Pillow Book of Talmud Wisdom

Chapter 17 Leave a Bowl of Food for Others—Jews on Offensive and Defensive Measures (2)
Some people have no intention of hurting other people's face, but just improper expression when they speak, which has the effect of actual harm.

For example, some leaders advocate the criticism method of "finding gaps on the basis of summarizing achievements", the purpose is to take care of subordinates' face, but the effect is not necessarily good.

For example, the boss said to an employee with poor performance: "I am very satisfied with your work performance, but if you can pay attention to your working methods, your performance will definitely improve."

The employee will feel encouraged at first, until he hears the word "but".Because of this, he is likely to have doubts about the initial praise. For him, this praise may only be an introduction to later criticism, and his credibility has been questioned.

If the boss says: "I am very satisfied with your work performance, and your progress is obvious, which means that you have potential in this area. If you make some improvements in your working methods, I believe your progress will be faster."

In this way, employees will not feel the cues of criticism, but at the same time they can be encouraged to try their best to do as well as the boss expects.

Examine yourself before blaming the other

American President Lincoln had a hobby when he was young: he liked to comment on right and wrong, and often wrote letters and poems to satirize others. He often left the written letters on country roads to make it easy for the parties to find out.Then something happened that completely changed his habit of accusing others.

In the fall of 1842, Lincoln wrote another article satirizing a politician.After the article appeared in the newspaper, the politician was so enraged that he called for a duel with Lincoln.Lincoln didn't like duels, but due to the situation and in order to protect his reputation, he had to accept the challenge.On the agreed date, the two met by the river, and a life-and-death duel was about to begin.Fortunately, someone stopped at the last moment, and the tragedy did not happen.

This was the most profound lesson in Lincoln's life, allowing him to understand the consequences of willful criticism of others.Since then, he has learned not to blame others easily for anything when getting along with others.

Let's examine ourselves, do we also have this problem of liking to blame others?If a job task that has been assigned is not done well, we may not actively seek the reasons and research countermeasures with our subordinates, but blame the subordinates: "What did you do? Why are you so stupid?" At this time, have you ever thought about it? How will subordinates react?He may not say anything, but in his heart he only feels that you are unreasonable and resents you.In this way, you are likely to feel awkward when you get along with him in the future...

We like to blame others, often to show our own superiority.Sometimes, there is also the purpose of shirking responsibility.The ancients said "but blame yourself, not others", which means that we should be humble and strict with ourselves, which is only good for ourselves. In "The Romance of the Three Kingdoms", Ma Di underestimated the enemy and lost the street pavilion, which caused the Shu army to be defeated. Zhuge Liang had no choice but to perform an empty city strategy before he retreated the enemy army.Back in the army, Zhuge Liang beheaded Ma Su with tears in order to uphold military discipline.Regarding this failure, Zhuge Liang did not deal with Ma Di and let it go, but deeply blamed himself for not listening to what Liu Bei said before his death: "Ma Di's exaggerated words should not be used." post.He also asked his subordinates to "attack my deficiencies diligently and blame my shortcomings".Zhuge Liang's behavior is worth learning from.

When you want to blame others for this or that, please close your mouth immediately and say to yourself: "Look, the bad habit is coming again!" In this way, you can gradually get rid of the bad habit of blaming others , Learn to be tolerant and respectful, get along better with others, and work with others.

Don't say "you're wrong"

We live in this world not only to reap certain results, but also to reap a good mood.

Whether others accuse us of our mistakes, or we blame others for their mistakes, is not good for a good mood.

That being the case, we don't need to be obsessed with right or wrong, it's better to be tactful and do it in the way that is most beneficial to things and mood.

4000 years ago, King Aktu of ancient Egypt said to his son during a banquet: "Be tactful. It will give you what you ask for."

In other words, don't be overly sensitive to other people's mistakes, don't cling to so-called correct opinions, and don't irritate anyone easily.

If you want to get people to agree with you, one sentence you should keep in mind is: "Respect the opinions of others, and never say you are wrong."

In interpersonal communication, there is nothing more destructive than these three words: You are wrong.It usually produces no good but an unhappiness, a quarrel, and can even turn friends into rivals and lovers into bitter spouses.When getting along with others, we must remember that what we associate with is not a superman with extraordinary measures, let alone a saint who has cultivated well.We associate with ordinary people with rich feelings, even weirdos full of prejudice, arrogance and vanity.Supermen and sages can treat others' criticism with humility, but ordinary people can't, let alone weird people.Therefore, when we want to say "you are wrong", we should understand that the other party will not accept it with humility in all likelihood.Just like we ourselves will not accept the evaluation of "you are wrong" from others with humility.

