american tragedy

Chapter 158 (1)
Chapter 333 (1)
Even two days later, the Reverend MacMillan could see his dejected look clearly.He was very worried and wanted to know why.Recently, Clyde's attitude has made him feel that, leaving aside the teachings he preached, the response to his visit this time is not as enthusiastic as he expected, but; Gradually accept his spiritual arguments.His remarks to Clyde that it was foolish to be depressed and hopeless seemed to have worked well. "What's the matter! Isn't the peace of God just in front of you, just look for it. He who seeks God and finds him can no longer have any sorrow, but only joy; if he seeks, he will find it." God Give us his soul, and from now on we shall know that we live in him, and he lives in us.'” He preached doctrines or quoted words from the Bible.

Later, two weeks after receiving Sandra's letter, Clyde was finally moved when he was very depressed because of this letter, and asked Macmillan to talk to the warden if he could let him Live in another cell or another room.He thought it was full of his troubles.He told Reverend Macmillan that he did not seem to understand his real responsibility for what had happened to him so recently.Therefore, the peace of mind that Macmillan has been talking about, he seems to be unable to find anyway.Maybe... there was something wrong with his point of view.He is really willing to talk about the matter of being convicted of him from the beginning to the end, to see if there is any mistake in his own understanding.Now, he is not as sure as before.Macmillan was very touched, what a great spiritual victory! So he saw it, a true reward of faith and prayer, and he went at once to the Warden, who was more than happy to oblige him.Macmillan was then given permission to use a cell in the Old Death Row for as long as he wanted.Moreover, when he was with Clyde, there was no policeman beside him, only one policeman stood guard in the hall outside.

There, Clyde opened up about his relationship with Roberta and Sandra.Since everything had already been told during the interrogation, he only told some of the most important evidence-except for his own defense, which is the so-called change of heart.After this he referred in particular to the fatal incident in which he had been on the boat with Roberta.Since he had this plot in the first place—and therefore was deliberate in it—was he considered guilty, according to the Reverend Macmillan? Especially since he was so infatuated with Sandra, and had such dreams about her, did it matter? Does it constitute a homicide? He said that is the case, because this is what he actually experienced at the beginning, not what he said when he testified during the interrogation.As for the claim that he had changed his mind, that was nothing but a lie.It was his lawyers who thought such a plea was the best, since they believed he was innocent and thought such a plan would be a quick way to regain his liberty.However, this is really a lie.Besides, he hadn't told the truth about his state of mind on the boat, before and after he stood up and walked toward her--and the blow, and what happened after that.

According to his current explanation, one blow is enough to affect his efforts on religious ideas, and he is determined to honestly go to see the Creator, if he wants to. (It was not explained at the time. In fact, he still couldn't figure it out, even if he couldn't figure it out himself.) In fact, even now, there are still many things that are elusive or even incomprehensible to him.He had said before that there was no resentment in it, that he had changed his mind.However, there was no change of heart.In fact, just before she stood up and walked towards him, he was feeling uneasy and complicated because of...but he couldn't say what it was.He thought at first—and thought so afterwards—that it was partly pity for Roberta, or else, at least out of shame, that he should not have been so cruel to her, and had planned to beat her.On the other hand, there was an element of resentment—perhaps he was not so sure of it (he had thought about it a long time, but even now, he was not so sure)—and perhaps an element of fear. Inwardly, dreading the consequences of such a wicked thing, though, as far as he could see now, at that moment no thought of consequence was in his mind—or anything, except that he did not With this ability, he did it according to his original idea, and he was very annoyed by it.

However, that blow—the unintentional blow when she stood up and wanted to walk towards him contained some elements of anger, annoyed that she should walk towards him.Maybe it's because of such destructive power.In short, because of this, he had to think about it afterwards.But there was another fact of the matter: when he got up, it was with the intention of saving him, though he hated her very much, and he was very sorry for it all.At least in the midst of the chaos, he was especially sad, but when the boat capsized and they both fell into the water--in the midst of the chaos, and as she sank, a thought did strike "Let her go." Because, in this way, he can get rid of her.Yes, he thought so.

