty'. This situation started from the second year after marriage. He and his family didn't seem to care about swearing at all." Even trivial things can be solved by swearing. For example, if a passer-by touches him accidentally, he will swear for a long time, which makes me feel ashamed. Although I remind him countless times not to swear, he doesn’t listen at all. If he didn't go in, his parents even picked on me, saying that I put on airs of a 'civilized person'. In the end, things between us also began to be drowned in his dirty words, and I really couldn't stand it."

Why?Because swearing is an expression of aggressive emotions, sometimes more aggressive than body movements, it can be unbearable.According to our research, people who like to swear generally have the following three characteristics:

high work pressure;

lack of communication channels;
The temper is easily impulsive.

In this characteristic, as long as a person has one of them, his mood has become very negative.If the three points are met at the same time, he must belong to the group with the highest swearing coefficient.If he doesn't agree with each other in a few words, he may "speak dirty", quarrel with the other party and scold each other.

Nasty brawlers - the only difference is the way they fight

This has nothing to do with the identity of the speaker, and we need to emphasize this very much.Although swearing is annoying, swearing is not necessarily the preserve of the less educated.Some people have high cultural quality. They graduated from prestigious universities and have a good social status, but they like to swear and greet each other's relatives at every turn.

Can swearing solve the problem?Obviously not, otherwise managers all over the world would not hold meetings, just sit in the office and yell at the outside.

"Dirty export" - enjoy the thrill of attack

Since swearing is of no help to ease the situation, and people are well aware of this, why do they still like to "export dirty words"?There must be a certain mechanism that determines that he must adopt this method to better achieve his emotional goals.In this regard, Zhu Xiaomei said: "When I am quiet, I am a lady. When I am impulsive, I feel that only cursing can make me feel comfortable. After cursing, I can experience the feeling of victory because I have 'attacked' The other party, the other party was 'injured' by me, so my mood was satisfied, and I was able to calm down again."

Afterwards, Zhu Xiaomei will feel regretful, but when cursing the other party, she feels the opposite.Because she always suspects that others harbor ill intentions towards her, and thinks that everyone around her is targeting her, when she curses, what she experiences is not guilt, anxiety or shame, but something like "I finally got my revenge" pleasure.

In April 2013, we conducted a survey of 4 students at Washington State University and 200 white-collar workers in the entire District of Washington, showing that 1000% of them have the habit of swearing when they are impulsive.Although some people quickly shut up after just one or two sentences, and some people immediately control the tendency to continue verbal attacks in the middle of speaking, but they will do so again next time, without any restraint due to the possible consequences.what is the reason?It is the psychological experience gained in the process of swearing, which drives people to repeat this behavior like marijuana.

Control - wait and speak
There was a time when I was very disappointed in the work of the company, and my mood was like the name of the movie "Deep Cold": I was unhappy, hated work, and didn't like seeing guys who made mistakes all the time.The mood was only slightly oppressive at first, but slowly it grew bigger and sharper.Until one day, I suddenly swear at a staff member and make him jump from the 27th floor of this building.

"Why don't you die?" I said, "Open the window and jump out and give us an account of what you've made of the project, like a pile of shit!"

The employee was stunned, because I have always been a gentle boss, and I have never lost my temper in the company, let alone cursed.He stayed where he was, not knowing what to do for a full 2 ​​minutes.At this time, my partner, Smith, heard the news and stood outside the office for a while. About 2 and a half minutes after I finished scolding, he pushed open the door, waved his hand to signal the unlucky employee to go out first, and laughed. said to me:
"Want to blow some hair? Follow me."

(End of this chapter)