There is always a reason for a person to say or do wrong things, so even if we know that we are wrong, we will emphasize the objective reasons and think that the mistakes are justified.

When we make a mistake, it's not that we don't realize that we made a mistake, it's just that we stubbornly refuse to admit it.So, when you say "you are wrong" to a person, you are bound to hit his stubborn wall.

For example, a gentleman asked an interior designer to arrange some curtains for his residence.When the bill came, he was taken aback, realizing that he had suffered a great loss on the price.

A friend came to see him a few days later, asked about the curtains, and said, "What? That's too much. I think he took advantage of you."

The gentleman refused to admit that he had made a wrong transaction. He justified: "You get what you pay for, and you have expensive value. You can't buy high-quality and artistic products at a cheap price." thing……"

As a result, they argued about the matter all afternoon, and finally broke up unhappy.

No matter what way we say "you are wrong", whether it is a sentence, a look, a tone of voice, or a gesture, as long as we let him hear or see the meaning of "you are wrong", he will never I have a good face for you!For you have struck directly at his intelligence, judgment, honor, and self-respect.It will only make him want to fight back, but it will never make him change his mind.Even if you bring out the theories of Confucius or Plato, it will not change his prejudice, because you will hurt his feelings.

The great psychologist Schiller said: "We are extremely eager to be praised by others, and similarly, we are extremely afraid of others' accusations."

Not many people can face up to other people's criticism, big people can't, even small people can't.

It's human nature on display, people who do wrong blame others, not themselves - we all do.This is not a question of measurement, but a question of human nature.Only a very few people can overcome the weakness of human nature and make the measurement large enough to accept criticism.

So when we want to say, "You're wrong," we have to understand that, even though we've tried our best, he's still thinking, "I don't see how I could do it differently than what I've done before. "Whether he defends or not, he will not really take our criticism.That being the case, we might as well admit that "I was wrong", which may be more beneficial to clear the relationship and solve the problem.

There was a car agent who, when dealing with customer complaints, never admitted that the problems of product quality and service were his own problems. He always wanted to prove that the root cause of the problem was that the customer made mistakes in some aspects.As a result, he was caught in quarrels and lawsuits every day, his mood became worse day by day, and his business declined sharply.

Later, he changed his approach.When a customer complained, he first said: "We did make a lot of mistakes, I'm really sorry. Regarding your car, if we have done something unreasonable, please tell me."

This method quickly disarms the customer, from emotional confrontation to rational negotiation, so the matter is easily resolved.As a result, the agent can handle everything with ease, and the business is getting better and better.

When we say that the other person is wrong, his reaction often gives us headaches, but when we admit that we may be wrong, we never have such troubles.By doing this, not only will all disputes be avoided, but it will give the other party as much generosity as you to admit that he, too, may be wrong.

If things get to the point where you have to say "you are wrong", you should follow a principle that is good for the matter without hurting the other party's self-esteem.For example, "Caigen Tan" says: "The evil of attacking people should not be too strict, but should be considered acceptable; the kindness of teaching people should not be too high, and should be followed."

The first element that should be satisfied is: let the other party understand your kindness.When you point out the mistakes of the other party, is it to belittle him or to elevate yourself, or is it for his own good?He may not understand.So, you have to try to make him feel your kindness.In addition, the attitude must be modest and sincere when speaking, and the language should not be violent, otherwise the other party will think you are teaching him a lesson; do not be too tactful, otherwise he will think you are hypocritical.

The second element is: choose the appropriate occasion and timing.In principle, it is necessary to point out the shortcomings of the other party when his mood is relatively stable.When people are in an abnormal mood, they may not be able to listen to anything.In addition, it is best to avoid the third party and do it one-on-one, so as not to make him feel embarrassed in public.

The third element is: don't compare.When pointing out the other party's mistakes, discuss the matter on a case-by-case basis, and don't compare him with others. This will only make the other party feel strongly disgusted.

In addition, we might as well try to understand the person who made the mistake and try to understand why he made the mistake.This is far more beneficial and meaningful than criticism; and it breeds compassion, tolerance, and kindness.

The philosopher said this: "to fully understand is to fully forgive."

(End of this chapter)