But there was also the fact, as Messrs. Belknap and Chapelson had pointed out, that he had been swayed all the way by Miss -----'s infatuation.It was a great dominant force in all these things, but, the Reverend Macmillan now considered all the circumstances before and after—such as the fact that there was an element of anger in the blow, Yes, there is anger and dissatisfaction, it is true.Also, after this, he did not feel angry or dissatisfied. Now, he has actually and truthfully stated whether he thinks this constitutes murder—a deadly bloody crime.And for this crime, he should perhaps have deserved what he deserved, spiritually and legally? Did he? He wished to know, for the peace of his own soul, and then, perhaps, he could pray.

The Reverend Macmillan heard all this, as he had never in his life heard it himself, nor was it told so intricate, unintelligible, and outlandish, and because Clyde had such respect for him that it He was very moved.He was sitting before him now, motionless, thinking very intently, sadly, even uneasily, that this request for his opinion was really very serious, very important.He knew that Clyde hoped to find peace of body and mind with his opinion.But even so, the Reverend Macmillan himself was too perplexed to answer him at once.

"Until you got on the boat with her, you didn't change your mind about her. You wanted...wanted..."

The Reverend Macmillan's face was gray and contorted.His eyes were sad.He felt now that what he was hearing was a tragic and terrible story, a wicked and cruel tale of self-torture and self-destruction, that this young boy--why! His burning and troubled heart, apparently because There were many, many things he could not have a part in, so he rebelled against them, and these things, he, the Reverend Macmillan, would never think about it, and because of his resistance, he was killed and sentenced to death, really, he His heart was touched, but his mind was extremely distressed.

"No, I haven't changed."

"According to you, since you are so weak that you can't do what I planned then, you object to risking yourself, don't you?"

"Something like that, yes. But you know it made me feel bad for myself if you did what you planned, and now I can't tell. Maybe it's neither."

Reverend Macmillan shook his head.So weird! So intractable, so evil, and yet...

"According to you, at the same time, you should be very angry with her for driving you to this point, shouldn't you?"

"Yes."

"Tut! Tsk! Tsk! Then you will hit her on purpose."

"Yes, I thought about it."

"But you can't do it."

"I can't do it."

"Praise be to the goodness of God, but in that blow of yours, the unintentional blow, you said, there was an element of anger. That's why it was so... so hard. You don't want her to come near you. "

"No, I don't, anyway I think I don't. I can't tell. Maybe I wasn't quite sane at the time. Anyway, I think so. I got excited and almost passed out. I... I ..." Clyde was wearing a prison uniform and short hair, sitting there, sincerely trying to remember what the original scene was like, what it really looked like, whether he committed a crime or not.And that Reverend McMillan, he himself is very distressed, is he guilty or not? There are also those who care about him, he himself is very nervous, he just said to himself: "Let us lead to the death , the gate is wide and the road is wide." But then he continued: "But you did stand up to save her."

"Yes, then, when I got up, I was trying to catch her before she fell backwards, and that capsized the boat."

"And you really want to pull her?"

"I don't know. I think, at that moment, I think so, I think I feel bad and sad anyway."

"However, can you act like the Creator is looking at you now, to be precise: did you feel uncomfortable at the beginning, or did you want to save her at that time?"

"You know, it happened very quickly," said Clyde, uneasily, almost desperately, "so I can't tell. No, I don't know if I'm really upset. No. You know, now , I don't really understand. Sometimes I think I might be sad, a little sad. Sometimes I think I'm not sad. But, you know, I'm happy to be free, but I'm afraid, you Know……"

"Yes, I know. You are going to Miss So-and-so. But, she fell into the water, and you still go...?"

"Do not."

"You don't want to save her."

"Do not."

"Tut! Tut! Tut! At that time, you don't feel sad? Don't you feel ashamed?"

"Yes, ashamed too. Sad maybe, a little bit. I know, it's terrible, of course, I know, it's terrible, but . . . you know . . .

"Yes, I know, that Miss So-and-so, you want to slip away."

"Yes, but mostly because I panicked, and I didn't want to save him."

"Yes! Yes! Tut! Tut! Tut! Tut! If she's drowned, you can go to Miss So-and-so. Is that what you think?" The Reverend Macmillan's lips were compressed mournfully.

"Yes."

"My child! My child, then, you have murder in your heart."

"Yes, yes." Clyde said deeply, "I've been thinking, it must be like this."

Reverend McMillan paused, and, in order to motivate himself to do this task well, he prayed, but silently and alone: ​​"Ours in heaven, may your name be honored." Holy. Your coming. Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." After a while, he looked up again.

(End of this chapter)